How Do I Let My Boyfriend Know...

[HunnyBee18]

You've been seeing this person for 8 years and you think the world of him, why is this still a huge "I can't possibly?"

Yes. Try to understand, I was raised in an extremely repressed household. Sex, money, politics, none of these were talked about - especially sex. My father had been sexually abused as a child, so he was afraid to touch us after about the age of 8, or talk to us about sex for fear of that cycle repeating itself - and my mother was and is frigid.

I was married at 16 to a man who I was absolutely not sexually compatible with, so I never had an orgasm til I was 31, and left my husband for this boyfriend I'm with now.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame any of them for the way things turned out, I know that my shyness is part of what my boyfriend loves about me. He loves that he can still make me blush, even after all this time. And I love that he can still curl my toes from across town.

It's not that I'm afraid of what he'd say... I'm reasonably sure he has the same desires I have. It's just that .... well, I am who I am, and shyness is a huge part of it.

 

[VelvetSin]

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame any of them for the way things turned out, I know that my shyness is part of what my boyfriend loves about me. He loves that he can still make me blush, even after all this time. And I love that he can still curl my toes from across town.

It's not that I'm afraid of what he'd say... I'm reasonably sure he has the same desires I have. It's just that .... well, I am who I am, and shyness is a huge part of it.

I understand all of this. I think it's common to have a barrier of embarrassment to overcome, and I think it's common for the potential PYL to leave it to the potential pyl to request things go further. It's the first limit to overcome, so if it is something you really want, it is your responsibility to overcome it and ask for more.

He's not willing to take that step without my input (very considerate... now if only I wanted him to BE considerate about this!). I doubt I'll make it through the parking lot without blushing, even before I get into the store. And I have no idea whether I'll manage to get my point across inside. I sure as heck won't have the guts to tell him I want him to tie me up, be forceful, take my 'final virginity'...."

Part of B's amusement and interest is seeing what I'll do even when I'm blushing to the point a glow visible from a distance. If he wants to see what you really want and what you'll pick out, swallow the pride and embarrassment, and blushing and all, go with him and pick out what you want him to buy and use. If you don't think you can trust your voice, point to it. I completely understand where you're coming from, I'm the same way. Because of that, most of the toys and accessories we have, he's picked out and had me go buy. He controls their use once we have them, but part of the game is his making me take the step to fetch. While it definitely inspires regular blushing sessions, it's so hot to know what's coming at some point in the future, and also gives him a sense of how eager I might be about something if I throw on clothes, grab car keys, and run straight to the store at 8:30 at night or 9 in the morning on a Saturday, or take time to think about it and pick it up on a drive home instead.

 

[vixjohn]

Hi.

I told my boyfriend I had read a book about BDSM, which I had, well it was more a series of 4 books, and then I told him about the scenes in the book, I went into detail and kind of just asked "could you imagine doing that?" he did say no at first, but then after a while, and after me saying "Go on, it's just for fun" he was more into it.

He was a little freaked out at first, and really didnt think he could do it, I just kind of eased him into it, and my GOD has he gotten into it

we've gone from him saying no, to him thinking about wanting to spanking me, to me getting daily spankings....

Just ease the way carefully, if you want to be tied up, just say "Oh, I saw/read/was told...about someone being tied up...it looks like fun....WANNA TRY?" if you make it sounds like lots of fun, which it is, then he might be more receptive to the idea, someone suggested a couple of drinks too, that always helps to lower inhibitions, you could get drunk with him, then chuck a tie at him and say...."Go on, tie me up, you know you want too" and then laugh, giving him the out if he needs it.

It was never the bondage that my partner had worries about, it was more the pain aspect, he didnt want to hurt me, but now he knows that I want him too, it's all good.

I hope this helps and that I havent just waffled and spouted a load of rubbish

 

[Feelfreetotouch]

Email him a story and ask for his reaction.

 

[PrimoTat]

I've always thought men would be more receptive to hearing of their girlfriend's interest in BDSM much more than women would from their guy.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I've always thought men would be more receptive to hearing of their girlfriend's interest in BDSM much more than women would from their guy.

As a generality, you might be right; however, in this as in all topics sexual, the receptivity depends entirely on the individual. The OP didn't give much information to indicate her boyfriend's openness regarding sex, his prior/childhood "training" (e.g., Fundie, etc.), or anything to make us think that he was an "experimental" type or somewhat repressed, so most of us suggested ways to kind of "slip" the idea into discussion.

She also didn't reveal whether her interest was as PYL or pyl, or whether they had any kind of unstated power dynamic going in the relationship, which might have allowed us to be a bit more specific.

 

[HunnyBee18]

I've always thought men would be more receptive to hearing of their girlfriend's interest in BDSM much more than women would from their guy.

I think it really depends on how the guy sees BDSM.. For example my boyfriend of 8 years has treated me like an angel from the moment we met. If someone he sees BDSM as a degredation, he would not be able to get into it. If I can make him see it as another way to fulfill my needs, then he may be able to look at it as a caring aspect of our relationship, and enjoy it with me.

 

[SDM3]

Okay,
So I really have no idea how to let my current boyfriend know that i'm into BDSM without like...
Scaring him off.
I just don't really know how he would react to it.
Any tips?

This is actually something that has weighed on my mind a bit lately. Last boyfriend went, "Huh?" and then cringed when I tried to explain it. Maybe I fail at that part? And it's not just the how but the when.

Anybody have an opinion on when?

 

[PrimoTat]

I think it really depends on how the guy sees BDSM.. For example my boyfriend of 8 years has treated me like an angel from the moment we met.

Last boyfriend went, "Huh?" and then cringed when I tried to explain it. Maybe I fail at that part?

Ah yes, sounds more like examples of the Madonna complex. That is men wishing for their SO to be pristine and virtuous. Meanwhile, there is a seedier streak hidden inside that can still get out.

Good luck to you both in finding the balance and pulling your boys out from the shadows to discover their own sensuality and sexuality.

 

[SDM3]

Ah yes, sounds more like examples of the Madonna complex. That is men wishing for their SO to be pristine and virtuous. Meanwhile, there is a seedier streak hidden inside that can still get out.

So, maybe it sounds kind of vain, but is it an appearance thing then? I mean, Madonna has (or had?) that very foward look and attitude. Anything she did in bed wouldn't seem like much of a surprise. Whereas, I, for example, look very young and naive and straight-laced, etc. When people first meet me and hear me open my mouth, sometimes it causes a bit of shock and offence (depending on audience). So, is it a shattering of image/fantasy/ideal? Does BDSM have an image? I may or may not have gotten off track of what you were saying or flat-out misunderstood. I just woke up.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Ah yes, sounds more like examples of the Madonna complex. That is men wishing for their SO to be pristine and virtuous. Meanwhile, there is a seedier streak hidden inside that can still get out.

Good luck to you both in finding the balance and pulling your boys out from the shadows to discover their own sensuality and sexuality.

I quite like the Madonna/whore juxtaposition, myself.

So, maybe it sounds kind of vain, but is it an appearance thing then? I mean, Madonna has (or had?) that very foward look and attitude. Anything she did in bed wouldn't seem like much of a surprise. Whereas, I, for example, look very young and naive and straight-laced, etc. When people first meet me and hear me open my mouth, sometimes it causes a bit of shock and offence (depending on audience). So, is it a shattering of image/fantasy/ideal? Does BDSM have an image? I may or may not have gotten off track of what you were saying or flat-out misunderstood. I just woke up.

Not Madonna, the singer.

More, wanting the pristine, perfect partner, the non-sexual object.. and then saving the sexual urges for the 'dirty' 'nasty' women.

If you can find someone who can be both sides, then that's hot.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

So, maybe it sounds kind of vain, but is it an appearance thing then? I mean, Madonna has (or had?)... <snippage> etc.

Definition of Madonna:

* Mary: the mother of Jesus; Christians refer to her as the Virgin Mary; she is especially honored by Roman Catholics
​

​

Therefore, "Madonna," as used in the post to which you referred, refers to an image of purity, divinity, etc.

 

[SDM3]

Yeah. That was a secondary thought later on when I mentally woke up a bit. And then I felt really daft. Like a lot.

That aside, anybody have an idea as to when? I'm keeping an eye for answers to what the OP originally asked because I need help with that for future relationships. But I also wonder when. I'd hate to get too emotionally attached to someone who is sexually incompatible with me. Not that a relationship is based on sex. Hmm...anybody get what I'm sayin'? Should I be starting a new thread for this?

Also, is there a conversation somewhere of like what BDSM looks like? Stereotypes and misconceptions. Curiosity struck after of my wrong direction bit above.

Ooooooh...babbles...

 

[Adrraiya]

How to bring him into a place where he is aware of you would like to try.....

There are a so many ways... find a way COMMUNICATE

It really doesn't matter if this is the love of your life or your fuck-buddy... if the sex is to be what you want it to be then you gotta find a way to get it across... Lovers aren't mind-readers... some might be very compatible & willing/able to pick up cues.... but most need some level of communication

example of watching a movie with key scenes you would like to try out is an excellent way.... not only can you squeeze his hand into your thigh, you can also say "ever thought about trying that with me?"

example of finding some lit stories that you like & use that as a tool to open conversation

and tell them..... you can be a little coy by engaging in conversations about fantasy... for example start by saying "I have been wondering lately... about your sexual fantasies.... maybe I can help you fulfill a fantasy....".... allow them to answer... most likely they will then ask you about yours but if they don't, then you can always say "something I fantasize about & would like to try-out is _______" (for purposes of discussion you can say..... would like to have you spank me)

or write them... I can not imagine any lover that wouldn't appreciate their own personal story.... sexy story written by you about them with information about something you would like to do... If you personalize something like this.... and also put in content that is specific to what you would like to try..... then they have a much better road map


----- Many years ago, I had the wildest fantasy-play sex life.... it was ALL about communication.....

Some bad things happened & I ended up settling into a decade of a safe life with a man who was very boring sexually.... and, even when I attempted to entice him into some hot-n-steamy "playtime" he just wasn't into it

Now, I have spent the last few months in a new relationship... with a younger man who has some very creative ideas...

I find myself feeling awkward about sexual communication... having to work thru this to re-gain the art of sexual communication to re-explore the stuff I enjoyed in my early 20s & had since abandoned....

I have NEVER wanted to be able to even guess what would happen when in sex-play... I always needed things have variation such that guessing what would happen next was nearly impossible

Sexual desires can be difficult to communicate without the end result being something that is easily guessed as the game unfolds even with the best-intended lover

so, I have decided that the best path for me is ongoing open communication... using every tool I can find.... the more info I can give him than the more we have to work with & with this greater variety

I see a picture that just exudes an experience... where I wanna be or what I wanna feel like... and I say "Wow, I wanna feel like that picture"

I have an idea... even just a sliver of a thought... and I jot it down... working it into conversation at some point in time

I have written vignettes & given them to him... little small clips of what could be larger stories.... to get more information across of what or how... we talk about them & that has always led to other bits of information about something one of us finds of interest

He is so comfortable with open conversation that he doesn't really need all these tools... they aid me in getting my end of the conversation.... my desires out there where he can work with them

It is now "Open-Play" between the 2 of us... bringing to life what the other wants to experience....

Sometimes we simply test-out things... with the intention being learning each other or even sensual play... but not necessarily the end goal being sex.... that gives us opportunities to see what works & what doesn't without "blowing the experience" by test-in-sex & find out it was a kill-deal

A recent example.... was just playing around what what different things felt like on skin..... silk, velvet, tweed, body oil, cornstarch, wax, strands of beads... blindfolded & not blindfolded... just sensual play.... learning & exploring each other..... things that we can incorporate in a not-so-expected way into playtime


Hope these ideas are helpful....
what it really boils down to.. is find a way... ANYWAY... to COMMUNICATE

 

[Adrraiya]

Yeah. That was a secondary thought later on when I mentally woke up a bit. And then I felt really daft. Like a lot.

That aside, anybody have an idea as to when? I'm keeping an eye for answers to what the OP originally asked because I need help with that for future relationships. But I also wonder when. I'd hate to get too emotionally attached to someone who is sexually incompatible with me. Not that a relationship is based on sex. Hmm...anybody get what I'm sayin'? Should I be starting a new thread for this?

Also, is there a conversation somewhere of like what BDSM looks like? Stereotypes and misconceptions. Curiosity struck after of my wrong direction bit above.

Ooooooh...babbles...

Yep... I get what you are saying

For me... the question of When to Have a Conversation about what is important to you (if sex is important to you, then sex should be included) is actually before sex has occurred

My sexuality is not a numbers game of how many it is a Quality Concern... and painfully learned in a decade of safe-relationship with low-quality sex... because I kept telling myself the relationship needed to be based on everything but sex

and, because of that experience, I am very open about it.... You can learn much about how a man views sex by simply opening conversation with "Great Sex is truely an Art Form, don't you think?"... watch their response... listen to their response... you are on a information gathering mission... keep the conversation light & the questions going

as a result of that type of conversation... I have ruled in only 1 man... ruled out plenty (they can't help it, they just don't see sex as an art form, more the lovey-dovey missionary position with occasional variety kinda guys.... and, now that I think of it, one VERY subby guy and I need a Hint of Dominance)..... have 3 very good guy-friends as a result & 1 incredible lover


What does _________ look like in stereotypical form? I dunno... I promise no one woulda guessed... when I was 20 & looked like a straight-laced all-business pants-wearing 20ish-woman-in-a-30ish-man's-career.... I am laying a bet no one would have ever guessed that I had sex with my husband in the glass elevator at the mall!!!! Makes ya wonder, doesn't it... what a sex-crazed slightly-subbie 20ish woman looked like back then...

 

[HunnyBee18]

:
Originally Posted by PrimoTat
Ah yes, sounds more like examples of the Madonna complex. That is men wishing for their SO to be pristine and virtuous. Meanwhile, there is a seedier streak hidden inside that can still get out.

Good luck to you both in finding the balance and pulling your boys out from the shadows to discover their own sensuality and sexuality.

Wait what? Seriously?

Please tell me you are not posting on a forum such as this, in a BDSM area, and implying that those who look at sex differently from yourself are dealing with mental issues. The choice to treat women with great care and gentleness is no more a "complex" than the choice to enjoy BDSM.

And what makes you think that our 'boys' have not already discovered their sensuality and sexuality? Because it isn't what you yourself define as pleasurable?

I think I need to log off before I get really mean.

 

[HunnyBee18]

(posted twice in error)

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Wait what? Seriously?

Please tell me you are not posting on a forum such as this, in a BDSM area, and implying that those who look at sex differently from yourself are dealing with mental issues. The choice to treat women with great care and gentleness is no more a "complex" than the choice to enjoy BDSM.

And what makes you think that our 'boys' have not already discovered their sensuality and sexuality? Because it isn't what you yourself define as pleasurable?

I think I need to log off before I get really mean.

Tell that to Freud, before you go ripping into someone.

S/he (sorry Primo, I don't know what you are ) was in no way implying someone who felt like that was dealing with 'mental issues.'

 

[HunnyBee18]

Tell that to Freud, before you go ripping into someone.

S/he (sorry Primo, I don't know what you are ) was in no way implying someone who felt like that was dealing with 'mental issues.'

Maybe not intentionally, but I think you are being too kind.

complex:
b (1) : a group of repressed desires and memories that exerts a dominating influence upon the personality (2) : an exaggerated reaction to or preoccupation with a subject or situation

Whether it was intentional or not, it is what it is. There is no reason to say that someone has a "madonna complex" simply because they treat their partner with respect and kindness. Any more than it's acceptable to say a woman is anorexic simply because she is thin, or that a man is perverted because he likes to inflict pain. Unless, of course, the poster is a licenced professional who has personal experience with those he/she is choosing to pigeonhole? No, I thought not.

 

[okapirox]

(Back on topic)

Being totally honest, I think I'm the sort of person who would be freaked out by a partner who wanted to introduce BDSM into a relationship. It just leaves me cold. Spanking is a nice as an occasional add-on to foreplay, but that's about my limit.

And if a GF wanted it, and I didn't, it would probably doom the relationship.

 

[Netzach]

Maybe not intentionally, but I think you are being too kind.

complex:
b (1) : a group of repressed desires and memories that exerts a dominating influence upon the personality (2) : an exaggerated reaction to or preoccupation with a subject or situation

Whether it was intentional or not, it is what it is. There is no reason to say that someone has a "madonna complex" simply because they treat their partner with respect and kindness. Any more than it's acceptable to say a woman is anorexic simply because she is thin, or that a man is perverted because he likes to inflict pain. Unless, of course, the poster is a licenced professional who has personal experience with those he/she is choosing to pigeonhole? No, I thought not.

I think it's perfectly acceptable to attribute some pretty toxic social conditioning to someone who reacts to a partner's sexuality with palpable shame and disgust when confronted with their honest desires, assuming these don't involve pedophilia and puppy stomping.

You asked for advice and you got some excellent advice. It does involve piping up - so you can throw up your hands and cherish your shyness and nurse the repression that was given you and send him targeted psychic vibes or you can actually begin talking to this person you trust - if you feel like talking about sex is going to taint his image of you or yours of yourself irrevocably then there's not a lot you can do but hint and hope. If you want to actually hit the target you might have to turn and face it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sometimes it's the women who have a hard time letting go of their own "Madonna Complex."

I've had that problem more than once in my life myself-- You establish a set of behaviors that define your relationship, and just can't get yourself to start talking making any changes. You have a man who treats you as an equal-- it's scary to talk about power imbalances even in a limited form.

But I've noticed that men-- some men-- can compartment things in ways women-- some women--find difficult to do, even difficult to believe.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

(Back on topic)

Being totally honest, I think I'm the sort of person who would be freaked out by a partner who wanted to introduce BDSM into a relationship. It just leaves me cold. Spanking is a nice as an occasional add-on to foreplay, but that's about my limit.

And if a GF wanted it, and I didn't, it would probably doom the relationship.

Well, yes, that would doom the relationship, because you have such different interests, that one or the other, or both, will end up being unhappy.

And to me, an unhappy relationship is the 'doomed' part, not the lack of bdsm.

It's perfectly fine to not be into bdsm. Freaking out about someone wanting it doesn't make you strange. Treating her like a freak for wanting it though, would make you a bit of a prick, so if it ever comes up, make sure you act like a gent.

 

[okapirox]

Treating her like a freak for wanting it though, would make you a bit of a prick, so if it ever comes up, make sure you act like a gent.

Don't worry, I'm a 'whatever floats your boat' sort of person. BDSM is just one of those things (like scat, and that weird pretending-to-be-a-pony role play) that gets in the way of a good shag. IMHO. So it'd just be an amicable break.

 

[HunnyBee18]

I think it's perfectly acceptable to attribute some pretty toxic social conditioning to someone who reacts to a partner's sexuality with palpable shame and disgust when confronted with their honest desires, assuming these don't involve pedophilia and puppy stomping.

You asked for advice and you got some excellent advice. It does involve piping up - so you can throw up your hands and cherish your shyness and nurse the repression that was given you and send him targeted psychic vibes or you can actually begin talking to this person you trust - if you feel like talking about sex is going to taint his image of you or yours of yourself irrevocably then there's not a lot you can do but hint and hope. If you want to actually hit the target you might have to turn and face it.

Yes, you're right - but nobody said anything about 'palpable shame and disgust'.

I'm leaving this thread, because I prefer to enjoy my time online; but I just want to leave one simple concept behind when I go:

Everyone here is proud of their ability to enjoy their sexuality in whatever way they choose, and everyone here defends their likes and dislikes against the judgemental views of the outside world. So why, pray tell, do we inflict that same judgemental attitude on those who look at sex differently from ourselves?

There is no black and white when it comes to sex. Only compatibility and incompatibility, and to judge those who view their partners differently from how we do, is totally rediculous on a site such as this. The premise which started this off-shoot of the discussion, was that not all men would be excited about having BDSM requested by their partner.

If we don't call a woman 'repressed' for refusing to be beaten, then why would we say a man has a "madonna complex" if he is reluctant to beat his partner?
Without logic, a debate is nothing more than pointless words flung through the air. And I just can't see the logic in such an argument.