How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

Well it turns out I don't even have to make the decision at all. I didn't want to make it in the first place. I had to decide whether or not to abort the baby. A baby in which I wasn't prepared for but wanted with all my heart. I talked for hours with Brian and my family. It was never a matter of not wanting the baby. Brian and I were thrilled. It was a matter of being able to safetly deliver the baby without either of us being harmed. My weight was a big issue. The doctor told me that I would most likely not carry full term or long enough for the baby to live and if I did the chance that I would not make it through was great. I was then told that should I make it I would most likely not be able to have another baby. Then there was also the fact that I was told this by 3 different doctors. I cried over this until I had to give them my decision. I would give up the baby. Brian and I are young and I am going to be having my weight loss surgery soon enough. Then when I am thinner and able to do this we will have children. It kills us both inside because I am a month and a week now and we were looking forward to having a baby. Well at the hospital on Saturday before I left they did an ultrasound to check everything out and it turns out I have an ectopic pregnancy. I have no choice but to terminate. This does not make things any easier. Up until they put me under to terminate I could have changed my mind and risked everything. Now I have no choice. Wed I will be in the hospital again but only for the night. But that is life and sometimes it hands you a pile of shit. Now I just gotta figure out how to make fertilizer out of it.

I am fairing better now. Still upset about it all but I have to look at the bright side of things. Plus I see a therapist to talk about it all on tuesday.

Well I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and enjoys their Memorial Day. I am going to my uncles with Brian. Should be a welcome distraction.

I am deeply sorry that you have had to make this very difficult decision but seeing that you could have put both you & the baby in extreem danger it might be best in the long run , as you say you both are still young so there is a bright future for you , Brian & future family.

It is a decision I or anyone I know has had to make the closest being my daughter who has been told NOT to have anymore kids as the last born (her son) almost killed her, she is 26 in October this year so has a long life ahead of her & 2 beautiful kids 1 girl & 1 boy.

 

[Blackbich]

I have been away too long. Many new faces are on this thread. Hello everyone!!!

babydoll...there is absolutely nothing I can say that hasn't been said before. I'm sorry to hear about the negative stuff with the baby. It's hard when you want a child and something happens but you are still young and you will have a beautiful little soul looking back at you with bright shining eyes one day very, very soon. I'm glad you are standing up for yourself and getting the restraining order against your brother. As Don said, you are now proving that you deserve better treatment and the family will come around. They have no choice but, even if they don't, I have faith that you will do what's best for you. (((((babydoll))))


WolfSong, I knew you had a beautiful soul. You have proven it numerous times with your kinds words on this thread. I had tears in my eyes while reading your story. Bless you for the wonderful person you are and for the strength you continue to impart to everyone else here. I love the temper story...I've read it before but it's something I try to remember every day.


stilltrying, thank you for sharing your story with us. It breaks my heart knowing what you went through. In case you haven't gotten the hint...yes, this thread is for people who have suffered childhood abuse as well as spousal abuse. Child abusers are the worse and people who hide behind religion piss me off. I know, I know...the bible says. Well, you know what - I don't think that's quite what God meant when he said spare the rod, spoil the child. And if it is...I'll just have to take it up with him when I see him on judgement day. I commend your attempts at understanding your father, st, but please don't drive yourself nuts trying. 99.9% of abusers will never fess up to what they've done and when they do, they try to justify their actions. As long as you are able to find peace within yourself and move on and still be the unique, wonderful, loving person that you are...that's all you can ask. (((stilltrying)))


wantonica...what can I say? I will give you this: all of the children in my family have been raped. Me at 5 (and 17 by a friend), my step-sister sometime before the age of 3, my brother around 10 or 11, my baby brother as a child and my baby sister as a child - all by different people. Not only does my mother feel guilty about what happened but I do too. As the older sister, I knew something was going on with the youngest two children; I didn't know what but all the bells and whistles were going off and my instinct told me something just wasn't right. I tried to tell my parents but, when they confronted the abuser (my brother who was raped at 10/11) about it, he denied and - as most victims will do when threatened - the younger siblings denied it. He made horrible accusations against me which he hoped would throw my parents off of what he was doing and it worked. *sigh* The guilt that I carry with me has affected my relationship with my youngest brother...he can't stand me for whatever reason and I don't push it...and the way I feel about myself. I know there is absolutely nothing I could have done differently but still. The reason I told you that story is...there's nothing you could have done. That baby sister I told you about had a self defeating habit of choosing men that were abusive and was sexually promiscious starting at 13. Here's where I offer you hope...if you show your daughter you love her...be there for her...let her know you understand why she's making the choices she's making...get her a good therapist - even if you have to go through the entire phone book to do so - she will begin to love herself again and will begin to make good choices again and her promiscuity will go away. I've seen it with my baby sister. She didn't get counseling though...her therapist sucked. That's why I say a good counselor. If you show your son you love him and that it wasn't his fault that his sister was being abused...he was a kid himself, there was nothing he could have done differently...let him know you love him...get him a good therapist...his rage will go away. It's going to take a lot of patience and you aren't going to be able to place blame or get frustrated or sweep it under the rug but, I promise you, if you do this...your children will be stronger for it and a lot of the bad stuff you're seeing from them now will slowly, but surely, dissipate. If you EVER need someone to talk to, please PM or e-mail me. (((wantonica))) I will keep you in my prayers.


And can I say again...GO Kiki GO KiKi. Already kicking menz to the curb.

Seriously...again, all I can say is Kiki you've come a long way, baby! I'm so happy for you and I'm glad to see you are strong enough to recognize what might not be the best situation for you to be in and to let it go. I never doubted for a second that you would be here one day.


Congrats, BrownEyed, on your counseling job. I will be signing up my services at the local domestic abuse shelter here as well. You are going to kick butt in that job!

To everyone I might have forgotten...I apologize sincerely. My brain is fried and my cold isn't improving the odds any.

Gil, get better soon hon. I cannot thank you enough for being loving enough to start this thread. (((gil)))

 

[Wolf_Song]

Well it turns out I don't even have to make the decision at all. I didn't want to make it in the first place. I had to decide whether or not to abort the baby. A baby in which I wasn't prepared for but wanted with all my heart. I talked for hours with Brian and my family. It was never a matter of not wanting the baby. Brian and I were thrilled. It was a matter of being able to safetly deliver the baby without either of us being harmed. My weight was a big issue. The doctor told me that I would most likely not carry full term or long enough for the baby to live and if I did the chance that I would not make it through was great. I was then told that should I make it I would most likely not be able to have another baby. Then there was also the fact that I was told this by 3 different doctors. I cried over this until I had to give them my decision. I would give up the baby. Brian and I are young and I am going to be having my weight loss surgery soon enough. Then when I am thinner and able to do this we will have children. It kills us both inside because I am a month and a week now and we were looking forward to having a baby. Well at the hospital on Saturday before I left they did an ultrasound to check everything out and it turns out I have an ectopic pregnancy. I have no choice but to terminate. This does not make things any easier. Up until they put me under to terminate I could have changed my mind and risked everything. Now I have no choice. Wed I will be in the hospital again but only for the night. But that is life and sometimes it hands you a pile of shit. Now I just gotta figure out how to make fertilizer out of it.

I am fairing better now. Still upset about it all but I have to look at the bright side of things. Plus I see a therapist to talk about it all on tuesday.

Well I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and enjoys their Memorial Day. I am going to my uncles with Brian. Should be a welcome distraction.

My sincerest condolences with all that you and loved ones have had to face. Losing a child isnt easy, having once gone through a miscarriage in a past relationship was a heart ripper. And in this and more will be sending you postive thoughts with prayers.

( big comforting hugs if so wished )

 

[Wolf_Song]

<snip>

WolfSong, I knew you had a beautiful soul. You have proven it numerous times with your kinds words on this thread. I had tears in my eyes while reading your story. Bless you for the wonderful person you are and for the strength you continue to impart to everyone else here. I love the temper story...I've read it before but it's something I try to remember every day.

Ditto on the beautiful soul and all else. Your a wonderful person whom has come along way and an honor and pleasure in having met you.
<snip>

To everyone I might have forgotten...I apologize sincerely. My brain is fried and my cold isn't improving the odds any.

Hoping your cold gets better !
( get well soon card n flowers atcha )

Gil, get better soon hon. I cannot thank you enough for being loving enough to start this thread. (((gil)))

My thanks again to Gil.. ya dun good !
( big ole hearty handshake )

( leaving big ole hugs here for any whom wish them )

 

[Gil_T2]

It really does give me pleasure & hope seeing ppl exchanging posts between each othere here as for those who were victim posting & helping I think is vital for your acceptance that no matter how your abuse happened you are no longer victims but survivers who will grow in strength as each day passes & even set backs are not as threatening as they once were.

Be strong & support & grow with each other.

 

[kikmosa]

I am a weak-willed piece of trash whore.

It's what I am and what I will always be.

I will never get away.

I will let him use me over and over again.

I'm too afraid of being alone to let go and leave.

I've failed myself and all of you here.

I'll never change.

I lack the strength to even try anymore.

I don't know if I can live with myself like this.

Only my bond holds me now.

I'm so sorry but I'm not asking for forgiveness.

I don't deserve to be forgiven.

 

[Noor]

I am a weak-willed piece of trash whore.
It's what I am and what I will always be.
I will never get away.
I will let him use me over and over again.
I'm too afraid of being alone to let go and leave.
I've failed myself and all of you here.
I'll never change.
I lack the strength to even try anymore.
I don't know if I can live with myself like this.
Only my bond holds me now.
I'm so sorry but I'm not asking for forgiveness.
I don't deserve to be forgiven.

NO, you are not! We all have times when we slip and fall back into this pattern of the abusee, but this is not who we are, we get tired of the fight, it happens, but we regroup and go on! You have to get right back in there and believe even if it seems impossible you MUST do it!

You have been strong and inspiring, you can do it. Being alone and free is better than abused, beside once you are free you won't be alone, and you are not really alone now anyway.

The evil you know is always tempting compared to the unknown but believe me there are wonderful unknowns out there, places where you will be safe and free. Relationships that you never imagined existed, the feeling of being surround by warmth and love.

It is a constant battle not just with the abuser but with yourself to maintain your freedom, to demand respect.

Tonight I almost said ok, whatever you want, just for peace between us but I couldn't. He is not an abuser, he is good man who doesn't understand and he is trying so hard as am I. We seem to have tapped into each others pasts. I don't know what will happen, I never talked about this because it never occurred to me that it would come up and now it seems we can't talk at all.

Not sure I will sleep tonight myself, please pm me if you need to.

 

[Wolf_Song]

I am a weak-willed piece of trash whore.

Your a brilliant beautiful person

It's what I am and what I will always be.

Yes.. more wonderful each day.

I will never get away.

You will.. myself and many believe in you.

I will let him use me over and over again.

There is always a part of you he cant use.. in our hearts.

I'm too afraid of being alone to let go and leave.

Your never alone in our thoughts and hearts.

I've failed myself and all of you here.

You havent failed, it only feels like you have.

I'll never change.

You already have.. your aware and more.

I lack the strength to even try anymore.

I remind you that the strength is there.

I don't know if I can live with myself like this.

We can.. your family here.

Only my bond holds me now.

Love is more than a bond.. that you have here with many.

I'm so sorry but I'm not asking for forgiveness.

You dont need to.

I don't deserve to be forgiven.

There is nothing to be forgiven.. only given..
( big ole gentle supportive hug n warm understanding smile ).

Every one has times of doubt Kiki, its part of being human.. whether abused or not. Just like when others doubted themselves and you were there for them. Were here for you, even if takes some time to post.. your still loved and believed in.

 

[Gil_T2]

I am a weak-willed piece of trash whore.

It's what I am and what I will always be.

I will never get away.

I will let him use me over and over again.

I'm too afraid of being alone to let go and leave.

I've failed myself and all of you here.

I'll never change.

I lack the strength to even try anymore.

I don't know if I can live with myself like this.

Only my bond holds me now.

I'm so sorry but I'm not asking for forgiveness.

I don't deserve to be forgiven.

Dear KIKI this is just a minor set back NOT what you are destined for I can well understand you wanting to be loved (as we all do) & this is the first time you have been shown anything but ABUSE by the person your with & you found that it is wonderful to be with a NON ABUSER even though he has many faults which are not healthy for you.
You haven't failed anyone, you have fallen into something that showed promise & now let it take control of you through the fear of being alone which hurts deeply, YOU DO HAVE STRENGTH as you have shown this to me many times. There are good guys out there but you need to re find the loverly you WE know is there so you can be the wonderful lady I know. You may be weak- willed at the moment but the rest of the self discription is WRONG.

You say your not worth forgiving BUT that is for us to decide & I think I am the closest to you on LIT (unfortunately not in distance)
& I DO FORGIVE YOU & I DO UNDERSTAND as well.

What happened to the course you were going to do to improve your employment chances ? get into it & put these negating thought out of your mind.

EMAIL ME PLEASE so we can get thing back on track together, there is nothing that you do that will change my high esteem of you.

 

[Gil_T2]

BEAUTIFUL WORDS NOOR & you have made good sence too.

WOLF SONG you guys are so good helping since comming here thankyou both very much as KIKI is EXTREEMLY important to me

KIKI if you read this turn on your MSN so we can chat...PLEASE.

 

[stilltrying]

I've been away for awhile and it seems that I've missed quite a bit.

My regards to all who post here.

babydoll, I'm terribly sorry to read about your situation. Everyone here seems to have already said what I would say, and I can only add that from what I've seen in your posts, I think it's clear that you are strong enough to handle all of this. I doubt that knowing that will make it any easier to go through, but at least you know that you WILL get through. Which is something.
Wishing you all the best.

Blackbich, thank you for your kind words.
I think your advice to wantonica is excellent. Sexual abuse by it's very nature leaves it's mark and everyone who has had to go through that will have to find some way to include that 'mark' as a permanent part of their sexuality. Since there are few real role models for how to do that, it requires a great deal of experimentation and quite often people end up being promiscuous, at least for a time. I know I was for years and it took me a long time to figure out how much of that was really 'me' and how much was my past playing itself out in my behavior.

kikmosa, I know the feelings you describe in your last post very well. The most difficult thing of all is to realize that you are valuable just because you 'are'. Just by being 'you', you are something special and unique that cannot be replaced or replicated.
That's a difficult concept to internalize I know, you look at yourself and don't see what you are hoping to see, or wish you could see, and what's there just looks like nothing in comparison. But that's only because you accept the special, wonderful qualities that you have without stopping to think about the fact that they ARE special and wonderful.
I've not read many of your posts, but the couple that I've seen show you to be a very kind, thoughtful and caring person. If those qualities were ubiquitous, or universal then the world would be a wonderful place without war or crime or suffering. Instead they are sadly fairly rare and all the more valuable because of this.
Please be honest with yourself. Honesty isn't just recognizing the negative, it's also seeing the positive as well and if you look at yourself and only see one or the other then you are not being truly honest.
You are clearly loved in this thread, and I don't suppose you're ready to say that everyone here is foolish for feeling about you as they do?

 

[Bandit58]

I am a weak-willed piece of trash whore.

It's what I am and what I will always be.

I will never get away.

I will let him use me over and over again.

I'm too afraid of being alone to let go and leave.

I've failed myself and all of you here.

I'll never change.

I lack the strength to even try anymore.

I don't know if I can live with myself like this.

Only my bond holds me now.

I'm so sorry but I'm not asking for forgiveness.

I don't deserve to be forgiven.

Kiki you are definitely not weak, you're the strongest person I've ever met, you've survived something terrible and come out the other side. Noor is right, being alone and free is so much better than being abused. Just because it didn't work with the person you were with, you had the courage to go out and TRY, and it will give you a platform to work from the next time.

I stayed in my marriage because I was afraid of being alone too. When I got out, I met someone who I love very much, but I'm still alone because he has issues to work through himself and I'm prepared to give him the time and the space to do that. Meanwhile I'm working on myself, and because I am on my own I have the freedom to choose what to do and when to do it, for the first time in my life I answer to me no one else. I have bad days too, I miss my daughter and I don't know when I'll see my lover in r/l, and sometimes I cry......but then I'll ring a friend and she'll invite me round for coffee and we'll talk for hours and I can face another day........

I went out and did computer courses and I have a job now, temporary but could become permanent.......if not I have valuable experience for the future. It's been the same with relationships. Take the good things you had and use them for the next person that comes along (and there will be a next one). There are kind and loving men out there, I know..........

 

[blueyedheartbandit]

Being abused...

Being abused is a never ending cycle of trying to figure out endless questions...what did I do to deserve it, why can't I get out, does it ever end?
I know, I've been there....My first marriage was a nightmare from the get go, he hit me the first time after we had been married only 3 days, I stayed 4 years. Abuse is a cycle, the people who are abusers are sick and need help, though not many of them will admit it. He wouldn't. I contributed to the abuse by staying and not getting help for myself. I finally left after he nearly killed me. My next relationship was just as bad, it was like I attracted these kind of guys. Which, looking back, I did. His abuse was more verbal and finally it came to a head and we ended up in a huge fistfight that nearly got us both arrested. Am I proud? In a way yes, fighting back was stupid, but I felt that I had stood up for myself for a change. I had to change ME before I could expect to find a better, healthy relationship with anyone. I had to get right with myself first. It took some serious therapy, some soul searching to find out what attracted me to guys like that. I was a co-dependent person who relied on others to make me happy.
Now I know that true happiness comes from within, nobody can MAKE you happy, you have to do that yourself.
As for being worthless...noone who has been abused is worthless, you aren't a failure. You're lost right now, and just need a hand to help you get out of the darkness. I've been there, lots of us have, you CAN do it. That first step out the door is the hardest, but you CAN do it...I have faith in you.
I'm now in a healthy relationship with a man who loves me for who I am, who appreciates me and treats me like a queen.
Keep friends around you, don't let anyone seperate you from loved ones...they are your greatest allies and support. There are tons of places to go to get away from an abuser, SWAN is a great place. They will help you in many, many ways, through counseling, help with a lawyer, food, housing, everything.
If you are abused, know that you aren't alone...you just have to reach out and take the helping hand that is being extended to you.

Blessed Be

 

[Don K Dyck]

I am a weak-willed piece of trash whore.
It's what I am and what I will always be.
I will never get away.
I will let him use me over and over again.
I'm too afraid of being alone to let go and leave.
I've failed myself and all of you here.
I'll never change.
I lack the strength to even try anymore.
I don't know if I can live with myself like this.
Only my bond holds me now.
I'm so sorry but I'm not asking for forgiveness.
I don't deserve to be forgiven.

Oops!! Somebody has put their foot into one of the potholes on life's highway and twisted an ankle . . . I don't think I've heard such utter rubbish since Ishmael posted on the Iaq Invasion . . .

heheheh . . . funny isn't it? How we reach back for our "old" self-image when our developing self-image suffers a bit of a knock? Just a natural response, but one reflects the past rather than either the present or the future. Therefore this self-doubt is natural but erroneous.

Kiki . . . you are a lovely lady with a delightful personality and a wicked sense of humour. Since you commenced posting on Lit you have taken responsibility for yourself and changed from a whimpering scaredy cat to an assertive woman who stands up for what she believes. You can only be used if YOU choose to be used . . . so tell the sucker to "Bugger off" LOUDLY!!.

Strength?? Why, you demonstrated strength beyond the capacity of chrome-vanadium steel to just survive until now . . . you don't lose THAT STRENGTH in one small altercation with a dickhead. Your life is ahead of you, you can make it what YOU wish . . .

OK, so don't ask for forgiveness . . . let me be the best judge of that (aussie Joh joke) . . . What is there to forgive? Nothing that I can see.

Kiki, you have many friends on Lit and each and every one of those friends consider that this last post of yours is total rubbish!! Thank you for venting.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: Being abused...

Being abused is a never ending cycle of trying to figure out endless questions...what did I do to deserve it, why can't I get out, does it ever end?

I had to change ME before I could expect to find a better, healthy relationship with anyone. I had to get right with myself first. It took some serious therapy, some soul searching to find out what attracted me to guys like that. I was a co-dependent person who relied on others to make me happy.

Now I know that true happiness comes from within, nobody can MAKE you happy, you have to do that yourself.

As for being worthless...noone who has been abused is worthless, you aren't a failure. You're lost right now, and just need a hand to help you get out of the darkness. I've been there, lots of us have, you CAN do it. That first step out the door is the hardest, but you CAN do it...I have faith in you.
I'm now in a healthy relationship with a man who loves me for who I am, who appreciates me and treats me like a queen.
Keep friends around you, don't let anyone seperate you from loved ones...they are your greatest allies and support. There are tons of places to go to get away from an abuser, SWAN is a great place. They will help you in many, many ways, through counseling, help with a lawyer, food, housing, everything.
If you are abused, know that you aren't alone...you just have to reach out and take the helping hand that is being extended to you.

Blessed Be

Hi blueyedheartbandit, Geat post and excellent advice. I particularly liked your points about

Once we realise that "I had to change ME before I could expect to find a better, healthy relationship with anyone. I had to get right with myself first. It took some serious therapy, some soul searching to find out what attracted me to guys like that. "

Too often we externalise the problem when we need to get our own heads straight before we can approach an enduring relationship. Co-dependent relationships and families are difficult . . . and too frequent. But each of us can work through the inherent problems and become the individuals that we deserve to be. A firend of mine once said," If God made Man in his image then He surely wanted Man to be happy, positive and enjoy living life with a passion."

 

[BrownEyes26]

(((HUGS)) to kiki and a big hello to everybody else. Hope everyone is doing well.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Re: Being abused...

<snip>
I had to change ME before I could expect to find a better, healthy relationship with anyone. I had to get right with myself first. It took some serious therapy, some soul searching to find out what attracted me to guys like that. I was a co-dependent person who relied on others to make me happy.
Now I know that true happiness comes from within, nobody can MAKE you happy, you have to do that yourself.
<snip>

Just wanted to borrow the above quoted from you and show it again. As it is so very true. Its when one decides to make changes, sets goals and begins the new steps.. thats when things really start to happen. And even if the goals arent fully met, take a look back.. the attempts are an accomplishment all their own.

Your living proof blueyedheartbandit of what you have said and accomplished. Wanting to thank you in all shared, very brilliantly and heartedly done. You fit right in here as a beautiful person.


Being a lazy typer and saying howdy and wishing best to every one. Even those whom dont post. With wanting to remind every one that taking a look back in every thing of yourselves.. you have come a long way. ( big hearty grinning cheers atcha's )


( hugs and or handshakes for every wonderful person reading this )

 

[Wolf_Song]

Below is quoted from another thread

Originally posted by Don K Dyck
I agree, woodcarver . . . what we need is some strategies which we have used that have been successful/helpful in restoring our sanity and self-esteem . . . does anyone have any ideas?

Originally posted by Wolf_Song


- Communicating is a start, and already this herein is started as a group and each individually with self. Attempt to communicate as often as possible about any thing that strikes your fancy.

- Stop and look back to see you have already come a long way. As so many have in what has been shared, which is admirably respectable.

- Positive reinforcement to others and self does wonders to. Give yourselves a pat on the back.. your amazing people. Accept and share compliments.. you and others deserve them.

- Sanity, quite frankly none of you are ready to be committed.. your healing. Its just those times of self doubt and others that cause emotional overload that make it seem so. Realize that.

- Balanced diet helps your body get what it needs and assist in chemical balancing, with lots of fluids. As not enough proper foods with liquid can really throw the system for a loop. Whether some one weighs extra or lesser.. its whats within that matters most.

- Exercising daily assists in chemical balancing with building good cholestoral. With being good to have at least fifteen minutes a day. Even a basic stretching regimen that warms body is a good start and continuance.

- Healthy regular sex life even if have to fly solo or at long distances. Dont forget spontaneity to.

- Creativity in hobbies or things enjoyed goes a long way to releasing stress.

- Meditation, mantras and prayers are great in promoting self esteem and comfort. Whether religious or not each can be combined together. In even taking a few moments at any part of day to breath deeply and slowly with sharing positive thoughts to self and world in silence or vocally.

- Time outs are good to, whether short or longer terms. Even closing eyes, starting slow deep breaths and counting to thirty silently with thinking of nothing else can do wonders. Getting away regularily with others and self is great as well.

- Share thoughts that need said, even if those confiding in may not want to hear them. Their like truth, the sooner you get them out the better each has chance to react or heal.

- Get silly lots, even if its making a face at a reflective surface. In actions, words and thoughts is great for well being.

- Keep learning about yourself and others in multiple mediums. Whether professional or personal interactions.. television, books, radio, net and up front experiences are great.

- Be objective in trying to look at both sides of any given situation and if you cant see it, ask. The stupidest questions are those unasked.

- Beliefs are good and if you feel you dont have enough of them, then discover.

- Dont take on more than you can handle, evaluate what your handling regularily. With remembering to delegate when possible.

- Try and enjoy every thing you do, with sharing accordingly to others.

- Share loving words and actions with others as much as possibly, lifes to short not to enjoy the best moments of love. Even when single there is still familial, friendship and other types and levels of love to enjoy.

- Spending time with children is great, they still have what many have felt lost. Learn from and teach them the best as one can. Whether in playing or having heart to heart talks.

- Chores need to be shared as much as possible. Even with children as they experience responsibility, get exercise and learn more skills for future. Traditionally boy or girl skills taught to both each child helps them share, understand and appreciate more of and with future partner(s).

- Insights of others are all over the place, even children in talking to them heart to heart or as a friend is amazing.

- Reward yourself and others when something good is done. Doesnt have to be an item or money necessarily.. honest praise goes a long way.

- Share regularily.. in as much as you can in as much as possible.

- Scheduling is good in many areas including for things that need done.. whether practical or fun times.

- Dancing is great to, even if limited in getting out.. still can be done at home. Bust a move while driving, in chair or alone. Its great in far to many ways, in silliness, wildness and romantic.. to name a few.

- Curious about something ? go for it, even if you dont feel ready to participate right away or not at all. Still can research and get opinions on it.

- " Get over yourself ", every one has moments where they are to big headed or being to critical to self and others. Among many times that is when its time to stop, think, ask questions and learn.

- Forgiveness is something to look at.. whether you do it or not doesnt make you a lesser person if you have tried your best.

- Responsibility and accountability go hand in hand, even when we wish such were otherwise in lifes situations.

- Set goals, even small ones are worth the feeling of accomplishment. And the ones that dont go as wished, are worth learning from and even in attempting them is an accomplishment.

- Courtesy goes a long way, but some times you have to be blunt.. with self and others.

- Excuses arent a substitute for positive action.

- Trust, love and communication need nurtured in special relationships.. especially with self. To be able to see and appreciate each with self is when your beginning to win.



Well I had better stop being longwinded and get some rest. Much more could be added and that already above may be disputed, thats life.

There arent specific answers about each thing. The answers are in every thing we do. Whether positively by self or in interactions with others. A healthy lifestyle starts with self and is shared accordingly.

We all chose to live life.. or REALLY live life in every thing. An open mind and heart is the beginning, with sharing accordingly.


Hearts blessings with wishing each the best in life and love.

 

[Gil_T2]

Well KIKI you can see that we are all with you & know that you are holding on for the sake of feeling wanted but it isn't anymore then being used & abused by this guy as he dosen't want you to let anyone know you are seeing each other & he isn't giving you pleasure either, I was so happy when you first told us about him but he has to clear his own gremlins & is dragging you down. AND it is YOU that we care about, I don't think he really wants to change himself.


{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[kikmosa]

Thank you everyone for your support. Sometimes things just overwhwlm me. Your being here for me means a lot to me.

I am fighting this and I will evenually win but it will be a fight and will take time. I know I need to get out of this situation and starting with tonight I'm going to try to stay away from him. It won't be easy for me but I'm going to do my best.

 

[stilltrying]

Good luck to you Kikmosa.
I'm sure you'll make it.

 

[Blackbich]

Thank you everyone for your support. Sometimes things just overwhwlm me. Your being here for me means a lot to me.

Of course we support you. You have been a rock to many people on this thread and an inspiration to us as well. You gave many of us courage to come forth with our stories and have helped support many of us who are fighting our own demons. We have become a family who sincerely care about each other...that's what it's all about.

I am fighting this and I will evenually win but it will be a fight and will take time. I know I need to get out of this situation and starting with tonight I'm going to try to stay away from him. It won't be easy for me but I'm going to do my best.

And we all have faith that you will come through this with flying colors. We will all support you in what you have to do. It's what true families do.

(((kiki)))

Good luck, honey and remember...we're here for you.

 

[Bandit58]

Dealing with the Ex

I try not to have anything to do with my ex, but it's difficult sometimes when we have children together. For instance, today I'm going out there to pick up my daughter for a visit. If he's there he'll not say one word to me. All the old feelings of inadequacy come flooding back, and I can't wait to leave.

He's never come out and been nasty to me, but his whole attitude just makes me so uncomfortable. He's so bitter about things and he hasn't even tried to move on........and from what my daughter says he can be very moody. I worry about a 15 year old having to cope with that, but she seems happy and she's old enough now to go and do her own thing........

Any tips for dealing with this......he was never violent but I still feel awful whenever I see him or even talk on the phone.....

 

[kikmosa]

Well, an entire weekend has come and gone and I've managed not to go see him. Even though he sent me a message telling me to. It's been the longest weekend. But I've made it through one and I'll make it through more. I hate being alone. No one to talk to or be with. Even if he does ignore me except when he wants some, at least I had someone to be near. Now I have no one. But I will survive. I went 4 years with no one before him and once I get used to it again I'll get by 4 more. Or longer.

 

[Noor]

Good going, Kiki!!!!! You are doing great. You can always talk to us.

I doubt very much it will be 4 more years but even if it is that is better then abuse, really.

Noor