How do you help someone get over being abused

[LithiumKiss]

Thanks very much, I'll check it out.

 

[kikmosa]

..............

 

[Wolf_Song]

Wishing the best to those healing and those concerned about others healing from abuse. One of the best things you can to is keep talking to good people. Now and then time outs are needed. But still there are so many wonderful people to talk to who are heads above those who would abuse you verbally or otherwise. Some times takes a while to find such special people... but is worth it. And know that you are special to.

(special healing hugs for those wishing or needing them)

 

[nayia]

How do you help someone get over being abused? You don't. It's not something you 'get over'. It's something you can move on from, it's something you can come to terms with, it's even something you may be able to lock into a small box in your mind never to be looked at again. It's something you look at with hatred because you wish you didn't have it inside you. But you never 'get over' it.

Sometimes we're not looking for help per se. Me? I would love someone to hold me while I cry, to not get angry or frustrated if I don't see myself the way they do or if I get paranoid or uncertain - not asking you to like it or enjoy it, but at least know where it's coming from - and allow me to gently explore my way through things and to enjoy the squelchy squishy stuff that my explorations may lead to!

This is an amazing post. I can relate it it so much, especially the waiting for the other shoe to drop part. Even after 3 years with someone who gives me what you described at the end I still have trouble believing that there is no other shoe.

Constantly waiting for the shoe to drop and wishing so goddamn hard that you didn't, but you just can't help it. Constantly overthinking things because you're so scared of letting go and going with the flow, because control is sometimes the only thing you feel you have left.

This is huge. During the abuse it seemed like food was the only thing I could control. Sometimes when life becomes stressful I go back to that kind of thinking. If I could eat less, it would be enough punishment for everything bad that I did and everything bad that I am. If I could lose enough weight I can fade away. If I throw up this food that he made me eat at least there is something I can still decide.

Since the abuse, I've become afraid. I'm scared to talk to new people, to go in public alone, to be without a close and trusted friend in a group of acquaintances... I'm scared of loud noises (motorcycles, thunderstorms, people shouting). Sometimes I feel the terror in my stomach for no apparent reason. I don't know if this will ever stop.

It's such a sickening feeling thinking you've dealt with something (as best you can) only to realise that nope, it's still waiting to smack you in the head occasionally. And even more sickening to realise that you may just keep on fucking up your chances to have any hope of a 'normal' liaison or relationship with someone, in real life or even over chat/voice, because you're so used to the bad/mean/ugly that anyone who seems nice/kind/undemanding must come with a hidden catch, right?

One thing that's helped me with my fear is training in martial arts. The first year after I left my abuser I started training for a tournament. It was an amazing experience. I learned to believe in my own physical and mental abilities, that my effort can lead to tangible results. I learned that scary looking people can be genuinely nice. I built up tolerance for being close to people.

Training gives me some confidence that I won't freeze up next time someone gets up in my face. The biggest shame for me is that I never fought back against the physical abuse. I'm still petite and I'll never be as strong as most men. In a real fight I'd probably lose, but at least I know I'd go down fighting.

Thank you for sharing, and for reading. It's both saddening and comforting to know that I'm not alone.

 

[kikmosa]

Well, I don't know what to feel now. For years I've lived in fear of my ex finding me. I've lived alone, hiding from life, too afraid to step outside my safe zone.
Now I received word that he's gone. From my sister of all people. She called to let me know he had a heart attack and died. And wanted to know if I was going to go to his funeral. (Only if I can dance on his grave)
How am I to deal with this? In some ways I feel relieved. I don't have to look over my shoulder anymore. I can sleep without waking every time I hear a sound. I can breathe.
And yet, I've lived like this for so many years. I'm not sure if I can change. How do I let go of a fear that's ruled me for so long?
And I feel guilty. I let him get away with what he did to me and probably to others because I was too scared to stand up and tell anyone. How many did he hurt that I could have prevented? I'll live with this guilt for the rest of my life. And with the fear that stops me from trusting anyone else.
He's gone and I'm still stuck.

 

[jehoram]

And yet, I've lived like this for so many years. I'm not sure if I can change. How do I let go of a fear that's ruled me for so long?

Easy answer: you don't, at least not right away. It's not like turning off a light. But that invites the hard answer: it is possible to work on it, through counseling, so that you can know when to ignore it. By and by, its power will break, and leave you free.

And I feel guilty. I let him get away with what he did to me and probably to others because I was too scared to stand up and tell anyone. How many did he hurt that I could have prevented? I'll live with this guilt for the rest of my life. And with the fear that stops me from trusting anyone else.
He's gone and I'm still stuck.

You don't have to take responsibility for what he did to others. That's on him. Don't live with that guilt, because you didn't earn it. If we all felt guilt over things we could have said or done and didn't, well, there wouldn't be a stadium big enough to hold us all. And you had to think of yourself first, and protect yourself. That's not wrong.

As for trusting people, I can't say "Don't be afraid." But I can say "Don't let fear rule you." You're a smarter person now, you have experience in what might lead you down a dark path, and you better able to size a person up before he ever gets to a place where he can hurt you. And remember that there are people out there whom you can trust, once they've earned that trust and shown that they deserve it. Give them that chance, as they gave you that chance.

 

[nayia]

I think jehoram's response is really good, and I think the Harry Potter quote in your signature might also guide you. You did not make him hurt anyone; that was his choice, his actions, and his responsibility alone. It is okay to be afraid; you've been through a lot! There's no rush for you to do anything you aren't ready for. Take your time, feel what you feel, and know that we are here to listen and to help.

 

[Noor]

Well, I don't know what to feel now. For years I've lived in fear of my ex finding me. I've lived alone, hiding from life, too afraid to step outside my safe zone.
Now I received word that he's gone. From my sister of all people. She called to let me know he had a heart attack and died. And wanted to know if I was going to go to his funeral. (Only if I can dance on his grave)
How am I to deal with this? In some ways I feel relieved. I don't have to look over my shoulder anymore. I can sleep without waking every time I hear a sound. I can breathe.
And yet, I've lived like this for so many years. I'm not sure if I can change. How do I let go of a fear that's ruled me for so long?
And I feel guilty. I let him get away with what he did to me and probably to others because I was too scared to stand up and tell anyone. How many did he hurt that I could have prevented? I'll live with this guilt for the rest of my life. And with the fear that stops me from trusting anyone else.
He's gone and I'm still stuck.

Kikki, It will take a bit of time, but slowly the fear will leave and you will return.

 

[HisArpy]

I'm not a therapist but I KNOW there are ways to overcome PTSD. I know this intimately.

Will it ever 'stop' or 'go away'? Probably not. Can you overcome it? Absolutely.

For me, it began with understanding what was happening. My mind was so traumatized that it began to try to prepare me for the inevitable 'shoe drop'. Whenever something good was happening, or even just relaxing and being comfortable in my skin, my psyche would suddenly insert this horrible thing into my consciousness. It was trying to wake me up to impending danger even though that danger didn't exist anymore. It's a learned mental response.

I began telling myself to stop it. I can say no to myself and mean it. It took less time each event to divert my thinking from the bad things to the good things I wanted to think about. I modeled this after researching some alternative therapies for PTSD because I'm not the type of person who can reveal myself to someone else beyond the surface.

The time between events has increased but it's still not any long duration like days or weeks. It's still a daily thing but not every 10 minutes or so like it was at the beginning. And, it's not regular. Just about anything can set me off for no recognizable connection between the event and reality. The difference is that now I don't turn into a wreck when it happens. Well, most of the time I don't.

You learn to deal with it and the aftermath. Mostly by saying; I will NOT EVER go gently into that good night, and surrounding yourself with people who love and care about you. People who will not try to control you because that's what started it in the first place.

Change your habits. Change your surroundings. Surround yourself with things that de-stress your mind. Think about changing your friends, or finding new ones if you don't have any. Always give yourself a way out. It's ok to just walk away from any situation where you're being stressed enough to have an event. ALWAYS!

I recommend to everyone to seek professional help if you need it. However, if you can't, you can still help yourself. You do not have to give in no matter how awful it feels.

Fight! Forever if you have to, but fight!

 

[nayia]

Everything HisArpy said here is pretty much what I worked on with a therapist. It also helps to know that you don't have to try so hard to be "all better" if you can make peace with being a different person now than before the abuse. Obviously we all deserve and can try to get a little better at a time, but it was very freeing for me to hear, from a professional, that it's okay not to feel happy and safe all of the time.

I'm not a therapist but I KNOW there are ways to overcome PTSD. I know this intimately.

Will it ever 'stop' or 'go away'? Probably not. Can you overcome it? Absolutely.

For me, it began with understanding what was happening. My mind was so traumatized that it began to try to prepare me for the inevitable 'shoe drop'. Whenever something good was happening, or even just relaxing and being comfortable in my skin, my psyche would suddenly insert this horrible thing into my consciousness. It was trying to wake me up to impending danger even though that danger didn't exist anymore. It's a learned mental response.

I began telling myself to stop it. I can say no to myself and mean it. It took less time each event to divert my thinking from the bad things to the good things I wanted to think about. I modeled this after researching some alternative therapies for PTSD because I'm not the type of person who can reveal myself to someone else beyond the surface.

The time between events has increased but it's still not any long duration like days or weeks. It's still a daily thing but not every 10 minutes or so like it was at the beginning. And, it's not regular. Just about anything can set me off for no recognizable connection between the event and reality. The difference is that now I don't turn into a wreck when it happens. Well, most of the time I don't.

You learn to deal with it and the aftermath. Mostly by saying; I will NOT EVER go gently into that good night, and surrounding yourself with people who love and care about you. People who will not try to control you because that's what started it in the first place.

Change your habits. Change your surroundings. Surround yourself with things that de-stress your mind. Think about changing your friends, or finding new ones if you don't have any. Always give yourself a way out. It's ok to just walk away from any situation where you're being stressed enough to have an event. ALWAYS!

I recommend to everyone to seek professional help if you need it. However, if you can't, you can still help yourself. You do not have to give in no matter how awful it feels.

Fight! Forever if you have to, but fight!

 

[Noor]

Gil

 

[tryn2Bgood]

There are a lot of pages to this thread so I haven't had a chance to read through all of them. But my heart is breaking over some of the stories I have read. It's very tricky giving advice on this subject because everyone's experience is different. The level of abuse, type of abuse, circumstances, support systems, emotional or psychological damage, aftereffects, etc...And each person has their own way of dealing with it. Everyone who has posted their own experience is very brave to share such personal things.

I will say that there are resources and support systems out there for people who have gone through or are still going through this. There are shelters and safe houses. Help hotlines. The police. Social workers. Chuches and other organizations. There are most likely local support groups close to where you are. Family or friends who genuinely care and want to help. Therapy and counseling can usually be accessed for free and is very helpful. Some people mentioned martial arts...that and self defence classes are also helpful in providing knowledge, helping you feel less vulnerable, as well as physical benefits.

Know that you are not alone. You are amoung many survivors and fighters. Nothing that happened was your fault. Being a victim doesn't mean you are weak. There is nothing to be ashamed of. And know that you are valuable as a person...strong enough, worth the effort, and capable of having the wonderful life you deserve.

For all those who are in a supporting role for someone dealing with abuse, the most important thing to do is simply be there when they need you. Love, understanding, a lot of patience, and a non-judgmental acceptance of their actions, feelings, and insecurities are instrumental in providing the comfort, security, and support they need in order to help themselves.

I wish everyone the best with thoughts and prayers for a brighter tomorrow for all. ❤

 

[nayia]

I know I am very lucky to have people who care about me, but sometimes they make it so safe that I feel like I am living in a padded cell. And I am still, as HisArpy said, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Lately I walk around all day with a feeling like I need to scream. Everything looks so peaceful and nice on the outside but it feels like my veins are full of fear and anxiety.

I just needed to vent... it's been four and a half years since I've been free of the abuser but it seems I am still not free from the effects of his actions.

 

[Bandit58]

I haven't been on Lit for a long time. R/L gets in the way I guess.

To anyone here who doesn't know: Gil passed away on the 3rd March last year. In the months before that his health deteriorated to the point where he could no longer walk. In January we were told it wasn't safe for us to continue dialysis at home so he had to go back to the hospital (using patient transport via ambulance).

He had several slow falls and developed internal bleeding from one of them which led to a stay in the High Dependency Unit. A pressure sore on his heel led to gangrene (poor circulation didn't help) and he contracted septicemia. He died peacefully at 10.32am. I was there at the end, as was his daughter.

In July last year I moved back to New Zealand to be closer to family. I have bought a house and am hopefully starting a job soon doing before and after school childcare. Gil is much loved and sadly missed but I have wonderful memories of the love we shared. Just reading back through the thread and others we used to post on has helped...smiles and a few tears as well.

Hope all is well with everyone and I will try to get back on soon - meanwhile as always my PM box will be open as from today

 

[silverwhisper]

i'm so sorry to learn of gil's passing, bandit. my deepest and most profound condolences.

please make sure that you are kind to yourself.

ed

 

[Wolf_Song]

My belated condolences on Gil's passing. (with condolence hugs and hugs for any going through rough times)

 

[cdstefi]

I see from various posts through LIT that so many people have been abused in their relationships HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realise life can and will be better ?


I STARTED THIS THREAD TO HELP ONE PERSON BUT SINCE THEN WE HAVE HAD MANY DROPPING IN TO BOTH RELATE THEIR EXPERIENCES & ADVICE, A KIND EAR, UNDERSTANDING & A SOFT PLACE TO LAND SO IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT NEED THIS THREAD PLEASE FEEL FREE TO JUMP IN.

It makes me ashamed to be a male at times.

You can't fix it, or a person. All you can do is be kind and hope it heals, but accept if there's a part that never does.

Damage is way too easy. Repair is nigh impossible.

 

[Britva415]

HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realise life can and will be better ?

Don't assume they don't already realise it.