How do you help someone get over being abused

[Don K Dyck]

Hi everyone
Just wanted to drop in to post a hello. Good to see that this thread is still going for those in need.

I was recently reminded of people's ignorance when it comes to abuse. A man who was interested in settling down with me has dropped off the radar. This was after I told him about my past, what happened to me, as well as my need to work on my issues. I would rather be emotionally healed than heading into a LT relationship with baggage. So Now I am kind of miffed and hurt by his reaction...to simply ignore me.

Anyway enough venting. Everyone take care.
XXOO BE26

heheheheh . . . he did you a big favour, Browneyes . . . better to break early when the ties are both fewer and less, than wait for years to be totally gut-wrenched.

I suggest that he has some undefined, unknown issues of his own, and may have been looking to resolve those rather than contribute to a lively relationship between equals.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Just stopping by to wish everyone a very HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

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Still awaiting surgery and taking pain pills every 4 hours to carry me through the day and night...somehow the pain I feel at times conjures up the pain of abuse I went through years ago and it just tears me apart and frustrates the hell out of me so much so that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, cry and just want the pain to end! If it were not for the wonderful IsleMaster whose love is unending I would either not be here today or I would be locked up in a rubber room with a straight-jacket. I consider myself lucky to have him in my life and I'm sure you feel the same way with your loverly lady BANDIT, my dear frend Gil. How lucky are we?

Didn't mean to sound off like that but I needed to get it off of my chest and mind. Maybe I'm going through pre-menopause????

 

[TigerClaw]

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[Gil_T2]

Just stopping by to wish everyone a very HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

========

Still awaiting surgery and taking pain pills every 4 hours to carry me through the day and night...somehow the pain I feel at times conjures up the pain of abuse I went through years ago and it just tears me apart and frustrates the hell out of me so much so that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, cry and just want the pain to end! If it were not for the wonderful IsleMaster whose love is unending I would either not be here today or I would be locked up in a rubber room with a straight-jacket. I consider myself lucky to have him in my life and I'm sure you feel the same way with your loverly lady BANDIT, my dear frend Gil. How lucky are we?

Didn't mean to sound off like that but I needed to get it off of my chest and mind. Maybe I'm going through pre-menopause????

Hey SD you & others are welcome to vent here anytime it's needed OK.

 

[Gil_T2]

I just dont have that skill. Ive learned painfully that I dont.

It ain't hard.

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMPING this thread back into eye sight just incase it's needed & if not all the better.

 

[Iriadne]

Well I didn't read the entire 69 pages of this but I did read the first 14 and the last one. It seems to me that a lot of people are talking about long term abuse, which I (thankfully) have never experienced. Short term abuse situations, i.e. rape and date rape, can have a lot of the same effects being described.
As someone who survived an acquaintance rape situation I can say that there are a lot of things that carry over from long term abuse into this short term abuse, especially the feeling that you are somehow responsible for what happened and the lingering psychoses about trust and trying again. For me, one of the most effective healings that I was able to do was journal out all the bad thoughts whenever they happened and then go back and look at them several days later in a comfortable environment and jot down in the margins or on paper inserted into the journal all the logical responses I could come up with to discredit the bad thoughts.
One aspect that I'm still working through in my first relationship since the attack is that some things - words, motions, actions - will set off a panic attack. These are things that I don't remember my attacker doing but that some part of my body is recognizing as a danger signal. The best way he has been able to help me is to recognize the signs of these panic attacks and comfort me through them. We try to make note of what set it off so that we can gradually desensitize me to it. Yes, it can kill the romantic mood but for us it is also an incredible relationship builder.
I don't think I will ever regain complete trust because I have found that there are things that my boyfriend does that no longer bother me that, if done by someone else still send me into panic mode.
I think the most important things in helping someone get over abuse are communication - as much or as little of it as they want to give at that point in time; gentleness; patience and most importantly acceptance of who they are. The abuse is a part of that person and as much as you may want to you can not take that away from them. You can show them that you love them even with the physical or emotional scars of this abuse, especially by helping them find ways to work around the things that they find especially terrifying or painful. Communication is key in this healing process.

 

[Gil_T2]

Well I didn't read the entire 69 pages of this but I did read the first 14 and the last one. It seems to me that a lot of people are talking about long term abuse, which I (thankfully) have never experienced. Short term abuse situations, i.e. rape and date rape, can have a lot of the same effects being described.
As someone who survived an acquaintance rape situation I can say that there are a lot of things that carry over from long term abuse into this short term abuse, especially the feeling that you are somehow responsible for what happened and the lingering psychoses about trust and trying again. For me, one of the most effective healings that I was able to do was journal out all the bad thoughts whenever they happened and then go back and look at them several days later in a comfortable environment and jot down in the margins or on paper inserted into the journal all the logical responses I could come up with to discredit the bad thoughts.
One aspect that I'm still working through in my first relationship since the attack is that some things - words, motions, actions - will set off a panic attack. These are things that I don't remember my attacker doing but that some part of my body is recognizing as a danger signal. The best way he has been able to help me is to recognize the signs of these panic attacks and comfort me through them. We try to make note of what set it off so that we can gradually desensitize me to it. Yes, it can kill the romantic mood but for us it is also an incredible relationship builder.
I don't think I will ever regain complete trust because I have found that there are things that my boyfriend does that no longer bother me that, if done by someone else still send me into panic mode.
I think the most important things in helping someone get over abuse are communication - as much or as little of it as they want to give at that point in time; gentleness; patience and most importantly acceptance of who they are. The abuse is a part of that person and as much as you may want to you can not take that away from them. You can show them that you love them even with the physical or emotional scars of this abuse, especially by helping them find ways to work around the things that they find especially terrifying or painful. Communication is key in this healing process.

Hi IRIADNE you do make a lot of good points in letting us know how you have dealt with your abuse (yes it was abuse even though it was a date rape).I did think that the way your introduced the B/F to your post funny as to the point of refering to HE but it is clear what you were getting at.
I don't think anyone ever totally gets over their particular abuse be it a one off or a long drawn out one & all seem to find hidden triggers that bring the memories flooding back but with care, love & honesty it all can be lessened, I say honesty because the partner of an abuse victim needs to also talk about how it affects them too.

PLEASE feel free to drop in any time & hope we can help or just be here if needed.

 

[TigerClaw]

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[Don K Dyck]

Re: Re: Re: How do you help someone get over being abused

To be honest I really would not do it again. When you lay out all that trust to get burned it just is not worth it.

In the world there are choices . . . the ones that you make and the ones that you regret . . . experiencing life is one of those choices . . . there will be fun times, and other times of pain . . . the winners are always the ones who get up . . . and get going . . . the richer for their experience . . . the wiser for their living and knowing that there is nothing ih the world that they cannot overcome . . . provided they believe in themselves and their ability to enjoy life . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: How do you help someone get over being abused

To be honest I really would not do it again. When you lay out all that trust to get burned it just is not worth it.

Helping someone in need is never a waste or time even if in the end it has no benifit for you it is for them after all & for all who come here for help or to just vent about what they had to endure & to cope with fears.

 

[Quoll]

Too busy to BUMP Gil?
Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink
















may have blown my cover as a major lurker

 

[Gil_T2]

Too busy to BUMP Gil?
Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink









may have blown my cover as a major lurker

Hi QUOLL & thanks for moving this thread back up so it can be seen & great to see you not lurking.

 

[Quoll]

bump

 

[Gil_T2]

bump

The great thing about needing to bump the thread is it's not being needed but will bump just incase anyway.

Thanks QUOLL

 

[Orlanth]

I myself have been sexual abused and raped by another man for the lasat 2 and a half years.

I'm at the hard part of condiring legel action.

 

[Gil_T2]

I myself have been sexual abused and raped by another man for the lasat 2 and a half years.

I'm at the hard part of condiring legel action.

ORLANTH seeing we have met in R/L I now wish you had talked to us at the G&G as you will notice that a lot of your LIT friends are here & know a little about how you are feeling because we have had our own experiences, we do concider you a friend so please PM any of us anytime you want or need, we are here for you.

 

[Don K Dyck]

I myself have been sexual abused and raped by another man for the lasat 2 and a half years.

I'm at the hard part of condiring legel action.

Hi Orlanth, Congratulations on deciding to take charge of your life.

Sexual abuse and rape should never be tolerated anywhere or for any reason.

If you want to proceed with this matter PM me or talk to Gil.

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ABUSE . . . EVER!!

 

[Orlanth]

I put up with it not only becuse I had to given my situation, but it was also mental. He made it feel perfectly fine. Untill I found out there was and still are other victoms.

My family and I wont go with legel action, as to protect me. But there is ways to stop him which I am going to do.

 

[Gil_T2]

I put up with it not only becuse I had to given my situation, but it was also mental. He made it feel perfectly fine. Untill I found out there was and still are other victoms.

My family and I wont go with legel action, as to protect me. But there is ways to stop him which I am going to do.

ORLANTH you don't have to justify his actions at all as he is just lower than pond scum, as for legal action this is totally your decision to make but would suggest you talk it over with DON as he knows legal stuff better than any of us here & he is likely to be doing it to others if not prosecuted & hopefully jailed where the inmates will show him how to be the victim for a change so he sees how you & the others he has abused feel, admitting you have been abuse is hard for anyone & the courts is harder but the best way to rid him from society, do you know any of his other victim? if so a groupe action to lessen the ppl knowing the individuals abused, these are just thoughts as I re read your post.

Stay strong & know your many friends are in support of you.

 

[Don K Dyck]

I put up with it not only becuse I had to given my situation, but it was also mental. He made it feel perfectly fine. Untill I found out there was and still are other victoms.

My family and I wont go with legel action, as to protect me. But there is ways to stop him which I am going to do.

Hi Orlanth, "I found out there was and still are other victoms" is precisely the reason why you should prosecute. These scumbags don't stop for a slap on the wrist with a wet tram ticket.

"Protecting you" is NOT achieved by saying "Naughty boy, please don't do it again to me . . . or anybody else . . . promise? cross your heart??"

"But there is ways to stop him which I am going to do" sounds like vigilante stuff. Wake up Orlanth!! THAT will only get you into the strife that HE should be facing.

If you would like to bounce some ideas around or whatever, just PM me.

Don

 

[Orlanth]

Hi Orlanth, "I found out there was and still are other victoms" is precisely the reason why you should prosecute. These scumbags don't stop for a slap on the wrist with a wet tram ticket.

"Protecting you" is NOT achieved by saying "Naughty boy, please don't do it again to me . . . or anybody else . . . promise? cross your heart??"

"But there is ways to stop him which I am going to do" sounds like vigilante stuff. Wake up Orlanth!! THAT will only get you into the strife that HE should be facing.

If you would like to bounce some ideas around or whatever, just PM me.

Don

Don, I don't mean go out and kill him or what not. I mean there is other legal ways to destroy his life, have you heard of '"Rights in Action"?

Gil, as you know I am in a wheelchair, and this man is a support-worker looking after the disabled. His victoms are pshicaly and/or mentaly disabled. Therefore getting them to help me is almost impossiable... But Rights in Action will chew the fuck out of this man.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Orlanth
Don, I don't mean go out and kill him or what not. I mean there is other legal ways to destroy his life, have you heard of '"Rights in Action"?

Gil, as you know I am in a wheelchair, and this man is a support-worker looking after the disabled. His victoms are pshicaly and/or mentaly disabled. Therefore getting them to help me is almost impossiable... But Rights in Action will chew the fuck out of this man.

I've read some of your posts and hopefully Rights in Action will do more than chew his ass off and legally nail him. People like that should not be support-workers for the disabled! I do believe "what goes around comes around"; although it may take some time to take care of these kind of ppl legally it will be worth the wait. My ex was thrown out of a police program here that cited ppl for illegally parking and using handicap stalls due to his assinine abusive attitude and actions and from what I hear he is now being sent to counseling and is blacklisted from volunteer work that deals with one on one contact with the public.

Is there a way for the Rights of Action to have this scum bag thrown out and banned from being a support worker? Hope things start rolling and get better.

 

[SoundLover]

I saw this while browsing at babeland.com today, I think it might help some people here

Healing Sex

peace and good luck
SL

 

[Gil_T2]

I've read some of your posts and hopefully Rights in Action will do more than chew his ass off and legally nail him. People like that should not be support-workers for the disabled! I do believe "what goes around comes around"; although it may take some time to take care of these kind of ppl legally it will be worth the wait. My ex was thrown out of a police program here that cited ppl for illegally parking and using handicap stalls due to his assinine abusive attitude and actions and from what I hear he is now being sent to counseling and is blacklisted from volunteer work that deals with one on one contact with the public.

Is there a way for the Rights of Action to have this scum bag thrown out and banned from being a support worker? Hope things start rolling and get better.

This has really angered me beong the anger I feel hearing most of the posts on this thread about ppl being abused as I & others from the AUSSIE thread have met ORLANTH last year at our yearly LIT meeting here in Sydney so it is not only a LIT friend but much more, my hope is that the RIGHTS IN ACTION group can seek out other victims of this mans abuse so that he is jailed as well as put on the abusers list to be distributed so he can never be in a position of trust again.

ORLANTH you must notify the ppl who placed him as your carer so he is at least prevented for visiting ANY of the clients he has been seeing or any new ones. I've done a little searching with help to find out how this might pan out & in NSW it would be possible to hit him with BREACH OF DUTY OF CARE for a start getting him blacklisted from ever being a carer again so protecting not only you but anyone else he has or could abuse, even if he claims consent of patient this shouldn't be even considered as a plea.

ORLANTH you are the victim & he is the preditor who parys on the disabled, you are guit free regardless of anything he or anyone else says.PLEASE keep us in the picture with what is happening either by post or PM, your friends are here to support you so don't worry about contacting any of us you need.