How to deal...?

[nh23]

I know this won't be a popular statement but I don't believe in unconditional love. I don't see it as obtainable or even something we should wish for. I see as co-dependent.

*shrug*

That being said, I think I'm come pretty damned close to being both co-dependent and someone who loves unconditionally but I'm working on being healthier.

Not unpopular with me. I'm thinking about this in a kink sort of way. Like if someone left me because of my kinks. Which the whole thread was about his panties. Like I said I have my own kinks people judge me for. If my husband wanted to wear my panties, even though it's not really my thing, hell I'd pick out a nice pair for him.

 

[FurryFury]

Not unpopular with me. I'm thinking about this in a kink sort of way. Like if someone left me because of my kinks. Which the whole thread was about his panties. Like I said I have my own kinks people judge me for. If my husband wanted to wear my panties, even though it's not really my thing, hell I'd pick out a nice pair for him.

I totally understand that.

 

[PublicAffection]

Thank you all for your posts on this. I don't equate murder & child molestation to wearing women's clothes - but nothing has to be that extreme to be something that a person doesn't desire to have as a part of their relationship.

I love my fiancee very much. My feelings on this subject matter come from feeling blindsided with something that I wasn't expecting or looking for as a part of our relationship, my own issues from past negative experiences, and the fact that I wasn't given the time I needed to really become ok with this fetish before he dove in and started purchasing all manner of items.

If this had been brought up on our second date, then I would have been apt to just turn to the waiter and say, "Check, please?" But this isn't our second date - it's six months before our wedding. We have lived together for two years. We have pets together. We bought a house together. We've supported eachother through job changes, family deaths, crazy family holidays, crazy family. I am emotionally vested in our relationship and this isn't something that I am leaving him over (and honestly that isn't something that even crossed my mind until he brought up that he wanted to know if this was a deal-breaker).

This thread wasn't started with the question of, "Do I leave or stay?" It was started with the question of, "How do I deal with my emotions and move past my fears?" It has been overall a very positive thing for me to have started, has given me time to discuss how I feel and receive the feedback that I needed, and has opened a great diologue with my fiancee. So again, thank you all

 

[catalina_francisco]

Haha..great minds and all. I was waiting on well what if you found out he was molesting children. That is not even anywhere near the same thing. What bugs me about saying that. I love my husband to death. I know he loves me. I can't imagine how crushed I would be if he said I can't accept your kinks. I still love you but I can't be your husband. Kinks or not I'm still the same person. It just boggles my mind.

I can see what you mean, and I have no issue with it personally, but how many times do we say here that our kink is one of those parts of who we are, what makes us who we are? In that context couldn't it be said that for someone to discover at a later date that their partner had kinks they couldn't accept/share/understand, that the partner was not who the SO always thought they had been, who they portrayed themselves to be, and thus be justified in saying they needed to leave the relationship? Wouldn't it be the same as being married to someone who had always been kind and considerate etc., to find one day they had changed and were now abusive and self centered and they told you it was the real them they had been trying to hide until now...or you found they were still kind etc., but they also had 2 other marriages going at the same time as yours? For many, they would no longer be the person you thought they were and perhaps someone you felt you no longer could be with.

Catalina

 

[Badger82]

Wow

ive read and reread the thread and i tip my hat to every single post here it amazes me that so many people can thick out side the box.

my inital reaction to the first post was that PublicAffection was hinting the long way that she just wanted people to say there feelings of views on the subject with the unconcious hope that what people here will show her a new way to view the porblem and a new way of analising her emotions.

it must of been a gigantic shock for her when she was told of his kink but her inner child has over ridden her fear with the reminder of why she fell in love with him. i can only wish you luck that what has been said and what will be said will alow you to see out side the box and maybe open you eyes to that feeling or thougt you just couldent understand enough to put into words. give your selfs time to think talk explore and ask others feelings on what they thought if they have been through something similar and in the end become an even stronger couple for it.

 

[Rosie_Riveter]

Thank you all for your posts on this. I don't equate murder & child molestation to wearing women's clothes - but nothing has to be that extreme to be something that a person doesn't desire to have as a part of their relationship.

I love my fiancee very much. My feelings on this subject matter come from feeling blindsided with something that I wasn't expecting or looking for as a part of our relationship, my own issues from past negative experiences, and the fact that I wasn't given the time I needed to really become ok with this fetish before he dove in and started purchasing all manner of items.

If this had been brought up on our second date, then I would have been apt to just turn to the waiter and say, "Check, please?" But this isn't our second date - it's six months before our wedding. We have lived together for two years. We have pets together. We bought a house together. We've supported eachother through job changes, family deaths, crazy family holidays, crazy family. I am emotionally vested in our relationship and this isn't something that I am leaving him over (and honestly that isn't something that even crossed my mind until he brought up that he wanted to know if this was a deal-breaker).

This thread wasn't started with the question of, "Do I leave or stay?" It was started with the question of, "How do I deal with my emotions and move past my fears?" It has been overall a very positive thing for me to have started, has given me time to discuss how I feel and receive the feedback that I needed, and has opened a great diologue with my fiancee. So again, thank you all

As you will have gathered, you tend to get the bad with the good when you put yourself out there on this board. Sometimes it's all about us.

I think I may have done the equivalent of rushing out to buy the panties with my husband--paddles can be had on ebay!--but we continue to talk and talk and talk and play, and he won't necessarily ever get to where I am anymore than you will with your guy, but it's just another part of two complex people making a lovely complex life together.

He's still the guy he's always been, just as I'm still the woman my husband's always known---just takes some getting used to.

 

[Netzach]

I can see what you mean, and I have no issue with it personally, but how many times do we say here that our kink is one of those parts of who we are, what makes us who we are? In that context couldn't it be said that for someone to discover at a later date that their partner had kinks they couldn't accept/share/understand, that the partner was not who the SO always thought they had been, who they portrayed themselves to be, and thus be justified in saying they needed to leave the relationship? Wouldn't it be the same as being married to someone who had always been kind and considerate etc., to find one day they had changed and were now abusive and self centered and they told you it was the real them they had been trying to hide until now...or you found they were still kind etc., but they also had 2 other marriages going at the same time as yours? For many, they would no longer be the person you thought they were and perhaps someone you felt you no longer could be with.

Catalina

I think a more appropriate analogy was "let me show you this mole on my ass" or "I have had cancer, it may not always be in remission."

They're more neutral things you can't really do anything about, kinks.

And if anyone thinks they can get to a detente in which someone else's kink is *reined in* "I won't do it anymore..."

that's about as successful as straight/gay conversion.
Anyone *can* leave anyone at any time and for any reason - who's acting like she "can't leave?" People are talking about what's needed for someone to stay in an inter-kinkical relationship. (ha) -- which is the ability to do whatever it takes so the other person isn't in a constant state of guilt and making you a martyr.

THAT is a recipie for them basically deciding you don't need to be in the communication loop and starting a double life.

This common relational problem is a two way street thing. I've seen it and its fallout. If you think it's not disgusting, you had better back up those words with some actions. "It's OK, but I never want to see it, I'd rather you didn't --" those kinds of rules do NOT send the "it's OK" message at all.

If you can't handle this without rules and prohibitions on every aspect of it (and I don't think the OP has gotten to that point, it's just a bit of advice) then, true, you have no business trying to handle it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think a more appropriate analogy was "let me show you this mole on my ass" or "I have had cancer, it may not always be in remission."

They're more neutral things you can't really do anything about, kinks.

And if anyone thinks they can get to a detente in which someone else's kink is *reined in* "I won't do it anymore..."

that's about as successful as straight/gay conversion.
Anyone *can* leave anyone at any time and for any reason - who's acting like she "can't leave?" People are talking about what's needed for someone to stay in an inter-kinkical relationship. (ha) -- which is the ability to do whatever it takes so the other person isn't in a constant state of guilt and making you a martyr.

THAT is a recipie for them basically deciding you don't need to be in the communication loop and starting a double life.

This common relational problem is a two way street thing. I've seen it and its fallout. If you think it's not disgusting, you had better back up those words with some actions. "It's OK, but I never want to see it, I'd rather you didn't --" those kinds of rules do NOT send the "it's OK" message at all.

If you can't handle this without rules and prohibitions on every aspect of it (and I don't think the OP has gotten to that point, it's just a bit of advice) then, true, you have no business trying to handle it.

Blame the bad analogy to being ill and half asleep, but my basic point was that for some of us, the kink part of us is a big part of who we are and so can alter who we appear to be to a loved one who has been in the position of seeing us seemingly without the kink, and then finding out it is an important part of who we are. I am not for people remaining and playing the martyr card, hence I think if someone feels it doesn't count as significant in determining the future of the relationship they may be discounting the importance to both people in the first place. IMO, most people will find a way of working with it given the chance and understanding, but there are also some who will not and they are just as entitled to their feelings and decisions in the interests of happiness all round.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

I think a more appropriate analogy was "let me show you this mole on my ass" or "I have had cancer, it may not always be in remission."

They're more neutral things you can't really do anything about, kinks.

And if anyone thinks they can get to a detente in which someone else's kink is *reined in* "I won't do it anymore..."

that's about as successful as straight/gay conversion.
Anyone *can* leave anyone at any time and for any reason - who's acting like she "can't leave?" People are talking about what's needed for someone to stay in an inter-kinkical relationship. (ha) -- which is the ability to do whatever it takes so the other person isn't in a constant state of guilt and making you a martyr.

THAT is a recipie for them basically deciding you don't need to be in the communication loop and starting a double life.

This common relational problem is a two way street thing. I've seen it and its fallout. If you think it's not disgusting, you had better back up those words with some actions. "It's OK, but I never want to see it, I'd rather you didn't --" those kinds of rules do NOT send the "it's OK" message at all.

If you can't handle this without rules and prohibitions on every aspect of it (and I don't think the OP has gotten to that point, it's just a bit of advice) then, true, you have no business trying to handle it.

Thank you, Netz. This is more or less what I was trying to point out in my earlier posts.