How To Find the Right Man?

[subwannabe]

Sorry about the ecliptic pagan thing. I'm glad that's not you. I think it is a terrific move in your life if you get that job and move to the big city. Losing weight will help. I've actually been married twice - both times to women who were some overweight but still looked nice. I really don't think that would discourage the kind of man you are looking for unless you are actually in the "obese" category. I think you are a quality person and you don't want someone so shallow they can't look beyond some extra pounds. I definetly know what it is like to be out of place. I moved from the North to the South and found myself listening to people talking funny and in the deep seated religion of basketball. They eat, think, drink, sleep, and everything else basketball, including most all women and senior citizens. I don't even like the sport. I have a hard time meeting and being with friends of my own gender here due to that. I remember once when I watched a great Monday Night Football game and the next day a guy asked me If I saw that great game last night. I was all psyched to have a conversation until he started talking about the basketball game and all I could think was, "Geez". Good luck. Get a job in that bigger town and stay on offense.

 

[ivantheterrible]

for you Ivan!

thank you so much veronica.
i am still dealing with the pain of "wolfgirl". she is so fucked up, but just sitting and listening to her made me see just how fucked up men are generally.
since the word has gotten out that i am separated and soon to be divorced i have had a lot of women show interest in me. i know for a fact i could take advantage of this and use them for just a night of fun, but i can't do that to anyone. even if that is what they wanted. i won't go there. i am now at the point that if my heart isn't in it, i can't do anything. and i won't. but because all of them have been honest with me about how they feel, i smile, and i give them a hug. i believe it helps everyone all around heal a little inside.
ever listen to metallica's new song, "unforgiven 3"? it fits so well with myself right now.
yesterday i found a ring i hadn't seen in ages. silver with celtic knotwork. i heated it in a fire till it glowed red. and i placed it on my left inner forearm. i wear my scars on the outside , as well as inside of me. i would have gotten a tattoo instead, but finances are hard right now. and i now wear that ring on a string around my neck. for her, and a scar.
i know i may never see her again. but in her own way she told me she felt the same for me as i feel for her.
it will be awhile before i will be able to feel for another woman as i feel for her. but i will have nothing but kindness and respect for all women, all people.
wolfgirl taught me alot. thank you.

 

[ChainedEros]

I'm convinced there's no such thing as the "right man" or "right woman".

 

[ivantheterrible]

and i feel sorry for you. they do exist. somewhere. maybe not in this lifetime. maybe not even in the next one.
if not, then all there is is friends who fuck, even if they are married.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I wish you well in your quest, and just keep in mind that you're among friends here, should you ever need the outlet.

NippleMuncher I just had to tell you how much I love your AV, it is just perfect!!!

Thanks, it does suit me, doesn't it?

 

[Miss_May]

I'm convinced there's no such thing as the "right man" or "right woman".

That's coz u r chained, Eros... once u r free n start shooting again, there will be "right man" n "right woman" again.

 

[VeronicaSexie]

Everytime I meet a new guy, as in last night, I am amazed at what jerks they can be. Unbelievable. Trying not to give up hope still. I may have to rethink the whole bisexual idea! So sad, but true. Is there anyway to screen out the bad apples?

 

[deecee53]

Keep swinging !!!!!!!!!!!!!! You'll knock 1 out of the park soon !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[subwannabe]

I think it is important to weed out the bad apples BEFORE going out on a date with them. Dating just to date is a waste of time. Use whatever method you can to find out what the person is like before going out the first time. Talk on the phone. I personally think emailing or writing is the best. It is easy to spot the idiots, the jerks, the illiterate and the just plain weirdos. Give it time. It's better to not have any dates at all for six months and go out with a real possibility than it is just to date someone different every other week or every month.

 

[Sleazy19]

Probably the main issue, is that I am on the heavy set side, but I am well put together. Only my doctor knows my weight. My sister won't even tell me what she weighs! LOL. And she has lost 60 lbs. I have lost 20 lbs in a month and do foresee that I will be getting the weight off, which I guarantee, I will get tons of dates then. I have even had men tell me that. So shallow! A beautiful skinny woman can be a mega bitch to live with, so you get what you ask for in that case.

You are perceptive that I am misplaced, I am not from here, nor do I like it. I do like the next town over which is much larger and am planning to move there when I hopefully get this job there. This town has a lot of "redneck, pick up truck driving, tobacco chewing types" To each his own.

I think once I get the weight off I think my problem might improve, and I cannot wait if I ever get the opportunity to tell off guys who previously turned me away, etc.

I also think it is incredibly shallow for someone to tell you that. I've had people tell me that too, especially relatives and acquaintances. Those words have hurt me. They have made me believe that in this world, you have to be beautiful in order to be liked by others. I simply refuse to accept that. Where I live most women are slender and have great bodies. So women feel even more pressure to lose weight. I am not extremely overweight but I do have a few extra pounds. Still, men often flirt with me.

I tend to be very insecure and I'm still working on my confidence. I know I shouldn't let my weight issue affect me but it still does a little. Maybe it's cause I'm still single. LOL


I feel that all women are beautiful no matter what size they are. You might have heard these words a hundred times before and agree with them, but you have to actually believe them. In other words, confidence is the key. I see a lot of women who are voluptuous and have no problem finding men. I think it is because they are confident and they FEEL beautiful. If you feel you are overweight and ugly, that's they way you are perceived by others.

As for your original question, love comes when it's supposed to come. The right one will come along when you least expect it. They only thing I can suggest for you to do is trying to make new friends as much as you can.

Best of luck to you.

S

 

[VeronicaSexie]

Hi Miss S

Thanks for the nice reply. Somewhere online, I read an interpretation of what "women" put on dating sites as their size. Since you mentioned Voluptuous, they put Voluptuous = Really, really fat and disgusting. I am sure that a guy had to write that list. And a guy can have a nasty beer gut and call women fat chicks. Such a double standard it is!

Not to mention the other double standards that exist. I met a guy out the other night and we had a great time. After the great time, he disappeared...even gave me a fake name? He did give me a phone number which I do not thing is him. I did really like him, but now I feel like a piece of shit that he stepped on. Ouch!

I need a "bullshit" detector when I meet a guy! Every time I meet one, I just end up getting hurt. I don't know the answer. Since being a lesbian is not an option, I guess I will just have to stop being so gullible and lay low.

 

[phoenix1105]

Hey VeronicaSexie, I am obviously new to te board, but from your posts you seem like a really sweet, caring person. As stated by others here, a lot of guys are shallow assholes that are hung up on the outside of a person, when it is the inside that really matters. My two relationships have both been with older women. My first was -me 26 her 32, and the other was -me 27 her 34-. I didnt go into either relationship thinking it would be anything more than friends, but both turned into something more.

As far as you looking for someone when you lose weight or change things about yourself, be careful not to change the things on the inside that make you unique and special. Good Luck!

 

[subwannabe]

I have to second that. Don't start going out with the asshole shallow jerks just because they actually start asking you out.

 

[Noor]

Thanks for the nice reply. Somewhere online, I read an interpretation of what "women" put on dating sites as their size. Since you mentioned Voluptuous, they put Voluptuous = Really, really fat and disgusting. I am sure that a guy had to write that list. And a guy can have a nasty beer gut and call women fat chicks. Such a double standard it is!

Not to mention the other double standards that exist. I met a guy out the other night and we had a great time. After the great time, he disappeared...even gave me a fake name? He did give me a phone number which I do not thing is him. I did really like him, but now I feel like a piece of shit that he stepped on. Ouch!

I need a "bullshit" detector when I meet a guy! Every time I meet one, I just end up getting hurt. I don't know the answer. Since being a lesbian is not an option, I guess I will just have to stop being so gullible and lay low.

I am a well nourished woman, if I meet a nice guy when I am out I spend a little time with him and get his number. Then I go home and check it out, call him on it a few days later. i have also been known to want to see license pics and passports photos. If a guy is being straight and is into you, he will have no problem with it.

As far as being skinny to attract guys, do you really want a guy like that? We never know what will happen in life and people have a lot less control over their bodies appearance as life goes on, do you want someone who stops wanting you if you gain weight?

I am quite gullible and I take people literally, so I try to set up situations where that doesn't matter, with checks and balances.

 

[VeronicaSexie]

Hi

Thanks Noor,

I should be more investigative with the guys I meet. I just had an "internet" date the other night. He seemed more gentlemanly and sincere than any I have met in a long time. I did not have sex with him, but we did do some fooling around. Low and behold he has not called me after promising to so sincerely, in 2 days!

Why am I surprised? I keep going over in my mind what I could have said or done wrong, but he is no perfect angel himself. With my very short experience with women, at least they called. I just don't get it. I am a very sexual person and it is killing me that any guy I meet that I feel attracted to, just seems to reject me. I obviously do not understand men at all. Never will. Why bother saying you will call if you have no intention of doing so???

You are right, I do not need someone that is so shallow that a few pounds one way or another is going to change how they feel about me. I get so angry that I just want to tell them all to fuck off. Self rightous SOB's!!! I will probably email him and cuss him out.

I think I am just very unlucky in love.

Veronica

 

[Noor]

Thanks Noor,

I should be more investigative with the guys I meet. I just had an "internet" date the other night. He seemed more gentlemanly and sincere than any I have met in a long time. I did not have sex with him, but we did do some fooling around. Low and behold he has not called me after promising to so sincerely, in 2 days!

Why am I surprised? I keep going over in my mind what I could have said or done wrong, but he is no perfect angel himself. With my very short experience with women, at least they called. I just don't get it. I am a very sexual person and it is killing me that any guy I meet that I feel attracted to, just seems to reject me. I obviously do not understand men at all. Never will. Why bother saying you will call if you have no intention of doing so???

You are right, I do not need someone that is so shallow that a few pounds one way or another is going to change how they feel about me. I get so angry that I just want to tell them all to fuck off. Self rightous SOB's!!! I will probably email him and cuss him out.

I think I am just very unlucky in love.

Veronica

Time for guys doesn't seem terribly linear at times, 2 days in guy time can be like a minute, or forever. I think they believe when they say it.
Find guys who love women, all women. The other thing is don't just find a man, find men, spread your attention out, get to know a bunch at once.
If they don't call, call them? One of the best relationships I ever had was a man I called when he didn't call me. Turned out he was just scared, I can be scary at times ;-) We are still friends now, would have probably married had it been another time and place...

 

[Wings27]

Veronica I wish you the best of luck in your search, but don't ever forget, YOU are first. Love yourself, even your extra pounds as you say it. Be who you are and you'll find that person. There is nothing wrong with actively looking, but you have to stop sleeping with them on the first date. You have to be picky! Be the one they chase after a bit. If you're too wide open then men tend to get scared. They don't want the whole book, they want to be able to peek in on some chapters.

Concentrate on loving you, tell yourself you're not going to go on a date for a month. Keep looking on your sites, when men approach you, let them know that you feel overwhelmed by the response and you need a little time to breathe, you suddenly become the unattainable! Having said that, you actually need to take time to breathe.

All of this work you're doing to lose weight, do you really want to? Are you doing this because some jackhole told you you were too chubby? Or are you trying to feel better? I'm no where near skinny but I actually love me. It took a while to love my body after kids. But you do have to love yourself first. Do you have hobbies? Things to talk about when you have dates with men? Are you interesting? Do you have stories to tell? Find yourself first, stop trying to be the ideal for one shallow man.

 

[VeronicaSexie]

Time for guys doesn't seem terribly linear at times, 2 days in guy time can be like a minute, or forever. I think they believe when they say it.
Find guys who love women, all women. The other thing is don't just find a man, find men, spread your attention out, get to know a bunch at once.
If they don't call, call them? One of the best relationships I ever had was a man I called when he didn't call me. Turned out he was just scared, I can be scary at times ;-) We are still friends now, would have probably married had it been another time and place...

Yes, I believe that guys have weird ideas about calling. They think they should not act too interested, they talk about women playing games! ha ha ha. I have only been straight up with him.

The only thing about calling is I am not going to make him think I am desperate, even though I feel that way sometimes. I am a mess right now anyway, and need to get myself less depressed, employed and more confident. I wish to hell I did not even care if I meet anyone and could be happy without someone. Although I do not think people should be alone.

By the way, poster above, I DID not sleep with him, amazingly after all that alcohol. I sure wanted to. Who knows what the problem is. He may call one day, who knows.

I still don't understand where guys get off being so damn self righteous!!

Thanks Noor, I agree totally with you about the whole thing. Surrounding myself with lots of guys sounds like fun, it might be quite a challenge unless I just want to date a bunch from my dating site.

This has been an ongoing problem for me, I guess the one that is the same factor in the whole thing is me, so I must be the problem.

Take care!

 

[Noor]

Yes, I believe that guys have weird ideas about calling. They think they should not act too interested, they talk about women playing games! ha ha ha. I have only been straight up with him.

The only thing about calling is I am not going to make him think I am desperate, even though I feel that way sometimes. I am a mess right now anyway, and need to get myself less depressed, employed and more confident. I wish to hell I did not even care if I meet anyone and could be happy without someone. Although I do not think people should be alone.

By the way, poster above, I DID not sleep with him, amazingly after all that alcohol. I sure wanted to. Who knows what the problem is. He may call one day, who knows.

I still don't understand where guys get off being so damn self righteous!!

Thanks Noor, I agree totally with you about the whole thing. Surrounding myself with lots of guys sounds like fun, it might be quite a challenge unless I just want to date a bunch from my dating site.

This has been an ongoing problem for me, I guess the one that is the same factor in the whole thing is me, so I must be the problem.

Take care!

About calling-if he likes you he will think "wow, she must really like me" when you call, and if he doesn't like you who cares what he thinks? This bit about making yourself look desperate sounds like something a person more interested in what people think than the person or what I frequently hear from college guys about the infatuation of the moment.

You maybe the problem in that your attitude maybe holding you back, or you may not be making the best choices. Otherwise, you are fine just the way you are.

Regarding dating sites, there are TONS of guys to choose from on them. Be totally honest, write a good ad that specs how what you want. Don't worry how it looks. If you are in transition just tell them, decent guys don't expect perfection because they know that no one is perfect.

Tell everyone you know that you are looking to date some new people. Try to make friends with whomever you meet, look at it as a chance to get more friends. Remember even guys who don't work out, have friends and relatives that could be perfect, try to let new people see enough of who you are so they can think who you might be good with. If you meet jerks, use your mad money and take off. Don't give guys your number, get theirs. Then you can call them, lose their number, whatever. Give them an email address or im to reach you on.

 

[Noor]

Veronica I wish you the best of luck in your search, but don't ever forget, YOU are first. Love yourself, even your extra pounds as you say it. Be who you are and you'll find that person. There is nothing wrong with actively looking, but you have to stop sleeping with them on the first date. You have to be picky! Be the one they chase after a bit. If you're too wide open then men tend to get scared. They don't want the whole book, they want to be able to peek in on some chapters.

Concentrate on loving you, tell yourself you're not going to go on a date for a month. Keep looking on your sites, when men approach you, let them know that you feel overwhelmed by the response and you need a little time to breathe, you suddenly become the unattainable! Having said that, you actually need to take time to breathe.

All of this work you're doing to lose weight, do you really want to? Are you doing this because some jackhole told you you were too chubby? Or are you trying to feel better? I'm no where near skinny but I actually love me. It took a while to love my body after kids. But you do have to love yourself first. Do you have hobbies? Things to talk about when you have dates with men? Are you interesting? Do you have stories to tell? Find yourself first, stop trying to be the ideal for one shallow man.

Hi Wings!

I see nothing wrong with her sleeping her way through the local Plentyoffish.com if she wants, it might raise her self esteem, but it is like trying on pairs of jeans, most won't fit. Losing weight seems kind of dumb in general, and very superficial. Being a woman of substance has its advantages too, its a nice acid test for superfical men, no one has thrown me up in the air or "playfully" held me over their heads in years. Also I have a bit more weight to throw into doing things like tackling my lovers or defending myself if need be.

I would say improving ones physical condition for oneself is the way to go. I like walking, pilates reformer and belly dance. Belly dance is nice because its very female body centric and being super skinny is not an asset It also helps a lot with flexibility, esp hips, and can have interesting sexual advantages.

 

[Wings27]

Hi Wings!

I see nothing wrong with her sleeping her way through the local Plentyoffish.com if she wants, it might raise her self esteem, but it is like trying on pairs of jeans, most won't fit. Losing weight seems kind of dumb in general, and very superficial. Being a woman of substance has its advantages too, its a nice acid test for superfical men, no one has thrown me up in the air or "playfully" held me over their heads in years. Also I have a bit more weight to throw into doing things like tackling my lovers or defending myself if need be.

I would say improving ones physical condition for oneself is the way to go. I like walking, pilates reformer and belly dance. Belly dance is nice because its very female body centric and being super skinny is not an asset It also helps a lot with flexibility, esp hips, and can have interesting sexual advantages.

Hi Noor

Yes, as you know I'm a Belly Dancing fanatic, and a teacher and a member of one of the best troupes around. Being fit is fantastic! Just doing what makes you feel good though, not killing yourself for someone else's ideal. (As for the hips and the flexibility, needless to say it's a HUGE plus!!!)

I tried sleeping my way through as many people as I could and I find that I just feel worse about myself, so my advice actually comes from expirience. It took some hard knocks to figure out that sleeping with every Tom, Dick, and Harry that told me I was cute and attractive, wasn't going to make me feel better.

And Veronica, I get the feeling that it's not you at all that's the problem, it's the guys you're seeing. I guess my best advice is to not give up hope, just assume that he's out there and you're going to have to kiss some frogs...

 

[UCJ]

Great Advice

As a long time Lit-lurker but infrequent poster I just wanted to say how refreshing it is to read such thoughtful and helpful commentary. I was just grumbling about the fact that the Christmas spirit didn't linger (out shopping w/the masses) when I stumbled along this thread. You guys all gave really insightful advice (I know a bunch of others who would benefit from your words of experience and wisdom!). I appreciated everything I read (and the example of kindness/caring).

Thanks to you guys, I've stopped having not-so-nice thoughts about the lady in line in front of me who can't decide which of the 22 items that she's returning she should keep (especially since she was so rudely impatient about the person in line a head of her!).

 

[Windflower]

So was I, ChainedEros ...... until almost 5 years ago when I met and became the right woman (and wife) for the right man (my Husband).

I'm convinced there's no such thing as the "right man" or "right woman".

 

[VeronicaSexie]

So was I, ChainedEros ...... until almost 5 years ago when I met and became the right woman (and wife) for the right man (my Husband).

Congrats Windflower!

I hope I can say that one day before I am 80!

So Mr. Wonderful that I went out with the other night still has not called. He is still on the dating site. I am trying to decide whether to call, send him an email or just do nothing. I still have his photo and just still feel so rejected. If I called and he did not answer or just had some damn awkward tone of voice, that would be worse than never calling.

This guy is very nice looking, has a nice house like I said but is not just super perfect or anything. He had a big dog and 2 cats living in the house, and pet food laying all over the house. Even bowls of cat food sitting around on the table. Not a clean house at all. I am not a person who enjoys a big stinky dog living in a house. So, yes a bachelor, but good grief! I need to keep reminding myself of the crappy things so I will quit dwelling on this guy.

I do not go out on dates very often for this very reason. I put so much effort into a date, and probably way too high expectations and I end up get ridiculously hurt, mad and all that. I have some other pressing business tomorrow thank goodness to getting my mind off of him and wondering why he never called. I need to meet someone as a friend first that pursues me more, than I am pursuing him.

This too shall pass.

 

[HowMayIPleaseU]

It seems the men in my life have not been the best to me, but I do not hold this against all men.

Funny thing is they know I don't have the money and they don't offer, so screw em.

You are right, financially I have not been doing that well, I have been out of work for a while, but I think a job is opening up soon for me.

Probably the main issue, is that I am on the heavy set side, but I am well put together.

This town has a lot of "redneck, pick up truck driving, tobacco chewing types" To each his own.

I think once I get the weight off I think my problem might improve, and I cannot wait if I ever get the opportunity to tell off guys who previously turned me away, etc.

Everytime I meet a new guy, as in last night, I am amazed at what jerks they can be. Unbelievable.

I am a very sexual person and it is killing me that any guy I meet that I feel attracted to, just seems to reject me. I obviously do not understand men at all. Never will.

I get so angry that I just want to tell them all to fuck off. Self rightous SOB's!!!

The only thing about calling is I am not going to make him think I am desperate, even though I feel that way sometimes. I am a mess right now anyway, and need to get myself less depressed, employed and more confident.

I still don't understand where guys get off being so damn self righteous!!

This has been an ongoing problem for me, I guess the one that is the same factor in the whole thing is me, so I must be the problem.

I am going to try to be kind in what I am saying, though it may come across a little harsh. I really don't intend it to be hurtful.

I do believe you are contributing to the problem, based on the things that you are posting here. Your postings indicate a very strong negative attitude toward men (whether deserved or not is a subject for another posting). By having this attitude - wherein you are basically portraying the majority of men that you meet as "jerks", "rednecks", "cheap", "shallow", "self righteous SOBs", etc., I find it unlikely that you could not convey that attitude to the men in some fashion, even if you try very hard not to. It's similar to how I would be turned off by a man who had the attitude that all woman are golddiggers and whores just waiting to sink their claws into him. I am absolutely positive that you would try not to convey this impression to the men, but I am equally certain it would be almost impossible for you not to do so, as it permeates stories, attitude, experiences.

I also sense such strong unrest/unhappiness within your life right now - your job searching efforts, your weight loss efforts, your dating efforts, that I find it hard to believe you are presenting yourself in a positive manner when meeting men and dating. Even though you may think you are being positive out there, it's likely that this negativity is coming through in your interactions. I think most negative people would completely deny that they come across as negative to other people. I believe you need to come to a place where you are more comfortable within your own skin so to speak.

If you came across a few jerks, it would be understandable and I would say it happens. Based on the percentage/volume of men you indicate you are meeting that are jerks, I think you need to look deep within yourself to see what exactly is your contribution to the situation and how you are portraying yourself when you are out there. Either you are making poor choices up front (and need to determine why), or you are making reasonable choices but your attitude/personality is discouraging them from pursuing you further.

In my opinion, your weight would be the least of the issues, since if it were truly an issue, they wouldn't accept a date with you in the first place.

Please know that I mean these words in a sincere fashion. I am not trying to hurt your feelings. But sometimes to get what we want in life, we have to take a hard look at ourselves first.

I wish you well...