How To Find the Right Man?

[VeronicaSexie]

I am going to try to be kind in what I am saying, though it may come across a little harsh. I really don't intend it to be hurtful.

I do believe you are contributing to the problem, based on the things that you are posting here. Your postings indicate a very strong negative attitude toward men (whether deserved or not is a subject for another posting). By having this attitude - wherein you are basically portraying the majority of men that you meet as "jerks", "rednecks", "cheap", "shallow", "self righteous SOBs", etc., I find it unlikely that you could not convey that attitude to the men in some fashion, even if you try very hard not to. It's similar to how I would be turned off by a man who had the attitude that all woman are golddiggers and whores just waiting to sink their claws into him. I am absolutely positive that you would try not to convey this impression to the men, but I am equally certain it would be almost impossible for you not to do so, as it permeates stories, attitude, experiences.

I also sense such strong unrest/unhappiness within your life right now - your job searching efforts, your weight loss efforts, your dating efforts, that I find it hard to believe you are presenting yourself in a positive manner when meeting men and dating. Even though you may think you are being positive out there, it's likely that this negativity is coming through in your interactions. I think most negative people would completely deny that they come across as negative to other people. I believe you need to come to a place where you are more comfortable within your own skin so to speak.

If you came across a few jerks, it would be understandable and I would say it happens. Based on the percentage/volume of men you indicate you are meeting that are jerks, I think you need to look deep within yourself to see what exactly is your contribution to the situation and how you are portraying yourself when you are out there. Either you are making poor choices up front (and need to determine why), or you are making reasonable choices but your attitude/personality is discouraging them from pursuing you further.

In my opinion, your weight would be the least of the issues, since if it were truly an issue, they wouldn't accept a date with you in the first place.

Please know that I mean these words in a sincere fashion. I am not trying to hurt your feelings. But sometimes to get what we want in life, we have to take a hard look at ourselves first.

I wish you well...

I think you are absolutely right! You hit the nail on the head as they say. I do have some major working on myself to do right now. I do try to speak carefully, as I know that if you do have a lot of negative stories or comments in your discussion about men in general on a first or whatever date, that could come across badly. That would definitely turn me off about a guy if it was the other way around!

Another good reason NOT to drink alcohol, no matter how nervous I am on a first date. I tend to really get rather talkative when I drink and say things I probably would have never said, plus don't remember half of it! So who knows how I am coming across, maybe even as someone with a drinking problem. I don't know when to stop sometimes.

So I thank you and I think this is some of the best advice I have had in a while. I need to work on me first. Believe me, more than anyone here will know.

I need to copy what you wrote and save it, read it occasionally. Thanks for the insight!

 

[PertPerth]

Firstly, I'd like to say that yes, there are a lot of creeps out there. Not only the men, but the women. I've had some ~charming~ first dates - one guy asked me if I had herpes; a second one boasted that he'd slept with over 100 women". Personally I see nothing wrong with having a date or two with a guy before deciding if you like him or not. The only thing I would suggest is that you'd not sleep with them until the 3rd (or preferably 4th) date. Just to be sure. It's a horrible feeling when a guy says he'll call and he doesn't. It's an even worse feeling if you've slept with him.

As far as the weight issue goes, I think the problem which most men have with women being overweight is that "they don't look after themselves", and are therefore not "good housewives" or "caretakers". Obviously I'm oversimplifying it a lot, and this is not always the case. Overweight women often DO look after themselves, keep fit, wear make up and perfume, get their hair and nails done and keep a tidy house etc etc. Unfortuantely the stereotype of "she's fat = she's lazy" is etched in the minds of many men. So, if weight is hard for you to budge, make sure you make efforts in areas you can - wear nice clothes, always wear makeup when you leave the house. Put on those earrings you have had in the security locker (after all, they really bring out the colour in your eyes!).

And, unfortunately, men will always say they'll call...and then they don't. In that case, he's not worth persuing.

I've just read a couple of books; The Rules (was a little nagging, but had some good ideas which I was already doing before reading the book) and He's just not that into you which was better in my opinion ( http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/068987474X )
The biggest tip from the books is to make men chase us! Don't take their phone numbers, give them ours...and then let them call us. And, if they don't....."next!"

 

[fire_breeze]

The only thing about calling is I am not going to make him think I am desperate, even though I feel that way sometimes. I am a mess right now anyway, and need to get myself less depressed, employed and more confident. I wish to hell I did not even care if I meet anyone and could be happy without someone. Although I do not think people should be alone.

As PertPerth said, there are some creeps out there, and some guys who don't call when they say they will. The same goes for women, by the way, as my friend will attest. In any case, I would like to pass on some words of wisdom that one of my former roommates once told me when I complained to him that men don't call.

"You have to remind us to take out the trash. And you're surprised if you have remind us to call, especially at the beginning? It's not that we aren't interested, but let's face it, we can forget, and besides, we're also be chicken-shit. So pick up the damn phone and call him, but don't be desperate."

It might give you an explanation why he didn't call. It could be that he's a jerk, but you won't know - so why not give him a call and say something along the lines of "hey, just wanted to see how you are doing?" Or "I was just listening to X-band, and it reminded me of you telling me how you enjoyed their concert, so I thought I'd give you a ring". You'll lose absolutely nothing and can potentially gain everything. Just a thought, and I hope you take this as a friendly observation, not meant to be hurtful at all

Good luck

 

[VeronicaSexie]

As PertPerth said, there are some creeps out there, and some guys who don't call when they say they will. The same goes for women, by the way, as my friend will attest. In any case, I would like to pass on some words of wisdom that one of my former roommates once told me when I complained to him that men don't call.

"You have to remind us to take out the trash. And you're surprised if you have remind us to call, especially at the beginning? It's not that we aren't interested, but let's face it, we can forget, and besides, we're also be chicken-shit. So pick up the damn phone and call him, but don't be desperate."

It might give you an explanation why he didn't call. It could be that he's a jerk, but you won't know - so why not give him a call and say something along the lines of "hey, just wanted to see how you are doing?" Or "I was just listening to X-band, and it reminded me of you telling me how you enjoyed their concert, so I thought I'd give you a ring". You'll lose absolutely nothing and can potentially gain everything. Just a thought, and I hope you take this as a friendly observation, not meant to be hurtful at all

Good luck

I think I was idolizing him because he was a bit nice looking and owned a house. Big fucking deal. He was no gentleman really, or he would not have fed me a huge glass of tequila that he knew I did not need. He could have offered to sleep on the couch while he slept on the bed and not tried to take advantage of an obviously very inebriated woman. Yes, I drank it, but still. I am just chalking him up to one more mistake that I am really going to try hard not to make again.

I do have some issues with like guys, but they do seem like dogs that if it is available, they will fuck it. I think I definitely need to take a break from talking to any guys on the net, period.

 

[phelon]

First off, i wish you luck in finding someone who will not only meet your needs, but your wants as well. Having read through your thread, i would like to offer a few observations.
first, small towns suck for dating... until you hit a quarter mil or more, its a rough time for m\any of the groups tend to act or at least publically shape towards certain Bias.
these do end up giving bad stereotypes for most of us, men and women.

second, be responsible for what you want, if you find a guy you like, at least email him and say.. yes you enjoyed things and hope to see him again. for those that you don't, nothing is wrong with saying.. thank you for the time, but no thank you.
it is unfortunate that our culture does not seem to handle honesty well, it also is full of not only double standards, but contradictions. men have to be the one to initiate things, make the calls, yet if they are aggressive, then they are wrong also. perhaps some of those contradictions are confusing the men you talk with as well.

 

[Tyr51]

HowMayIPleaseU said basically what I would have said.

I'm with the "don't look" crowd. I mean that pretty seriously.



It has been the times I don't look, the times where I swear off looking and make time to take care of myself, my career, my health... the times when I am investing in learning and doing things I enjoy simply because I enjoy them? That seems to be when more men take active interest. But it makes sense, doesn't it? I do not want to date a man who comes off to me as lonely, dependant, or needy. I would want to date men who came off as confident, happy, and self sufficient. It makes since that they'd want to date the same.

So definately take this time for yourself!

And yes, I have noticed among myself and my friends that the more successful and strong they seem to be in some aspects of their lives, the harder a time they seem to have in finding partners for awhile. It seems that every time they do find someone, they realize the person they love was never in the "type" they had been trying to catch.




Stay away from want ads and dating sites. I'd stay away from them just as much as I'd stay away from bars and dance clubs as places to meet others.

These places... Bars, clubs, dating sites.... all of these force us to see others as a commodity first. And if that doesn't come off smoothly, we never get a chance to learn who they are. Really wonderful people are quickly dismissed with a cursory glance. "I prefer red heads." "He is balding." "She's a smoker." "I don't like his ass."

I think the only solution is just to simply expand your social circle and get to know people as people instead of potential mates. If you can't do it through a church or a club that shares your interests, you can do it on the internet. Go to communities (like this one) and get to know people with like interests. Don't seek anyone out. Just talk and get to know folk who seem to interest you with how they communicate.

I've met literally hundreds of people I get along with fantastically over the internet (I run my own specialized community and participate in a few others). It is a marvalous way to get to know people as people.

I met my fiance while playing an MMORPG, actually. We chatted online, found we liked one another's "company" in the game. It moved to phone conversations, which quickly became nightly. Talking to him was delightful and I got to know him very well without ever having met. I moved to the East Coast, we decided to meet in person. We were dating by the next day and he proposed to me 6 weeks later. Finding him was completely unexpected.

My "type" is very masculine, slightly athletic, dark, taller than me by a few inches, non-smoker, financially secure, and fiercely independant. I like them to be witty and a little mischevious as well.

I found my witty and mischevious man, who makes me feel protected, sexy and loved. He is blond, one inch taller than me, smokes on occassion, is a grad student, and for a time while we were talking was living with his mother. In North Carolina. I am from California.

I'd hate to think I would have missed finding the love of my life because I initially would have judged him as "not my type." Turns out he is precisely my type. I just didn't know it.



Best of luck to you with the career thing! I wish you the best.

 

[subwannabe]

I must admit to being confused over what it is you are really wanting. Your actions don't seem compatible with what you are looking for. You said this guy is no perfect angel and yet you are looking for a good man. Why would you even go out with him if you consider him not to be a perfect angel? Also, on your first date you wind up over at his house and get drunk? Im most good relationships you don't meet someone on the internet and then wind up at his house on the first date. You also don't get drunk on the first date and fool around, at least the average woman looking for Mr. Right wouldn't be going down that road. It sounds to me like you got what a woman would get for going out with someone from the internet and on the first date wound up at his house, getting drunk, and fooling around. You also seem a little bit on the possesive and insecure side in that after he said he would call you, you expected it to be immediately, like the next day or two. I don't mean to badmouth you but from your description of how things went you would sound a little wacko to me.

 

[SweetErika]

I must admit to being confused over what it is you are really wanting. Your actions don't seem compatible with what you are looking for. You said this guy is no perfect angel and yet you are looking for a good man. Why would you even go out with him if you consider him not to be a perfect angel?

I disagree. It's important to recognize that no one's perfect while still having standards. If one seeks perfection, they'll always be disappointed and may not even go out on any dates because no candidates meet their impossibly high standards.

Also, on your first date you wind up over at his house and get drunk? Im most good relationships you don't meet someone on the internet and then wind up at his house on the first date. You also don't get drunk on the first date and fool around, at least the average woman looking for Mr. Right wouldn't be going down that road. It sounds to me like you got what a woman would get for going out with someone from the internet and on the first date wound up at his house, getting drunk, and fooling around.

I do agree with this. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Also, a lot of men seem to put the "free milk" women into a 'not LTR material' category.

Plus, if I were a guy, I bet I'd seriously question the judgment of anyone who came to my house/let me come to theirs, got drunk and fooled around with me on the first date when we didn't know each other. Maybe I'm weird, but I'd probably take that as a sign my date didn't care about themselves enough to protect their personal safety, even if I was the nicest, most harmless guy in the world.

You also seem a little bit on the possesive and insecure side in that after he said he would call you, you expected it to be immediately, like the next day or two.

Immediately is more like calling when she got home to see if she made it alright. It's not unreasonable to expect someone to call/email within a couple of days when they say they'll call. Really nice guys who are interested usually DO ask for a call or call when the woman gets home, the next morning/day, or within a couple of days. It's not a hard and fast rule, but I've always found the good guys who are interested contact me fairly quickly or ask for another date at the end of the first one. They don't say they'll call/email and then wait a long time or forget or whatever.

 

[HowMayIPleaseU]

He was no gentleman really, or he would not have fed me a huge glass of tequila that he knew I did not need.

In addition to the excellent comments above...

Unless he tied you down and poured the alcohol down your throat with a funnel... he did not feed you alcohol. You made an unwise decision and drank it without recognizing your own limits. I think you need to take responsibility for your actions and the subsequent consequences.

I definitely agree with your earlier observation. You need to lay off the alcohol on dates.

To drink until you actually can't even remember what you said indicates that you might have a problem that you should get some professional assistance with (since it sounds like it happened more than once).

 

[Dreamliner]

Hi Veronica Sexie
come down to NZ and lets go have coffee.

I think when you are over 40 you are more judicious in decision-making when looking at a partner. I always recall what my auntie always said, she remained unmarried, but had a number of suitors..

" I was looking for the perfect man, but I forgot I was not the perfect woman"

for me, I just substitute man for woman. Sage advice form a great lady.

As always, caution is required, especially for a woman. Hopefully you meet the right guy one day soon.

 

[DrHappy]

I found my wife on eharmony while I was in my late 30's. If I had to do it all over again, I'd definitely take this route again. I had a very large circle of friends and had tried some other dating sites without any success. The philosophy of this particular site is that people are looking for compatibility and chemistry. They try to match you to compatible people and chemistry is trial an error by meeting people. They have a huge questionnaire which asks you about such as "how important is education level to you?" It also asks about how you deal with conflicts, and some limited questions about libido. You also get some input into your "MUST HAVES" and "CAN'T STANDS."

I thought that it was nice in that you get to find out about compatibility BEFORE you get attached to someone. I met a new person (face-to-face for dinner) about once every 6 weeks. It took me about a year to find a wonderfully compatible match for me

I enjoyed meeting everyone, even if we weren't a good match for chemistry. This isn't for everyone, and I know other people who didn't like this at all.

 

[VeronicaSexie]

Hi Veronica Sexie
come down to NZ and lets go have coffee.

I think when you are over 40 you are more judicious in decision-making when looking at a partner. I always recall what my auntie always said, she remained unmarried, but had a number of suitors..

" I was looking for the perfect man, but I forgot I was not the perfect woman"

for me, I just substitute man for woman. Sage advice form a great lady.

As always, caution is required, especially for a woman. Hopefully you meet the right guy one day soon.

Thanks Dreamliner,

One for not pointing out the obvious, as so many have here, over and over and over. I am not stupid, I do realize that I do not need to drink on a first date. However it is such a big part of socializing, plus it is great to make you feel relaxed. If I could only not drink too many. Obviously I just can't stop at one or two. It is a shame, because I just have been accustomed to doing that in the past, but never had such problems as this.

I pretty much have decided that I just need to concentrate on my career, and self improvement, since I never seem to be good enough for any male I come across. I know I cannot date any George Clooney look alikes or Johnny Depp, I can only hope. I do set my sites a little high, but I would rather be with someone that I am attracted to and like or just be alone. Gotta have that lust factor!! Ha ha.

So, when do you want to meet for coffee? My social calendar is pretty open. Gee, in a perfect world, women could just go out and pick up a guy and have great sex and not be called a slut, just she is being a normal sexually aware woman or just one of the girls!! Damn that double standard.

I am holding back on some of the nasty comments I could have made on this thread. Life is too short to argue!

So where the heck are you? Sounds like a very safe distance!

Take care and Happy New Year!