How were you disciplined as a kid, and how has that affected you?

[NaiveOne]

YES. Exactly.

My ex-husband wanted to buy a house. I would have nothing to do with it, because I refused to have to do the yard-work. I was the only one who mowed the lawn from the time I was 13. My sister and I raked god only knows how many leaves every fall and had to drag them back behind the garage. Just the small, annoying things that we were yelled at to do, when THEY wanted -- and they'd never notice when you did them on time or did them right, but god knows they'd get on your case if you missed them or did them wrong -- were enough to put me off those basic chores for years.

Exactly!!!!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

 

[SweetErika]

I don't think this is personal preference, I think it is a result of being forced and yelled at and threatened to do the chores. Most of the time I was made to do it when they wanted me to, not on my own time.

As I got older (12-17), this was a big point of contention between my mom and I. She'd tell me to do something, and didn't like that I waited until I finished the task she'd interrupted, then proceeded to nag until I did it right then. We finally compromised on her giving me a deadline, e.g. "before bed/you go out," and the problem was solved because she was assured it'd get done without nagging, and I didn't have to interrupt the things that were important to me or get irritated with her.

I just realized I usually include a loose deadline when asking my husband to do things as well. I'm not sure if he prefers that to just being asked, but it seems like a more thoughtful way to operate.

 

[boston_bbw]

I received the belt, wooden spoon, or hand across the butt as a kid, not just once in a blue moon either. It was not what I would call abusive in that day and age however this day and age I would probebly be removed from the home. I was an impossible child and needed every bit of disipline I got, almost as if I was asking for it.. .. however I would hope to resort to other measures when it comes my turn to parent. I think it definately has cause a strain in my relationship with my father as a younger adult, but I can't imagine the kind of person I would be today without it. Now as an older adult I think maybe it's all he knew, perhaps it was how he was raised and obviously he did the best he could at the time. I am happy to report now at 35 and 69 respectively we are closer then I think we have ever been.

 

[Quoll]

But Q, i thought you told me you tied them to a chain link fence and poked them with sticks . . .

Well yes, but only for the most heinous crimes, it's MY computer damnit.

 

[NaiveOne]

As I got older (12-17), this was a big point of contention between my mom and I. She'd tell me to do something, and didn't like that I waited until I finished the task she'd interrupted, then proceeded to nag until I did it right then. We finally compromised on her giving me a deadline, e.g. "before bed/you go out," and the problem was solved because she was assured it'd get done without nagging, and I didn't have to interrupt the things that were important to me or get irritated with her.

I just realized I usually include a loose deadline when asking my husband to do things as well. I'm not sure if he prefers that to just being asked, but it seems like a more thoughtful way to operate.

I agree. My younger sister still lives at home and is asked to do chores. My mom now gives her deadlines too, which seems to be working out for them. I wish it had happened sooner in my childhood so that I didn't feel bitter. But now I know how to treat my child: as my child and not my slave.

 

[reallyred]

I was spanked as a child (up to age 11 or 12) and grew up with an alcoholic parent (not the one doing the spanking).
My mother was the spanker and the yeller. Always always my sister and I were being yelled at. To this day I cannot stand anyone yelling at me.

My DH, who was beaten as a child, and I decided that we were not going to spank our child. Our son will be 7 soon and does not know what a spanking is. I even stopped yelling at him about 2 years ago because he told me it scared him. So I stopped. Now we talk about things and he is much happier and behaves quite well. I am constantly complimented on how well behaved, kind and intelligent my son is.

I do not believe that corporal punishment for children is necessary. They can be raised without hitting and still learn to behave well. It takes more patience and work but it is so worth it. I see that my son has a confidence that I didn't have until I was an adult because we "praise him to success". We give him positive feedback on things we does well (in anything, school, sports, choices, behavior) and the things he does not do so well we show him how to make a different choice next time and improve.

One of the most important aspects of raising children is to LIVE WHAT YOU TEACH THEM.
The "do what I say, not what I do" method DOES NOT WORK!!! You MUST live your life the way you want your children to live!
If you want your children to be kind, you must be kind.
If you want your children to love learning, you must love learning.
If you want your children to learn to overcome challenges, you must let them see you overcome challenges.
If you want your children to accept consequence, you must accept consequence.

Get it?! I apologize if my tone seems too strong. I just get very upset when I know that people think that spanking/yelling/threats is the way to go. I know it isn't and wish more people would realize it.

Thanks for listening to my opinion.

 

[SweetErika]

I was spanked as a child (up to age 11 or 12) and grew up with an alcoholic parent (not the one doing the spanking).
My mother was the spanker and the yeller. Always always my sister and I were being yelled at. To this day I cannot stand anyone yelling at me.

My DH, who was beaten as a child, and I decided that we were not going to spank our child. Our son will be 7 soon and does not know what a spanking is. I even stopped yelling at him about 2 years ago because he told me it scared him. So I stopped. Now we talk about things and he is much happier and behaves quite well. I am constantly complimented on how well behaved, kind and intelligent my son is.

I do not believe that corporal punishment for children is necessary. They can be raised without hitting and still learn to behave well. It takes more patience and work but it is so worth it. I see that my son has a confidence that I didn't have until I was an adult because we "praise him to success". We give him positive feedback on things we does well (in anything, school, sports, choices, behavior) and the things he does not do so well we show him how to make a different choice next time and improve.

One of the most important aspects of raising children is to LIVE WHAT YOU TEACH THEM.
The "do what I say, not what I do" method DOES NOT WORK!!! You MUST live your life the way you want your children to live!
If you want your children to be kind, you must be kind.
If you want your children to love learning, you must love learning.
If you want your children to learn to overcome challenges, you must let them see you overcome challenges.
If you want your children to accept consequence, you must accept consequence.

Get it?! I apologize if my tone seems too strong. I just get very upset when I know that people think that spanking/yelling/threats is the way to go. I know it isn't and wish more people would realize it.

Thanks for listening to my opinion.

Thanks for sharing that, Reallyred!

I think you make a good point about fear and confidence. One of the main things I learned as a child, and want to teach my kids, is that we choose our behaviors and the corresponding consequences, good or bad. I certainly feared the negative consequences, but not my mom as a person/parent, because I understood I had the power to choose the outcome of my behavior and she was just helping to implement it. Knowing I was in control of myself, along with lots of positive reinforcement and explanations, really did help my confidence level.

 

[jadefirefly]

That's a very very good point.

I think I was 18 before I could walk past either parent when they were angry without flinching inside, expecting to be swatted on the ass. No child should fear their parents, not like that.

(Now, fearing mom and dad's wrath because you stayed out until 3am with a strange boy when your curfew was 11pm.... that's different. )

 

[sharpchick]

I can't really relate to "spanking," because my sisters and I were slapped with an open hand (generally in the face), punched with a fist, kicked and had our hair pulled (we were 70s kids and all had long hair) by our out-of-control and completely alcoholic mother for genuine misdeeds as well as just walking through a room. Add daily verbal and psychological abuse, i.e., "I wish abortion had been legal when I was pregnant with you," "You know the man you call 'Daddy' really isn't, don't you?" etc., and you have a fair picture of what life was like for us.

As a result, I'm pretty hypervigilant when it comes to corporal punishment. I can count on one hand the number of times I swatted my now 23 year old son - the swat was administered on his clothing padded butt and there was one swat. But the thing is, it was soooo much more effective to discipline him by curtailing privileges and taking away favored items for a period of time. When he was very small, simply knowing you were disappointed in him was sufficient to change his behavior.

My sisters' actions as adults illustrate the different ways people interpret their upbringing. Both of them are younger than I and I always tried to run interference for them from Mom when we were growing up. My middle sister was a lackadaisical dsiciplinarian and there were times when it was a real challenge to be around her son when he was small. My youngest sister, unfortunately, became increasingly heavy handed with her three kids - to the degree that her husband had to pull her off one of her sons one day, whom she was beating with a belt while he was handcuffed to a chair (so he couldn't get away).

I guess I was the middle of the road of the three of us, or just had an easier kid to deal with. . .

 

[Guest]

 

[EJFan]

Our kids are also well behaved (at least as far as we know ) and people have told us this on numerous occasions. there have been several occasions when our kids were going with a group (say a day or weekend trip) and parents were providing the transportation, where a parent told me they wanted my kids riding in their car because they don't cause problems. It's a really nice thing to hear from another parent. (I'm not bragging too much, am I?)

i think this is fantastic... see what some quality parenting can make happen?

You don't have to treat kids like adults, just treat them like people.

this can't be said enough... kudos to you mr. waggles.

 

[bobsgirl]

You don't have to treat kids like adults, just treat them like people.

Hear, hear. Not only should kids not be treated like adults, they should not be expected to act like adults. As an example, putting a toddler in a situation where they have to be quiet and sit still is insane. You're just asking for tantrums and aggravation.

MrWag, your children are very blessed to have the parents they do. I wish my dad had been more like you. Maybe then Father's Day would mean more to me.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

 

[EJFan]

Thanks. But it just seems like common sense.

it IS common sense... but so many parents just don't get it. personally, i have no desire to be a father because it's just too damned hard to raise a child (and i'm too self-centered) but i'm sure that if you start off with the type of tactics you've used that MOST children will wind up as well adjusted adults.

i have to make an observation here though. has anyone else noticed that many "problem children" grow up to be productive, quality adults... while the "good kids" sometimes wind up being sociopaths? i've seen this in many kids (in my family and outside it) where whatever kind of child they are they do a complete 180 as adults... if there's a significant percentage of this type of turn around i'd like to find out why.

 

[Chicklet]

This is a pretty interesting thread.

In my family, there was never any spanking. Actually, I think I got spanked ONCE, when I was 6 or so, for poking holes through the roof of my dad's convertible with a screwdriver.

The thing about that incident is, I didn't know it was bad when I was doing it. I didn't know there was anything wrong with what I was doing. I remember poking the holes, and liking the noise it made and the sensation of piercing something, and did not associate it with doing something naughty, that I wasn't supposed to be doing. In that situation, I think spanking was stupid, because what's the point of punishing someone who's mind is innocent?

Maybe it's because I'm a masochist, but I don't see causing physical pain as a good punishment. I think loss of priviledges is worse, although my parents didn't do much of that, either. I think perhaps they made some disciplinary mistakes, but I turned out okay. My brother, on the other hand, is a shining example of what a child should NOT turn out to be. But me, frankly, I think I'm in a good position in my life, and my mental state. I don't have a great job, and I don't have a super relaxing life, but I'm so happy with the life I do have. Is that because of who I am, or because of how I was raised?

I wouldn't spank my children. I think that it would be too hard to control my own temper if they did something I thought was wrong, and I don't ever want to hit someone out of anger. If they do something naughty on purpose, there should be a way for that to hurt them more than my hand. At least I hope. But then, I'm not a parent yet, so we'll see how I raise my children when I do have them.

 

[SweetErika]

i have to make an observation here though. has anyone else noticed that many "problem children" grow up to be productive, quality adults... while the "good kids" sometimes wind up being sociopaths? i've seen this in many kids (in my family and outside it) where whatever kind of child they are they do a complete 180 as adults... if there's a significant percentage of this type of turn around i'd like to find out why.

Excellent observation, EJ.

My hubby was a problem child, though I think a lot of that had to do with not getting enough affection, positive attention and quality time with his parents (so he acted out to get ANY attention) and low self-esteem. Both he and his sister (who wasn't problematic) have grown up to be pretty good adults.

So, I think a lot of it has to do with WHY kids are deemed problematic in the first place. In addition to wanting attention and low self-esteem, it could be a mental or physical problem that's treated in later years, or due to emotional upset/trauma that heals with time and/or therapy. Perhaps "problem children" are more likely to get help for their issues, while "good kids," who certainly have some problems as well, are somewhat overlooked because they're not displaying symptoms?

My other thought is that maybe the "good kids" who display bad behavior as adults were just putting on an act. In other words, the seeds and saplings were always there, but the kid was good at hiding them, kept bad behavior private, or had somewhat oblivious parents. True sociopaths, like some of the reknowned killers and rapists, are usually masterful actors who have honed their craft since early childhood. These kids might have also had some experiences that left large enough wounds to result in bad behavior in adulthood.

I'm not a sociopath, but was a good kid and am excellent at pushing down pain and other negative feelings/experiences. They always erupt sometime, whether it's days, months, years, or even decades down the line. I've known about this problem for a long time and consciously work on it, but can see how easily someone like myself could turn bad if they weren't aware or didn't have the desire to fix it.

 

[covariant]

When I was a child, my Dad whipped me with his belt when I had done something "bad". Actually, what happened was that my Mom would tell me that I was going to get a spanking when my Dad got home, so I spent hours in fear of the event.

I have problems with self-confidence and fear to this day. I would never beat a child, it can be too damaging.

 

[Brandy1969]

I had an interesting childhood in that I was definitely spanked and hit both....by whatever my mom found handy at the time. It could be a yardstick, a belt, my paddle (I say "my" because they wrote my name on it)....you name it, I was spanked, paddled, or hit with it....and not always on the rear end either. In fact, there were more times than I care to count that she would come after me and get quite carried away....and it was usually those times that I came away with numerous scratches and/or bruises that I would have to figure out how to explain the next day to friends and whomever. Then there was the lovely verbal/emotional abuse, the scars from that went so much deeper than the physical part of the abuse, even to this day.

 

[sharpchick]

Excellent observation, EJ.

My hubby was a problem child, though I think a lot of that had to do with not getting enough affection, positive attention and quality time with his parents (so he acted out to get ANY attention) and low self-esteem. Both he and his sister (who wasn't problematic) have grown up to be pretty good adults.

So, I think a lot of it has to do with WHY kids are deemed problematic in the first place. In addition to wanting attention and low self-esteem, it could be a mental or physical problem that's treated in later years, or due to emotional upset/trauma that heals with time and/or therapy. Perhaps "problem children" are more likely to get help for their issues, while "good kids," who certainly have some problems as well, are somewhat overlooked because they're not displaying symptoms?

My other thought is that maybe the "good kids" who display bad behavior as adults were just putting on an act. In other words, the seeds and saplings were always there, but the kid was good at hiding them, kept bad behavior private, or had somewhat oblivious parents. True sociopaths, like some of the reknowned killers and rapists, are usually masterful actors who have honed their craft since early childhood. These kids might have also had some experiences that left large enough wounds to result in bad behavior in adulthood.

I'm not a sociopath, but was a good kid and am excellent at pushing down pain and other negative feelings/experiences. They always erupt sometime, whether it's days, months, years, or even decades down the line. I've known about this problem for a long time and consciously work on it, but can see how easily someone like myself could turn bad if they weren't aware or didn't have the desire to fix it.

I was incredulous to return to my hometown at the age of 21 and find that my long time family doctor had known what was going on at my house, and never did anything about or reported it to someone who could help. He remarked to me when I saw him shortly after my return that he was surprised that neither my sisters or I were in jail or dead.

In-fucking-credible. . . and yes, I told him exactly what I thought of him.

 

[Eilan]

But we have and still do spend a lot of time with them.

Just the other day, my husband was talking about how wonderful it is that he's no longer working full-time and is able to stay home and play with the kids. Maybe there aren't that many advantages to becoming a dad at 45, but for my husband, that's one of them.

BTW, Scaly, it sounds like your son has a touch of Senioritis.

Hear, hear. Not only should kids not be treated like adults, they should not be expected to act like adults. As an example, putting a toddler in a situation where they have to be quiet and sit still is insane.

Exactly. It's the parents who have unrealistic expectations about a how a two-year-old should behave who are the problem.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I remember my parents spanking me once when I was in kindergarten. I had gone home with one of my friends instead of coming straight home from school, so they were prolly insane worrying I'd been killed or kidnapped.

Outside of that, my dad was a yeller back then. My parents were 21 when they married, so I realize now that he hadn't yet learned to control his short temper at his young age. I learned his bark was worse than his bite, and eventually saw that it ran in his family. I chalked it up to our being from a passionate/emotional ethnic family.

I don't recall them grounding me or anything like that, but they did express their disappointment in me and I think that hurt me a hell of a lot more than any grounding or even spanking would. I know they didn't intend it this way, but I was afraid of losing their love if I disappointed them too often or too deeply. I still have issues with this now - I really hate to disappoint people because I fear I'll lose their love or goodwill.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks. But it just seems like common sense.

My younger son has been giving us a lot to work with lately.

He's got a B+ average through 3.5 years of high school, is enrolled in a very good NY college for next fall, and comes home with two 60s and a 58 on his progress report? WTF?

No yelling involved but I've been on his ass for weeks now, in fact I'll announce to him with a smile that it's time for his daily grilling; I think he's really getting sick of me.

Does he have a car or get an allowance that's enough for non-essentials, Scaly? Hubby's parents established a rule that his car would be taken away if he got below a 3.2 for the semester. That was well within his ability and there was some leeway if he had an extra tough courseload or something understandable had happened, but it was a really good motivator for him to work hard and avoid partying on school nights.

The reasoning was they were paying for school, academics were his full-time job, and it was technically their car, so they had every right and responsibility to help him re-focus if his freedom was interfering with his performance. It worked like a charm for Hubby and his sister!