How would you feel if your partner confessed that they had raped someone?

[Stella_Omega]

I didn't realize we were talking statutory rape, if so it would depend on the individual case.

I'm talking about how often men bring up statutory rape when they talk about rape-- as opposed to date rape, domestic rape, coercive rape, and "she didn't really mean no" rape.

 

[Wide_eyed_Indulgence]

Rape is not okay. And if my "loving and committed" partner told me he slipped up and raped somebody, I am outta there. Trust would be over for me. The original post gave two examples: she said "no" too late; she passed out. Although I understand the slippery slope of "gray" areas, neither of those are gray to me.

Also illuminating here is that he admits to a rape -- so if he thinks he raped someone, I would not argue with that. And I would leave.

 

[Marquis]

I'm talking about how often men bring up statutory rape when they talk about rape-- as opposed to date rape, domestic rape, coercive rape, and "she didn't really mean no" rape.

I only used this example because of the specific scenarios I listed above, having studied them.

I saw an interesting documentary some years ago, Raw Deal, in which a sex act between a frat boy and a stripper is filmed. Some clearly see it as rape while others do not. The law ended up siding with the boys involved and many people were outraged. Interesting that even in such a rare case with such clear evidence, there can be disagreement about whether a crime was committed.

 

[Stella_Omega]

The law ended up siding with the boys involved

Of course it did.

and many people were outraged.

Of course they were. But not as many men were outraged as women, dollars to donuts.

 

[Dianthus]

I have a few thoughts on this.

First, reading the 'I couldn't stay with someone who admits he raped' POV raises a question for me. Could you stay with someone who has raped but doesn't admit it?

Is there any virtue in coming to the understanding, however belatedly, that the action was, in fact, rape?

You know rapists. I can guarantee it. They really don't believe it was rape. I repeat; many men have committed sexual violence against women who do not think they were trespassing. In fact, many men would be horrified to think it was so.

Or anyway, horrified to find out that women think it was so.

I cite Stella's post and corroborate the sentiment that many men don't believe that they have committed a sexual assault, even when their 'partner' / 'victim' believes that an assault took place.

So, while it's infinitely preferable to understand the context of sexual assault and avoid committing it or even approaching that line, in my view, kudos to a man who figures it out and has genuine remorse.

I just find it ironic that this post would be right under this posting
"Women who like to be taken forcefully "
It is just the way of the world i guess.

heh, yeah. BDSM is chock full of practices that in any other context would be actionable. The trick is knowing when and where...

The trick is negotiating consent before beginning. Rape still occurs in a BDSM context.

 

[Primalex]

I consider all rapists to have something wrong in their mind.

Does this mean now they are responsible or not responsible for it? It's not their fault that there is something wrong in their mind, right? After all, it's neither your fault, that you get wet by simulated rape stories.

Bonus question:
Will there be more rape if rape is legal and if yes, how can a law affect what is wrong in a mind?

 

[Pachet]

Does this mean now they are responsible or not responsible for it? It's not their fault that there is something wrong in their mind, right? After all, it's neither your fault, that you get wet by simulated rape stories.

Bonus question:
Will there be more rape if rape is legal and if yes, how can a law affect what is wrong in a mind?

They're responsible for it, unless they're so gravely mentally disabled that they really don't know the difference between right and wrong. When I said "something wrong in the mind" I was being deliberately vague, because I really don't know what it is. Is it mental illness? Is it just a lack of empathy? Are they just bad people? I honestly don't know, although I think part of it is a near-psychotic obsession with their own pleasure, to the point where that's all that matters to them, regardless of if taking their pleasure hurts someone else.

It's not my "fault" I get turned on by rape fantasies... but the important thing is consent. The idea of rape in real life doesn't turn me on, but even if it did, I would never be a party to it, because I know it's wrong, and I don't want to hurt anyone. Rapists... don't think like that. The fact that someone will be hurt just doesn't matter to them. It does to me.

 

[Primalex]

When I said "something wrong in the mind" I was being deliberately vague, because I really don't know what it is. Is it mental illness? Is it just a lack of empathy? Are they just bad people? I honestly don't know, although I think part of it is a near-psychotic obsession with their own pleasure, to the point where that's all that matters to them, regardless of if taking their pleasure hurts someone else.

Why do you insist that something is wrong with them?

It's not my "fault" I get turned on by rape fantasies... but the important thing is consent. The idea of rape in real life doesn't turn me on, but even if it did, I would never be a party to it, because I know it's wrong, and I don't want to hurt anyone.

So you have never ever done anything in your life that you knew is wrong or that was able to hurt someone?

And you skipped the bonus question.

 

[Pachet]

Why do you insist that something is wrong with them?

I don't "insist". It's my opinion. Take it or leave it.

So you have never ever done anything in your life that you knew is wrong or that was able to hurt someone?

Of course I have - we all have. But not to that level. Not even close. All hurt is equal now - being rude to a waitress is equal to rape? Is that what you're positing?

And you skipped the bonus question.

I skipped it because I had no interest in answering it. A world where rape is legal? It's a pointless hypothetical.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Wow those were some questions that do not even make sense, Primalex.

 

[marieR19]

Rape is rape is rape is rape and there is NO excuse for it.

.... The only exception, imo, being statutory rape. Because so often it *isn't* rape, both people are completely willing and consensual, and does one or two years really make *that* much of a difference, just because we are talking an arbitrary "underage" number? What's "of age" is completely arbitrary and different in many places. And yeah, I'll admit that I'm standing up for this because way back when, one of my mom's friends threatened to tell the cops 'cause Beth was 19 and I was 17. ..... I mean really, so what?

Beyond that.... I'd say the general question STRONGLY depends on *what happened* after the rape. Did the person go to jail, go through therapy, etc? If they went through a lengthy rehabilitation, remorse type of stage, then yeah, I *MIGHT* consider whether I felt like I could trust them enough to still be with them.

But the "I raped someone and got away with it" type of confession? OUT OF MY LIFE NOW.

 

[Netzach]

They have "Romeo and Juliet" laws on the books to protect people who are close in age and underage from prosecution. I know these have been applied unequally when queer kids are concerned, in certain backwaters, but I think the constitutionality of that may have been tested and found wanting, or am I being optimistic and remembering a case that wasn't?

 

[notalwaysweak]

I broke up with him.

Then I was stupid enough to believe him when he said that he was young and confused and didn't know what he was doing was wrong, and got back with him a month later.

Not much later, he started abusing and raping me, tried to strangle me twice, and I didn't get back out for over a year because I was fucking terrified of him - I was sure he'd come after me and kill me if I left him.

Then I met my current partner, who with a few words made me realise I didn't have to be in that relationship. Broke up with the rapist, got together with current partner a week later, and we've been together for ten years on August 23rd.

The backstory about the rapist: he was twelve when he started, to the best of my knowledge from things he said it went on for at least three years, and the victim was his five-year-old sister.

 

[KoPilot]

I cite Stella's post and corroborate the sentiment that many men don't believe that they have committed a sexual assault, even when their 'partner' / 'victim' believes that an assault took place.

So, while it's infinitely preferable to understand the context of sexual assault and avoid committing it or even approaching that line, in my view, kudos to a man who figures it out and has genuine remorse.

Rapists have very strict definitions of rape, it seems-- always to justify that what they did wasn't.

Wish I had time to look up that study that was done on college-age boys who found that way more of them confessed to rape when the word "rape" was removed from the questionnaire and other, more plainly descriptive words were used instead.

 

[Marquis]

Wish I had time to look up that study that was done on college-age boys who found that way more of them confessed to rape when the word "rape" was removed from the questionnaire and other, more plainly descriptive words were used instead.

I would be very interested in seeing this, if you could.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I would be very interested in seeing this, if you could.

https://www.google.com/search?q=confess+to+rape+study

 

[Marquis]

https://www.google.com/search?q=confess+to+rape+study

Ha ha, you couldn't link me to the top article?

 

[BrightlyGo]

notice that three of the questions do not mention consensuality or lack thereof.

I think it's pretty clear that 'by force or threat of force' implies over objections (non-consent). But, yes, i suppose a top who incorporates forceful activities into BDSM play could miss that and answer one of those affirmatively, even though consent was present.

But, i doubt that would confound the results much, since we're not a large community....

 

[Bramblethorn]

I think it's pretty clear that 'by force or threat of force' implies over objections (non-consent).

Not to me. Resistance play is definitely "by force" even if everybody consented to that play, same as a consensual spanking is still a spanking.

But, yes, i suppose a top who incorporates forceful activities into BDSM play could miss that and answer one of those affirmatively, even though consent was present.

But, i doubt that would confound the results much, since we're not a large community....

BDSM as a community might be small, but there are plenty of folk who enjoy some form of it whether or not they identify with that community. Last I saw about 5-25% of the general population admitted to some form of BDSM involvement.

 

[Dyslexicea]

According to the this study done for the CDC "Malamuth, N. M. (1981). Rape proclivity among males. Journal of Social Issues, 37, 138-157. National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Rape fact sheet. Atlanta: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services."

35% of men report at least some degree of likelihood of raping if they could be assured they wouldn't be caught or punished.

According to this study "O'Sullivan, C. "Acquaintance Gang Rape on Campus." In A. Parrot and L. Bechhofer (eds.) Acquantaince Rape: The Hidden Crime. New York: John Wiley and Sons, 1991.

55% of gang rapes on college campuses are committed by fraternities, 40% by sports teams, and 5% by others.

What does that say about the GREAT AMERICAN BOY. I guess MEN do know what RAPE is. Men do know when they RAPE to excuse Men by even thinking that Men don't realize it is Rape is fucked. They sure the fuck know when they're raped and they sure as fuck know when they rape us.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You folks are funny.

Girls are like the French military, they wanna ceremonial show of resistance before they surrender. The lips say, no no no, and the pussy says YES YES YES. Believe the pussy.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I dont disagree with your basic point, but there is this;



I didn't.

When you think about it-- that ties into what defines rape. What she did to you, thousands of men do to women all the time. And those guys don't think it's rape when they do it.

 

[Dyslexicea]

I dont disagree with your basic point, but there is this;



I didn't.

I did read your post about being raped and I do agree in a very small percentage of cases it is, especially for a man, almost impossible to admit even to oneself they've been raped. Not only were you raped but you were also mind fucked between the two you're lucky to not have committed suicide.

Still I do believe in the vast majority of rapes the rapist knows they committed rape.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

What if the confession came in the form of a letter or someone coming forward to tell you after the death of your 60 year mate who was a model citizen and devoted and loving partner? Would that be proof that they had "changed"? How many years of "good behavior" does it take to forgive one bad (yes, even completely heinous) choice? If the victim forgave the crime, should society follow their lead?

 

[Felonious1]

From a BDSM stand point, floating consent hasn't been touched on. I'm referring to consent previously given for " X, Y and Z ". Yet in the aftermath, the little letter partner feels the big letter went too far within scene. Should the accuser go to the authorities to press charges due to the big letter's perceived violation of their rights, previously consented too acts and actions can be instantly contextually morphed into being perceived as unwanted acts of violence having been committed.

It's the little letter's personal responsibility to safe word or safe signal within scene. If they do in fact, safe word or signal......and it's ignored while the big letter carries on with said act/actions? Of ourse its abusive, while being both morally and legally wrong.

OTOH.......if the little letter doesn't safe word or safe signal, and then accuses the big letter of going too far after the fact? That's another situation entirely. With the flipping of the script after said consent is withdrawn after the fact......the one who was seemingly in a position of power beforehand, is now potentially powerless to explain and defend their acts/actions against criminal charges.

Of course I know its dangerous to one's well being to wade in the treacherous waters of BDSM with those who partake in mood or inhibition altering substances. Then there's those with mental states that can too erratic to be steadfast in the area of consistent consent granting in regards to their kink-based wants and wishes. Yet in today's society, with the level of substance abuse and mental/emotional instability on the rise........sport fucking in swiftly becoming an even greater mine field to walk through. Thus I'm of the opinion that these floating consent turned abuse cases will occur more frequently.


The legal, moral and first person subjective determination of what constitutes rape/assault isn't one-size-fits-all when you throw floating consent into the picture. How mainstream, non-BDSM society views the various offenses surrounding rape and/or assault accusations, and the subsequent legal charges, are not going to drive out well for the well meaning kinkster who's found themselves in a pitfall.

I feel there's far more big letter types that have found themselves in this sticky moral and/or legal situation than what they've readily admitted too. Most big letters are far too ashamed to ever admit they had to face down personal or legal accusations of rape or abuse after someone changed their mind and consent was withdrawn.

JMO.....