How would you feel if your partner confessed that they had raped someone?

[deliteme]

I was abused by my husband while married and forced to either have sex or blow him in fear of him getting angry and hitting me.

It took me along time to let my inner animal back out after those years and I still have some issues that I worked on with my old Master for five years but still some things have stayed.

I cannot bear to be face slapped... spank my ass, my legs, any where else but not there. I can't stand any restriction to my breathing after almost being choked to death more than once. And its not something I can control, its a blind panic where I will fight to the death blindly if you go too far.

If a man has raped, and I don't mean he has been tricked into it by a fake ID girl or something... he loses his right to breath around me. And if I found out he had done it more than once and *gotten away with it*... I would be ringing some friends of mine and tell them to come with their teaspoons....because girls we have a castration to do.

 

[Ropebunny]

What if the confession came in the form of a letter or someone coming forward to tell you after the death of your 60 year mate who was a model citizen and devoted and loving partner? Would that be proof that they had "changed"? How many years of "good behavior" does it take to forgive one bad (yes, even completely heinous) choice? If the victim forgave the crime, should society follow their lead?

I can't speak for society, but I think that I would feel hurt and betrayed that I had spent a good portion of my life with someone that hadn't been totally honest with me. I would second guess my judgement and question the validity of my memories. The deception and lack of accountability would be proof to me that they hadn't 'changed'.


I only instance in which I feel I could stay with someone that had committed rape is if they had confessed of their own free will to the authorities and had served time. They would also have to have been through appropriate treatment programmes and be genuinely remorseful. I would also have to have been told this information by the person relatively soonish into the relationship (before marriage, kids etc.)

If I found out well into relationship that my partner had raped someone, they wouldn't be my partner anymore. They really wouldn't be the person I'd thought I'd fallen in love with, and my life is too important to waste time with those that can't be honest with me.

 

[Stella_Omega]

so the answer is vigilantism and lynching. hmm..

Let me pose a similar question; what if you found that your sister, best friend, or female partner had raped someone? Or that they had mutilated someone as deliteme describes later in her post?

No question. And it's infuriating that the common narrative posits and celebrates castration-in-revenge instead of positing a real, functional legal system.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You hurt or killed my brother, I don't care what you think he did to you I'm gonna fuck you up. And then your family retaliates. And then my family and friends retaliates... ever heard of Hatfields and McCoys.

My ex is not a Hatfield, but a Martin-- there was a longer-running feud between the Martins and the McCoys.

Oddly enough, one of the boyfriends of mine that I never stopped being friends with, was a McCoy. Him and my hubby were besties at first sight.

however, I have no family loyalty of that sort. No one can rely on me to side with them in a vendetta of their own making.

 

[sweepthefloor]

When we were teenagers a good friend of mine told me that him and his friends raped a girl together. He was young and hanging out with these boys and they did that. They were convicted, and because of his youth he went into some kind of treatment.

At that time I didn't truly think about it because so much stuff was happening in my own life. It was a night of telling secrets on the roof under a dark and cloudy sky-- and life was dark.

I remember he felt terrible about it. I remember him telling me if I didn't want to be around him that he would understand. We remained friends. I wasn't afraid of him. I told him some of my own secrets.

Years later in adulthood after I went away for a while I remember we tried to recapture the friendship that we used to have. And one night I was alone with him at his house.

It's funny how people changed, how I changed. I suddenly remembered the story and felt uncomfortable. I remember thinking to myself: And now I know fear. My heart started racing. I remember thinking: He doesn't know what I am thinking, show no fear. I kept thinking that if he knew what I was remembering he might hurt me. Maybe I was being irrational, I don't know.

I don't know his outcome in life. I stopped hanging around with him, but I wouldn't say that I am not his friend. If he called on the phone right now I would be like: What's up man? I was never romantically or sexually involved with him. I mean we held hands but it wasn't like the sweaty nervous, I want you hands.

 

[hotblue17]

I'd put on my steel toed boots, kick her in the ovaries, and call the cops.

 

[Ropebunny]

I think I would feel this way too.

When I ponder this question though, I'm not conjecturing some potential future partner, I'm thinking about my wife.

"pretty far fetched," doesn't do it justice.

But what if my brother made such an admission?
hmm...

what if, in a few years, someone came forward with accusations about my daughter?

I was also thinking about my partner when I wrote this, along with anyone else I may happen to be intimate with throughout my life.

I really hadn't thought of my son though. He's still small now, but one day he won't be. I'd like to think that we'd be effective enough parents to instil him with a profound disgust of rape, but in reality kids take only part of what you try to teach them and get the rest from elsewhere.

How I would deal with him being accused of rape, I just don't know. Gracefully I hope, if that's at all possible.

 

[Betticus]

Not an Ariel Castro type of situation, but a girl he was trying to fuck said no rather late in the seduction process and he overpowered her. Or perhaps she was too drunk to say no, or passed out completely.

Too much gray area to be able to say.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Too much gray area to be able to say.

Consent is not as grey as all that.

 

[KoPilot]

When we were teenagers a good friend of mine told me that him and his friends raped a girl together. He was young and hanging out with these boys and they did that. They were convicted, and because of his youth he went into some kind of treatment.

At that time I didn't truly think about it because so much stuff was happening in my own life. It was a night of telling secrets on the roof under a dark and cloudy sky-- and life was dark.

I remember he felt terrible about it. I remember him telling me if I didn't want to be around him that he would understand. We remained friends. I wasn't afraid of him. I told him some of my own secrets.

Years later in adulthood after I went away for a while I remember we tried to recapture the friendship that we used to have. And one night I was alone with him at his house.

It's funny how people changed, how I changed. I suddenly remembered the story and felt uncomfortable. I remember thinking to myself: And now I know fear. My heart started racing. I remember thinking: He doesn't know what I am thinking, show no fear. I kept thinking that if he knew what I was remembering he might hurt me. Maybe I was being irrational, I don't know.

I don't know his outcome in life. I stopped hanging around with him, but I wouldn't say that I am not his friend. If he called on the phone right now I would be like: What's up man? I was never romantically or sexually involved with him. I mean we held hands but it wasn't like the sweaty nervous, I want you hands.

I have a tangentially-related story... instead of a rapist, I knew a self-identified pedophile. He never got near any kids (or so he said, but I'm inclined to take his word for it) because he never desired to hurt anyone, but the urges and the fantasies were there. We swapped dirty secrets re: paraphilias, and I got pedophilia (like, legit-- pre-pubescent children) in return for marophilia. Needless to say, his was an incredible burden to bear. I became less and less able to tolerate his confessions to me as time went on, and more and more dreading the day that I hung out with him again because we were online, though regional, friends.

I had to break contact. It was just too unsettling for me to bear. What if, by being friends with him, I was being inadvertently complicit or approving of something he'd done somehow? Etc. It was just not something I could stomach in any healthy sort of way.

--

And yes, when I said divorce, I was explicitly imagining the man I'm currently married to. I was imagining how painful the decision would be, how much I would question it. But still, I can't imagine not doing it for two reasons: 1. if he's as guilt-ridden as I would expect of a person worthy of lifelong companionship, then that would be such a huge chunk of his life that he would had to have lied about, and that level of dishonesty isn't something I could built a relationship on top of. 2. if he's not guilt-ridden about it, then... no brainer, right? Either way, I'm sure that there would be subtle behavioral cues that would have prevented me from getting so intimately involved as to marry the guy to begin with.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Consent is not as grey as all that.

I'm not so sure about that. I'm not even sure myself what to call what happened to me.

I was in college away at a professional convention. I had all week been hanging out with a group of mostly guys from another school. One of the guys I had met previously and he was very obviously interested in me. I was in his hotel room during the day and he said pointing to the ceiling "By the end of tonight you will be looking up at that". I laughed and said "only in your dreams". Later that night I went to a party in another hotel room hosted by some friends of his. I had two drinks and found myself extremely drunk.

An hour or two later I was in the guy's hotel room making out. I did not want to be with him, yet I didn't say "no". I don't know for sure but he may have been as drunk as I was. I could have left at anytime (though I do remember being afraid to leave because I was staying at a different hotel and didn't want to walk back alone. I didn't even think of taking a taxi) He was about 5 in taller and m
uch stronger than I was and I remember being acutely aware of this fact. Yet...I did ask to go to the bathroom and took the opportunity to insert a Today sponge. Even though I didn't want to have sex with him I felt it was inevitable and I wanted to make sure I didn't get pregnant. (however I didn't insist on him wearing a condom which I would always do for consensual sex) I never said no. I was too drunk to actively engage in sex, too drunk to do anything when he turned me over and took my ass for my first anal sex. Too drunk to do anything but feel the pain. I was like a rag doll.

When I woke up the next morning I was naked on the balcony covered with a sheet. I went back into the room and..well he was a total ass..the details of that morning are far too humiliating to go into.

During the walk back to the hotel I was crying and wondering why didn't I just leave? Did I feel like he was entitled to have sex with me because I had teased and flirted with him during the week? Was I raped or was it just morning after regret? Was it my responsibility to say "no" or his to get a "yes"?

I saw him at another conference about 2 years later and felt physically sick to my stomach. He again was a total ass.

But did that make him a rapist?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yes, he is a rapist.

When someone fucks someone who is too drunk to say yes or no, they have raped that person. When someone fucks someone who is afraid to say no-- that is rape. (that's happened to me twice, I've felt no horrible after effects, and neither time was not violent-- but I was aware that I should have felt able to say no, and was not.)

You DID say no-- "only in your dreams" is "no."

You had two drinks that got you incredibly drunk? more than you would have expected?

Men like this guy don't stop with just you. He's been doing this to other women all along, and I'll bet if you named him you'd get a lot of women suddenly speaking up.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Yes, he is a rapist.

When someone fucks someone who is too drunk to say yes or no, they have raped that person. When someone fucks someone who is afraid to say no-- that is rape. (that's happened to me twice, I've felt no horrible after effects, and neither time was not violent-- but I was aware that I should have felt able to say no, and was not.)

You DID say no-- "only in your dreams" is "no."

You had two drinks that got you incredibly drunk? more than you would have expected?

Men like this guy don't stop with just you. He's been doing this to other women all along, and I'll bet if you named him you'd get a lot of women suddenly speaking up.

You may be right, but I don't think I will ever get to the point where I don't feel at least equally responsible.

Looking back I do think there was either something in my drinks or they were way stronger than I could taste. But again, I should have known better to drink punch at a party with people I didn't know.

 

[ecstaticsub]

TO answer the OP's question...if either of my partners confessed to having raped someone and it was a long time ago I'm not sure had I would feel. I do know it wouldn't make be immediately separate from either of them. It would depend on the details.

I have discovered that I can no longer predict how I would feel or what I would do in a hypothetical situation until it actually happens.

So I simply don't know.

 

[sweepthefloor]

I have a tangentially-related story... instead of a rapist, I knew a self-identified pedophile. He never got near any kids (or so he said, but I'm inclined to take his word for it) because he never desired to hurt anyone, but the urges and the fantasies were there. We swapped dirty secrets re: paraphilias, and I got pedophilia (like, legit-- pre-pubescent children) in return for marophilia. Needless to say, his was an incredible burden to bear. I became less and less able to tolerate his confessions to me as time went on, and more and more dreading the day that I hung out with him again because we were online, though regional, friends.

I had to break contact. It was just too unsettling for me to bear. What if, by being friends with him, I was being inadvertently complicit or approving of something he'd done somehow? Etc. It was just not something I could stomach in any healthy sort of way.

--

And yes, when I said divorce, I was explicitly imagining the man I'm currently married to. I was imagining how painful the decision would be, how much I would question it. But still, I can't imagine not doing it for two reasons: 1. if he's as guilt-ridden as I would expect of a person worthy of lifelong companionship, then that would be such a huge chunk of his life that he would had to have lied about, and that level of dishonesty isn't something I could built a relationship on top of. 2. if he's not guilt-ridden about it, then... no brainer, right? Either way, I'm sure that there would be subtle behavioral cues that would have prevented me from getting so intimately involved as to marry the guy to begin with.

It is disturbing and I can imagine it would be a burden to worry if somehow your acceptance of his desire could lead to actualization.

I am not sure what I would recommend to a friend: therapy to alter the thought process, or a safe way to act out these fantasies without crossing the moral or criminal line. I wouldn’t feel comfortable anymore.
---
The original question:

I can’t imagine a husband waking up ten years later and saying over morning coffee: Guess what honey? I once raped a girl. How do you like me now?

I think that if a husband dropped this kind of a bomb in the house it would be because it was bothering him, and that would indicate remorse. And from there we would decide the next best action based on the details, and my first question would be: was justice served?

I don’t feel obligated to talk about the past and I don’t expect it from others. I suppose things like rape and murder would be a need to know prior to marriage. And I am good for the first date conversation: so, have you ever raped a girl? ever hurt small animals just because you are stronger?

 

[Netzach]

You may be right, but I don't think I will ever get to the point where I don't feel at least equally responsible.

Looking back I do think there was either something in my drinks or they were way stronger than I could taste. But again, I should have known better to drink punch at a party with people I didn't know.

It's never a good idea, but if you're a guy the punishment for it is usually a hangover.

 

[Primalex]

Of course I have - we all have. But not to that level. Not even close. All hurt is equal now - being rude to a waitress is equal to rape? Is that what you're positing?

No.

I'm trying to explain that it is not a matter of hurting or not hurting someone, but merely the threshold that determines what is still okay and what is not. And this threshold does not as much base upon ethical values as you might think. Milgrams experiment has proven this.

I skipped it because I had no interest in answering it. A world where rape is legal? It's a pointless hypothetical.

Said the girl who gets raped in a foreign country, runs to the police there and gets put in jail instead, because rape is not illegal there, but premarital sex is.

Your knowledge about the world is depressingly as accurate as foreigners think about us.

 

[Primalex]

both people are completely willing and consensual

The whole point of it is that consent can't be granted by minors so the statement that it was a consensual activity is inherently wrong.

Beyond that.... I'd say the general question STRONGLY depends on *what happened* after the rape. Did the person go to jail, go through therapy, etc? If they went through a lengthy rehabilitation, remorse type of stage, then yeah, I *MIGHT* consider whether I felt like I could trust them enough to still be with them.

But the "I raped someone and got away with it" type of confession? OUT OF MY LIFE NOW.

This is an interesting attitude. I've read this one multiple times in this thread.

So it's important that he was punished for it in the past and not so much what kind of person he is now?

 

[KoPilot]

So it's important that he was punished for it in the past and not so much what kind of person he is now?

I have a hard time with the idea that he could have completely ruined someone else's life in a matter of minutes, then gone on to live his, accomplishing things, and then completely work through his guilt by not... really doing anything about it. If he could work through it in agonized poetry or some other such romanticized way that doesn't care for actually righting any wrongs, or compensating for the hole you made in the world, then I don't buy that they felt guilty about it to begin with.

I mean, if you don't want to actually talk to anyone about it face-to-face (like a coward), then at least like... spend your life donating to relevant charities. Or SOMETHING. Just fucking do something.

 

[Netzach]

not every soldier walks away from combat with PTSD. Very few of them prefer to talk about it though.

So active duty/part of the giant clusterfuck we benefit from in the guise of a western military industrial complex / dealing with amazing amounts of pressure in a hot zone = raping a random passed out girl on a pile of coats at a party?

 

[KoPilot]

not every soldier walks away from combat with PTSD. Very few of them prefer to talk about it though.

Yeah what

Rapist = war vet, is the statement you just made, fyi

 

[Ropebunny]

So it's important that he was punished for it in the past and not so much what kind of person he is now?

I don't think punishment; I think atonement. Time to reflect on what has happen, to make an possible amends and to work on oneself (with professionals) so that another crime doesn't happen.

Without that, the kind of person hypothetical 'he' would now be is someone I would deem to be unremorseful and dangerous. No amount of 'good' (what you really mean here is non-rape) behaviour is going automatically make someone a safe person, if they have raped in the past.

not every soldier walks away from combat with PTSD. Very few of them prefer to talk about it though.

Too true. I see your correlation and I've got a lot of views surrounding this, but I'm not in the mood for a shitstorm so I'll leave it at that.

 

[Pachet]

No.

I'm trying to explain that it is not a matter of hurting or not hurting someone, but merely the threshold that determines what is still okay and what is not.

no shit.

Said the girl who gets raped in a foreign country, runs to the police there and gets put in jail instead, because rape is not illegal there, but premarital sex is.

Your knowledge about the world is depressingly as accurate as foreigners think about us.

What are you talking about? You make no fucking sense, Primalex. Seriously. Your question was not "which countries allow rape". You didn't say "countries", you said "a world where rape is legal", which I took to mean "the whole world has decided rape is legal", - which I thought was a pointless hypothetical.

If you want to ask my opinion about rape laws in foreign countries, then say so.

 

[Stella_Omega]

it doesn't matter if rape is legal in some country or another.

Rape is horribly close to being legal in the US, when the official reaction to Steubenville is "we gotta teach those boys not to take pictures of themselves raping girls, because it hurts their careers," and Ivy league says that women who call a rape a rape are harming the reputation of the university so the board will call it "assault" instead.

 

[LadyVer]

99.9% of rapists aren't terribly sorry for raping, so I would say fuck you on my way out the door or kicking him out the door.