How's my writing?

[drksideofthemoon]

What if the plot starts developing in future chapters. Like christina and the guy fighting in this chapter will have a relation to something going to happen in the next chapter. And isn't the part about the knowledge picked up of Eva attending a game a start to the plot(dont mention any problem w/ fan-fic thanks ). Was that really drunk bullshitting about Eva. In the next chapter, for example, the guy goes to the game and then bumps into Eva while he was going to the bathroom. They talk and stuff come up and such, I don't know. Any opinions on that? Sorry if I'm repeating the question that is already being answered.

Then why worry a plot at all? Seriously, your plot has to start with the first word. If you what you have written isn't part of the plot, it's uneccessary. And needs to be deleted.

You still haven't explained what the point of your story it.

It can be as simple as this....this is a story that I am working on....

Two main characters, both in early 30's. She is a virgin still.

Her parents have been killed in auto accident, and she has returned home to clean out the house and to decide what direction to go with her life.

The boy she grew up next to still lives next door, he lost his only parent, his mother to cancer.

The story opens with a violent thunderstorm, she is petrified by storms.

The point of this story is to have the characters fall in love, and for him to take her virginity.

That's what my story is going to hang on.

 

[tanyachrs]

A technical point: names, whether given (Chris) or assigned (sweetie), should be set off with commas when the speaker is addressing the person named.

Chris, come here, my angel.

Why should I, idiot?

Because Melissa is puking, butthead.

But, sweetie, you know Mom said I couldn't go into the bathroom.

Mom, is it OK if Chris comes into the bathroom?

Understand, OP?

 

[starrkers]

What if the plot starts developing in future chapters. Like christina and the guy fighting in this chapter will have a relation to something going to happen in the next chapter. And isn't the part about the knowledge picked up of Eva attending a game a start to the plot(dont mention any problem w/ fan-fic thanks ). Was that really drunk bullshitting about Eva. In the next chapter, for example, the guy goes to the game and then bumps into Eva while he was going to the bathroom. They talk and stuff come up and such, I don't know. Any opinions on that? Sorry if I'm repeating the question that is already being answered.

You need something to get the readers' attention from the beginning. Doesn't matter if it's a subplot that dies quietly later on. At the moment no one will read to the future chapters, because there's nothing happening.
What you've got here is something we'd expect to see in a serial TV show about halfway through the season - when characters are known and how they interact is known and this stuff is highlighting little niggles between them.
Because we don't know your characters yet, it means nothing. We have no reference material upon which to judge their actions.

 

[SparxXx]

So your saying my story reads more of a TV style read. Like something you would listen on TV. I guess I wanted more of a TV-series style as a novellas. I'll keep that in mind. And I guess I'll work on making the plot

 

[drksideofthemoon]

So your saying my story reads more of a TV style read. Like something you would listen on TV. I guess I wanted more of a TV-series style as a novellas. I'll keep that in mind. And I guess I'll work on making the plot

Yes, you need a plot before you can do anything at all....

 

[SparxXx]

also about the celebrity thing. I understand that celebrities have to be the celebrities that they are in real life. I did do that in my story so what is the problem. I showed how Eva would attend Tony parker games and stuff.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

also about the celebrity thing. I understand that celebrities have to be the celebrities that they are in real life. I did do that in my story so what is the problem. I showed how Eva would attend Tony parker games and stuff.

The problem with most celebrity stories is that the writer can see the celebrity in their head, but usually they don't convey anything other than a name to the story. They expect that everyone shares their fantasies.

For me personally, Eva Langoria does nothing for me.

 

[SparxXx]

The problem with most celebrity stories is that the writer can see the celebrity in their head, but usually they don't convey anything other than a name to the story. They expect that everyone shares their fantasies.

For me personally, Eva Langoria does nothing for me.

So what if I show who she dates and what movie she was in and so on?

 

[drksideofthemoon]

So what if I show who she dates and what movie she was in and so on?

See, there is the problem...you're not making her interesting...who cares what movie she was in....etc...how does that make her attractive?

 

[SparxXx]

See, there is the problem...you're not making her interesting...who cares what movie she was in....etc...how does that make her attractive?

ohh i seee i get it now

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

SparxXx,
I've been waiting for this to post. These are some of the best writers on Lit, doing viginettes of Celebs in the AH for a mini-contest to guess who they were trying to discribe. Read them and see how they do it and you'll see what we've been trying to tell you.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=22445437#post22445437

 

[SparxXx]

Thanks for the link jeenny I guess I wont try putting in celebs in my story

Anyways here I have a beginning to a story. I don't know what you think of it but please feel free to say whatever you want '

“She is hot!” Brian cried as he shut the front door to my house.

I couldn’t bother asking why she left because I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to handle any more seconds with her. Melissa wasn’t the type to show skin and Brian took note of that ever since their first date. She also happened to be the nerdy type who takes pleasure doing extra calculus problems whenever she has spare time. I didn’t really know why Brian liked her. Yet I’m moping around now as to why I didn’t like her, regretting the time I rejected her when she opened her heart to me, but then again back then she wasn’t the lady she is right now. So I’m thankful that she didn’t put anything against me since.

“You think,” I said. “But don’t you like her more when she was that bookworm?”

“What are you talking about?” Brian snapped. “I like her better now!”

“But she looks like a total slut,” I said. Brian didn’t bother to reply. Knowing him he must have gotten irritated. He put on his brown leather jacket and grabbed his keys from the coffee table. Brian looked at me briefly as he twisted the knob to the front door. He looked quite angry and I decided not to say a word.

“You’re just jealous that I accepted her for the bookworm she was,” said Brian, closing the door behind him. I almost wanted to sarcastically burst out in laughter. I never heard such nonsense coming out of his mouth in my entire life. Brian was the coolest guy I could have ever met, but some of the things he says just made you want to spit fire. He thinks I’m jealous when it was me who hooked him up with Melissa in the first place. I admit, I wish I had her, but I know I ain’t jealous that he has her instead. The doorbell rang. I was guessing that Brian had come to take back what he said. I jumped off the sofa and walked to the door.

I pulled open the door. “Derek!”

“Hey, how’s it going, Shawn,” said Derek, stepping onto the foyer. “Is it hot out there or what!”

 

[SparxXx]

Anyone willing to check out the brief introduction to the story above?

Thank you in advance

 

[johndoe2007]

I coudln't see much wrong with your writing.

Here's how I see it, story is important however these are short stories so you have to fit the story in and make it a tiny bit plausible. That's why I think a lot of people write a series. I personally thinks it's just easier to have a series with a story arc stretching across it.

Although I have been criticised with this a few times. Just decide what your style is.

 

[CharleyH]

Here's how I see it, story is important however these are short stories so you have to fit the story in and make it a tiny bit plausible. That's why I think a lot of people write a series. I personally thinks it's just easier to have a series with a story arc stretching across it.

Although I have been criticised with this a few times. Just decide what your style is.

JJ dually linked this thread with the celebrity one she was discussing earlier (^ up there) so I thought I'd take a peek. No offence, johndoe2007, but I do not agree. Good short story writers NEVER "fit the story in".

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks for the link jeenny I guess I wont try putting in celebs in my story

Anyways here I have a beginning to a story. I don't know what you think of it but please feel free to say whatever you want '

“She is hot!” Brian cried as he shut the front door to my house.

I couldn’t bother asking why she left because I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to handle any more seconds with her. Melissa wasn’t the type to show skin and Brian took note of that ever since their first date. She also happened to be the nerdy type who takes pleasure doing extra calculus problems whenever she has spare time. I didn’t really know why Brian liked her. Yet I’m moping around now as to why I didn’t like her, regretting the time I rejected her when she opened her heart to me, but then again back then she wasn’t the lady she is right now. So I’m thankful that she didn’t put anything against me since.

“You think,” I said. “But don’t you like her more when she was that bookworm?”

“What are you talking about?” Brian snapped. “I like her better now!”

“But she looks like a total slut,” I said. Brian didn’t bother to reply. Knowing him he must have gotten irritated. He put on his brown leather jacket and grabbed his keys from the coffee table. Brian looked at me briefly as he twisted the knob to the front door. He looked quite angry and I decided not to say a word.

“You’re just jealous that I accepted her for the bookworm she was,” said Brian, closing the door behind him. I almost wanted to sarcastically burst out in laughter. I never heard such nonsense coming out of his mouth in my entire life. Brian was the coolest guy I could have ever met, but some of the things he says just made you want to spit fire. He thinks I’m jealous when it was me who hooked him up with Melissa in the first place. I admit, I wish I had her, but I know I ain’t jealous that he has her instead. The doorbell rang. I was guessing that Brian had come to take back what he said. I jumped off the sofa and walked to the door.

I pulled open the door. “Derek!”

“Hey, how’s it going, Shawn,” said Derek, stepping onto the foyer. “Is it hot out there or what!”

(coming over from the writers thread)

I think, if this were my story, I'd have Shawn be lying through his teeth about not being jealous. Here he thinks he's done his bud a favor by handing off a second-rate girl and then he finds out that she's much better than that. He wants her back, even though he tells himself that's not so. That's a great beginning for a plot! Does he get her? Do they both get her? Does she fuck off with the woman in the tricorne hat instead?

Now then, Derek. Why is he in your story? Unless he's about to whip out his dick, don't waste your time having him show up. So to speak.

Is it going to be important that it's hot outside? If it isn't, don't bother talking about it.
Your dialogue has only one purpose, and that is to move the story forward. It can do this by showing us your character's personality, or your character can tell us something we need to know.

"hey, how's it going, Shawn," said Derek, stepping into the foyer. "I just found out that Eva Longoria is going to be at the game tonight!"
You see? Who gives a shit about the weather- Pussy is much more important.

 

[CharleyH]

Who gives a shit about the weather- Pussy is much more important.

What a great quote!!! lol

 

[Vermilion]

Thanks for the link jeenny I guess I wont try putting in celebs in my story

Anyways here I have a beginning to a story. I don't know what you think of it but please feel free to say whatever you want '

“She is hot!” Brian cried as he shut the front door to my house.

I couldn’t bother asking why she left because I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to handle any more seconds with her. Melissa wasn’t the type to show skin and Brian took note of that ever since their first date. She also happened to be the nerdy type who takes pleasure doing extra calculus problems whenever she has spare time. I didn’t really know why Brian liked her. Yet I’m moping around now as to why I didn’t like her, regretting the time I rejected her when she opened her heart to me, but then again back then she wasn’t the lady she is right now. So I’m thankful that she didn’t put anything against me since.

“You think,” I said. “But don’t you like her more when she was that bookworm?”

“What are you talking about?” Brian snapped. “I like her better now!”

“But she looks like a total slut,” I said. Brian didn’t bother to reply. Knowing him he must have gotten irritated. He put on his brown leather jacket and grabbed his keys from the coffee table. Brian looked at me briefly as he twisted the knob to the front door. He looked quite angry and I decided not to say a word.

“You’re just jealous that I accepted her for the bookworm she was,” said Brian, closing the door behind him. I almost wanted to sarcastically burst out in laughter. I never heard such nonsense coming out of his mouth in my entire life. Brian was the coolest guy I could have ever met, but some of the things he says just made you want to spit fire. He thinks I’m jealous when it was me who hooked him up with Melissa in the first place. I admit, I wish I had her, but I know I ain’t jealous that he has her instead. The doorbell rang. I was guessing that Brian had come to take back what he said. I jumped off the sofa and walked to the door.

I pulled open the door. “Derek!”

“Hey, how’s it going, Shawn,” said Derek, stepping onto the foyer. “Is it hot out there or what!”

This is much better, but a couple of little criticisms - firstly (and this may be due to the fact you wrote this quickly) be careful with the flow of your sentences. Don;t be afraid to break long sentences up into shorter sentences if it makes them easier to read.
eg-
Yet I’m moping around now as to why I didn’t like her, regretting the time I rejected her when she opened her heart to me, but then again back then she wasn’t the lady she is right now.

I tried to restructure this to show how it could be better written, but realised that I'm not entirely certain what you are trying to say/what it means. Why is he moping? Is it because he didn't like her? Or because he did? Or because he doesn't know *why* he did/didn't like her?

Secondly - you may even have squeezed a tiny bit *too* much information in here... or at least have tried to say it all at once. Allow the story to build up slowly, don;t have the narrator try and delineate the whole situation in one sentence

Hope this helps
x
V

 

[SparxXx]

Secondly - you may even have squeezed a tiny bit *too* much information in here... or at least have tried to say it all at once. Allow the story to build up slowly, don;t have the narrator try and delineate the whole situation in one sentence


V

What do you mean by this?

 

[SparxXx]

I coudln't see much wrong with your writing.

Here's how I see it, story is important however these are short stories so you have to fit the story in and make it a tiny bit plausible. That's why I think a lot of people write a series. I personally thinks it's just easier to have a series with a story arc stretching across it.

Although I have been criticised with this a few times. Just decide what your style is.

I guess I forgot to mention that this is going to be a series

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

What do you mean by this?

The great lady in the red shoes was telling your to make you sentences short and concise, SparxXx. Long, complex sentences lead to lack of interest and confustion for the readers.

 

[SparxXx]

The great lady in the red shoes was telling your to make you sentences short and concise, SparxXx. Long, complex sentences lead to lack of interest and confustion for the readers.

Oh i see okay thanks. SO jenny whats your comments on my new and improved story?

 

[JamesSD]

Anyways here I have a beginning to a story. I don't know what you think of it but please feel free to say whatever you want '

“She is hot!” Brian cried as he shut the front door to my house.

I couldn’t bother asking why she left because I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to handle any more seconds with her. Melissa wasn’t the type to show skin and Brian took note of that ever since their first date. She also happened to be the nerdy type who takes pleasure doing extra calculus problems whenever she has spare time. I didn’t really know why Brian liked her. Yet I’m moping around now as to why I didn’t like her, regretting the time I rejected her when she opened her heart to me, but then again back then she wasn’t the lady she is right now. So I’m thankful that she didn’t put anything against me since.

“You think,” I said. “But don’t you like her more when she was that bookworm?”

“What are you talking about?” Brian snapped. “I like her better now!”

“But she looks like a total slut,” I said. Brian didn’t bother to reply. Knowing him he must have gotten irritated. He put on his brown leather jacket and grabbed his keys from the coffee table. Brian looked at me briefly as he twisted the knob to the front door. He looked quite angry and I decided not to say a word.

“You’re just jealous that I accepted her for the bookworm she was,” said Brian, closing the door behind him. I almost wanted to sarcastically burst out in laughter. I never heard such nonsense coming out of his mouth in my entire life. Brian was the coolest guy I could have ever met, but some of the things he says just made you want to spit fire. He thinks I’m jealous when it was me who hooked him up with Melissa in the first place. I admit, I wish I had her, but I know I ain’t jealous that he has her instead. The doorbell rang. I was guessing that Brian had come to take back what he said. I jumped off the sofa and walked to the door.

I pulled open the door. “Derek!”

“Hey, how’s it going, Shawn,” said Derek, stepping onto the foyer. “Is it hot out there or what!”

The second paragraph is confusing. There might be some interesting characterization there, but it's really unclear. Did Melissa just leave?

I do like the unreliable narrator. He's clearly lying to himself, and hence the reader, about now finding Melissa attractive following her transformation in appearance from "bookworm" to "slut". I assume those feelings will be further explored, and the focus of the story.

Dropping another character, Derek, in so soon is probably a mistake, unless Derek's purpose is simply to relay a message or advance the plot in some way. Writing one fleshed out character is difficult, and you've already introduced four characters in half a dozen paragraphs.

I think it would be helpful if you posted a summary of the plot of the story along with your bits of writing, or at least what genre you have in mind.

There are a lot of grammatical issues. Try reading each sentence out loud to yourself and seeing if you'd actually talk that way. Example: “But don’t you like her more when she was that bookworm?” has tense issues. You either need to change don't to didn't, or change was to is (although that doesn't really sound right either).

 

[yukonnights]

I'm no expert, but I do recall my college lit professor stressing the importance of the theme in any story. I think that is what drksideofthemoon is saying about "what is the point of the story". In other words, even before you develop the plot what do you want to say about the general condition of mankind through your plot and characters. Seems that I recall my prof. saying; no theme = no story. Your characters should discover something about themselves or life in general through you story. Then we can all learn the same things right along with them. Hope that helps.

 

[SparxXx]

This was going to be in the novel/novellas genre therefore I'm guessing I'll have multiple plots. The whole point of the series is to show the life of the narrator. I don't see any real point but just to make the story interesting to read. I guess I'll work on the dialogue more and a lot of people gave me advice on how grammar isn't an issue in the beginning. A quick summary for now is that the narrator is jealous of Brian. Moreover problems arise further into the chapter that involves Melissa. It could be something not related to the narrator's jealousy, but who knows. I don't really know what else to say. Can a novellas have one main plot?