How's my writing?

[drksideofthemoon]

Thank you DRK..that means so much I guess I'm on the right track with this one.

You're welcome. I'm quite impressed with your determination.

 

[jomar]

Okay I read through DRK opinions and I completely changed my story...This new and improved one has a better plot to it and has less rambling.

Sorry if I taking this thread as an advantage to edit stories but I really need a lot of opinions from varies people. Sending the story to some editor ends up w/ me having to email them every week because I never hear from them.

Hope this new one shows some improvement And Thanks all for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.


“Be back in a sec.”

Something about the dress code must have gotten ripped off. I know for sure an outfit like that wasn’t allowed in such an environment. There are working men around here. You can’t have a woman like that walking around in her high heels trying to get our attention because before we know it our asses would be outside begging for money. This was no typical secretary to me. She was a close friend, so close that any desires I may have upon her would be immoral. I have been working here as a sales associate for a few months now. After graduating with a good enough degree I insisted on taking whatever job I could find. I could careless about the salary because I knew for a fact I didn’t want to become those individuals who try to find a job with the highest pay and end up with nothing. It was like climbing a ladder. You start from the ground bottom and make your way up to the top. The problem was that for a few this ladder had an obstacle and many might as well let it push them off. What I’m saying here is the woman I have known since grade school had the power to take some of my colleagues and set them on fire, sort of speak.

My mind was swirling with thoughts as I neatly stacked my papers into my briefcase. I never would have thought the corruption this company had planned all along. I still had that one paper; that one paper that Mike gave me before he left the company with his box full of dreams. I knew I shouldn’t have lied to Roy. This is his job we were talking about. However, if I told him exactly what was on this paper I might as well be spreading the word. This was something Mike trusted me on and if I were to tell Roy I don’t think I would be able to live with myself. How could my closest friend do something like this? You just can’t play with someone’s mind like that. Like I said before, there are working men around here. I just had to do this. I had to know the details to Roy’s potential outcome. Some people I have talked to had been calling me the company spy. But I don’t think I’m being a spy here. It is just for my personal curiosity. I needed to know if what Mike told me was true. Can a corporation of this caliber have such a scandal in works? I knew Mr. Greg had something up his sleeves ever since he took control of this division. He got contractors to install security cameras all around the department. Even in employee washrooms. Is he trying to watch our every move? I don’t even know where we are being watched. It’s not like Mr. Greg has a set of screens built in the walls of his office. Somebody out there was keeping a close eye on us and I have a hint that this room, in particular, was being watched much more closely.

I reached into my dress pants pocket and felt the answer to all my questions. It was a rather small device, about the size of an mp3 player. It was capable of being turned on wirelessly from a distance of about fifty feet. The key feature was its ability to record five hours worth of video within its memory. It possessed a tiny microphone embedded within the device to my surprise can record understandable conversations from a few meters away. I attached a magnet to the metal surface of the device so that it can be fixed to an outside surface of one of the many unusual amount of cameras allocated throughout this secretary office. The problem was that whoever was watching me right now through those cameras would clearly see what I was doing. What was I suppose to do? Risk it and hope that the watcher never saw it. I pretty sure that’s a risk not worth taking. I had one option, though. I could pull out the device and attach it to the metal bar underneath the desk. I won’t see what’s happening, but certainly will be able to hear it. I thought about it for a sec then shifted the chair closer to the desk allowing my entire thighs to be underneath the desk. This made sure nothing would be seen. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the tiny camera. I felt the force of the magnet snapping itself to the bar.

“Okay so I got the files faxed to headquarters. Mr. Greg will be expecting a response by next week,” said Melissa, entering the room from the door behind me rather unexpectedly.

“Alright so I guess I’ll take leave then,” I said, getting up from my chair.

“Wait Shawn,” said Melissa, anxiously grabbing my arm. I glanced at her eyes through those black framed glasses. Her desperate grab felt so seductive. I just wanted to reverse the grab and pull her towards me. Her curvy body hard against me with that smoothing scent of hers filling my nose. It’s hard for anyone to resist such a temptation; a temptation that would be downright disgustful if I let it take control over me.

One thing to think about on Lit is to keep the paragraphs to 6 to 8 lines (is what I've been told). A huge paragraph on a computer screen is tough on the eyes. In the latest story I'm writing I set the margins in MSWord to mimic the width of the Lit page and that helped me keep it in mind.

 

[jomar]

to review your stories.

As you can see now. Miss a comma or a semi colon and they are all over your for it.

Maybe this website has become nothing more then a place for sexually frustrated people.

As you can see from Darksides comments. His comments are usually laced with mean comments

It's hard to catch all the details and get them right, but if you do the mechanics are invisible. If not, you can stumble over them and it can take you out of a story.

I've not seen drkside to be mean. His advice is direct, and maybe too blunt for some. But mean? No.

 

[SparxXx]

Yeah JOmar i'll keep the paragraph thing in mind. Thanks

 

[drksideofthemoon]

to review your stories.

As you can see now. Miss a comma or a semi colon and they are all over your for it.

Maybe this website has become nothing more then a place for sexually frustrated people.

As you can see from Darksides comments. His comments are usually laced with mean comments

I'm not an editor. I'm not mean, I'm trying to help writers who are really trying to improve their writing skills. What's the point of giving someone false praise? Sparxx here is a great example, he is starting to get it.

I've seen your comments before blaming everyone under the sun for your rejected stories. Look in the mirror, that's where the fault lies.

 

[SparxXx]

I was wondering if I can post the completed version of my story on this thread so authors can edit and provide feedback. I jsut can't wait to submit it to lit.

I hate having to go through that volunteer editior system. Editors would PM me willing to edit but wont stick to their word. I know there doing it for the goodness in their heart but why PM me when you know you wont have time to edit it. It seems much easier to post it here and have random people read it and post their feedback/opinions.

 

[SparxXx]

Heyy

I was wondering if any editors/authors can edit my completed work for grammar, spelling, and anything else I need to improve on. I feel really confident with my work right now and wish to submit to lit as soon as possible.

Please don't ask to edit it if you won't stick to your word and I'd appreciate it if I got back in a day or two fully edited.


Thanks