How's my writing?

[tickledkitty]

I'm a dreaded noob myself, so not sure you want my opinion. I'm learning right along with you though, and I know what I like to read, so here it is anyway.

Ok, overall, I thought your second piece was better than the first. However, with both of them I was wondering who these people are. Are they friends, brothers, sisters...what? I want to know who they are and what their relationships are. It seemed like you were just throwing out random names to me. I don't think it would require a big explanation. You could just say "my friend, Shawn..." for example, instead of just saying "Shawn." I hope that makes sense. Since there was no explanation of who/what these people are, you didn't hold my interest. I think this is all part of grabbing the reader right at the beginning.

If I've reiterated what's already been said, I apologize! There was a lot of good information in this thread and a lot to take in. Thanks for sharing everyone. It's great that you can help other people besides the person asking the question.

 

[SparxXx]

That is good advice tickledkitty. I guess I should show how each character is related in the beginning. I don't know if its only you but if you can't then I guess I'm doing something wrong. Readers always comes first. Thanks for the reply and I appreciate everyone for giving random thoughts about my story. They are helping a lot. Thanks again

 

[Masterofsmiles]

You shouldn't ask the editors here

to review your stories.

As you can see now. Miss a comma or a semi colon and they are all over your for it.

Maybe this website has become nothing more then a place for sexually frustrated people.

As you can see from Darksides comments. His comments are usually laced with mean comments

 

[SparxXx]

Yeah or maybe that's the way they trying to help lol

 

[Pen_Dragon]

to review your stories.

As you can see now. Miss a comma or a semi colon and they are all over your for it.

Maybe this website has become nothing more then a place for sexually frustrated people.

As you can see from Darksides comments. His comments are usually laced with mean comments

Your first, second, third, and fifth sentences are incomplete. Your final sentence should not use the same word twice. You might want to try something like this: "His comments have a hint of unkindness."

Don't worry, you're doing fine. You'll be able to write readable posts in no time!

 

[SparxXx]

Your first, second, third, and fifth sentences are incomplete. Your final sentence should not use the same word twice. You might want to try something like this: "His comments have a hint of unkindness."

Don't worry, you're doing fine. You'll be able to write readable posts in no time!

I'll fix that, Thanks

 

[SparxXx]

Here is the more in length story. Hope readers think it's interesting. Thanks again for all your help.

“She is the one!” Brian cried as he shut the front door to my house.

I couldn’t bother asking why she left because I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to handle any more seconds with her. Melissa wasn’t the type to show skin and Brian took note of that ever since their first date. She also happened to be the nerdy type who takes pleasure doing extra calculus problems whenever she has spare time. I didn’t really know why Brian liked her. Yet I’m the one moping around now regretting the time I rejected her when she opened her heart to me, but then again back then she wasn’t the lady she is right now. So I guess I should be thankful she didn’t put anything against me since.

“You think,” I said. “But didn’t you like her more when she was that bookworm?”

“What are you talking about?” Brian snapped. “She is still that bookworm.”

“But she looks like a total slut now,” I said. Brian didn’t bother to reply. Knowing him he must have gotten irritated. He grabbed his keys from the coffee table in front of me, keeping his eyes away from me and headed back to the foyer to put on his shoes. Brian looked at me briefly as he twisted the knob to the front door. He looked quite angry and I decided not to say a single word.

“You’re just jealous that I accepted her for the bookworm she is,” said Brian, closing the door behind him. I almost wanted to sarcastically burst out in laughter. I never heard such nonsense coming out of his mouth in my entire life. Brian was a good friend. But some of the things he says just made you want to spit fire. He thinks I’m jealous when it was me who hooked him up with Melissa in the first place. I admit I wish I had her, but I’m sure I ain’t jealous that he has her instead. The doorbell suddenly rang. I was guessing that Brian had come to take back what he said. I jumped off the sofa with a slight smirk on my face.

I pulled open the front door. “Derek!”

“Hey, how’s it going, Shawn,” said Derek, stepping onto the foyer in his khaki sandals. “Is it hot out there or what!”

“I suppose that’s why you’re half naked at my front door,” I smiled.

“That! And Chrissi has my shirt,” laughed Derek.

Derek was the hottest guy on the block after me of course. And our friend Christina was one of the most gorgeous woman anyone could ever meet. That face of hers made you go insane. It is that cute. However, for some reason she wasn’t my type or Derek’s for that matter. What a bummer!

“Where is she now?” I asked closing the door as Derek slipped out of his sandals.

“I dropped her by the mall with some of her friends. I could have joined them. But she wouldn’t give me back my shirt.”

I smiled. “And she has your shirt, why…”

“It’s a long story. Don’t worry about it,” said Derek.

“Okay…” I said confused. “Anyways… what brings you here?”

“Thought I’d just crash in. Where’s Brian?”

“They left a couple minutes ago.”

“They?” Derek said, puzzled. “Who else was here?”

“Melissa,” I said.

“Melissa!” shouted Derek. “Melissa was here!”

You wouldn’t believe Derek. It was like the sound of her name put him into a state of shock, not to mention that he awkwardly began breathing heavily. It was like her name sent a tingle down his spine all the way to his crotch. I wonder what would happen if Derek came earlier. What would Derek be thinking when he sees the features of Melissa? What would Melissa be thinking when she sees the half naked body of Derek? No doubt Brian would get green-eyed over Derek’s muscularity and scream for him to put on a shirt the second he entered the house. He’d then immediately drag Melissa and himself out of the house. All I’d be doing is laughing so hard at the situation.

“Oh boy!” Derek sighed, faintly closing his eyes for a second.

“Okay man. Don’t be coming on to me thinking that I’m Melissa,” I joked, raising my hand in front of me.

“That woman has changed!” scolded Derek.

“You telling me,” I questioned. “I knew her since grade school.”

“Yeah, but damn, how much can a woman change in a month. It makes you wonder why she still dates Brian. I’m still available.”

He was still available? What about me? I’m still available. I should be getting top priority.

“Knowing you, you’ll fuck her the minute you get the chance to,” I gagged in a slight irritated tone.

“That’s what I’m talking about. Who wouldn’t seize that kind of opportunity? I even joked with Brian last night about how I’ll rape her if he didn’t take her virginity by the end of this month.”

“Kinda hard to believe she still a virgin,” I said.

“Pretty much. But I’m sure she’s too in love with Brian to be cheating on him and Brian is just too in love with her to send it to the next level. This love shit blows. You can’t love something like that. You can only fuck it or be fucked by it,” laughed Derek.

“I get what you mean,” I smiled. He was right. Brian was an idiot who is letting the love he has for Melissa get in the way of the real deal. He thinks I’m jealous when in fact he has no clue why I’m jealous or even if I’m jealous. If it were up to Derek he’d take her the instant they were alone, but I know he’ll never ever get a chance to seize such an opportunity like that.

“So Shawn, I bet you’re beating yourself up right now eh?”

“About what,” I said, knowing exactly what he met.

“About Melissa and all. Didn’t she like you?”

“Yeah…so…”

“What do you mean, so,” said Derek. “You could have scored, man.”

“Okay…but she wasn’t how she is now.”

“Come on, man, she could have been willing to. Nobody changes like that without having some thoughts of having sex beforehand. Why else would she even change like that in the first place?”

“Maybe she is trying to impress Brian,” I said.

“Or maybe she is trying to impress guys like us,” said Derek.

 

[SparxXx]

Do I have too much dialogue? Do they even make any sense? can you understand the plot? What should I improve on now?

Thanks

 

[SparxXx]

Can anyone help please Will mean so much

 

[JamesSD]

Do I have too much dialogue? Do they even make any sense? can you understand the plot? What should I improve on now?

Thanks

It's much clearer than before. I don't think it's too much dialog, as dialog is a great tool for storytelling.

I think you should just sit down and write 1,000-2,000 words, more if you're feeling it, to really lay the groundwork. I assume you're planning an "on-page" interaction between Melissa and the narrator in the very near future. I think there's a decent story here, but work hard to advance the plot. You can always fill in more details as you re-write it.

 

[SparxXx]

Is it possible to write entire dialogues w/o any narrations such a personal thoughts and stuff?

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Is it possible to write entire dialogues w/o any narrations such a personal thoughts and stuff?

Yes. What do you think a play is?

 

[SparxXx]

Lol never thought about the play. Anyways jenny I'm still wondering how is my modifed story? Seeing that you're the one who isn't scared to express whatever is in your mind

And also thanks jamesSD for that postive feedback. very inspiring

 

[SparxXx]

Anyone willing to express some feedback on my latest improvement of my story. All the help I got here really, to my mind, made my writing better That is why I'm begging for more feedback Remember there is always something in return, another new lit story. which you helped out in.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

She is the one!” Brian cried as he shut the front door to my house.

I couldn’t bother asking why she left because I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to handle any more seconds with her. Melissa wasn’t the type to show skin and Brian took note of that ever since their first date. She also happened to be the nerdy type who takes pleasure doing extra calculus problems whenever she has spare time. I didn’t really know why Brian liked her. Yet I’m the one moping around now regretting the time I rejected her when she opened her heart to me, but then again back then she wasn’t the lady she is right now. So I guess I should be thankful she didn’t put anything against me since.

The first sentence in this paragraph is horrible. It's very awkward. Why does the fact that she doesn't 'show skin' bother you? The sentence about the calculus problems is awkward as well. The rest of paragraph simply makes no sense.

“You think,” I said. “But didn’t you like her more when she was that bookworm?”

“What are you talking about?” Brian snapped. “She is still that bookworm.”

“But she looks like a total slut now,” I said. Brian didn’t bother to reply. Knowing him he must have gotten irritated. He grabbed his keys from the coffee table in front of me, keeping his eyes away from me and headed back to the foyer to put on his shoes. Brian looked at me briefly as he twisted the knob to the front door. He looked quite angry and I decided not to say a single word.

This paragraph is awkward as well.

“You’re just jealous that I accepted her for the bookworm she is,” said Brian, closing the door behind him. I almost wanted to sarcastically burst out in laughter. I never heard such nonsense coming out of his mouth in my entire life. Brian was a good friend. But some of the things he says just made you want to spit fire. He thinks I’m jealous when it was me who hooked him up with Melissa in the first place. I admit I wish I had her, but I’m sure I ain’t jealous that he has her instead. The doorbell suddenly rang. I was guessing that Brian had come to take back what he said. I jumped off the sofa with a slight smirk on my face.

Another rambling paragrah that makes little sense.

I pulled open the front door. “Derek!”

“Hey, how’s it going, Shawn,” said Derek, stepping onto the foyer in his khaki sandals. “Is it hot out there or what!”

“I suppose that’s why you’re half naked at my front door,” I smiled.

“That! And Chrissi has my shirt,” laughed Derek.

Derek was the hottest guy on the block after me of course. And our friend Christina was one of the most gorgeous woman anyone could ever meet. That face of hers made you go insane. It is that cute. However, for some reason she wasn’t my type or Derek’s for that matter. What a bummer!

More babbling....there is no point being made. Why isn't Christina your type or Derek's?

“Where is she now?” I asked closing the door as Derek slipped out of his sandals.

“I dropped her by the mall with some of her friends. I could have joined them. But she wouldn’t give me back my shirt.”

I smiled. “And she has your shirt, why…”

“It’s a long story. Don’t worry about it,” said Derek.

“Okay…” I said confused. “Anyways… what brings you here?”

“Thought I’d just crash in. Where’s Brian?”

“They left a couple minutes ago.”

“They?” Derek said, puzzled. “Who else was here?”

“Melissa,” I said.

The dialog feels really forced and unatural.


“Melissa!” shouted Derek. “Melissa was here!”

You wouldn’t believe Derek. It was like the sound of her name put him into a state of shock, not to mention that he awkwardly began breathing heavily. It was like her name sent a tingle down his spine all the way to his crotch. I wonder what would happen if Derek came earlier. What would Derek be thinking when he sees the features of Melissa? What would Melissa be thinking when she sees the half naked body of Derek? No doubt Brian would get green-eyed over Derek’s muscularity and scream for him to put on a shirt the second he entered the house. He’d then immediately drag Melissa and himself out of the house. All I’d be doing is laughing so hard at the situation.

More rambling on.

“Oh boy!” Derek sighed, faintly closing his eyes for a second.

“Okay man. Don’t be coming on to me thinking that I’m Melissa,” I joked, raising my hand in front of me.

“That woman has changed!” scolded Derek.

“You telling me,” I questioned. “I knew her since grade school.”

“Yeah, but damn, how much can a woman change in a month. It makes you wonder why she still dates Brian. I’m still available.”

He was still available? What about me? I’m still available. I should be getting top priority.

“Knowing you, you’ll fuck her the minute you get the chance to,” I gagged in a slight irritated tone.

“That’s what I’m talking about. Who wouldn’t seize that kind of opportunity? I even joked with Brian last night about how I’ll rape her if he didn’t take her virginity by the end of this month.”

This is just crap...you'd rape a girl if your friend doesn't take her virginity in a certain time frame???

“Kinda hard to believe she still a virgin,” I said.

“Pretty much. But I’m sure she’s too in love with Brian to be cheating on him and Brian is just too in love with her to send it to the next level. This love shit blows. You can’t love something like that. You can only fuck it or be fucked by it,” laughed Derek.

The only that blows more than love is this paragraph.

“I get what you mean,” I smiled. He was right. Brian was an idiot who is letting the love he has for Melissa get in the way of the real deal. He thinks I’m jealous when in fact he has no clue why I’m jealous or even if I’m jealous. If it were up to Derek he’d take her the instant they were alone, but I know he’ll never ever get a chance to seize such an opportunity like that.

“So Shawn, I bet you’re beating yourself up right now eh?”

“About what,” I said, knowing exactly what he met.

“About Melissa and all. Didn’t she like you?”

“Yeah…so…”

“What do you mean, so,” said Derek. “You could have scored, man.”

“Okay…but she wasn’t how she is now.”

“Come on, man, she could have been willing to. Nobody changes like that without having some thoughts of having sex beforehand. Why else would she even change like that in the first place?”

“Maybe she is trying to impress Brian,” I said.

“Or maybe she is trying to impress guys like us,” said Derek.

Oh yeah, chicks are going to be trying to outdo each other trying to impress the Three Stooges.

I'm going to put it to you plain and simple. This is simply awful. There's no purpose to it. If you're serious about writing you need to take some classes, or find a very patient editor who is willing to teach you how to write.

 

[SparxXx]

WOW didnt know it was that bad

DAMMIT

 

[drksideofthemoon]

WOW didnt know it was that bad

DAMMIT

It is bad, sorry I don't take any joy in telling you that.

On the positive side, you have improved, and you have stuck with it.

What is the point to what you are writing? What are you trying to show or tell the reader?

 

[SparxXx]

So what I'm getting here is that writing literotica stories shouldn't be stuff they script for TV series right? I think that is how I'm doing it, therefore there is some useless conversations and stuff. And how do I stuff forcing dialogue. I also can sense that problem w/ forcing characters to say stuff, but I just cant seem to stop it.

 

[SparxXx]

ANyone else have opinions on the new story

 

[SparxXx]

ANyonee????

 

[_Lynn_]

ANyone else have opinions on the new story

Drk is smart and an excellent Author. I would listen to his opinions.

After reading it, I felt a lot of the paragraphs read pretty odd. Stilted, perhaps, even.

I won't do any break-down, since he did that already, but keep after it.

Take the comments and learn from them.

 

[SparxXx]

Okay I read through DRK opinions and I completely changed my story...This new and improved one has a better plot to it and has less rambling.

Sorry if I taking this thread as an advantage to edit stories but I really need a lot of opinions from varies people. Sending the story to some editor ends up w/ me having to email them every week because I never hear from them.

Hope this new one shows some improvement And Thanks all for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.


“Be back in a sec.”

Something about the dress code must have gotten ripped off. I know for sure an outfit like that wasn’t allowed in such an environment. There are working men around here. You can’t have a woman like that walking around in her high heels trying to get our attention because before we know it our asses would be outside begging for money. This was no typical secretary to me. She was a close friend, so close that any desires I may have upon her would be immoral. I have been working here as a sales associate for a few months now. After graduating with a good enough degree I insisted on taking whatever job I could find. I could careless about the salary because I knew for a fact I didn’t want to become those individuals who try to find a job with the highest pay and end up with nothing. It was like climbing a ladder. You start from the ground bottom and make your way up to the top. The problem was that for a few this ladder had an obstacle and many might as well let it push them off. What I’m saying here is the woman I have known since grade school had the power to take some of my colleagues and set them on fire, sort of speak.

My mind was swirling with thoughts as I neatly stacked my papers into my briefcase. I never would have thought the corruption this company had planned all along. I still had that one paper; that one paper that Mike gave me before he left the company with his box full of dreams. I knew I shouldn’t have lied to Roy. This is his job we were talking about. However, if I told him exactly what was on this paper I might as well be spreading the word. This was something Mike trusted me on and if I were to tell Roy I don’t think I would be able to live with myself. How could my closest friend do something like this? You just can’t play with someone’s mind like that. Like I said before, there are working men around here. I just had to do this. I had to know the details to Roy’s potential outcome. Some people I have talked to had been calling me the company spy. But I don’t think I’m being a spy here. It is just for my personal curiosity. I needed to know if what Mike told me was true. Can a corporation of this caliber have such a scandal in works? I knew Mr. Greg had something up his sleeves ever since he took control of this division. He got contractors to install security cameras all around the department. Even in employee washrooms. Is he trying to watch our every move? I don’t even know where we are being watched. It’s not like Mr. Greg has a set of screens built in the walls of his office. Somebody out there was keeping a close eye on us and I have a hint that this room, in particular, was being watched much more closely.

I reached into my dress pants pocket and felt the answer to all my questions. It was a rather small device, about the size of an mp3 player. It was capable of being turned on wirelessly from a distance of about fifty feet. The key feature was its ability to record five hours worth of video within its memory. It possessed a tiny microphone embedded within the device to my surprise can record understandable conversations from a few meters away. I attached a magnet to the metal surface of the device so that it can be fixed to an outside surface of one of the many unusual amount of cameras allocated throughout this secretary office. The problem was that whoever was watching me right now through those cameras would clearly see what I was doing. What was I suppose to do? Risk it and hope that the watcher never saw it. I pretty sure that’s a risk not worth taking. I had one option, though. I could pull out the device and attach it to the metal bar underneath the desk. I won’t see what’s happening, but certainly will be able to hear it. I thought about it for a sec then shifted the chair closer to the desk allowing my entire thighs to be underneath the desk. This made sure nothing would be seen. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the tiny camera. I felt the force of the magnet snapping itself to the bar.

“Okay so I got the files faxed to headquarters. Mr. Greg will be expecting a response by next week,” said Melissa, entering the room from the door behind me rather unexpectedly.

“Alright so I guess I’ll take leave then,” I said, getting up from my chair.

“Wait Shawn,” said Melissa, anxiously grabbing my arm. I glanced at her eyes through those black framed glasses. Her desperate grab felt so seductive. I just wanted to reverse the grab and pull her towards me. Her curvy body hard against me with that smoothing scent of hers filling my nose. It’s hard for anyone to resist such a temptation; a temptation that would be downright disgustful if I let it take control over me.

 

[SparxXx]

anybody?...DRK what you think?

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Okay I read through DRK opinions and I completely changed my story...This new and improved one has a better plot to it and has less rambling.

Sorry if I taking this thread as an advantage to edit stories but I really need a lot of opinions from varies people. Sending the story to some editor ends up w/ me having to email them every week because I never hear from them.

Hope this new one shows some improvement And Thanks all for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.


“Be back in a sec.”

Something about the dress code must have gotten ripped off. I know for sure an outfit like that wasn’t allowed in such an environment. There are working men around here. You can’t have a woman like that walking around in her high heels trying to get our attention because before we know it our asses would be outside begging for money. This was no typical secretary to me. She was a close friend, so close that any desires I may have upon her would be immoral. I have been working here as a sales associate for a few months now.(Insert paragraph break here as you have changed the subject)

After graduating with a good enough degree(tell us what the degree was) I insisted on taking whatever job I could find. I could care less (careless and care less are two different meanings)about the salary because I knew for a fact I didn’t want to become those individuals who try to find a job with the highest pay and end up with nothing. It was like climbing a ladder. You start from the ground bottom(choose one, ground or bottom) and make your way up to the top. The problem was that for a few this ladder had an obstacle and many might as well let it push them off. What I’m saying here is the woman I have known since grade school had the power to take some of my colleagues and set them on fire, sort of speak.

My mind was swirling with thoughts as I neatly stacked my papers into my briefcase. I never would have imagined the corruption was so rife in the company. I still had that one paper; that one paper that Mike gave me before he left the company with his box full of dreams. I knew I shouldn’t have lied to Roy. This is his job we were talking about. However, if I told him exactly what was on this paper I might as well be spreading the word. This was something Mike trusted me with, and if I were to tell Roy I don’t think I would be able to live with myself. How could my closest friend do something like this? You just can’t play with someone’s mind like that. Like I said before, there are working men around here. I just had to do this. I had to know the details to Roy’s potential outcome.

Some people I have talked to had been calling me the company spy. But I don’t think I’m being a spy here. It is just for my personal curiosity. I needed to know if what Mike told me was true. Can a corporation of this caliber have such a scandal in works? I knew Mr. Greg had something up his sleeves ever since he took control of this division. He got contractors to install security cameras all around the department. Even in employee washrooms.(This is illegal) Is he trying to watch our every move? I don’t even know where we are being watched. It’s not like Mr. Greg has a set of screens built in the walls of his office. Somebody out there was keeping a close eye on us and I have a hint that this room, in particular, was being watched much more closely.

I reached into my dress pants pocket and felt the answer to all my questions. It was a rather small device, about the size of an mp3 player. It was capable of being turned on wirelessly from a distance of about fifty feet. The key feature was its ability to record five hours worth of video within its memory. It possessed a tiny microphone embedded within the device to my surprise can record understandable conversations from a few meters away. I attached a magnet to the metal surface of the device so that it can be fixed to an outside surface of one of the many unusual amount of cameras allocated throughout this secretary office. The problem was that whoever was watching me right now through those cameras would clearly see what I was doing. What was I suppose to do? Risk it and hope that the watcher never saw it. I pretty sure that’s a risk not worth taking. I had one option, though. I could pull out the device and attach it to the metal bar underneath the desk. I won’t see what’s happening, but certainly will be able to hear it. I thought about it for a sec then shifted the chair closer to the desk allowing my entire thighs to be underneath the desk. This made sure nothing would be seen. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the tiny camera. I felt the force of the magnet snapping itself to the bar.

“Okay so I got the files faxed to headquarters. Mr. Greg will be expecting a response by next week,” said Melissa, entering the room from the door behind me rather unexpectedly.

“Alright so I guess I’ll take leave then,” I said, getting up from my chair.

“Wait Shawn,” said Melissa, anxiously grabbing my arm. I glanced at her eyes through those black framed glasses. Her desperate grab felt so seductive. I just wanted to reverse the grab and pull her towards me. Her curvy body hard against me with that smoothing scent of hers filling my nose. It’s hard for anyone to resist such a temptation; a temptation that would be downright disgustful if I let it take control over me.

Much better. I found this interesting. It makes me want to know what you know.

 

[SparxXx]

Thank you DRK..that means so much I guess I'm on the right track with this one.