Hyperchallenge

[perks]

And you say that NOW?!

that's me, always adding "crazy" to the mix.

 

[The_Fool]

Like fawnie, I think I've got the scheme and iambic bouncing right, but I'd need a second opinion from the gurus of the form...


hyperpyrexia
first draft

again I let the fire lick my face
again and over, taste that terror light
to dance across what sulphur stains ignite
as sense surrenders, fall to this embrace

a struggling but domesticated brain
run high on holy endorphines and heat
while razor rape is mocking my defeat
and torture tastes like kisses and cocaine

I turn the lever, peak the spikes of pain
but once again, an effort incomplete
to trigger yet another quantum leap

again I pray for bubbles in a vein
a final trojan horse to still the beat
to rinse this heart or let me fall asleep

I scour the void in pandemonic pace
a panic point, a pressure spinning sprite
ignited blood in teasing tickle blight
submerging stalemate sweet in purple haze

so please release this vice and cut me deep
restore my neural hurt and let me weep

First line is one syllable short.

"again I let the fire lick my face"

Quick fix would be:

"again I let the fire lick at my face"

or "on" for "at"

Any way, you need one more syllable, otherwise, your iambic is tight, man!

 

[The_Fool]

ow.



(sure Lauren, blame me--like you don't love this!)

es

Why not?

I always think it's your fault when it comes to forms. Especially anything related to sonnets....

 

[perks]

First line is one syllable short.

"again I let the fire lick my face"

Quick fix would be:

"again I let the fire lick at my face"

or "on" for "at"

Any way, you need one more syllable, otherwise, your iambic is tight, man!

he says "fire" in two syllables, I know it.

a-gain I let the Fi errr lick my face

it's tight.

 

[The_Fool]

Re: hyper plasmic love (a practice run)

~~~~~~
it stings me like a frost, a freeze of years,
so bold it stands, without a need to mend
it's said that time, is now to me my friend,
how long new love, be lost within my fears?

to say I need, is much to strong a word,
but truth be told my life now feels in vain
escape relents, I yield my life to pain,
forget the facts, and all the things i've heard.

forever love, I wish could be deferred,
some things our will can't stop and time sustains
this is the truth, the facts that walk with me.

I hide the hurt, the loss, but grieving stirred,
someday real soon, to count this all as gain
my chains removed, yes, walk the earth as free.

each night I step outside, your ghost appears.
I search the stars, but still I can't pretend,
my heart sincere, for you my love no end.
the moon shines bright, a light to dry my tears.

when all is said and done, my love will be,
true love that walks, through all eternity.
~~~~~~
anyone awake who can tell me if i got it right?
and maybe help with punuation..i'm finding that kind of tricky..and this is just a practice run, so dont mind the simplicity, i shoot for more elaborate later after i know what i'm doing!
thanks!!

Counting Iambic on fingers five times was done correctly....

I noticed an i've for I've somewhere.

 

[perks]

Why not?

I always think it's your fault when it comes to forms. Especially anything related to sonnets....

check out my form...

oh, we're talking about poetry... nevermind.

 

[Eumenides]

Actually, I think that it works either way. We humans are rather adaptable, and with such clear meter, if you leave the "at" out, we would read fire as two syllables, and if you add it in we'd read it as one.

 

[The_Fool]

Actually, I think that it works either way. We humans are rather adaptable, and with such clear meter, if you leave the "at" out, we would read fire as two syllables, and if you add it in we'd read it as one.

Agreed, I caught it on the third read. Missed it the first two.

 

[The_Fool]

check out my form...

oh, we're talking about poetry... nevermind.

Always checking your form.....

 

[perks]

Always checking your form.....

ddd licious, there's no pentameter there, damnit.

 

[Liar]

ddd licious, there's no pentameter there, damnit.

da bum, da bum, da bum...

 

[perks]

da bum, da bum, da bum...

that's the sound of me walking, I just know it. *laughing*

 

[Liar]

Agreed, I caught it on the third read. Missed it the first two.

Huh. Didn't even know you could shorten "fire" to one syllable. "Fahrr", or something like that?

 

[Liar]

that's the sound of me walking, I just know it. *laughing*

It's the sound of ppl when you walk by.

 

[perks]

It's the sound of ppl when you walk by.

don't make me spit my drink, that's alcohol abuse... not to mention unattractive.

 

[fawnie]

~~~~~~
it stings me like a frost, a freeze of years,
so bold it stands, without a need to mend
it's said that time, is now to be my friend,
how long new love, be lost within my fears?

to say I need, is much too strong a word,
but truth be told my life now feels in vain
escape relents, I yield my life to pain,
forget the facts, and all the things I've heard.

forever love, I wish could be deferred,
some things our will can't stop and time sustains
this is the truth, the facts that walk with me.

I hide the hurt, the loss, but grieving stirred,
someday I hope, to count this all as gain,
my chains removed, and walk the earth as free.

each night I step outside, your ghost appears.
I search the stars, but still I can't pretend,
my heart's sincere, for you my love, no end.
the moon shines bright, a light to dry my tears.

when all is said and done, my love will be,
true love that walks, through all eternity.
~~~~~~
anyone awake who can tell me if i got it right?
and maybe help with punuation..i'm finding that kind of tricky..and this is just a practice run, so dont mind the simplicity, i shoot for more elaborate later after i know what i'm doing!
thanks!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

cleaned up with help from perks.

i'll have to lick your boots more often

thanks

oh and the fool for catching my little i've

now, for the real one!

 

[*Catbabe*]

I'm actually a freak...I like writing sonnets. Shadddup Ange


I'm in too.

 

[The_Fool]

Look Lauren! I found the dayum thread. Now I have to do it, don't I?

Oh Fooly honey baby? Wanna write a hypersonnet? You'll love it--it's like a sonnet, but more.

Hey Ange,

If a sonnet's worth 20 years, what's a hypersonnet worth? (I think I am good through about age 80 or so...)

Foooooolish Minds want to know.

Especially if they are on Fire!

Oh shit, now I've got that song in my head....

 

[The_Fool]

I'm actually a freak...I like writing sonnets. Shadddup Ange


I'm in too.

Sung in a slightly childish singsong voice...

Cat is a masochist, Cat is a masochist....

 

[The_Fool]

Where's Judo?

This challenge is ready-made for her...

 

[Cordelia]

Hmmmm....

I was just thinking it was time for me to write another one. A better one, I hope.

I'm in. Unless work gets in the way yet again.



Cordelia

 

[*Catbabe*]

Sung in a slightly childish singsong voice...

Cat is a masochist, Cat is a masochist....

Careful or you will find out if I am into the "s" part of that scene too...

And, what are you talking about Mistah Fool...aren't you the one who insists on writing villanelle after villanelle?

At least sonnets are shorter.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

anyone awake who can tell me if i got it right?
and maybe help with punuation..i'm finding that kind of tricky..and this is just a practice run, so dont mind the simplicity, i shoot for more elaborate later after i know what i'm doing!
thanks!!

That's a great first effort, fawnie. The metre is almost flawless, so now all you have to do is remember to not let it get in the way of poetry.

Here are my technical impressions:


hyperplasmic love

It stings me like a frost, a freeze of years,
so bold it stands, without a need to mend;
it's said that time[,] is now to me a friend,
how long 'til love[,] be lost within my fears?

To say I need[,] is much too strong a word,
but truth be told, my life now feels in vain;
escape relents, I yield my life to pain;
forget the facts, and all the things I've heard.

Forever love, I wish could be deferred--
some things our will can't stop or time sustain;
this is the truth, the facts that walk with me.

- I had a problem with the second verse of this stanza, in the original version you posted, because it felt like the imabic pentameter was getting in the way of the sentence even making sense; also, the added 's' made the rhyme slip to 'less than perfect'. Changing the 'and' on your second version to 'or', both problems are fixed


I hide the hurt, the loss, but grieving stirred--
someday real soon, to count this all as gain,
my chains removed, and walk the earth as free.

- 'Someday real soon'? That's not really what you meant, is it? It will screw up the metre, but in that case, maybe you need to rethink that whole line.


Each night I step outside, your ghost appears.
I search the stars, but still I can't pretend;
my heart's sincere: for you my love won't end.
The moon shines bright, a light to dry my tears.

- Outside is an awkward word to use in an iambic scheme, because it's made of two strong sillables. It can be read with more emphasis on one or the other, but both will still be pretty strong. I don't have much of a problem with it, but just decided to point it out, so that you know that we need to be careful with some of the words we choose.

- 'my heart's sincere, for you my love, no end' - I missed a verb here, a direct reflex of you trying to stick to the metre; I kept reading and thinking you desperately wanted to say 'for you my love knows no end' or 'for you my love will never end'.


When all is said and done, my love will be[,]
true love that walks[,] through all eternity.


- Added (and removed) punctuation galore, so that I could make sense of what I was reading. I hope it was the same sense you were trying to make.


Final result:

hyperplasmic love

It stings me like a frost, a freeze of years,
so bold it stands, without a need to mend;
it's said that time is now to me a friend,
how long 'til love be lost within my fears?

To say I need is much too strong a word,
but truth be told, my life now feels in vain;
escape relents, I yield my life to pain;
forget the facts, and all the things I've heard.

Forever love, I wish could be deferred--
some things our will can't stop or time sustain;
this is the truth, the facts that walk with me.

I hide the hurt, the loss, but grieving stirred--
someday real soon, to count this all as gain,
my chains removed, and walk the earth as free.

Each night I step outside, your ghost appears.
I search the stars, but still I can't pretend;
my heart's sincere: for you my love won't end.
The moon shines bright, a light to dry my tears.

When all is said and done, my love will be
true love that walks through all eternity.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Where's Judo?

This challenge is ready-made for her...

I'm trying to channel her.

 

[fawnie]

That's a great first effort, fawnie. The metre is almost flawless, so now all you have to do is remember to not let it get in the way of poetry.

Here are my technical impressions:


hyperplasmic love

It stings me like a frost, a freeze of years,
so bold it stands, without a need to mend;
it's said that time[,] is now to me a friend,
how long 'til love[,] be lost within my fears?

To say I need[,] is much too strong a word,
but truth be told, my life now feels in vain;
escape relents, I yield my life to pain;
forget the facts, and all the things I've heard.

Forever love, I wish could be deferred--
some things our will can't stop or time sustain;
this is the truth, the facts that walk with me.

- I had a problem with the second verse of this stanza, in the original version you posted, because it felt like the imabic pentameter was getting in the way of the sentence even making sense; also, the added 's' made the rhyme slip to 'less than perfect'. Changing the 'and' on your second version to 'or', both problems are fixed


I hide the hurt, the loss, but grieving stirred--
someday real soon, to count this all as gain,
my chains removed, and walk the earth as free.

- 'Someday real soon'? That's not really what you meant, is it? It will screw up the metre, but in that case, maybe you need to rethink that whole line.


Each night I step outside, your ghost appears.
I search the stars, but still I can't pretend;
my heart's sincere: for you my love won't end.
The moon shines bright, a light to dry my tears.

- Outside is an awkward word to use in an iambic scheme, because it's made of two strong sillables. It can be read with more emphasis on one or the other, but both will still be pretty strong. I don't have much of a problem with it, but just decided to point it out, so that you know that we need to be careful with some of the words we choose.

- 'my heart's sincere, for you my love, no end' - I missed a verb here, a direct reflex of you trying to stick to the metre; I kept reading and thinking you desperately wanted to say 'for you my love knows no end' or 'for you my love will never end'.


When all is said and done, my love will be[,]
true love that walks[,] through all eternity.


- Added (and removed) punctuation galore, so that I could make sense of what I was reading. I hope it was the same sense you were trying to make.


Final result:

hyperplasmic love

It stings me like a frost, a freeze of years,
so bold it stands, without a need to mend;
it's said that time is now to me a friend,
how long 'til love be lost within my fears?

To say I need is much too strong a word,
but truth be told, my life now feels in vain;
escape relents, I yield my life to pain;
forget the facts, and all the things I've heard.

Forever love, I wish could be deferred--
some things our will can't stop or time sustain;
this is the truth, the facts that walk with me.

I hide the hurt, the loss, but grieving stirred--
someday real soon, to count this all as gain,
my chains removed, and walk the earth as free.

Each night I step outside, your ghost appears.
I search the stars, but still I can't pretend;
my heart's sincere: for you my love won't end.
The moon shines bright, a light to dry my tears.

When all is said and done, my love will be[,]
true love that walks[,] through all eternity.

lol i. was, just, telling, perks, i, have, this, bad, habbit!!


i am trying to improve on where to actually place the commas, and ty for all that lovely work in pointing out flaws, i'll put it to good use..