I'll be your critic

[legerdemer]

TSB,

I'm laying my baby on the line for gutting by willing reviewers; asked for Lien_Geller's feedback, and I'd love yours as well. I'm curious how they'll compare. I am expecting your unvarnished, straight-up feedback - I've got thick skin. Much appreciated!

story here

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Richard Feynman said, if you cant make your point in a paragraph or so you don't know what youre talking about. Your story shouts it. What in hell is it all about?

 

[lovecraft68]

Richard Feynman said, if you cant make your point in a paragraph or so you don't know what youre talking about. Your story shouts it. What in hell is it all about?

You read her 4 page story in 9 minutes?

 

[slyc_willie]

I'm going to set aside a day to read all of your guys (Edit: and gals) stories. There is something about people who are willing to put themselves out there that you just have to respect ... My critiques though will be, 'I liked it' or "I didn't like it' ... I'm not very informative, doesn't mean it was good or bad, some writers have a way about them that is enjoyable, some don't.

I don't care about extra words, I don't care tenses ... I only want to read a story that flows.

Not to sound ungrateful, but if a critique doesn't give me more than "I Like it" or "I didn't like it" then it's not a real critique at all.

 

[slyc_willie]

You read her 4 page story in 9 minutes?

He read the first paragraph, then had an aneurism.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You read her 4 page story in 9 minutes?

How long do you smell a fart? or stand in the rain?

 

[lowphat]

I just finished reading it, and I enjoyed it. The grammar mistakes were a little jarring but nothing terrible. You have a few places where it appears your dialog might have lost a carriage return and wound up in the same paragraph as the previous line. ("I can't believe this""Why not?") as an example, not an actual quote.

I thought it was a bit wordy, and some of your paragraphs could have been split up for easier reading.

All in all, I loved the actual story though, you have a good imagination.

 

[AwkwardMD]

I just finished reading it, and I enjoyed it. The grammar mistakes were a little jarring but nothing terrible. You have a few places where it appears your dialog might have lost a carriage return and wound up in the same paragraph as the previous line. ("I can't believe this""Why not?") as an example, not an actual quote.

I thought it was a bit wordy, and some of your paragraphs could have been split up for easier reading.

All in all, I loved the actual story though, you have a good imagination.

To whose story is this referring?

 

[CyranoJ]

I think that's in reference to legerdemer's story.

AwkwardMD, I read the first chapter of yours. Quite liked the bizarreness of it -- and that the sex scenes managed to be pretty hot despite and/or because of that -- and the exercise of trying to work out what in the main character's viewpoint was happening because of schizophrenia and what was real. A couple of things did stand out that confused me:

- I don't know what that long chronology is doing there at the beginning. I took one look at it and skipped it to see if I could understand the story without it, and it came across just fine. Looked back at it afterwards and at least for purposes of this chapter, it really didn't add anything essential that I could see (apart from the "2014" entry being chuckle-worthy). If it's backdrop for a group of stories with a common setting, I wonder if that kind of material might not benefit from its own linkable file in the "Non-Erotic" section or something?

- I found myself confused by the very last beat in the final scene. Maybe I missed something, but I'd gotten the impression that she'd intentionally pulled a switcheroo on her customer... so why is she surprised that he thinks she's a Synth? (Or is she? Or maybe she's surprised at his reaction?)

Those quibbles aside, in all I thought it was good fun, I'll be giving the further chapters a read. Thanks for linking it here.

 

[lowphat]

To whose story is this referring?

Yes, my bad I was referring to legerdemer's story. Sorry for any confusion.

 

[lowphat]

I don't usually ask for feedback because I'm pretty happy with myself as a writer. That said, I have a story (https://www.literotica.com/s/light-rays-coming-out-of-the-computer-ch-01) that, while rated well enough, generates very feedback. It also has a very low view count compared to some of my other similarly-sized stories.

I just asked Lien Gellar to take a look at it and he balked at the subject matter (which I don't think is as bad as he feared but oh well). Hopefully you can last a little longer.

The whole thing is a bit shy of 40,000 words in 5 chapters, and once you get to Chapter 3 there's tie-in's with another story that increase the required reading. I don't expect you'll get that far, and it won't hurt my feelings if you just read one chapter and share your thoughts. Or if you read none.

Your description of world events in the beginning are very well written, and I was sucked right in, but once we get to the Sexbot shop, I started getting confused by all the things talking in his ear.

My first thought was to turn the damn earpiece off, because if it was confusing me, it must be confusing him. A few minutes later I read about a boy with a pussy, and I got confused enough to quit reading.

I love your writing style, and your technicals are really up to snuff, but the subject matter wasn't for me.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

He read the first paragraph, then had an aneurism.

I filled my nose with its aroma, I know the smell, and I cant tell you what its about. I wasn't impressed with Pee Wee Herman the first time I saw him on THE GONG SHOW and DAVID LETTERMAN.

 

[legerdemer]

I just finished reading it, and I enjoyed it. The grammar mistakes were a little jarring but nothing terrible. You have a few places where it appears your dialog might have lost a carriage return and wound up in the same paragraph as the previous line. ("I can't believe this""Why not?") as an example, not an actual quote.

I thought it was a bit wordy, and some of your paragraphs could have been split up for easier reading.

All in all, I loved the actual story though, you have a good imagination.

Yes, my bad I was referring to legerdemer's story. Sorry for any confusion.

Thank you for reading it, and for your comments. Glad you enjoyed it.

 

[AwkwardMD]

I found myself confused by the very last beat in the final scene. Maybe I missed something, but I'd gotten the impression that she'd intentionally pulled a switcheroo on her customer... so why is she surprised that he thinks she's a Synth? (Or is she? Or maybe she's surprised at his reaction?)

So, just before the big final scene, I included a short excerpt from a conversation with her friend Jeanne, in which Jeanne attempts to infer a different meaning behind Kerr purchasing the Synth. It's very brief, and it's not explicit that Freya is ultimately convinced of Jeanne's theory. I was attempting to 'show not tell' the outcome of that.

Her reaction at the end is one of horror because she miscalculated rather than incredulity.

My first thought was to turn the damn earpiece off, because if it was confusing me, it must be confusing him. A few minutes later I read about a boy with a pussy, and I got confused enough to quit reading.

It's a shame that indirectly mentioning boypussy is too much. I expect that's the same spot that Lien Geller bailed at too. It doesn't appear in the story. It's also a shame that you didn't get far enough to see that the main character is a woman with schizophrenia rather than an obnoxious collection of disembodied voices.

 

[AwkwardMD]

I really appreciate you both taking a look at it anyway. All of your responses have been cataloged and will be included in the final post mortem.

 

[CyranoJ]

It's a shame that indirectly mentioning boypussy is too much.

Heh. I did find the boypussy thing a bit confusing but just chalked it up to a bit of setting weirdness that might become clearer later... which actually maybe doesn't happen, I think it was more that I just forgot about it as I read on.

 

[legerdemer]

Back at you, JBJ

Richard Feynman said, if you cant make your point in a paragraph or so you don't know what youre talking about. Your story shouts it. What in hell is it all about?

Feynman was not referring to fiction.

Here's a "test," the first paragraph from a book by an author who I know is on your list of good authors. Without Googling it, tell me what the point of the book is.


"The truth is, if old Major Dover hadn't dropped dead at Taunton races Jim would never have come to Thurgood's at all. He came in mid-term without an interview --late May, it was, though no one would have thought it from the weather--employed through one of the shifter agencies specialising in supply teachers for prep schools, to hold down old Dover's teaching till someone suitable could be found. "A linguist," Thursgood told the common-room, "a temporary measure," and brushed away his forelock in self-defence. "Priddo." He gave the spelling, "P-r-I-d"--French was not Thursgood's subject so he consulted the slip of paper--"e-a-u-x, first name James. I think he'll do us very well till July." The staff had no difficulty in reading the signals. Jim Prideaux was a poor white of the teaching community. He belonged to the same sad bunch as the late Mrs. Loveday, who had a Persian- lamb coat and stood in for junior divinity until her cheques bounced, or the late Mr. Maltby, the pianist who had been called from choir practice to help the police with their enquiries, and as far as anyone knew was helping them to this day, for Maltby's trunk still lay in the cellar awaiting instructions. Several of the staff,but chiefly Marjoribanks, were in favour of opening that trunk. They said it contained notorious missing treasures: Aprahamian's silver-framed picture of his Lebanese mother, for instance; Best-Ingram's Swiss army penknife and Matron's watch. But Thursgood set his set his creaseless face resolutely against their entreaties. Only five years had passed since he had inherited the school from his father, but they had taught him already that some things are best locked away."

 

[AwkwardMD]

Heh. I did find the boypussy thing a bit confusing but just chalked it up to a bit of setting weirdness that might become clearer later... which actually maybe doesn't happen, I think it was more that I just forgot about it as I read on.

One of the first things mentioned in the timeline is genital feminization among males. It's not common or important. Just a dusting of background.

 

[CyranoJ]

Yes, I see that now. (At any rate that particular confusion wasn't a big deal for me.)

 

[AwkwardMD]

Yes, I see that now. (At any rate that particular confusion wasn't a big deal for me.)

Good on you!

 

[Sammael Bard]

The True Oracle Ch. 01 and Ch. 02 by slyc_willie

Here's the link to Chapter 1 and Chapter 2, if anyone else is interested in giving it a read.

As a side note, I'm a big Sci-fi buff. So anything out of the ordinary will receive a good flogging from me.

The Good:

I liked the plot, the gradual development and the intrigue that this story holds. No, I'm not kidding - it's really good! Your story has a feel of an old romantic story - there's a hero, a damsel in distress, an adventure, a good fight, the evil and a sad, temporary separation in the end.

Developing the world in Sci-fi is an important thing, and I liked the barren, future world. Although I'd prefer a more futuristic setting than a medieval one, given the year the story has been set, that'll be a personal preference thing (what can I say, Terminator Salvation left a big imprint on my imagination ).

Character development was....more than decent. Things were how they should've been. I really didn't find anything that was a major flaw, or anything that just didn't fit in.

Erotica was hot. Any more words from me, and I'll end up looking like a fool.


The Not-So-Good:

Although a smooth ride, there are definitely a few things that could be done away with.

The opening para of your story fell a little short of an info dump. Let me get familiar with the world before you start telling me what happened where.

Aging eyes watched from the shadows of the pillared, circular room. The Minister of Compliance of Owrn Sovereignty was a powerful man, with influence surpassed only by the Regent. Yet the ritual the Minister was about to witness was a sacred one, not normally intended for observation, even by such as he. But the Minister lived in desperate times within a desperate world, and he needed answers.

Minister of Compliance of Owrn Sovereignty?

Please excuse me while I stabilize my confused head. Being an author who knows every thing about the world he creates, you might not find it out of the ordinary. But I'm a first time reader trying to familiarize with your environment. Have some mercy on me. Tone it down, if you can.

It did work well for that Neustis region, because it got mentioned several times in the story and I got familiarized with it.

Sentence structuring and use of commas was suspicious in between the story, like when Gavin kills the chief of the cannibals. The story flows well, so it wasn't something that I noticed until the second glance. Nothing major that you should be worried about.

Other than that, I haven't found any major fault.

Verdict: Frankly speaking, it's one of those stories where I'm scrambling to find words to criticize this thing. I have gone through it twice, and I haven't found any major element that sticks out like a sore thumb.

If you're proud of this thing, it is rightfully so because this story is beautifully written in terms of plot and erotica. The balance is great, and the story, although a big one, flowed very well for me. Any criticism from me, other than this, will qualify for the highest order of nitpick.

And I don't want to do that.

If I had to rate it, it'd be no less than a 4 star, meaning it was a great read for me.

This might be a shorter review than what you might be expecting, but that's the best I can do without splitting hairs.

Hope that helped.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Just a quick word to say that I've seen both AwkwardMD's and legerdemer's requests. Normal services shall resume shortly after the 6th of May. Till then, I'll be busy with life and my story.

Thanks to all of you who're helping the authors in question. Just in case you're being annoyed by an old faggot popping his 2 cents every now and then, please remember he's volunteering for the empty cheerleading spot on this thread. Encouraging his god-awful pom-pom dances isn't something that I'd do.

See y'all next week (hopefully).

Bard.

 

[slyc_willie]

Thanks for the critique, Bard, and the honest vote.

Regarding your reservations about "the Minister of Compliance of Owrn Sovereignty:"

A lot of this story was inspired by the classic sci-fi/fantasy works of the forties, fifties, and sixties. Mainly, I was looking to emulate, at least in part, writers such as Asimov, Heinlein and Vance, three of my personal heroes. One thing I've noticed about them is the use of "Big, Impressive Names And Titles" that, well, don't always make immediate sense to the reader. But the use of such does convey a certain sense of importance to the reader. At least it always did to me, and I went with that assumption when writing the story. To be honest, I'm not even sure just what the "Ministry of Compliance" is in the world I created. But it has "Ministry" in it, so it's important.

I'm a little surprised you didn't ask for more clarification about the Blaze, but I suppose that just means that you, as a reader, accepted that it was some sort of catastrophic event that had occurred relatively recently and didn't need any more explanation than that. I'm actually glad for that, because that means I've done my job of supplying just enough background information for the setting to set the stage. For you, at least, and hopefully for other readers as well.

In writing The True Oracle, I was blending together what I hoped was a sort of "fairy tale with mysticism and technology" story a la Star Wars with the "bad ass-ness" of Equilibrium and the underlying mortal tone of The Gunslinger/Dark Tower. Not sure if I accomplished all that, but I like to think I did.

Again, thanks for the critique.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Unless a reader happened to skim over the story, he/she would've noticed you mentioning something about fire falling from the sky. I really don't think any more description would've been necessary as the Blaze itself wasn't a major focus, but its consequences.

Anyhow, glad I could be of any help.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Feynman was not referring to fiction.

Here's a "test," the first paragraph from a book by an author who I know is on your list of good authors. Without Googling it, tell me what the point of the book is.


"The truth is, if old Major Dover hadn't dropped dead at Taunton races Jim would never have come to Thurgood's at all. He came in mid-term without an interview --late May, it was, though no one would have thought it from the weather--employed through one of the shifter agencies specialising in supply teachers for prep schools, to hold down old Dover's teaching till someone suitable could be found. "A linguist," Thursgood told the common-room, "a temporary measure," and brushed away his forelock in self-defence. "Priddo." He gave the spelling, "P-r-I-d"--French was not Thursgood's subject so he consulted the slip of paper--"e-a-u-x, first name James. I think he'll do us very well till July." The staff had no difficulty in reading the signals. Jim Prideaux was a poor white of the teaching community. He belonged to the same sad bunch as the late Mrs. Loveday, who had a Persian- lamb coat and stood in for junior divinity until her cheques bounced, or the late Mr. Maltby, the pianist who had been called from choir practice to help the police with their enquiries, and as far as anyone knew was helping them to this day, for Maltby's trunk still lay in the cellar awaiting instructions. Several of the staff,but chiefly Marjoribanks, were in favour of opening that trunk. They said it contained notorious missing treasures: Aprahamian's silver-framed picture of his Lebanese mother, for instance; Best-Ingram's Swiss army penknife and Matron's watch. But Thursgood set his set his creaseless face resolutely against their entreaties. Only five years had passed since he had inherited the school from his father, but they had taught him already that some things are best locked away."

I know Le Carre fairly well. TINKER TAILOR is a mystery, of course, and Le Carre generally opens his books with the sort of confusion and mayhem characteristic of real world events. This said, its not a good start. What follows it saves his ass.

In fairness, tho, while I recognized Le Carre quickly, I had to consider the openings of his books before TINKER TAILOR rang up as the likely culprit. The BBC cut such shit from the film.

Its really and truly a shit beginning.