I'll be your critic

[Learin]

Liked the story

Yes, some of the dialogue and sex came across a little more gratuitous than some of my other works, but sometimes I try to keep in mind that we are in fact writing on an erotica site and after I've put the reader through a slow burn they want to see all hell break loose and read what they come here for.

Had it been in romance I would have toned that down, but again what one author//reader likes another...

I assumed that this story was a lesbian romance, so the dialogues needn't be out of this world. IMHO, the dialogues (as TSB mentioned) did lessen the impact of the scenes. I've never heard myself or any of my girlfriends speak like that even in their throes of *cough* passion.

Otherwise, it was a very nice story.

 

[Areala-chan]

I'm curious to get Bard's evaluation on one of my works, so if you're still taking requests, then I have a short one to add to the queue:

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-story-of-us-4

I've been writing for years and have pretty thick skin, so don't feel the need to reign things in on my account.

 

[Katiecat]

Here's a short one, only 2 pages. It's one of the first I submitted here. I've been considering a re-write to fix some technical issues and polish it. I'm going to try to submit it to a few different authors for critique to get some other viewpoints, so I would appreciate your thoughts when you have time. Disclaimer: all characters are over 18, and that is specifically stated in the story, but if I rewrite I will put a note about that at the very beginning.

Wild Cat

 

[Sammael Bard]

Am back.

Will start my review from MDAwkward's story. I went through the opening, liked the history but got bamboozled by the opening scene. That needs a second read though.

legerdemer's story needs a change in her writing style. Too many commas and beating around the bush.

Anyway, I'll post the reviews by tomorrow.

Cheers!

 

[Sammael Bard]

Light Rays Coming Out of the Computer Ch. 01 by AwkwardMD

So here are my thoughts for Light Rays Coming Out of the Computer Ch. 01 by AwkwardMD.

Er…starting from the title, I didn’t like it much.

Light Rays Coming Out of the Computer.

Names like these are enough to make me think twice before I even start to read your story out of the many thousands on Literotica. It isn’t something that I’d name my story even if I’m drunk as hell. Care to state your interest behind this name? I’m very curious.

Although I don’t like an info dump right at the beginning, I liked your way of describing the future world. It works pretty well for setting up a theme with a nice, decent setting.

Now to the actual beginnings of your story –

I really have this opinion that you did overkill with your writing style and the theme you chose. Voices all around in the beginning had me a little confused as to which was what.

The first question – What’s a Synth?

My guess at first look – Er…Synthetic?

Reading the first few paras of your story, and I come to a conclusion that either the protagonist is seeing things or the robots are actually talking to her. The scene is…confusing at best. It isn’t something that you didn’t write well (even I can’t think of better ways to write this), but visualising such a complex scene without anything other than your words isn’t something that I’d call ‘a good time’ for me. For a reader who might be interested in your story from the beginning, he/she might be able to stick to it. But for a reader looking to get off, I’m sure the info overload will be a mighty turn-off. It felt like a movie script, only difference being that it was written in first person and all.

That said, after I managed to conjure up the scene, it was near brilliant to visualise! Really good job, I’d say.

I heard your distress call regarding this being a low-commented story and all that. I can actually see why, and it’s obvious.

This category is Sci-fi, and any categories other than Transgender/Cross-dressers do NOT entertain thoughts of a male with pussies and the likes. Sorry, but that’s how the readers go. It icks the fuck outta them if they see something other than heterosexual sex. They aren’t expecting that in this category. Even though you mentioned “feminisation” of male genitalia and all that, they really don’t expect humongous clits and stuff. Result is that they hit the back button or down-vote your story – most probably the former.

Personally speaking, it isn’t erotic for me to read such a story, but I like to read such stories for their writing style and plot. If it interests me, I keep on moving and finish it.

And your story did just that.

I like Freya’s voice. It’s…natural, and her thoughts are so fluidly written. You deserve a well 5/5 for your writing style. It’s hard to see something like this out of the hundreds of trash here. And when I imagine the scene through her schizophrenic mind, it teeters on the brink of total awesomeness.

One thing that didn’t go down well with me is the unknown new information that keeps popping in every now and then. I’m frequently having questions in my mind like – What’s this and what’s that? Did I read it before, or did I miss it?

It results in a minor headache and slight frustration when I’m not able to figure out things in a Sci-Fi story. If I had to beat down your story, it’d have to be on this very point. I don’t know what’s going on in the mind of the readers, but I can definitely imagine a major chunk hitting the back button on the second Lit page.

I love humour. Another personal thing, and it’s my Achilles heel while I review a story. If it tickled me the right way, I blindly give it a 5 star. I don’t give a fuck as to how long it was, or what was the point of the story. I really love her conversations with her clit. Just hilarious. I’m still chuckling as I write this review. Good job on that front!


Verdict: A few speed bumps, but your story becomes easier to read after I get accustomed to her world and the voices in between. Writing such a character is hard enough, but it won’t do well if readers are scared away at its very first sight. My criticism will mainly lie in the fact that you included information in your story with no proper explanation. I mean, I don’t want to go through a story, all the while doing mental callisthenics. It’s a headache for me.

If you take my advice, try to make it a bit less complicated than it already is.

Also, this is the Sci-Fi category. Any transgender sex part will simply scare away a majority of the readers just because it’s not in the “right category”. Another one of those drawbacks of Literotica Categories, but that’s the way it is. However, those brave ones to hold one to your story definitely liked it and hence the high score. I didn’t mind this factor in your story at all, but I can’t say the same thing for every other reader.

IMO, this was a great read. Nothing less than that. It deserves at least a 4 star – meaning it was a great read for me. I’ll definitely look forward to read the rest of it in the near future.

Hope that helped you.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Kim's Valentines Day Surprise by legerdemer

Here’s the link to legerdemer’s story Kim’s Valentines Day Surprise. Take everything I say with a grain of salt because half of the time, I’m muddling through my own work.

"Here goes...something," Kim said, as she sucked in air deeply, trying to fill her lungs. She was only moderately successful. She closed her eyes briefly, then pulled open the door to the club, moving from the nondescript parking lot lights into the club's warmth. Inside, she was enveloped in the blues and purples of soft neon bouncing off the dark-painted walls, their actual color hard to make out. She walked up to a small lectern where a gorgeous, perfectly made-up twenty-something hostess sat, chatting easily with a dark-haired man who looked to be in his forties. The hostess immediately smiled at her and subtly looked her up and down, not letting any judgement, if she'd made any, show. The man's eyes seemed to follow her as well, his expression verging on curious.

Kim pulled her shoulders up and straightened her spine, deciding it was too late back out now. "I should be on the guest list, I signed up earlier today, on the web site," she said a little breathlessly, and gave her name.

This is what you wrote.

My advice will be to loose the extra words, tighten it up and try hard not to describe everything in your way. Too many commas and too many pauses make the actions more boring than they already are. This type of writing style is…a big bore for me as a reader. There’s no excitement and no intrigue at all. Things are happening, and they’re being droned on by the writer’s keyboard.

Try to engage me with your opening. Try to be intriguing to the reader.

I’d try something like this:

She sucked in the night air, filling in her lungs and exhaled quietly. The cold air of the parking lot did little to calm down her frayed nerves.

“Here goes something.” She said and pulled open the doors to the club.

The warmth of the club engulfed her, giving her body a slight respite from the cold outside. Blues and Purples of the soft neon bounced off her as Kim walked up to the perfectly made-up twenty-something hostess. She was chatting with an older man, most probably in his forties.

The hostess noticed her and smiled. Her eyes subtly sized her up, making sure not to let any judgement, if she’d made any, show.

Deciding it was too late to back out now, Kim pulled her shoulders back and straightened her posture. “I should be on the guest list; I signed up earlier today…” She said a little breathlessly, “…on the website.”

She gave her name.

This is how I’d have written with your words. I did cut out-

Hey, stop laughing! It’s hard to come up with something original every time. I did my best okay?!!

*ahem*

Okay, notice that I cut out some unnecessary actions from your piece. They were nothing but distracting. I’d say that unless you’re being paid by your word count, refrain from describing every thing in every possible way. It doesn’t read well and slows down the pace of your story. Not a good thing at all.

I also, as you might’ve noticed, did something to describe her state of mind which is important for me as a reader. If you give me a good mental picture of your character in terms of her thoughts and the situation (and not necessarily bust size) you’ve got my full undivided attention. Otherwise, it’s blah for me.

Dialogues aren’t too good either. They have this Victorian era vibe to it, and I’m not saying that in a good way. I’d have preferred a more natural, organic approach to this part, especially in Romance.

Also, that scene with her ex-boyfriend, Greg, didn’t come off too well either. It felt like two loving people walking into the club, something goes wrong and Greg turns into this abusive monster. Not enough character description to hold my interest in either of your players. You really need to invest some more words in those scenes, preferably in terms of dialogue and expanding what actually happened in there.

I don’t get Kim’s thought processing unit. Yeah, she’s attracted to the club owner, but I think you should elaborate much more than you have in your story. It needs a LOT of work. I’d have given you slack if this was the Erotic Coupling category, but this isn’t. Romance is difficult to write. A good Romance with gradual development pays off much better in terms of ratings, favourites and comments. Yours didn’t even remotely feel like one. I’m not trying to be mean here, but I’m trying to tell you how the story came off to me.

A stroker Fetish?

Yeah.

A romance?

Newp.


Verdict: If I have a word to describe your story, it’d be cheesy.

It didn’t feel like Romance to me, but more like Erotic Coupling and Food Fetish combined. Sure, there’s a lot of sex, but baby, this is the Romance Category. I want to see how they fall in love, or have the nascent beginnings of a relationship. Either you start with bang-on sex, or you start slow with the Romance. You tried both, and didn’t succeed in either.

I still don’t have a clue why a woman would let a complete stranger pick up her clothing, let alone touch her immediately after a traumatic night. A line like “She felt a strange attraction towards him” pisses me off. This is the sign of a lazy Romance author who doesn’t want to invest any more time on the romance – the very backbone of the story. This felt more like a woman erotic fantasy, and rubbed me the wrong way.

A big pet peeve for me.

It scores high on the Erotica chart, which is a good thing for me. It’s kind of a redeeming feature for your story. Well described and all that, but that isn’t the thing I’ll be looking at in Romance. I’m certainly not looking for a food fetish story, and your story gave me that vibe. I have nothing against fetishes. It’s a very preferential topic – either reader likes it, or they don’t. I don’t have a thing for food play, so yeah, sucker punches from me in that department. For some reader who likes food, hallelujah to you.

Don’t know what you were trying to attempt, but IMHO, it needs a lot more work to be in the Romance Category to be received well.

Overall, I’d say that this story gave me the vibe of an Erotic Coupling story and Food fetish towards the end, rather than Romance. It’d have been better off without the meagre Romance altogether. If you posted this story in EC, I’d have given this a 3 star – meaning I liked it, you should keep on writing. But…because this is in Romance, I’m highly tempted to rate it lower. But a 2 star would mean I didn’t like it, and I’d be lying if I said that to you. So, a 3 star it is.

I hope that helped you, or at least gave you a different perspective to your story.

 

[AwkwardMD]

I'm resisting quoting your review because of the length, so if I miss any points, I'll try to swing back to them.

The title does two things. One, it's meant to show just how different her perspective is, or perhaps more correctly, what a schizophrenic sees. You think you're looking at Literotica.com. You think you're looking at a website, or Windows. Freya/the schizophrenic sees light rays. Two, it's a direct quote from a mind blowing interview I heard where a sports reporter that does comedy stuff was doing on the spot interviews and found a schizophrenic, and talked to him for about ten minutes. I can find a link if you really want to hear it.

Synths are synthetic robots, yes. My writing partner and I envisioned a really detailed world, and we tried to do as much Show Don't Tell as we could. Some things though were just too obtuse to include without having the character interactions turn into a history lesson. Hence the timeline. Many parts of the timeline become more important as the story goes on. While I don't expect you to review the rest of it, I would love to know if there are parts that remain unclear the further it goes.

The opening scene was quite a bear to get right because we were trying to set up so much with her as an unreliable narrator, technology, and the very colorful world she lives jn. I appreciate you saying it couldn't have been done better though. That's the best you can hope for.

I have another related story called Chasing the Dragon that is a similar mix of crazy, sci fi, and transgendered, and easily half the comments said "why in tg/cd? Put this in Sci Fi!" for the record, I hate the Lit categories, and I think you can see why. This isn't a story about cross-dressing. Although there is some transgendered content, the main of it is a boy and a girl. Very straight forward.

I'm not sure what you mean by unknown information. I expect you're probably talking about things like Hunter mode and Prey mode, and the way I just mention things like Magcars without explaining them. Is that about right? I try to do my best with descriptions while not going out of my way to sound likr I'm explaining them to a 21st century reader. That would make my eyes cross in frustration.

If there was anythjng I really thought would connect with readers that totally didn't, it's that the main character has a talking clit. No mentions of it at all. Their relationship was one of the most fun parts to explore while writing this (Wanna shake on it?)

I write as therapy. This particular story was conceived while watching my mother slowly succumb to Borderline Personality Disorder. Not all of my stories start with such heavy seeds, and none are so complex or demanding on the reader as Light RayS. I know it's a mind fuck, and it gets twistier as it goes. The low view count and low votes I can see coming from that. It's the zero feedback that throws me the most. However, this one was never going to be an easier read. The ones that are easier reads are receiving feedback and views.

Thank you so much for this. Not only did you reinforce stuff I already knew about it, but you confirmed my suspicions about the lukewarm response.

 

[partwolf]

I'd like a critique of mine if you please.

https://www.literotica.com/s/behind-the-lines-of-the-were-war-ch-06

The whole series is available, but I think my writing has evolved since Ch. 1 so critiquing just my latest would be fine. Like I said in my bio, I haven't done any creative writing in 30 years until now. I appreciate the comments but that isn't the kind of feedback that will help me grow as an author.

I do tend to end each chapter with a cliffhanger, so some things may not make as much sense unless you start at the beginning.

Thanks

 

[legerdemer]

Review of Kim

Bard,

Thank you for your thorough no- holds barred review. You gave me food for thought, exactly what I asked for. A number of your comments agree well with Lien_Geller's feedback.And obviously I didn't think about the category deeply enough.

Thanks again for taking the time; sorry it wasn't a better/ more interesting read for you.

 

[CyranoJ]

This particular story was conceived while watching my mother slowly succumb to Borderline Personality Disorder.

Oh, shit. Sorry to hear it, man, that's dreadful.

 

[Sammael Bard]

AwkwardMD: First off, I'm sorry for what you had to live with. No one deserves that.

The stuff that you mentioned like "prey mode" and all that were easy to comprehend. Any reader with sane level of intelligence will be able to get that. I was talking about other material like the "Synth" I mentioned before and a few other things I'm forgetting right now. I had to go on without fully understanding whatever the hell it was.

Show Don't Tell is a good thing as long as it doesn't confuse/leave the reader scratching his/her head. You did more than a decent job, barring a few bumps that I had to face.

Yeah, TG/C aren't receptive to Sci-Fi either, so I can understand your dilemma there. Sci-Fi is a better bet for you as compared to that category, considering the theme of your story.

Your story is an under-appreciated one. Good writing and everything, but it still didn't connect with a lot a readers and potential feedback givers. But that doesn't mean that it's bad writing at all. It's one of the best I've seen.

Keep writing, and best of luck for your future stories. I'll love to put up a review sometimes later when I go through the rest of the series.



legerdemer: Well, I'm glad you found my review helpful. I don't read other's review before I read a story so that it doesn't colour my opinion. I didn't read Lien's review until now.

It's helpful as an author that two different persons have similar opinions about a story. You can list out the helpful ones and discard anything else that you don't think is useful.

With a little bit of practice, you can definitely write better.

Good luck.



I'll review the remaining stories from next week, starting from Areala-chan's story and down the list.


Cheers!

 

[Sammael Bard]

The Story of Us by Areala-chan

Here's the link to Areala-chan's The Story of Us, if anyone else is interested in giving it a read.

Alright, giving your story a quick peek, it's an Incest/Taboo story with 3 Lit pages of contents. It's kind of a sweet spot for most readers - neither too long nor too short. - just good.

Okay, the beginning of your story is....great!

Repeat Telecast: I'm a sucker for humour, and it's my Achilles Heel. Any good story with a nice humour will have my undivided attention for the next three seconds.

Repeat Telecast Over.

*ahem*

Okay, so reading through the first few paragraphs, I can see that it's well-written. No grammatical errors that I can smell…no fishy usage of words etcetera.

All's good so far.

The plot, although I don't expect a thriller, is intriguing too. Perhaps I'm in a good mood today, but I liked the simple with which you've portrayed a family scene. It is natural - something that many can't do it right.

And the protagonist is a girl…whoops! I thought he was a boy…

Okay, so here’s the first question that pops into my mind as I reach towards the end of the first page.

Why in teh name of hell wouldn't a bunch of 18/19-year ole girls smell porn when they watch one?

Hell, every girl I’ve known has been familiar with porn well before 18 – even the most prudish bitches on campus. Going through a scene like that was a deal-breaker for me. If you’ve attempted a show-don’t-tell attitude here, it didn’t settle well with me because of my real-life experience. Maybe, you should’ve added something related to their innocence beforehand, like their strict upbringing or something equally logical.

Then the kiss…the feelings that Kara associates with it comes off like a bomb.

Ka-boom.

I’m not saying the kissing scene is bad. I’m not saying that the feelings that Kara associates with the Kiss is badly written (in fact it’s great). What I’m saying is…you gotta flesh out the act of kiss itself here. What she felt before that act, the smell, the taste, the feel…you’ve got to jump into its nitty-gritty details before jumping to heavy conclusion with heavy dialogues like “It felt the way it was supposed to feel”.

The way you’ve written it, you totally jumped the band-wagon and rushed it.

Grazie?

And then I encounter pages after pages of hot-steamy sex…but I’m not interested at all. The earlier shenanigan I’ve mentioned earlier has left a bad taste in my mouth. Big Time.


Verdict: Your writing style is great. The story is full of lush phrases, full of romantic thoughts; full of this and that…but it didn’t tickle my fantasy at all.

Kara’s sudden feelings for Ally weren’t something that settled well with me. For me, that is the most important thing I look for in a story – a gradual development with clear, coherent thoughts describing the transition. Unfortunately, your story didn’t do any of it. It jumps directly into “I love her” part, and I hate that. Perhaps, it’s a pet peeve thingy, but that’s the only portion where your story takes a humongous beating from me.

This story didn’t leave a good aftertaste as it should’ve - given your great writing style and all that – because I feel that you didn’t milk its potential for what it was worth.

Beginnings – Great.
Sex - Great.
Feelings/thoughts while having Sex – The best I’ve ever seen.

But,

Gradual development that should come with the feelings Kara has for her…not so good. I know, it might be possible for someone to find her dream man/woman with a single kiss…but the way you wrote it, it didn’t do any good for me.

I’m torn between a 3 star (meaning I liked it) and a 4 star (meaning it was a Good Read). You get a rating somewhere in between (Not that I actually awarded a 4 – star because I hate to bring down someone else’s story ratings).

Hope that helped.

 

[LateNightStories]

https://www.literotica.com/s/castles-made-of-sand-ch-02

Hi, all! I've just posted the second chapter to my story Castles Made of Sand. It's a fantasy story. The chapter has quite a dark and gritty tone. There is a bit of reluctance/bdsm.

Please, give whatever feedback you like, but I would be particularly interested in feedback on characterisation.

Wordcount is 10239.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Wild Cat by KatieCat

Here's the link to the story Wild Cat if anyone else is interested in giving it a read.

The first thing to boggle my mind is the sheer size of the paragraphs.

Phew!

First of all, it's hard for my eyes to keep track of things when I read something like that. Given my reading speed, I'd rather prefer something that isn't a strain on my eyes, especially on a computer screen. This is the first major thing to tick me off in your story. And I'm not nitpicking, it's an issue for many of the readers here too.

My first Advice: Cut down the paragraphs, wherever you can. This way, the readability of the story increases two-folds.


Here's what you wrote:

Cat squirmed on the hard wooden chair and watched the seconds tick by on the clock. 4:55 on Friday afternoon. Five minutes until doomsday. She worried at an almost non-existent hangnail, nibbling it smooth. Was she a glutton for punishment? Had a death wish, perhaps? She smiled ruefully to herself. Why, oh why, was it so hard to get kicked out of school?

The school secretary, Mrs. Graham, stared disapprovingly over her glasses as she locked her desk and gathered her things. "I wouldn't go smirking and thinking I was so smart if I were you, young lady," she snapped. "You seem to think that rules don't apply to you. No wonder your parents gave up on you and sent you here." Cat narrowed her eyes and slumped down in her seat, refusing to respond. She folded her arms across her chest and stretched out her legs in front of her, crossing them at the ankles. Mrs. Graham slipped on her coat and tucked her huge purse under her arm. "Hopeless, you are positively hopeless." She shook her head and left the office.


What I would've done to this excerpt:

Cat squirmed on the hard wooden chair and watched the seconds tick by on the clock. 4:55 on Friday afternoon.

Five minutes until doomsday.

She worried at an almost non-existent hangnail, nibbling it smooth. Was she a glutton for punishment? Had a death wish, perhaps? She smiled ruefully to herself.

Why, oh why, was it so hard to get kicked out of school?

The school secretary, Mrs. Graham, stared disapprovingly over her glasses as she locked her desk and gathered her things. "I wouldn't go smirking and thinking I was so smart if I were you, young lady," she snapped. "You seem to think that rules don't apply to you. No wonder your parents gave up on you and sent you here."

Cat narrowed her eyes and slumped down in her seat, refusing to respond. She folded her arms across her chest and stretched out her legs in front of her, crossing them at the ankles.

Mrs. Graham slipped on her coat and tucked her huge purse under her arm. "Hopeless, you are positively hopeless." She shook her head and left the office.

Didja get my drift?

Hopefully, you did.

Repeat Telecast: I like Humour. Anything with a dash of good humour that tickles my ribs is a good read for me. Its my Achilles heel.

End of Repeat Telecast.

I liked the narration, the scene, Cat's sailor mouth and, hell yeah, the pervert Headmaster's thoughts. Although your story has been hashed and rehashed a thousand times, scenes like these never gets old. I like the way you breathe a new way into the story-telling. Personally speaking, I like badass female characters. They never fail to amuse me. You get a full 5/5 for creating someone like Cat. I love her.

Now, coming back to the nit-grits of BDSM, I'm soooooo glad you didn't attempt something like a master-slave relationship. Having seen so many wannabe author fuck-ups till date, I actually breathed a sigh of relief when I found nothing like it in the story.


Verdict: Great read it was. Yep. It was barely 2 Lit pages, but I don't judge a story by its size. If it entertained me well enough, it has my green signal. Your story didn't lag anywhere, or did I find anything out of the ordinary. Everything was well-written...well, except the humongous paragraphs. You really need to work on that.

Other than that, I'll say that I really liked reading this one.


Hope that helped.

 

[Sammael Bard]

https://www.literotica.com/s/behind-the-lines-of-the-were-war-ch-06

The whole series is available, but I think my writing has evolved since Ch. 1 so critiquing just my latest would be fine. Like I said in my bio, I haven't done any creative writing in 30 years until now. I appreciate the comments but that isn't the kind of feedback that will help me grow as an author.

I do tend to end each chapter with a cliffhanger, so some things may not make as much sense unless you start at the beginning.

Thanks

I don't review something that huge. I know you asked me to review a single chapter, but I can't go through it without smashing my head through walls and make sense of whatever-it-is. I have to go through the first five chapters, that that's....not something I'm willing to go through right now.

Maybe I'll review it when I've got the ample time, but not now. I'll send the feedback to you through the Private Feedback Portal when I go through it. I just can't commit myself to go through something that huge at this moment.

 

[Areala-chan]

Wow! Thanks for the awesome critique, Bard.

Believe it or not, this is exactly what I was looking for, and it nails why the story sits where it does ratings-wise. Might make for a fun fantasy, but as far as being realistic, you're right: I hobbled myself right at the start.

Guilty as charged.

But any feeling of disappointment over having the truth shone into my eyes are immediately forgotten when I read:

Feelings/thoughts while having Sex – The best I’ve ever seen.

I've read quite a few of your other critiques, both in this thread and in the older one you used to have pinned in this forum, and the fact I got a compliment like this from you will have me walking a couple inches above the ground for the rest of the day.

Your critique helps immeasurably, more than I can say, and I'll turn to it again for guidance when/if I do another story like this. Thanks for taking the time to write it, and for brutal honesty.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Besides having been told that my critique is shit, I had a pretty uneventful day. Fuckin' pisses me off when I try to point out mistakes and the author's nose is stuck high up into the sky. I don't mind people telling me "you had this wrong", but it better be with some reason, bitch.


*deep breath*


Anyway,

Areala-chan: Swallowing every bitter pill someone thrown at you is a hard work. I know that. All you'd want to do afterwards is to mince that sonuvabitch for a long time to come for trashing your hard work. I happen to know that too. Grow a thicker skin and know that opinions are still opinions at the end of the day.

Glad I could be of any help.



Up next is LateNightStories' submission, which'll take some time. I'll post my thing on Monday...Tuesday at most. Have a busy schedule ahead this week.

Cheers!

 

[CyranoJ]

Besides having been told that my critique is shit, I had a pretty uneventful day. Fuckin' pisses me off when I try to point out mistakes and the author's nose is stuck high up into the sky.

So... is there a now-vanished or edited comment this was referring to?

 

[Devilius]

Rule #nth of the critiquing business: Before shooting any critiques to someone, check his/her posting history. It's a damn advanced-warning system of the poster is like and how you should proceed.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Besides having been told that my critique is shit, I had a pretty uneventful day. Fuckin' pisses me off when I try to point out mistakes and the author's nose is stuck high up into the sky. I don't mind people telling me "you had this wrong", but it better be with some reason, bitch.


*deep breath*


Anyway,

Areala-chan: Swallowing every bitter pill someone thrown at you is a hard work. I know that. All you'd want to do afterwards is to mince that sonuvabitch for a long time to come for trashing your hard work. I happen to know that too. Grow a thicker skin and know that opinions are still opinions at the end of the day.

Glad I could be of any help.



Up next is LateNightStories' submission, which'll take some time. I'll post my thing on Monday...Tuesday at most. Have a busy schedule ahead this week.

Cheers!

Time to put on your big boy pants. Having the courage to take stances on someone elses artistic endeavours is the deep end of the pool.

Your critique of Light Rays was spot on.

 

[Sammael Bard]

So... is there a now-vanished or edited comment this was referring to?

No, I got a request via a PM earlier today.

I can't remove comments just because it pisses me off.

Rule #nth of the critiquing business: Before shooting any critiques to someone, check his/her posting history. It's a damn advanced-warning system of the poster is like and how you should proceed.

Amen to that.


I'm not actually pissed off...well, maybe I am, but what can I really say on barely 1 Lit page of a stupid, personalized Sci-Fi story written with a queer kink that I've got no interest in.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Time to put on your big boy pants. Having the courage to take stances on someone elses artistic endeavours is the deep end of the pool.

Your critique of Light Rays was spot on.

Riiight....only when the stance makes sense. I respect opinions as long as they make sense.

Other than that....nope.

 

[Devilius]

....but what can I really say on barely 1 Lit page of a stupid, personalized Sci-Fi story written with a queer kink that I've got no interest in.

Tell them to fuck off.

Seriously, it's one of those things that only Jimbo can do right. I don't think even you'd have a great capacity for dealing with every shit thrown your way.

It's really simple:

Step 1: Give it a once over.

Step 2: Did you like it?

Step 3: If you didn't, tell them in the nicest, fanciest words to fuck off with their story.

Step 4: Kick back your feet and relax.


When someone asks for your critique, you''re doing them a favour, not the other way around. And dealing with pussies who can't take a sting isn't something I'd call a good time.

Cheer the fuck up!

 

[LadyVer]

FWIW, if the story is not within the genre one reads, much less likes, it's difficult if not impossible to review it or edit it with one's best or full attention. I'm speaking generally. I've seen reviewers critique a story and then make it clear they hate the genre. That may be true, but if that's the case, the author should get critiques from those who are familiar with the genre and like it.

 

[Katiecat]

Bard, thanks for taking the time to critique my story. This is one I wrote in 2008, and I saw things in it that could be improved, like my "conversational" punctuation. There are way too many dashes and ellipses (also pointed out by Lien).

I appreciate your suggestion to break up the paragraphs, and the examples you provided. I typically follow the rule of changing the paragraph when there is a new speaker, but I can see how breaking up her individual thoughts and actions, and breaking up the paragraph with the school secretary work very well. Even though Cat didn't verbally respond, her actions serve as a reply and work well as a separate paragraph.

I'm glad you appreciate humor, and that you found my writing humorous; it's definitely what I was aiming for here. I love fiesty, kick-ass. female characters, too.

Now, coming back to the nit-grits of BDSM, I'm soooooo glad you didn't attempt something like a master-slave relationship. Having seen so many wannabe author fuck-ups till date, I actually breathed a sigh of relief when I found nothing like it in the story.

My BDSM stories really tend to be D/s-Lite -- fluffy pieces that appeal to the kink, but are unrealistic and definitely fantasy, with pairings like teacher/student, cop/shoplifter, boss/secretary, doctor/patient, etc. If they were real, they would be wildly unethical. But I can't get into or write true non-con, rape, violent sex scenes, or heavy slave/master stories -- none of that hard core scary stuff.

Not to mention that it's hard for me to stay totally serious for very long.

Thanks again!

Can I put another one in your queue for later or do you have too much on your plate right now? I posted it in the Humor category.