I'll be your critic

[Areala-chan]

Areala-chan: Swallowing every bitter pill someone thrown at you is a hard work. I know that. All you'd want to do afterwards is to mince that sonuvabitch for a long time to come for trashing your hard work. I happen to know that too. Grow a thicker skin and know that opinions are still opinions at the end of the day.

Glad I could be of any help.

Eh, maybe when I was younger. But I've been doing this writing thing long enough that I know to take suggestions and helpful critique like yours as good advice, not insults.

Don't get me wrong, I love the stuff I write as much as the next author, but I see no reason to slag off someone for providing an honest assessment when asked. And the only way I've ever improved as a writer was by looking for patterns when people say, "Work on this." You were a tremendous help. Don't let other people feed you crap. If one asks for a critique, one must be prepared to hear the good and the bad.

I just hope I'm not the 'bitch' you were referring to up there.

 

[Sammael Bard]

LadyVer: If it's a genre/kink that I don't usually read, I mention it beforehand. I can't read something with hardcore GM, but anything other than that, I can give it a look. If I can't appreciate its kink, I can surely comment on its wrtiting style, plot and grammar. And believe me, I did just that.

BTW, are you free to take a look at a story of mine?

It's a First Time Romance.


KatieCat: I suck at grammar myself, so any advice from me in that department will be mostly generic.

I'd be happy to look into your story, provided you can wait for a few days.


Areala-chan: No, I wasn't talking about you. You're a sweet-heart.

 

[Learin]

....but what can I really say on barely 1 Lit page of a stupid, personalized Sci-Fi story written with a queer kink that I've got no interest in.

Tell them to fuck off.

I gave a very un-ladylike cackle at that.

 

[Katiecat]

Alrighty then, I'll get back in line, certainly no rush - this one was posted in 2008. It seemed to fit best in the humor category, a silly little fairy tale called Rescue Me.

It's super short and painless (only one page), but there are a couple of long-ish paragraphs. If you can get past those, I hope you will enjoy. It got an okay but not spectacular score, which seems to be my usual pattern. And not a lot of views/votes compared to some of my other stories, maybe due to the category?

(Oh, and I wrote this long before Disney adapted Rapunzel. Disney wasn't my inspiration, but the Brothers Grimm definitely were).

 

[LadyVer]

LadyVer: If it's a genre/kink that I don't usually read, I mention it beforehand. I can't read something with hardcore GM, but anything other than that, I can give it a look. If I can't appreciate its kink, I can surely comment on its wrtiting style, plot and grammar. And believe me, I did just that.

BTW, are you free to take a look at a story of mine?

It's a First Time Romance.

I'm not a fan of First Time, but I have edited one I liked. What's the word count? You just want feedback, or copy editing, or both? Feel free to pm me with details.

Sorry for messing up quote. Am on my smart phone.

 

[Sammael Bard]

LateNightStories: Alright, I went through your story but didn't like a lot of things. Scenes, dialogues, characters....it hit too many personal dislikes as I reached the end of Chapter 2. I've already had a bad experience by critiquing a piece that was way out of my comfort zone, so I'd rather not critique this piece.

This is a personal opinion. I'm sure many people would like this story, but it's not for me. I can't find a way to say my words without coming off as an asshole and tear your story apart. I hate to do that.

No offence. I hope you understand that.

 

[LateNightStories]

LateNightStories: Alright, I went through your story but didn't like a lot of things. Scenes, dialogues, characters....it hit too many personal dislikes as I reached the end of Chapter 2. I've already had a bad experience by critiquing a piece that was way out of my comfort zone, so I'd rather not critique this piece.

This is a personal opinion. I'm sure many people would like this story, but it's not for me. I can't find a way to say my words without coming off as an asshole and tear your story apart. I hate to do that.

No offence. I hope you understand that.

That is perfectly understandable. I have no pretensions about the qualities of my stories and people have differing sensibilities.

Still, it would be interesting for me to hear your thoughts. I promise not to get offended or to counter-argue. It's up to you.

Thank you for taking the effort to read through it all.

Peace and love!

 

[Sammael Bard]

That is perfectly understandable. I have no pretensions about the qualities of my stories and people have differing sensibilities.

Still, it would be interesting for me to hear your thoughts. I promise not to get offended or to counter-argue. It's up to you.

Thank you for taking the effort to read through it all.

Peace and love!

Okay, if you insist, I'll sum up my thoughts in 3 paragraphs:

Adopt a show-don't-tell attitude. Perhaps this is the first time I'm doling out such an advice, but you should try to incorporate it in your story telling. Giving me a data dump of the characters and the place isn't something that I have a high opinion of. If you want to show that Sindbad is funny, incorporate his good humour while he's having a conversation. If you want to show that Sindbad is clever, show it through his actions and thoughts. Giving a database like info isn't good, at least for me.

I've noticed a callous attitude in your narration technique. Like when Sindbad stole the sword. It should be a big deal, right? But your entire narration up to that point was quite lousy. If its such a big deal, show me how hard it was to steal it. Show me how Sindbad did it, despite it being a very dangerous theft. It isn't something that two friends speak of in broad daylight, as if they've just stolen a piece of bread from the local shop. This is one of the many examples in your story that didn't settle well with me.

Finally, Sindbad, the main character isn't coming out as well as you must've thought. Writing a character with grey shades is hard, but you aren't striking a balance with your story and his past. Sometimes, he's an asshole, sometimes he's too generous, sometimes he's...oh god, I don't want to dwell further into this thing. You need to do a lot more work on him. I don't have good things to say for a story whose main protagonist itself has a flimsy character sketch.


That's a toned-down version of what I really think about your story. And I'm not going to say anything more. I'll end up looking like a stoopid. No, seriously! I'm not joking.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Rescue Me by KatieCat

Thanks for sticking around. My review will be a short one. Here's a link to the story - Rescue Me - if anyone else is interested in giving it a read.

Let's talk about the category first.

Humour and Satire isn't my go-to category if I'm in a mood to read something. It's a very preferential topic. Some people might laugh their asses off at a story, while others may be highly tempted to rate a one star for all the misery you've put them through with your PJs. Either you hit the bullseye, or you don't.

Personally speaking, I have an affinity for humour content that have a streak of cynicism and sarcastic wit. I absolutely adore these stories. leapyearguy, one of the authors who don't write any more, was my favourite. Although he didn't submit stories specifically for the Humour and Satire Category, he made it a point to include humour in his stories that aren't in H&S. These type of stories just click with me as a reader.

Now, to your story.


Writing Style: You still have that paragraph problem I'd mentioned in that earlier piece. It's not something that I'm used to. I generally put different thoughts, change in tones/voices as a separate paragraph. Your writing style makes it difficult for me to enjoy this thing. Otherwise, I think your skill with the keyboard is quintessentially great. It's fluid and doesn't feel forced upon.

Plot: You did a nice little twist in the end, but it remains at that - a nice, little twist.

D'uh! Don't ask me about it. It isn't something that I have a liking for. But again, that's my personal two cents. Someone else other than me may like it for what it is. It isn't something that someone asks me to critique upon.


Characters: Again, I'll be damned if I start to critique a satirical story for their characters. They aren't supposed to make any sense either. Give me some break here.


Verdict: Your story, what I perceive to be, is a satirical approach to The Grimm Brothers' Rapunzel. I'm sure this might have them spinning in their graves but, oh well, you can't satisfy everyone. This story wasn't a piece that I can actually help you with. And my criticism will be practically worthless except for any grammatical help. It's not your fault, but it isn't something that I like to read either.

Overall, I'd say it was 'Awwwright' for me. I didn't fall of my chair laughing, but I didn't die out of boredom either. After reviewing this piece, I probably should add a warning that I don't review such stuff. Me looking like a fool after such a big piece of rambling isn't something that I'd like to see.

A 3 star from me - meaning I liked it.

 

[Katiecat]

Hi Bard,

Thanks for the review. I expected it to be short -- it's a one page story, after all.

The characters are cartoons; I think this story owes as much to Fractured Fairy Tales as it does to the Brothers Grimm. Yeah, it's a little twist at the end, a little twist for a little story.

Moral: If you wait around for a handsome prince to rescue you, he might turn out to be a toad. And you might figure out that you can rescue yourself, anyway.

 

[Learin]

Since the queue is empty, I'd like to line up my request.

It's an unpublished Non-Erotic part at 10,089 words. The last review helped me a ton, and I hope you'll look into this one too.

No problem if you're busy. I can edit it myself.




Lee.

 

[strycat]

Hello Soulful Bard, I would appreciate your time if you (or other members ?) could please critique my story, https://www.literotica.com/s/boat-shopping-ends-up-in-mfm-sex
The comments posted so far have not been good. Thanks.

 

[Devilius]

Since strycat gave an open invitation to critique his story, I'll roll up my sleeves and roll out my mighty 2 cents.

Admit it - Your grammar sucks. Just look at the opening paragraph, and the subsequent ones like it:

While shopping for a boat we saw a listing on CL for a 40' older Chris Craft, so Sunday we decided to go take a look, it was a 45 minute drive to the marina, my wife was wearing a short white pleated tennis skirt and the matching polo top with no bra, sneekers and a visor completed the casual look, when she was in the I car I noticed she had on sheer white panties, I was hoping for none at all, we stroked and fondled as we drove along, it was a beautiful day out, the lake was full of boaters and skiers,

It's riddled with commas. Not a full-stop in sight. Full run-on sentences make my eyes tear up. It doesn't read good. And it sure as hell doesn't look good.

GET A FUCKING PERIOD IN THERE!

There's also grammatical errors in sentence structuring.

It's a one Lit page stroker story. Nothing wrong with that, but in such a short story devoid of any good plot you have to make it up in grammar and narrative. If you blow it up in the grammar department, then you've already lost half of the battle.

Aaaaand you blew the other half of the battle with your narrative style.

This story has obviously been typed by a one-handed guy.You haven't nailed it right in a single area. No good erotica, no grammar sense, no plot, no nothing. You need to work a lot on your writing. Read some good pieces out here, and try to learn something from them.

No hard feelings, but I'd give a one star for this terrible piece. Add the fact that it's in LW, it's no wonder the jackals tore your story apart.

 

[strycat]

Thank you Devilius. I've asked to have my story deleted.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Lyerin: I look forward to read it. If you're not in a hurry like the last time, send it to me after 1 June. I'll be happy to critique and do an editing, if time permits it.

Cheers!


strycat: I mostly agree with Devilius' critique. Can't think of any point to add on top of that.

Stroke fantasies are great for a short read, but you have nothing that holds my interest. I'd have to be as blind as a bat to ignore your grammar. It was a huge turn-off. Grab a basic grammar guide and start tutoring yourself, because you really need it. Learn from the narrative techniques other authors use. It should a big help.

I think deleting the story would be great. Post it afresh when you think it looks better. That way, you'll have new readers looking at it with fresh eyes.

Good luck.

 

[Devilius]

Thank you Devilius. I've asked to have my story deleted.

It's rare to hear a thanks for tearing up someone else's story. Don't be depressed. You can do much better than that.


If you want to remove a story, submit a story by the Title REMOVE and in its contents, write the names of the story/stories you want to see removed. Put it in any category you wish.

Stories are usually removed within 7 days of the request.


Good Luck!

 

[strycat]

It's rare to hear a thanks for tearing up someone else's story. Don't be depressed. You can do much better than that.


If you want to remove a story, submit a story by the Title REMOVE and in its contents, write the names of the story/stories you want to see removed. Put it in any category you wish.

Stories are usually removed within 7 days of the request.


Good Luck!

Devilius, I took your reply as your honest opinion, a bit cruel to a newbie, but with your experience I respected it. And saw my blatant punctuation errors as fact, not tearing up.
I changed my settings to no anonymous comments and the hateful comments stopped. And some people favorited my stories, and shockingly also me as author. So I'm leaving them up for the strokers. But I've contacted a writer with many stories published and experience. He has offered to proofread and make changes as he sees fit to my future stories. Also I read some stories with high ratings that had the common they/they're/their mistakes. And the critique after yours included, "It should a big help.". I want to improve so I take any civil advice to heart. Thank you for your time, and reply.

 

[CyranoJ]

[never mind this actually, I'll save it for another story]

 

[Sammael Bard]

I wasn't offering one-time coupons for my review, ya know.

 

[Glaze72]

Feedback Appreciated

Soulfull Bard:

Here are the first two sections in my story. Scores are solid but not spectacular. Incest (B/S, M/S, cousins).

Feedback is appreciated. IM me your opinions.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Soulfull Bard:

Here are the first two sections in my story. Scores are solid but not spectacular. Incest (B/S, M/S, cousins).

Feedback is appreciated. IM me your opinions.

Please post the links to your stories. It also helps other lurkers on this thread find and read your story, and perhaps give some feedback too.

 

[Glaze72]

Feedback

Please post the links to your stories. It also helps other lurkers on this thread find and read your story, and perhaps give some feedback too.

Sorry. Here you go.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-cahmberlain-coven-ch-01-02

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-chamberlain-coven-ch-03-05

Thanks.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

If you have the time and the inclination, Bard, I'd appreciate hearing your views of this one of mine:

The Sacrifice and the Scholar

 

[lisahotnsxy]

I have written a story and I am reasonably sure that the first part of my story didn't even stand up to my own expectations. However I am not sure how could I improve it.

I have seen very constructive criticisms and feedback here. I was wondering if I could get some comments on my story/the mistakes I make while writing, so that I can improve in the following chapters.

Here is the link to my story
https://www.literotica.com/s/revelation-of-her-slutty-self-ch-01

I didn't want to spend a lot of time in the threesome between Ed/Akira/Rachel as I wanted to concentrate more on setting the scene for Lisa's seduction, rather than just some sex.

Cheers
Lisa

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I read some of it. Your mechanical writing is good, I see few flaws to harp over.

That said, I note two problems for your consideration: The tone isn't exciting, Lisa seems bored. She's what I call AMBIVALENT. TWO: Feeling and thoughts are different and not the same in any way. Feelings are mad. sad, glad, afraid, hungry, sleepy, horny, tired, etc. I WAS SO DEPRESSED I WANTED TO JUMP OFF THE ROOF is a feeling (upset) plus a thought. But its no feeling alone. More: AFTER THE CAR SPRAYED RAIN WATER OVER MY NEW OUTFIT I FELT SO DEPRESSED I WANTED TO JUMP OFF THE ROOF adds to the power of the expression.