I'll be your critic

[The_reluctant_wordsmith]

popping my head in

Quick question for the bard, are you open to critique draft copies of stories or only completed works. Excuse my ignorance, I'm just getting started on here and your criticisms are refreshingly honest.

 

[jackthehack]

This is the first piece I've written. I'd asked for feedback on my own thread but only one person wrote back to me (which i appreciated).

Anything you could add here, Monsieur Bard, would be very appreciated. I'm lacking a little confidence - the more feedback I can get the more I think it'll help.

Thanks in advance

https://www.literotica.com/s/florentine-soujourn

 

[Learin]

Quick question for the bard, are you open to critique draft copies of stories or only completed works. Excuse my ignorance, I'm just getting started on here and your criticisms are refreshingly honest.

You could find a good beta-reader from the Editor's Forum, if that's what you're looking for.

 

[The_reluctant_wordsmith]

You could find a good beta-reader from the Editor's Forum, if that's what you're looking for.

Thank you! I'll have a look over there

 

[Sammael Bard]

Hello everyone! Someone just asked if I'm ill and suffering from a crippling disease, so I'm back to clarify a few things:

First of all,

No, I'm not sick. At the moment, I'm really, really busy with college stuff. Forget about reading and critiquing other stories, I don't even have the time to write or edit my own.

Secondly,

I absolutely apologize to everyone whose stories have been put on hold or have been waiting for long for my critique. I just can't find the time to do that sort of stuff. If I did, I would've. But I can't. I'm getting my ass handed on a platter here, so you have to understand why bashing your smut stories would be the least of my worries right now.

Thirdly,

I'll be back (mwahahaha!). I'm not sure when, but I do promise to finish the list before hell freezes over. Not now, maybe next year, but I will.

Thanks a lot for your patience. There are a lot of critics hanging out on the forum, so you just have to ask one and they'll be happy to show you the ropes. I'll be unavailable for....an indefinite amount of time, so don't hang out your hopes about hearing from me anytime soon. I'll be on the forums, so feel free to ask any thing related to the story side or forum side. I'll answer to the best of my knowledge.


Thanks again.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

No problem...go do...college stuff...learn...absorb...graduate with honors...good luck.

 

[HuckPilgrim]

Dig it! Good luck Sammael Bard! We will be here when you're ready. And if we're not, start without us. Hahah!

 

[Sammael Bard]

Yello everyone!

I'm available for a few weeks and I'm in the mood to dig some stories. There are a lot of stories I haven't critiqued yet, and I'm not sure if the authors are still interested in getting feedback on requests that were posted eons ago. If you're still interested in getting a critique on your story, please say so and your request will be automatically bumped on top.

If there's anyone else interested in getting a wee bit of different perspective on their stories, bump me on this thread. Please be specific in what you're looking for.

And please don't pile your requests on my inbox. Your messages aren't the only ones that come in everyday and I'm most likely to forget about it. So unless you have a fetish for unresponsive PMs - don't do that.

I'd gladly give you a private feedback, but make your request in public.

Till then, I'll sit here and twiddle my thumbs.


Bard

 

[Bramblethorn]

I've got a new story; if you've got time after the backlog I'd love to get feedback. (If not, don't feel bad, I'm pestering everybody else too ;-) Any aspect but in particular on pacing.

https://www.literotica.com/s/riddle-of-the-copper-coin

 

[Endless_Night]

Yes. I'm still interested.

My SRP. Making Ends Meet.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Me thinks that this thread is f-ing jinxed. Just an hour after I posted that message I suffered a fracture on my arm. The last four days have been hell.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I was looking into Endless Night's SRP before they bundled me to the hospital. I've only managed to read and comment on iamincognito's POV till now. I'll look into your POV as soon as I can.

Typing with one hand will be one bitch of an exercise.

 

[Lien_Geller]

I thought typing one-handed was kind of an essential skill for an erotica writer?

...

I'll see myself out.

 

[Learin]

Sorry to hear about that, Bard. Here's something "educational" to cheer you up :

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1OInS9lSD90

 

[Endless_Night]

Me thinks that this thread is f-ing jinxed. Just an hour after I posted that message I suffered a fracture on my arm. The last four days have been hell.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I was looking into Endless Night's SRP before they bundled me to the hospital. I've only managed to read and comment on iamincognito's POV till now. I'll look into your POV as soon as I can.

Typing with one hand will be one bitch of an exercise.

Oh, no!

Perhaps this will be an opportunity to nurture any latent ambidextrous tendencies. If you broke your dominant arm/hand, that is....

 

[JackStrange]

Would love to read what you have to say..... https://www.literotica.com/s/the-perfect-professor

 

[Sammael Bard]

Making Ends Meet by Endless_Night and iamincognito

Here the link to the SRP, if anyone else is interested in giving it a read.

I wasted a lot of words on iamincognito's portion, which he clearly won't be needing. It was a pain in my metaphorical arse to type with one hand, and in the memory of that ruthless, unyielding, soul-ripping agony, I have to add his part to your feedback.

Sorry, ya just have to bear with it.


Making Ends Meet

I'll go from the first post and see what I can dig up from your (and your partner's) writing style, continuity and whatever catches my eye. Let's go through your RP from the beginning with iamincognito45's post #1. Here's what he wrote:

Dave was conflicted. As he pulled into the high end apartment garage, he began thinking of the night and weekend ahead. Easing into his private parking spot near the elevator,

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it right there!

High-end apartment garage? Private Parking spots? I know you're trying to tell me Dave is rich, but you don’t have to rub it on my face. I'm human, not a jackass. If I were him, I'd prefer not stressing so much on what his rich ass owns. Instead, I'd let the story play out on its own and the items (whatever that may be) will fall into their own places. Artificial flattery in third person voice is a great pet peeve. Steer clear and we'll get along just fine. The same thing goes with his next para:

Turning the key, David stepped out of the new dark blue BMW and ambled to the elevator.

Jeez. Cut the crap.

Another irritant I noticed:

Pressing the up arrow, he began to reflect on his time with Lisa. …. then this…. The door opened and he stepped in, hit the "9" button and watched blankly as the elevator rode to the top floor.

I'm a big fan of getting all detail-y on the scenes, but people should get detail-y where it belongs. All the details all the time is just going to increase the word count and fuck a story's pace. You don't want to do that, especially with a free piece that people haven't paid to read at all. There's a lot of distractions out here and you definitely don't want people wandering away from what you have to offer. Shorten it. Tighten it. Whatever. Just don't make this read a pain.

Moving on!

For perhaps the first time, he watched her. Actually watched her. And surveyed what he saw as she rushed towards him, her head down as she continued fumbling with her purse.

I don't fast his reflexes are but to me, Dave's analysis comes off at a Mach 8 speed. If she happened to rush towards me, I'd register her height and probably the details of her hair and face next. I don't know how long the hallway is, but by the time she'd pass me, I don't think I'd be able to size up her tits, let alone those "tight fitting tight fitting long sleeve shirt and every day jeans".

Fuck, it looks even more stupid in the second read than the first one.

What I'm trying to say is… there's no hurry in your own story. Take the time and let the detailed description pass. You can always describe the rest of her another time. It's pretty much a rookie mistake, so I'm hoping by the time you're writing another one of those stories, you've rectified it and found more subtle ways of doing the description thingy.

Details like these are very corny. Might work for most the new audiences, but it grows old over time. Hope you got the drift of this rant.

Again, moving on.

Whoa, hold your horses!

Dave is now contemplating about his relationship with Lisa (as he has been doing for most part of this story) and then suddenly, he feels this strange attraction to a woman across the hall who he just "really saw". Really, dude? What ex-machina is this? It's great that iamincognito waved aside his attraction in the later part of paragraph, otherwise it would've been a really bad read.

Next, sample this paragraph:

"Hey Lisa, it's Dave. Look, I'm really not in the mood tonight OK? I had a shitty day (it was a lie but he hoped she would get the hint) and I'm really not in the mood for company. Maybe some other time".

Inserting a thought like that isn't grammatically incorrect, so to speak. It's simply unconventional and looks out of place. The thought should've been taken out of the bracket and inserted somewhere out of the conversation markers. Something like this would be more…appropriate:

"Hey Lisa, it's Dave. Look, I'm really not in the mood tonight OK? I had a shitty day." It was a lie but he hoped she would get the hint. "And I'm really not in the mood for company. Maybe some other time".

Or better still:

"Hey Lisa, it's Dave. Look, I'm really not in the mood tonight OK? I had a shitty day," he lied, hoping she'd take the hint, "and I'm really not in the mood for company. Maybe some other time".

Your partner could tighten up his writing by cutting loose some of the obvious statements that do essentially nothing, like:

She was clearly not getting the hint. Time to be more blunt.

It's clear from the previous paragraph that Lisa can't take the hint, so you don't have to feed the same to your audience. It could've been written like:

Time to get more blunt.

Overall, your partner has a grip over what he's writing. I really liked his style in some places and overall, there's a chance for improving more on this.



Alright now, let's move on to your part of the story.

Samantha stared at her cell phone, willing it to ring. It sat on the dark granite of the countertop, resolutely, and indifferently, silent. Nearly an hour past the time Cindy had promised to call.

This para could be written as:

Samantha stared at her cell phone, willing it to ring. It sat on the dark granite of the countertop - resolute, indifferent and silent. Nearly an hour past the time Cindy had promised to call.

First question: Why couldn't she just call Cindy for whatever it is that's bothering her? Why does she have to "wait" for Cindy to call?

Am I missing something?

Okay, I sense a slight overuse of commas but overall, you've got the basics of handling a drama. You just need a better way to put it into words and put a period where it belongs for better effect.

In fact, by the time I finished reading first post, I actually liked the way you convey drama. The only downside is your grammar (in a few places) and writing style, which can be tightened up by further practice. That’s an area where no one but only you can help yourself. Take this snippet for example:

A new occurrence over the last couple of months, and one she intended to get under control as quickly as possible. She allowed herself to lean agains the door frame, to give support to her suddenly shaky legs.

Hope you’re getting my drift. And moving on to the last part of your post:

She glanced up and caught her neighbor watching her as the doors to the elevator closed. For some reason the knowledge sent a little shiver down her back.

Whoa, hold your horses right there!

I’ll explain a bit about my particular pet peeve regarding this for-some-reason-she-felt attracted-towards-him thingy.

It’s simply maddening to read this little piece of information, especially in romance/two-people-getting-together tales. This is the bonafide sign of a lazy writer who doesn’t know (or doesn’t want?) to expand the chemistry of two complete strangers falling for each other. The ex-machina gets on my nerve, more so with my broken arm and all.

My interest has kind of waned. I can barely keep my eyes open. Part of it is due to my current painkillers and part of it is due to the story being inflicted on my tired brains. This story is long-ish, and I haven't even made it to the fifth post. I think I should leave the review here instead of spitting intentional venom.

To sum up my ramblings for your writing:

You can write. You only need to tighten it up. If you're really serious about your writing skills, try some of the authors publishing outside Lit, on the main market. I think Donna George Storey might interest you. She's not prolific, but she has a subtle badass writing style that I loooove, especially the descriptions. You might even learn a thing or two in the process.

Sorry for the delay and for this disastrously small review for your SRP, especially for your portion. I summed up what I had to say, but having no idea what the rest of the SRP is like, I can't comment on your work in its entirety. Overall, if I had to rate it according to the Lit system, it'd be a 3 or a 4 star. It was decent for me.

Hope that helped.

 

[NotWise]

Happy to see you back at it. The arm will take six weeks to heal, right? Even without complications.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Counting today, a little less than 5 weeks. It wasn't a compound fracture, so the casts may get off quicker than that. My friend is confident on that one.

Thanks for asking though.

 

[Endless_Night]

Short or not, thank you for taking the time! Wth a broken arm, finishing up my review could hardly be a priority. Glad to hear it wasn’t a compound break.

This was an attempt to write in a slightly different style. I wasn’t quite sure it had come off, but since you didn’t totally pan it I’m going to take that as a win.

That sneaky deus ex machina! It slipped past. I somehow missed it through several proofs. And I do love me some commas. Long windy sentences just spring to the page. I talk the same way as I write, if you can imagine.

You review focused on what I see as my primary writing weaknesses. Helpful stuff. At least I know I’m on the correct track as to what I need to improve.

No dues ex machina. Check.
Cull comma population. Check
Tighten up the writing. Check

I’ll pick up something by Donna George Storey. I appreciate the hint as to direction. I’d like to improve my writing, but still manage to keep my own style and voice. Not always an easy proposition.

Thank you again for your time. Good luck with the arm!

Endless

Oh! And yes, you did miss something. She couldn’t call because she didn’t know Cindy’s whereabouts. Which should have been apparent in the story. If not, my bad.

Alright now, let's move on to your part of the story.



This para could be written as:

Samantha stared at her cell phone, willing it to ring. It sat on the dark granite of the countertop - resolute, indifferent and silent. Nearly an hour past the time Cindy had promised to call.

First question: Why couldn't she just call Cindy for whatever it is that's bothering her? Why does she have to "wait" for Cindy to call?

Am I missing something?

Okay, I sense a slight overuse of commas but overall, you've got the basics of handling a drama. You just need a better way to put it into words and put a period where it belongs for better effect.

In fact, by the time I finished reading first post, I actually liked the way you convey drama. The only downside is your grammar (in a few places) and writing style, which can be tightened up by further practice. That’s an area where no one but only you can help yourself. Take this snippet for example:



Hope you’re getting my drift. And moving on to the last part of your post:



Whoa, hold your horses right there!

I’ll explain a bit about my particular pet peeve regarding this for-some-reason-she-felt attracted-towards-him thingy.

It’s simply maddening to read this little piece of information, especially in romance/two-people-getting-together tales. This is the bonafide sign of a lazy writer who doesn’t know (or doesn’t want?) to expand the chemistry of two complete strangers falling for each other. The ex-machina gets on my nerve, more so with my broken arm and all.

My interest has kind of waned. I can barely keep my eyes open. Part of it is due to my current painkillers and part of it is due to the story being inflicted on my tired brains. This story is long-ish, and I haven't even made it to the fifth post. I think I should leave the review here instead of spitting intentional venom.

To sum up my ramblings for your writing:

You can write. You only need to tighten it up. If you're really serious about your writing skills, try some of the authors publishing outside Lit, on the main market. I think Donna George Storey might interest you. She's not prolific, but she has a subtle badass writing style that I loooove, especially the descriptions. You might even learn a thing or two in the process.

Sorry for the delay and for this disastrously small review for your SRP, especially for your portion. I summed up what I had to say, but having no idea what the rest of the SRP is like, I can't comment on your work in its entirety. Overall, if I had to rate it according to the Lit system, it'd be a 3 or a 4 star. It was decent for me.

Hope that helped.

 

[kcRollins]

Greetings Mr. Bard and everyone else

I just found this thread, obviously. I tried to read all the posts, but might have missed seeing what you're major is in college. Sorry to hear about your arm, but glad it's healing. Had to laugh at Lien Geller's response, although you might not have found it funny.

Anyway, I'd like to introduce myself and offer a couple of stories that I've written for Literotica. They are D/s, one is a one-pager. I asked someone else to critique it, but he wasn't really into BDSM. He did, however, give me a pretty nice review on the longer story. But because it wasn't a turn-on for him didn't bother reading the short short.

I'll link both of the stories, but if D/s is not your cup of tea, you can disregard my request to critique.

https://www.literotica.com/s/remembering-celeste This is the one-pager

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-party-156

Thanking you in advance. Please take care of your arm and don't over use it. It does take time to heal even if it's feeling better to you it doesn't mean it's healed.

P.S. Because initials offer anonymity to gender, I will tell you that I have been from birth female.

 

[Sammael Bard]

On all things related to Literotica and Contests and Stuff

I've gotten more than a couple of questions regarding the recent "drama" on the forums and users that "can't seem to keep it to themselves." and a few more questions regarding the contest and if it is "rigged". I'll answer it as best as I can with this post, one by one, and I hope it satisfies all who have questioned me.



First of all, I'm a moderator. It's a voluntary job, pretty much like a janitor with no pay. Its particulars includes enforcing Literotica Forum Rules in places where I'm a mod. If you've a thread removed in Story Ideas Forum, ask the Story Ideas Mod. If you have a post missing in How-To forums, ask the respective mods and so on.

No, I will not search for a story you're missing. No, I will not remove a post just because it offends you. And no, this is not my job. It's a voluntary position, one that I'm free to do whenever I choose to. Just because a thread's not being removed/moved, it doesn't mean that I'm lazing around and smoking weed. It means I've got greater priorities in my life that need more attention than this place.

As you can see, the contests aren't my domain. They are directly controlled by Laurel and Manu, especially Laurel. AFAIK, Manu handles only the technical aspect of this website. If you have any questions regarding the contests, see the FAQs in the story section. The FAQs in the forum sections aren't going to help you. They're completely different.

If you have something that needs answering (like your story gone missing or a contest entry not being posted despite being submitted before the deadline) ask Laurel through a PM. Be precise and ask to-the-point. If your PM isn't being answered, send one again with a mention of the previous one.

Do not send a PM to me. Besides raising my hands, I can't help you in any way.

As for the drama and hostility in the forums, I assume that the people who wrote me those PMs were adult enough to join this website.

There's a lot shit going on in the real world - terrorists blowing up wherever they can, hate crimes being committed, a racist asshole on the verge on becoming President and so on. Do you actually get upset by all of those?

We ignore most of them because all of them doesn't directly concern us or our interests. If they did, you have the right to be upset about it.

Do what you're here for.

You have a question regarding the English grammar, your story or why Lit doesn't allow characters below 18 in sex? Ask in the Author's Hangout. You want to know where to get ropes and bondage stuff? Ask in the BDSM forum.

Ask as many times as you want. Ask whenever you want. That's what the forums are for. Just because some old-timer troll has seen that question a thousand times doesn't make your question illegitimate. It's as legitimate as the next "new" topic cropping up on the forum.

As for the contest being "rigged" by people who "submit stories just on the deadline" and other "voting block" stuff, I have just one thing to ask:

Are they against Contest Rules?

If they are, they'll be removed without question. But they're within the limits of the contest. What you're trying to say is that some people are using tricks to get advantage over other stories.

Has anyone stopped you from using those tricks yourself? Has anyone stopped you from asking your friends to read and vote on your stories? Has anyone stopped you from writing in categories that get the highest vote? Has anyone stopped you from submitting on the last of contest story submission date?

Some people bitch because they can. It's not as if they're not getting the same advantage. It's just that they won't use the trick and cry foul when other contestants use it to win the contest.

Is it fair to use the tricks?

Depends on the context.

If you're here to win contests then by all means, go ahead and deploy every trick in the book to win it. No one's stopping you. As long as it's within website contest rules, I've no qualms with it. It's a contest and to speak honestly, you're in it to win it. Just because there's a shortcut in a race doesn't mean it's unfair to use it. People calling the shortcuts "unfair" is like.... well, I've run out of similes, but I hope you're getting my drift.

If you're asking if it's fair to the contest itself, I'll say, "No it isn't."

If you want fairness in a contest, then remove the large number of "submission days" and make it to two days of submitting your thing. Have Laurel take two or three days for approving the stories and post all the stories at once on the contest page.

If you don't want voting blocks, then remove the name of the author from the story.

If you don't want rigging, make the sweeps more stringent.

The list goes on and on. And everyone, including you, have differing views on how to make the contests more "fair" to all.

There's no such thing as fair in the real world publishing business. You can't stop a bestselling author's fans from giving a 5/5 to his amazon reviews. You can't stop fake accounts from voting on amazon itself. You can't stop an author from publishing a large number of stories. Even if you did, he'd post it under a fake account (which kinda defeats the purpose itself).

There are a thousand ways to make a contest "fair" and a million ways to get around them.

There's no perma solution for anything. Depressing, right?

No, it isn't. Stick to what you're here for. If you're here to write, write it out until your fingers beg for mercy. If you're here to win, use all the tricks you want to use. If you're here to whine, whine away.

Literotica is simply a platform that allows you to do all that stuff. I like the platform for what it is. It's not that I'm complacent or a delightful doe. I'm patient about the changes. Whining about change won't accelerate the change, as does bombing threads with snark and disregard for a kink you hate. The website, even before I joined, has rolled out changes. I'm confident it'll change in the future. I'm just being patient about it.

This is not a place to speak about these issues, but I need a place where I can freely talk about the things and link them to those "worried" souls who're too timid to post a single thing.

Aaaand if you're still with me, you'll realize that this post took three days to write, with a single functioning hand and all. I may have missed some points, didn't mean some others and have some stupid reasoning within the post.

What I'm trying to say is... I've no interest in a debate. These are my answers to some of the questions I've received in PM. You can still roll up your sleeves and type something out, but you probably won't get any reply from me.

But you can try, if you want.


Cheers, until next time!

Sammael Bard

 

[JackStrange]

I wa sonce tossed into the street by an angry MGA. Couldn't use my right arm for five months -- I grew a beard, of course....

 

[NotWise]

First of all, I'm a moderator. It's a voluntary job, pretty much like a janitor with no pay.

I've moderated on a couple forums (smaller, hobby-oriented, not erotic) and I appreciate what you do. We could change the name from "moderator" to "target" and it might be more descriptive. In the multi-user domains before the forums were invented at least we got cooler names. "Wizard" instead of "moderator" for instance. I was a "God" but I didn't let that go to my head

Aside from that, your post qualifies as a rant. We all have the right to rant when we need to. I take it that means you've resolved your problems with typing with the cast.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Okay, up next is Bramblethorn's Sci-Fi flick. I'm not interested in writing these days (duh) but the reading, I can do that. I'll post your review tomorrow night. If I'm still alive, and not being lazy, I shall be able to do a couple of more stories by the end of this weekend.

Thanks again for being patient.

I've moderated on a couple forums (smaller, hobby-oriented, not erotic) and I appreciate what you do. We could change the name from "moderator" to "target" and it might be more descriptive. In the multi-user domains before the forums were invented at least we got cooler names. "Wizard" instead of "moderator" for instance. I was a "God" but I didn't let that go to my head

Aside from that, your post qualifies as a rant. We all have the right to rant when we need to. I take it that means you've resolved your problems with typing with the cast.

It was a mixture of explanation, rant and giving a logical solution to a given problem. The rant wasn't intended though. But then, my conditions weren't exactly preferable.

I use my left hand to type. The right rests on the shift key and period. My speed is good, but I can only write a few hundred words at a time before my hand starts giving me shit. The best thing about fracture is how you learn to be patient and just let things go if you can't do it. I'm beginning to realize that.

 

[Cmdr_L]

Eh, I'm a big boy, I'll bite the bullet.

https://www.literotica.com/s/enemy-lines-ch-01-04-5

I'm far from done with this, since it's an ongoing thing, but I'd like to improve as much as I can over the course of it. These are the first lewds I've posted anywhere, but I've been writing normal sci-fi for a couple years as a hobby. Mostly I'm concerned about characterization and dialogue. I have a very good idea of what the character is like in my head, but I'm not sure if it's translating well to the page. Any critique that could help me improve going forward is much appreciated.