I'll be your critic

[Dreggenne]

I would love a review. This is my first submission to literotica: https://www.literotica.com/s/the-seminar-6

Any feedback on my non con story would be great. It's not like I could take this to my writers group lol.

 

[Eros5150]

Family Photos: Cabo 2011

Thanks for being a resource. We all think we are writing Shakespeare when we are typing with 1 hand.

https://www.literotica.com/s/family-photos-cabo-2011

Let me know what you think. Thanks.

 

[CyranoJ]

We all think we are writing Shakespeare when we are typing with 1 hand.

I think of myself as more of a Dostoyevsky, personally. Maybe a David Foster Wallace on off days.

Anyway, Monsieur Bard, sorry for backing out of that earlier critique, I really wanted to use something a bit more current for this. So, I figure why not my Nude Day contest story, if you have the time. Thanks.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Just a quick word to say that I saw your requests for feedback. I'm not reading anything as I'm kinda busy with my own stories right now -- one for Summer Lovin' and one Sci-Fi novella. I'll get back to your stories ASAP.

If it's something to need someone to look at it immediately, I suggest you open a new thread out here.


Cheers.

 

[CyranoJ]

No worries, I'm not in a rush. Good luck with your stories.

 

[HuckPilgrim]

I would love a review, if you have the time. https://www.literotica.com/s/the-price-of-fame-1

It's in Incest, but it's been criticized in the comments as being categorized poorly. It's true. I was aiming for the taboo side of the category.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Why do the stories start piling up when I'm most busy?

Just kidding, people. It'll take time for feedback, but I won't back out. I'm almost done with my Sci-Fi project. Summer- Lovin' needs 35% more to be written. It's at around 20,000 words now.

No worries, I'm not in a rush. Good luck with your stories.

Thanks. I really appreciate it.

I would love a review, if you have the time. https://www.literotica.com/s/the-price-of-fame-1

It's in Incest, but it's been criticized in the comments as being categorized poorly. It's true. I was aiming for the taboo side of the category.

Sex with family members that are not related by blood can either be posted in EC or Incest/Taboo.

Incest/Taboo is the obvious choice for Family unrelated by blood as it fulfils the Taboo criteria, but the readership isn't usually satisfied by the Taboo part. Most EC readers are icked the fuck out by the sight of anything Taboo. So these type of stories usually get kicked around like a misplaced luggage on a carousel.

That said, I've seen a few stories in the Hall-of-Fame with the Uncle/niece scenario and others that scored 4.7 and around that and were pretty good.

Ultimately it depends on how you wrote it.

 

[HuckPilgrim]

That said, I've seen a few stories in the Hall-of-Fame with the Uncle/niece scenario and others that scored 4.7 and around that and were pretty good.

Ultimately it depends on how you wrote it.

I'm interested in successful uncle/niece scenarios for a story I'm trying to get my head around now. Do you have a title or author name of one of these high scores handy?

Also, my story isn't any rush job either. Have fun on your story! I'd meant to mention that.

I'm just curious what you think, especially of the main character who I intended as an unreliable narrator. I wrote it as a confession, but there isn't really a category for confession. I realize it's also kind of crazy to have an unreliable narrator for a confessional story, but I think it works. It hasn't scored very highly, but I am sure that's at least in part because of the problem with category. People were very clear about their expectations in the comments.

I've been posting here at Lit for a little over a year and I still get flummoxed by the categories. My stories don't always conform, which can be both a gift and a curse!

 

[Sammael Bard]

I'm interested in successful uncle/niece scenarios for a story I'm trying to get my head around now. Do you have a title or author name of one of these high scores handy?

Also, my story isn't any rush job either. Have fun on your story! I'd meant to mention that.

I'm just curious what you think, especially of the main character who I intended as an unreliable narrator. I wrote it as a confession, but there isn't really a category for confession. I realize it's also kind of crazy to have an unreliable narrator for a confessional story, but I think it works. It hasn't scored very highly, but I am sure that's at least in part because of the problem with category. People were very clear about their expectations in the comments.

I've been posting here at Lit for a little over a year and I still get flummoxed by the categories. My stories don't always conform, which can be both a gift and a curse!

I don't venture out to the story site regularly as I used to, so I'm not sure if those stories are still in the Hall of Fame or not.

The Uncle/Niece story I mentioned had something like an entire family going to a snowy hill for vacation. Uncle and Niece reach first, they take the snowmobile and head towards the mansion. Niece forgets a luggage, goes back but doesn't return. Uncle finds her in the snow, all blue coloured and shit. He saves her life, and henceforth. Turns out the niece already had a thing for her widowed uncle, so she was trying to seduce him. It was like 6-7 Lit pages and had a rating of 4.71, I think. I don't remember the name though.

Confession-like stories usually goes into Transcripts and letters category, but the Taboo part makes it......uh, what do I say, difficult to fit in. I'd say you stick to Incest/Taboo category. There's an audience for everything. I'm sure some people might have loved your story for what it was. The most vocal haters are what you heard in your comments. Don't change your style or ideas just because of petty categorization.

 

[HuckPilgrim]

Thank you for the encouragement, especially in regard to originality, creativity and categories. I like to think I know all that stuff, but it's always helpful to get a reaffirmation boost.

And thanks for the hard intel on confession stories. I may write a few more and if I do, now I know where to post them!

 

[Sammael Bard]

The Seminar by Dreggenne

My Sci-Fi draft is near completion, so I thought I might start reviewing something. Here's the direct link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: https://www.literotica.com/s/the-seminar-6

Take everything I say with a gigantic grain of salt. I'll try and summarise my ramblings into these coherent points:


1. Always try and use an active voice. A passive voice in third person is boring as compared to its counterpart. Passive voice slows down the pace, and your story as a result. Also, try to lose words that induce flab in your story. Since you're not being paid by the words, shoot the words that do nothing, or are redundant.

For eg.

In the middle of a packed sand arena stood an affable looking man in his mid 30s. Wearing jeans that were neither tight or baggy. Distressed from time worn whilst working, not by a designer's plan. A tidy blue shirt was tucked into said jeans. Clipped to this shirt was one of those wireless microphones useful when talking to a crowd but needing the freedom to move around.

He smiled to his audience.


This is what you wrote as your opening para. If I were in your place, I'd write something like this:

A man in his mid 30s stood in the middle of a packed sand arena. Clipped to his shirt was a wireless microphones.

He smiled at his audience.


That's it. Readers won't miss a thing if you lose what type of faded jeans he was wearing, or what shirt he had tucked into it. They can also understand that a wireless microphone can allow free body movement. They don't need your input for that. Their imagination is powerful enough. You can trust your readers on that one.


2. This point depends on how serious you are about a story, but if you think your story was good enough for a critique and you want to improve as a writer, go for whatever helps to improve your writing.

Try to put yourself into your character's shoe and enact the thing in your own theatrical way. Their pauses, expressions, theatrics etc. will come up by themselves.

For eg.

"Thank you all for coming to my seminar. Tonight I am going to show you how ponyplay can be really effective in the initial training stages of your slaves. It doesn't have to be something you want to continue, though I do hope once you try it you might want to continue. Its a great way to give your slaves some cardio and strength training all while reinforcing their complete obedience to you"


This is what you wrote when the anchor starts the announcement.

It looks drab, devoid of any emotion, blurted out as if in a hurry and no confidence at all. I expected the last part because if you want to make a slave trainers, you have to make them look and appear confident. Wimpy trainers don't really exist in my fiction. I've never seen one.

If I were you, I'd try something like this:

"Thank you for coming to my seminar," he said. "Tonight I am going to show you how effective ponyplay can be in the initial training stages of your slaves. It doesn't have to be something you want to continue. Although, once you try it you might want to. Its a great way to give your slaves some cardio and strength training all while reinforcing their complete obedience to you"


Notice the breaks, words I cut out and stuff. I couldn't change a whole lot of your words as it is your writing style, not mine. But I hope you get my drift.


3. Your grammar needs a thorough polishing. Not trying to be a Grammar Nazi, but your usage of words is...fairly lacking in parts. Overall, I'd rate it a 3/5 as my experience. Try and see if you get a good editor for your story. Editors, or even Beta-Readers, are always of great help.


4. You have a tendency of going gung-ho on details, like that part where the anchor is describing the bridle part. It seems as if you lost yourself in your own world. The description wasn't so bad, so to say, but I think it was longer than necessary. I don't the exact details of what is that thing. Unless its anatomy plays a very, very crucial role in your story, refrain yourself from describing everything.


5. I didn't see much resistance from the slave. It read good, but I wasn't satisfied. Totally my personal opinion.


Overall, if I had to sum up my points, I'd say this story was a decent read. It can use a lot of help here and there, but it's still good nonetheless. Your story definitely flowed better after I got used to it, but my reading came to an abrupt halt on page 2. For a short story, this was a decent read. I'd rate this thing a 3-star; Meaning it was decent for me.

Hope that helped.

 

[sr71plt]

In the middle of a packed sand arena stood an affable looking man in his mid 30s. Wearing jeans that were neither tight or baggy. Distressed from time worn whilst working, not by a designer's plan. A tidy blue shirt was tucked into said jeans. Clipped to this shirt was one of those wireless microphones useful when talking to a crowd but needing the freedom to move around.

He smiled to his audience.


This is what you wrote as your opening para. If I were in your place, I'd write something like this:

A man in his mid 30s stood in the middle of a packed sand arena. Clipped to his shirt was a wireless microphones.

He smiled at his audience.


That's it. Readers won't miss a thing if you lose what type of faded jeans he was wearing, or what shirt he had tucked into it. They can also understand that a wireless microphone can allow free body movement. They don't need your input for that. Their imagination is powerful enough. You can trust your readers on that one.

Here's a case of overediting. The reader will, in fact, lose content that was in the original. They will lose that he appears friendly as opposed to any other mood (affable looking). They will lose that he appears to be a working man. They will lose that he appears to be a tidy person. The reader's imagination can't fill in any of this information unless you demonstrate that they get it in a more appropriate context.

Unless you add these observations of character traits in somewhere more appropriate or can point out why they don't matter to the story, you aren't editing, you're rewriting. And, in this case, you are subtracting information provided in the original on the character that could be important to know (you can't assume it's not important by not demonstrating it).

"30s," by the way, should be written out: thirties.

 

[CyranoJ]

Yeah, I'd say Pilot has a point.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Here's a case of overediting. The reader will, in fact, lose content that was in the original. They will lose that he appears friendly as opposed to any other mood (affable looking). They will lose that he appears to be a working man. They will lose that he appears to be a tidy person. The reader's imagination can't fill in any of this information unless you demonstrate that they get it in a more appropriate context.

Unless you add these observations of character traits in somewhere more appropriate or can point out why they don't matter to the story, you aren't editing, you're rewriting. And, in this case, you are subtracting information provided in the original on the character that could be important to know (you can't assume it's not important by not demonstrating it).

"30s," by the way, should be written out: thirties.

I said that "if I were you, I'd write it like this."

Totally his choice whether to accept my input or not. I would've clarified an editing if I did one. Even if it came off as an editing, it wan't my intention to do so.

I didn't know how his appearance would be crucial in his story because the entire story's focus was on something else other than him. His appearance does little to strengthen his story's narrative. So I thought it might be better off without it altogether.

Anyway, you're right in all aspects.

It was my personal opinion. I don't want to speak on behalf of others like I did there.

 

[sr71plt]

But you would still be deleting information that might be important to the story and can't be assumed not to be or not fitting better elsewhere without your covering that in your critique. Whether you assume you are being a content editor here or not, that's the logical assumption of the author you're critiquing. The motto of professional editing is "First, do no harm," and deleting information without showing why it can be deleted at that point is doing harm to the original.

You stated that the reader wouldn't miss anything, and that's not true within the context of your critique.

We're getting a lot of advice here (well beyond advice you're giving) that is screwing around irresponsibly with the original.

Don't mean to backbite, but if you set yourself up as a writing guru, you really should have some grounding to do so. You are also taking on a responsibility to demonstrate expertise. Those seeking your help will assume you have it if you hang out a shingle (which, yes, is naïve of them--but they do it anyway).

First, do no harm.

 

[LadyVer]

FWIW, story feedback and reviews can be a quagmire. Sr raises important points about author's voice, style, and ownership. The important thing to remember when reading a piece for critical analysis/review is:

What stops the reviewer in the reading process? How frequently does the reviewer stop while reading to try to figure out what the author is trying to say?

What stops the reviewer from finishing the story?

Does the reviewer like the category/genre of the story?

What is the reviewer's experience and knowledge of writing and editing?

Reviews are subjective. One reader thinks a story deserves an award. Another reader thinks the author doesn't know how to write.

I think most of us would agree that those who set up review threads do so with good intentions. Reviewers on Lit walk a fine line. Bard does a pretty good job.

 

[sr71plt]

I don't disagree that Bard does a good job in general. This, though, is an important point that I've seen mishandled frequently here by multiple "reviewers." The responsibility is perhaps greater than reviewers are realizing, and it's not off base to point out where it's going beyond the bounds of being more help than harm.

Suggestions on rewriting of passages must cover everything in the original--or indicate why, from a fuller read of the work, that the material can be dropped at this point or forever (often it can and should be dropped). That's a simple and basic concept of suggesting a rewrite--which is an editorial function.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Alright, alright I get it. I'll try not to delete stuff and not insert my own thing in an excerpt. I'll give fuller explanations from now on. I give opinions on what I think, and I don't expect all to agree with me. I'm no stranger to mistakes, but I try and improve.

Point taken to heart.

 

[LadyVer]

I still think you do a pretty good job. No worries.

 

[LastLostIdols]

Hey Bard I just recently put the second part (first chapter) of my series up and was wondering whether or not you could give some insight into it for me.

Prologue; https://www.literotica.com/s/chelsea-ch-00-it-started-with-chelsea
Chapter 01; https://www.literotica.com/s/chelsea-ch-01-2

I'm not looking for anything in particular just want some general feedback, what you thought, liked, hated etc. I've found since I joined this site that my writing has improved tenfold, and I just want to keep improving it. So I'd really love some good honest critique.

I'm currently working on chapter 2 along with a lot of other stuff. So if you agree I'd be happy to give you some credit in my next part.

What's it about? It's a taboo story, with a Step-sibling courtship developing slowly over a period of short sequential stories with a few bumps and bruises along the way. No actual incest here, just step-bro/step-sis stuff.

Let me know if you can and if so what you think. Thanks.

--LLI

 

[8letters]

Thanks for being a resource. We all think we are writing Shakespeare when we are typing with 1 hand.

https://www.literotica.com/s/family-photos-cabo-2011

Let me know what you think. Thanks.

There is a lot to like about the story. Your description of Mexico, the ride to the beach and the beach were very poetic.

However, the way the story was written didn't pull me in. The beginning is really slow as you have four paragraphs of throat clearing before the story actually starts. There's almost no dialogue. When I saw that nothing was happening early on, I started scrolling down to find some dialogue and was surprised to reach the end of the story.

There isn't any dramatic tension - the daughter masturbates while the mom silently watches, the mom starts to masturbate while the daughter silently watches, then the daughter initiates lesbian sex which the mom readily agrees to.

I hope that helps and keep writing!

 

[Sammael Bard]

Family Photos: "Cabo 2011" by Eros5150

Here's the direct link to the story: https://www.literotica.com/s/family-photos-cabo-2011


Let's start with the bad things that I personally didn't like reading.


There are no conversations in it. Very little dialogues, if any.

As a big fan of dialogues and drama, I like reading that part. It adds/decreases pace, tells a lot about your character, and can do a whole lot of other things. I find it quite odd that you didn't add anything of that sort. Passive reminisces are good, but I don't think they can propel an entire story on its shoulders.

It's a personal opinion really, but I'm not satisfied with this particular aspect of your story.


Another thing is the tension while doing something taboo. That's what usually sells an Incest story. If it's not high on sex, it should high on drama and a little bit of sex. Your story has none.

It's the only thing that I like while reading an Incest story. Be it with a Non/Consent theme or mutual romance, there has to be some tension or else you've got the attention span of the readers for as long as the story lasts. After that, it's "poof" from their brains.

As a regular reader, I'd rate this piece very poorly.


Grammar....well, I bitch a lot about grammar these days because I'm writing my own piece. Yours was a bit off putting in parts. Using In vs. On, separating dialogues with a para for Lit and others were a off putting for me. You can easily find an editor from the Editor's Forum if you want.


Now switching to the good things.

Your description of the local area is what might've stopped me from pressing that 1 star. I like reading stuff that enhance the environmental picture. I really liked reading what you had to offer on that part. It's really good, worthy of at least a 4/5.

Unfortunately, that's the only thing I liked about your story.

If you ask me for ratings in terms of Lit stars, I'd give you a 2 star -- meaning I didn't like it much. Not that I actually voted your story a 2 star. Just my personal opinion.


ETA: I changed my username, so it's still me.

 

[Sammael Bard]

CyranoJ, your story Heart like a Lion will take time as it's huge. Since my own writings and life are pulling on my legs, I'll save it for later.

Congrats on winning the Nude Day Contest.

 

[CyranoJ]

Thanks, and no worries.

 

[legerdemer]

Critical and easy to say but difficult to do...

Sr and perhaps others have made this point before - that it is the responsibility of the author to take only the criticism that is most apt and true to the author's own story, and leave behind the stuff where the editor is rewriting the story in his or her own style and to his/her own taste (which may happen inadvertently). But that's easy to say and very hard to do, especially for new writers.

It is also difficult not to take criticism personally - but we all start out inexperienced. Experience is hard slogging. Some get there faster, others slower. Hopefully we all get there some time...

Still, feedback is hard to come by - most comments left on stories are useless from this POV. So I appreciate the work Bard and Lien_Geller have volunteered for, but I keep in mind that they give me feedback filtered through their own taste buds.