I'll be your critic

[kaleidoscopeyes]

I would appreciate one of your thoughtful and thorough critiques. My "story" is truly more of a vignette. It is a peek into the life of a horny slut who takes matters, along with a few household objects, into her own hands.
If you could tell me if it flows and your opinion of the style/voice. My first instinct was to start on the past tense and then switch to the present as the narrator becomes caught up in reliving the story but in the end went with the more correct and consistent route.
Looking forward to your thoughts.
literotica.com/s/feeling-the-burn

 

[HuckPilgrim]

Hi Kaeidoscopeyes, I just read "Feeling the Burn" and really enjoyed it. I think because it feels so unguarded and real. Good work!

The version I read just now still switches from past to present about halfway through, but maybe it just hasn't been updated by the site?

Icy Hot. Holy cow! It's not in your story, but I couldn't help but think about plunging into someone who had done something similar, unaware that the Icy Hot was there. OMG, would that be a wake up call. It's just such a visceral passage.

Keep writing.

I hope it's okay to put my comments here. If not, I apologize in advance!

 

[jalaurie]

Bella Donna feedback

I would like a little feedback, if you are so inclined.

https://www.literotica.com/s/bella-donna-ch-01
https://www.literotica.com/s/bella-donna-ch-02

Thanks.

J. A. Laurie

 

[PalmTreesandSand]

Would love constructive criticism on my first attempt at writing

My very first attempt at writing is called "Not Just Another walk in the Park" in the Non-Consent/Reluctance category.
https://www.literotica.com/s/not-just-another-walk-in-the-park

This is only the first chapter of the story. The rest of the chapters have been submitted but not yet approved.

I would love any feedback I can get.

Thanks,
PalmTreesAndSand

 

[Sammael Bard]

Heart Like a Lion by CyranoJ

Here's the link if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: https://www.literotica.com/s/heart-of-a-lion

Starting with your opening:

The concrete suburbs of Blossomville were in the doldrums of a Midwest summer's day, the sun looking on down from a cloudless sky with a gaze made up of heat and spite and boredom. The three-storey buildings of the Village Park Apartments hunkered under the solar bombardment like a collection of shabby drunks leaning on one another for support, perhaps reminiscing about long-gone glory days when landlords cared about the little niceties like painting and cleaning and maintenance and building codes.

One advice:

Tone. It. Down.

The first thing some readers do is scroll down the page and see the size (14 Lit pages in your case). After some run away screaming bloody murder, the remaining will try to judge if your story is worth reading by sampling the first few paragraphs. If it still doesn't do anything for them, they'll follow their predecessors and slink away.

Holding a reader's attention is very important. The first para is like an extended advertisement billboard of what you're entire story is going to be like. If you nail this one, you've overcome a huge obstacle.

Your opening was....plush. I can't find a better word to describe it. If you're using a thesaurus, I'd advice it to be flung out from the nearest window. Using complexities like these doesn't do anything for me. It isn't intriguing and all I get is a tardy description of a building in summer heat. Intrigue is the key, not complexity. Write something that makes me want to read the next paragraph.

The same thing can be said for the rest of your story and your writing style, in general. I'm having a hard time slogging through the prose that depict a one liner in fancy three lines. I mean....phew, I'm having a panic sweat right on the first page. No offence, dude, but interesting is the last word I'd pick for your story.

I'd spare myself from the torture for now and keep your story to the side. I just can't go through a story like this with a foul mood colouring my thoughts and feedback. I hope you can understand that. Your style of writing isn't for me. Too many words and talking in circles isn't my cup of tea.


Bard

 

[CyranoJ]

Heh. I do get the feeling that relatively few people who view the story are making it to the end and that the density of the prose could be part of the reason for some of them, so thanks for providing an outside perspective on that.

If you manage to overcome the panic sweats and look at any other aspects of it, I'd value your thoughts, but don't... as it were... sweat it if it's just not your cuppa. Thanks for making the attempt.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Heh. I do get the feeling that relatively few people who view the story are making it to the end and that the density of the prose could be part of the reason for some of them, so thanks for providing an outside perspective on that.

If you manage to overcome the panic sweats and look at any other aspects of it, I'd value your thoughts, but don't... as it were... sweat it if it's just not your cuppa. Thanks for making the attempt.

Dude, I don't how many agree/disagree with me. I just say what I want to say. For me, lush proses are fine once in a while. It stops the story from being terse and monotonous. But proses like these -- ALL the time -- backfired badly here. It slowed down your story to a very sluggish pace. And I really hate something without a pace.

Maybe I'll read it some other day, but I'll save my bravery for now.

 

[Sammael Bard]

It Started with Chelsea Ch. 00 and Ch. 01 by LastLostIdols

Here's the direct link to the story: https://www.literotica.com/s/chelsea-ch-00-it-started-with-chelsea

Without a doubt, your prologue has one of the best opening I've ever seen. It starts with a question and has humour at the same time. Well done for conjuring up that attention grabbing opening. Bravo!

Emergency Broadcast: Humour is my Achilles heel. Anything humorous that tickles me the right way automatically gets a 5 star. Sorry, it's a personal quirk, and you cannot stop me.

There, my friend, I said it. I can't really help you with your story if I'm blinded by golden humour filling my pages. Humour is great. No doubt about it. But judging by the high-scorers in Incest/Taboo category, it's the Romance that steals the thunder. I safely assume that if you have Romance, or kink in equal parts, you have a high-score on your plate.

If not...well, make it long, say 6-7 Lit pages, the entire stuff combined in one piece, so that the readers who stick from first page to the last, vote a 5 most of the time. You can never go wrong with long stories with this theme and writing style. I bet my non-existent moustaches on it.

The erotica doesn't work here. It's fun, not titillating, so I guess some readers who were waiting for hot, sweaty action were very disappointed. Don't blame yourself. It's the way things are here. Readers come here to get off, rather than appreciating the finesse with which an author has executed a story.

About Plot -- nothing to say now, is there? I don't have a clue where you're taking this, so I'll keep my mouth shut.

My advice: Keep it coming. If you're writing a series spanning 1 Lit page, make sure you post it regularly or else people will lose interest and the views for subsequent chapters will be awfully down.

Write the way you're writing. Be consistent with your style and make sure that you don't drag the plot for the sake of readers. If it needs to end, end it right there. Don't drag it.

I dunno where you're taking the story, but to me it deserves a 4* or above for the Prologue and Chapter 1. Nothing less. Much thanks for sharing this one. I needed the laugh.

That's all.




Bard.

 

[Sammael Bard]

HuckPilgrim: You might want to check out your comment's board. I don't have any sort of constructive criticism available, so I assumed my thoughts would suit best in your story's comment's section.

kaleidoscopeyes: I peeked into your story just now. Although Toys and Masturbation isn't my forte, I read through it once. You too might want to check out your comment's section as my criticism on your story is fairly lacking for this thread.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Bella Donna Ch. 01 and Ch. 02 by jalaurie

Here's the link to the first chapter if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: https://www.literotica.com/s/bella-donna-ch-01

First things first, I'm not a woman and I don't like being addressed as a woman. When you write a story addressing the readers as a feminine "you", you, as the author, alienate a lot of people, especially males who're reading your story. I'm not wearing a deep red blouse and certainly not wearing a short black skirt leaning against your car. No, sir.

Despite the initial hiccups, I like your writing style. A Dom (I'm assuming here the one narrating the tale is a Dom) has a powerful voice, and he exudes power and control from the first two paragraphs itself. It feels perfectly done. The tone, the casually bored feel to it is something that I liked immensely. I should say that's a job done pretty dang good!

One thing that I like in story is its environment. You have ticked the right boxes in this case. The description is ample, not overstepping the boundaries or anything. Just how it should be.

I don't know what sort of feedback you're asking for. The story, despite the "you" factor seems to be very well written. The audience for these type of stories is a very thin niche, but there is a niche. On Literotica, as far as I've read till now, addressing the readers as "you" doesn't work well in most cases. I won't say it doesn't work at all, because that would be untrue. Most haters would simply down-vote your story just because they don't like being addressed as a female.

I'm a plot person, so judging by the first two chapters, I can pretty much guess where this is going. Frankly speaking, this "you" thing is major deal breaker for me. I'm not as excited as I should've been. With a writing of this calibre, it's easily one of the best things I've read here. But, but, but....that "you" prevents me from giving you a full 5*.

You have a great writing style, and in the end, all of my enjoyment boils down to this factor. I give you a 5* for this writing style. It's truly well done. Other than that, being addressed as "you" took the sting out of your attack. Didn't do much for me as a reader.

Hope that helped.

 

[Soldieringon]

I'm open to criticism. Please, tell me how I can improve.

(gulp) Here goes.

Here are the links to my first two stories. I want to say a couple things first, however. I had them edited, but converted them manually into HTML myself. Any HTML mistakes are mine, and not my editors, nor do they belong to the site mods.

I have generally positive scores, but no criticism (yet)

There goes my tenure Part 01
There goes my tenure Part 02

I would like you to focus specifically on how I can improve as a writer. My editor primarily handles punctuation and I have not asked him for actual feedback.

Thank you in advance.

 

[Endless_Night]

Thank you for agreeing to look at my SRP, Making Ends Meet. It’s slightly unusual as to length of posts. Mine run 1000-1800 words, and there are eleven installments.

It’s romance, something of a cross between BDSM and consensual nonconsent. The story seems to have been fairly well received. My last few posts topped 150 views in two days, and we ended up averaging nearly 100 views per post. Still, views are not input.

This is my first SRP. I tend to be a flowery, wordy writer, with a habit of writing sex scenes peppered with euphemisms. The SRP gave me an opportunity to both improve my erotica and practice a little brevity.

The sex scenes seem to have been relatively successful, but I’m wondering if I’ve fallen into the trap over editing in my quest for a more concise output. I also question whether the temperament of my heroine is a little overblown.

It would be nice to have some ungloved input.

My partner took the lead, as he has significantly more SRP experience. The story has a slow build, and there’s little sex until the end. My partner also has eleven posts, and is equally wordy.

Thank you for the time!

Endless

 

[jalaurie]

Thank you. I greatly appreciate your kind words.

There is a very good reason the book is written in the pseudo-second person POV. It's because that's the way I started it, and I was just too stubborn to change. A rewrite is already in the works. I'll ping you when it goes live.

Again, thank you.

 

[8letters]

Please take a look at my latest

My Day As A Pool Boy
It's my 2015 Summer Lovin' contest entry. 3 pages. Hopefully, it's more to your liking than my prior story.

 

[may_I_please]

Thank you. I greatly appreciate your kind words.

There is a very good reason the book is written in the pseudo-second person POV. It's because that's the way I started it, and I was just too stubborn to change. A rewrite is already in the works. I'll ping you when it goes live.

Again, thank you.

It worked for me

 

[jalaurie]

Where's the "like" button on this thing?

Thank you [may I please].

 

[HiveMind]

https://www.literotica.com/s/lost-in-a-moment

Would greatly appreciate any feedback!

 

[Sammael Bard]

Not Just Another Walk in the Park by PalmTreesandSand

Here's the link if anyone else is interested in giving this one a read: https://www.literotica.com/s/not-just-another-walk-in-the-park

Your opening doesn't make the cut. It's bland and uninteresting. Given the plot of your story, the slight increase in its complexity in the successive chapters, you should invest some time and start with something that holds the attention of your readers. The more you invest, the more you can expect a reader to hold on to your story.

I've read your story upto Chapter 6 and found the plot to be fairly interesting. The only thing that didn't settle well was the lulled pace in parts. In two chapters, there's no plot, so to speak. Only sex, sex and more sex. Most readers expect that you do something with the plot with each successive chapter. If you don't do that, kiss a few loyal readers goodbye with each successive chapters.

Here's what you wrote:

I head out the door at 6:00 am, just like I do every Saturday morning when preparing for an upcoming marathon.

Just a few blocks from my house is a wooded trail with a 5 mile loop around a lake. I love jogging this trail; it's so peaceful and serene being out in nature.

Two words come into my mind: Generic and Boring.

Don't just sit there and describe the actions. Give me a window to her thought, her feelings. All you give me is a bloody description of a park. I won't impose my personal preferences on you, but I'd advice you to check out a few authors like Noble Truth and BackyardBottomslash. The theme they choose to write is somewhat dark and their writing styles are something I can always refer to. Just take a quick peek for an idea.

If I were to write myself, I'd give something like:

I head out the door at 6:00 am, just like I do every Saturday morning. A jog through the park is just what I need to prepare for an upcoming marathon. The wooded trail is just a few blocks away, with a five mile loop around the lake. The atmosphere is calm, serene and peaceful, so it's no surprise that it's one of my favourite places.

Just breathe some life into it. That's all I ask of you. Try to reach out to the reader, engage them with your writing. You're not just telling them what happened, you're narrating what the girl felt that day. Be intimate and all that stuff.

I'm not a ghost writer, so I cannot change much beyond what you've written. And I don't want to do that. Your style remains yours, with your improvement and your voice. Hope you understand that.

I don't have much to applaud about your grammar either. I'm not a good grammarian myself, but a few glaring error in singular/plural, tenses and typos makes this story a very painful read for me. You can easily find an editor from the Editor's Forum.

Speaking of erotica, uh....it didn't do much for me in terms of stimulation. Sex happening and good ol' Bard giving it a read. That's all. Perhaps I'm not in the mood, but I don't much to say about it either way. You wrote it decently. Someone trying to get off this thing might like it.

Overall, to sum up my wishful ramblings, I'd say this piece was a 3-star read, decently written by the standards of Lit and picks up pace from much later into the story.

Did I like it?

Yes. I liked your plot, but it ends that that. After I'm done with your story, I wouldn't bother reading it again because your writing puts me off. I'd consider otherwise if you had something more to offer on my plate other than your plot, like your writing and a erotica written a wee bit better.

 

[LadyVer]

Wherefore art thou, Noble_Truth? That guy can write. A joy to edit for, as well. Just saying.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Well...even though I've been around here three days longer than dirt, here goes.

These have been up a while, but I would like your views on them...if you would kind sir.

Warrior's Choice

Walking the Dog

Be gentle with me.

 

[LastLostIdols]

Here's the direct link to the story: https://www.literotica.com/s/chelsea-ch-00-it-started-with-chelsea

Without a doubt, your prologue has one of the best opening I've ever seen. It starts with a question and has humour at the same time. Well done for conjuring up that attention grabbing opening. Bravo!

Emergency Broadcast: Humour is my Achilles heel. Anything humorous that tickles me the right way automatically gets a 5 star. Sorry, it's a personal quirk, and you cannot stop me.

There, my friend, I said it. I can't really help you with your story if I'm blinded by golden humour filling my pages. Humour is great. No doubt about it. But judging by the high-scorers in Incest/Taboo category, it's the Romance that steals the thunder. I safely assume that if you have Romance, or kink in equal parts, you have a high-score on your plate.

If not...well, make it long, say 6-7 Lit pages, the entire stuff combined in one piece, so that the readers who stick from first page to the last, vote a 5 most of the time. You can never go wrong with long stories with this theme and writing style. I bet my non-existent moustaches on it.

The erotica doesn't work here. It's fun, not titillating, so I guess some readers who were waiting for hot, sweaty action were very disappointed. Don't blame yourself. It's the way things are here. Readers come here to get off, rather than appreciating the finesse with which an author has executed a story.

About Plot -- nothing to say now, is there? I don't have a clue where you're taking this, so I'll keep my mouth shut.

My advice: Keep it coming. If you're writing a series spanning 1 Lit page, make sure you post it regularly or else people will lose interest and the views for subsequent chapters will be awfully down.

Write the way you're writing. Be consistent with your style and make sure that you don't drag the plot for the sake of readers. If it needs to end, end it right there. Don't drag it.

I dunno where you're taking the story, but to me it deserves a 4* or above for the Prologue and Chapter 1. Nothing less. Much thanks for sharing this one. I needed the laugh.

That's all.




Bard.

Hah. Wow, thank you so much. I was expecting something you wouldn't like. But I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I've actually just finished writing chapter 2 today. Thanks for the positivity really needed and appreciated the motivation.

--LLI

 

[princessnocturne]

Hi, I'm relatively new to posting here, and I was wondering if you'd mind giving my story a quick critique. I've read over your other responses in this thread, and you seem pretty knowledgeable and insightful when it comes to writing, so I'm interested in hearing your opinion. It's in the Lesbian category, and I was going more for a love story over sex (although there is sex in the story, for sure) so it may come across as a bit saccharine.
But like I said, I'm relatively new to writing here, so please keep that in mind, but I can take criticism. Here's the link for the story, and thanks in advance.
https://www.literotica.com/s/identity-crisis-10

 

[Noble_Truth]

I'm coming back. I hope. My typing fingers have been itching recently

 

[Sammael Bard]

Good for you.

My typing fingers are burned out. After submitting two 30k word stories, I face an existential crisis.

 

[Sammael Bard]

There Goes My Tenure Pt. 01 by Soldieringon

Here's the direct link if anyone else is interested in giving it a read:

https://www.literotica.com/s/there-goes-my-tenure-pt-01

You specifically asked how you could improve as a writer, so I'll cut the chatter and put down my thoughts into coherent points. I had a cup too many, so any mistake/error/douchebaggery that may have crept in is to be swallowed by the author privately. Savvy?


1. Wordiness.

It's a sin. Get rid of it.

Your opening had an extra dose of wordiness. It's combined dangerously with you trying too hard to describe everything there is in the scene.

Here's what you wrote:

I leaned back across the center of the bed with my back touching the wall, and my feet on the floor. The room was furnished in 'late teenager,' with a cheap dorm room mattress on a wooden frame, and other inexpensive, disposable furniture. A deep violet beanbag sat forlorn in a corner, all vinyl and stuffing. There was a desk chair and a small table that held a laptop and discarded fast food wrappers. The gel skin cover on her MacBook almost matched the lavender padding on the cheap desk chair. I made sure that the laptop was closed while she changed. The last thing I wanted was for this to be recorded. Or worse, broadcast.

Useless description of every possible crap you see in a room isn't my idea of starting a story.

Yes, I get the fact that you're trying to describe a student's room.

And no, the description doesn't have to be so fucking detailed.

Snip out whatever you can. Cheap door mattress, "deep violet beanbag" etc etc. Get rid of whatever you can which doesn't do anything to propel your story or has any sort of use in a story. This is entirely up to you what to keep and what not to. I try hard not to be a ghost writer, but this is what I would've done:

I made sure that the laptop was closed while she changed. The last thing I wanted was for this shenanigan to be recorded.

Or worse, broadcast.

This is the part where your story actually takes off. A para before that and the para after that can be snipped to a great extent. The way you've described Heather would've been nice too if you hadn't injected your trademark dose of wordiness into it. Too many junk words on my screen gives me the panic sweats these days. I was reportedly found unconscious a few days ago with a copy of A Tale of Two Cities. Since then, I've been in therapy.


2. Next thing I found slightly irritating was your use of italics.

Italicised words can be used for many purposes like emphasising a thought, describing a reminiscence or stressing a particular thing in a conversation/thought. Use too many of it and you take out the sting of this potential. I think you could've used a bit less of it in the story.

Minor glitch, but note-worthy.


3. Femdom stories with manipulative dommes do nothing for me.

Personal pet peeve. Totally.

I would've appreciated it if you told me earlier what this was all about. Seeing a NonCon title usually means a man having his way with a woman. I like to see femdom stories with some class. Yours was decently written, but lacked this particular class.

Overall, I'm not really interested in giving this one a further read. Didn't intrigue me much except for the descriptive sex. The wordiness was hard to swallow, and your story lacked some serious pace. For me, these two combinations are death knells for a non-con story.

As for your writing, apart from wordiness, I couldn't find any fault with the grammar. It was well-written from a grammatical POV.

It definitely needs a change in the writing style to make the story a little bit more interesting. I can't suggest a re-write without inserting my own preferences, but I'm sure you understand what I mean by that. Hopefully, that'll make your future stories more interesting.

That's all.