I'm dirty, She's NOT

[SexyChele]

Perhaps, but I've walked in this mans same shoes. His posts sent shivers down my spine, he could have been posting from my own past. Right down to the wife and his sleeping arrangements. So forgive me, but I been there, done that and have both the scars and health issues to prove it. I believe him.

Et all...

No offense at all, Bobmi. You should know me better than that by now!

I'm certain you are valid in your own feelings - after all, how can anyone's feelings be invalid or wrong? And I do feel for you in your situation and am so very pleased for you that you were able to find the happiness that you have now.

But, in all fairness, the only thing we know about your ex-wife is what you tell us. Would you not admit that it's fair to say we are all seeing her with just a tad bit of bias? Just a wee bit? If I come on the boards and say that an ex beat me, was brutal, an asshole, and every other foul thing I could think of, plenty here would agree with me. Why? Who am I? I'm relaying my feelings about him. Unless he were here to present his side, how truly fair is that?

This is where I was headed with intelsuit. I'm sure what he feels is real. And maybe his wife is a controlling, ice-cold, uncaring, bitch who only sits home all day thinking of new and evil ways to torture her husband. Or maybe she floats blissfully along thinking she has the greatest marriage ever. Or....maybe she is just as miserable as intelsuit is. No, that could never be - she must be the controlling, hateful bitch. (/sarcasm) All I'm saying is that, really, none of here know what both of these people are going through. We only know one side. And perhaps one might identify strongly with intelsuit. Others might identify more strongly with his wife. Neither is wrong.

Most here who are telling this man to simply divorce his wife and get on with his life seemed to have gone through nasty breakups themselves. A bit telling, perhaps? If it is at all possible (and it might not be, who am I to know) to make this relationship work, why not go for it? It sounds as if Intelsuit hasn't really spent much effort in positively working on his relationship, so why not at least try? There have been couples who seemed doomed who have come back from the brink of divorce. It is possible. Because it didn't work for some, why rule it out for everyone?

Divorce might be the best option for Intelsuit - only he can know that. I just think it best to try to look at all sides before condemning some one. I'm weird that way, I guess.

 

[warrior queen]

Most here who are telling this man to simply divorce his wife and get on with his life seemed to have gone through nasty breakups themselves. A bit telling, perhaps? If it is at all possible (and it might not be, who am I to know) to make this relationship work, why not go for it? It sounds as if Intelsuit hasn't really spent much effort in positively working on his relationship, so why not at least try? There have been couples who seemed doomed who have come back from the brink of divorce. It is possible. Because it didn't work for some, why rule it out for everyone?

i'm not ruling it out completely.
if it works for him to go into counselling, figure out what's wrong, and make the changes (i'm talking about both of them here!) - then i say 'go for it!'

but i have absolutely no faith in that option.
because both have to be equally willing to try.

and that's such a rare circumstance: in fact, i do not know of a single couple who have done this successfully! especially after so many years!
do you?

in my case, it just prolonged the agony.

 

[Iron_Horseman]

I read this thread with a lot of interest. I see so much of what I lived with for 25 years in a lot of these posts. Lack of intimacy in the relationship (both physical and emotional intimacy), focusing on the kids and not your partner, it's sort of scary to read and remember the pain I was in, and didn't even realize how bad it had really gotten over the years... it all happened in little increments that you never even noticed.

But the bottom line is, intelisuit has to decide if things are worth trying to salvage, or if things are just to far gone. Relationships take commitment, trust and communication at many different levels. If he honestly feels that his marriage can never give him what he needs to be generally happy in this life, then he needs to end it and find happiness. Staying in a relationship he hates isn't fair to either party. But you have to remember, no one can make someone else happy. But someone can make you feel loved enough, safe enough and secure enough to go out and find your happiness. It sounds to me like the lack of sex with his wife is more a symptom of a bigger problem than the whole issue.

I thought long and hard before I started talking to my ex about divorce. Sex was part of our problem, but it wasn't all of it. The only way she and I would ever have sex was when it went long enough she felt guity, and then it was of the wham-bam-thankyou-ma'am variety. She was never interested in intimacy. Like Bombi cheating was always a posibility for me, but it was not something I could do, I am just to much of a boy scout I guess.

Thats my 2 cents worth. Good luck intelisuit

 

[Bobmi357]

But, in all fairness, the only thing we know about your ex-wife is what you tell us. Would you not admit that it's fair to say we are all seeing her with just a tad bit of bias? Just a wee bit? If I come on the boards and say that an ex beat me, was brutal, an asshole, and every other foul thing I could think of, plenty here would agree with me. Why? Who am I? I'm relaying my feelings about him. Unless he were here to present his side, how truly fair is that?

Thats one of the things I've often wondered about. I know that whatever feelings I had for my ex wife died long before the marriage ended. But in retrospect I've tried to figure out what I did to contribute to its failure. I know I'm not perfect, but I keep coming up short with reasons. I wasn't very open about my feelings back then and that probably contributed. But to be honest I can find little in my own behavior which would have justified the treatment I ended up getting. I also have to wonder about certain things which occured before I got married which now days have me wondering how I could have been so blind.

Like her girlfriend breaking down in tears and begging her not to marry me. I accepted the explanation that the girlfriend was a little wacko at the time, but now I'm not so sure. That little scene struck me as odd back then and strikes me as even odder today. Especially in light of the girlfriends mannish appearance. Couple that with her attitude and comments about sex with me and I'm left wondering if I married a woman that might not have been sure of her orientation and took it out on me.

I know that most relationships fail because both parties let them fail. Both parties contribute to the failure. But by the same token I do believe its possible to see a relationship fail because one party isn't being truthful to themselves let alone their partner.

 

[warrior queen]

I know that most relationships fail because both parties let them fail. Both parties contribute to the failure. But by the same token I do believe its possible to see a relationship fail because one party isn't being truthful to themselves let alone their partner.

i agree with you - yet again.

i too have analysed my relationship breakdown, and looked for what i contributed to the rot.

and i keep coming back to the same conclusions - before his diagnosis, everything was absolutely magical.
afterwards he changed very radically as a person... he became frustrated, resentful, angry and bitter.

and as a consequence, so did i.

should i have tried harder to help him through his pain?
probably.
should i have worked more at trying to recapture the 'old' him?
again, probably.

do i really believe now, when everything is said and done, that any of my efforts would have made a difference?
not for an instant.

because he gave up on his life, and through that, on our relationship.

 

[SexyChele]

I know that most relationships fail because both parties let them fail. Both parties contribute to the failure. But by the same token I do believe its possible to see a relationship fail because one party isn't being truthful to themselves let alone their partner.

You know what? It's comments like this and the freely spoken love you have for your wife that causes me to know you must be a good man and deserving of respect.

 

[hotjavagirly]

i wonder

is it possible she is depressed
as I'm reading though this thread
i just keep thinking of someone i knew in a very similar situation
she is on medication now that works for her and things have improved... the drugs weren't a magic cure all but they were a good start

just a thought
i wish you well with whatever you decide

 

[OpenSeas]

...

This is not how I feel anymore.

 

[wicked woman]

Wow. I felt such a visceral, intense feeling reading this thread.

It's an old thread, I know.

Bobmi357, amazing. Your posts are just...they make sense of everything.

<snip>

And Bobmi357, respect.

Sadly Bob hasn't posted on Lit in over 2 years. A loss as far as I'm concerned. He was a breath of fresh air. Hope he's doing well.

 

[SlickTony]

One more question and one more piece of advice for Intelsuit:

1. How often do you kiss her? If you don't kiss her from one week's end to the next, and then approach her on the weekends, you're expecting her to start cold every time.
2. The "bedhot" question: What size bed were you sleeping in all this time? The double, or as it was renamed (as a marketing ploy, I'm convinced) the "full" bed, is just about right for one person, IMO. I have tall kids, and they graduated pretty much from cribs into full beds. Married people of any size need a queen--a king if there's room for it.

 

[Eilan]

We have the man, with his sexual need. We have the woman with her cold, dismissive attitude. We have her manipulating him. This thread just showed so many examples of that kind of cruelty.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could get the other side of the story? Oh, wait. . .