PS: You're done. No further contact is required (or encouraged).
I'm just a girl that can't say no
- Thread starter mernie99
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PS: You're done. No further contact is required (or encouraged).
Dreamliner
Where it shakes
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The direction of your first mtg would appear to be somewhat unusual. For me it would raise the question as to how much time was spent either talking online of via telephone first?
While there may not be a "set" manner in how the initial mtg is conducted, there are expectations. I would not expect a woman to "sort of remove her panties" at this mtg. We are not even decided yet as to our compatability!
Your senses should be working to the max, and if he was tuned in he too would be working with all his senses, picking up on the little hints, subtle gestures. Clearly this did not feature at your mtg.
It is all about respect, yes esepcially btw a Dom and sub. No respect, then the relationship is going nowhere.
I hope your future experiences have an improved outcome.
While there may not be a "set" manner in how the initial mtg is conducted, there are expectations. I would not expect a woman to "sort of remove her panties" at this mtg. We are not even decided yet as to our compatability!
Your senses should be working to the max, and if he was tuned in he too would be working with all his senses, picking up on the little hints, subtle gestures. Clearly this did not feature at your mtg.
It is all about respect, yes esepcially btw a Dom and sub. No respect, then the relationship is going nowhere.
I hope your future experiences have an improved outcome.
BeachGurl2
Sarcastic Smart Sexyass
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You've gotten some good input here. And I think you handled yourself just fine as well.
I've been doing the online dating thing for somewhere around 3 years now, and it never gets easier. But one thing that helps is to spend a little bit of time either emailing, IMing or even talking on the phone before meeting. At least then you know that you have some common ground. Those conversations will depend on what it is you're looking for - if you're looking for a play partner first, then moving into a sexual discussion, interests and all that, isn't far off the mark. But if you're looking for something more than that and you've made that clear, then moving in that direction so quickly is a bit off-putting. I've had first meets from hell - one guy looked me up and down as I walked into the room, said, "It's not a love match but I'd do you," and expected me to leave with him. I just said, "Thanks so much," and turned and walked out. I've learned to develop a bit thicker skin.
I've also learned to say "no, thank you" pretty well, too. Some guys see how hard it is for you to let them down and they will push that advantage. That was a lesson I learned very quickly. Bottom line - who cares what this guy thinks of you if you have no interest and he's being an ass? You have every right to stand up for yourself.
I've been doing the online dating thing for somewhere around 3 years now, and it never gets easier. But one thing that helps is to spend a little bit of time either emailing, IMing or even talking on the phone before meeting. At least then you know that you have some common ground. Those conversations will depend on what it is you're looking for - if you're looking for a play partner first, then moving into a sexual discussion, interests and all that, isn't far off the mark. But if you're looking for something more than that and you've made that clear, then moving in that direction so quickly is a bit off-putting. I've had first meets from hell - one guy looked me up and down as I walked into the room, said, "It's not a love match but I'd do you," and expected me to leave with him. I just said, "Thanks so much," and turned and walked out. I've learned to develop a bit thicker skin.
I've also learned to say "no, thank you" pretty well, too. Some guys see how hard it is for you to let them down and they will push that advantage. That was a lesson I learned very quickly. Bottom line - who cares what this guy thinks of you if you have no interest and he's being an ass? You have every right to stand up for yourself.
Decadent_Dragon
Virgin
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The fact that he started berating you pretty much says it all and that your instincts justified.
No self-respecting Dom does that, imo.
No self-respecting Dom does that, imo.
It's not black or white
Although it's been some time since I had a "first" conversation/meeting with a potential sub, I have had a fair number of these. What's important here is that none of them were alike.
With some, where we had not talked/chatted/exchanged email, etc. before meeting, we had lunch, talked generally, delved into what attracted us to D/s and BDSM in the first place, and perhaps a bit of our experience in the scene. And I think both of us knew within five minutes whether or not we'd want something more than this.
With others, where we'd talked on the phone, exchanged lots of mail, chatted on line, perhaps knew some of the same people, the conversations were quite pointed, especially if we had exchanged an experience survey. Some of these lunches led to immediate play followed by quite wonderful sex. Others did not. Again, I think both of us knew within five minutes how it was going to turn out.
One of the things I've always liked about most folks in the scene is their sense of honor. "No" does, indeed, mean "no," and other than wannabes I've known no one in the scene who's violated that. (I'm sure it has been violated, but in my circles that person would be drummed out as soon as it was known.) Honesty is best, of course, but being honest does not mean you have to be cruel.
"You know? I think you're really nice but I just don't think the two of us have the right chemistry for a successful relationship or even successful play, do you?"
One other thing we always used to emphasize that I don't see much any more--have your safe calls ready, at least for the first few meetings.
Finally, we need to realize that it is probably going to take longer to find someone who is appropriate for us as a play partner and possible relationship than it is to find someone for simply a relationship. Patience is a key virtue in this, isn't it?
Good luck with your search. And keep asking questions.
Bill
Although it's been some time since I had a "first" conversation/meeting with a potential sub, I have had a fair number of these. What's important here is that none of them were alike.
With some, where we had not talked/chatted/exchanged email, etc. before meeting, we had lunch, talked generally, delved into what attracted us to D/s and BDSM in the first place, and perhaps a bit of our experience in the scene. And I think both of us knew within five minutes whether or not we'd want something more than this.
With others, where we'd talked on the phone, exchanged lots of mail, chatted on line, perhaps knew some of the same people, the conversations were quite pointed, especially if we had exchanged an experience survey. Some of these lunches led to immediate play followed by quite wonderful sex. Others did not. Again, I think both of us knew within five minutes how it was going to turn out.
One of the things I've always liked about most folks in the scene is their sense of honor. "No" does, indeed, mean "no," and other than wannabes I've known no one in the scene who's violated that. (I'm sure it has been violated, but in my circles that person would be drummed out as soon as it was known.) Honesty is best, of course, but being honest does not mean you have to be cruel.
"You know? I think you're really nice but I just don't think the two of us have the right chemistry for a successful relationship or even successful play, do you?"
One other thing we always used to emphasize that I don't see much any more--have your safe calls ready, at least for the first few meetings.
Finally, we need to realize that it is probably going to take longer to find someone who is appropriate for us as a play partner and possible relationship than it is to find someone for simply a relationship. Patience is a key virtue in this, isn't it?
Good luck with your search. And keep asking questions.
Bill
the captians wench
sewing wench
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Hmmm...I find this an interesting statement.
I have found it is a lot easier to find some one who's ready to play with me than some one who wants to know me on a deeper level, whether that level is friendship or more romantic. And tho I haven't attempted to search one out, I would think that it would be even harder to find some one interested in a relationship, with or with out kink.
so ease in search would be as follows, to my experience:
casual sex
casual play
play with meaning of some sort
serious relationships
BeachGurl2
Sarcastic Smart Sexyass
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After 3 years online, I'd have to agree, CW. Even men who say they are into the mental aspects of domination often aren't really interested in more than just a booty call. (And I'm using 'men' because that's my world view. No idea how it is from the other side of things so I can't speak to that.) It can get quite discouraging if what you're looking for is a real relationship. You have to wade through a lot of BS to get there.
Someone earlier said patience is the key. I agree. Don't take the bad stuff personally, although I have a hard time with that myself. I think it tends to be a sub/slave inclination to take that kind of thing personally. As you wade through, you'll find more and more things that will and won't work for you.
I had one person email me and tell me that I was delusional and that my standards were too high, that I should lower my standards and pick him. Since my profile didn't really list much about what I was looking for or what my standards were, I had to laugh. As I waded through his email, I realized that he probably sent something similar out to everyone he approached because his comments became more and more general - his idea, I think, of what subs are looking for in general was delusional.
Bottom line is that you will make your decisions on a case-by-case basis depending on what you need. Each person is different. Don't say 'yes' when you know it's not there, and don't feel guilty about saying 'no' when you know it isn't there.
madetotakeit
WARNING: I Bite Back
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I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here and defend th PYL's. There are out there those who are interested in the mental aspects. I will give you that they are so few and far between that they are on the endangered list when you compare it to all of those online who claim to be interested. But, they are there. I have had the good fortune of looking one in the eyes and also conversing with or reading posts from many on here.
Truer words were never spoken. "Patience, patience, patience." The mantra of a pyl. You sift through a lot of coal to find a diamond. Once you see that shimmer, you don't mind the coal dust you had to wash off of yourself. Maybe it's just me, but I have never found instant gratification all that it's cracked up to be. (If it even truly exists.) Good things are worth the wait. I've said it many times. It will still be as true the last time I say it as it was the first time.
I have a hard time with that myself. I think you are on to something with the last statement. If I care about someone, my nature is to please, to nurture. Anything not positive, I tend to look inside for the reason first. I always assumed it was just the way I am. Maybe there really is a link between the two. If I haven't invested any part of me I will give it some consideration and then snarl as I blow it off.
I often find at the beginning of anything new I am unsure about myself. Add to that the fact that I am in unfamiliar territory and you have just turned the amplifier up to eleven! Until I am sure of my footing with anything I am looking for clues. Once I understand the rules and expectations, I will stand toe to toe with the best of them. Of course I may have to eat those words at a later time.
BeachGurl2
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I agree that there are PYLs out there who are very interested in the mental. I know them. There are several here who fall under that as well. I've posted my original quote below with the operative word in my statement.
What I meant by the statement was this. Online dating is a game to many people. When you add in the BDSM, D/s, M/s aspect, it gets even muddier. You have to wade through the BS and have conversations with someone before you can begin to get a read on him/her. Just reading someone's profile won't do it. It's been a difficult process for me because with me, what you see is what you get. I'm no different online - whether posting here or on a profile somewhere - than I am in real life. And until I learned the hard way that my view of others was pretty naive, I thought everyone else was, too. I wasn't saying they don't exist, only that you can't take someone at his word.
mernie99
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You aren't the first one to mention it. The title is actually from a song from the show "Oklahoma." A few lines from that:
I'm jist a girl who cain't say no,
I'm in a turrible fix I always say "come on, le's go"
Jist when I orta say nix!
When a person tries to kiss a girl,
I know she orta give his face a smack.
But as soon as someone kisses me,
I somehow, sorta, wanta kiss him back!
mernie99
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"You know? I think you're really nice but I just don't think the two of us have the right chemistry for a successful relationship or even successful play, do you?"/QUOTE]
Oh, I like that.
madetotakeit
WARNING: I Bite Back
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Sorry, I guess when I read your original post I interpreted the wrong intonation.
bandelero
Really Really Experienced
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PYL/pyl as far as I know is taken as PickYourLabel/pickyourlabel, I guess because their are as many differing interpretations of the various BDSM "labels" as their are people to interpret
(No, I am not a fount of all knowledge, but just a newbie keen to explore the BDSM lifestyle, so if I got this wrong, then PLEASE someone more experienced explain it better...thanks)
tommynova2001
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That wouldnt work...he's going to come back with ~low, evil voice~
I am NOT sweet! I am the great evil dark lord. Master of all I deign survey.
I think the problem continues to be that any man who is trolling for women with his "Domm-i-ness" as his primary characteristic is actually a scared little boy who is afraid that when it comes time for it, the equipment may malfunction. (Yes I SAID it! ~I currently am packing 127 lbs of raw manly menace to back that up)
This makes finding anyone worth spending time with specifically for BDSM fun a self-selecting failure from the start.
In all seriousness, look for vanilla. Kink can be taught or arrived at through mutual exploration. Just ask my wife.
I'd have so much more hope for the question of "How do I tell this great guy I am seeing that I'd like it a little rougher" than "How can I pick and choose the best great guy from a bunch of ads from guys who really like to smack a woman around for sexual pleasure. (I mean really, who doesn't like that?) ~smirk~
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unfoundiamond
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This is essential to me, when deciding to meet someone from online...
I also find it important to ask the important questions and get all I can from the privacy of online... I can ask things I may not in person... I may not feel free to...
I have to say to the OP,
From everything I picked up from your post I think it was a combination of things making for a bad meeting... Jerk guy out for self gradification, and I can tell you didn't find him attractive, and also maybe, a phone call WOULD have weeded this loser out, (like someone mentioned, but I do agree with)
I tried to get some of these thoughts out in the "dating game" thread but fell short of expressing myself well...
I like to be foward and edgy with people when I know them a little, not so much on the first day, but if I am feeling particularly comfortable I may do so sooner... (I enjoy to say those things I can sometimes tell a person is thinking, or something they NEVER think I will say, and shock them... but not in a bad way... and with all the shocking/daring things I have said I have never asked a girl to go in the bathroom and take her panties off for me, that's absurd... its one of those things if he has to ask... its not happening...
I also find it important to ask the important questions and get all I can from the privacy of online... I can ask things I may not in person... I may not feel free to...
I have to say to the OP,
From everything I picked up from your post I think it was a combination of things making for a bad meeting... Jerk guy out for self gradification, and I can tell you didn't find him attractive, and also maybe, a phone call WOULD have weeded this loser out, (like someone mentioned, but I do agree with)
I tried to get some of these thoughts out in the "dating game" thread but fell short of expressing myself well...
I like to be foward and edgy with people when I know them a little, not so much on the first day, but if I am feeling particularly comfortable I may do so sooner... (I enjoy to say those things I can sometimes tell a person is thinking, or something they NEVER think I will say, and shock them... but not in a bad way... and with all the shocking/daring things I have said I have never asked a girl to go in the bathroom and take her panties off for me, that's absurd... its one of those things if he has to ask... its not happening...
Netzach
>semiotics?
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My mileage is that this works about as well as lesbianism can be taught.
There are some closet cases out there who are and just don't know it.
And to those who like swatting flies with 200 pound weights, you're welcome to use the extra effort to convert people. I'll stick to the pool of people who are self-aware. Because as anyone who's met someone who doesn't get it, isn't gonna get it, and doesn't like it, the idea that "everyone's conversion friendly" and/or the "my sexual satisfaction isn't important enough to make it a relational lynchpin" leads to every ninth post in here about "how unhappy I am that my SO isn't into it, but how can I leave over sex?"
That was me. I figured he'd convert. He didn't. Some do. Some really really never will. Why not save yourself and them the headache?
As to the OP, practice your "fuck off" your "thanks but no thanks" and your phone hang-up in the mirror. Believe it or not telling someone I'm not interested doesn't come easily for me, either. Frankly there's no LAW that says you have to be nice about it, kind about it, or that you are responsible for someone walking away in a foul mood. I generally try being polite and if that one shot doesn't work and they want to argue about how I'm wrong or put me down, I wash my hands of how the other person feels about it and break contact. Their hard feelings are not MY problem.
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DeservingBitch
Mostly gone
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And there goes my plan of queering over the world. Fuck.
Marquis
Jack Dawkins
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This is totally pessimistic.
Lesbianism can totally be taught. First you need her to suck on a dried apricot while you fuck her.
For steps 2-11, you'll have to wait for my e-book "How to get your bitch to fuck women and love it - by Marquis"
twysted73
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Netzach
>semiotics?
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Anyone can be forced to saw away at a violin, it doesn't make us all into Pinchas Zukerman.
the captians wench
sewing wench
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Exactly
Am I bi? no. Have I eaten a chick? a few times. Would I do it again? if the right person told me to, but then, in my book the right person wouldn't tell me to, because it's something that really doesn't do anything for me.
It was forced on me, so I did it. Doesn't mean I really enjoyed it, and doesn't make me bi.
