cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
So.
Hi.
How've y'all been for the last two days?
Early?
I'm home early?
You noticed?
Oh how sweet!
Yeh. I'm home early. And i've got a few big ole giant huge enormous "lesson learned" stamps in my passport, too.
Here's what i learned on this go-round, boys and girls:
(1) A really good online/email/phone relationship will not always translate into a wonderful face-to-face relationship.
(2) Just cuz someone is as kinky as i am, has a flock of similar perversions does not mean we'll click.
Most importantly though, and the reason for (1) and (2) is this:
(3) If i've already got my emotions (hopes/needs/wishes - my submission offered, at least the beginning of that) invested in someone, even if it's still just the beginning of that relationship, i cannot spend them with another person without feeling wrong and bad and shocked and unkind.
Here's the lowdown: the man i went to see was perfectly wonderful. He was everything he said he was, everything i'd learned about him. However, he'd had nonstop in-home guests in the three weeks before my visit and our comunications were diminished accordingly.
During those three weeks, my relationship with the other man, the other dom, the one who lives where i live, intensified. During those three weeks, my feelings became more concrete and stronger for the one who lives near me.
But i was conflicted, confused. I wasn't sure i wanted another full-on D/s, you Dom me sub kinda relationship. It hasn't been that long since Steve. (Well, maybe it has...) I have trust issues. He's new to the dominant side and could i, can i, really trust my deepest truest self to someone new to the power issue, no matter that he's spent years on the bottom, watching carefully what went on on the other side? Can i accept the limitations his life partner has imposed on us both - for the long run?
The one who lives near me (i'll just give in gracefully here and now and begin calling him "my dominant", okay? that's what he is to me) sent me off to visit the other man in Denver telling me that the visit would help clarify my feelings about what was unfolding between he and i, one way or the other.
And he was right.
I knew from the time my plane landed, before i ever saw the Denver man, that i was in the wrong place and about to give a hello kiss to the wrong man.
The feelings intensified through the next double handful of hours.
The Denver man was wonderful. There was nothing at all wrong with him - it was me. My brain. My heart. My needs. They all ached to be elsewhere, with someone else. My submission was streaming in almost-concrete sheets of longing from Denver back to my home, aching for the flow of energy from the one with whom i'd already forged the interdependent links of dominance and submission.
Early the next morning i told the Denver man that i was feeling terribly conflicted...and so we began to talk.
I was back in the airport by noon and trying to find a plane out of Denver headed back to San Francisco. As soon as i got back to the City, i called my dominant - and was relieved to hear joy in his voice that i'd come home early. Since my plane arrived after the commuter rush was over, i had an effortless drive home, my spirit soaring ahead of my car and skimming the familiar hills as i drove.
And now i'm home again.
Moral of the story: amazingly, i think i'm in a D/s relationship of worth and value and strength and fineness. I never realized i was here, either, until i went someplace else where someone else was going to touch me in ways, eomtional and physical and psychological, that i only want my own dominant to touch me.
Hi.
How've y'all been for the last two days?
Early?
I'm home early?
You noticed?
Oh how sweet!
Yeh. I'm home early. And i've got a few big ole giant huge enormous "lesson learned" stamps in my passport, too.
Here's what i learned on this go-round, boys and girls:
(1) A really good online/email/phone relationship will not always translate into a wonderful face-to-face relationship.
(2) Just cuz someone is as kinky as i am, has a flock of similar perversions does not mean we'll click.
Most importantly though, and the reason for (1) and (2) is this:
(3) If i've already got my emotions (hopes/needs/wishes - my submission offered, at least the beginning of that) invested in someone, even if it's still just the beginning of that relationship, i cannot spend them with another person without feeling wrong and bad and shocked and unkind.
Here's the lowdown: the man i went to see was perfectly wonderful. He was everything he said he was, everything i'd learned about him. However, he'd had nonstop in-home guests in the three weeks before my visit and our comunications were diminished accordingly.
During those three weeks, my relationship with the other man, the other dom, the one who lives where i live, intensified. During those three weeks, my feelings became more concrete and stronger for the one who lives near me.
But i was conflicted, confused. I wasn't sure i wanted another full-on D/s, you Dom me sub kinda relationship. It hasn't been that long since Steve. (Well, maybe it has...) I have trust issues. He's new to the dominant side and could i, can i, really trust my deepest truest self to someone new to the power issue, no matter that he's spent years on the bottom, watching carefully what went on on the other side? Can i accept the limitations his life partner has imposed on us both - for the long run?
The one who lives near me (i'll just give in gracefully here and now and begin calling him "my dominant", okay? that's what he is to me) sent me off to visit the other man in Denver telling me that the visit would help clarify my feelings about what was unfolding between he and i, one way or the other.
And he was right.
I knew from the time my plane landed, before i ever saw the Denver man, that i was in the wrong place and about to give a hello kiss to the wrong man.
The feelings intensified through the next double handful of hours.
The Denver man was wonderful. There was nothing at all wrong with him - it was me. My brain. My heart. My needs. They all ached to be elsewhere, with someone else. My submission was streaming in almost-concrete sheets of longing from Denver back to my home, aching for the flow of energy from the one with whom i'd already forged the interdependent links of dominance and submission.
Early the next morning i told the Denver man that i was feeling terribly conflicted...and so we began to talk.
I was back in the airport by noon and trying to find a plane out of Denver headed back to San Francisco. As soon as i got back to the City, i called my dominant - and was relieved to hear joy in his voice that i'd come home early. Since my plane arrived after the commuter rush was over, i had an effortless drive home, my spirit soaring ahead of my car and skimming the familiar hills as i drove.
And now i'm home again.
Moral of the story: amazingly, i think i'm in a D/s relationship of worth and value and strength and fineness. I never realized i was here, either, until i went someplace else where someone else was going to touch me in ways, eomtional and physical and psychological, that i only want my own dominant to touch me.
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