In a Emotional Rollercoaster Relationship? This may help!

[budderfwy]

Thanks FinagleFactor for starting this post. My ex was diagnosed as bi-polar about 10 years ago, although I never really thought he quite fit that discription. Here recently he was diagnosed as schizophrenic, although what you describe as borderline personality disorder also fits him. I think they are all so closely related that it is hard to sometimes get the diagnosis right.

People that have not truly lived with somebody with this magnitude of mental illness probably cannot grasp what it is really like.

 

[FinagleFactor]

Thanks FinagleFactor for starting this post. My ex was diagnosed as bi-polar about 10 years ago, although I never really thought he quite fit that discription. Here recently he was diagnosed as schizophrenic, although what you describe as borderline personality disorder also fits him. I think they are all so closely related that it is hard to sometimes get the diagnosis right.

People that have not truly lived with somebody with this magnitude of mental illness probably do cannot grasp what it is really like.

As I am learning.....

I had heard schizophrenia as a related illness but was unsure of the relationship. I have only described some of the major parts that I am aware of and have expereinced. there are some very good books on the topic as well.

 

[graceanne]

Ok, I've chatted a bit with FF, and he's not being clear. He was in a relationship with someone who was not ready for another relationship. She took a lot of her past problems out on him. She'd do things hateful, then call him up crying and saying she loved him. This was a constant cycle. I'm sure some of us have been in relationship like this. To tell the truth, I think the only person who could have helped her is her. And that's where FF made his mistake. He thought he could make it all better, when sometimes you can't. There are some wounds that only the wounded can heal.

 

[Marquis]

And there are many others that no one can heal.

You just bear them as long as you can until you get snuffed off this putrid orbiting rock.

 

[budderfwy]

Ok, I've chatted a bit with FF, and he's not being clear. He was in a relationship with someone who was not ready for another relationship. She took a lot of her past problems out on him. She'd do things hateful, then call him up crying and saying she loved him. This was a constant cycle. I'm sure some of us have been in relationship like this. To tell the truth, I think the only person who could have helped her is her. And that's where FF made his mistake. He thought he could make it all better, when sometimes you can't. There are some wounds that only the wounded can heal.

Thank you Grace for the clarification on what FF was thinking. I know that I always felt it was my fault for not knowing what my ex wanted or needed. It takes such an emotional toll on the person dealing with the one who is mentally ill.

 

[graceanne]

And there are many others that no one can heal.

Now, I'm getting depressed. *sigh* That is so sad, but so true. Life sucks.

 

[graceanne]

Thank you Grace for the clarification on what FF was thinking. I know that I always felt it was my fault for not knowing what my ex wanted or needed. It takes such an emotional toll on the person dealing with the one who is mentally ill.

Well, I know that FF has been on one heck of a roller coaster with his now ex. He really tried his best with her, but as I pointed out sometimes your best isn't enough. Sometimes a wounded animal bites the one who's trying to heal them. It's reflex. They can't help it, and you come to a point where you gotta protect yourself.

 

[FinagleFactor]

Well, I know that FF has been on one heck of a roller coaster with his now ex. He really tried his best with her, but as I pointed out sometimes your best isn't enough. Sometimes a wounded animal bites the one who's trying to heal them. It's reflex. They can't help it, and you come to a point where you gotta protect yourself.

Yes, that is what happened. All too often it happens with others as well.

 

[FinagleFactor]

And there are many others that no one can heal.

PM'ing you.

 

[FinagleFactor]

Thank you Grace for the clarification on what FF was thinking. I know that I always felt it was my fault for not knowing what my ex wanted or needed. It takes such an emotional toll on the person dealing with the one who is mentally ill.

As a guy, "Isnt it the guy who is supposed to be able to save the day?"

The White Knight Syndrome.

 

[tomfoolery]

As a guy, "Isnt it the guy who is supposed to be able to save the day?"

The White Knight Syndrome.

Are you being serious? I'm female and always feel the responsibility for other people's well being. It's hardly a gender-specific trait or duty. I'm 23 and have never been in a longlasting relationship. Does that make me borderline?

Your ex-partner sounds insecure and prone to jealousy. Common problem in relationships, either gender can exhibit these behaviours. Well, I do. I have no disorder (well....). I am neurotic at times, but only when others indulge me. Bipolar= manic depression. MANIA... It's EXTREME. At times, long stays in psych wards, ECT. I wish people would stop diagnosing mental illnesses in others. It trivialises genuine mental illnesses for sufferers and those who care for them. My mother has diagnosed bipolar... not cyclothymia- full-blown MANIC depression. It's not often I observe behaviour in other individuals reminiscent of my mother's, though it is very often that I hear people glorifying the illness. Some people seem to WANT it?! That's crazy. Yes, I know it's hereditary. I haven't developed any real sypmtoms yet. I'm simply fucked up from the experience being raised by her!

Please don't feel responsible for someone else's self-obsession. The hurt won't be erased by blaming it on fanciful neurological disorders in yourself or your spouse. Sorry for the rambling. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if your partner is suffering a mental illness, they will probably exhibit symptoms in front of other people, not just you. Relationships are honest, intimate, intense. You *will* see the craziness in your partner. They are meant to be emotional and passionate rollercoasters, that's what makes them worthwhile, apparently.

 

[FinagleFactor]

That is the point. It is exteme and not everyone diagnosed in this is hospitalized in psych wards as you claim.

If you feel I am blaming and not looking at my responsiblitiy I invite you not to post. I dont have to answer to your judgement.

I put this out there because of my experience. Knowing this lifestyles DOES and is documented to attract this personality I am suggesting this may be the cause and they may want to take a look at this.

I am not telling anyone they have it.
I am not telling people here they have it.

I am giving my personal experience. Had I known this, it might have changed things for me in that relationship.

If you disagree not knowing what I went through you have no need to post here.

 

[tomfoolery]

Hi, Sorry for the misunderstanding. I meant you were blaming yourself when you shouldn't and taking too much responsibility yourself when you shouldn't. Not the other way round. If anything, your ex sounds neurotic and selfish, not you. I really didn't mean to pass judgement. Best wishes

 

[rosco rathbone]

Do we crazy people have any hope for anything but fleeting romance?

I heart BPD girls. And they heart me as well it seems.

 

[CutieMouse]

Borderlines are extremely difficult to diagnose- thus the internet isn't exactly the best diagnostic tool. It does often go hand in hand with bi-polar disorder/manic depression. It sounds horrible to say it this way, but people with BPD tend to suck the very soul out of you until nothing is left. Then they move on to the next soul who catches their eye and repeat the cycle.

There are people who vaugely "fit" the BPD model who aren't BPD; there are those who fit it so well they can trick a lot of professionsals and be misdiagnosed. I've known therapists who consider them difficult enough to work with they will only accept *ONE* BDP client into their practice at a time. *shrug* People are weird.

I'd say those affected by a relationship with someone who is BPD/bi-polar is far more likely to have it disrupt their ability to have a healthy relationship than the BPD/bi-polar person him or herself, but that's more personal history making a pronouncement than research setting forth documented evidence.

It is interesting to me that people with "sensitive brain chemistry" (as one professional phrased it to me once upon a time) appear to be drawn to the BDSM arena... or maybe it's that living this experience means those with mental health issues *must* be open and accepting of the positives and negatives of their whole self in order to truely trust one another?

 

[FinagleFactor]

Hi, Sorry for the misunderstanding. I meant you were blaming yourself when you shouldn't and taking too much responsibility yourself when you shouldn't. Not the other way round. If anything, your ex sounds neurotic and selfish, not you. I really didn't mean to pass judgement. Best wishes

I apologize then also.

 

[FinagleFactor]

Even if someone does not have BPD or BP or whatever else, isnt it best to have some alternative views to be able to look at when you need help. The people who have stated objections do have one very good point. WE ALL HAVE HAD THESE FEELINGS OR DONE THESE THINGS. The difference is we are not ruled by the emotions. Especially the emotional fear of abandonment.

How many of us at one time or another have not wanted a relationship to end only to have to start all over. How many of us have gotten into a relationship too fast. I will bet all of us have done it, some may still be doing it. It and of itself does not mean you have a disorder.

IT IS THE EXTREME here that is the big difference.

Did you know that people with BPD can go on fine until they hit a lot of stress in their life?

How many of us could have handled a situation better had it not been for the stress we were under?

Ok, I am playing Devils Advocate here.

All I am saying is this may be something to look at if you are having a lot of difficulties more then the normal. The Non-BPD's when in or after a relationship like this do often need support and or counseling.

I wish I had known about this when I was going through it.

One book on the topic - Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Borderlines are extremely difficult to diagnose- thus the internet isn't exactly the best diagnostic tool. It does often go hand in hand with bi-polar disorder/manic depression. It sounds horrible to say it this way, but people with BPD tend to suck the very soul out of you until nothing is left. Then they move on to the next soul who catches their eye and repeat the cycle.

There are people who vaugely "fit" the BPD model who aren't BPD; there are those who fit it so well they can trick a lot of professionsals and be misdiagnosed. I've known therapists who consider them difficult enough to work with they will only accept *ONE* BDP client into their practice at a time. *shrug* People are weird.

I'd say those affected by a relationship with someone who is BPD/bi-polar is far more likely to have it disrupt their ability to have a healthy relationship than the BPD/bi-polar person him or herself, but that's more personal history making a pronouncement than research setting forth documented evidence.

It is interesting to me that people with "sensitive brain chemistry" (as one professional phrased it to me once upon a time) appear to be drawn to the BDSM arena... or maybe it's that living this experience means those with mental health issues *must* be open and accepting of the positives and negatives of their whole self in order to truely trust one another?

 

[CutieMouse]

Even if someone does not have BPD or BP or whatever else, isnt it best to have some alternative views to be able to look at when you need help. The people who have stated objections do have one very good point. WE ALL HAVE HAD THESE FEELINGS OR DONE THESE THINGS. The difference is we are not ruled by the emotions. Especially the emotional fear of abandonment.

How many of us at one time or another have not wanted a relationship to end only to have to start all over. How many of us have gotten into a relationship too fast. I will bet all of us have done it, some may still be doing it. It and of itself does not mean you have a disorder.

IT IS THE EXTREME here that is the big difference.

Did you know that people with BPD can go on fine until they hit a lot of stress in their life?

How many of us could have handled a situation better had it not been for the stress we were under?

Ok, I am playing Devils Advocate here.

All I am saying is this may be something to look at if you are having a lot of difficulties more then the normal. The Non-BPD's when in or after a relationship like this do often need support and or counseling.

I wish I had known about this when I was going through it.

One book on the topic - Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Another great one (which I admit I didn't read very far into because it brought on flashbacks) Surviving the Borderline Parent.

Sometimes when the lighbulb clicks *on* and we finally really honestly SEE it is so overwhelming we (general use of the word "we" by the way) feel a need to talk about the strain, stress, hurt, fear, etc of our experience... a desire to inform others so they might avoid the pain if you will. It is difficult to do unless the audience really "gets" it, and (again- in my experience) it is nearly impossible for those who haven't somehow experienced BPD in their lives to understand why the roller coaster feels and is so much more than an average relationship with the normal ups and downs.

Everyone needs tools to deal with realtionships. Tools to see the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship are particularly important. However, BPD is difficult for experienced professionals to diagnose/understand/"see", so the average Joe/Diane isn't very likely to "get it" from spreading the word through the internet.

I honestly don't mean to come across as being negative. I do understand where you are coming from. I've simply seen enough people raise and eyebrow and say "Why the F is that drama so upsetting to you?", or refuse to recognize the signs that are glaringly obvious that I suppose I'm a bit cynical about warning people or providing them with "tools" to deal with such a difficult issue.

I'm not very nice about it I guess... I can usually tell within a week of meeting someone new if they have BPD tendencies. If I decide they do I keep them at arm's length, and rarely waste my energy worrying about people who allow themselves to be sucked in. Period.

 

[FinagleFactor]

Your right. It has made me more cautious. I dont ignore signs that something may be up. Sadder, back then I didnt see alot of the signs.

Your not negative. I have seen negative. Believe me.

I really had to think about posting this. Did I really want to put myself through the push back I knew I was going to receive. But at the same time being that it affects BDSM I thought more people would at least be aware of it.

The negativity when I was going through this was far worse.

 

[FurryFury]

I totally understand the whole pedagogue thing. I am that way too. When I discover something I like to share and possibly help others, even maybe prevent them from learning it the hard way. Some people appreciate your insights and some do not.

However I have to say, when you are in a relationship and out of thin air get accused of things like cheating? My experience says they are often projecting their own behavior onto you.

By the way, have you ever noticed that often, the things that piss us off the worst about someone else are the things we don't like about ourselves? I do.

Sorry about your rough time and good luck in the future.

*hugs*

Fury

 

[Guest]

 

[FinagleFactor]

Hi Foxinsox,

FinagleFactor, it's a shame you've had a rough time.

That said -- and at the risk of being called a Pollyanna again *lol* -- I firmly believe very few of us go into relationships with the express intention of causing emotional stress and trauma to others. Even for those who may have BPD, I'd argue that for the most part, their primary intention isn't to harm, but to source what they crave - love and security.

This is very true. They most of everything that happened was not about ME. It was about her. She wanted the love and attention that she thought she was not getting.

I am still reading up on this. More and more. I actually read more on the topic above. I still have to remind myself it happened because of the fear of abandonment.

I dont blame her. I dont hate her.

I will check out that link tonight. Hope you all have a good day.