invitation for public slicing, dicing, and other constructive skewering

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Ok since youre seriously struggling let me lay it out for you, dont want you to blow a blood vessel.

This poem is about your favourite whipping boy/girl
Bruce Jenner.

See the turmoil below the surface facade of beauty. The loss of the reef is symbolic to the loss of his masculinity and he is scared that he is floating in the wrong choices hahaha

Thanks for the session doc I can now refrain from running naked down the street covered in my own excrement

Like Don McLeans AMERICAN PIE!!!!!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Egg hunting done right.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AL1HUsJJCzU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsF0FSdqE9Q

None of it means shit.

 

[sr71plt]

Oh, yes, thank you. Ulysses was an easy and fun read. Finnegans Wake is more challenging. It's one of the few I re-read, and I find more in it each time I go through. And I've discussed both with numerous colleagues. Only those who haven't the imagination to see language and thought played with presume that others really haven't read Joyce.

And, no, I don't pretend to be superior to you and yours; you seem to feel inferior about not understanding, and in desperate need of some form of psychological projection to ease your sense of worthlessness.



Yes, the nascent poem does have points, but James and Pilot have trouble even with Ibsen's Wild Duck.

You seem defensive enough to assert stuff you have no reason to either believe or suppose. Take yourself really seriously on a porn discussion board, don't you?

 

[lovecraft68]

You seem defensive enough to assert stuff you have no reason to either believe or suppose. Take yourself really seriously on a porn discussion board, don't you?

You are the true master of pot calling the kettle black and why are you trolling this board?

Following JBJ as always

 

[legerdemer]

Honored, truly

Gentlemen, I am so glad you came to visit. Come, make yourselves at home. What can I get you to drink? Some beer? Some wine? A glass of whiskey? G&Ts?

 

[sr71plt]

I could use a glass of Yellowtail Shiraz. Might even sit down and read your poems then (nothing I've posted has been addressed to those--everything's been in response to a Tio fevered post).

 

[legerdemer]

I could use a glass of Yellowtail Shiraz. Might even sit down and read your poems then (nothing I've posted has been addressed to those--everything's been in response to a Tio fevered post).

Yellowtail Shiraz it is, then.

You might give me an independent assessment of whether the poem(s) you read have a point or not. But it's by no means necessary. It's just that, the poems do happen to be the point of this particular thread...

 

[Tio_Narratore]

You seem defensive enough to assert stuff you have no reason to either believe or suppose. Take yourself really seriously on a porn discussion board, don't you?

Deluded, Pilot, or just unable to read simple prose? I didn't assert anything other than personal experience. You're the one who did that ("no one understands or reads Joyce" - remember?). And I never take myself seriously, particularly when dealing with you.

 

[sr71plt]

Deluded, Pilot, or just unable to read simple prose? I didn't assert anything other than personal experience. You're the one who did that ("no one understands or reads Joyce" - remember?). And I never take myself seriously, particularly when dealing with you. Go back to pretending that you wrote all of Michener's travelogues.

I leave you to be shitty with the personal attacking all by yourself. I neither said that no one understands or reads Joyce nor that I wrote all of Michener's travelogues. Do you argue all of your cases by lying in the extreme and attacking folks in irrelevancies? If so, you can just go hang. You obviously are out of control on this.

 

[sr71plt]

Yellowtail Shiraz it is, then.

I took my Shiraz to a retelecast of the French Open men's tennis title match that I missed by going to church this morning. Thanks for the boost.

 

[sr71plt]

I read your first poem this morning. I've already said that the free verse form of poetry doesn't resonate with me. I came from and write in the era of rhyme, rhythm/cadence, storytelling, point pursuing--and everything focused on that pursuit. That said, I could almost embrace this poem, but not completely. Most of the images were fine for the point I was reaching to take from it (which, no, doesn't have to be your point). In images, you lost me at "shredded statues" and the last stanza didn't wrap up anything for me in terms of the theme I was trying to see--being in a trough of a relationship--the space between the breaths--and hopeful of the next breath, willing to stick in there.

I do like the concept of the space between the breaths and stopped and thought about that for a while. I recently wrote a story where a man was sitting at the death bed of his lover and holding his own breath and being very attentive until the next ragged breath of the lover arrived. And your poem might prompt me to go for one of my own that deals with the theme I was trying to see in yours and doing so with a traditional-form poem. If your poem had fulfilled my expectation, I wouldn't be thinking of how I'd write it, but what you wrote can certainly have done the job for you, which is all that would matter.

Thanks for the Shiraz. It was what I needed last night.

 

[legerdemer]

I read your first poem this morning. I've already said that the free verse form of poetry doesn't resonate with me. I came from and write in the era of rhyme, rhythm/cadence, storytelling, point pursuing--and everything focused on that pursuit. That said, I could almost embrace this poem, but not completely. Most of the images were fine for the point I was reaching to take from it (which, no, doesn't have to be your point). In images, you lost me at "shredded statues" and the last stanza didn't wrap up anything for me in terms of the theme I was trying to see--being in a trough of a relationship--the space between the breaths--and hopeful of the next breath, willing to stick in there.

I do like the concept of the space between the breaths and stopped and thought about that for a while. I recently wrote a story where a man was sitting at the death bed of his lover and holding his own breath and being very attentive until the next ragged breath of the lover arrived. And your poem might prompt me to go for one of my own that deals with the theme I was trying to see in yours and doing so with a traditional-form poem. If your poem had fulfilled my expectation, I wouldn't be thinking of how I'd write it, but what you wrote can certainly have done the job for you, which is all that would matter.

Thanks for the Shiraz. It was what I needed last night.

Thank you for the honest feedback, Pilot. More than that, I am most glad that the poem made you think, and about writing one of your own. I will look for it - please let me know when it comes about. And point me to the story you were referring to - I'd like to read it.

Cali Shiraz can be had here anytime, though occasionally I rotate the stock... stop on by.

 

[sr71plt]

I thought it was in "Simpatico," But there's only a hint of it there. Must be something sitting in my "waiting to be submitted/published files. I have them written a good year before they post here. As far as the poem, it's now up to my Muse on whether it will drop something for me to write down. I do have a few poems here, but so far all of them were in stories and have been extracted to run as poems too.

 

[HarryHill]

I thought it was in "Simpatico," But there's only a hint of it there. Must be something sitting in my "waiting to be submitted/published files. I have them written a good year before they post here. As far as the poem, it's now up to my Muse on whether it will drop something for me to write down. I do have a few poems here, but so far all of them were in stories and have been extracted to run as poems too.

sr, do me a favor and turn your sigs on and see if they run off the page like they do on mine... edit them so they aren't one continuous single line of links,
thanks

 

[sr71plt]

sr, do me a favor and turn your sigs on and see if they run off the page like they do on mine... edit them so they aren't one continuous single line of links,
thanks

Nope, they don't run over on mine in either ie or Firefox--they actually run short of the the width of the page--and they are a width the Web site setup permits. Must be something with your browser.

 

[HarryHill]

Nope, they don't run over on mine in either ie or Firefox--they actually run short of the the width of the page--and they are a width the Web site setup permits. Must be something with your browser.

Only happens when you post on a page I asked laurel to fix the 'chosen Mate thread you posted on some time back and she said she didn't find anything wrong either. I'll contact her and avoid thread you post on. thanks

 

[sr71plt]

Only happens when you post on a page I asked laurel to fix the 'chosen Mate thread you posted on some time back and she said she didn't find anything wrong either. I'll contact her and avoid thread you post on. thanks

Sounds like a plan. The issue seems to be at your end.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

I leave you to be shitty with the personal attacking all by yourself. I neither said that no one understands or reads Joyce nor that I wrote all of Michener's travelogues. Do you argue all of your cases by lying in the extreme and attacking folks in irrelevancies? If so, you can just go hang. You obviously are out of control on this.

On your first point, yes. You've done your share as well, but I'll admit to being the main offender. My apologies to you and all other readers.

Your second point: you did claim that "99%" of those who claim to have read Ulysses are lying, and even suggested that I was among them.

Third point: a low shot, I'll admit, and I'll delete it from my post.

Fourth: No, I don't. Nor did I this one.

Fifth: A bit rankled at you, but far from out of control.

Most importantly, I am sorry for the ad hominem attacks; they had no place here.

 

[legerdemer]

Gentlemen,

You're welcome to stay, take a load off, and relax with a glass of wine or whiskey. Thanks for trying to leave rancor at the door.

Yours,

~Mer

 

[sr71plt]

Gentlemen,

You're welcome to stay, take a load off, and relax with a glass of wine or whiskey. Thanks for trying to leave rancor at the door.

Yours,

~Mer

Excuse me. I let this loose yesterday--and put Tio on ignore.

 

[sr71plt]

And point me to the story you were referring to - I'd like to read it.

OK, I found it--just a short passage in a story I wrote just a week and half ago, "All that Argentine Jazz," while at the Spoleto Festival in Charleston. The story will appear in Grab Bag 8, which won't be launched to the marketplace until late summer or fall, and the story probably will not get posted to Literotica until next year. But it's just this passage that's relevant to our discussion:

"Neal found that it was exhausting sitting at Carlos Ferrari’s bedside in the Paraná hospital and listening for the next shallow breath, holding his own breath until Carlos’ next one came—never certain there would be a next one and knowing that at some point there wouldn’t be. The musician’s breathing had become so shallow and the waiting so tedious in the dim sterility of the Argentine hospital room through the night that Neal fancied he was able to relive a day of their life in each of the spaces between one uncertain breath and the next."

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Mer, I think you should try a more methodological approach. You said earlier, in jest, that you write from the navel. That's the wrong place to write from. If you bring scientific rigor to your poetry, you won't ruin it -- it won't become cold and dry. It will become more universal while retaining all of its passion.

I would suggest a few things: before setting fingertips to the keypad, think through what it is that you wish to express. Don't let it be a mere feeling. For a poet, emotions are like paints for a painter: necessary, but not the subject of the artwork. Poetry exists to express an idea that can't be expressed in prose. Generally, that will have a paradoxical quality, two seemingly contradictory meanings that coexist beautifully from a higher, poetic standpoint.

Once you are confident that you have that, then look for metaphors -- clear ones, ones that you are confident will be understood by the reader.

Then look for a structure where you can lead the reader through a progression of these metaphors, leading that reader inexorably toward the true, unspoken idea behind the poem. Lead that reader as adroitly and as confidently and with the same superb pacing as does a good comedian, building toward his best punch line.

And once you have all that in play, bring on the passion. You are blessed with plenty of it.

My Literotica history

 

[legerdemer]

Mer, I think you should try a more methodological approach. You said earlier, in jest, that you write from the navel. That's the wrong place to write from. If you bring scientific rigor to your poetry, you won't ruin it -- it won't become cold and dry. It will become more universal while retaining all of its passion.

I would suggest a few things: before setting fingertips to the keypad, think through what it is that you wish to express. Don't let it be a mere feeling. For a poet, emotions are like paints for a painter: necessary, but not the subject of the artwork. Poetry exists to express an idea that can't be expressed in prose. Generally, that will have a paradoxical quality, two seemingly contradictory meanings that coexist beautifully from a higher, poetic standpoint.

Once you are confident that you have that, then look for metaphors -- clear ones, ones that you are confident will be understood by the reader.

Then look for a structure where you can lead the reader through a progression of these metaphors, leading that reader inexorably toward the true, unspoken idea behind the poem. Lead that reader as adroitly and as confidently and with the same superb pacing as does a good comedian, building toward his best punch line.

And once you have all that in play, bring on the passion. You are blessed with plenty of it.

My Literotica history

Gee, you don't ask for much! A high bar you've set me! A challenge! A gauntlet thrown! Must respond, must rise to the occasion. Must incorporate criticism. Must must must.... gee, can I? I must!

 

[Mayberrygirl]

Oh my goodness...it is good to see interaction. Just an idle observer..for the moment. One should always defend and argue their viewpoints and contributions. Makes the world go round.

 

[legerdemer]

back to the point of the thread - a (not naughty) poem in need of feedback

Doomed Bliss, A Purgatory

I did not want to fall in love
with you! that heady feeling
that addicts and lures you in...
And yet so I did, too easily.

I fell in love with acts of kindness,
acts of art, wandering intellect and heart,
spontaneous acts that reveal
you - the one whose soul
has spoken, open, laid itself bare
out there for me to collect and share.

Wisdom and age are funny things.
I want to gift them to my kid,
to keep under her pillow, baby teeth,
ephemeral and delicate and brief.

And when she needs the hug most
I want to gift her my experience as I've lived
adventures in call and response
with friends and lovers, other hearts.

That stricture in my chest and throat,
the warning that I shouldn't, I've ignored
over and over, at high cost.

Ignorant bliss, we both know, is a myth -
there's no such thing... bliss is won
only through the wrought iron fence
of life misspent, perhaps, with loves misfit.