Is D/s Abuse?

[Lancecastor]

Abuse is in the mind of the beholder.

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Perception is reality.

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If she thinks D/s is abuse, it is...for her.

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Some people say spanking a disobedient child's bottom is abuse, others say it is not.

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Some people think open relationships are abusive, others say they are not.

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Some people think online D/s is real, others do not.
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Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.


Sorry Richard.....no easy or definitive answers on this one my friend.

But there is a question: "Do you love each other enough to keep going?"

Lance

A few months ago, as many of you know, I entered into a relationship with a beautiful and wonderful woman ...
prior to "us" she had only fantaszed about BDSM

Her name is Rachel

We have had a wonderful sex life.

A couple of weeks ago she put much of our relationship
on hold .. in part because she has become concerned
that D/s is a form of abuse because of the contol factors

Any thoughts ... comments ... websites etc.

Richard M. Ask
Certified Herb Specialists

(This post was edited by cym only to remove Richard's email addy.)

 

[MsWorthy]

Re: Re: What it sounds to me is..............

one can only share that honesty is wanted
one can not make another honest

I don't know her or you, very well, Richard, so I cannot presume to speak for her, but I wonder if the problem is that you need bdsm in your life and she doesn't. You need the power exchange, and although, she has enjoyed it, she doesn't need it.

It's that deniablity thing, I think. If it's not popular or is viewed as wrong, we want to be able to say it's just for fun and we don't need it. When the majority is against us (or is counter to what we want to do/believe), it confuses and hurts us, making us doubt ourselves. For all the espousing and posturing that is done about individual rights/freedom to believe in this country, we really are manipulated/brain washed/controlled in our thinking. So, when the media (our community resource for what is ok/normal/acceptable) tells us that it is wrong for us to give up power we believe it (or at least bend to the media gods), unless we have a serious investment (like a need for something different) in fighting this belief.

In my opinion, this lifestyle challenges one's idea of what is *normal*, *good for you*, and *right/moral*. There is so much to overcome that if it isn't something one needs, chances are pretty good that it will be abandoned when it becomes uncomfortable mentally. And, it will become uncomfortable (imo), at some point because our (American) society says it is wrong.

 

[morninggirl5]

One point that i haven't seen brought to the discussion before is her past. Could there be issues in her past that could be influencing her perceptions? There have been several threads here that have mentioned the issues subs have with past abusive relationships and if that might impact their D/s relationships. I think it's a question to consider.

Good luck, Richard.

 

[Richard49]

This web site seems ot have a lot of info about abuse and D/s

Anyone have any comments

http://www.powerotics.com/prof/prof5.htm

 

[Little Girl]

Re: Abuse to me is......

The way my ex used his fists on me when he drank.
What MY-Sir and I enjoy is consensual on both of our parts. If it wasn't fun, then why the hell persue it???

As I stated in another thread, I would not allow for anyone to touch me now, if I didn't wish for HIM to.
As fror HIM controlling me? I freely submit to HIS control. HE doesn't force it on me.
So there you go Richard. My .02 cents worth.

MY Sir's k I could not agree with you more. I was in an extremely abusive relationship with my first husband for 3 years and if I thought D/s was even remotely abuse I would not be persueing it. D/s is consensual and I "give" my submission to my Master of my own free will. Yes in the wrong hands that gift can be abused, but isn't it then up to the submissive to recognize it is being abused and get out of that relationship? My first husband was not a Dom and I certainly did not give him my submission, he beat me into it and that is the big difference.... JMHO

 

[mskittykatt]

there has been a lot of things addressed here already, i don't have much to add except maybe since you are only communicating through email you can ask her to write out her feelings regardless of how it sounds and without wondering what you'll think about it.
create a supportive and loving place and time for her to do this, and then before any further discussion actively listen.
i.e. i understand you're feeling this way, when we do this. what can i do to help you feel safe?
it sounds to me like for whatever reason she needs personal reassurance that only You can give her.

 

[Richard49]

it sounds to me like for whatever reason she needs personal reassurance that only You can give her.

I know I have others here to answer
and I have some more URLs that I have recieved to post here

However I am feeling hopless so.......

She is doing major push - pull stuff
and though I do not want to
1) react --- I am
2) give up --- I am getting closer and closer

I wish she would let some mutal freind help us
but she will not

She tells me I am not hearing her
so tonight I posted here an itemized list of what I have heard
and asked what I have missed

I guess I share all this to say ... there are more ways to abuse and bully then just physical ones

 

[Richard49]

Some more sites I have found useful
enjoy everyone

http://www.greenerypress.com/Articles.htm

http://www.altsex.org/bdsm/not-abuse.html

http://www.ncsfreedom.org/whatissm/chapter3.htm

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Pointe/1359/SMabuse.html