Is This Really Who We Are?

[EmpressFi]

Just to clarify, are we calling LittleJade or DollParts a troll?

I will speak for myself to clarify. I was calling DollParts a troll. I might not have agreed with what LJ said, well more importantly, the words used, but I wouldnt call her a troll

 

[Marquis]

I will speak for myself to clarify. I was calling DollParts a troll. I might not have agreed with what LJ said, well more importantly, the words used, but I wouldnt call her a troll

Alright EmpressFi, we are in agreement.

 

[Netzach]

Men are men the world around. The demands of the penis must be met, first, foremost and rarely with much room from compromise.

That aside, my perception of BDSM dominants has always been, and remains that we are more romantic, mushy and touchy feely than the average joe. I think we're aware of this, and desperately trying to reconcile this with our need to feel like big strong men.

Dude, that must be my problem. Nothing is gong to reconcile with my need to feel like a big strong man.

 

[madetotakeit]

I will speak for myself to clarify. I was calling DollParts a troll. I might not have agreed with what LJ said, well more importantly, the words used, but I wouldnt call her a troll

My feelings as well.

 

[HottieMama]

DollParts, IMO CANNOT be for real. I honestly think she's a researcher of some sort doing a study. NO ONE is that stupid.

As for LittleJade and her comments, ehhh...that's a "consider the source" one for me. Given how much she comes to this forum for support, advice, friends, and lovers, i personally think she has A LOT of nerve.

 

[Marquis]

Dude, that must be my problem. Nothing is gong to reconcile with my need to feel like a big strong man.

At least you have an excuse!

 

[Adakgirl]

That post quoted in the original post is obviously written by someone who has no clue about this lifestyle and only sees the fakes and frauds and thinks those kinds of people are what it's made up of. I have found out by questioning many many people who live this lifestyle day in day out in real life, that what that poster says is completely off the mark.

 

[Greenspace]

I've never seen such hate for someone before.

 

[intothewoods]

That aside, my perception of BDSM dominants has always been, and remains that we are more romantic, mushy and touchy feely than the average joe. I think we're aware of this, and desperately trying to reconcile this with our need to feel like big strong men.

I haven't really had that experience, but you have been in this lifestyle far longer than me, and just to state the obvious, you're a Dom. My group consists more of the intellectual cool Toppy types. They may be romantic in relationships, but it's not a mushy group. Actually, come to think of it, there aren't as many straight people in this group. You get a lot of self-identification as bi, heteroflexible, pansexual, or at least, straight but not narrow.

 

[Homburg]

I haven't really decided if I'm mushy and romantic. I can be, but I can also be an utter bastard. Romance is probably the less common of the two, in fact.

And I'm not sure if I'm unworried about being a big, strong manly man because I'm a big strong manly manly, or if I am a big strong manly man because I'm worried about being a big strong manly man and jst don't realise it.

It's a (lean white meat) chicken/(omega-3 enriched organic food free-range) egg question.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm a bitch. Everyone knows that. But I've also been accused of being a hopeless romantic before, too, so who knows?

Also, I don't see THAT much wrong with the initial posting. Yeah, there are some inaccuracies, but, by and large? She does sorta have a point, and, either way, it's not something I'm going to get too wound up over.

 

[nh23]

I'm a bitch. Everyone knows that. But I've also been accused of being a hopeless romantic before, too, so who knows?

Also, I don't see THAT much wrong with the initial posting. Yeah, there are some inaccuracies, but, by and large? She does sorta have a point, and, either way, it's not something I'm going to get too wound up over.

Ditto.

 

[JamieB]

People are funny.

The opinion of someone who doesn't know me regarding what I choose to do or the things I think are important matters about as much as a squirt of piss in the Pacific.

People gravitate towards their peers, peers form into comfortable, like-minded groups, and the most insecure lead the battle cries. They're not like us. They're weird, we're normal. They're judgmental, we're misunderstood. They believe or do the wrong things, and are not as good as us.

IMHO, that's the aspect of humanity most likely to end the whole show.

I shouldn't stay up late posting when I'm in a bad mood.

J

 

[velvet_crush]

I'm still relatively new to D/s and have spent a lot of time trying to figure out where I'm headed. Just a bedroom kink? Is it more? etc etc etc - all those newbie questions.

As I've waded through information, chat rooms, bdsm sites, it is a little daunting to put yourself out there. Although I look at it like vanilla dating, there is still that different element of control and power exchange that makes sorting out the asshats from the friends more difficult. I feel I've been pretty fortunate and have met many wonderful people who have guided me down that yellow kink road.

The other issue that I've become oh-so careful with is who - in my inner circle of friends - I talk to about D/s. At the time I really decided to explore this, I was dating someone I thought would be interested in D/s as well. The reaction I got from him was that I was a disturbed whore. There was no way he would participate in anything that had me me wanting to get beat up with a dog chain around my neck. Mind you, that image was nothing I had suggested... but it's one I think lots of people not familiar with D/s have.

 

[Primalex]

I'm still relatively new to D/s and have spent a lot of time trying to figure out where I'm headed. Just a bedroom kink? Is it more? etc etc etc - all those newbie questions.

As I've waded through information, chat rooms, bdsm sites, it is a little daunting to put yourself out there.

I think I will never grok this approach to BDSM.

 

[velvet_crush]

I think I will never grok this approach to BDSM.

Then where do you start?

 

[Primalex]

Then where do you start?

This is the wrong question.





I just don't understand the theoretical and clinical approach to BDSM. I'm not saying it's a wrong way or a bad way. When you dated a guy for the very first time in your life, did you then try to figure out if you liked getting ass-fucked by this guy? No, most likely not. So I really don't get why a "newbie" thinks about issues like "is it just a bedroom kink or more?". Did you read about oral sex to figure out if you will enjoy it?

I've used wax play and bondage before I ever visited a BDSM website (not that this is a good approach either, especially bondage without proper theoretical training is bad! really bad! Don't take me as example! Did I mention it's bad? I just try to express the road I come from). I enjoyed Charles Bronson movies, because there was always a chick getting tied up and abused, way before I ever had kissed a girl (I think even way before I figured out I would enjoy kissing a girl..).

I think BDSM websites are a lot like porn movies. They express a certain view and people will change to fit in there. This is soo wrong. This is exactly like a religion telling you sex is bad and then you feel bad when you are having it, just the opposite way around. A girl that doesn't like to swallow and get cum on her face is _not_ frigid.

Back to the topic. Does it really matter why a sub is a sub or why a dom is a dom or how they are? What would happen if we would say:"YES, hell, a dom is only a dom because (s)he lacks the self confidence to have real relationships with real women and a sub is just an awfully dependent fuckslut! But this is what we are and how we are and we don't have to justify how we are. We decided to be dominant or submissive the very same way as the gay guy decided to be gay. You don't want to hang around with gays? Fine. You don't want to hang around with doms? Fine. You think we are the bottom of the barrel? Fine. But we are humans and we have the same fucking right to exist in this world as everyone else."


Damned, did I rant again?

 

[velvet_crush]

Damned, did I rant again?

yes. But rant on. I appreciate the point of view.

I think the clinical approach comes from being unfamiliar with what's out there. I come from a vanilla world. I want D/s in my life. I wasn't dating, so it's not like I wanted to ask the guy from match.com or my next blind date if he'd like to tie me up. I'm interested in meeting someone who is experienced - or at the very least - has this interest - in D/s.

Where do you go to find it? It's a bold new world but a scary one, too. Going to a bdsm website seems like a good start. I read a lot, I asked a lot of questions, I got a lot of great advice.

(I'd like to say that - in my early days (actually not so long ago..) - I was in a chat room (*cringe* - I hate to admit that) - and met someone local who directed me to a D/s group. I don't go to chat rooms - hopefully for obvious reasons - but I found that contact very valuable).

I'm not questioning the why. I thought (and still think) it's a valid question to ask what kind of submissive I want to be? 24/7? Slave? Little girl? Just tie me up in the bedroom and spank me? It's a new gig. Unfamiliar territory. Jumping in feet first didn't seem to be exactly the right way in the beginning.

 

[Light Ice]

Back to the topic. Does it really matter why a sub is a sub or why a dom is a dom or how they are? What would happen if we would say:"YES, hell, a dom is only a dom because (s)he lacks the self confidence to have real relationships with real women and a sub is just an awfully dependent fuckslut! But this is what we are and how we are and we don't have to justify how we are. We decided to be dominant or submissive the very same way as the gay guy decided to be gay. You don't want to hang around with gays? Fine. You don't want to hang around with doms? Fine. You think we are the bottom of the barrel? Fine. But we are humans and we have the same fucking right to exist in this world as everyone else."

Damned, did I rant again?

After reading this, I understand your position a great deal more. I applaud you in this expression, because I think this gets to the humanistic heart of the matter.

 

[velvet_crush]

After reading this, I understand your position a great deal more. I applaud you in this expression, because I think this gets to the humanistic heart of the matter.

I gotta disagree a little bit... I'm not sure that in the context Primalex argues, that being Dom or sub is the same as being gay.

He says: <snip> What would happen if we would say:"YES, hell, a dom is only a dom because (s)he lacks the self confidence to have real relationships with real women and a sub is just an awfully dependent fuckslut! But this is what we are and how we are and we don't have to justify how we are. We decided to be dominant or submissive the very same way as the gay guy decided to be gay. <snip>

I'm not asking anyone to justify anything. As a matter of fact, I'm here because it felt like a community of similar-minded folks. We're here because of D/s. Some new, some experienced, some on-line only, many real life... lots of points of view but in some way, all sharing a thin but common thread.

Maybe I'm missing the sarcasm? But somehow I don't see this as a decision. Like I decided to try to be nicer today at work. Submissive seems to be part of my persona. And yes, I did make a decision to explore that. But I don't think I made a decision to BE submissive. Maybe to be "a" submissive? I just can't put that in the hetero / gay category though.

another snip >>>

Back to the topic. Does it really matter why a sub is a sub or why a dom is a dom or how they are?

I don't think that was ever my "topic." I don't think it matters why. I don't really care. Sure - if I meet someone, I'd like to have that conversation... but ultimately, the why isn't the topic.

 

[Primalex]

I'm not asking anyone to justify anything. As a matter of fact, I'm here because it felt like a community of similar-minded folks.

There is the problem. Would you say all vanilla people are similar-minded folks, just because they all share _one_ fucking thing (great word-play!), the way they like to have sex? We are as similar-minded as all the people going to the cinema watching the same movie tonight.

Maybe I'm missing the sarcasm? But somehow I don't see this as a decision. Like I decided to try to be nicer today at work. Submissive seems to be part of my persona. And yes, I did make a decision to explore that. But I don't think I made a decision to BE submissive. Maybe to be "a" submissive? I just can't put that in the hetero / gay category though.

I don't understand this paragraph. Let me rephrase: I understand the paragraph, but I fail to see the contradiction with what I wrote - unless you think gay people decided to be gay...?

I don't think that was ever my "topic."

Correct. After all, this isn't your thread. Read the first post, then you know the topic.

 

[Primalex]

I think the clinical approach comes from being unfamiliar with what's out there. I come from a vanilla world. I want D/s in my life. I wasn't dating, so it's not like I wanted to ask the guy from match.com or my next blind date if he'd like to tie me up. I'm interested in meeting someone who is experienced - or at the very least - has this interest - in D/s.

Yes, this is the common approach here I guess. And I think maybe it's my point of view that I need to update. Sure, I have a filter when checking out women, too. But the first filter entry is not if they know how to be "properly submissive" for me. When I feel I can connect with someone... then I start to apply the filters for living with the person. I wouldn't rule someone out, just because she wouldn't have a clue about BDSM.

But I think I'm biased, after all there are zillions of people who would feel disturbed by the priority of my filters, for example that I value appearance over intelligence.

I'm not questioning the why. I thought (and still think) it's a valid question to ask what kind of submissive I want to be? 24/7? Slave? Little girl? Just tie me up in the bedroom and spank me?

Where is the importance? BDSM and the World Wide Web is like handing a virgin the Kama Sutra. Would you really make her believe it's important which positions she chooses now? Would you really start with a 24/7 TPE because you think it sounds like fun? What would you do if you wanted to try something that not written down somewhere? Would you then deny your feelings? I think the hunt for the proper label is like the hunt for the Holy Grail.

"It's an island, babe. If you didn't bring it here, you won't find it here."

 

[velvet_crush]

There is the problem. Would you say all vanilla people are similar-minded folks, just because they all share _one_ fucking thing (great word-play!), the way they like to have sex? We are as similar-minded as all the people going to the cinema watching the same movie tonight.

You're taking me too literally. I totally agree with you here. We are all at the same movie because we have that one tiny little thing in common. That's it. That's all. That's what brought me here. I'm guessing you're here in the bdsm forum instead of the playground or the general board because of what is discussed here.

I don't understand this paragraph. Let me rephrase: I understand the paragraph, but I fail to see the contradiction with what I wrote - unless you think gay people decided to be gay...?

No. I thought that's what you wrote.

Correct. After all, this isn't your thread. Read the first post, then you know the topic.

Point taken. It's not always about me.

 

[velvet_crush]

Would you really start with a 24/7 TPE because you think it sounds like fun? What would you do if you wanted to try something that not written down somewhere? Would you then deny your feelings? I think the hunt for the proper label is like the hunt for the Holy Grail.

"It's an island, babe. If you didn't bring it here, you won't find it here."

Of course I wouldn't start with a 24/7 TPE because it sounds like fun. No - I wouldn't do something that isn't written down somewhere. I'm not hunting for a proper label. I'm just learning.

It's simply a starting point. That's all.

This "babe" respectfully goes back to lurking on her own island.

 

[BeachGurl2]

The opinion of someone who doesn't know me regarding what I choose to do or the things I think are important matters about as much as a squirt of piss in the Pacific.

This pretty much sums it up. What difference does it make? No matter the topic, the ignorant will always have opinions that have no basis in fact whatsoever. They don't care to get educated because they define themselves by their hatred and negativity. What they think isn't going to change who I am or what I do. And they certainly aren't going to make me feel bad about it.

Those posting on that thread are, for the most part, of the same mindset as the OP. Frankly, what they think about any topic matters not to me. That's why I don't visit the GB, wasteland of the monumentally stupid.