It has occurred to me that I may not be a natural Dominant

[FurryFury]

I can understand what you're saying, Marquis.

Being dominant often comes from an internal drive to alter things to suit your own imagination.

But occasionally you can feel that what you're doing is essentially putting things in cages, which can be tiring and so much less interesting than seeing things in their natural state.

So some people are natural ringmasters and zookeepers, calling the shots and loving every moment of direction.

Some people get tired of this and want to sit in the audience or just go sit on a park bench and observe for a little bit. Soak something in instead of wringing it out.

Sometimes it's not something you "are" but it indicates that you need a change of pace or thought, and you'll go naturally to the next step of development if you just give it a chance.

Above all, don't force a thing, and do what's internally the right thing to do, never do anything to keep up an image, because a transition to the next phase might be not what you expected, but a lot more fulfilling than where you are now.

Cute kitty av!!!

Fury

 

[rosco rathbone]

.

I mean, dominants get what they want. A submissive's job is to give it to them. Looking at it from that perspective, who has it easy?

I don't know how you people do it. God bless you.

 

[Quint]

I don't know how you people do it. God bless you.

"You people"? No no no, I was talking about submissives. I just lay back on the pillow and have T make me cum over and over again. Then sometimes if I feel like it, I might return the favor until my jaw gets tired or my lipstick smears.

Geez, who do you take me for?

 

[Recidiva]

Cute kitty av!!!

Fury

Mrow

 

[Recidiva]

"You people"? No no no, I was talking about submissives. I just lay back on the pillow and have T make me cum over and over again. Then sometimes if I feel like it, I might return the favor until my jaw gets tired or my lipstick smears.

Geez, who do you take me for?

*snicker*

 

[Marquis]

"You people"? No no no, I was talking about submissives. I just lay back on the pillow and have T make me cum over and over again. Then sometimes if I feel like it, I might return the favor until my jaw gets tired or my lipstick smears.

Geez, who do you take me for?

There's a lot of subs like you on the scene in Miami.

 

[FurryFury]

Mrow

*purr*

Fury

 

[bridgeburner]

There's a lot of subs like you on the scene in Miami.

Yeah, she's the Quint-essential Princess Sub. T spends hours daily composing verse in tribute to the gift of her submission.


(I confess: I made my neighbor come type that for me because I couldn't keep a straight face and she just got a Botox injection.)



-B

 

[Quint]

Yeah, she's the Quint-essential Princess Sub. T spends hours daily composing verse in tribute to the gift of her submission.


(I confess: I made my neighbor come type that for me because I couldn't keep a straight face and she just got a Botox injection.)



-B

I am shamelessly thieving this quote. That's too terrific.

 

[Marquis]

I've just decided this entire thread is bullshit, it's funny how often I go back and forth on this issue.

 

[bridgeburner]

I am shamelessly thieving this quote. That's too terrific.

Happy to oblige!

 

[Quint]

I've just decided this entire thread is bullshit, it's funny how often I go back and forth on this issue.

I think the label is holding you back. When you want to cook, you don't think "Well, am I really a chef? I mean, I like to cook, but it's an awful lot of work and sometimes I just want to grab a Whataburger...maybe I'm not cut out for this cooking thing." Just cook, dammit!

 

[Marquis]

Sexy new av.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

it is only hard work if you make it hard work.

I agree. I've had days where being the one in the Dominant position took it out of me.. and days where being the sub made me want to painfully torture my Dom... but.. you work at it. It's like any relationship... however.. there should always, I think, be more ... natural-ness than work.

I love my spouse.. it feels right to be with him.. we work well together... but some days I want to kill him. The natural FAR outweighs the effort.

 

[BeachGurl2]

What difference does it make if you're a natural Dom or not? I'm not sure I see the problem here, other than you admit to being occasionally lazy. Who isn't occasionally lazy? Are you a Dom or not?

 

[Marquis]

Thank you my comrades, after much consideration I've decided I'm not only a natural Dominant, but perhaps the most natural Dominant that has ever been known to man.

 

[RJMasters]

I detect a dominant basking afterglow

 

[Marquis]

I have a question for the submissives.

How submissive are you really?

How often do you step outside the zone of submission that you both appreciate?

What if you thought his opinion was incorrect or unfair? Would you submit then?

How often do you think that?

 

[Marquis]

I'm going to start a new thread with that question if people don't start answering it here.

 

[BeachGurl2]

I'm going to start a new thread with that question if people don't start answering it here.

Patience. I read the question and have been pondering it. I'll answer when I have something constructive to say. Well, something I consider constructive, anyway. Others might disagree.

 

[NemoAlia]

How often do you step outside the zone of submission that you both appreciate?

What if you thought his opinion was incorrect or unfair? Would you submit then?

I think about this pretty regularly. But before I start typing a long-winded response, here's a little background: I'm currently a Swingin' Single. My closest sexual relationship is one that has lasted these five years (with a hiatus in the middle). The man in question (we'll call him K and give him an office in the attic) has always been toppish, and is now Decidedly Domly. And I love him with all of my heart, have begged to be his girlfriend, his house slave, his anything he'd like. (Okay, I limit my begging on the subject to once every few months... I have a feeling he'd be less willing to keep up with our hot sex and strong friendship if I whined about wanting to be his girlfriend all the time...)

Okay, background complete. Response imminent.

Overall, I'm kind of a Pillow Princess. With most of my sexual (or scene) partners, I tend to be a Do Me sort of girl, to be entirely honest. Even going down on a guy... most guys have to hold me down there, or I wander off pretty quickly. But with K, yeah, my submission is far more intense. And it includes things like submitting to his definition of our relationship, to his political opinions, to decisions he makes regarding whether he's sober enough to drive.

I know I'm doing it, submitting more than I'm normally comfortable with, and there's be a tiny voice in the back of my head that says, "Um, have we stopped being a grown-up, all of a sudden?" But I absolutely cannot even rationally consider not doing exactly everything His Way. It utterly turns me on.

But this uber-submission is not something of which I'm capable (or in which I'm interested) with any other Dom. It seems to be firmly fixated on the one guy. Maybe it could find a home in another relationship, but I'm not sure I'd want it to, y'know?

However, knowing my potential for it makes answering questions like, "How far would you go?" very difficult. Because with K, there are no limits. But with anyone else, it seems, I'm barely even submissive. I'm basically just a masochistic pervert, y'know?

 

[FurryFury]

I have a question for the submissives.

How submissive are you really?

How often do you step outside the zone of submission that you both appreciate?

What if you thought his opinion was incorrect or unfair? Would you submit then?

How often do you think that?

I've rarely had such a person in my life to give answer to this but when I did have an online Dom, I was always afraid of what he would ask of me next. I was particularly afraid of public tasks.

Those of course were outside of my limits but so many push those limits, that I expected him to. He was smarter than that. I never had to decide except upon hearing the very first task, if I could possibly blow my relationship with him on the one hand or blow by one of my stated limits on the other hand.

However there were still times that I thought he had judged me too harshly and was being somewhat incorrect or unfair. At those times I did submit regardless. It wasn't often that this happened. I felt it was little enough sacrifice to do for the relationship to run smooth.

At other times I've been judged harshly too and submitted to what I considered unfair reprisals or punishments with good grace. Life isn't fair, I never expected it to be so.

Fury

 

[BeachGurl2]

I have a question for the submissives.

How submissive are you really?

How often do you step outside the zone of submission that you both appreciate?

What if you thought his opinion was incorrect or unfair? Would you submit then?

How often do you think that?

Okay, pondered this a bit. Like NemoAlia, my level of submission depends on my relationship. I tend to respond much more submissively when I'm "asked" to do things rather than when I'm "ordered" to do them. In fact, I tend to rebel when I'm ordered to do things - I'm talking outside of the scene/bedroom aspect. However, in the right relationship, my submission becomes second nature and extends into every aspect of the relationship. At this point, I become very much the "service" sub, making sure that everything he could want or need is taken care of. So at this point, he rarely has to ask for anything because it is already provided. But that doesn't happen immediately, it's something that develops over time as trust and respect develop over time. And if my own needs are being ignored, then this aspect does not develop for me - part of that trust/respect issue.

That said, I do have a brain and opinions of my own. So the right relationship for me includes the ability to discuss, debate and disagree on things - politics, religion, philosophy, books, etc. But my debates don't include the desire to be "right", just the need to hold my own opinion rather than be required to hold his opinion, and to have that opinion respected, even when we don't agree. And for me, there has to be some mechanism for me to voice disagreement so that I feel heard and respected. Does that mean that I won't ultimately submit to his position, even if I disagree? Of course not, if the trust and respect are there. Because if the trust and respect are there, when I disagree, he takes what I say into consideration when he makes a decision. And because I know that he does this, then I'm able to submit to his decision, even when it goes against what I think.

Does that answer your question, Marquis? Like I said, some may agree, some disagree. That's okay, too.

 

[alice_underneath]

I have a question for the submissives.

How submissive are you really?

I am a married woman, and my relationship with my husband has distinct D/s elements. That is to say, there are certain spheres (both in and out of the bedroom) in which we both acknowledge that he is in charge. Generally speaking, I defer to his authority/judgment/decisions/whims in the D/s sphere.

However, this is not a TPE relationship. (Nor do I wish it to become one). There is a non-D/s sphere in our relationship as well. Nevertheless, I have noticed that in major decisions which technically fall in the non-D/s sphere, I usually defer to his judgment - even though I am not expected to. I think this is because I trust and respect him immensely..... and because I have learned through the years that he is nearly always right.

What if you thought his opinion was incorrect or unfair? Would you submit then?

Even within the D/s sphere of our relationship, my answer to this question is no.

If the issue is significant, and I believe that his opinion is incorrect or unfair, then I will ask him to explain or try to justify it. If he can not articulate an explanation to the point where I understand the goal or reasonableness or fairness of his opinion, then I will refuse to submit.

How often do you think that?

Rarely.

An interesting additional question might be: How does he feel when this happens?

My answer is: he's obviously not thrilled with my refusal to submit. On the other hand, he says this makes the times when I do submit seem that much more valuable.

Alice

 

[Thrall_67]

I have a question for the submissives.

How submissive are you really?

How often do you step outside the zone of submission that you both appreciate?

What if you thought his opinion was incorrect or unfair? Would you submit then?

How often do you think that?

Ahhhhh, finally Sir, we get to the core of this beautiful world..........

As far as the "Natural Dominant" question.... there are natural Dominants - sometimes they don't even know that this is what they are. Let me give an example:
i met a man a few years ago - not particularly good-looking nor arrogant (in fact, much to my dismay at first, He was very religious - Mormon in fact) but the moment i heard Him speak, at any time that i was in His presence, i could not control the "slave fires in my belly'. He knew nothing of BDSM, nor did He understand my interest in Him at first. After three months of much explaining and incredibly obvious and slutty seducing on my part, He did Dom me...... (insert evil grin here).
It was not His feeling of Himself...........it was the response He illicted in me......
This made Him a "Natural Dom" in my opinion........

i don't submit to just anyone - in fact, after 20 years of learning about myself and this world of kink, i have come to understand that each person's world is their own. i submit to those with whom i can not help but submit to - naturally. Sometimes at a play party i may beg to play with someone who either scares or pisses me off - safe to do at a public party - not because i like Them but because of the challenge of understanding my submission - it's not about Them - it's about the inner slave in me and understanding her.

i have been very lucky to spend time with Others who understand this world better than me and have learned so much for it. They have brought me to tears, sometimes from pain, sometimes from humiliation, sometimes from shame (of disappointing Them), but as it has always seemed to me - because They too want me to see me........ good, bad and ugly and the challenge of this is often the "hard work" that every great Dom would be happy to do............

As far as "how often do i step outside my submission" - every freaking day! i work in a male dominated industry. Not only am i the only woman......... i am the boss! The word "bitch" is sometimes used to describe me at work - but alas, i silently smile to myself, i do so like being called that

For me, submission is about much more than my sexuality, it's about the beautiful and complex inner spirit to which balance is a constant and fragile state of being..............

Thank you Sir for Your, once again, subtle and somewhat sneaky path to the truth.......