Jealousy

[CorsetLvr]

My experiences with jealousy have mainly been wanting what I don't have. Example - last year my roommate was hooking up in the room while I was trying to sleep (I could've left but that would have made it really awkward for him and I didn't want to blow his chances at anything). I wasn't mad that I couldn't sleep, I was just jealous that he was getting play.

That's not jealousy, its called envy. Wanting what you can't have. Rather then obsessing over it, why not spend the time on working on developing your own relationships.

 

[EndCredits]

That's not jealousy, its called envy. Wanting what you can't have. Rather then obsessing over it, why not spend the time on working on developing your own relationships.

I always thought jealousy and envy were the same thing. Matter of semantics, I suppose. *shrugs*

 

[Xerxes82]

Way I see it, a certain measure of jealousy can be a good thing, in moderation. I've seen it in the extreme as well, and then it just isn't pretty...

 

[devils_daughter]

I agree about jealousy stemming from fear in a lot of cases. Every time I've been jealous of other girls and my boyfriend is if I get scared of losing him, or scared I can't compare to the girls that he's talking to (or more often, the girls that express interest in him). I'm getting lless jealous as time goes by, as I'm getting more secure with him, the more girls that say they're interested in him means there's more girls that he's turning down to stay with me which tbh is a bit of an ego boost.

I sometimes wonder if men get more jealous then women because they see us more as their territory/property and they don't like the idea of us being taken from them. I got that feeling from my ex and in a way sometimes with my boyfriend. Even yesterday when I was out with a friend, I told him about the guy calling out and whistling at me, and the guys my friend caught staring at my ass and he really didn't like that, but he'd be more jealous if I didn't tell him, as he'd think I'm hiding things from him.

I think honesty is the best way to get over jealousy, even if what you have to tell your partner will make them jealous, they'll probably be more jealous if you don't tell them as they'll think you're hiding something.

 

[Eilan]

I always thought jealousy and envy were the same thing. Matter of semantics, I suppose. *shrugs*

According to dictionary.com, they're not the same thing. Envy definitely applies to your situation.

Jealous
1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.
2. a. Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.
b. Inclined to suspect rivalry.
3. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts.
4. Vigilant in guarding something: We are jealous of our good name.
5. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic: a jealous God.

Envy
1. A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.
2. The object of such feeling: Their new pool made them the envy of their neighbors.

 

[CorsetLvr]

According to dictionary.com, they're not the same thing. Envy definitely applies to your situation.

Thank you Eilan. The confidence in my mastery of the English language, and vocabulary, is restored.

 

[CorsetLvr]

Way I see it, a certain measure of jealousy can be a good thing, in moderation. I've seen it in the extreme as well, and then it just isn't pretty...

A little jealousy can certainly put the fire in your belly, and other places. The problem is when it becomes an overwhelming thing that over rules logic and common sense.

 

[Eilan]

Thank you Eilan. The confidence in my mastery of the English language, and vocabulary, is restored.

Now if only my reading comprehension skills were up to par.

 

[CorsetLvr]

Now if only my reading comprehension skills were up to par.

Something tells me that your skills are just fine. What was that about comprehension? Oh yea, reading comprehension. Maybe I missed something.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Do all people feel jealousy at times? Is there anyone who's never felt jealous?

 

[SweetErika]

Do all people feel jealousy at times? Is there anyone who's never felt jealous?

I'm guessing everyone feels (or has felt) jealousy at least once. I do have a friend who doesn't feel any jealousy in romantic relationships though. His philosophy is that people (even his wife) are free agents, not possessions, and it's natural and right for people to meet different needs, so there's no rivalry or fear of being replaced. When those he cares about love, are loved by, and have wants and needs met by others, he's just happy (a little trivia... in some circles, the name for that experience is 'compersion').

 

[Scepter]

Do all people feel jealousy at times? Is there anyone who's never felt jealous?

I doubt sociopaths do.

I believe in tolerance and freedom, my lady is free to do as she wishes, the cravat is that so am I.
And if she does something outside our rules of conduct then of course I am free to do as I wish, meaning I can then ignore our rules of conduct.

Yes, under certain circumstances I get jealous.

 

[Kpooh]

I doubt sociopaths do.

I believe in tolerance and freedom, my lady is free to do as she wishes, the cravat is that so am I.
And if she does something outside our rules of conduct then of course I am free to do as I wish, meaning I can then ignore our rules of conduct.

Same here...my man is free to do as he wishes, but the road goes both ways!!! And I am very jealous,... most of the time!

 

[lady_sensuous]

 

[Scepter]

Jealousy is such a bad word. It can kill. I try to stay away from people like this. There can be concern when you're mate doesn't come home on time, but to scream at them for it is totally insane. I can't be around it nor am I close to being a jealous person.

Assuming you have a significant other, are you saying that you feel no jealousy whatsoever, no matter what your SO might do? Let's say you catch him or her in a motel with someone else, does everything remain the same in your relationship?

 

[SweetErika]

I agree about jealousy stemming from fear in a lot of cases. Every time I've been jealous of other girls and my boyfriend is if I get scared of losing him, or scared I can't compare to the girls that he's talking to (or more often, the girls that express interest in him). I'm getting lless jealous as time goes by, as I'm getting more secure with him, the more girls that say they're interested in him means there's more girls that he's turning down to stay with me which tbh is a bit of an ego boost.

I've thought, 'There's a reason why s/he's with ME.' too in order to calm my fears and get rid of jealousy...it's a good technique.

I sometimes wonder if men get more jealous then women because they see us more as their territory/property and they don't like the idea of us being taken from them. I got that feeling from my ex and in a way sometimes with my boyfriend. Even yesterday when I was out with a friend, I told him about the guy calling out and whistling at me, and the guys my friend caught staring at my ass and he really didn't like that, but he'd be more jealous if I didn't tell him, as he'd think I'm hiding things from him.

I think honesty is the best way to get over jealousy, even if what you have to tell your partner will make them jealous, they'll probably be more jealous if you don't tell them as they'll think you're hiding something.

You bring up an interesting thought about jealousy interacting with trust, but I can't wrap my head around it just now.

(How) Does jealousy relate to honesty and trust?

 

[LadyJeanne]

You bring up an interesting thought about jealousy interacting with trust, but I can't wrap my head around it just now.

(How) Does jealousy relate to honesty and trust?

If you fear losing someone, then you don't trust that they're commited to you and your relationship. You fear that whatever you have together isn't enough to keep that person with you - you don't trust the relationship.

Misunderstanding about honesty and trust can lead to jealousy. If one partner's expectations about what behavior is ok (looking, smiling, flirting?) do not match the other's you can get into situations where one person is fuming and the other doesn't have a clue why. If the jealous and fuming partner doesn't trust the other's intentions, they might also think the other is lying (how many other guys have you been flirting with behind my back???), and that just makes everything worse.

There are more connections, I'm sure. But the three are linked. They're linked to respect as well, just to add to the complexity.

 

[CorsetLvr]

I've thought, 'There's a reason why s/he's with ME.' too in order to calm my fears and get rid of jealousy...it's a good technique.
You bring up an interesting thought about jealousy interacting with trust, but I can't wrap my head around it just now.
(How) Does jealousy relate to honesty and trust?

IMHO, the source of jealousy is a lck of trust. However, the real question is what is the source of that distrust? Is it justifiable? Is there something that your mate is doing to justify the mistrust or is that lack of trust simply your own feelings of inadequacy and low self-image or guilt? I think the latter is generally the case for most couples dealing with jealousy.

I have a friend whose ex would fly in a jealousy rage if she wore a while blouse because another man with see some hint of her bra underneath it. How does a white blouse lead to her cheating on him. Apparently, at least in his mind, it did. Was it justified? I think not. Admittedly this is a bit extreme, but the extremes sometimes illustrate better then milder examples.

In this case, his own feelings of inadequacy were so extreme that he feared the lust of other men simply because of items in her wardrobe that others would find rather blase'. Was she looking to have an affair by wearing a white blouse? No, of course not. This is where there is a major disconnect with logic when it comes to trying to analyze an emotion like jealousy. To me, jealousy is often defined as the lack of logic when it comes to the analysis of the behavior of important people in your life.

In our case and the example of many of our friends, that I mentioned before, we have been able to manage jealousy to the point where there is not necessarily a connection between sex and love. We can enjoy sex with others with the understanding that there is no long term emotional attachment associated with it. That's not to say that I don't love many of our swinging friends, but its a love based on friendship and attraction. We both recognize and accept that love for our friends and in so doing it strengthens our relationship.

We all feel sexual temptation. Its part of being human. How we handle that temptation personally, and as part of our relationship, is what makes us who we are. Who among us has not fantasized about someone who is not their partner? Have you ever felt guilty about it? Would you share that fantasy with your partner? How would your partner react to the fantasy? These are all questions that reveal much about how we deal with jealousy in our lives and relationships.

How many of you have heard stories about couples that broke up because one or both of them were "cheating?" How many of you have "cheated" on your partner. Basically the human animal is not monogamous. Sex is something that is part of our non-logical, primordial brain. Admittedly, some people's social conditioning allows them to keep this in check. The lifestyle that my hubby and I live allows us to admit this to ourselves and deal with it in a healthy, relationship re-affirming way. Rather then allow it to destroy our relationship, we allow it to strengthen it. I'm often very surprised by the reaction that my straight friends sometimes have when I share that I am a swinger. Their shock is somewhat mystifying to me, especially when it is someone I know that has had one or several affairs in the past. Its like its OK if their partner doesn't know they are fucking someone else, but its not OK if my partner does know, and is even supportive of me doing so. Again, the logic escapes me. Emotions are not logical, admittedly. Where is Mr. Spock when I need him?