Jump for a Joke!

[Last_Rider]

A guy walks into a bar one night, orders six double vodka's. The bartender raises an eyebrow and queries, "Hell of a day?"

The man sighs and responds, "Yeah, my oldest son is gay."

Two days later, the man returns and again orders six double vodka's, again earning the bartenders attention, "What this time?"

The man knocked back one of the drinks before responding, "Turns out my youngest is gay too."

The very next night the man comes back in, same order. The bartender is flabbergasted, "Jesus, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

"Yeah," the man responds raising a glass to his lips, "my wife."

 

[Kiwikitty]

A guy walks into a bar one night, orders six double vodka's. The bartender raises an eyebrow and queries, "Hell of a day?"

The man sighs and responds, "Yeah, my oldest son is gay."

Two days later, the man returns and again orders six double vodka's, again earning the bartenders attention, "What this time?"

The man knocked back one of the drinks before responding, "Turns out my youngest is gay too."

The very next night the man comes back in, same order. The bartender is flabbergasted, "Jesus, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

"Yeah," the man responds raising a glass to his lips, "my wife."

Haha I've heard that one before and it's funny every time .

 

[Last_Rider]

ok, not a joke, but a damn funny read.

http://adultfriendfinder.com/magazi...mRmaW5kZXIuY29tfE31&navbar=1&m=29843258_86171

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

A Message from John Cleese - British comedian
Tuesday, January 19, 2010 at 11:00pm
To the citizens of the United States of America:


In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and nuclear, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise,
you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary' ).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The
fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with
immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth,
only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood
will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie
Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has
some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). In the meantime don't try
rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God save the Queen!

 

[monique_minx]

Okay so this is a bit of a song joke. There's a few things you need to know in order to understand it, first is the Australian National Anthem, second is that Aussies love to make fun of ourselves and third is that this was aired on National television on Monday night on a show called Good News Week. I'm a devoted fan of this show, I love the humour in it! I hope this gives everyone a laugh, especially my fellow Aussies - if you don't watch GNW, you better start!

Advance Australia Fair

Australians all let us rejoice,
For we are young and free;
We've golden soil and wealth for toil,
Our home is girt by sea;
Our land abounds in Nature's gifts
Of beauty rich and rare;
In history's page, let every stage
Advance Australia fair!
In joyful strains then let us sing,
"Advance Australia fair!"


And now the joke version...



Advance Australia Fair Enough
By Paul McDermott

Australian’s all let us lament,
For we are aging quick
Our golden soil is parched and boiled
Our home has shat a brick
The bush abounds in feral pests
Our fauna’s out of luck
The land’s a joke,
The country’s broke
Advance me 50 bucks
I have no doubt
It’s not my shout
Advance me 50 bucks

~II~

Australian’s all let us rejoice
For we are white and free
Unless you’re brown or yellow, black or Aborigine,
Or if you’re Muslim, gay or woman or have reddish hair
But all the rest
They can attest
Advance Australia Fair
Our refugees are girt by seas
Advance Australia Fair​

 

[mynameisben]

How do you stop an argument? Shove the man's head into your tits.

I beg to differ.

 

[monique_minx]

Okay so this is a bit of a song joke. There's a few things you need to know in order to understand it, first is the Australian National Anthem, second is that Aussies love to make fun of ourselves and third is that this was aired on National television on Monday night on a show called Good News Week. I'm a devoted fan of this show, I love the humour in it! I hope this gives everyone a laugh, especially my fellow Aussies - if you don't watch GNW, you better start!

Advance Australia Fair

Australians all let us rejoice,
For we are young and free;
We've golden soil and wealth for toil,
Our home is girt by sea;
Our land abounds in Nature's gifts
Of beauty rich and rare;
In history's page, let every stage
Advance Australia fair!
In joyful strains then let us sing,
"Advance Australia fair!"


And now the joke version...



Advance Australia Fair Enough
By Paul McDermott

Australian’s all let us lament,
For we are aging quick
Our golden soil is parched and boiled
Our home has shat a brick
The bush abounds in feral pests
Our fauna’s out of luck
The land’s a joke,
The country’s broke
Advance me 50 bucks
I have no doubt
It’s not my shout
Advance me 50 bucks

~II~

Australian’s all let us rejoice
For we are white and free
Unless you’re brown or yellow, black or Aborigine,
Or if you’re Muslim, gay or woman or have reddish hair
But all the rest
They can attest
Advance Australia Fair
Our refugees are girt by seas
Advance Australia Fair​

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8KJAQM5pnk

Here's the link, laugh yourself silly

 

[Gatekeeper9357]

=)

An old man and an old woman are relaxing one day on the porch in their rocking chairs. Out of the blue, the old woman reaches over and hits the old man in the head, knocking him right out of his chair. He asks her, "What the hell was that for...???" She replies, "That's for 45 years of bad sex!!!" The old man climbs back into his rocking chair and ponders what just happened. After about 15 minutes, the old man reaches over and belts the old woman hard enough to knock her completely off the porch... "What the hell was that for...???", she screams. "That's for knowing the difference!!!"

 

[Rayne_Clowd]

*removed as requested*

 

[Rayne_Clowd]

*removed as requested*

 

[thelittledeadgirl]

Little Johnny Joke Collection

Little Johnny is sitting in class one day while his teacher discusses linguistics.

Mrs. Brown: Can anybody give me an example of a 3 syllable word?

Johnny shoots his hand up in the air, waving enthusiastically until Mrs. Brown calls on him.

Mrs. Brown: Yes Johnny?

Johnny: Oh I have a good one! Mas-tur-bate!

Mrs. Brown is silent for a moment or two before responding: Wow Johnny, you just said a mouthful!

Johnny: NO, Mrs. Brown, You're thinking of a blowjob, but you're on the right track!
~

Later on, in math class...

Mrs. Brown: Johnny, if 4 birds were sitting on a fence and you shot one with your slingshot how many would be left?

Johnny responds: None, because the rest would all fly away!

Mrs. Brown responds: Well the answer I was looking for was 3 but I like the way you think.

Later on, after class is over, Johnny approaches his teacher's desk with a query:

Johnny: Mrs. Brown? 3 girls are sitting on a park bench eating ice-cream. One is licking her cone, one is sucking her cone and gobbling down the top and the other is biting hers. Which one of the girls is engaged?

Mrs. Brown nervously responds: Well, the one sucking her cone I guess.

Johnny: Well Mrs. Brown the correct answer is the one wearing the engagement ring... but I like the way you think!
~

Little Johnny is 10 and his father has decided it's about time he learned the facts of life. Rather than having an awkward discussion with him, his father simply asks him "Hey Johnny, do you want to know how babies are made?"

Johnny goes "Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah!" and so his father leads him into the bedroom and gestures to his mother who is sprawled out naked on the bed. "Okay, you see that round hole on Mommy going up and down? Johnny nods. "Well, watch this!"

So saying, the Father begins making love to his wife while Johnny watches in rapt fascination. Shortly, Johnny's little 6-year-old brother Jimmy wanders past the room and asks "Hey Johnny, what's going on?" Johnny responds "Oh, Im learning how babies are made. Do you want to know too?" Of course Jimmy responds with "yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"

Johnny points at the bed and says.

"Okay, you see that little round hole on Daddy going up and down? Well, watch this!"
~

More terrible jokes impending! Muahahahahaha!

 

[Eiselmann]

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-___expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest ___expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

[monique_minx]

LOL littledeadgirl! Little Johnny is such a classic collection!
And Eiselmann...love it but I'm thinking I'm more on the male side when I define things

 

[sallythescorpian]

A man asked his wife "What would you do if I won the Lotto"

The wife said "I'd take half and leave you!!"

The man said "Great! I won a tenner, here's a fiver, now fuck off!"

 

[sallythescorpian]

John, a seventy year old wealthy widower shows up at his club, with his super hot 25 year old wife! His buddies eventually get him alone, and green with envy ask him "John! How'd you persuade that sex bomb to marry you?" Looking smug, John says "I lied about my age!" One of his friends asked "Did you tell her you were only 50?" John smiled and shook his head "Nah! I told her I was 90!!!"

 

[sallythescorpian]

this guy is at work one day, when he spot his collegue is wearing a diamond stud in his ear. "John! You are normally such a conservative guy! What came over you mid life crisis? i didn't know you were into earings!"

Dont make a big deal outta it! Its only an earing, John replies, eyes flicking around the office, hoping no one else has overheard.

"So", says his friend, "how long have you been wearing it?"

"Ever since my wife found it in the car"

 

[sallythescorpian]

This ventriloquist is on stage in a packed auditoruim, with his dummy on his knee, telling a dumb blonde joke, when suddenly this platinum blonde stands to her feet in the second row and calls out "What give you the right to sterotype blondes in this way? It's disgraceful! What does hair colour have to do with intelligence?"

the place is totally silent, you could hear a pin drop. the Ventriloquist, pretty flustered by now, begins to stammer out an apology. The blonde leaps to her feet again, points to the ventriloquist and shouts "You stay the hell out of it! I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!!"

 

[thelittledeadgirl]

This ventriloquist is on stage in a packed auditoruim, with his dummy on his knee, telling a dumb blonde joke, when suddenly this platinum blonde stands to her feet in the second row and calls out "What give you the right to sterotype blondes in this way? It's disgraceful! What does hair colour have to do with intelligence?"

the place is totally silent, you could hear a pin drop. the Ventriloquist, pretty flustered by now, begins to stammer out an apology. The blonde leaps to her feet again, points to the ventriloquist and shouts "You stay the hell out of it! I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!!"

Oh god, Sally you've officially prompted my recitation of what I call my ULTIMATE BLONDE JOKE

4 blondes walk into a bar, order a round of coke & rum for the entire place, sit down at the large conference table in the middle and clink their glasses together in celebration cheering "61 days! We did it girls!"

3 more blondes walk into the bar, join the other 4 at the table, order another round and when it arrives they clink thier glasses together, hug, cheer and start chanting "61 days, 61 days, 61 days! Woo Hoo!"

2 more blondes walk in, join the other 7 at the table and engage in a big, rowdy, cheering and crying group-hug. They order another round of coke & rum and raise their voices high with jubilation chanting "61 days hah! 61 days hoo! 61 Days HAH!"

A 10th blonde walks in carrying something in a picture frame and as she lays it down in the middle of the table full of blondes a great cheer goes up from the multitude. Tears are running down their cheeks as they embrace eahother and celebrate all the while screaming "61 days, we did it girls! Once and for all, 61 days!"

At this point the bartender is getting pretty confused, as I'm sure you are as well, and so he goes over to the table of blondes and asks what all the fuss is about.

Bartender: Ladies, I'm glad to see you having a good time, but I've got to know, what are we celebrating? What's this 61 days all about?

10th Blonde: Well, everyone always says blondes are stupid, right?

Bartender: Yyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaah...

10th Blonde: Well, we set out to prove them wrong once and for all! You see this?

She motions to the picture frame, inside is a child's puzzle of the cookie monster, neatly assembled and framed. Not understanding the relevance, the bartender looks blankly at the Blondes for an explanation.

10th Blonde: You see, on the box it said 2-4 years, but WE put it together in just 61 days!!!

 

[monique_minx]

Quotes from Good News Week

"Women like us to be sorry...preferrably for the rest of our lives! I'm so used to saying it that I tell my wife I'm sorry every morning after she wakes up; just in case I did something wrong in one of her dreams."

How do you know if a rugby league player has been to etiquette class?

His cock is IN his pants

What message would you leave on God's answering machine?

"Errr hello God, yeah, your son just turned up with his 12 grotty unemployed mates and that whore again!"​

 

[Alana_]

Six parts of one joke.

SIX AFFAIRS


The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'



The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcas e,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'



The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one a nd I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed..

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'



The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'



The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

[MsAphrodite]

Don't take this to literally

One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysitter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.

So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysitter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysitter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."

When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"

The guy said "Um, it's a rubber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."

Then the babysitter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."

So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.

The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."

 

[thelittledeadgirl]

A fellow walks into a bar with a look on his face that would stop a platoon of enemy troopers in their tracks. Sitting heavily down at the bar, he orders a bottle of the strongest stuff they've got. The tender takes one look at him, hands him a bottle of 151 and asks:

"Hey buddy, you look like hell! What happened to you?"

"Oh." replies the man, "I just went home and found my wife fucking my best friend."

"Geeze that's rough," says the tender sympathetically. "What did you do?"

"Well, I looked my wife right in the eyes and told her we're through!"

"What did you say to your best friend?" Asks the bartender.

"Well, I looked him right in the eyes, and I said...

BAD DOG!"

 

[monique_minx]

Things you should NEVER say to your Dom

Oh MzAphrodite that's just terrible LOL! And you too Daisy, geez!

This is a hilarious list by an Unknown Author, this totally cracked me up and has me begging to try some of this out just to see what happens Minx is feeling suicidal I think...

Pushing limits does not mean making Master so angry the vein above his right eye throbs.

"Quit it!" "Ow, damnit!" "I'm hiding that toy when you go to work tomorrow" and cursing a blue streak are not safe words.

"Oh my god, where did you get those, they are gorgeous!!!" is not considered boot worship.

"Ya want fries with that?", "Want me to drink it for you too?" are not appropriate remarks when Master gives you an elaborate drink order.

Flipping your dominant off while your hands are cuffed behind your back is a bad idea. Owners have ways of knowing these things.

Putting lube, goop, Superglue, ink or any other substance that will sully the hands of Master on his toys while setting up for a session is not a good idea.

Kicking that toy you hate far under the bed is futile. Master will only secure your wristcuffs to your anklecuffs and make you crawl for it... repeatedly.

"Bite me" is never an intelligent response to a command.

Doing your Beavis and Butthead imitation of "Fire, fire, fire, fire!" during Master's lecture on fireplay safety is considered rude.

Responding with "Yes, All Wise, All Knowing Grand Imperial Weenie" is not appropriate when Master asks you if you are comfortable during a bondage scene.

Asking to go to the bathroom every five minutes while Master practices his Japanese rope work on you will try his patience, quickly.

Crossing your eyes and sticking your tongue out while your dominant is discussing your punishment is not wise.

There is no such thing as slave immunity, free slave day, or the pms defense.
The slave jury might not convict you, but the Dom judge will override the verdict. Count on it.

Pretending Master's collection of buttplugs are toys and singing the "Weebles wobble but they won't fall down" song is not a good idea.

Repeatedly blowing out each candle Master lights during wax play will get you punished.

Checking Master's head for the 666 symbol after a harsh punishment will only get you more of the same, or worse.

"I know you are but what am I?" is not the appropriate response when called a raunchy little whore during humiliation play.

Using the spreader bars, paddles or canes for the fireplace is not a good plan.

"Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me" is an unacceptable remark when Master's flogger slips.

When Master pulls out his bullwhip and says he wants to play, he doesn't mean hide-and-seek...he will find you eventually.

Calling Merry Maids when you are ordered to spruce the place up is not what your dominant had in mind.

"Faster, faster, we need a new Master" is NOT the song to sing during a session.

"Oh, and you think I am?" is an unacceptable response to hearing your dominant say he is not pleased.

During a play party is not the time to do your hilarious imitation of Igor and hunch over, moaning "Yes, Master" when ordered to fetch something.

Adding "Sir" or "Master" to "Fuck that plan!" will not save you.

Singing the chorus of "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" under your breath during a session is considered foolhardy.

Arguing whether "Master might not be right, but Master is never wrong" is Zen or Buddhist philosophy will only get you rewarded with kneeling in the corner on a bed of Legos "to help you consider the question in quiet contemplation."

Reciting nursery rhymes during an interrogation scene to crack your Owner up only lasts for so long. Then you will pay BIG.

Asking "Is that as HARD as you can hit??" is considered a cry for help amongst submissive suicide prevention workers.

 

[monique_minx]

Top ten signs you are Too Old for BDSM

Author: Unknown

10. Sensory deprivation is when your Dom hides your hearing aid batteries.

9. Your nipple clamps have training wheels.

8. Edge play is standing by the microwave with a pacemaker.

7. When you tell your sub to get the cane, she has to specify "walking" or "beating".

6. You can't tell the difference between your tattoos and your age spots.

5. You shout "One, two, three, CLEAR!" for electrical play.

4. Your idea of breath play is when your wheelchair runs over your oxygen hose.

3. Your idea of suspension is an UltraLift bra.

2. You hold the paddle and say, "You're younger than me....back into the paddle ....HARD!"

And the Number One way to tell you might be too old for BDSM:

1. Age play really is 24/7.

 

[monique_minx]

The 12 Days of Kinky Christmas

Author: Unknown

On the 1st day of Christmas, my master gave to me...

A Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my master gave to me...

2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my master gave to me...

3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 4th day of Christmas, my master gave to me...

4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 5th day of Christmas, my master gave to me...

FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 6th day of Christmas, my master gave to me...

6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS,.4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 7th day of Christmas, my master gave to me...

7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 8th day of Christmas, my master gave to me...

8 Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 9th day of Christmas, my master gave to me...

9 Candles Dripping, 8 Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 10th day of Christmas, my master gave to me...

10 Lords a Whipping, 9 Candles Dripping, 8 Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 11th day of Christmas, my master gave to me...

11 Pairs of Stockings, 10 Lords a Whipping, 9 Candles Dripping, 8 Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 12th day of Christmas, my master gave to me...

12 Orgasms Screaming, 11 Pairs of Stockings, 10 Lords a Whipping, 9 Candles Dripping, 8 Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps.....and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.