Lien_Geller's Story Review Thread.

[NaokoSmith]

Hullo guys!
I'm just popping back with a review of GoldenCojones' story: The Summoning. I did offer to review Halloween stories in the current competition and GC offered his up. I really, of course, meant safe sex stories for my blog, however sometimes Lien kindly lets me review a story here so I have brought this one along. (Sorry it's been a while - there was a lot going on. )

Well, the sex is so unsafe that they are actually trying to summon a succubus with it! and someone gets pregnant and several others express a keen wish to do so in the near future.

If they had had to come out shopping with me today and see the bills for shoes, books and a riding hat, they might have changed their minds Ah well, as this is a story about a coven of witches and warlocks, they might have several more babies, then they will at least be able to hand down garments to each other to save a bit of cash.

One of the comments on the story remarks that it's good to see something in the competition that actually has some sex in it, and if you are looking for sex you will be a happy (Easter) bunny. There is lots and lots and lots of it, mostly well-written although a couple of the sex scenes are sketched in hurriedly as mere preparation to the main orgiastic action.

Another big plus is that there are very few spelling and typographical errors, making for a smooth read. This is a polished tale, yet in some ways it seems like a draft which is waiting to made up into a bigger story.

Two little gripes to start with, which are really just me being a boring old feminist so GoldenCojones may laugh dismissively at them as just the sort of thing a l'il lady would say, and ignore them if he wishes. First, I was a bit surprised at the amount of power men have in this story. The main warlock Adam orders the women around and seemingly has a lot of influence over them. My understanding of witchcraft, or wicca, is that it's more women-oriented. When I think of witches I've known (some of my best friends blahblah), I can't see them putting up with such a tedious arrogant twerp. Second, there is at least twice the mention of sons as more desirable babies than daughters. Well, apart from that being a turn-off for us girls, it seems unlikely that a coven of witches would be asking for boy babies rather than girls.

The main issue with GC's story is the plot development. I know that this is just an excuse for plenty of orgiastic sex, but I can see a lot more could be made out of it.

*spoiler alert*
Storyline: a young married couple - witch and spouse - go along to an orgy, where the coven is about to use the witch-wife's magical book to raise a succubus. Spouse has previously been dismissive of his wife's 'magic' powers but has seen 'more things in heaven and earth' now and come round to her witch-y way of life (especially as a lot of it involves screwing the other nubile members of the coven in orgies). Spouse turns out to be way more magically powerful than the Main Warlock - who is a jerk anyway and thrown out of the group. They all have a lot of sex (apart from the undeserving jerk) but don't raise a succubus.

Actually, the deliberate error which means the succubus didn't get raised wasn't clear to me? I thought they followed the instructions to pleasure each other with mouths and genitals very closely!

The problem with the story is, that it doesn't have narrative development. There is no moment where we go: "Oh no, what is happening?! *sobs* Will they ever find true love? ... I mean true orgies." The two main characters: Jack and Alice are likeable and have some character. Alice's understanding of Gaelic is a nice touch. Jack is chummy and fun. Then there are suddenly too many new characters for such a short story, it's hard to keep track of them. Not that it really matters, they are all just generic coven members who can mainly be told apart by their different hair colours. The only other key character is Adam the nasty warlock. But he is so unpleasant that he isn't interesting.

GoldenCojones has got a better story in his mind, but he threw it away by having the couple married at the start of the story and telling the most dynamic parts of the tale in flashback. This would be a more interesting story if he started at the point when Alice has told Jack she is a witch, they are hoping to get married but then there is a tussle between Jack and Adam for Alice. She loves Jack, but she is a witch and must stay with the coven. Jack is trying to take on board Alice's witchcraft but unable to stomach Adam in her life.

The battle between Adam and Jack in which Jack turns out to have Major Warlock Powers would then have a lot more ooomph to it.

Although it doesn't have that narrative crescendo, the story does flow along nicely. I like the way that the sex is not just a set of quite similar sexual acts with nubile women of different hair colours and slightly smaller or larger but always pert boobs. GoldenCojones makes good use of the opportunity to show that 'there are more things in' what turns people on than Horatio might have dreamed of.

 

[GoldenCojones]

Thanks NaokoSmith

Thank you NaokoSmith. That is a wonderful review. It bothers me that I came across as a chauvinist pig in my story. I really like to believe that I'm not. But then I suppose most chauvinist pigs don't believe they are My intent in having Adam as the most powerful member of the coven was to set up the conflict between him and Jack and I didn't really think about the male vs female aspect of it. I should have.

I really appreciate you taking the time to review my story. I will use your review to help me become a better writer.

 

[NaokoSmith]

No worries, GoldenCojones

I'm always delighted to be able to give feedback the writer finds helpful - when I can find a moment in between taking Piglet shopping, digging the garden, cooking bolognese sauce, sorting out my new house, doing the day job and editing ... and writing my own stories, LOL.

I think if you want to beef up your story for women readers, there are two ways to go.

One is to look to the smaller details, like the characters wanting boys instead of girl babies. It gives us girls a warm glow when people want a girl baby - after centuries of being not thought good enough. My own brother is called First Born in Japanese - he is the bloody third in the family!!! although perhaps I should be grateful I wasn't abandoned like thousands of Chinese girl babies during the only one baby policy.

Another is to give the women characters more action - eg, can Alice not be struggling with Adam? Could it not be her who overthrows him? This doesn't always appeal to women, LOL, as many of us secretly like a good hefty male cock fight over a woman. If you look at the Mills and Boon lists, you'll see hundreds of stories about dominant men being lapped up by female readership who are probably really ball-breaking company directors in their Real Life .

I am actually reflecting rather grumpily today that I prefer a good ole fashioned gennelman who treats me with respect to some of the new cool male feminists - who talk as if they are much better feminists than mere female feminists, just as they are better at science, putting together IKEA flatpack furniture, driving and managing money At least a gennelman listens, even if afterwards he sort of smiles like 'that's real interesting, li'l lady, now I'll just hold the car door open for you'.

 

[GoldenCojones]

I'm always delighted to be able to give feedback the writer finds helpful - when I can find a moment in between taking Piglet shopping, digging the garden, cooking bolognese sauce, sorting out my new house, doing the day job and editing ... and writing my own stories, LOL.

I think if you want to beef up your story for women readers, there are two ways to go.

One is to look to the smaller details, like the characters wanting boys instead of girl babies. It gives us girls a warm glow when people want a girl baby - after centuries of being not thought good enough. My own brother is called First Born in Japanese - he is the bloody third in the family!!! although perhaps I should be grateful I wasn't abandoned like thousands of Chinese girl babies during the only one baby policy.

Another is to give the women characters more action - eg, can Alice not be struggling with Adam? Could it not be her who overthrows him? This doesn't always appeal to women, LOL, as many of us secretly like a good hefty male cock fight over a woman. If you look at the Mills and Boon lists, you'll see hundreds of stories about dominant men being lapped up by female readership who are probably really ball-breaking company directors in their Real Life .

I am actually reflecting rather grumpily today that I prefer a good ole fashioned gennelman who treats me with respect to some of the new cool male feminists - who talk as if they are much better feminists than mere female feminists, just as they are better at science, putting together IKEA flatpack furniture, driving and managing money At least a gennelman listens, even if afterwards he sort of smiles like 'that's real interesting, li'l lady, now I'll just hold the car door open for you'.

I actually like opening the car door for my wife and she has told me she likes it when I do that for her. It's not about her not being able to do it, it is more about me doing something nice for her. That said, I don't consider myself a feminist by any shot but I certainly don't think men are inherently better than women. My wife has a masters degree in nursing and is a hell of lot smarter than me. On the other hand I know how to castrate a calf and she doesn't Although I'm sure she could figure it out in a pinch

On another point, after reading your review I had to go back and re-read my story. In my defense Alice and Olivia are both happy to be having a girl. Admittedly Alice's glee with it stems from her getting a kind of passive aggressive gig in on Adam, who is definitely a male chauvinist pig and intentionally so. It is part of what I used to make him the bad guy. Although, from your review, I think I overplayed his dislikable character some. I'll have to work on that with future bad guys.

Still your points are well taken and in the future I will certainly pay more attention to the small details. I have learned so much from this review and now comes the hard part of putting your points into action. Hopefully my next story will be better.

Thank you again.

 

[Hellball]

You skipped mine. :/

 

[Lien_Geller]

Crap!

Heya, Hellball! I'm really sorry about that! I actually did look at your story and it wasn't my cup of tea. I didn't find anything to complain about, but it's a flavor of the category that's not really up my street. Hence the skipping.

BIG apologies for not letting you know sooner though. That's totally my bad. If I don't find the general gist of a story to my liking then I can't really review it. I mention that the Fetish category is a dicey area in this regard in my opening post. Still, that being said you did ask me for my thoughts and I'm sorry I kept you waiting that long.

I think I started reading Moesha The Maid late at night, realized it wasn't my thing and then moved to the next one on the list. Completely forgot to let you know.

That's just me being a colossal dumbass. Epic brain-fart. No excuses.

If anyone needs me, I shall be in the naughty corner.

Hellball, if you write something in future that's more in my wheelhouse then I'll be happy to take a look at it for you. Again, very sorry about that!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Hi Lien,

Having had one of my stories wonderfully reviewed by Naoko in her blog recently (Rope and Veil) I thought I'd throw another one to the lions (groan, bad pun, sorry...).

It's my take on what might happen in a life drawing class (but doesn't require the reader to have knowledge of artists). It gathered a nice little collection of comments....

Please, do your worst

https://literotica.com/s/the-artists-studio

 

[Hellball]

Heya, Hellball! I'm really sorry about that! I actually did look at your story and it wasn't my cup of tea. I didn't find anything to complain about, but it's a flavor of the category that's not really up my street. Hence the skipping.

BIG apologies for not letting you know sooner though. That's totally my bad. If I don't find the general gist of a story to my liking then I can't really review it. I mention that the Fetish category is a dicey area in this regard in my opening post. Still, that being said you did ask me for my thoughts and I'm sorry I kept you waiting that long.

I think I started reading Moesha The Maid late at night, realized it wasn't my thing and then moved to the next one on the list. Completely forgot to let you know.

That's just me being a colossal dumbass. Epic brain-fart. No excuses.

If anyone needs me, I shall be in the naughty corner.

Hellball, if you write something in future that's more in my wheelhouse then I'll be happy to take a look at it for you. Again, very sorry about that!

No problem. I kinda figured that was it, but I wanted to make sure.

 

[Lien_Geller]

electricblue66, your request has been logged and one of our customer service people will be with you shortly.

Also, I'm sorry I haven't replied to you yet but I shall try to get around to it in the next few days.

 

[Lien_Geller]

The Artist's Studio

Ok, so after what may or may not have been an alcohol-induced absence, let’s talk about The Artist’s Studio.

The art teacher was a tall, elegant blonde, short hair, in her mid thirties.

That’s the sentence you start us off on and it sounds a bit weird. First off, when I read it first it kind of sounds like you’re saying her hair is “elegant blonde” coloured. That doesn’t really make sense. It also has an issue with sounding like something a witness would say to a police officer to describe a suspect. It doesn’t really do a lot to characterize her in any meaningful way. Erotic writing can get away without that element of characterization to descriptive writing, and go for something purely sensual instead. This doesn’t really do either.

If it was a quick description of a secondary character then it wouldn’t be such a big issue, but this is where you should be trying to hook the reader and it’s not a very good start. Especially since you go on to say that as an art teacher she has a great passion for her work and the POV character is eager to learn from her. That works pretty well to get me invested. It’s relatable. It makes me immediately have questions that I want answering such as why she’s so passionate about her work. What does her work look like? What’s her attitude toward it and what inspires her creatively? Is she a good teacher?

I wanted to learn from her, and not only drawing. But it would only be drawing this weekend, as there were two others in the class.

First off here, don’t start a sentence with the word “but” if you can help it. Also, some of this seems slightly redundant. Saying “and not only drawing” makes me wonder what other sorts of things she does, but you don’t elaborate on that. Then you go on to say what seems to be that only drawing will be relevant. Using the word “drawing” also seems a bit vague. There’s lots of kinds of artistic styles. Maybe be a bit more specific?

Going on to essentially summarise your characters with a paragraph each feels a bit amateurish. (Ok, I know most of us here including myself are amateurs. Still, there’s no need to live up to the stereotype if we can help it! ) First off, it’s telling and not showing. Secondly, it basically stops the plot development whilst you go over each character’s appearance and back story. Ok, I get that those might be plot-relevant but reading them like that just feels very forced and torpedo’s the illusion of any forward momentum in the story. Character introductions should feel more organic, perhaps just popping up as they appear in the story or as they become relevant to the story being told. It’s much easier for a reader to digest that way as it’s easier for an author to create a voice or an association with the character that we can remember later on. Just infodumping character backgrounds one at a time like this can backfire in that the characters become difficult to remember later on.

I say this about a lot of stories but you’re a bit overindulgent with your commas. I’ve seen a lot of sentences with awkward structure that could easily be rearranged to flow better. It’s only slightly distracting with your story, but it’s something to keep an eye on.

I’m about a third of the way in now and I’m noticing that your character has a bit of a problem with being a “watcher”. This isn’t a bad thing in itself, since some people are just like that if they’re shy or whatever. It’s just that when a character is writing in the first person and the protagonist is a watcher, it leads to issues in dealing with effective characterisation.

The first of these issues is that the watcher is seldom watched. This is a slight issue with general first person narration since it’s difficult to get the protagonist to talk about himself without them feeling self-centred. This is especially the case when it comes to appearance. Unfortunately, the protagonist is usually the most important character in the story and the reader needs to know shit about them. I’m speaking generally here, and I know there are probably exceptions to this “rule” but your story isn’t one of them. Your guy talks a lot about others but I don’t feel I know much about him. There’s the way he talks about his art, which is a good start, but it doesn’t do much to inform me about his character. Why is he trying to be an artist? What’s interesting about it to him? It kind of sounds from what I’ve read so far that he’s just in it for the boobs.

The second issue with watchers is that they seldom properly interact with others in the story, especially in the beginning. Again, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but direct character interaction is one of the best ways to introduce characters to a story. Watchers don’t tend to do this so much. They just sit an observe outward things and share their thoughts on characters from past observations. This makes it difficult for readers to directly invest in those characters, because it’s kind of like it’s being viewed through plate glass.

Moving on, I see you saying things like: “Her presence took over the room” and: “She seemed overwhelmed by this small, vibrant woman.”

That’s telling and not showing. Again. What is it about her presence that takes over the room? That’s not a small thing to say. I don’t know many people in real life who I can say this about. It’s a rare trait to be so magnetic or formidable that your presence takes over a room. Also, to be overwhelmed by a person just smacks of the melodramatic. Again, I’m seeing nothing of the actual interaction or any indication of why this woman is so awesome. She’s small, curvy, and cheerful. Doesn’t mind getting naked. This is what you’ve actually conveyed to me about her. She might be a nice person, but I see no indication of why she might have these staggering effects on people.

Then there’s the drawing itself and I’m sorry but it just doesn’t work for me. I can see what you’re trying to do here, but because your character isn’t very deep and I don’t know where he gets his passion for his work it becomes mechanical rather than sensual. I’m seeing the parts getting spun about, but don’t know where it’s going.

The rather unusual twist of having him somehow being able to touch her through his drawing is a little bit out of the left field too. I don’t know if I’ve missed the cues here but if there’s going to be such an obvious supernatural element to the story then it could do with a little bit of set-up.

In other news, don’t start sentences with “and”. It bugs the hell outta me. I’m considering adding that to the list of stuff in stories I won’t review. Graaaah!

Overall, this is a fairly interesting twist on a classic concept. I think you have issues with your writing style that need to be addressed. Less commas, better flow, smoother sentence structure. It’s not a huge issue, but it’s noticeable. Also, you have a bit of a melodramatic style to the point where your characters sometimes talk like bad Shakespearean characters whilst at the height of arousal. I think you push that a little too far. The characters themselves also seem slightly shallow since the story is more focused on the experience. It might have been better to just cut out the other characters and leave them as faceless extras. Main guy and Sophia were the only essential parts to this piece for me. Even then I don’t feel like I know much about them or that I could properly have a conversation with them in my head. That’s usually the litmus test for me for a good character. Can I imagine them walking off the page, sitting down in front of me, and have a conversation with them? I didn’t feel like I could here.

Anyways, its still an interesting attempt at something new. I’ve been critical with you here, but it’s not a train wreck by any stretch of the imagination. The writing needs smoothing out and characters need deepening but it’s perfectly serviceable for what it is. Also, nothing really turned me on about it, but there weren’t any turn offs either. It just wasn’t really up my street. Just mentioning that because it’s more difficult to find positive things to say about stuff like that. If an erotic story doesn’t turn you on then it’s difficult to look at it as a success, but it’s obviously not up to you to manage my turn ons and turn offs. So don’t take this as too scathing, since I’m sure a lot of people will love it or have already done so.

 

[storm_usmc]

Hell, I'm game.
https://www.literotica.com/s/a-very-naughty-marine
https://www.literotica.com/s/her-marine-bodyguard
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-bet-ch-01-12
Any one of these three or all is fine. My other stories are much older and hastily written, I can see the problems with them easily. I consider these three my better ones.
The Naughty Marine is a little hasty, needs more fleshing out, so to speak. I tried to cram too much into too few pages.
The Marine Bodyguard is one of my best and pretty complete.
The Bet is good, but definitely needs a sequel, which I admit to being kind of stuck on. So any ideas I may consider.
I tend to lean toward exhibitionism, casual friendly flashing/ nudity, light bondage and playful banter.
Hit me with your best shot.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Ok, so after what may or may not have been an alcohol-induced absence, let’s talk about The Artist’s Studio.

Lien,

Thanks for this review, you've given me really good insights into the way a reader reads a story. As a writer, it's always hard to get that distance from a piece of work. I know what I'm writing but I don't know how it's being read. Your comments as a critical reader / editor are thought provoking, extremely useful.

You've pulled me up on the same stylistic issues as Naoko. Fair calls, from both of you. Whilst my style has been described as laconic, it could also be lazy. I need to find a better balance between my self-indulgence and over-writing vs the long haul of editing, tightening and re-writing. The first is easy: when I get into a zone, the words just flow. The second is much harder, because each word, once written, becomes precious. I probably need to put the first drafts away for a while before I edit (or use a separate editor), so I'm reading it with fresh eyes. But if I do that, it will probably never see the light of day, because I'll go super critical. Maybe that's a good thing, if the words remain hidden away. But what's the point of writing them, if they never get read? (I know, never start a sentence with "But"....)

Your observations about a watcher telling, and thin characterisation are noted. When a couple of readers say the same thing about my writing, I need to pay attention! Reading the story now, I'm still not sure who it's about. I think it was meant to be about the art itself, getting a life of its own.

Your time taken to review the story is hugely appreciated - sorry it didn't float your boat to make it worth your while, but hey, I don't know you (nor your kinks)

Cheers EB

 

[Lien_Geller]

Her Marine Bodyguard.

Here’s Her Marine Bodyguard by storm_usmc. Full disclosure: It’s early. I’m tired. I haven’t had nearly enough coffee yet to counteract my natural scathing British cynicism. Deal with it.

Ugh, what better way to jump into a scintillating tale of (I presume) eroticism in the military than with a ginormous glossary of terms! Yeeey! You see, I like many other people, don't particularly like to spend my leisure time reading stories that I have to fucking study for! If you really think you need a glossary then I would suggest you make a note at the start of the story that there’s a glossary at the end if people need it and plonk it there instead. Whilst I’m ranting at you here, I’m not exactly sure what the hell some of your definitions even mean.

Gunz or Gunny= Slang for Gunnery Sergeant, this is the 7th rank on enlisted side.

What the hell does “enlisted side” mean? I have no clue. Is there a non-enlisted side? Like a presumably civilian part of the military? Is it a distinction between officer and non-officer class? I have no idea. I mean, if you’re going to have a glossary then at least make sure it clears things up rather than makes me more confused. I shouldn’t need to do background research here, y’know?

This also sent up a giant red flag for me in your introduction:

Also, some parts may not make sense as you read them, KEEP READING, I tend to clear it up in future scenes.

I don’t think you quite understand the reader/author dynamic. If parts of your story outright don’t make fucking sense, then you’re supposed to make them make fucking sense! I read that and I hear “I’m shit at plotting, meh, whatever”. If you’re uncertain whether or not your story works properly then get an editor to help you out. If you know that it’s difficult to understand and comprehend what you’ve written then that ball is still in your court. Don’t punt it off to the reader and make excuses for yourself. Fix it.

Right, well after you brought my piss to a boil with that introductory note, you actually start off quite well. It’s just a couple of lines that are short, to the point, and get across almost everything good opening lines should. I want to know what he’s angry about. I want to know why the man he’s facing doesn’t care. I want to know more about the situation. I want to keep reading. Well done.

You also jump almost right into a dialogue. I like that. It’s a good way to establish your character’s voice right off the bat. He’s also doing something pretty noble too, which helps to put the reader in his corner. Although I did notice one slight issue when you say:

He'd been up for three days and while he loved me most of the time, I could tell I was getting on his last nerve.

The word “loved” there is a bit weird for me. It’s a rather intense word to introduce so early in a story. Particularly one on a site focused on folks getting frisky. I’d say “respected” or something like that. It might work once I know more about the characters and the context but there it just kind of comes out of nowhere. It’s minor, but I thought I’d mention it.

In other news, check out this train-wreck of a sentence!

Anger would do me no good here, clearing my throat I told."

Here’s what I think you’re trying to do with that.

Anger would do me no good here. Clearing my throat, I said:

I’m pretty sure that’s how to format that in that context, but I’d bow to any editors who want to chime in. It’s pretty clear that you’re going from one distinct thought to another. From dealing with the anger to preparing to speak. So that’s a full-stop rather than a comma. Also, where did the word “told” come from? It seems very strange in that context. Finally, you finish the sentence with some random speech marks. I figured that was just a misplaced line break but you open the speech marks again with the next line of dialogue. I don’t know if you self-edit your work at all, but this makes me think you don’t do it enough.

I was slightly annoyed at how fast I was breathing, three weeks ago I had been too close to an RPG that exploded during a firefight and had bent sent flying to smash through a brick wall of a hut.

There’s another example of two distinct sentences being glued together awkwardly with a comma. Also, check what I presume is your auto-correct getting out of hand with the “bent sent” line.

Without any chance to exercise I could practically feel my muscles weakening, I needed to get back into the gym and do some cardio and lifting before I would be back in top shape.

There’s another , that should probably be a .

These are not the only instances I’ve found of this in your story. There are quite a few more that I’m not going to mention since that would require me going into full-time editing duty. Spend some time learning what commas and full stops are for.

After watching her complete a set I scanned the gym more thoroughly, not seeing Sgt. Mendes I walked over to the female.

"Hey, you seen a Sgt. Mendes here by any chance, I need to find him."

Some of that is redundant. You could have simply done this:

After watching her complete a set I scanned the gym more thoroughly before walking over to the female.

“Hey, you seen a Sgt. Mendes here by any chance? I need to find him.”

Firstly, learn where question marks go. Secondly, the dialogue informs the reader that he clearly doesn't think Mendes is in the room so you don’t need to say that in the narrative.

"As long as he's not an idiot I can help him, and if he is an idiot, then I just need to make sure that he doesn't... get somebody... else killed to."

That literally made me cringe to read it.

“As long as he’s not an idiot I can help him. If he is and idiot? I guess I just need to make sure he doesn’t get somebody else killed or maybe…”

That’s all you really need there. Don’t get too trigger happy with ellipsis because they stall story flow like crazy. The “to” on the end there again just smacks of poor editing since it’s presumably meant to be “too”. One or two mistakes like these are forgivable but you’re making shed-loads here. It’s getting to the point where I just think you can’t be bothered, and if you don’t care then why should I? This isn’t school where teachers have to sit through your whole paper and try to give some positive encouragement. If you can’t be arsed with this stuff then most readers here will just click away to a new story. It’s not like they’re in short supply.

"Wow, I'm impressed, I don't think I've ever even heard of a gunnery sergeant apologizing to a sergeant. Not to mention one doing it and so openly admitting his faults." Pausing... she rolled her eyes "I may have overreacted just a bit, since you didn't actually call me stupid, you just implied I could be. I can be a little hotheaded sometimes, my last boyfriend called it feisty... but sometimes it's hard to be taken seriously were you're a girl and pretty."

Alrighty then, let’s just go ahead and start off by bazookaing those unnecessary ellipsis in there. Yes, I just invented a word there. Bazookaing: To violently remove poor grammatical choices with propelled explosives.

This paragraph also feels slightly like you’re possessing your character to explain character interactions in the most basic way possible.

“My name is Jim, I like Laura because she is nice and makes me laugh. We don’t enjoy cake, but we met at a bakery buying cake for our colleagues. It was very ironic and funny. I am very stubborn. Laura subverted my expectations with her sense of humour. I liked this because sometimes it is difficult to meet girls who can see past my awkward exterior.”

That kind of thing is not something you want showing up in a story about the meeting of Laura and Jim. It’s dialogue, so it’s literally telling and not showing. You don’t need to be so blatant in your explanations of your characters motivations. In that paragraph you wrote, a lot of it felt kind of shoehorned in there. Most of it I guessed already. So it just didn’t work. It’s a shame too because that initial meeting was quite good. I like characters meeting through funny misunderstandings, and if you’d been a bit more subtle about it then it could have really hit home.

On a smaller note I notice that you tend to use capital letters to emphasise words. Try using italics instead. Block capitals tend to make people think that characters are shouting very loudly. So when you have stuff like:

"Yes damnit, we're friends ERIKA,"

It kind of seems like he’s screaming her name in her face.

That being said, here’s something I quite like about your story. A lot of new writers are often terrified of dialogue. You dive right in there and you fare pretty well with it. As I’ve mentioned before it’s not all rainbows and moonbeams, but you do create a good natural flow of conversation. Sometimes the language gets a bit too oddly formal for two army grunts having a casual conversation, but overall it works really well. There’s also a natural element of humour that you show in your dialogue that’s great. You just seem like you aren’t really confident enough with it to really let it shine like it could. I’m not saying you’ve completely nailed it here, because it needs more work. That said, I’ve read and reviewed a lot of stories on here where new authors run into a lot of trouble handling dialogue and I wish they’d made the same start with it that you have here.

Whilst I’m dishing out compliments in an entirely un-characteristic fashion (the coffee must finally be kicking in) I’ll also say that overall you do a fair job with descriptive writing. Again, it’s not flawless by any means but you do succeed in creating a very believable atmosphere of the military base. I like that your description of characters goes beyond the basics too and you delve a little more into the sensual. It’d be nice to see some more characterisation in there, and I generally find it tacky to mention a female characters bra size. Still, it’s a good start.

Now back to viciously mauling your writing style! Woot!

Snorting, "That is as close to a dumb question as I've ever heard, I loved them and now that comment makes sense, when you said 'already been done' on that KLE mission."

Again, too many commas and not enough full stops. Also, this is kind of what I’m talking about when I mentioned your dialogue sometimes sounding a little too formal for a couple of marines talking. (Though it's certainly not the most glaring example.) Finally, it kind of feels like you’ve just had him say that to remind me that she’d said it before. That was a few paragraphs earlier. I didn’t forget about it. This isn’t War and Peace you’re writing here and I don’t have the memory of a goldfish that I need to be reminded of what happens a few paragraphs earlier.

Ooookay then, there’s a part of your story where you switch characters and switch from first to third person. That’s weird. Generally I wouldn’t shift perspective from first to third like that. If you want to switch characters then write from the first person from the different character’s perspective. Otherwise it kind of feels like I’m reading a different story. It’s only one part too, so it might have been better to just have cut it and rather focus on him discovering what she’d written in the morning.

The sex was pretty great by the way. The teasing was fantastic. I’m speaking here in terms of the ideas, since your writing still needed a spit and polish. That being said, it’s clear you know how to steam up a room. Nicely done.

Going back over the whole thing, it’s a pretty good story. It’s not exactly fantastic to read it though. You have some glaring issues as a writer that need to be addressed if you want your work to develop the legs it needs to stand with your ideas. As a storyteller though? You’ve got some pretty great stuff here. The problem is that the issues I’ve mentioned take a story that could have been great and make it decent.

Part of the reason I’ve been so hard on you here is because it’s clear you have a lot of potential and some good instincts. I think that you’ve kind of reached the crest of a wave in a way. The learning experience has felt like that a lot for me. It still does. Just when you get a handle on things and improve the problems you had before, you start seeing a whole bunch of new problems. At first these issues aren’t very big, and they can be easy to fix. Then after a while you start seeing bigger problems that need things like proper editing and revision in order to sort out. I’ve had moments where I’ve had to go back to basics a lot. Think I’ve been harsh on you here?

”Hi there.” He said.

Shit like that is pretty prevalent in my earlier work because apparently I forgot about that day in English in high school where they taught us to write dialogue. Having it pointed out to me was a bit of a blow because, well, duh!.

Learning to write well can be a tough slog. I get the feeling from the way you write that you know you’re on a crest, and you’re comfortable there. I get the feeling that you’re a bit hesitant to take that plunge into proper self-editing and going back to tighten up the basics properly. It’s not exactly the glamorous side of storytelling and a lot of people find it to be a pain in the ass.

I also get the feeling that you might have written this out on a mobile phone or a tablet device. I don’t really see a problem with that for the initial stages of getting a working first draft out there. In fact, I think it’s helpful to have a convenient device to write on whenever you’re feeling creative. It’s just that I’d really recommend sitting down at a proper computer or laptop to work through your editing passes.

I know that some editors on Lit are really patient with this sort of thing too, and can help you work on what you need to get better. So maybe ask around.

So definitely don’t read this as a condemnation of your stuff. If I thought you just weren’t worth it I wouldn’t spend nearly this much time talking about your work. You’ve got the right stuff. I just think you need to stop riding your wave and dive deeper. Start looking at online writing resources about techniques of storytelling, start looking at the technical side of writing more. Fix the silly mistakes, smooth out your style, think about what’s important to the reader, and I really think you’ll pull a hell of a lot more readers and 5* ratings than you are.

Oh, and after reading the whole thing I do think the glossary was largely unnecessary. There weren't many terms used in the story where I couldn't derive their meaning from context. The ones were I stumbled a little weren't so essential to the story that I felt the need to look them up.

 

[Gorza]

I was interested in Her Marine Bodyguard as I have a military story in preparation. It's my first GM tale and about French foreign legionnaires. The military has lots of jargon, so it is difficult to deal with (even moreso if it's French military jargon). Obviously, a glossary at the beginning of the story doesn't go down well. These bits of jargon can give flavour to the story, but they need to be used lightly and with as little explanation as possible.

 

[LaRascasse]

After a loooong hiatus, I have another story to review. This story is much lighter than what I used to write till Jan. Whoever feels so inclined, please dig in and let me know what you think.

https://www.literotica.com/s/dreams-i-cannot-dream-ch-01

 

[Lien_Geller]

Welcome back!

Hey, LaRasscasse! Happy to take a look at your story for you but I'm a bit busy at the moment cramming in trying to get a competition entry out for the Winter Holidays competition! Probably won't make the deadline now but that's not gonna stop me from trying. So I probably won't get to look at your story this week, but if I don't post up your by the time the deadline has passed then just give me a nudge. I'll definitely get to it. Looking forward to seeing what you've got for me this time!

 

[NaokoSmith]

After a loooong hiatus, I have another story to review. This story is much lighter than what I used to write till Jan. Whoever feels so inclined, please dig in and let me know what you think.

https://www.literotica.com/s/dreams-i-cannot-dream-ch-01

Well, as it was Black Friday last Friday, how about a BOGOF (Buy One Get One Free)? While Lien mulls over the vicious critique I just ladled over his new Winter Holiday story, I will have a little go at your new story, then he can get back onto it too in the week.

There was a brief period when your writing seemed to be slipping. You turned out some stories that were definitely dull. But this is coming back in serious style. It looks like Chapter 1 of a series that might have all the bite that the sadly unfinished Katrina epic had, with a much more mature take.

LaRascasse, you always had a brilliant touch with characterisation and here you are showing you have learnt to polish your characters' facets. The mean and moody, sexploitation, have been your playground for more years than they ought to have been. While Katrina sometimes ended up in situations that were more like a parody of a soap opera than serious drama, her story was hugely popular. Here, you seem to have a more realistic take on ways in which people exploit each other and may deservedly get an even better fan following in consequence. All the characters are very strong, although I will give a particular shout to the Jeannie-Jason sister-brother relationship, which is much better than other ones you have played at depicting in the past. Jeannie is great.

Maturity is not only evident in better grasp of what people will do and why, plus being willing to give every multi-facetted character a bad side rather than have a couple of whimsical goody two-shoes and a couple of total low-lifes interacting to make up dynamism of characterisation. This is a more assured story, in which you display excellent background writing of a kind you mostly used to devote to a lovingly detailed description of fast cars. The account of how startup online businesses operate is excellent (of course), and descriptions of commuting or of political scandals are as good as the ride on the Hayabusa. (And you avoid talking about wine in the restaurant scene - good call! )

Generally your writing is very strong, *spoiler alert!* I liked the start, and I particularly loved the line: For what felt like the span between The Big Bang and the first cat video to be uploaded on YouTube

There are a lot of irritating minor copy editing errors, considering this is a story that has had two editors look it over. But that's a very small point. Another small point is that you could make more out of the final sex in the office scene, rather than tail off on a light joke about not sorting out the bug in the system after all. Really hot it up with plenty of vivid description. You had about five paragraphs: most of it dialogue about whether people are sure they want to do it. I would suggest about ten, all of it description of which desk they did it on, what it felt like, how the chair she put her feet up on scooted away from her across the floor ... etc etc.

There is the promise of considerable menace hooking us in to what sounds like it's going to be a ride as thrilling as taking the Hayabusa through the Andes. I especially like the way you hint at Jason's experience of bullying at school, providing good reason why he might be vulnerable to being suckered by the egotistic Prom Queen ... if that's what's going to happen ... dun dun DUNNNN! LOL.

Five stars, Scorpion Fish

 

[LaRascasse]

Thanks, Naoko. Perhaps because of the long time since my last literary effort (if it can be called that), I decided to try something new. A whimsical romance seemed as far outside my comfort zone as anything.

I actually learned a few things on this site such as a catchy opening and investing time in developing characters and relationships. I've implemented some of these here and have some more lined up for chapter 2.

Overall, the main thing I was going for was to contrast the bleakness of my MC's tragedy with the lightness of the rest of the story. A brave experiment, but maybe one that could do with some refining.

 

[storm_usmc]

Hola me amigo

Apparently someone got butt hurt that I hadn't replied to your post on this thread. They did not know that you and I had been talking already via PM. They also don't know that I was in Cancun for a week living out one of these stories right after I posted to your thread. So here is a reply that let's everyone know that I thank you profusely for your response to my story. (No, that is not being sarcastic to all you idiots out there. I really am grateful for his advice and time he took to read/ write.) So hopefully whatever anonymous idiot that wrote me will see this and think "Whoops, guess I'm a dumbass."

Here’s Her Marine Bodyguard by storm_usmc. Full disclosure: It’s early. I’m tired. I haven’t had nearly enough coffee yet to counteract my natural scathing British cynicism. Deal with it.

 

[Lien_Geller]

Yikes!

Yeah, I sent storm_usmc a PM a while ago and he was nice enough to respond. I like to get a response from any author who asks for a review just to make sure I haven't gone overboard in the criticism. I have a standing offer to remove any reviews that author's don't like or don't agree with at all. Was worried that I'd gone too far with storm_usmc. Especially since he seemed new to the forums and I didn't want to put him off.

Guy was just on vacation. He was totally cool with everything. Asked me to help out with ideas for another story that I haven't been able to get back to him on yet because I'm desperately trying to get a Winter Holidays Competition entry in before the deadline right now. (Sorry dude! Will hopefully get around to reading that eventually!)

So yeah, if anyone's being a dick in that situation it's me, not him. Also, though it's nice to know I have followers on this thread that care, please don't go hassling the authors that ask for reviews here on my behalf. I don't do this for praise, and I'm more than capable of my own hassling. Thanks!

 

[JackLuis]

Lien Geller:

I hesitated to ask, because of a lot of reasons, but would you take a look at my Spreading Seeds Saga 1?

It is a reedited version of my first story I put up on Lit. The original scored pretty well considering it was self edited, but the errors in it got to me and so I re-edited it and folded six chapters in to one Saga. It is pretty long for a lit story, but I thought that the story chapters broke the readers concentration.

It is a pretty straight herto-ish sexual tale told in first person set in 2367 AD Northern New Mexico. I wanted to see if I could write first person immediate and I think it worked for this story.

It was written in serial form, each chapter was to be like a TV episode, so the Saga is like a mini-binge watch. There are seven Sagas all tolled and I'm sure you don't have the time to spend reading all seven, but if you could comment on Saga #1 I'd really appreciate it.

Jack

 

[Lien_Geller]

Dreams I Cannot Dream Ch. 01

Once again I get an idea for a competition entry at the 11th hour. Once again I fail miserably to pass the deadline. Oh well! Let’s instead take a look at what LaRascasse has for me with Dreams I Cannot Dream Ch.01.

I’m looking forward to this, LaRascasse apparently not trying to depress the living hell out of me for once and giving me something lighter and more upbeat! Alright, let’s get to it then and see what cheery opening we get!

One hundred and sixty-six days.

That was how long I had been dying but not yet dead.

God dammit.

But seriously folks, your opening paragraph does feel slightly off to me. On the bright side, I do like the shift in tone you’re trying to create from dreary and depressing to getting happily laid. It’s a good twist, and I like stuff like that cuz it really does make me want to keep reading to see what the hell’s going on. It’s also diving right into the action, which is a good way to start out any story.

I think my problem is slight and it’s in your word composition and what feels like a change in tense.

That was how long I had been dying but not yet dead. My eyes kept seeing, my ears kept hearing and my heart kept up its futile rhythm of pumping blood to all parts of my body. At that moment, much of that blood was required in maintaining my rigid erection which a lovely lady had straddled.

It’s that last sentence that lets it down for me. For the entire thing so far we’ve been there in the moment with your guy, and the last two words go past tense on us. It kind of ends the sentence with a memory rather than a bang. Rather than telling us that she had straddled him, stay in the moment and tell us what she’s doing?

Overall, it’s a fairly depressing introduction which I’m not directly opposed to. It’s just that it takes that initial twist of energy and sexiness and immediately deflates it to nothing. I understand you’re probably laying groundwork here, but the opening of a story is usually where you build energy and interest in the reader. This didn’t do that for me. Though I fully admit that I might be bringing some baggage along from reading your past stories which I thought were often overly melodramatic and rather unnecessarily depressing.

"Don't you have anything better to do?" I asked exasperatedly over the call.

That could do with tightening up. First off, the “over the call” part is redundant since you explained he reached for the phone in the previous paragraph. Also, “exasperatedly” isn’t something I’d really go for either though I’ll forgive you for it. With stuff like this you should probably convey exasperation via explaining his tone or volume in his voice. I think it puts the reader more into the moment.

"You know it's what Lucy would have wanted. It would hurt her so much to see you right now."

"Yeah, real classy, Jeannie... bringing Lucy up as an emotional punchline."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay, I was just messing with you," I laughed.

That just comes off as alarmingly weird to me. It’s like you’re trying to set up the loss of Lucy as a pillar for the character’s current motivation. Then he completely casts that aside and laughs like it’s nothing? Kinda makes him come across as a bit of a psychopath there.

In the ensuing paragraphs as your character continues on with his mope through life he kind of comes off as a bit of a shit. He treats young professionals who are obviously putting their dreams in his hands like “5 year olds” and doesn’t seem to properly listen to them. Then he acts like he’s god’s gift to the world of start-up businesses and someone comes up to him and asks him to sign something? The only remotely positive trait I found was that he’d given most of his fortune to charity. Other than that he’s kind of dull and depressing to the point where he’s repellent. I get that you’re trying to set up that he’s depressed and the reason why, but I was there about fifteen paragraphs ago and you just keep going.

Then he meets the lawyer lady and not only do I not particularly like her or her attitude but his immediate and intense attraction to her also kind of makes all the work you’ve done to form his state of mind seem almost irrelevant.

I’ve just finished the first page and I think that one of the biggest issues here is that I still don’t know much about Lucy. I’ve talked about this in past reviews, but if you want to make this kind of thing such an important foundation of a character’s motivation then the reader needs to understand why that is. You need to show me who Lucy was and why that relationship was so positive that he’s feeling like this now. Otherwise the entire story feels like a reaction to something I don’t know about.

Sidenote: I also personally find the world of big business to be fiercely boring. That’s totally a personal gripe, but I thought I’d mention it at this point because I’m being hard on you. A big part of my negativity could be that the setting isn’t doing much for me.

Getting back to it, there’s the melodramatic overreaction of him visiting Amanda in her office. I just don’t see why he’s throwing words like restraining order around, or why she was being such an arse to him. If I saw the name of someone I went to school with whilst passing through a high-powered office after becoming a millionaire then I’d probably drop in on them just to say hi. Likewise if someone did that to me, I’d probably happily receive them just to shake their hand and shoot the shit about the old days. It’s not all that uncommon for shit like this to happen. I’ve seen old mates from school that I haven’t seen in decades and gone up and said hello to them and it’s been fine. What’s the big fucking deal!?

After they meet up for a conversation that seemed to make an awkward u-turn in the direction of their relationship, we get an aside with Jeannie.

I don’t know what you’re trying to do here but it comes across as a random interlude of preaching about politics and business from a soap-box. Eventually you do get back to the point and it’s once again off-putting. “Hey, my brother has met someone after his horrible experience in losing someone that’s actually getting him to show some enthusiasm in dating again! Quick! Better immediately sabotage all hope in his mind and start badgering this woman with private investigators!” I mean, did you want me to like Jeannie? This is not how to go about it!

This is followed up with more wallowing, more self pity, more melodrama. Again it all means nothing at all to me because you haven’t shown me why what he’s lost is so important to him. I’m getting all the bad reaction without any of the good that presumably came before it.

I did like the part where he went back to the office and told everyone there to be with their families. That actually worked for me because you properly set up his motivation for it in overworking himself when he should have been with Lucy.

Unfortunately he then shirks off that responsibility to go get laid. The one time in the whole story when you do something that makes me actually like this dude and then he screws over the people who have trusted him.

AAAAAAAAARGH!

Well, that was an interesting read on your idea of something of a lighter story. I’m certainly balder for reading it.

Look, the reviews I put out on this thread are just my opinion and aren’t backed up by anything more than that. I don’t claim to be all-knowing and I’m still learning a lot about writing. That being said, this isn’t the first time you’ve asked for my opinion and after reading this I feel that it’s largely falling on deaf ears.

1: I say cut out the melodrama? Not really any sign of that in this story. It’s got melodrama coming out of it’s ears.

2: I say balance out the grief by showing the good to give the grief impact? Nope. I read all this from start to finish and I still have no fucking clue who Lucy is and why she meant so much to him that he acts the way he does. Amanda could have been a light in the darkness, but instead his interactions with her run the line from nasty to off-puttingly awkward.

3: I say stop preaching at me? To your credit you didn’t do this as badly as before but the initial section between him and Jeannie felt a lot like this.

I’ve clearly stated that I don’t like these things (although some people evidently do) and yet you keep asking me to review your stuff expecting a different result with the same issues. So once again, as I so succinctly put it before:

AAAAAAAAARGH!

Right then, just let me look over NaokoSmith’s review up there and I’ll see if I’ve got anything to add to it.

Yeah, I definitely agree that you could have made more of that final sex scene after the long slog it took us to get there. There was a lot of build-up there and very little payoff. I understand that this is a first chapter so presumably there’ll be more sex down the line but I did feel a bit cheated there.

I’ll also leave you with a few positive points. First off, in the past your characters have sometimes started to sound like robots. I didn’t see that issue here, and pretty much all the dialogue really felt like it was people talking. That’s not easy to pull off, and although there’s always room for improvement I did find it impressive.

The narration was also generally good enough to allow for the proper degree of immersion. Again, there’s still room for improvement. That being said, I didn’t generally feel completely shunted out of the story at any point as I tried to make sense of the words. That’s incredibly important. Moreso, in the past I have criticized you for the use of words that felt oddly out of place in the text. Stuff that’s usually attributed to a writer who wants to show off, or is overly-fond of his Thesaurus. Again, I didn’t come across anything like that in this. Nicely done!

I'll just finish by saying that I'll be happy to review stuff for you in the future, but if I see overly-large traces of the three issues I mentioned up there then I'm just going to stop. If you want to keep writing in that way then shine on you crazy diamond, but it really isn't my cup of tea. Contrary to popular belief, I don't love tearing into people on this thread, so unless you give me something different then I'll just leave it to NaokoSmith. Oh, and since this wasn't really a nice review just gimme a ping if you'd like it taken down!

P.S. At least when all is said and done, unlike myself it seems like you can actually fucking finish something.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Hey Lien! I'm popping in to question one point in your critique of LaRascasse's story.

I too used to groan and moan and tell him to cut the melodrama. He is a talented writer and it annoyed me that he seemed to be wasting it on outrageous scenes like the impossible life of Katrina.

But ... the readers loved it! They ate it up. So I figured that there is room in the literary canon, certainly in the literotic canon which is not quite as up its own arse (well, only in a good way) as the poetic canon, for both serious realist writing and melodrama. Melodrama might also offer character development and opportunity to reflect on emotional truths. (I mean, think of Shakespeare! Is it likely that two teenagers will fall crazily in love, then each commit suicide because they think the other one has died?)

I don't think we were meant to like the lawyer lady. I think we are supposed to feel unsure about her, but gradually she seemed to me to be turning out to be a b!tch who would make the hero's life a lot harder (again, not necessarily in a good way!). The turning point is surely when she kicks over that row of Harleys, then you suddenly know she's going to be Trouble. And you want to know how, and how many people die before the ending. Dun dun dunnnn! LOL

BTW, so sorry to hear the winter story didn't make it to the finishing line

 

[Lien_Geller]

Yeah, it's not so much that I'm against melodrama as a rule. (I actually quite like Jane the Virgin and that's full of it!) It's more the melodrama combined with the 2nd point of SHITLOADS of melodrama with nothing at all to anchor it to.

Ok, he's depressed. I can get with that. He's lost his wife (was it a wife? girlfriend maybe?) and that's bad. To a degree I can still chug along there. Then he goes on and on about it for a full Literotica page in which every other line is somehow drawn back to his loss. His depression. Everything he does is tainted by it. It's mentioned over and over again.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I've dealt with mild depression myself and I know how it can feel that way, but it's not all that interesting for me to read about. Especially with virtually no light at the end of the tunnel and no real knowledge of the relationship he's so upset over losing.

I think that if you do that then the reader needs more information as to just why this is hitting him so hard. Just that "it was his wife and he loved her" doesn't cut it. I need some memory of why that relationship was so good that now he feels this bad about it. I don't need him to go on for pages and pages about it but just give me something believable that invests me in that relationship so I can relate to all this dreary melodrama.

You gave the example of Romeo and Juliet as a place to find good melodrama. You're certainly not wrong. Still, in that story we get to see the relationship emerge. We see Mercutio's sacrifice. We see the antagonism between the families. We are shown that if these two are somehow allowed to be together and their families somehow overcome their differences then that would be an overwhelmingly positive thing not just for them but for their city too. We see them both together. We're invested in their relationship. That's why it's so tragic when a simple misunderstanding and poor timing results in both their deaths. We've been shown just how good these two could be together. If, on the other hand, it had begun with them both dying like they do it would probably seem more like an absurd black comedy.

I'm not saying all characters have to be likable, but we do need to be able to invest ourselves in their motivations. Having someone wallowing over something I don't know bupkiss about just doesn't accomplish that very well. I clearly didn't remotely feel invested in Jason, so I sort of went looking for another place in the story to be invested in. Jeannie? Nope. Gratingly unlikable and an annoyance to the plot. Amanda? Again, nope. Don't know much about her and what I do see doesn't make me interested in what she's up to.

So yeah, thanks for getting me to clarify here if I wasn't so clear before. Melodrama isn't really the word. It's more the feeling of reading about a tremendous outpouring of emotion that I feel I'm supposed to be invested in. Except I can't invest in all that emotion without knowing more about what caused it. Otherwise it just feels meaningless to me. If it was a smaller element of the story then I might be able to overlook it, but because it's restated nearly all the time it becomes grating.

Anyhoo, thanks for the consolation of me not getting the story out on time ^_^. I think I will still try to get it out before Christmas though!

 

[NaokoSmith]

Having been privileged to see an early start to the winter story, I hope you do get it out! I'm sure it will be deservedly popular.

I think the thing with the loss of the wife/girlfriend is that it's not real in itself. It's a trope. Ah: the most poignant of bereavements, loss of a partner. We can take it for granted that she was just perfect and wonderful. In fact it's better if she isn't described in detail, as if she were we might find a trait in her which we personally are not that keen on.

The bereavement stands for our unhappiness about other things: loss of life which we sacrifice to work. (If we do a job we don't like.) Jason's main point is that he didn't spend time with his wife, instead he spent time building up his business and making a wad of cash. When he lost her, that became meaningless. Maybe it's a hackneyed sentiment, but in this day and age it may be worth re-stating. People read the story and think: 'God, I should phone my mum. I ought to spend more time with my sister and her kids, screw the manager who is making my life difficult. It's not all about work.'

It also allows us to wallow in emotion. I know there are readers who really love it, and LaRascasse is good at serving it up in spades. We could sit up above them and laugh at them for being so banal and populist ... buy hey, they are the people. Maybe too, there is something meaningful being conveyed underneath the story.

I don't like Amanda. But I quite like the frisson of unease I get about her. I like being unsure whether she is going to turn out to be Jason's saving Angel (I feel this is unlikely!) or totally screw him over. And I know it's reprehensible, but I am going to get a gory thrill out of reading it if he does get totally screwed over.

I think this links to the distinction between high literature and popular culture. For quite a while critics like Leavis claimed that only superior (upper class) writing was worthwhile. Leavis even said there are only FOUR novelists who are any good! (Austen, Eliot, Henry James and ... I forget the fourth one.) However Marxist critics like Raymond Williams and Richard Hoggart re-claimed trash-y popular songs, films and writing. They showed how much social meaning is embedded in stuff which is not 'well-written' according to the upper class rules of literacy.

Sorry ... I am getting a bit over-excited here! So much love to go on about this stuff, LOL. Currently teaching a module that is mainly economics, which is interesting. However I do like to blurble on about poetry, LOL. (I am poorly paid, but love my work .)