Lien_Geller's Story Review Thread.

[Lien_Geller]

Asbel uses APOLOGY FOR MISUNDERSTANDING. It's super effective!

Totally cool! No problems. Two of my closest and oldest friends happen to be gay, and I know many more awesome folks who are so-inclined, so taking what you said the wrong way kinda made me see red. Thanks for the clarification. Sorry you're struggling for people to take a look at your work though.

Someone around here give the dude a hand already!

If you ever decide to write anything that's in my wheelhouse then feel free to pop back on here again. As I say, check the first post on the thread for the stuff I'll review. I prefer SciFi/Fantasy, NonHuman (within reason), and Erotic Horror (again, within reason). So if an idea for one of those should ever emerge onto the site then just gimme a call and I'll come a runnin' with my praising foam finger and my meat-skewers.

If that doesn't happen, then good look with your efforts as well!

 

[Asbel]

If you ever decide to write anything that's in my wheelhouse then feel free to pop back on here again.

I do have ONE chapter that's actually in the non-human category because of its focus on a potential female love interest and its complete lack of contact with the male love interest. If you ever want to, it's chapter 15.

Aside from that, I almost always end up hating my female characters, or they're just all the same two characters over and over again. I'll try and work on that.

 

[Ewobbit]

Ewobbit: Hey! You’re right. I try not to suck too much diseased moose wang. Sometimes I overindulge but four a day is really my limit.

As to your question? First off, please don’t ever write this sentence again:

But, if the primary activization of the secondary character's motivation is only through the observation on the part of the narrator personification of the primary protagonist, then howsomever else should I present it for your delectation?



Sorry. I'll try to behave. Carry on the good works.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hm, this thread's been quiet for a while. Anybody feel like looking at my latest? F/F, 16k words, mix of modern-day and fantasy. Some poetry.

https://www.literotica.com/s/riddle-of-the-copper-coin

 

[Lien_Geller]

Hi, Bramblethorn! As you might have guessed, I'm a bit busy at the moment. Will happily take a look at your story for you when I get back into the swing of things but I'm not sure when that'll be right now.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hi, Bramblethorn! As you might have guessed, I'm a bit busy at the moment. Will happily take a look at your story for you when I get back into the swing of things but I'm not sure when that'll be right now.

Thanks! No rush.

 

[Lien_Geller]

Riddle of the Copper Coin.

It’s me again! Let’s see what Bramblethorn’s got for me this time with Riddle of the Copper Coin.

Nice author’s note in at the start there. Short, to the point and it sums up the stuff that’s relevant to the reader rather than the author. Full marks.

Your opening isn’t bad either, although it does suffer from a few things. The first is that it lacks momentum, largely because there’s a lot of telling and not showing going on. It’s like a mix of reading character notes and a “previously on” montage. It’s admittedly lightened with some good humour, and it’s actually told well, but it’s still an issue for me. The opening line itself is a good one, because it immediately poses a question to the reader (what doesn’t the protagonist know about Rafi?). It’s just that from there you start to lose interest. It’s not that the interest plummets, but you’re reducing it to a simmer before giving it a chance to properly heat up. This results in a bit of a slow start.

I’d suggest that rather than talking about how Rafi likes DnD, maybe actually show the end of a game? You could fold everything into that including her injury, her short temper and Rafi’s character. It’d feel more active and allow us to directly get to know Rafi and Penny without having to be simply told about them. Maybe they’re playing and Penny loses her temper so they call it a night early, cue Rafi staying behind to talk with her? It’d feel a lot more active that way.

It was amicable enough as breakups go, but still it left me bruised and bleeding: "I love you, but not enough."

Again, it’s a small detail here but this came off a bit too literal for me when you say it left her bruised and bleeding. It almost feels like you’re suggesting she’s hurting herself or that they’ve had a fight?

It was amicable enough as breakups go, but it still left something inside my chest feeling as if it was bruised and bleeding when I heard the words: “I love you, but not enough.”

That just feels like it’s planted more in the realm of metaphor. I get what you mean, of course. It’s a small detail, but it stuck out to me so I thought I’d mention it.

The humour you use works very well. I particularly enjoyed the idea that Gandalf and Dumbledore’s disappearances were due to their observance of Ramadan.

And this is the story Rafi told me—or at least, an abridged version. The tale she told me had many more digressions and side-plots and stories within stories. I have left out the stories that the sea-captain told Fadil and Adiba, and the stories they told in return, and many others beside. This is the heart of her story, and although I've condensed it to a few short nights, you should understand that it was months in the telling.

I’m not really sure about this paragraph. You seem to be building it up to something epic, but doing so by telling me that you’ve chopped out stuff. I also don’t know who Fadil and Adiba are yet, so I don’t really care about that. You have just about successfully planted my attention with Rafi and Penny though, so I’m finding this divergence a bit daunting coming so soon. All in all it feels like you want me to be in a different mindset than I actually am at this point.

That said, the storytelling itself is very good indeed. In fact, it’s good to the point of being a bit weird. Almost as if you’re more comfortable speaking in the sort of “classical” style than you are in the modern one. Nothing against your modern style (as far as they go, it’s a pretty darn good one), but we all have certain turns of phrase and little issues with our wording that can only really be resolved by having about 5-10 people go over the story before it’s published. Even then, one or two will slip through. As I said, I get a few of those instances with this in your modern style but there’s virtually none of it in the storytelling sections at all.

This leads me to believe that you’re some kind of time travelling Arabian bard, and I’ll be keeping a suspicious eye on you from now on.

I actually really like how you balance the moments between Rafi and Penny with the story Rafi tells. I’ve seen this style of story done fucking horrifically due to poor pacing. The more interesting part of the tale is in the storytelling, and I’ve seen writers that would try to balance that with their initial narrative by doing a 50/50 spread between the story and reality. Having the reality being mere short interludes between the storytelling is pretty much spot on. It doesn’t derail the momentum of the storytelling but rather uses it to build a deeper connection with your characters in the real world.

So then when you take some time out to actually focus on the evolving relationship between Rafi and Penny I’m much more invested in them because of the groundwork the story laid out. It’s also a good point in the story to put on the brakes, and it makes sense so I’m not urged to skip ahead and find out what happens.

Sidenote: I haven’t really mentioned the poetry in this so far, but it’s great. The riddles are clever enough that I needed to think about them whilst not being a complete mystery. They also flow very well and actually fit into the story without seeming like a glaring change of pace which can sometimes happen in such instances. (I’m looking at you, Tolkien.) Nicely done.

My only issue with the pacing comes at the end of the story where you get shorter insertions. I feel that these could have been put together in longer sections rather than intercut between each other. The two stories being told are indeed relevant to each other, but still very different and it’s distracting to read them so close to each other like this if you get my meaning.

I’m also a proponent of build up reflecting culmination, and the final scenes with Rafi and Penny where they’re actually together feel much shorter than the build-up to that moment. I think the sex scene could have been somewhat grander after all that, but it’s a relatively minor issue.

Ok, so I’ve got through to the end now, and I liked this a lot. Not many folks manage to get through the glacier settled in my chest to be able to pluck at my heart strings, but you managed to get a few notes with this one. The beginning is a bit of a misfire, but once the concept is properly laid down it works very well indeed. The storytelling sets up the characters relationship near perfectly, and I’ve really got to commend you once again on the way you paced the balance between it and the “real world” happenings. You successfully maintain interest in both realms, and you make it look easy, which it most certainly isn’t. Other than a few little bumps at the end (though that might be more my taste than anything else) it’s pretty much perfect in this regard.

In terms of things you could improve, I’d say you need to work a little more on making your scenes more active. Your weakest trait as a writer for me is in those active scenes when Rafi and Penny are talking together, or when they’re visiting the gallery. Now, I say “weakest trait” in the context of the worst aspect of a generally very good writer, so don’t feel to demoralised. It’s just that when writing stuff like this I feel that you need a sort of “worn in” kind of tone that you get when old friends start talking together. Your tone feels slightly formal (note use of italics to emphasise how minor the problem is), and I feel like you often go to very deep conversation too quickly. I know that sometimes you need to have a deep conversation, but I also know that they often make people uncomfortable. They tell jokes to lighten things up, stutter, blush, mis-speak or contemplate their words. These things add to characterisation, and I don’t really feel like you pay enough attention to them. As such, although your dialogue hits the right note for what the story needs it does feel rather one-note if you catch my drift.

I know it’s a pain in the ass because I’m being quite vague in saying shit like that. It’s just that the only way to get better at this stuff is for a writer to develop their style, and I obviously can’t really advise you on that because then I’d be talking about my style and that’s just not the way to go about that sort of thing. That being said, I remember vaguely a past story you sent me called A Stringed Instrument, and you’ve improved your character work by leaps and bounds since then. I’m interested in what the characters have to say here, I just don’t get the tone of “people talking” from their dialogue scenes.

I think this might be why the other half of the story is written so well. In that classical style you can get away with a more formal tone in your dialogue. In fact it actually works for it.

I also feel that the scene where the guy called Rafi a terrorist just didn’t quite fit in with what you were going for in the tone of this story. It was like: “And here’s a brief interlude to say that assuming all Muslims are terrorists is a dick move. Now we return you to your regularly scheduled love story.” I think that this bit sticks out so much for me is because this story is largely comprised of Rafi and Penny in a bubble. I can’t recall any other characters actively taking a role in the story (not in this part of it anyway). When they’re together it feels like the rest of the world is elsewhere. This can be a good sort of mood to set in certain romance stories as it puts the lovers front and centre. The thing is that if you establish that tone and cast the rest of the world away from any active scenes then when the rest of the world does show up it can be a bit jarring. Especially with stuff like this that’s obviously quite charged. If you’d made more of a deal out of it, like having Penny finally unleash her anger and frustration and get into a fight with him or something, then it might have worked. Once again, it’s not a huge deal, but it stuck out to me a bit and felt somewhat out of place in the story you were trying to tell. BTW, this is an absolutely amazing story for the issue of people’s attitude toward Muslims in western society. You do a great job of building up Rafi as her own person, and making me care about her. I’m just saying you didn’t quite have to be so on the nose about it in this particular instance.

As I say, the dialogue itself isn’t shoddy. I probably wouldn’t even mention it if it weren’t for the fact that in every other aspect of your writing you’re clearly playing at a very high level. When I have to tick a lot of boxes with “great” a single “good” can stand out.

Anyways, I hope this was helpful to you! As usual, if you feel I’ve been unfair or just don’t agree with me then let me know and I’ll take the review down. Also, any further questions you might have I’m fine with answering. But be careful or you might rouse the beast.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Thanks for this, as always!

I’d suggest that rather than talking about how Rafi likes DnD, maybe actually show the end of a game? You could fold everything into that including her injury, her short temper and Rafi’s character. It’d feel more active and allow us to directly get to know Rafi and Penny without having to be simply told about them. Maybe they’re playing and Penny loses her temper so they call it a night early, cue Rafi staying behind to talk with her? It’d feel a lot more active that way.

Hmm. Yeah, thinking about it, something like that could've worked better. I started this story about five times before I got a beginning I was even halfway happy with, maybe I should have held out for six

I’m not really sure about this paragraph. You seem to be building it up to something epic, but doing so by telling me that you’ve chopped out stuff. I also don’t know who Fadil and Adiba are yet, so I don’t really care about that. You have just about successfully planted my attention with Rafi and Penny though, so I’m finding this divergence a bit daunting coming so soon. All in all it feels like you want me to be in a different mindset than I actually am at this point.

Yup, I see that. I realised partway through that I needed to indicate somewhere that this was an abridged version, because otherwise the story Rafi's telling isn't long enough for the present-day timeline, but I might've done better to work that in later.

This leads me to believe that you’re some kind of time travelling Arabian bard, and I’ll be keeping a suspicious eye on you from now on.

Guilty as charged.

Sidenote: I haven’t really mentioned the poetry in this so far, but it’s great. The riddles are clever enough that I needed to think about them whilst not being a complete mystery. They also flow very well and actually fit into the story without seeming like a glaring change of pace which can sometimes happen in such instances. (I’m looking at you, Tolkien.) Nicely done.

Yay! Those took SO LONG to write, they'd better have worked.

My only issue with the pacing comes at the end of the story where you get shorter insertions. I feel that these could have been put together in longer sections rather than intercut between each other. The two stories being told are indeed relevant to each other, but still very different and it’s distracting to read them so close to each other like this if you get my meaning.

My intent with this bit was to suggest that the two stories are running in parallel: Rafi and Penny are pretty much acting out what's happening in the fantasy side of things (vis. Penny's improvised tail). But between your comments and other feedback I've had, it seems like this didn't work like it was supposed to.

In terms of things you could improve, I’d say you need to work a little more on making your scenes more active. Your weakest trait as a writer for me is in those active scenes when Rafi and Penny are talking together, or when they’re visiting the gallery. Now, I say “weakest trait” in the context of the worst aspect of a generally very good writer, so don’t feel to demoralised. It’s just that when writing stuff like this I feel that you need a sort of “worn in” kind of tone that you get when old friends start talking together. Your tone feels slightly formal (note use of italics to emphasise how minor the problem is), and I feel like you often go to very deep conversation too quickly.

Formality - is that both characters, or specifically Rafi? I actually made a deliberate choice to have Rafi speak a little more formally than would be normal, because it's something I encounter a lot in ESL speakers - they know the rules pretty well but aren't sure when they're allowed to break them. But I'm thinking perhaps Penny should have made some observation about that early on, rather than expecting readers to interpret it that way.

I know that sometimes you need to have a deep conversation, but I also know that they often make people uncomfortable. They tell jokes to lighten things up, stutter, blush, mis-speak or contemplate their words. These things add to characterisation, and I don’t really feel like you pay enough attention to them. As such, although your dialogue hits the right note for what the story needs it does feel rather one-note if you catch my drift.

I know it’s a pain in the ass because I’m being quite vague in saying shit like that. It’s just that the only way to get better at this stuff is for a writer to develop their style, and I obviously can’t really advise you on that because then I’d be talking about my style and that’s just not the way to go about that sort of thing. That being said, I remember vaguely a past story you sent me called A Stringed Instrument, and you’ve improved your character work by leaps and bounds since then.

That comment surprised me at first, because I would have said that I did a lot more of some of the things you're suggesting in Stringed Instrument. But if I recall correctly, what you read was the stand-alone first chapter? In which case that makes more sense; it got more talky in the later chapters.

I also feel that the scene where the guy called Rafi a terrorist just didn’t quite fit in with what you were going for in the tone of this story. It was like: “And here’s a brief interlude to say that assuming all Muslims are terrorists is a dick move. Now we return you to your regularly scheduled love story.” I think that this bit sticks out so much for me is because this story is largely comprised of Rafi and Penny in a bubble. I can’t recall any other characters actively taking a role in the story (not in this part of it anyway). When they’re together it feels like the rest of the world is elsewhere. This can be a good sort of mood to set in certain romance stories as it puts the lovers front and centre. The thing is that if you establish that tone and cast the rest of the world away from any active scenes then when the rest of the world does show up it can be a bit jarring.

I can see that. I wasn't entirely happy with this scene, but there was stuff I wanted to include and couldn't figure out how else to do it.

The story gives Rafi a lot of opportunity to show off her good qualities. She takes care of her injured friend, she gives sensible advice, she's creative, etc. etc. Plenty of reasons why Penny might fall for her. But I felt like the other direction needed a bit more weight, to justify why Rafi might fall for Penny, and showing Penny's willingness to defend Rafi seemed like a way to do that.

Also because that sort of crap is unfortunately a fact of life here. I had to defuse something like that incident a few months back on my way home from work, and every week I hear about somebody being punched or spat on or yelled at for wearing a hijab. I didn't want to feel like I was just using Rafi's religion for the sexy exotic factor, if that makes sense?

But in hindsight, maybe I did cover that enough through other aspects of the story, maybe I didn't need to try quite so hard here. Wondering if instead of that scene, it might've been better to justify Rafi's attraction with something more fun, maybe a banter-filled game night (possibly as part of the intro, as you suggested).

Thanks for a very detailed and helpful review! I wish I'd had this one to work with before I posted it; after reading this, there are bits I'd have reworked.

 

[Lien_Geller]

The only thing I’ll add to that is to answer your question about whether or not it’s just Rafi or both the characters that are somewhat overly-formal. It’s both. Although thinking on it a bit more I’m not entirely sure that “overly-formal” are the words to describe it. It just felt a bit wooden. Like I said in the review, old friends often have a certain way of speaking together. A certain rhythm. I didn’t really feel that at all in their conversations, although you did succeed in getting across how much they cared for each other using other means. This might be a bit down to personal tastes than anything else. I mean, there’s nothing technically wrong with it at all.

To try and put it another way, it feels like they’re always talking about something important and they’re both always focused on it entirely. In my experience, that doesn’t really happen. Sometimes the cat demands attention. Sometimes you don’t know what to say so you say something silly. Sometimes you fill the gap with small talk whilst you assess the bigger issue. These kind of “in-between” moments don’t have to completely take over your dialogue, but they are important in giving your characters a more “lived in” feel to them. They also allow for the outside world to at least pass by, so they don’t feel so much like they live in a bubble. It’s sort of slight of hand to suggest to the reader that there’s more going on than you’ve written. It’s that little cue for the author to say “go in this general direction, but fill in the blanks for yourselves.”

That’s the only way I can think of outlining the issue. It’s an annoyingly vague issue, but you’re playing at a pretty high level so the problems up there tend to get vaguer. It’s also not a problem you completely fall face-first into. There is some of that background noise and a little to get on with fleshing out those conversations. I just think you could probably expand on it a bit. As I said, when I see the attention you put into some other aspect of your work, this stuff shows up a little bit more!

I'm also referring specifically to the dialogue here. You do mention a lot of other things in the narrative like the cat, the wedding, and the DnD game. It's just that you don't really have your characters talk about them. So you get that bubble effect because I think dialogue is where the reader feels the character the most.

Combining that with your hesitation to expand upon the scene I mentioned and bring out Penny’s virtues kind of makes me think that you’re almost afraid to slow down and characterize. I talked a bit in an earlier blurbeling of my thoughts on writing about how important it is to weave your plotting and your characterization together. Maybe you should lean into characterization a little bit more and allow yourself to indulge in giving your characters more of their own voice, style and scenes? It’s ok if those kind of scenes slow the plot down a little bit. Just make sure they don’t grind it to a screeching halt for 20 pages.

Anyways, when you next want to publish something feel free to give me a nudge if you want and I’ll be happy to give you my thoughts on it before you put it up live. I don’t have enough attention to detail to be a proper editor, but if you think I’m giving good input then why wait ‘till you’ve already published it?

 

[Lien_Geller]

Lets get ready to rumble!

In other news, in case y’all haven’t figured it out yet, I’m throwin’ down the gauntlet once again for anyone to pick up if they want me to take a look at their stories. If you don’t know how it works, put a link up on here to the story you want me to look over and a request a review. If you’ve just got onto this page and only seen me review Bramblethorn’s story then please go to the first page of this thread and read the first post to read the rules. (I don't review stories in certain categories that aren't my cup of tea.) Also, you might want to check out some of the other reviews I’ve put up here for stories I didn’t like to see how harsh I can be. (Spoiler alert! It’s pretty harsh. Don’t ask for my input if you don’t have thick skin.) Feel free to add any particular questions or queries you might have. I also sometimes just don’t review a story if I really don’t like it or if it’s way out of my realm of interest.

Oh, and if you don't want me to gleefully rip you to shreds in front of everyone else then I also do reviews by PM on request. I just prefer to make them public so that all may bask in my sage-like wisdom, odd focus on opening lines, and loathing of overly long author's notes.

 

[wandasboris1980]

Wow Great "thread"!

I'm sort of new to this site and forum....so I found this in a search of stories about Marilyn Chambers. I skimmed through the post in search of M.C. and I have to say...WOW! I'm gonna check it out thoroughly when I have more time. TY Lien Geller!!

 

[StrangeTamer]

Hi Lien_Geller, I'll bite. I'm a new author and trying to get feedback wherever I can to improve my writing. It's in Sci-Fi/Fantasy, it's a love story between a sex goddess and a mortal female. It's mainly lesbian with a hermaphrodite at the end and it's just over 27000 words. If you read it feel free to post your revenue in your thread. https://www.literotica.com/s/rebirth-ch-01-mindys-awakening

 

[Lien_Geller]

Here ya go!

Hey there StrangeTamer! I’m not generally up for hermaphrodite action (nothing against it, just not my cup of tea), but I’ll give your story a go and stop reading if I get too turned off. ^_^

So with that in mind, here is the link again for anyone who missed your post:

Rebirth Ch. 01 Mindy’s Awakening

Right then, so your opening line is not a good one.

”It's early spring, overcast and raining as Mindy Anderson gets out of her car at the offices of West Coast Antiquities, and she opens her umbrella and heads in to work."

Snore. Ok let’s put this another way. This is your opening line. This is where you’ve got to sell me your story. This is where you’ve got to make me want to read the rest of the first paragraph, which is then going to make me want to read the rest of the first chapter. So given all that, you have to be interesting and concise in what you put in there.

Here’s what you give me: A seasonal update, a weather report, and an apparent protagonist who drives a car, works in antiquities, and can use an umbrella. Now, which of these things am I supposed to find compelling? In fact, of those things I just listed I’m betting at least half of them aren’t remotely relevant to anything except for descriptive fluff.

Do better.

I’ve said this before but if you’re struggling with this then I think that all great opening lines pose a question to the reader. They don’t have to be a question, but they need to make the reader want to know who, where, what, why, or how. Yours does none of those things, and so I don’t particularly care about reading further.

The opening line’s important, but the opening paragraphs are really where you want to capture a greater interest. Your opening paragraph would make a great example for: Writing 101 – Why we show and don’t tell. At least it would in that any amateur writer would be able to glance at it and say “yeah, I get why that’s wrong.”

It’s not just that you’re telling and not showing, but you’re telling me things that make me actively dislike your protagonist from the get-go. If you want me to be on Mindy’s side, then you have to show me something that makes me like her as a character. You don’t do this at all. So when Mindy starts thinking about the “office bitch” it makes her unlikable because that’s only something an asshole would say about someone. Again, you could show Rachel being an ass and mitigate the damage somewhat, but you don’t really do that. Even in the moment when she calls Mindy a spinster it doesn’t feel all that bad because by that point I’m not rooting for Mindy.

Getting on then, I spotted this and it made me giggle:

”The dreams are always so real, and it's always the same woman, her medium height blue eyed brunette.”

Firstly, for someone who uses commas a lot you don’t seem to be able to use them properly. If you’re listing stuff like that then smack a comma down after every listed item. Secondly, I get the feeling that this is supposed to be some sort of romanticised description but I’ve never seen anyone just plonk down “medium height” in a description of that kind. It’s textbook descriptive language the police might ask for when questioning a witness, but it’s not all that romantic or sexy. There’s a reason you don’t usually hear conversations like this:

“Hey Roger, saw you with that girl again last night. Phwoar! She’s a stunner alright”

“Yeah, mate, you know me. I’m all about those medium-height ladies.”

“Right! Such a great pair of… wait, what?”

“Not too tall, not too small. That’s just what floats my boat.”

“Er… right. She had a really nice butt though, don’t you think?”

“Meh. Didn’t notice. I was too busy imagining running a tape measure up next to her and seeing her land squarely in that medium-height sweet spot. Look, I’ve got it marked on here. Anything between 5ft 5 and 5ft 9.”

“But what about her legs? She had amazing legs.”

“Yeah! They helped put her at a sweet 5ft 7. That’s my favourite height of all the medium-heights.”

“I… I need to find someone else to drink with.”


Next up, you accidentally made me lol again.

As she's sitting in her car getting ready to drive home all she can think about is her, the way her reddish brown hair frames her almost elfish face with those piercing blue eyes that seem to look right into your soul, her soft warm milky skin with her big soft breasts that just beg to be touched that have a thin interracially woven tattoo around each areola.

Now, that’s slightly better when it comes to hitting the right tone, but it’s an unusually long sentence. It feels clunky and could easily have been broken down into 2 or 3 more manageable ones to make it flow easier. Also, what the hell is an “interracially woven tattoo”? Did you mean intricately? I just imagined a little circle of white, black and asian people holding hands around her nipples. Don’t rely on spell check. Actually edit your work yourself!

The remembered sex-scene that follows on from this is a bit…remembered. What I mean by that is that it doesn’t really feel like I’m in the moment with Mindy, but rather she’s just recalling it for me which takes away much of the impact. Again, it’s a case of showing and not telling.

Arianna wanders around the house not going anywhere particular, finally stopping by a mirror to talk at herself. "Tonight's the night, the night I tell Mindy the truth about me and how I feel about her. I only hope she feels the same, although I think she does. Look at me, an all-powerful sex goddess turned to jelly by a thirty-five year old girl," she says to her reflection shaking her head with a nervous laugh.

Again, you’re telling me that in the abstract. It doesn’t make it any better that a character is telling and not showing and not the narrator. If you want a reader to buy into a relationship then you need to show me what the relationship is like and why I should care about it. My only real glimmer of an actual connection between these two is when Arianna directly spoke to Mindy and came out with:

"Hello lover, I'm Arianna, you were close, it's not god you should scream, it's goddess."

…And that sentence is all over the bloody place!

I also don’t mean that you need to give me a narrative history of the relationship here to “show” me how much these two mean to each other. I mean why don’t you just give me one active scene between them to show some sort of connection I can buy into? Some glimpse of a genuinely human connection between two people. It could be something as simple as a shared joke, or a longstanding habit they both have. It just needs to be something, and it needs to be shown rather than told, and it needs to be in an active scene rather than passive description or reflection.

Alright, as you can probably tell I’m getting cranky with this now. I’m going to stop here because I feel this might turn into a huge(er) review of me just ragging on you. That’s not what I’m trying to do here, and it isn’t fun for either of us.

If this is your first attempt at writing something for a wider audience then I’d recommend you take a look at some basic writing advice stuff. Particularly in regards to active vs. passive storytelling and why showing and not telling is important. If you want something to get you started, particularly with sci-fi/fantasy writing then go to youtube and type in “Write About Dragons”. You’ll get a series of lectures from the writer Brandon Sanderson that covers a lot of storytelling advice (though it’s not sexily oriented at all as he’s a regular fantasy writer.)

Hope that helps you out, and apologies if this was overly harsh on you. I’m not trying to deter you, and the simple volume of writing that you’re doing is impressive. Keep it up and don’t be disheartened. As usual, if you really don’t like this review and don’t want it up here then just let me know and I’ll remove it for ya!

 

[StrangeTamer]

Thank you for taking a look at it, sorry I made you cranky. Yes this is the first story I have ever written. Sorry you couldn't finish it I think my writing gets a little better mid way through. I've seen the other reviews you did and I knew you would give me your honest opinion and I really appreciate it. Others have said the beginning is bad and I agree with you it is. I had a very hard time starting the story I rewrote it a lot and at the time this was the best I could come up with. 8letters suggested a different beginning where the story starts 6 months ago when Arianna comes to Mindy for the first time so the remembering part would happen in real time then skip forward 6 months. Skip the office make Rachel nicer but I need to work her into the beginning somewhere, she's an important part towards the end. I might rewrite it something like that.

Also, what the hell is an “interracially woven tattoo”? Did you mean intricately? I just imagined a little circle of white, black and asian people holding hands around her nipples. Don’t rely on spell check.

That's hilarious! I've read over the story at least 5 times looking for typos and I never seen that until you pointed it out.

Alright, as you can probably tell I’m getting cranky with this now. I’m going to stop here because I feel this might turn into a huge(er) review of me just ragging on you. That’s not what I’m trying to do here, and it isn’t fun for either of us.

It's all right that you stopped here and like I said I knew you would give me your honest opinion.

If you want something to get you started, particularly with sci-fi/fantasy writing then go to youtube and type in “Write About Dragons”. You’ll get a series of lectures from the writer Brandon Sanderson that covers a lot of storytelling advice (though it’s not sexily oriented at all as he’s a regular fantasy writer.)

Thank you, I have next week off and I'll try watching that.

Hope that helps you out, and apologies if this was overly harsh on you. I’m not trying to deter you, and the simple volume of writing that you’re doing is impressive. Keep it up and don’t be disheartened. As usual, if you really don’t like this review and don’t want it up here then just let me know and I’ll remove it for ya!

No apologies necessary and no you were not overly harsh I have thick skin lol. I'm not going to give up, I've found I like writing (although I'm very slow at it). I started out just trying to write a simple story with lots of sex that still had somewhat of a plot and it grew to 27,000 words. Now I have ideas for 2-3 more chapters one that will continue the story line and two with mostly sex. What I don't understand is why this story has always had a good score, it's had a red H since the second day it posted.

Now lol, the question is do I finish writing the next chapters and leave this the way it is for now or rewrite this one and have the existing one deleted and resubmit it with the new one or just submit an edit.

I really liked your "The Defiled Temple" series it was very well done.

 

[Yshomatsu]

Am I late to the party?

I've been reading for years and found the courage to start writing on here a few years back. Since then I've had a few really good reviews that have helped me improve. I would love another if you have some time.

The last time I got good detailed feedback was for my Inquisition story line, the feedback came after I had posted 3 chapters. After learning from that my ratings and comments have improved but the feedback stopped. My last story posted was for last year's Halloween contest. It has links to my other stories but over all is stand alone. It's a fantasy story set in a world I've been trying to imagine and create. If you're interested here's the link.

Thank you for your time even if you're not interested. I'm ok with reply on here, pm or feedback email.
~Yshomatsu

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-corrupted-forest

 

[Lien_Geller]

The Corrupted Forest

Here’s what I thought of Yshomatsu’s The Corrupted Forest.

I don’t really rate your opening. The sort of mini-introduction to the world is quite bland and doesn’t make me want to keep reading. I’ve seen this done a lot worse, and you do establish a sort of “fairy tale” tone which makes it easier to digest. It’s just that there’s not really anything that catches my interest. I’m a fan of fantasy, and you’re saying that basically there’s an enchanted forest somewhere occasionally visited by wizards. It’s not that such a setting can’t be interesting. It very much can. It’s just that the concepts by themselves aren’t interesting enough to keep my interest. I’ve read hundreds of stories with enchanted forests and wizards. If you’re hanging your story hook on that then it’s going to fall down pretty fast.

You also say:

Gigantic trees who's far reaching branches became a highway for primates and monkeys.

I thought monkeys were primates? You could have said “…a highway for monkeys and other primates,” but saying it like that makes me think that you think monkeys are separate from other species of primate. This is a relatively minor detail in the grand scheme of things, but it’s in your opening paragraph, which derails me from the story right at the start when it should be hooking me into it.

Ok, so after that you say that a robed man’s sitting in the shade enjoying the enjoyment of the wind going through his hair. If that last sentence felt slightly silly to read due to too much enjoying going on then that’s what yours feels like too. The next bit is just flat-out weird. You state that I might think someone was older than they actually were because their hair is going blue? Not grey? I mean, I know you go on to say that it’s something to do with his magic, but it comes off as weird in how you introduce it. Reading that first sentence about blue hair makes me think there was a typo.

He loved the peaceful forest life, and couldn't see himself living anywhere else. There were many dangers that he had to be wary of and avoid, all part of the circle of life, yet they really didn't bother him. Predators had to hunt and kill to survive. It didn't make them evil. He admired them equally, including the exotic bird on his shoulder. The only difference being that he wouldn't walk up to the dangerous animals.

Ok, so this is a perfect example of an opportunity to show rather than tell. Telling us how much he loves nature is dull. It’s not a new concept, and it’s not put forward in a remotely compelling way. Why not instead show his love of nature by writing him actually interacting with it?

He’s sat peacefully by a tree, feeding his bird. Then he senses the approach of a predator and quickly bolts up the tree to perch on a branch and watch the beast pass below. He enjoys watching the animal, but keeps his distance as it passes. See what I’m saying? You can convey the same sorts of things but now there’s tension, there’s showing a bond between him and his pet, there’s excitement as we see a passing predator. It gets everything across the same, but it’s much more active and compelling to read rather than just blurting out his philosophy on attitudes to the animal kingdom.

The young apprentice took a deep breath, savoring the morning air. He looked around and smiled at the colorful bird upon his shoulder as it tilted its head at him. Enorim knew he had lingered long enough and had to get back. He let out the deep breath and slowly got up. The small quetzal flew away the second his body moved.

I’m going to try not to criticize every freakin’ paragraph but there’s too much deep breathing there. Stuff like that can add flavour and sensation to scenes if it’s backed up by other sensory cues. Here though? They come off as quite pointless. He’s got a deep breath savouring the morning air, but you’ve just spent the last few paragraphs telling us how much of a hippie he is so this feels like overkill. Then he lets out a deep breath before getting up. Why? Is he apprehensive? That last one seems totally irrelevant to anything and just seems to have been placed there to fill out your word count. Both of these deep breaths together makes me feel like the guy’s got asthma. It’s repetition. Tighten this stuff up when you edit.

Christ on a stick, then a few paragraphs later we get this:

He straightened his back and took another deep breath. The part he always hated, walking through the enchantment, always imagining that one day he'd mistake the spell and walk face first into a tree trunk. With his face scrunched up he walked through the enchantment.

For crying out loud! Think of different ways to have your characters emote rather than taking deep breaths! I’m literally imagining Darth Vader walking into a tree here at his point. This also reads as really basic. It’s like you’re trying to build up tension but you don’t care enough to actually do the job. If it’s a big deal that it might go wrong then make it a big deal. If it’s not, then just get the fuck on with it!

You could have added a note of humour here with this. Say that maybe he hated this part because when he was a student he once did the spell wrong and walked face-first into a tree trunk in front of his mentor. That’s characterisation, it adds depth and humour to the scene. It’s also a more active story for the reader to invest in rather than just a passive musing of the protagonist.

Enorim then goes inside his magic tree and you lay out a huge infodump about his character and a big descriptive scene telling me about the house and its magic. You overuse the terms “old man” and “old timer” a lot.

I get a few glimpses of something actually happening here, as his master seems to be gone and there’s a note from his former apprentice. It’s just bogged down in so much fucking exposition that I can’t remotely get excited about it. Quite a lot of your descriptive writing is also a bit too on the nose for me, especially when it comes to stuff like this.

There were leaves covering up her womanly parts, thankfully. He didn't think he'd be able to handle seeing those large tits in the flesh.

So that just feels a bit odd to me. It’s the first time any sort of sexy stuff has happened so far, and his reaction is weird. Like: “Oh my god! An amazingly gorgeous woman! Thank goodness she’s fully clothed!” I’m just thinking, huh? You haven’t remotely set up this guy’s sexuality or attitudes toward sexy things so far, so this makes him come across as slightly pathetic. In the same, “not being able to handle seeing those large tits in the flesh” feels very out of place in this scene where a freakin’ explosion has just happened. The whole thought just feels really odd and kind of forced.

Then there’s this:

She looked like one of the Fae that kept to themselves. And she appeared to be injured. Without a second thought Enorim carefully picked her up and carried the delicate, slim woman inside, cradling her head against his shoulder. He couldn't help but feel chills run through his body as her hot breath met his neck. She was stunningly beautiful even when unconscious. He tried not to think of her as a woman.

That just reads to me as being quite creepy. I think the mistake you’re making here is that you want to convince the reader that this is a very beautiful and attractive woman, but you’re focusing on it at completely the wrong time. Having Enorim focus on her beauty and how sexy she is to the point where he’s actually distracted from helping out an injured woman just makes him feel like a complete tosser.

Even if she had been one of the large cats that would kill him without a second thought, he'd still attempt to save its life. The trick would be helping it quickly before it woke up.

In that single paragraph you transition from referring to the fae woman as “she” to “it” which feels quite strange. I’m not sure how to feel about her now. Is she supposed to be more of an animal? Is that how Enorim thinks of her? What the hell’s happening!? Be consistent with this stuff because it shows.

Again, you go into detail about the woman’s vital statistics at a poor time. “Hey, we’ve got a seriously injured and unconscious woman in our care. Let’s help her by all means, but let’s stop for a moment to check her out because she’s really fucking hot.” What the hell!? You know what might have made this more interesting? If there was some magical essence to the fae that made them unatturally alluring. Like a glamour or something that made it difficult for humans, even magical humans, to resist being awestruck by them. So then whilst Enorim’s trying to help, he’s also trying to fight off the magical influence and these moments become him getting understandably entranced at close quarters with her. It makes more sense and makes him more empathetic than coming off as a bit of an arsehole.

When the woman does pop up into consciousness we do get a sort of entrancing scene, but again you lack any sort of real subtlety or playfulness with your words. What could have been a sexy seduction scene feels like the dialogue of a very cheap hypnotist instead.

"Yes, that's right. Deep down you've always wanted to be controlled by a powerful woman."

I actually laughed at that. It’s so un-subtle in what you’re trying to do that it shifts into genuine comedy. It’s like if this happened in the middle of sex:

“Oh yeah! Baby! Fuck me! I love it!”

“Damn, you’re so fucking good!”

“Yeah! Tell me you love it!”

“I love it! Know why? Because I have daddy issues and a type b-personality so I’m attracted to strong working professional men who can provide themselves with a stable lifestyle! I’m also a control freak, but get off on being spanked because it makes me surrender that control I often yearn for in a way that makes me feel really naughty!”

“Right on! Oh yeah! It’s so… wait, what!?”

Again, if you want to present her as a powerful woman taking charge then fucking show me that in their interaction. Don’t just blurt it out so damn blatantly in the dialogue!

The idea of her counting to ten was interesting. I actually enjoy your ideas and your basic premise, but there’s very little attention paid to active storytelling in what I’ve read so far. I’m going to stop reading here, because as you’ve probably guessed I’m not enjoying myself at all with this one and it’s very long.

Overall advice I’d offer is to find out more about active vs. passive storytelling. Why too much exposition and description is bad. How to effectively build things like tension, drama and conflict. Also the importance of plot and character and why they should come before everything else, as well as how you should be presenting them in terms of pace and such.

There are some interesting ideas going on here, but it feels like you spend too much time fart-arsing about with exposition and too little when it comes to important stuff like actual character interaction. Forget telling me about the world or about how shit looks and show me an interesting character doing something compelling. Otherwise you’re just treading water whilst your story sinks.

As usual, since this wasn’t a positive review then feel free to PM me and I’ll take it down. Hope it was helpful though. A lot of the mistakes you make are quite common and can be fixed, so don’t feel too down about it. It’s just not enough to have good ideas and hope they come through. The technical side of your writing isn’t too bad, although you’ve got a few quirks you need to iron out. (Don’t worry, we all do) You just need to work some more on your actual storytelling.

 

[tomlitilia]

Allright, if you're up for another one, I'd be happy to get some feedback on this: https://www.literotica.com/s/going-with-the-flow-2
It is a lesbian exhibitionist romance story that I wrote for the summer holiday contest. I don't pretend to write anything other than sex stories, but I like to give myself little challenges when I do it. In this case there were two things. First, I made it a story about a black and a blonde woman, but with the aim making completely free of stereotypes and racifying language. So would be great to hear how I succeeded (or not).

Secondly, I'm a man writing a lesbian story, but I didn't want it to be overly obvious. So would be nice to know how I did with that.

Edit: I'm of course happy for any other pointers. And praise. I'm also open for praise

 

[Kimikimidoll]

Hello, I'm a post

Just wanted to drop in after lurking around so long- I appreciate the way you're honestly reviewing what seems like any and every submission. When I read your first post, I was like lol.. this guy's asking to be buried in posts. But you kept at it. Seriously, it must take up so much of your time, and the points you make help other authors too (helped me at least). So thanks.
*shuffles out awkwardly*

 

[Lien_Geller]

Going with the Flow

Going with the Flow < That right there’s the story and this right here’s what I thought of it.

Nicole had no idea what to do with the rest of her life.

That’s not a bad opening line. It’s creates empathy with Nicole, since we’ve all been there. It also poses the question of “what is she going to do with her life?”. That’s ok, but it’s a bit vague. It’s like you’re saying “here’s an aimless character you might relate to”, and it’s much more fun if you could say “here’s an aimless character you could relate to, and she’s being chased by a giant shark.” My point being (other than that I really love Shark Week) is that it helps to throw a hook to both character and plot in your opening line.

The rest of your opening paragraph sort of runs into the same issue in that it’s nice and it makes her relatable, but she’s not really doing anything remotely interesting. There’s also a lot of description going on, which isn’t bad in itself but I feel you’re trying to explain too much too soon without giving me a compelling reason to keep reading.

I’m 5 paragraphs in before anything really interesting happens in her contemplating going naked.

It’s also a little weird when you say she sees a bird of prey and it somehow makes her get her tits out. I didn’t know birds of prey really had that effect on women. It sort of makes me want to purchase my own falcon to try it out.

There was a significant part of her that demanded that she put a stop to this outrageous behavior.

I’m a bit confused by that. She’s topless in a seemingly private lake with no one else around. Maybe I’m just jaded, but it doesn’t exactly seem like a huge deal. Lots of women tend to go topless on beaches here in Europe. It’s not exactly a big thing. Maybe if you implied your character was a bit conservative about that sort of thing it’d land properly, but as it is it reads a bit weird.

I get that you’re trying to play more to the kink of public nudity here, and that’s fine, it’s just that you’re laying it on a little thick. It’s like seeing a huge action scene without really knowing the characters involved. It makes the whole thing seem hollow somewhat.

As she gradually managed to calm herself, she was almost surprised that her disrobing hadn't changed anything around her. The birds were still chanting their love songs, the sky was still blue, and the only one beaming at her was the almighty sun.

And the giant magical octopus was giving her the thumbs-up. Nothing was out of- oh… shit.

Sorry, I know that’s a bit weird, but that’s genuinely where my thoughts went after reading that. Why would getting naked change anything around her when there’s no one there? Again, it’s a bit of an overreaction and it shows. If you’d planted the idea that she was very shy or had been raised to think nudity=bad then this sort of thing would work, as it is? It just doesn’t quite get there for me. There’s no real conflict happening that I can invest in.

Then Frida shows up and things do improve! Yey! I like their interactions because it makes things feel more active rather than merely contemplative. I feel like you might have missed an opportunity in showing more attraction between them. There’s a “she was cute” moment, but it should be a bit more than that. Especially with the peeking and exhibitionism. I’m not meaning more of a police report: Blonde hair, blue eyes, big boobs. Ick. I mean it was a chance to show how Nicole is attracted to her and what specifically sparks that physical attraction. Doing this right can net you a much bigger interest as people have certain types and if we can’t relate to the type itself, we can relate to the attraction the protagonist feels at finding her type… if you catch my meaning.

With that said I do like the eventual one-upsmanship that goes on between them and how that plays out. It’s pretty darn sexy and you may have a round of applause for it. Well done.

This flows well into the mutual masturbation scene and I loved them going off into the open and hiding behind a rock to avoid getting spotted by travellers!

My only issue here is that the dialogue is a little stale in the way it’s written. There’s nothing wrong with what’s being said, but how they’re saying it comes off a little too writery and lacks the genuine tone of a playful conversation. It’s not a huge issue, and I wouldn’t even say it’s “wrong” but it’s something to work on.

Other than that though, the sexy fun was good once it got going into steamy-town.

As for the things that you mentioned you wanted me to address specifically:

1: I’m a white guy from the north of England and I’m pretty sure I’ve never actually met an African American person in my entire life except in passing. So I’m not exactly a culture expert in that regard, but I didn’t spot any racial stereotypes except in the stereotypical hot, blonde Scandinavian woman. ^_^ I’m sure they have hot brunettes, hot redheads, and hot black-haired women over there too y’know!

2: I also didn’t see any markers of a guy writing a story focused on women. But as I’m a dude myself then I probably wouldn’t, would I? So if any ladies are interested in giving tomlitilia some feedback in this regard then feel free to let him have it!

Overall, this is a perfectly well written sex story. I think it could be given more of an infusion of characterisation into the story, particularly with Nicole. Knowing a bit more about her background to explain why she thinks the way she does would really ground some of the things you put out there. I didn’t dislike her, and you didn’t mishandle anything truly important, but it did feel a bit dull at first. The sex does carry the story well, but it would mean so much more if I knew a little more about her.

It also has a bit of a slow start due to these issues and issues I’ve already mentioned. I don’t really think that’s a good idea, particularly for a competition entry like this one where you want to plant people’s interest from the beginning.

Anyhoo, hope that was helpful. I did like this story quite a bit more than I thought I would. Keep up the fun times, but try and dig a little deeper! Most of the technical side of your writing is sound enough by my standards too. I’d like to see what you could do with biting off a little more than simple sex stories. You seem like you could handle it. So write some complexer sex stories! ^_^

 

[Lien_Geller]

...and thanks!

And thanks to Kimikimidoll for the nice post!

 

[tomlitilia]

Lots of insightful comments

Thanks Lien! I'm not sure I completely agree with all the comments, but they are certainly worth thinking about. Thanks for taking the time to think about my little story. And btw, I'm Scandinavian myself, so I'm allowed to play on these stereotypes

 

[Scandilove]

Wonderful thread

Hi there, great thread!

I'd love a review of my first submission to the site, if you'd be so kind - https://www.literotica.com/s/queens-gambit-ch-01.

In particular, I'd like to know what people think about the next chapter being told from a new character's perspective. If people like Ch.1 are you annoyed at being made to wait to hear about Matt's story arc? Or would bother perspective be welcomed? The story is supposed to thread a number of plot lines together and in first person, this is the best way I can think to do it.

Thanks!

 

[Lien_Geller]

Queen's Gambit.

Sorry for the delay! Been a bit busy these past few weeks. Let’s get back on track with checking out Queen’s Gambit by Scandilove.

First off, let’s talk about your author’s note. I don’t mind you flagging up that this is your first submission. I personally don’t think it really does new writers any favours to say this, but I understand why you might prefer to keep the training wheels on when it comes to criticism. Although I will say that the reason I don’t think that this does new writers any favours is that when I see it I often just click away from the story. I mean, think about it, this is a sex story site with thousands of submissions and some very good stories available from talented amateur (and semi-professional) writers. With those stories available, why would I want to spend my time reading something from a first timer?

If you don’t mention it, then the reader will probably just give it a go and you might get some interest because you might be good. It feels much better to earn that, or to take a critical pounding, rather than to hide behind the excuse of “this is my first time!” Just let the story stand on its own merits, and if you must put something in like this then add it at the end. It’s much more appealing to read that you can help a new writer once you’ve fully read their story and it’s interested you in one way or another.

The next part of the note is, in my opinion, a big no-no. Plenty of author’s on this site publish chapters as they’re being written. So you don’t need to tell me that’s what you’re doing here. I don’t need to know about limited sex (again, it just puts people off. Let the reader decide if there’s enough sex in it for them and take the criticism if that’s what they offer.) Telling me I should read the whole thing because there are references made and characters built upon just comes across as pretty fucking condescending. Gee, you mean to tell me that if I skip to the end of a story and don’t read the beginning at all then I might… miss something!? No shit, Sherlock.

I know that a lot of writers put this sort of stuff in with the best of intentions, but it’s not really relevant and it gets in the way of what I’ve come to do (i.e. – read an interesting story.)

Okie doke. Let’s start off here with the actual story and see where we wind up, shall we?

I like what you’re trying to do in your opening. For the most part, it works and throws the reader into the middle of some action. There’s no fucking about “setting a scene” and it’s straight to the point in actually placing my attention in a scene that’s happening. That’s good stuff. My problem with it is that it’s initially slightly confusing as to whether or not you’re writing in the first or third person. This isn’t because you do anything technically wrong that I can spot. It’s just that it’s a first person narrative that begins kind of “away” from the narrator of the story. That first paragraph mentions “a drunk man shouts from behind me,” but that “me” is the only clue that it’s a first person story and the next 7 paragraphs are seemingly written in the third person. See what I mean? It’s just a bit disorienting.

You do lose some of the momentum you create when you take the story out of the moment you’ve built up and go into “scene setting mode” in describing the London surroundings. At this point it’s just fluff decoration because I have no character or plot thread to plant me in those surroundings and make me care about them. I thought that the initial interaction would be something that the narrator might be drawn into, but you just sort of leave it alone and don’t really introduce us to the narrator much. He’s just watching the world go by. That’s pretty dull to read about, no matter how interesting the surrounding world is, if there’s nothing there to make me care about it.

This sort of thing continues on throughout the entirety of the bus journey. There’s no wrong thing to do when you’re writing, but this sort of crap just bugs me. You’re flinging my attention all over the damn place when you should be investing me in something. The protagonist (I think, I have no idea if he’s the main protagonist other than the fact he’s the narrator) is a fucking hollow shell. There’s nothing really going on except a lot of outside noise. Where’s the bloody plot hook? It reads like I’m watching someone aimlessly doodling. The characters who show up don’t seem important at all, and you manage to focus on them whilst barely mentioning the protagonist, let alone successfully characterising him. Everything is told rather than shown. His text conversation with his date is more focused on her rather than showing anything about who he is. I kind of want to go off with the arguing couple, or the sexy woman in the orange dress. Anything but this bland pair of eyeballs and apparently little else that you’ve landed me with here.

When he gets home things do get a little better on the characterisation front, but it’s not exactly something I’d consider interesting to read. Just a guy going to bed and thinking about going to the gym, maybe? I know there’s a little fondling of himself toward the end but that doesn’t really do anything for me. (Straight dude problems.) Again, I want something to happen that will plant my interest and you are just flailing wildly. It’s not as if the guy himself is at all interesting in his own right. He’s kind of boring and generic in a lot of ways.

I see you seem to be running into the same problem I am here. This is a scene that reads as if you’ve literally gotten bored with your own writing.

The arguments are well rehearsed: it's a one-bed new build, I can take care of it myself. But I work long hours and don't want to spend my free time cleaning. But why should someone else clean up my mess? But people are cleaners and want to be employed as such. But...low-wage economy, exploitation? Pay good wages, provide good conditions. But a stranger in my house? Get references, get a nanny cam.

Blah, Blah etc.

I have no idea why you thought that was essential to the story you’re telling. I mean you’re not even telling much of a story at this point. Unless the story is “Day in the life of the blandest guy on the planet.” I mean, I’m sorry and I always write these reviews as I read them to give the author’s my raw impression of what I think as I read. Maybe you’ll fix this later on or it’ll all be part of some masterful scheme, or I’ll sink into some sort of boredom induced coma.

Stay tuned to find out!

Ok, so I’ve read a bit further and it actually was relevant! Surprise, surprise. I mean, sure, it was still super-boring to read, but it was relevant! Woo! We’re makin’ progress here!

Then even more progress toward something interesting going on happens when the maid shows up for an interview! Woohoo! Actual relevant character interaction. Sexy Romanian lady. Finally, something I can get interested in. It only took you almost en entire Lit page to get here. Although I wouldn’t put it past you at this point to actually have this be an interview and then that be the last time we see the interesting maid show up at all.

Sorana shrugs, her oval face smiling. "It ok. I learn English way. Now my boss in shop say, 'Sorana we make new menu for customer?' and I say, "hmm, that interesting..."

Lived in England all my life and I don’t get that reference. We make menus for customers? Not sure what you mean. Though I live in the less-cultured north where it’s cold and bitter and we wrestle dire wolves for sport.

She's funny and some of her observations have me laughing aloud. She's intelligent too. Her BA in Accounting aside, she's interested in literature and speaks a number of languages. Surprisingly, she even comments on the chess game unfolding on the coffee table, offering her thoughts on White's next move.

What strikes me most about Sorana, however, is her decisiveness. She seems focused and resilient, able to review and revise her plans, always keeping her bigger picture in mind. Her cleaning is a great example.

That right there is a lovely example of telling and not showing. You momentarily stop the conversation entirely and start summing it up. I’m actually warming to the characters and then poof. It’s gone. There’s also nothing worse than telling a reader “this character is funny” because it does absolutely fuck all for them. If you want to carry that across then have the character in question do or say something that makes the reader laugh. Lot of opportunity in this conversation to show everything you sum up here. This is the fucking meat of your story! Not random observations on the bloody bus!

The tour of the house that follows fares much better. I like Sorana and her confidence despite her lack of eloquence with the English language. She’s an interesting character and enough to vest my interest in. Nicely done. Just wish she’d shown up sooner! The story is finally seeming to come alive with her in it.

The detour into the shower fantasy was suitably kinky but I felt it was somewhat oddly placed. I occasionally admire a woman’s body but I rarely jet off into full-on erotic scenes in my head whilst I’m still holding a conversation with them. Maybe a little imagined kiss or wondering what she’d feel like against me, but not quite this much. It seems like he’d have been staring off into space for about 10 minutes to come up with all that… which is a bit weird.

Ok, got to the end now and I’m kind of annoyed that I had to read through all that drudgery only for you to stop just as it was getting interesting.

I think looking at this overall that you run into a fairly common problem that a lot of writers going at this sort of story come across. You want to portray someone with a dull life who has it livened up considerably by the events of the story. There’s nothing wrong with that at all, but like many writers before you, you’ve just gone a bit too far. Instead of simply showing me that a character is unfulfilled and living a dull life, you instead actually carry that dullness over to the reader and it turns into boredom. That’s a big no-no, and there’s plenty of ways to avoid it and still get across what you want to.

There was this great lecture I was listening to recently where the guy said that a lot of writer’s hear so much about the importance of the first sentence. It’s true of course, but it can lead to some misunderstandings. Like you started off great by planting us in the action, but it wasn’t really relevant to the story at all. The following shifts of focus left me feeling disoriented and unsure as to whether or not I should actually be paying attention or if what I was reading was just going to be more fluff that you were going to forget about in a few paragraphs.

Again, I know you were trying to set a scene and an atmosphere but that sort of shit is pointless without establishing a proper plotline or character. It doesn’t have to be the central plotline, but it does have to be one that’s important. You don’t have to tell me everything about the protagonist but I need to be interested in him.

You took a painfully long time in this story before those essential two elements of plot and character actually began to interest me and take shape. This is a bit of a shame because you’re fairly capable of crafting a sexy character judging from Sorana, who has the same effect on this story as a defibrillator. Your protagonist has an issue of being a bit of a “watcher”. I’ve talked about that issue before, but just to sum up: It’s a problem that comes across a lot in stories told from the first person, where the author is far too interested in everything going on around their narrator that they forget to actually properly characterise them. This isn’t a completely story-scuttling issue here, as you do offer some attempt to fill out Matt’s description and such, but his personality is a bit more difficult to grasp.

That’s pretty much all I’ve got to say about it, and I hope it was helpful!

Also, I'm sorry if there are any errors in this review. I usually run through them once or twice for errors and probably will do a bit later but Humans just came on so it's time for me to tune out.

 

[Scandilove]

Lien, big thanks for the feedback, it's much appreciated.

Some of your points are spot on and I'm particularly trying to work on developing plot and characters more quickly.

Thanks again,

S

 

[Cmdr_L]

Ey b0ss, mind taking a look at my latest effort; https://www.literotica.com/s/enemy-space ?
It's a sort of mild role-reversal thing with a military space opera setting, same universe as my other stories. Male human, female alien, other than that nothing too out there, I'm pretty vanilla.

I'm mostly interested in feedback on a couple of points, but anything you think would help is welcome too.

1) This is the first time I've done something first person, especially from the female perspective. I've made it a bit easy on myself by having a character that isn't human, but I'm curious if it comes off believable and natural.

2) I've always been a bit concerned about my dialogue. I don't know if it's just the Dunning-Kruger Effect, or if I legit have trouble writing natural dialogue, but it feels stiff and mechanical to me and I'm curious as to your thoughts.

3) This is sort of multiple points in one, but I'm curious if this story is comprehensible without reading the other ones, as well as whether I'm showing/telling too much or too little. The characters are all different (although I may have them cross paths in the future) but it's the same universe. I've also been told in the past that I spend too much time on the technical details of things and have too many infodumps, so I've been trying to restrain that but I don't know if I've gone too far or not far enough in that regard. I try to plop the reader directly into the universe and then slowly reveal how it works over the course of the story, but I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Thanks,
-Cmdr_L