Lien_Geller's Story Review Thread.

[Lien_Geller]

Enemy Space.

Alrighty then Cmdr_L, you asked for it. Here’s what I thought of Enemy Space.

Ha! Ok, this is interesting. You open with a paragraph of largely description and then shift to a more informal tone after stating that the opening was “boring”. The problem is that the reverse is actually true. Although I’m not usually crazy about opening with a descriptive piece of writing because a lot of writers don’t know how to write actively in that sense, you actually do it pretty damn well.

The opening line is: “The remains of the Siroco drifted silently through space.” That’s pretty good! As usual I say that good openings always pose a question to the reader, and my question here is “what the hell is a Siroco and what’s happened to it?” Drifting silently through space also creates a bit of an ominous mood, and it feels a bit like it’s some sort of ghost ship. I want to find out what this thing is, and why it’s silently drifting through space. The fact that you’ve named the ship (I’m presuming it’s a ship) also helps a lot. This thing is clearly something someone cared about enough to name it, and now it’s presumably in bad shape and lost in the empty vastness of space. It creates an atmosphere of tragedy and apprehension as we wonder what went on to put it in that position. This is all good stuff, though it sounds fairly simple. (Being "fairly simple" by the way, is not remotely a criticism. Getting this stuff across without any excess baggage is crucial to any opening, so keeping this shit streamlined is a good thing.) It successfully invests me in the story being told.

The paragraph that follows is also a pretty damn good example of how to do descriptive writing well. First you build on the empathy we have with the Siroco, and describe it in closer detail whilst filling in more of what it is and what happened to it. Then you build up the impending doom of the ship as it sinks toward the gas giant before another ship pops in to interact with it. You’ve successfully invested me in the fate of the Siroco and made me interested in the newcomer and what it’s going to do.

Well done.

Then you deem that entire well-written paragraph to be boring and instead offer me a casually-told infodump that reads like a history lesson from a character I don’t care about.

I mean, it’s as if the opening paragraph was some sort of metaphor for the story itself as something I was enjoying gets gutted and starts sinking toward some sort of inevitable doom.

Ok, first off, if you’re going to shift focus like that then you need to re-engage my interest in whatever you’re shifting focus to. Here I get a name and a rank from your character and then that’s it before we’re off into spouting sci-fi gibberish about a conflict I don’t care about in the most dull way imaginable. She’s on the USS Sabre, a ship that’s introduced with all the love and care of someone throwing a rock into the sea. After you successfully made me empathise with the Siroco and her fate, this is just soul destroying. Maybe if you’d actually planted my interest in the character herself first before you launched into lecture-mode I might be more agreeable to this sort of shit. You could have had her receiving her mission briefing and actually played out the scene itself showing her reaction to it and letting us get to know her better. But no, instead I get a load of what seems like background information dumped in the narrative. This is what’s boring. This right here.

I am literally having trouble reading about this without having my eyes glaze over.

Ha! After two paragraphs of awful exposition you actually say this:

So yeah, to get back to the story.

Self aware much? Please don’t ever leave the story in the first place. Sometimes what you did can work in shifting the tone, and stories that have a more informal narration from the first person can serve to inform the reader a great deal about the narrator. I think that’s what you were trying for here but you immediately scuttle any hope of that outcome with the soul-destroying infodump. There’s no flavour of the character there at all, just droning information. Do better.

Things start faring better again when we get back to the Siroco and your characters begin interacting. Although this does still feel slightly stale. There’s no opinions, thoughts or feelings being expressed here by your narrator. There’s no sense of character at all. It’s almost odd to read.

Also, although I know that this is part of a shared universe with your other stories, you’re very poor at establishing what exactly it is that your protagonist actually is. I know she’s an alien something, something. There’s just no real description of her at all. You say she’s beautiful, and I got a hint somewhere about red skin and a few less fingers but other than that I’m clueless. Description in erotica, especially of this sort, is crucial. Especially when you’re relying on a physical attraction between the characters to sell the sex.

After they find the human, things do get a bit better though as you come out of infodump more and we get to see a bit more of your characters through your dialogue. The issue is that again the protagonist hasn’t been well enough established for me to actually understand why she does the things she does. Why does she have a soft spot for humans? Why is she willing to believe an enemy combatant? You give me some reasons in a practical sense, but there’s no hint of giving me any sort of clue as to why her character would respond the way she does.

In fact, so far the entire crux of them getting together is that she wonders what it’d be like to screw a human. That’s really, really superficial.

Hey wait! Finally I’m half way through and you drop a giant block of description about your protagonist! The casual way it’s worded helps, but this is once again a big infodump. The story stops dead whilst you blurge it all over the reader, and that’s annoying. You could have introduced it in the interaction between them to make it more intimate and active. You could have shown his reaction to her face earlier and actually described her face then, before she takes her helmet off and he gets a proper look at her. Then move to her fun bits as she strips out of her clothes later. Giving the description in more bite size chunks along with actual active interaction goes down much better than just dumping a block of descriptive text in a paragraph like that.

The sex was alright, although your paragraph separation could have been a bit easier on the eye. Nothing hugely wrong, but thick paragraphs don’t work as well on the Lit viewing platform. Yours aren’t terrible, but some get on the large side.

Overall it’s not something I’m all that interested in due to the shallow characters and poorly established motivations for the eventual sex.

To answer your questions:

1) This is the first time I've done something first person, especially from the female perspective. I've made it a bit easy on myself by having a character that isn't human, but I'm curious if it comes off believable and natural.

You don’t run into many technical faults that I can see, but you don’t remotely capitalise on what first person storytelling offers in terms of characterisation. I didn’t know much about Maara when the story began and I don’t really feel I know much about her now. Good characters can walk off the page. For example I can imagine myself sitting down with Gandalf and I would be able to think about how our conversation would go. I think I’d know how he’d act and what he might say. I don’t get that impression at all with Maara. I mean, ok, I know Gandalf is iconic, and I don’t expect that degree of characterisation from a new writer but it’s just that there’s nothing at all for me to grasp on to with her. I don’t really know her and if I don’t know her I can’t care about her or what happens to her. Flesh out her personality more. It’s not that you’re not doing it badly, it’s that you’re barely doing it at all.

2) I've always been a bit concerned about my dialogue. I don't know if it's just the Dunning-Kruger Effect, or if I legit have trouble writing natural dialogue, but it feels stiff and mechanical to me and I'm curious as to your thoughts.

I didn’t notice any worryingly stiff dialogue. Again, this is more your lack of characterisation coming back to haunt you. It’s like you’re writing toward the pair of them fucking without paying any thought to why they’d want to fuck each other except for the most superficial reasons. There’s no deeper connection between them at all. I’m not even asking for something immensely deep here either, just some spark of affection that shows why she’d like the guy other than that he’s attractive. If you establish stuff like this then the dialogue writes itself.

Ok, to give an example, rather than just have the crew recover him, you could have had the crew do that and then clear out after securing his ship. Then she could have downloaded some of the ship’s basic data to get some background on him. If you don’t want her to have full access then just say that the damage to the ship corrupted a lot of the system, but she could recover some files about him. Then she might go wandering to where he sleeps and find out a bit more about him. Sure he’s an indentured servant, but he might have some pictures, music, games.

Then in the interrogation she recovers them for him and asks about his family and it’s revealed they share a common interest in the music, game, movie, whatever. Shift that toward flirtation, and then toward sex and a deeper connection between them is established. This isn’t fucking rocket science!

3) This is sort of multiple points in one, but I'm curious if this story is comprehensible without reading the other ones, as well as whether I'm showing/telling too much or too little. The characters are all different (although I may have them cross paths in the future) but it's the same universe. I've also been told in the past that I spend too much time on the technical details of things and have too many infodumps, so I've been trying to restrain that but I don't know if I've gone too far or not far enough in that regard. I try to plop the reader directly into the universe and then slowly reveal how it works over the course of the story, but I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Ugh, this one’s a doozy. You’re telling far too much and not showing enough. You often let setting trump plot and character, which is a bad idea. Plopping the reader directly into the universe and slowly revealing how it works over the course of the story is definitely a good thing, but that’s not remotely what you do here. You rely on infodumps too much and don’t seem to know how to fold setting into story in more manageable, bite sized chunks. I’ve said this before but setting is salt and pepper. It’s spice. It can add a hell of a lot to a story, but no one wants to eat a big block of the stuff by itself.

Character. Plot. These are the things you need to focus on. Particularly making sense of character motivation, and establishing realistic personalities. I can see a good writer straining to get out in this story, but I think you need to shift your focus a bit in order to let go of the anchors that are bogging you down. Make me care about the protagonist, invest me in what she’s doing, then tell me about the world she’s in. In that order.

Right then, rant over and good luck with your next effort! Don’t be too put off by what I’ve said here because although you run into a lot of problems, there are plenty of dents in those problems where a zillion writers have run into them before. Good sci-fi is not an easy thing to write, but I get the feeling that with a few shifts in your attitude that you could definitely take a decent swing at it.

 

[Cmdr_L]

Fair enough. I had suspected most of these criticisms would be leveled, but it's good to read them fleshed out.

Some of the corrections seem pretty easy to make, cut down way more on the infodumps, restrain my inner worldbuilder more, and describe the characters slower, and earlier. Basically spread out the exposition more and use less of it? I suspect a lot of this is me struggling with how to do this in the first person, if my initial 3rd person stuff was good. I'll probably just abandon first person entirely to be honest, because I'm at a loss for how to correct these things in that style.

The lack of characterization worries me. Do you have any advice for how to develop those skills? Or should I just give up now and stick to worldbuilding for other people.

 

[Lien_Geller]

Ok, well first of all, giving up is for assholes. Don’t be an asshole. ^_^

Although there were problems in your work for me, I’m just one voice, and there’s sweet bugger all to stop you from putting in the effort and getting better. What’s more I meant what I said when I saw a good writer in the making who just needs to get the fuck out of his own way. Concentrate more on the former part of that statement and less on the latter. Work hard. Get better. It’s that simple.

To respond to you in more detail I’d say instead of “cut down on infodumps”, how about “remove infodumps entirely”? You can get information across in sci-fi and fantasy without dumping it all in its own paragraph. Use conversation, plot points, events, character opinion and motivation as your meat and infuse them with your world building. Instead of saying this: “Right, the reader needs to know about Blorgons. Let’s dedicate a paragraph to telling them everything humanly possible about Blorgons.” Try thinking more along the lines of “Ok, soon there’s going to be a Blorgon showing up in my story. Let’s create an interesting introductory scene where the Blorgon does something relevant to the plot. Brilliant. Whilst I do that I can describe a little of what he looks like. Then maybe he gets into a conversation with my protagonist and I can inform the reader a bit more about the Blorgon race and show my character’s opinion of them through the dialogue. Then the Blorgon’s going to leave in a chase, so I can focus on the action and show how fast Blorgon space ships are.” This way there’s no infodumping, just informing the reader what’s going on through events in the plot and deepening characterisation.

If you’re struggling with the first person then that’s fine. Some people do. Write more of it to get better at it. When I’m talking about a lack of character, I mostly mean that the character feels like a bit of a void of personality. There’s some things showing through like her formal military orders, and later on her flirty attitude. The problem is that these things are very common in the genre’s of erotica and sci-fi. They seem to be her only real personality traits, so she comes across as very generic as a result. There’s also little personality put through to the reader in the narrative.

I always think when I’m writing in the first person that I’m acting out my character. Not in a writery setting either. They’re usually not sat at a desk scribbling away when I picture it in my head. Instead, they’re sat across a table from my reader having a conversation with them. The downside to this approach is that you can sometimes get a bit too informal and it starts to sound weird, but you get oodles of the character’s personality showing through.

Also, doing this well is not an easy task and if you’re struggling with it then that’s fine. If you’re struggling then you’re working and if you’re working then you’re probably getting better at what you’re trying to do.

More specific advice would be to instead of picking one jackass at random who spouts his opinions too loudly and sometimes too viciously, try selecting a few beta readers. These don’t have to be editors in the strictest sense. Just people who you think have interesting things to say about what you’re trying to do. Give your stories to them and see if they come to any overall consensuses on any issues you might be having.

Lastly, just to reiterate, it is not my intention when I do these reviews to put anyone off writing. If you’re considering it because of what I’ve said then fucking ignore me! What the hell do I know!? I take the tone I do because I think of it as laying down a challenge to the writers who ask for my opinion. I don’t do it to try and scare them off.

So stick with it and get better, then come back one day and kick my overly-critical ass with an awesome story!

 

[KindofHere]

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[Kimikimidoll]

Look whose head is up next in the guillotine

I'll try not to be a too big of a crybaby about it: https://www.literotica.com/s/ayakashi-pt-01

A few comments on the characters and the overall tone of the writing would also be nice. I'm worried that I'm disengaging the reader too much, and also for positing a 'story' on an erotica site.

 

[Lien_Geller]

Ayakashi

Alright then, we’re off to the races with Kimikimidoll’s Ayakashi. Let’s rock.

Okay, that author’s note just reeks of low confidence in what you’re doing. It also sounds a bit passive aggressive. Not exactly something that makes me excited to actually read the damn thing. In my experience, the Sci-Fi/Fantasy crowd here don’t really care that much about whether it’s a story that has sex in it or a sex scene that has story around it. Look at the top lists in the category and there aren’t many one-and-done sex stories in there. They’re all long-form stories with sex involved.

So I have no fucking idea why authors consistently feel the need to tell me that their story is more of a story. It just feels pretentious. What were you thinking of starting out a story by saying:

This story contains killing, sadness, and a lot of other terrible things.

This just makes me think: “Does she actually want me to read this? Should I just go?”

(Having read the story, I actually think putting in something like this is worthwhile, but don’t be so blunt about it. There’s also some good writing going on here, and some interesting characters. Just blurting out everything people might not like about your story isn’t exactly building confidence. Maybe try something like: “This story contains extreme violence, and deals with subjects some may find uncomfortable.”)

Moving on to the actual story, I do quite like your opening paragraph. Although I’d swap your first and second sentences around. The second one actually sets the scene and gives me the relevant information whilst throwing the hook. (What happened to the town?) The first actually sounds contradictory to the tone of what you seem to be going for. “The air was still” conjures up a calm and relaxed environment before you go onto describe the aftermath of a battle. Saying it after you’ve established that would add a chilling finality to it and work much better IMO.

All in all though it’s not bad, though descriptive writing isn’t the best way to open a story because it never really feels active. I’d much rather be caught up in a scene than feel like I’m witnessing it through a picture frame, if you see my point. Still, you have managed to catch my interest and that’s what’s important.

A few small things to note:

Taadaki Saburo was an old comrade of his, and they had seen through many battles together (too purple?)

Is that note in brackets there a note to yourself? If it is then it’s best not to leave these sorts of things in the text. If it’s not, then I have no idea what you’re saying here. Were the battles very purple?

On the whole though, your opening is done rather well. There were some moments when I felt it was getting a bit expositiony through the dialogue, but you deftly filled it out with good characterisation. I liked that you added the jokes, the opinions and the feelings of the warriors and flavoured them with their own characteristics. This is not an easy dance to pull off properly, and although I felt one or two little stumbles (that I can put down to personal taste), it’s actually pretty darn impressive.

My only criticism is that you tend to introduce groups of characters at once. This makes some of the dialogue hard to follow. Although this might also be compounded from the fact that I’m English and I’m having some trouble remembering the Japanese names. I don’t come across guys called Sentomaru very often and every time I look at his name I tend to have to pause and pronounce it in my head. This is absolutely not your fault, but I just thought I’d mention it because it is having an effect on me as a reader. It’s also compounded by the actual problem you have of introducing multiple characters at the same time which usually makes it difficult to latch on to anyone. This problem is also enhanced by everyone I’ve met in your story so far being a bit of an asshole. ^_^ Again, this isn’t really your fault as you’re trying to accurately portray the actions of a victorious army in a very vicious time period. I admire that you’re not balking away from it, and I think overall you’re handling it very well in terms of not being too gratuitous whilst also not glossing over the issue. It’s just that it also makes it more difficult to actually root for anyone, which makes it more difficult to care about any of them.

No single one of these issues would be a hindrance to me, but all of them together are making me a bit muddled as to who’s who.

Going forward I have discovered that this story is just not my idea of a good time, but since it’s also not very long I decided to just steel myself and power through to the end for you.

I didn’t like it, but that was more due to the subject matter than the quality of the writing. On the whole I found the writing to fall between good and very good. I’d say that in terms of characterisation, you probably want to focus up on who your main characters are right from the get-go. I spent a lot of time flailing here, and although the characters were well characterised with their own personalities, I never felt like I was getting inside any of their heads. I was witness to their action, but the only hint I got toward their motivation was that they had done all this for a better strategic position.

I’m not saying that’s not a good reason, but it makes it harder to connect with why these guys are the way they are. You could just argue “that’s history” but that’s just bad storytelling. If you’re telling a story you should establish your characters motivations so we can better connect with them.

The tone of the writing itself is definitely above average at its worst, and I’d be happy to see any non-rapey/ mass-murdery stories you might have to offer in the future.

Finally, I will say that I do feel somewhat miffed at you for offering this story up to me after I specifically told you I don’t review stories that contain significant noncon/reluctance elements. This story is very strong in those themes to me, and made me uncomfortable reading it. I’m mentioning this because: 1 – Don’t bloody well do it again! And 2 – I skim-read through some of it so I didn’t give you as much of a review as I normally do.

Still, hope this was helpful to you.

 

[Kimikimidoll]

Lol, I feel I got off easy...

I agree with you, my author's note makes me sound like an asshole. That's because Lit rejected my story for being a bit too violent, and that made me sad and while editing I kind of let my emotions spill all over the place. My bad. I didn't go for the more 'professional' sounding one because I thought, hey, this is not gonna be in a book. I'm not writing professionally, I can say what I want... but that's on me, completely.

I ran this through a few readers and some pointed out that this was not sticking to the actual feudal Japan history. Trust me, they made a big deal out of the fact that I dared put a table in a scene (because feudal Japan didn't have tables? I dunno, I tried to find out...) I then realized there will always be nit-picky people like that, will never enjoy a green flying elephant because 'physics'. It's fantasy, damnit, deal with it. Hence the warning.

Yes, the purple was a note to my editor. Aaahhhh, pie in my face *hides in shame*

Yes, I found it jarring to write those names as well. Maybe I'll stick to smaller names, it'd become easier. And yeah, we don't know any of the characters personally yet.. but I'll do it soon, promise. It sounds like I'm making excuses, but I just want to say, you're right- because that's the thing I was going for. I don't want the readers to root for anyone yet, I just want them to see them. They'll be able to make that decision later.

But I will defend myself slightly for the noncon bit - there was one sex scene and I don't think anyone was raping anyone. There were two implied scenes, both ending in murder- but how do you know that the sex was forced? Hina had sex willingly so she could murder a soldier out of hot-blooded revenge. At the scene at the girls' house, no one was cowering away from the other. Maybe you mean they were 'forced' into the situation to save their own lives?
As for the scene in the shrine... how do you know what had happened?

Still, thank you for reviewing my story so quickly, really. I wanted to try my hand at something really different (not non con!). I hope it didn't leave too much of a bad taste in your mouth

 

[ReGats]

Huh. Another review thread. May as well toss my story into it, and see how it do.

The Story: Black Pearls - Ochia
The Story Link: https://www.literotica.com/s/black-pearls-ochia

Details: The story is a mixture of genres, having elements of nonhuman and fantasy in it, and is definitely Lesbian.
My biggest concerns are... well, anything besides grammar. I'm not confident in my character making skills, have worries about my plotting prowess, and am concerned about the story's pace and language. I'm worried that my characters are alienating to its readers, I fear for plot holes, and I dread the for the story's quality. Yes, it's gotten good scores thus far, but I'm 90 percent certain that that is a fluke.
One last note: This story is part of a series, but I've tried to make it stand alone. It's just connected to the previous parts in something we would like to consider a chronological order that hopefully doesn't bear much on the reading order. Besides growth in skill.

Thank you sincerely in advance.

 

[KindofHere]

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-junkies-tale-ch-01

try this again.

 

[Lien_Geller]

01 A Junkies' Tale

Hey KindofHere, I'm very sorry to do this to you after making you wait this long, but I just can't review your story. I'm sorry, but I just found it far too depressing in its tone. It's totally down to my personal taste, but... ugh. I just can't get past the first page. Not my idea of a good time at all. Sorry!

 

[KindofHere]

..............

 

[Hogwash]

Lien,

I would appreciate your thoughts and comments on my Alphia Corp story. I am working on chapters 5-8 now but would really appreciate comment and criticism on the story to date. Please do take a look at chapter 1 for me.

Much appreciated.

https://www.literotica.com/s/alphia-corporation-ch-01

- hogwash

 

[Lien_Geller]

Black Pearls - Ochia

Christmas has passed, along with the New Year, and I have once again successfully fended off several monumental hangovers. Time to get back to the grind. So next up is Regats’ Black Pearls – Ochia.

On the whole, I quite like your introduction. Starting out with establishing setting in the port of ships is a bit bland, but you do descriptive writing pretty well on the whole. It’s just about enough to keep me invested in what’s going on. Although you set the scene well from a descriptive standpoint, I do feel that the opening should probably be more active if you want to plant my attention properly. Rather than just describing the scene, for example, you could work to establish mood. Is the approach of the ship ominous in some way? Is there an air of mystery about it? Is it limping to shore for relief and rest after a long journey? I feel that more focus here would do better to get my attention where it needs to be (aligned with the goals of the protagonist). Instead, I get a lot of well described setting and a fairly well designed character description, but I’m several paragraphs in now and I’m not all that bothered by what they’re actually doing.

A much smaller issue that slightly confused me was the mention of Shella’s large feet. You mention this before you say that she’s some sort of half-human half-fish creature. On my reading of it I just imagined her as a human with some whopping stompers.

When Shella heads into the tavern I think the story picks up the pace a bit. It feels more like stuff’s happening. You handle dialogue well too, and manage to toe the line well between making it feel genuine whilst keeping it readable. That’s not as easy as it sounds, so well done!

Whilst I’m in a complimenting mood, I also enjoy your character descriptions. As I said before, I feel that they would be strengthened by the story being a little more active in terms of their characterisation. That being said, when you do describe Shella, and Hawwa (btw, that sounds less like a name and more like a noise I’d make if I saw an incredibly attractive woman. Although that just could be an issue of mine,) your writing is very good. So to be clear I’m not saying you should cut down on the description, but maybe work on balancing it in with more story elements. Remember, even if you’re a descriptive maestro, just writing descriptive stuff by itself pretty much stops the story pacing dead. Keep things more active and have your characters doing interesting things whilst you pepper in the description around it.

The walls of the cavern eventually were illuminated by a green glow, issued from glowing swollen bubbles that were in seaweed growing in the cave. None of the junk from outside had made it into the sea cave. Instead, the walls eventually gave way to rocky shelves on which fish skeletons, discarded crab shells, and other tokens of life that wasn't in this world sat. Those in turn gave way to metal trinkets, lockets rusted open and showing pictures of noble bearded sailors and young women in fine dresses. Gold coins of every conceivable make and mold were put on display, joined by silver coins. Golden and silver chalices, crosses, and other trinkets joined them, as more and more shelves occupied the walls top to bottom. Soon, spyglasses, sextants, compasses, and even a tiny sailing ship inside a glass bottle had appeared amongst the vast collection.

Finally, the cavern hall swelled into an open room. Glowing seaweed grew from the edges, covering more shelves full of lost nautical dreams. Above, the water sloshed into an open-air chamber. In the center of the room, surrounded by stunted glowing seaweeds, a desk made out of stone was surrounded by nets holding glass bottles, fish spines, animal bones and more things right out of a witch's cauldron. Ochia's tentacles pulsed one last time, putting her in the center of the room and letting her curl herself amidst the arcane collection. "Let's see you now, shall we?" she flaunted.

This right here is an example of what I mean. Two huge paragraphs filled with almost nothing but description at a time when the meeting of a sea-witch is imminent. I wanna meet the sea witch! I wanna see what she has to say and how Shella’s going to interact with her. Instead of that, I get a lull in the moment as you take me on an interior design journey of the room.

Again, it’s not that the description is bad, far from it. It’s that there’s just a fucking huge block of it when you’re successfully building up to an interesting moment. It reads like going over a speed bump just as I’m turning onto the motorway. The pacing should be trying to get me going faster, not slowing me to a crawl.

Ok, so I’m now half way down the second page and a word popped into my head that I’d probably use to describe the story so far: Meandering.

At first I thought it was just the description that was slowing things down for me, but on reflection it’s more than that. Shella’s actions just aren’t that compelling. Her characterisation is fine, (although once again I’ll mention that she could be more active) but she’s just not doing anything that I’m interested in. The women she meets are pretty enough, but they’re not doing anything compelling either. Most of the encounters she’s had up until this point have just been real anticlimaxes.

There’s a young woman struggling to make ends meet who comes into contact with a charming rogue. “Ok, just head on over to my ship and hang around there. K thx bye!”

There’s a mysterious mermaid who our protagonists wakes up with and has no memory of how she got there. Her reaction? “Wow. I have a hangover. Let’s go get me a cure.”

She meets a mysterious sea witch in her lair. What happens? “Here’s a hangover cure, enjoy! Also we should totally have sex at some point that isn’t now. I’ll pencil you in later.”

You’re setting up a lot of interesting situations but there’s just no conflict or payoff in any of them. It just reads like Shella wandering about aimlessly doing some rather mundane tasks. Drinking. Waking up. Getting a hangover cure. So where’s the plot hook here? What am I supposed to be invested in? What’s the goal of the story that’s going to make me want to see how it ends. I mean for crying out loud at this point she’s had sex with a fucking mermaid and you just glossed over it. “No, no, Lien. Never mind about hot kinky times with a gorgeous fantasy creature, let’s instead follow Shella as she makes a sandwich!” < That is where I feel this story is going next.

Then we get onto the sex scene and as I suspected from your flair for descriptive writing, it’s pretty darn good! This is an area where you can feel free to let that particular talent off the leash, as being more descriptive about what’s going on in that situation adds to the action rather than detracting from it. It works for you very well.

I also liked the dynamic between Shella and Ochia once it finally got going. I think you might have been better explaining her issues with tentacles before the first encounter so that we can better relate to her predicament as she goes through it. The sex scene that followed was good, and the character relationship felt pretty natural. My only issue with it was that the initial attraction was a bit bland. “You’re hot. I’m hot. Let’s have a shag.” < That was pretty much it. As a sea witch it might have been fun for Ochia to sense some element of Shella’s curse and want to be closer to her out of curiosity. Then spin the attraction out of that. I think that element of attraction could be paid more attention to, as I can see why these women are both attractive but I don’t know what makes them attracted to each other. That’s pretty important and it feels a bit like you’ve overlooked it.

Ok, I’ve just finished it so let’s look back over the whole thing and see what we can see.

Other than what I’ve already mentioned. I think you run into a bit of an issue in that this doesn’t feel like a one-off story. Things like Shella’s curse and whatever the hell Lily is should probably have been covered in more detail from the beginning. Telling me what the curse was from the off would have given the story more direction, as it gives more meaning as to why Shella wants to sleep with people. If I realised that was the goal of the plot, it would have felt less like it was meandering.

Given your habit of over-describing, I was surprised that I only figured out Lily was part of a ship (I think?) at the end. That could actually really have done with being clarified at the beginning. Maybe I accidentally missed you mentioning something important, but it felt odd.

As to your questions:

You’re about half way towards really good characterisation. You are very good with description, as I’ve already said. I think you just need to figure out how to weave that talent into a more actively told narrative. Characters enable us to engage with plot, but plot is what makes us care about characters. It’s not just about what your characters look like. It’s about what they’re doing and how they interact with their surroundings and the elements of the story. In the beginning of this story you really seem to struggle with this element of storytelling, although it does get better towards the end.

There also needs to be more of a plot hook. More of a sense of direction, to counter the effect of meandering that goes on here. I didn’t fully get introduced to the central problem Shella was facing until half way through the bloody story for crying out loud!

I also think you could make your early scenes a little more eventful. Like I said, there are so many interesting situations you created there that read as a series of huge anticlimaxes. How about something along these lines?

In the bar where Shella meets the golem girl, she could actually get into a fight with one of the men who gets a little too friendly without invitation. You could use that to bring in some much-needed action and establish Shella as a competent brawler. (If she is. I’m not sure.)

You could actually describe a drunken meeting with a mermaid. That could have a lot of comedy value, and maybe a hint of danger as we don’t know if the mermaid is wanting to hurt a vulnerable sailor or if she just wants to have her wicked way with her.

As she’s meeting the sea witch, she could show up during a spell, or maybe something monstrous from the depths of the ocean could escape out of the cave. That would enhance the witch’s sense of power and mystery as she deals with the depths. Then you could even undercut it by having the witch show up after and say something like: “Huh? Oh, that was just Barry. Don’t mind him. He wanted a potion to put a little more wood in his mast. Come in!”

Again, I’m not trying to re-write your story for you here. I just think something like what I’ve just mentioned could enliven the story and inform the reader on the characters more than the descriptions you tend to rely on. Though just to re-iterate, don’t lose the descriptions wholly, just balance them with other characterisation techniques. Also, all of those scenarios have an element of conflict that the reader can readily invest in. That can make a story feel a lot more lively.

All that said, this story definitely wasn’t bad. This review is more oriented towards suggestions of fine-tuning rather than trying to correct thoroughly rookie mistakes. I do think you could do with a few slight adjustments, but you’re definitely not even approaching “bad”. It’s just a few minor issues that I think you need to pay attention to that could make you a whole lot better.

Anyhoo, those were my thoughts as I thunked them. Hope they were helpful!

 

[ReGats]

Christmas has passed, along with the New Year, and I have once again successfully fended off several monumental hangovers. Time to get back to the grind. So next up is Regats’ Black Pearls – Ochia.

(If I really quoted all of this, I'd be an arse-hole.)

Anyhoo, those were my thoughts as I thunked them. Hope they were helpful!

I wish this forum had a like button.

But yeah, Meandering is definitely my fault. I self-sabotaged myself early on in this series, as I wanted to have, and created, a world where I could throw any conceivable pairings, and relations greater than pairings, together. The way I did this shot myself in the foot so hard because there wasn't much way I could come up with conflict and I insisted on my sex scenes not being back-to-back.

 

[RandyVicar]

Lien:

I'd appreciate a review of my story How I Became a Cad:

https://www.literotica.com/s/how-i-became-a-cad

 

[thewriterjames]

Lien, would you mind reviewing my story? I have some ideas for one or more sequels but would like feedback before starting. It's an Erotic Couplings story with a slow build up to sex. There is a scene of nonconsent that does not actually occur; I used it to progress the story.

Also, I'll make sure to use an editor for the sequels.

https://www.literotica.com/s/james-and-mare-a-story-of-love

 

[Lien_Geller]

Alphia Corporation

Heya guys! Sorry my rate of posting up on this thread has taken a bit of a hit. Got some gloom and doom in my personal life going on at the minute. I’m also nearing the end of a very long chapter of one of my own stories to the point where I can almost see the finish line. So a lot of my spare time is going toward that. I’m still here though, admittedly often lurking. I haven’t stopped posting up here, it’s just slowed down for a bit. Will still get to everyone eventually as long as catastrophe doesn’t strike.

Let’s get the fuck on with it then and check out Alphia Corporation Ch. 01 by Hogwash.

Full disclosure: Loving wives is an acquired taste and it’s not really one of mine, and I think that’s at least partially the reason that your opening paragraphs kind of read like a steadily deflating balloon for me. The opening lines aren’t bad. They don’t really pose a significant question to the reader, but their directness kind of makes up for that. We’re immediately thrown into the midst of an important discussion, and it kind of sweeps you along for the ride which is good.

I suppose the main reason I found the paragraphs a bit dull is because they’re very predictable. The writing is fine, but it’s a story in Loving Wives and the main character is being given a secretive offer that will involve him and his wife. Gasp! Whatever could that offer be? Will they have to circumnavigate the world on a speedboat? Be the first couple to have sex in space? Sacrifice a ferret to the dark lord Xarathos? Oh, wait, no, they’ll just have to fuck other people. Whoda seen that coming!?

Another storytelling issue that’s making this difficult for me is that although your opening is fairly good at getting me into the conversation, you’re going over the deal too quickly and in too much detail. I don’t know anything about Sam or Gary. I have no investment in either of them, so why should I care about the fine details of what’s about to happen to one of them? By “fine details” I mean the terms of the deal which you go into to the point where it feels less like you’re trying to keep my interest and more like you’re trying to defend your premise.

I do have some degree of sympathy with you though, because Loving Wives is a category where I imagine you’d need a lot of explanation of “the arrangement”. Especially when you’re jumping into it like this. It’s just that if you want to plant my interest in the details of a contract then you first need to get me interested in at least one of the signatories first. The first sign I get that Sam might actually be interested in the deal is:

"Correct, sexual access," Gary confirmed. "In recent years, what with the advancement of women in corporate culture and all, we have altered the arrangement terms to include sexual access to the senior management member and his or her spouse."

"Holy shit!" Sam said, his cock rock hard.

Now that’s literally leading me into it prow first.

”Hey, baby. I cooked pasta! What do you think of it?”

“I have an erection.”

“Er, ok then, mom? Dad? How about you guys?”

Y’know what I mean? It just feels like you’re jumping the gun in terms of enthusiasm and it comes off as slightly inappropriate to the tone of what’s going on.

The idea of him having to fellate his bosses and share his wife with them was also just a non-starter for me, so I won’t bother commenting on it other than to say: Lien no-likey.

The dual perspectives of Sam and Carrie were interesting, but again a lot of it was centred around a kink that I’m just not that into in the first place.

I think that’s basically my issue with this. It’s fairly competently written, but everything about the story revolves around the kink. There’s no real story or characterisation beyond that. Which doesn’t exactly leave me much to review here. I’ve said it before but writing like this isn’t wrong by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m just a bit confused as to what else you want me to say about it. Perhaps you go deeper into the characters in the later chapters, but since the first one wasn’t remotely my cup of tea then I’m sorry but I won’t be getting that far.

So this’ll be a shorter one than usual! Sorry, as I said it’s not really the quality of the writing but the subject matter that’s turning me off here. If any other readers of this thread want to chime in then feel free to help Hogwash out!

 

[Lien_Geller]

How I became a Cad

Back again, this time taking a run at RandyVicar’s How I Became a Cad.

Cue the shotgun loading noise. Again, I review and spark off my opinions as I read the story to give a fresh opinion on it as it gets digested. That reads a lot grosser than I meant it to, but you see what I mean.

So, your opening isn’t the worst I’ve seen but you could definitely do better. It’s not terribly written but we are wading knee-deep into “bland as fuck” territory here. I think the main problem is that you want to infuse the narrative with the personality of the narrator. That’s fine, and you do it well. The problem is that your narrator sounds bored as all hell with what he’s talking about. His internship seems like an ominous gauntlet of boredom and monotony that he or she will have to traverse.

It also took you a freakishly long time before I could figure out where the narrator was a man or a woman.

It really makes me want to see what happens next! I love me some boredom and monotony. I’m just not sure it’ll resonate with a wider audience.

There’s also the problem in that the opening paragraphs are basically a history lesson. Now, again, you don’t run into the issues a lot of people do here. I like that the personality of the narrator does carry through, and you strike the right tone in getting just the right amount of a casual approach to the text to make it sound like someone’s talking to me off the cuff. It’s just that it’s history. It’s passive. Nothing’s really happening. This shit is hard enough to do when the history you’re talking about is actually interesting and this just isn’t. It’s dull and a bit whiney. You’re basically starting out by pissing and moaning about having to get a bland job.

So why the fuck should I keep reading this again?

You see my point? Plant interest right from the beginning. Do something more active. I get what you’re going for here, but as an opening it just doesn’t work to spark my curiosity in any way. I’m not interested in what the character has to say, I’m not interested in what they’re doing, I don’t really care about finding out more. You don’t get a big chance to do this at the beginning of a story, so do it better and don’t waste it!

The introduction and description of Barbara was much better. It’s nothing I’d consider wildly ground-breaking but you get the beats of good character introduction right. Rather than giving me a description that someone would give to the police, (he was 6ft tall, black hair, blue eyes, and unshaven.) You actually select elements of her appearance that reinforce her character. Some of it is a bit lazy though:

"Fuck you, asshole," she said with her eyes.

I think there are better ways to put this. Opening the speech marks makes me think I’m reading actual speech, so to be told she only said it with her eyes feels a bit clunky. I also don’t quite know what you were trying to do telling me passively that she had a respectable rack. I mean, it’s not exactly an erotic thing to hear, and it doesn’t add much to her character to point it out. Either make this stuff a thing, or leave it out.

Still though, this isn’t bad. Just focus a bit more on what you want to put across and don’t get side-tracked (or let your reader get side-tracked.)

The note about her rack or what her ass looked like under the flannel sort of comes out of nowhere. You need to more firmly set up a degree of attraction between your protagonist and Barbara before you get into this. I don’t think it’s exactly normal for people to meet someone and then start immediately assessing their boobs and their butt. (It might be if said body parts were being prominently displayed, or if the protagonist felt a spark of attraction, but that’s not the feeling I get here.) Either establish that the guy is a bit of an asshole first in that regard, or work to show that he’s attracted to women like Barbara before you have him start commenting on body parts. Otherwise it sounds a bit cheap. I’m also not exactly simmering with arousal at the idea of a “nice rack” or “what her ass looked like under all that flannel” so I’m just saying: Either do the thing or don’t do the thing. Don’t half-ass it.

This also carries on with him jerking off at work and at home. Again, it comes out of the blue. Until now I haven’t really felt he had a hyperactive sex drive and jerking it at work is not something I’d consider normal behaviour. So… huh? < That there is the feeling it left me with. Is that where I’m supposed to be right now? It’s ok if your guy’s a letch, but you should establish it properly because now it feels like a bit of a swerve.

The appearance of Marie is a bit of a swerve too (until now I’d assumed we were going for some Barbara luvvin’) but it’s not so bad. Again though, you sort of feel like you’re skipping through a lot of stuff. There could be more of a flirtation, more teasing. Something. You also skip over a lot of the conversation and that’s where the meat and potatoes of this kind of thing happens. It’s like “Here’s the tits, nice curves, bum squeeze, give me a wank will you?” and that’s it.

There’s also the problem at this point of a lack of characterisation of your protagonist. I get a hint of his attitude in the narration, but you don’t focus on him enough to really let me feel like I know him. It doesn’t help that he’s a guy who jerks off in bathrooms at work and doesn’t exactly come off as likable. I’m not saying that he has to be likable, but if you’re going for an unlikable protagonist then generally speaking you have to make him or her about 3x more interesting to account for that lack of natural empathy with the reader. Your guy just comes off as a vaguely sarcastic blank slate with a rampant sex drive.

At one point, Marie asks:

"Heh. I was completely out of line. I was attracted to you the moment I saw you in my doorway, and I needed to know more about you. I loved the way you handled yourself while I was asking you all those personal questions. You're smart, funny, and hot. But I still haven't decided whether you're as remarkable as you seem, or if you're just a charming psychopath."

Now that sticks in my craw because if he’s supposed to be this attractive, charming guy who’s smart and funny then I need you to fucking show me that!!! You can’t just dump it in a dialogue like that without any real build-up. Do the bloody work! So far you’ve told me he’s a pervy guy with an inappropriate wanking problem. Now I’m supposed to believe he’s Casanova? Do better!

Right then, after a competently written, albeit frustrating beginning and middle, your finale is just… weird. I think I’m supposed to come out of this story with the idea that Jay was a jerk. Ok. I get that. It’s just that you don’t really show me any other side of him to bring about the internal conflict I think you’re going for. You’re big point here seems to be to say he’s a jerk, and I kind of knew that already. It’s not exactly the surprise twist you seem to be aiming for.

The sex is also far too brief a thing to really make up for it. If I felt “wow, these two are real fire-crackers in the sack!” then the ending would have some tragedy to it. I certainly don’t feel like they have any real feelings for each other based on what you’ve written. I know you say stuff about love, but it doesn’t feel earned in their actual interactions.

So that’s it. I’m done. Hrm… What to say about this one? First off, you’ll notice that a lot of the stuff I’ve been yelling at you about doesn’t fall on the technical side of things. I’m not picking up on any really huge errors that break immersion in the story. It’s mostly stuff on the “higher end” of the scale that you seem to be struggling with. Effective characterisation, under-written scenes, plotting that doesn’t quite land in its apparent purpose. You’re getting there, and this is the shit that’s hard to get right. So don’t beat yourself up too much.

I think if I could say one thing to you it would be don’t be afraid of writing up your scenes properly. If a scene lasts six paragraphs, is it really worth mentioning? If it is, then why is it important and have you covered that element (or elements) properly? Again, I’ll draw your attention back to the scene where Marie and Jay meet for the first time and you basically gloss over their conversation, only to tell me that he came across as really funny and charming later on.

The classic show, don’t tell advice also pops into mind here. Don’t say that Jay is funny, have him do or say something that makes your reader laugh. You’re going in the right direction with this in terms of character description, but again you don’t really elaborate enough for me to get a proper feel for who the characters are.

All that build up for the story to crumble apart at the end because the main guy is a jerk is also a bit of an anticlimax. Largely, as I’ve said, because that’s all I thought he was. You didn’t exactly hide it, and you didn’t create any real excitement for the relationship in showing the connection, attraction or any real kind of spark between the lovers.

What I’m left with isn’t very much at all. So I can’t really say anything nice about the story, but it does show a writer who’s beginning to grasp the basics and should try to be more ambitious in what he’s setting out to do.

Hope this rambling rant helps you get there!

 

[Lien_Geller]

James and Mare - A Story of Love.

Here’s thewriterjames with James and Mare – A Story of Love.

I kind of naturally eye-roll at titles like that, btw. This is a site that revolves around sex stories, and although I know that sex and love aren’t always a package deal, it just sounds a bit pretentious to me. “This is a story of love! Not common rutting! Ugh! Peasants!”

I think that it’s also a bit too generic to be interesting too. Do you know how many love stories have been written? Do you know how many love stories have been finished in the last week? I bet it’s a lot. It’s kind of a big genre and lots of artists have lots to say about it. So maybe give me a glimpse of what makes yours a bit different? James and Mare don’t exactly sound like two utterly fascinating people either going by their names. One’s one of the most common names in the English speaking world. The other’s a name for a female horse. I’m just saying:

“James and Mare – A Story of Love”

“Sir James and Archbishop Marie – A Story of Love… IN SPAAAAAAACE!”

Just liven it up a bit, y’know? Jeez. (Although maybe don’t go that far.)

The author’s note is also a bit too self-indulgent for my liking. Given that it’s your first attempt at writing, I’m willing to give you a free pass. Also, I don’t mind that you flag up that it shifts into other subgenres at times. That’s fine. Just lose the rest of it. I don’t need to know that it’s a slow build, I don’t need to know how you felt writing it, and I don’t need to know your thoughts on if it’s too long or not. Let the fucking reader figure out if they like it or not from actually reading the damn thing. If you’re worried about it being too long then make it more interesting! If you’re worried about a slow burn then make the teasing hot! Don’t just give me a bunch of excuses for yourself at the start, and instead focus on writing something people will want to read.

(Also, I read a lot of stories on here and this is a frequent thing writers do so don’t feel put off by it. You are by no means a particularly bad offender in this regard, but it’s a pet peeve of mine.)

Alrighty then, let’s get on with the actual story itself.

Ok, so your opening runs pretty much head-first into a lot of problems that I repeatedly discuss on this thread, along with a few more.

First, your opening line isn’t actually that bad. A guy on his way home is something that most people can relate to so we’re immediately feeling a little empathy for your protagonist which is good. Your following paragraphs seem to establish 3 main hopes for him. He’s going home. He likes Texas. He wants to meet some hot Texan women.

Ok. Fair enough. Those goals are a bit vague to be getting on with though. They don’t really fix my interest in any sort of immediate plotline you’ve got going, and they don’t say much that’s unique about the character.

You also run into the issue of infodumping by almost immediately starting to spout off about his background and his immediate past. It takes any energy from that opening line and lets it out with a depressing fart. Once again, it’s also a bit generic. He’s a guy who’s left his home to go to college and is now coming back. So why should I care about him? What specific thing is interesting about him or what he’s about to do that I can latch onto as a reader? The only answer to this is that he likes Texas a lot. There isn’t really even anything specific about Texas that he likes. It’s just a bunch of recollections and idle musings. So where’s the fucking story!? Ugh.

You do make a pretty good attempt at forming a casual narrative in the first person though. I like that it seems conversational, and you almost get it right. It’s just that there’s a few things that irked me a bit.

Texas is a funny thing.

Late May in Texas is a beautiful thing.

Girls are a wonderful thing.

So those three pop up within the first seven paragraphs. It’s a pretty noticeable and repetitive form of phrasing, and sometimes it doesn’t really make sense. First off, Texas is really more of a place than a thing. I know that you can sometimes frame it where it’s like: Texas is a state of mind, or something like that. It just doesn’t really come out that way here. Saying everything is a thing is also once again too freakin’ vague. Especially that staggeringly weird last line. Girls are a wonderful thing? What the hell does that even mean? It’s so vague that it actually comes across as a bit sexist.

Dunno if you’ve ever had a conversation with a woman in it and mentioned that women are wonderful things but I’m pretty sure that’s a good way to find yourself wearing a drink on your head.

BTW, for anyone else reading this, I don’t think that thewriterjames is actually trying to be sexist or anything. I think he’s shooting for poetic and complimentary and stumbling face first into a place no man should venture due to clunky writing. Given that Bramblethorn once called me out on a piece of crappily conceived writing of mine that made it sound like I was trying to say sex workers were all soulless, I actually sympathize.

Back to the story though, and this just came across as a bit crappy:

I knew they wouldn't take it easy on a 24 year old kid who was, umm, going just a little over the 70 mph speed limit.

Ok, so don’t stop mid-sentence to write, umm, like that. It just reads fucking horribly. I know you’re aiming for a conversational tone but you have to strike a balance between conversational and readable. That’s going a bit too far into the former at the expense of the latter. Um’s and ah’s are better left for dialogue (and even there they can get too much).

Next up there’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about by making something more easily readable:

There, third house on the left, was mine.

The third house on the left was mine.

Or if you’re trying to maintain the tone, maybe go with something like:

Third house on the left. Home, sweet home.

Not trying to re-write your story for you, but I’m just trying to make the point of how easy it is to make something like that more readable. Your original sentence is two halves of a sentence with another piece of information awkwardly sandwiched in between. It doesn’t read well. Make sure you’ve got your thoughts in order as you edit your work.

The story still feels like it’s floundering here too. He comes home, he meets his parents and they have a party but you gloss over so much of it and tell me that it makes your guy miserable. This kind of makes him come across as an ungrateful shit, and that you skip over so much of the interaction whilst still talking about it in the narrative makes it come off as very passive. You could have used this opportunity to set up a dialogue in which we got to know him and his situation in a more active sense. Instead of the musings and the recollections, you could have started with his mom opening the door and shouting welcome home and getting straight into a scene. Instead I get a few lines of dialogue from a guy I don’t know why I should be interested in, and then you tell me he checks the internet before going out again. Why the hell was him checking the Wall Street Journal necessary to the story? Couldn’t you have cut that? Also it really feels like nothing’s happening here! Fucking do something already! Argh!

Then something finally does happen! Yeeeeeey! And there’s boobs involved! Double yeeeeey!

This scene is actually better because it reads as being a lot more active. He seems to be doing something more than just aimlessly wandering about and thinking: “Gosh, isn’t home brilliant!?” It’s also pretty fun and lively in what happens during it, and you actually nail the landing on a lot of the descriptive language when it comes to describing Mary. You don’t just tell me that she’s attractive, you actually show me why and that’s definitely a good thing.

Then we get back to Brian, Isabel and more introductions of characters I don’t care about and reminiscing about the good old days. Not impressed. Not sure why it’s relevant. Not all that interesting.

The next scene in the garage of awesomeness is a good example of a missed opportunity. Again, you tell me why the place is cool when you could have shown me instead. A little description about surroundings is fine, but if you’d started off with a more active scene with him actually playing pool and having a beer whilst watching the game and talking to Brian and Isabel? It would have been much more immersive, active and it would have landed better rather than more of just describing what’s going on in the narrative. The game of pool between James and Mary feels like another missed opportunity in this regard. Stop having him musing about how much she annoys him and actually show her being annoying. You do this a little, but a lot of it is left in his head rather than simply showing the situation and letting the reader come to their own conclusions. It’s like you show her being a little annoying and then have to add two or three paragraphs explaining why it’s so much more annoying than we think. Do you know what that is? It’s fucking annoying!

You could have actually written up the actions of the match itself rather than just glossing over it. Describe her bending over the table, maybe she sees him seeing her and gets a little kick out of it, then chastises him for looking. Then we actually get shown how good she is at pool, and there’s some teasing between them, then she shuts him down. You could have had so much fun with a scene like that! But no, it’s just “she kicked my ass and looked hot doing it. Oh well.”

I do like that the bet actually sets up some degree of an actual plot point to the story. I could do with less of Bitch. Hot fucking bitch every other paragraph though. Mary doesn’t actually come across as all that bad, and that reaction is just a bit much. He was the dumb idiot who made the bet after all, and he comes across as more of an asshole here than she does. It’s like she’s teasing him and he’s an errant sneeze away from becoming a sex criminal because of it.

Aaaand then he pretty much does become a sex criminal because of it. Ugh. At this point you’ve pretty much completely lost me. Any remaining good will I had toward James has vanished. Your attempt to restore his honour by having him beat up three guys who try to hurt Mary in the next scene just comes off as a bit over-done and it doesn’t remotely excuse what he did to her. If you’d made her actually come across as unlikable that might be one thing, but you don’t. Again, you tell and don’t show and so it just seems like his hatred for her could all be in his head. That doesn’t do you any favours when he almost rapes her.

I’ll keep going since you said that was the only remotely noncon scene, but I did make it pretty explicitly clear that I don’t particularly like that shit so consider your bed made by asking me to review your stuff anyway.

As I said, the interaction with the three generic evil guys doesn’t really work. It comes across as you saying “I know he’s an almost-rapist! But these guys are real rapists and he’s beaten up 3 of them! So he’s the good guy again, ok?” That just doesn’t really deal with the issue at all, and comes across as if I’m being treated like an idiot as a reader.

It’s a shame too because her lap dance was pretty hot, and the story would be faring a lot better now if you hadn’t made that misstep. Mary infuses it with a livelier style, and gets you to stop writing 3 quarters of the story in your protagonist’s head. Although later on there was a thought of: Love? Where the fuck did that come from? and I have to say I was ready to vehemently agree with that question. Where the fuck did it come from, dude? There’s no real connection between them except a sexual one at this point. I get that it can start there, but to go from there to saying they love each other just sounds fiercely unearned by that point.

You also take the story down a gear soon after for no apparent reason. They kiss and then he decides not to call her for over a week because “he doesn’t know why” because….? I got nothing. And the following entire literotica page just sort of reads like a giant fucking road block. He goes back into his head, scenes are glossed over, nothing feels active. I feel that the only plot point is that these two characters are going to somehow get together and that’s proceeding at a fucking glacial pace. Get on with it!

I mean it wouldn’t bother me so much if what you’re building up to wasn’t so bland. I mean, the sex and the teasing is ok. It’s just that the last third of this story pretty much reads like a lot of the stories on this site. There isn’t much drama, there isn’t much character development, and nothing really happens out of the normal build up to the sex. I’ve read it all the way to the end and I still have no earthly idea why the hell these two people actually like each other, other than that they think they’re both hot.

I found the noncon scene not just not to my tastes, but almost utterly inappropriate and out of place with the tone of the story you were telling. That might be partially due to my personal gripe, but it sort of cheapens everything that follows and you never really make up for it. I mean, if you’d have done something different with it then it might have gotten more bearable. Like, if she’d been treating him like her personal servant and pushing him, then he grabbed her one day in anger and she started actually egging him on because she liked that and she wanted to get his attention? Then he felt guilty afterwards because he wasn’t sure about what happened or what he wanted to do? That might have worked in the context, but he comes across as a bit rapey, and then almost rapes her, and she’s like: “Nah, that’s cool. I kinda deserved it.” I mean, I don’t think you mean it to come across that way, but that pretty much is how it comes across to me.

So yeah, I think I’m going to stop there. Sorry for ripping into you so much with this one, but you made some genuine errors whilst veering into some territory that isn’t my cup of tea. Still, I hope this is at least a bit helpful to you in your future efforts and don’t get discouraged. I see a lot of mistakes here, but for a first attempt you do get a lot of stuff right, and I sympathise with the things you’re getting wrong. Only way to get better is to keep at it and write more!

**Edit - Hey thewriterjames, usually I just PM writers who have asked for my reviews to let them know that the review is up. You don't seem to have enabled PM's, so I should say that I also mention that if any writer has a problem with a review I write then they're free to ask me to take it down and I'll be happy to do that for them. I know I can be a bit of a vicious little shit at times (which is why I only review stories by author's who have asked me for my opinion) so I totally get it if you want this post deleted. Feel free to let me know if that's the case. Hope it's at least a bit helpful to you though!

 

[Areala-chan]

Lien, I'm going to throw one out to you.

I know you don't read incest, so I'd never ask you to do the whole thing, but you always give great advice on story openings and there's nothing 'naughty' until much later in the story. Would you be willing to read the first LIT page of "Crash Into Me" and tell me your thoughts, what works and what doesn't in your opinion?

https://www.literotica.com/s/crash-into-me

If not, totally cool. Just throwing it out there, since I saw you finished the most recent request.

 

[Lien_Geller]

Hi there, Areala-chan! Going to have to say no to your request, I’m afraid. Truth is that I wouldn’t have looked at thewriterjames’ last story if I’d had known about the noncon scene. From the way he phrased it in his request (“There is a scene of nonconsent that does not actually occur…”) I assumed that his scene would be more in the way of a character’s fantasy or some sort of dream sequence. It was not.

Glad you brought this up though, cuz it’s really annoying when I explicitly state the kinds of things I won’t review and people drop me stories knowing that stuff’s in there anyway. I kept going with thewriterjames’ story because I had a lot of the review done by that point, and didn’t want it to be a giant waste of my time to quit on it.

Not having a go at you here, btw Areala-chan, at least you were up front about it! ^_^

Just want to reiterate for you and anyone else considering posting up here. Sorry I don’t review certain types of story, (check the first post on this thread) but if you want feedback from me then write something that’s more in my area of expertise. Also, not judging any story types at all. It just takes a fair amount of time to do these reviews and I’d rather stay in my comfort zone is all.

Thanks!

 

[Areala-chan]

Hi there, Areala-chan! Going to have to say no to your request, I’m afraid. Truth is that I wouldn’t have looked at thewriterjames’ last story if I’d had known about the noncon scene. From the way he phrased it in his request (“There is a scene of nonconsent that does not actually occur…”) I assumed that his scene would be more in the way of a character’s fantasy or some sort of dream sequence. It was not.

Glad you brought this up though, cuz it’s really annoying when I explicitly state the kinds of things I won’t review and people drop me stories knowing that stuff’s in there anyway. I kept going with thewriterjames’ story because I had a lot of the review done by that point, and didn’t want it to be a giant waste of my time to quit on it.

Not having a go at you here, btw Areala-chan, at least you were up front about it! ^_^

Just want to reiterate for you and anyone else considering posting up here. Sorry I don’t review certain types of story, but if you want feedback from me then write something that’s more in my area of expertise. Also, not judging any story types at all. It just takes a fair amount of time to do these reviews and I’d rather stay in my comfort zone is all.

Thanks!

No worries! Nothing ventured, nothing gained after all. One of these days I'll write something nice normal.

 

[Arcerdo]

I would like to ask your opinnion on my story

Hello Lien, love your work.

I have a few stories posted here on Literotica, but since 2014 i have been stuck on writers block. Recently after reading your story Unleashed, i have managed to begin rediscovering my desire to write again.
I hope to someday do a story similar to your Unleashed, but with not such a heart breaking ending, as a homage for how it made me feel.

Anyways, my story, Hunters Advent is currently two chapters long and i am in the process of writing the third chapter now after... Jesus, 3 years... i suck at this.
In the meantime, i would ask for your honest opinnion on the previous two chapters;

https://www.literotica.com/s/hunters-advent-ch-01

https://www.literotica.com/s/hunters-advent-ch-02

The story is about the life of a Night Hunter, Vincent Zacrias. a Night Hunter is basically a term used to people who hunt and kill denizens of darkness such as monsters, vampires, werewolves, etc.

There are more nuances to how the world works and how things are, but those will become more apparrent and clear as the story progresses. I have such a finely laid out foundation on how it all works, and if you wish to know i would be happy to discuss them over PM, email or something along those lines.
This is more story and character focused, so it will be some time before there is any sexual content.

I am asking for a generally honest opinnion, but in chapter 2 i am especially asking for a detailed opinnion on a certain, shall we say, dream sequence that Vincent experiences and what you think it means.
oooh, i also realise it is only 2 chapters, but i am also curious to know on how much they made you want to know more about the characters, the world they live in, etc.

Yeah, i'm always looking for feedback, since i really want to keep improving and learn new perspectives.

I hope to hear from you soon.

 

[sr71plt]

You might not want to hold your breath on this one. Lien Geller hasn't posted for nearly six months. This is fairly typical with "reviewer" offers here. They come and go quickly.

 

[KindofHere]

....................