Long waiting time

[AmateurDracula]

I've read it, and if you're interested, I'd be willing to provide some constructive feedback.

Absolutely and 2nd part will be published tonight, its approved.

 

[StillStunned]

You have the makings of a good story - I can see where it's going, with Ady's past coming to haunt him - but you're rushing through it. You're telling it as a series of events, not presenting a story, and I think that's reflected in your scores.

Readers like to feel engaged. They want to be there in the character's mind, experience what they experience. They want to feel the joys, the inner turmoils. They want things to make sense. They want to be taken on the journey and enjoy the scenery, rather than watching the slideshow.

So slow down. Feel your character's heartbeat. Taste the world around them. Show them interacting with the people in their lives, with dialogue, emotion, deeper feelings. They want the Ady's decision to go out with Mina to make sense based on what they've read before. He has to be having doubts about his marriage, or be yearning for something more, or fall under her spell, or something. They want to know that he understands it's wrong, but he can't stop himself - or he doesn't want to.

If all this sounds like a lot of work, that's because it is. It's a slow journey of bringing events to life by breathing life into every second.

Imagine it's a lazy Sunday morning, and you and your partner have nothing to do but make love to each other. Slowly and deliberately, reconnecting on an emotional level. Explore every inch of each other's skin, build up the excitement little by little, taking a break now and then, then starting up again, until you can't hold back anymore.

Now treat your story the same way. Look at every paragraph and tease it out, bring it to life until it's as real in the reader's mind as it is in yours.

And of course remember that I'm just an amateur giving amateur advice. Write the story that you want to write, and don't let anyone tell you you're doing it wrong.

 

[AmateurDracula]

You have the makings of a good story - I can see where it's going, with Ady's past coming to haunt him - but you're rushing through it. You're telling it as a series of events, not presenting a story, and I think that's reflected in your scores.

Readers like to feel engaged. They want to be there in the character's mind, experience what they experience. They want to feel the joys, the inner turmoils. They want things to make sense. They want to be taken on the journey and enjoy the scenery, rather than watching the slideshow.

So slow down. Feel your character's heartbeat. Taste the world around them. Show them interacting with the people in their lives, with dialogue, emotion, deeper feelings. They want the Ady's decision to go out with Mina to make sense based on what they've read before. He has to be having doubts about his marriage, or be yearning for something more, or fall under her spell, or something. They want to know that he understands it's wrong, but he can't stop himself - or he doesn't want to.

If all this sounds like a lot of work, that's because it is. It's a slow journey of bringing events to life by breathing life into every second.

Imagine it's a lazy Sunday morning, and you and your partner have nothing to do but make love to each other. Slowly and deliberately, reconnecting on an emotional level. Explore every inch of each other's skin, build up the excitement little by little, taking a break now and then, then starting up again, until you can't hold back anymore.

Now treat your story the same way. Look at every paragraph and tease it out, bring it to life until it's as real in the reader's mind as it is in yours.

And of course remember that I'm just an amateur giving amateur advice. Write the story that you want to write, and don't let anyone tell you you're doing it wrong.

This is the best advice one can give. I was very confused between writing a detailed story or trimmed version. I will keep these factors in consideration.

 

[gunhilltrain]

This is the best advice one can give. I was very confused between writing a detailed story or trimmed version. I will keep these factors in consideration.

You must be brave to put a story in Loving Wives for the first time out. The thirteen reviewers were not very kind, but that is to be expected. You certainly won't be ignored in that category, and being ignored is painful too. Where is Chapter 2 going?

Just curious: do you know anything about New York City or the New York Police Department? A few details about that would be good, I think. Also, don't start out with a blurb promoting your own story. Just get into it and let the readers decide what they think.

P.S.: Since you're starting a series, you have some leeway about putting more description in it.

 

[AmateurDracula]

Thanks for all the constructive feedback. Chapter 02 is out

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-commissioner-ch-02

 

[ElectricBlue]

You need to slow down and tell your story. This is a collection of scene notes, it's not really a narrative. Your chapters are very short, so each bit is over before it's begun. It's so rushed. You don't really need the preamble to chapter one, you don't need the recap in chapter two.

I'm guessing one of the reasons for the processing delay was Laurel deciding whether or not to reject it for the very strange dialogue formatting - it follows none of the usual conventions. Maybe she decided to let the LW commentators do the job for her.

I'd strongly suggest you study up on the various style guides, which you can find in the FAQs. It will make your story telling much easier if you use conventional dialogue punctuation and formatting - your technique is very distracting.

 

[Britva415]

So slow down. Feel your character's heartbeat. Taste the world around them. Show them interacting with the people in their lives, with dialogue, emotion, deeper feelings. They want the Ady's decision to go out with Mina to make sense based on what they've read before. He has to be having doubts about his marriage, or be yearning for something more, or fall under her spell, or something. They want to know that he understands it's wrong, but he can't stop himself - or he doesn't want to.

If all this sounds like a lot of work, that's because it is. It's a slow journey of bringing events to life by breathing life into every second.

I think it’s almost like acting.

 

[AmateurDracula]

I'm feeling somewhat disappointed with the feedback received. My two chapters have garnered nearly 9,000 reads in total, but both are striving to reach a 3-star average rating. I had hoped for at least a 3.5-star average with over 20,000 reads.

I also haven't gained many followers. It seems I need to reconsider my approach.

My other two series remain unpublished, and I've lost hope of ever publishing them.

Overall, I'm not satisfied with my debut.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I agree with the other advice you've gotten here, especially from @ElectricBlue (who has also given me very good advice).

Have you tried the trick of reading the story out loud to yourself? Have you tried the other trick (which I only just started using myself) of putting a completed chapter away for a week, then reading with fresh eyes?

-Annie

 

[AmateurDracula]

I agree with the other advice you've gotten here, especially from @ElectricBlue (who has also given me very good advice).

Have you tried the trick of reading the story out loud to yourself? Have you tried the other trick (which I only just started using myself) of putting a completed chapter away for a week, then reading with fresh eyes?

-Annie

I am confused honestly. I myself do not like long stories or pages of long read. There are all type of readers here. People are even doing 750 words project.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I am confused honestly. I myself do not like long stories or pages of long read. There are all type of readers here. People are even doing 750 words project.

The 750 word exercise is to tell a complete vignette in 750 words, complete within itself. Having very short chapters like yours isn't comparable - they're two different things entirely. Chapters are part of a longer story.

You might be better off finishing your story, so that it too is complete and self-contained, see what it looks like, and only then figure out the best publishing strategy.

Yes, there are readers who like short stories, don't like long ones. But the frame of reference needs to be thought about: "long" can mean anything from 30,000 or 50,000 words, up to hundreds of thousands of words.

Your first two chapters barely total 4,000 words. That's just a little bit over one Lit page (around 3,750 words). Those are very short chapters. Every time this comes up there's some consensus that 3 - 4 Lit pages (around 10k words) is a sweet spot for chapter length.

Remember too, that it's erotica - you've got to give people time (and content) to get aroused. 1500 words doesn't do that.

 

[AmateurDracula]

The second to last chapter, Chapter 03, has been submitted and is currently under review.