Making Changes

[Netzach]

I can relate well. For us it is set as part of my role as a slave in that by reminding him, pricking his conscience on things he has requested I do so, I am serving him. He wants to lose weight...I cook healthy food etc., but he acknowledges that it sometimes takes more than that, especially since quitting smoking, so though he might get cranky when I do it, he wants me to say something when I see him looking for snacks or goodies...what he does after that is his decision. It extends into many areas where he wants me to offer extra support, provide a voice to counteract his own, and at times offer my opinion with reasoning on a decision he may be trying to make and needs to double check he is thinking effectively. Takes a strong and grounded PYL to admit they have temptations, difficulties with particular things, and acknowledge their own weaknesses...takes a smart one to then set their pyl the task of playing an active role in helping them with these areas.

Catalina

I've done this some with H and various goals (finances, etc.) Sometimes I will tell M "I want to buy X supplies" because it helps to hear someone ask why I need it and make me verbalize that, sometimes reaching a conclusion that I do not.

You can't then punish the person you asked to help you though, or bite their head off, or ask them to be an anal nag about something and then get pissed at them for nagging.

I'm coming to a conclusion more and more these days that even if I'm someone's D I'm not mommy. For everyone's sanity. If I wanted a recalcitrant 15 year old I'd have birthed one.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Well, no argument here. It frustrates me not only because it's dumb, but because it means I don't get to exercise the power I do in other areas. And to be honest, those areas aren't that important. Making her do pointless shit for the heck of it, it's fun but it doesn't mean a whole lot. To make her into a better person, that's what I want to do. Early days though

Well that suggests that your intentions are somewhat honourable.

It's strange, when I think about the things I was comfortable doing for Master before I reached the point where personal criticism was something I took on board without resentment.

 

[Netzach]

I also think if you plan on being in a sane and happy relationship it behooves you to take a look at the exact entire as-is snapshot of your partner as though frozen in the moment, imagine them NEVER being anything but what they are and deciding if you can't live without them or not.

People spend too much time on their fantasies of what the other could be or should be.

 

[FurryFury]

I also think if you plan on being in a sane and happy relationship it behooves you to take a look at the exact entire as-is snapshot of your partner as though frozen in the moment, imagine them NEVER being anything but what they are and deciding if you can't live without them or not.

People spend too much time on their fantasies of what the other could be or should be.

I think this is a GREAT post!

 

[faeriefire]

I also think if you plan on being in a sane and happy relationship it behooves you to take a look at the exact entire as-is snapshot of your partner as though frozen in the moment, imagine them NEVER being anything but what they are and deciding if you can't live without them or not.

People spend too much time on their fantasies of what the other could be or should be.

I wholeheartedly agree with this post. Once that's done tho, once you've decided you want this person in your life, with the knowledge that people do change over time...

1) how much influence do you give them to shape your view of yourself?

2) how muc influence do you have over them to help them make positive changes?

3) is D2MLG's interpretation of a relationship sound in that you view a relationship as an opportunity to bring out the best in your partner? and have them bring out the best in you?

4) for those who have trouble accepting criticism...why? and how do you respond as a result?

 

[Homburg]

My goodness, how can people be so blinkered and arrogant? That poor woman.

I know! Even a Fitness pro's weight will fluctuate a pound or two on a daily basis. Hell, on an hourly basis. Insipid.

-----

I'm an info gatherer and a rather curious individual. Introspection and understanding have been good to me. I know there's lotsa good to enjoy and most days I do just that. I'm also headed back into the lions den as it were with one who uses criticism effectively to control the whole fam. My goal is to break the mold and fly free...

You can do it, FF. Spread wings, fly. It's that simple. Not easy, but simple.

Will remember this quote for sure...the truth is so very sublime

It is one of my all-time favourite BDSM quotes.

----

I think this is a GREAT post!

No kidding!

 

[her_soffie]

I wholeheartedly agree with this post. Once that's done tho, once you've decided you want this person in your life, with the knowledge that people do change over time...

1) how much influence do you give them to shape your view of yourself?

2) how muc influence do you have over them to help them make positive changes?

3) is D2MLG's interpretation of a relationship sound in that you view a relationship as an opportunity to bring out the best in your partner? and have them bring out the best in you?

4) for those who have trouble accepting criticism...why? and how do you respond as a result?

Looking at these point by point my reaction would be:
1) The amount you value their opinion in conjuction with how much you believe them to have your own interests at heart, rather than their own, will probably dictate how much influence you give them. I think this is at the core of any power exchange.
2)see the answer to number 1.
3) I don't support that interpretation at all. I see a relationship as an opportunity to share common interests and explore expanding those interests in a way that is mutually and equally beneficial to both partners and helps the relationship grow sounder.
4) Quite often criticism is given as an aspect of the person as being innate, something which is as unchangeable as your birthdate. How frustrating to have someone tell you you are basically flawed, and you can do nothing about it.
The truth is behavior is changeable, and the best help you can give someone is to explain to them the benefit to them of the behavior change, as well as a plan to change that behavior, along with an offer to help if the person would like you to. Often, it is helpful if you ask the person if they have any ideas on how they can change their behavior, once they have agreed change would be beneficial.

 

[Netzach]

I wholeheartedly agree with this post. Once that's done tho, once you've decided you want this person in your life, with the knowledge that people do change over time...

1) how much influence do you give them to shape your view of yourself?

None, but I tend to think that it's ONLY healthy to use other people's metrics as a kind of barometer, not as a reason to revamp your identity. That's very scary territory, because it means there's something seriously adrift about your identity. Even if your conclusion might be "I draw my identity as a slave entirely from being owned" that's different, KNOWING and stating that and being about that than just kind of drifting along and trying to be whatever your lover wants - that way lies madness.

2) how muc influence do you have over them to help them make positive changes?

About that much. Some but not much much. There's not a thing in the world you can do to MAKE anyone do anything - thank God for small favors. It liberates you from feeling like you're in charge of things you can't be in charge of.

3) is D2MLG's interpretation of a relationship sound in that you view a relationship as an opportunity to bring out the best in your partner? and have them bring out the best in you?

I think this happens when people are with people who are focusing on their own betterment. It's organic and it's a question of people rising to the level, not being nagged to the level. Good teachers do this, with adult students. You see someone happy and smart and solidly wise and you reverse engineer how to be more like that.

4) for those who have trouble accepting criticism...why? and how do you respond as a result?

My upbringing is pretty much a barrage of do it my way or you are an idiot. I like to think that I can absorb that, kink it, and make it a philosophy of getting off, not one of coexisting as marrieds.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm not great at accepting either criticism or compliments. From the time I was tiny and performing in churches I've been barraged by both from my caretakers and a lot of praise from strangers. I don't believe compliments too often. I tend to wonder how sincere they are. My caregivers had a habit of praising me excessively and then, on the same subject crushing me with criticism.

I HATE being watched while I do anything except my job. I assume I'm being judged harshly.

One of the things I'm very grateful for is that my husband truly loves, likes and accepts me as I am. I've never felt that before. It's really enabled me to relax, trust and open up so much more.

I'm trying to get better at accepting criticism when it's constructive, (and from someone I trust), and praise as well.

Hopefully I'm getting better at it.

I do not think that people should try to make each other over. I do think we should gently attempt to help one another.

I'd love a Dom to help me get and stay fit.

I don't want to be thinking I'm not attractive or good enough though.

This is a pretty difficult area for me.

 

[intothewoods]

At the end of the day, in your quiet moments, you have to be okay with you. You can't be something you're not for very long, and you really can't change for someone else. Because in those quiet moments, you're just you, without anyone there to validate you, instruct you, or pat you on the head. And if you're not okay with you, those quiet moments are going to be pretty miserable.

 

[graceanne]

I've found that peoples ability to accept criticism depends on how you put it. If your friend/girlfriend dances into the room and twirls around and says 'how do I look?' - you will not get a good reaction if you say 'like a cow'. On the other hand if you're shopping and she seriously, with eye contact, asks how the dress looks on her - THAT would be the time to say 'eh, maybe we should keep looking'.

 

[Homburg]

At the end of the day, in your quiet moments, you have to be okay with you. You can't be something you're not for very long, and you really can't change for someone else. Because in those quiet moments, you're just you, without anyone there to validate you, instruct you, or pat you on the head. And if you're not okay with you, those quiet moments are going to be pretty miserable.

If Bibunny had not put this on the calendar thread, I would have.

 

[faeriefire]

At the end of the day, in your quiet moments, you have to be okay with you. You can't be something you're not for very long, and you really can't change for someone else. Because in those quiet moments, you're just you, without anyone there to validate you, instruct you, or pat you on the head. And if you're not okay with you, those quiet moments are going to be pretty miserable.

Thank you. *heartfelt smile* Just, thank you for saying this so beautiful, with such clarity

An addition... The spark that started the questioning was an ahah moment. Recognizing a reaction as over-the-top. Something I've done before again and again and finally saw for what it was. I'm not a victim. These first 21 years of my life I have conformed to someone else's demands because it was easier. In the quiet moments, those times away from her influence, I could be me and that was the me I like. There are situations that bring out the best, situations that bring out the worst, and people have the same ability. For the first time in my life the kid afraid of setting off another tirade is finding a voice and a backbone. To everyone here thank you for providing insight and your own perspectives. We all have to decide for ourselves who we are going to be. I wanted to know how you react to criticism because I suspect soon she will put me in a position of choosing...to go back to conforming like before...or to stand up for myself and refuse to be anything less. If an offhand remark from a friend can send me spinning then a directed attack...well, let's just say I need to decide how much import to place on other's opinions. Because at the end of the day ITW...you said it perfectly. It's a big step to take. The insights others provided have provided a mirror of sorts with which to set my own standards.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I've done this some with H and various goals (finances, etc.) Sometimes I will tell M "I want to buy X supplies" because it helps to hear someone ask why I need it and make me verbalize that, sometimes reaching a conclusion that I do not.

You can't then punish the person you asked to help you though, or bite their head off, or ask them to be an anal nag about something and then get pissed at them for nagging.

True, but then I also think a PYL is only human. For F, he is attempting to give up 2 very strong addictions at one time without chemical aids, and both which have faithfully helped him through the major stressors of his life which are a little more than the usual bumps and hiccoughs most of us have experienced...that alone is going to make him antsy and being human, it is not always going to feel gratifying to be reminded you are tettering on the edge of failing, nor that you are not the person you wish to be by firstly being addicted, and secondly having difficulty moving beyond that addiction to a point where it can be controlled. Addiction is never an easy thing to deal with and does tend to mess with the mind, body and mood. I don't always feel like the pay out for doing what I am told, but I can look beyond it and understand where it comes from, and to his credit, he does apologise and express his gratitude when the beast is no longer gnawing so viciously at his insides. It is a small price to pay if I can help him reach his goal and live a healthier and hopefully longer life.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm not great at accepting either criticism or compliments. From the time I was tiny and performing in churches I've been barraged by both from my caretakers and a lot of praise from strangers. I don't believe compliments too often. I tend to wonder how sincere they are. My caregivers had a habit of praising me excessively and then, on the same subject crushing me with criticism.

I HATE being watched while I do anything except my job. I assume I'm being judged harshly.

One of the things I'm very grateful for is that my husband truly loves, likes and accepts me as I am. I've never felt that before. It's really enabled me to relax, trust and open up so much more.

I'm trying to get better at accepting criticism when it's constructive, (and from someone I trust), and praise as well.

Hopefully I'm getting better at it.

I do not think that people should try to make each other over. I do think we should gently attempt to help one another.

I'd love a Dom to help me get and stay fit.

I don't want to be thinking I'm not attractive or good enough though.

This is a pretty difficult area for me.

I can so relate. We are both fortunate to have found someone who just by being themselves can do what no other has been able to in lifting us out of that place we dwelt in for so long.

Catalina

 

[raven2]

Thank you. *heartfelt smile* Just, thank you for saying this so beautiful, with such clarity

An addition... The spark that started the questioning was an ahah moment. Recognizing a reaction as over-the-top. Something I've done before again and again and finally saw for what it was. I'm not a victim. These first 21 years of my life I have conformed to someone else's demands because it was easier. In the quiet moments, those times away from her influence, I could be me and that was the me I like. There are situations that bring out the best, situations that bring out the worst, and people have the same ability. For the first time in my life the kid afraid of setting off another tirade is finding a voice and a backbone. To everyone here thank you for providing insight and your own perspectives. We all have to decide for ourselves who we are going to be. I wanted to know how you react to criticism because I suspect soon she will put me in a position of choosing...to go back to conforming like before...or to stand up for myself and refuse to be anything less. If an offhand remark from a friend can send me spinning then a directed attack...well, let's just say I need to decide how much import to place on other's opinions. Because at the end of the day ITW...you said it perfectly. It's a big step to take. The insights others provided have provided a mirror of sorts with which to set my own standards.

FF,

I think that you need to listen to what another person has to say. and keep your mind open. IF what they say has merit in your opinion, then you should consider making the change. If what they say does not make sense to you, then you should follow your own thoughts or those of someone you trust. You just need to remember to not let what others say about you affect and bother you. You are unique and know what you you need.

 

[rida]

I also think if you plan on being in a sane and happy relationship it behooves you to take a look at the exact entire as-is snapshot of your partner as though frozen in the moment, imagine them NEVER being anything but what they are and deciding if you can't live without them or not.

People spend too much time on their fantasies of what the other could be or should be.

I think that is the most important secret for a long lasting relationship: when at the beginning of the relationship something of the other person's personality and/or behavior annoys you and you feel like just letting it go because you are " oh, so much in LOVE ", ask yourself how will you feel when he/she will be the same/doing the same 5 years from now, 10 years from now, and so on. If the answer is that you can live with it, than let it go and never ever bring it up. If the answer is that you cannot stand it, than speak up now. I think this is the true meaning of the "speak now or hold your peace forever" that is asked during the wedding vows .
--------------------

I wholeheartedly agree with this post. Once that's done tho, once you've decided you want this person in your life, with the knowledge that people do change over time...

1) how much influence do you give them to shape your view of yourself?

2) how much influence do you have over them to help them make positive changes?

3) is D2MLG's interpretation of a relationship sound in that you view a relationship as an opportunity to bring out the best in your partner? and have them bring out the best in you?

4) for those who have trouble accepting criticism...why? and how do you respond as a result?

1) listen to what they are trying to say, and accept the criticism and try to change if it is not something that affects my core value system and who I am

2) hopefully the same amount as they have over me, as per answer 1)

3) that is the way it feels to me: in a relationship when am loved and cherished for who I am, it makes me want to be the best person I can be.

4) I tend to always find a justification: "yes, but .... " Why? good question. Probably because I hate to be wrong.

 

[Netzach]

True, but then I also think a PYL is only human. For F, he is attempting to give up 2 very strong addictions at one time without chemical aids, and both which have faithfully helped him through the major stressors of his life which are a little more than the usual bumps and hiccoughs most of us have experienced...that alone is going to make him antsy and being human, it is not always going to feel gratifying to be reminded you are tettering on the edge of failing, nor that you are not the person you wish to be by firstly being addicted, and secondly having difficulty moving beyond that addiction to a point where it can be controlled. Addiction is never an easy thing to deal with and does tend to mess with the mind, body and mood. I don't always feel like the pay out for doing what I am told, but I can look beyond it and understand where it comes from, and to his credit, he does apologise and express his gratitude when the beast is no longer gnawing so viciously at his insides. It is a small price to pay if I can help him reach his goal and live a healthier and hopefully longer life.

Catalina

I understand and commend you. Addiction is very irrational and he must really be at the point where he wants to give it up that much, even with moments of friction. What I mean is more a question of dealing with the ups and downs of someone who kind of is ready to quit kind of isnt - I dunno, it's hard to explain. I found that my helping wasn't improving my relationship in the least, the only thing that sort of did was me quietly making some of my own good decisions, but I'm dealing with someone who does not take well to criticism. Not because they were criticized at home, but rather for the opposite reason. Whereas criticizing one's loved ones was the only behavior I encountered at all as a way to relate, so it's easy for me to do, impossible for me to listen to unless I really breathe deep and remind myself he's not my mommy.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I understand and commend you. Addiction is very irrational and he must really be at the point where he wants to give it up that much, even with moments of friction. What I mean is more a question of dealing with the ups and downs of someone who kind of is ready to quit kind of isnt - I dunno, it's hard to explain. I found that my helping wasn't improving my relationship in the least, the only thing that sort of did was me quietly making some of my own good decisions, but I'm dealing with someone who does not take well to criticism. Not because they were criticized at home, but rather for the opposite reason.

That is understandable. There was a time when he was in that place and wanted me to get him into the state he is in now. I explained to him why I couldn't do it and only he could and it worked, but it took awhile. Once the commitment is made by him I am willing to assist in anyway I can, though I sometimes feel like telling him to go jump....I'm not perfect either.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

That is understandable. There was a time when he was in that place and wanted me to get him into the state he is in now. I explained to him why I couldn't do it and only he could and it worked, but it took awhile. Once the commitment is made by him I am willing to assist in anyway I can, though I sometimes feel like telling him to go jump....I'm not perfect either.

Catalina

Oh yeah. That totally makes sense. It's agonizing watching someone clinging to something that's going to kill them, but I'm not going to let the smoking war ruin my marriage. I also realize that most people who do eventually quit baby-quit-relapse about what is it, 9 times on average? In the meantime, I need to worry about how I'm eating and what I'm doing.

 

[intothewoods]

Thank you. *heartfelt smile* Just, thank you for saying this so beautiful, with such clarity

An addition... The spark that started the questioning was an ahah moment. Recognizing a reaction as over-the-top. Something I've done before again and again and finally saw for what it was. I'm not a victim. These first 21 years of my life I have conformed to someone else's demands because it was easier. In the quiet moments, those times away from her influence, I could be me and that was the me I like. There are situations that bring out the best, situations that bring out the worst, and people have the same ability. For the first time in my life the kid afraid of setting off another tirade is finding a voice and a backbone. To everyone here thank you for providing insight and your own perspectives. We all have to decide for ourselves who we are going to be. I wanted to know how you react to criticism because I suspect soon she will put me in a position of choosing...to go back to conforming like before...or to stand up for myself and refuse to be anything less. If an offhand remark from a friend can send me spinning then a directed attack...well, let's just say I need to decide how much import to place on other's opinions. Because at the end of the day ITW...you said it perfectly. It's a big step to take. The insights others provided have provided a mirror of sorts with which to set my own standards.

Thanks, FF, and Bunny and Homburg.

As to the bolded part, I don't personally believe you can decide who you are going to be. You are who you are. You can be conscious of who you are and your triggers, attractions, etc., and you can make decisions about those things which are within your control, but that's kind of different from deciding who you are. And if you are choosing between conforming to "her" expectations, or rebelling against them, your life is still being defined in someone else's terms. Totally normal, of course, but just be aware that growing into yourself takes a long time. I'm still working on it, and I'm 33.

 

[faeriefire]

Thanks, FF, and Bunny and Homburg.

As to the bolded part, I don't personally believe you can decide who you are going to be. You are who you are. You can be conscious of who you are and your triggers, attractions, etc., and you can make decisions about those things which are within your control, but that's kind of different from deciding who you are. And if you are choosing between conforming to "her" expectations, or rebelling against them, your life is still being defined in someone else's terms. Totally normal, of course, but just be aware that growing into yourself takes a long time. I'm still working on it, and I'm 33.

Hmm...I dunno if I agree with this or not *ponders* I get what you're saying about conforming and really appreciate that reality check. At this point it's more a matter of choosing how much I will let her affect me. And of setting expectations for myself. Rebelling isn't the way I want to go lol. Rebelling just means I'm reacting to her again. I'd rather move towards acceptance, putting resentment aside, loving her as she is and accepting that the situation is what it is and that's ok. (talk about the gargantuan task) For a long time I conformed to the rules she laid out and disliked myself, built up resentment because I felt constrained by them. But there was a choice I made there too not to speak up. In some ways I've resisted by refusing to treat others in a similar manner. But thus far being me has been very much tied up in not being like her. Now there's this matter of deciding where to go, which qualities to encourage, which to put aside. Realizing that I've been reacting for a long time, makes me want to step back and let it go *grins* Talk about a long involved process...

On another thread Recidiva said: "The person able to handle the unpleasant task of going about handling the drama of the event is breaking a cycle of judgment and anger and helplessness. If I can take abuse and anger and not throw it back, but deal with it through healing and compassion, I've lived up to who I want to be. To some folks that actually does qualify me as a masochist. To me, that's just who I want to be, who I aspire to be."

She really tapped into what I meant by choosing who to become. The potential is there and I know it's where I want to go. It's a matter of taking the steps to realize forgiveness within myself. It's a way of changing my perspective, looking at a situation in a new light. The person I am deep down doesn't change necessarily, but the way I express myself, respond, and feel sure as heck does. Choice is important. I like the thought of choosing for myself how I will change and grow over the years. The thought of someone else nudging me along...well...it would depend on the person and how much I trusted them. I learned early on to adapt to a 'my way or the highway' environment. My goal is to learn a more productive means of interacting. With respect. With love. And that begins with self-confidence and being open to what life has to offer. Well and time...by 33 I hope I can look back at this and see the growth and where it took me...and you're right that it's a process. I wonder if we ever actually grow into ourselves completely. Seems like that would be a place of true contentment...or maybe just boredom fickle human creatures that we are.

 

[Recidiva]

I'm a deeply imperfect person, and I'm ill in ways that modern science can't fix. So I'm all over the flawed bit of reality. I'm most often my own worst critic, and I'm lucky I'm with someone that gives the same consistent advice.

That means he's usually absolutely spot on while I'm overshooting or undershooting the issue. He's reasonable and rarely finds fault where there is no actual fault. If I'm condemning myself for being an awful mom, he'll say "You're a good mom. Sure, you could do better. Everyone could do better." If I'm ranting about the paragon of momly virtue I am, he'll say "You're a good mom. Sure, you could do better. Everyone could do better." He's always at the exact pitch of reality, I buck all over the place.

The only real change I ever asked him to make, the one issue I really couldn't ultimately accept over time was his smoking. I understood, then I didn't, then I did, then I didn't. This was an issue that was years in the exploration. Ultimately I didn't and then I stayed with it not being okay. I told him I really wanted to meet him when he wasn't an addict, because I thought I'd like him then. Despite all the political or personal issues of free will or free choice or adulthood or "pick your own poison" - that's where I ultimately landed. And that didn't change.

There are other issues that I've discovered I care less about as time goes by. Things that I used to think were bigger issues than the smoking. They faded and became less important. Issues about how we conduct our lives...less important. I could give up some stuff for him too, and it was a sacrifice, but it was worth it. Things that I thought were a huge part of me. I let them go. For him. Because he asked me to. So I can't really predict which issues are the ones where I'm going to make my final stand. I hate stands. I really do. I hate caring so much about something that reasonable or unreasonable, I just want it. But that's what it can come down to. It may not be reasonable or fair. It's just what it is.

I finally did have to tell him it was a huge issue, one that I thought was keeping me from actually getting to spend my life with him, from getting to know him. It took me years to even get to the point of saying any of these things quietly or at all. But in the end it became the truth and I said it, and it didn't change. The gap widened instead of being filled in. It became a chasm I couldn't cross any more unless he helped me.

He cared enough about how I felt to ultimately quit smoking. He knows and I know he'd smoke if he weren't around me, but it makes me sick physically, it made me sick intellectually and it makes me sick spiritually. I wish I had a better immune system, but I didn't.

I'm not convinced I would or wouldn't have left him if he hadn't made that choice and stuck with it. But I'm glad he did. He made a sacrifice for me, and I honor that. I can justify it by saying that it was for his own good, but ultimately it really wasn't about that at all. It was about me. He wasn't unhappy. I was unhappy.

I have to draw my lines somewhere. Doing anything addictively or destructively will eventually draw, if not my wrath, then at least my sad disapproval, and then my despair.

Making change I think is about honestly assessing the things that really, really matter to you. The things that define who you are. It might take years to uncover, to dig through the topsoil to the bedrock, to get to the bones of the matter, buried deep. But change must take place when you reach that point and there's nowhere else to go. One way or the other, I think when you've actually reached the real issues and not all the things you think about the real issues, change happens because it can't be any other way when you see the truth.

At least I've learned not to present scientific papers and authorities and reasons, and simply say "Because I want this. This is who I am."

 

[FurryFury]

I can so relate. We are both fortunate to have found someone who just by being themselves can do what no other has been able to in lifting us out of that place we dwelt in for so long.

Catalina

I agree.

 

[HottieMama]

And that begins with self-confidence and being open to what life has to offer. Well and time...by 33 I hope I can look back at this and see the growth and where it took me...

(Sorry if i go off topic a bit here, faerie...)

i'm 32...almost 33, and i have changed and grown tremendously in the past ten years. Most days, i feel it is all for the better, even the stuff that felt like crap in the moment. One of the most important lessons i have learned is that i don't have to treat myself or others the way i was treated by my mother both as a child and as a young adult. She was the type of person that put everything into a "box." If you didn't fit into her box, you were unnecessary. Didn't matter if you were her child or not. Moreover, she did everything in her power to stuff you into that box, and didn't care how much it killed you inside. Rebelling made her "stuff harder." It was/is a vicious cycle, and one of the many reasons why she is no longer in my life. (Her refusal to acknowledge her first grandson because of "how" he came to be was the straw that broke the camel's back.)

Self-confidence, and strength are the things that have allowed me to get to where i am today. They have also made me vigilantly aware to appreciate the people in my life and treasure what i have with them. That has made a huge difference.