Masters are from Mars, submissive/slaves are from Venus

[Snoozebutton2]

I'm really getting some great advice. I am definately a no grey area kind of guy. Well I was till learned you have to find that balance. To let pain happen and just saying ,"I love you.", isn't what was needed. The answers come in pieces and you just have to wait to put them all together.

 

[LifelongCyn]

A classic me & Master conversation moment:

me: *thinking hard*
him: *surfing the web*
me: Master, do you know what i want more than anything?
him: *still surfing* What, baby?
me: I want someone to really pay attention to me and
him: (talking over me) Take a look at this. *sends link*


I do this a lot, go into deep thought mode and then try to share with him without taking into account what he's doing at that moment and if he's ready to focus on my words. This has happened often enough that it's more amusing to us than anything else, but it made me wonder:

Am I the only one who lobs these sorts of conversational hand grenades without surveying the field first?

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

.......

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Yes instead of the proverbial newspaper at breakfast table I do the web surfing. Guilty as charged but have been trying to cut back. Is there a web surfing anonamous? Gives you a sweet kiss and looks all penitent.

A classic me & Master conversation moment:

me: *thinking hard*
him: *surfing the web*
me: Master, do you know what i want more than anything?
him: *still surfing* What, baby?
me: I want someone to really pay attention to me and
him: (talking over me) Take a look at this. *sends link*


I do this a lot, go into deep thought mode and then try to share with him without taking into account what he's doing at that moment and if he's ready to focus on my words. This has happened often enough that it's more amusing to us than anything else, but it made me wonder:

Am I the only one who lobs these sorts of conversational hand grenades without surveying the field first?

 

[JMohegan]

A classic me & Master conversation moment:

me: *thinking hard*
him: *surfing the web*
me: Master, do you know what i want more than anything?
him: *still surfing* What, baby?
me: I want someone to really pay attention to me and
him: (talking over me) Take a look at this. *sends link*


I do this a lot, go into deep thought mode and then try to share with him without taking into account what he's doing at that moment and if he's ready to focus on my words. This has happened often enough that it's more amusing to us than anything else, but it made me wonder:

Am I the only one who lobs these sorts of conversational hand grenades without surveying the field first?

This is one aspect of communication that gets to the heart of Rinka's question in post 15.

As far as I'm concerned, there's a time & a place when my attention can reasonably be expected.

I've got a Look that says: "I'm in the middle of something." If you're pressing past that point, you better be in an actual emotional emergency, or something better be on fire.

 

[midwestyankee]

And how about those people who prefer to whine but never actually want to change or fix anything?

In my universe, that's called a wife.

 

[Arkhilokhus]

In my universe, that's called a wife.

On the contrary, wives typically seem to want to change everything.

 

[midwestyankee]

On the contrary, wives typically seem to want to change everything.

In this case, the whining is about her own problems and there's little or no effort going into changing the things that she whines about. I've stopped offering help and just let the record play over and over.

 

[FurryFury]

In my universe, that's called a wife.

I hope to heaven, my husband wouldn't think that!

 

[WriterDom]

I have a talent for pissing women off and then digging a deeper hole trying to get out.

 

[WriterDom]

I hope to heaven, my husband wouldn't think that!

I hope not too! I think you'd be a good wife. If you would just leave while the Georgia game was on.

 

[FurryFury]

I hope not too! I think you'd be a good wife. If you would just leave while the Georgia game was on.

Thanks! I'd be pleased to leave during any ball game that folks would be yelling about!

I like to hang out with my buddies who are not into sports then. We can have tons of fun and the traffic is far less too!

 

[midwestyankee]

I hope to heaven, my husband wouldn't think that!

I doubt it, given what I've learned of you from your posts here.

 

[FurryFury]

I doubt it, given what I've learned of you from your posts here.

Thanks!

 

[Primalex]

Do you not have it all figured out? Is there a disconnect in the way you both see certain things? I think having a place where we can share and discuss is a good idea. Can we help each other communicate better?

Whenever I say "Go fuck yourself", she takes it literally. Any ideas to solve this problem?

 

[BiBunny]

Whenever I say "Go fuck yourself", she takes it literally. Any ideas to solve this problem?

Umm...sit back and enjoy the show?

 

[Mistress_Belladonna]

Communication is an art and sometimes I feel like I'm fingerpainting in the dark!!!

Ever had that blank stare from your Pyl/pyl? Or is it they can't seem to verbalize a particular need or desire. Have they said you are not getting it and you truly don't? Or were you smiling thinking you solved it only to hear you're not listening. I myself have heard all these and more. And you know what, I'm glad as shows she trusts and loves me enough to want me to understand. People talk of communication a lot here but sometimes it's not easy. You may want to just scream. Thats normal and don't be afraid to tell your Pyl/pyl they don't get it. Sure may hurt their pride a little now. But better they truly connect with what makes you tick instead of pretending or burying your true needs. Do you not have it all figured out? Is there a disconnect in the way you both see certain things? I think having a place where we can share and discuss is a good idea. Can we help each other communicate better?

I have relationships where things are very easily spoken of... words mean the same thing or I feel like we at least have the same version of the dictionary to work with! I can speak my mind and get things across well... and they can speak to me and I understand... most of the time. I've found that just trying things out with each being very open to differences in expectations as well as little nuances and natures goes that extra mile sometimes when communication is iffy.

Of course, I've also been in situations where communication is deliberately avoided or is made more difficult because the words just mean different things to each person.

 

[LifelongCyn]

I have a talent for pissing women off and then digging a deeper hole trying to get out.

And there's your problem. Don't make excuses, rationalize, or seize on technicalities to "get out" of trouble. Just take responsibility for whatever and apologize as appropriate.

 

[LifelongCyn]

Yes instead of the proverbial newspaper at breakfast table I do the web surfing. Guilty as charged but have been trying to cut back. Is there a web surfing anonamous? Gives you a sweet kiss and looks all penitent.

No need for puppy dog eyes. lol

I wasn't paying attention to where you were at that moment, and I should have asked for your focus. Besides, you have to admit it was pretty funny.

 

[LifelongCyn]

This is one aspect of communication that gets to the heart of Rinka's question in post 15.

As far as I'm concerned, there's a time & a place when my attention can reasonably be expected.

I've got a Look that says: "I'm in the middle of something." If you're pressing past that point, you better be in an actual emotional emergency, or something better be on fire.

Could you explain a little more about how this relates to rinka's post, please? I'm not sure I follow.

Thank you.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

No need for puppy dog eyes. lol

I wasn't paying attention to where you were at that moment, and I should have asked for your focus. Besides, you have to admit it was pretty funny.

It was funny.

 

[JMohegan]

Could you explain a little more about how this relates to rinka's post, please? I'm not sure I follow.

Thank you.

No problem. To avoid confusion, I'll copy her post and yours, and then rephrase my response.

I have been thinking about in what way communication can be different in a D/s relationship. Since I'm new to this I have found it hard sometimes to know when to express my needs and thoughts and when to wait for my PYL's cue or question. Wanting him to lead, but at the same time having all these emotions and issues popping up in me.

I've often thought that I should wait and be patient and all that. The thing is I am rather emotional, impatient and quite transparent so I rarely succeed.

And I am definitely a cryer. For all sorts of reasons. Overwhelming, anger, loneliness, confusion, shame, guilt, relief.... you name it.

Sometimes I feel that my emotional expression and outlet has too much impact on the relationship. But holding back would also mean a less open and honest communication and neither of us want that. (Couldn't do it either.)

When does expressing needs and emotions turn into a form of control? And how to find a good balance there?

I do this a lot, go into deep thought mode and then try to share with him without taking into account what he's doing at that moment and if he's ready to focus on my words. This has happened often enough that it's more amusing to us than anything else, but it made me wonder:

Am I the only one who lobs these sorts of conversational hand grenades without surveying the field first?

Rinka says she finds it hard sometimes to know when to express her needs and thoughts, and she worries that doing so might turn into some form of control. My view is that this will only turn into a form of control if the D allows him/herself to be controlled by the expression.

One aspect of communication is timing. (When are we having deep conversations on emotions and needs?) Another aspect is response. (What are we going to do to address the feelings you've just expressed?) Your example about randomly lobbing "conversational hand grenades" addresses the first of these aspects.

In my view, if the D is in the middle of something and the s interrupts, one of two things can happen next.

Either the D can allow himself to be interrupted, or he can deflect the attempt to control his focus in the moment - either with humor (see the SB2 example) or with a Look that says "Not now," or in some other way.

 

[eastern sun]

It took me a long time to realize that the fact that I needed to say something did not necessarily mean that it would be heard.

 

[rinka]

No problem. To avoid confusion, I'll copy her post and yours, and then rephrase my response.

Rinka says she finds it hard sometimes to know when to express her needs and thoughts, and she worries that doing so might turn into some form of control. My view is that this will only turn into a form of control if the D allows him/herself to be controlled by the expression.

One aspect of communication is timing. (When are we having deep conversations on emotions and needs?) Another aspect is response. (What are we going to do to address the feelings you've just expressed?) Your example about randomly lobbing "conversational hand grenades" addresses the first of these aspects.

In my view, if the D is in the middle of something and the s interrupts, one of two things can happen next.

Either the D can allow himself to be interrupted, or he can deflect the attempt to control his focus in the moment - either with humor (see the SB2 example) or with a Look that says "Not now," or in some other way.

i agree that it has a lot to do with timing. For me that is a huge challenge, to let go of controlling the communication and timetable. And my Dom gives me a lot of space to express my thoughts and feelings and needs. Of course I don't control how he responds to the information. But when I get really emotional I guess he has to deal with it somehow. And that takes focus and time and often steers the relatonship and interaction in a direction where my needs are in focus. Sometimes maybe too much.

And he always notices when I hold back and don't say. Then we tend to get into the:
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing"
"Tell me"
"It's just.... nevermind"
"*Big sigh* Talk to me"
....where I drive him crazy and probably start crying and... yeah..

I really don't recognize this needy, demanding and overly emotional side of me. Does he bring it out in me? Or is it the dynamic of the relationship? Or the process of exploring my submission? Probably a combination of the three, but I find it hard to control. And it's hard to not let it control me. And it sure isn't easy for him to control.

 

[rinka]

He says he wants me to feel safe. And that I'm being heard.

And that he's working on his patience. So am I.