Masters are from Mars, submissive/slaves are from Venus

[intothewoods]

You say that the overly emotional thing is new for you. Is something going on that's stressing you out or weighing on you?

 

[rinka]

You say that the overly emotional thing is new for you. Is something going on that's stressing you out or weighing on you?

Well... sure, but not more than usual, lol.

No I think it's more about the dynamic. And it being my first LDR, and my first D/s relationship. I also went into it with a resolve to be the most honest I can be.

I don't think it is all bad either. There are good sides to being transparent and vulnerable. And I believe that I allow myself this openness because I feel safe to do so.

Maybe it's just that when you open the gates it doesn't trickle but flood.

 

[LifelongCyn]

I've seen a lot of PYLs say that they demand complete emotional honesty from their pyls, and I was wondering about the flip side to that. How much information do PYLs provide about their emotional state? How does this work in your relationship? If the pyl pushes an emotional issue, does that change the power dynamic for you?

 

[JMohegan]

I've seen a lot of PYLs say that they demand complete emotional honesty from their pyls, and I was wondering about the flip side to that. How much information do PYLs provide about their emotional state? How does this work in your relationship? If the pyl pushes an emotional issue, does that change the power dynamic for you?

As much as I'm in the mood, or feel is necessary, to provide.

Reasons for disclosure, or withholding, vary.

Pushing anything with me is counterproductive. (Genuine emergencies aside, of course.)

 

[Netzach]

I've seen a lot of PYLs say that they demand complete emotional honesty from their pyls, and I was wondering about the flip side to that. How much information do PYLs provide about their emotional state? How does this work in your relationship? If the pyl pushes an emotional issue, does that change the power dynamic for you?

I'm pretty open-book as a person. It's just my personality that it's pretty much out there without much subtext.

 

[Marquis]

I seem to remember starting a thread with almost this exact same title some time ago. Maybe I just thought of it.

There is an excellent book by David Deida called The Way of The Superior Man. It acts as a spiritual guide for those with masculine spirits in their dealings with the feminine life force. It's a little hokey, but manages to be both incredibly profound and to the point simultaneously.

His theory is that the vast majority of people are dominated by either a masculine or feminine essence. Although the book is mostly written from and for the perspective of standard hetero relationships, he prefaces this by saying that you could just as easily be a man with a feminine essence in a relationship with a woman with a masculine essence, or a homosexual couple with differing essences. He feels that sexual energy exists in the polarity between these two essences and I tend to agree with him. He does acknowledge that some people tend to be fairly neutral in their essences and the information in his book wouldn't be particularly useful to him.

There is a tremendous amount of crossover between what he says and the motifs in the ongoing D/s conversation and I recommend the book heartily to anyone experiencing the kind of questions you seem to be asking snoozebutton.

 

[Adakgirl]

I highly recommend this book...it explains the differences in the way men and women communicate.
http://www.harpercollins.com/book/index.aspx?isbn=9780060959623

I learned a lot from it

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I seem to remember starting a thread with almost this exact same title some time ago. Maybe I just thought of it.

There is an excellent book by David Deida called The Way of The Superior Man. It acts as a spiritual guide for those with masculine spirits in their dealings with the feminine life force. It's a little hokey, but manages to be both incredibly profound and to the point simultaneously.

His theory is that the vast majority of people are dominated by either a masculine or feminine essence. Although the book is mostly written from and for the perspective of standard hetero relationships, he prefaces this by saying that you could just as easily be a man with a feminine essence in a relationship with a woman with a masculine essence, or a homosexual couple with differing essences. He feels that sexual energy exists in the polarity between these two essences and I tend to agree with him. He does acknowledge that some people tend to be fairly neutral in their essences and the information in his book wouldn't be particularly useful to him.

There is a tremendous amount of crossover between what he says and the motifs in the ongoing D/s conversation and I recommend the book heartily to anyone experiencing the kind of questions you seem to be asking snoozebutton.

Thank you a very thought provoking post. I will most definately look into this book. As have been pondering this post and it does add a new dimension to my understanding.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

OK, be patient with me as trying to verbalize a jumbled series of thoughts. My biggest disconnect is the follow through. Sharing and learning need a definitive resolution for me ideally. But relationships are a process. So my red zones with those I love is my lack of follow up or further exploration of issues that may not get my notice when mentioned. Even a casual few words to gently remind me of past chat may go unnoticed. And the lack of my seeing the true weight the issue meant to her. It leads to her not being as willing to share and the issue growing. It becomes the proverbial straw on camels back. Working on how to communicate how I truly feel. And what I desire from M/s relationship so can get better road signs to smoother and clearer journey.

 

[Marquis]

OK, be patient with me as trying to verbalize a jumbled series of thoughts. My biggest disconnect is the follow through. Sharing and learning need a definitive resolution for me ideally. But relationships are a process. So my red zones with those I love is my lack of follow up or further exploration of issues that may not get my notice when mentioned. Even a casual few words to gently remind me of past chat may go unnoticed. And the lack of my seeing the true weight the issue meant to her. It leads to her not being as willing to share and the issue growing. It becomes the proverbial straw on camels back. Working on how truly feel and what I desire from so can get better road signs to smoother journey.

Seriously dude, get the book.

He discusses just this effect in one chapter.

Basically his idea is that every man needs to reach a point where he stops wishing his woman will get easier, as we are all prone to do. You have to stop trying to fix her, because you cannot. The ways of the feminine will always seem chaotic to the ordered and consequential nature of man.

But in realizing this, and "letting go", you can offer her more love which is what she really needs and what will really get her to focus on your masculine needs.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Seriously dude, get the book.

He discusses just this effect in one chapter.

Basically his idea is that every man needs to reach a point where he stops wishing his woman will get easier, as we are all prone to do. You have to stop trying to fix her, because you cannot. The ways of the feminine will always seem chaotic to the ordered and consequential nature of man.

But in realizing this, and "letting go", you can offer her more love which is what she really needs and what will really get her to focus on your masculine needs.

Now know gotta hit amazon.

 

[nh23]

It took me a long time to realize that the fact that I needed to say something did not necessarily mean that it would be heard.

I'm still in the process of leaning this.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It took me a long time to realize that the fact that I needed to say something did not necessarily mean that it would be heard.

The first time that happened to me I was stunned and hurt. I walked around in a daze for about 48hrs, mentally questioning every aspect of our dynamic.

Then I realised that I had also spent that time horny as fuck. I had been on a slow burn while I accepted that truth and when we next came to play together, I was a totally different slave; more accepting and if you'll believe it, more grounded.

I ceded the right to be heard with love and trust, never expecting that he would ever flex that particular dom muscle. Now I understand it's not the individual steps that are taken that I focus on, but the overall meandering route of the journey.

And fuck alone knows where we'll one day end up.

 

[WriterDom]

Seriously dude, get the book.

He discusses just this effect in one chapter.

Basically his idea is that every man needs to reach a point where he stops wishing his woman will get easier, as we are all prone to do. You have to stop trying to fix her, because you cannot. The ways of the feminine will always seem chaotic to the ordered and consequential nature of man.

But in realizing this, and "letting go", you can offer her more love which is what she really needs and what will really get her to focus on your masculine needs.

Yes, it's a good book that I haven't read in years. Wonder if I still have it?

 

[BiBunny]

The first time that happened to me I was stunned and hurt. I walked around in a daze for about 48hrs, mentally questioning every aspect of our dynamic.

Then I realised that I had also spent that time horny as fuck. I had been on a slow burn while I accepted that truth and when we next came to play together, I was a totally different slave; more accepting and if you'll believe it, more grounded.

I ceded the right to be heard with love and trust, never expecting that he would ever flex that particular dom muscle. Now I understand it's not the individual steps that are taken that I focus on, but the overall meandering route of the journey.

And fuck alone knows where we'll one day end up.

I admire people who can do this, who can accept this. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.

 

[rinka]

I need to be heard.

For me it's usually more about the process than the result. Having a good talk about something is often more important than resolving it. Here we often collide. The whole fixing or just listening. Responding even without having answers.

I think I'm more about the "how" than the "why" or "what".

If I get it out and it's being recieved I can much more easily let go.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I admire people who can do this, who can accept this. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.

You've got to play to your strengths when deciding how to define and live within a PE dynamic. So many people slap labels on themselves and try to fit themselves into the dynamic their SO/s want or that they think they should be in. Knowing what's right for you and what you can realistically offer to a PYL in the long term is no small feat and I admire anyone who can say they're in the right relationship/dynamic, with the right person/people and for the right reasons.

Sometimes I wonder if I come across as subbier-than-thou without intending to.

 

[BiBunny]

You've got to play to your strengths when deciding how to define and live within a PE dynamic. So many people slap labels on themselves and try to fit themselves into the dynamic their SO/s want or that they think they should be in. Knowing what's right for you and what you can realistically offer to a PYL in the long term is no small feat and I admire anyone who can say they're in the right relationship/dynamic, with the right person/people and for the right reasons.

Sometimes I wonder if I come across as subbier-than-thou without intending to.

Nah. Not at all. If were to make a list of subbier-than-thou people, your name would not be on it.

I wasn't trying to be snarky, either, in case it came across that way. I really wish I could just, you know, accept things. But I can't, which is one reason I question applying the "slave" label to myself, anyhow.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Nah. Not at all. If were to make a list of subbier-than-thou people, your name would not be on it.

I wasn't trying to be snarky, either, in case it came across that way. I really wish I could just, you know, accept things. But I can't, which is one reason I question applying the "slave" label to myself, anyhow.

To my mind the 'slave' label signifies a deep seated desire to serve in all aspects of a relationship, with the intention of it being a lifelong commitment and an acknowledgement that (abuse and other extremes excluded) the decision to end the relationship lies solely with the PYL/s.

Beyond that, the rest is detail IMHO.

 

[intothewoods]

I admire people who can do this, who can accept this. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.

It could be because I'm tired but I was thinking - I really should not be heard all the time!

Seriously. I sometimes get my panties in a bunch and need to just be sent to the corner.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It could be because I'm tired but I was thinking - I really should not be heard all the time!

Seriously. I sometimes get my panties in a bunch and need to just be sent to the corner.

Yup. Just cause I suddenly decide something's important to me, doesn't make it prescient in the grander scheme of things. It's just a more domly way of saying 'shut the fuck up and get over yourself cos we both know I'm the important one here.'

Sometimes I do need that.

 

[graceanne]

Basically his idea is that every man needs to reach a point where he stops wishing his woman will get easier, as we are all prone to do. You have to stop trying to fix her, because you cannot. The ways of the feminine will always seem chaotic to the ordered and consequential nature of man.

This reminds me of a joke.


A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish".

The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

This reminds me of a joke.


A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish".

The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

hehe good one, Gracie!


All this talking about how men don't get us women reminded me this song. Think the text is writen very well.

Read and learn!!



To really love a woman, to understand her
You gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought, see every dream
An' give her wings when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
You tell her, that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
'Cuz she needs somebody
To tell her that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really, really ever loved a woman?
Yeah

To really love a woman, let her hold you
Til' you know how she needs to be touched
You've gotta breathe her, really taste her
Til' you can feel her in your blood
An' when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
You tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
'Cuz she needs somebody
To tell her that you'll always be together
So tell me have you ever really
Really, really ever loved a woman?

Oh
You've got to give her some faith, hold her tight
A little tenderness, you gotta treat her right
She will be there for you, takin' good care of you
You really gotta love your woman, ya

And when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
You tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
'Cuz she needs somebody
To tell her that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really, really ever loved a woman?
Yeah

Just tell me have you ever really
Really, really, ever loved a woman?
Oh
Just tell me have you ever really
Really, really, ever loved a woman?






But seriously, you men need a manual too!! lol

 

[rinka]

It could be because I'm tired but I was thinking - I really should not be heard all the time!

Seriously. I sometimes get my panties in a bunch and need to just be sent to the corner.

Well... this is very true of me as well...

And sometimes it's hard to know the difference from those times and the times I really need to be heard. Sometimes I don't know the difference myself at the time, so it's probably quite difficult for someone else to know.

And sometimes I know.... but I'm not telling.

 

[Netzach]

Seriously dude, get the book.

He discusses just this effect in one chapter.

Basically his idea is that every man needs to reach a point where he stops wishing his woman will get easier, as we are all prone to do. You have to stop trying to fix her, because you cannot. The ways of the feminine will always seem chaotic to the ordered and consequential nature of man.

But in realizing this, and "letting go", you can offer her more love which is what she really needs and what will really get her to focus on your masculine needs.

I so have crossed wires. Fortunately, so does M. I can't count the number of times I am supposed to know not to do X because he told me he doesn't like it a month ago, and fuck, I can't even keep track of this morning. Sorry, you have to put a note in my lunchbox for me to even realize it's an issue four times.