Meeting People into BDSM

[cellis]

'Tis true, but the odds are often against it and if you are serious about what you wnat and where you want to be, why hang in the old playground looking for what you haven't found there before when you know there is another ballpark where all yours dreams and questions can be answered. Just my opinion, and based on my own experience of not wanting to waste any more precious time so going to where I knew I had a chance of finding what I sought.

Catalina

So true!

I am surprised at the suggestions that you just look for a "vanilla" relationship and then ask the guy if he would like to spank you...

I cannot begin to tell you how many threads have been started here from people wanting to turn their mates into submissives or dominants. Those people are so conflicted because they have a S/O in their lives that cannot meet their needs.

Just a suggestion but put an ad on alt.com or bondage.com or both... They used to be free to women who post their photos at alt.com and I think bondage.com still has free limited access... I know Himself and I have an ad on both sites... we only pay for the one at alt.com.

Look in the internet and find your nearest local group. Attend a munch. Make some friends... new people are always welcome.

Of course that is just my opinion for what it is worth.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Look at her first post again. She is asking how people "found" their first real life BDSM relationship. She has already seemed to discount personal ads and even declined a subsequent invitation to a munch.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=181711

The above poll demonstrates that most people had their first BDSM before turning 25. So how did two-thirds of the people "find" that early experience? By going to munches and posting advertisements at alternative sites? lol C'mon! I think SexyChele's answer is very typical for a lot of people: Exploring with a trustworthy and open-minded partner.

That was my experience as well. I was 18 years old, I had a girlfriend and we really liked each other, we were very open and trusting....so I made some overtures and she was receptive. And I don't know if I give off a certain vibe or if I select certain types of women, or if I have some BDSM version of a "gaydar" or something, but I can usually find intelligent and sophisticated women who enjoy being submissive in the bedroom.

Anyway, the thread starter merely has fantasies. She just wants to give things a try. She is not a hardcore person who has decided BDSM is a permanent way of life. People telling her to post her picture at bondage.com? Sometimes the advice around here encourages people to run when they are still trying to crawl.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Full respect to people who use internet and personal ads, I am just giving the perspective that you can also find what you want from dating the general population.

Yes but for every post like yours, there are 10 others that state the opposite.

People who meet in the general population has the nasty habit of not being truthful with each other. Women morph into the perfect (or what they think is the perfect sex partner) so they can be seen as an attractive date.

What this usually means is that they will not be seen as being very "abnormal" cause they do not want to be rejected.

Now if you are a masochist, that means you have to tread very lightly indeed.

I still think that anyone who wants to explore their masochistic side would do well to join a BDSM group, and meet people who know what they are doing. Watch others do that you can see if they really know what they are doing.

Most reputable groups give demonstrations and classes. I would not put my faith in a novice. That is how people get hurt.

 

[cellis]

Yes but for every post like yours, there are 10 others that state the opposite.

People who meet in the general population has the nasty habit of not being truthful with each other. Women morph into the perfect (or what they think is the perfect sex partner) so they can be seen as an attractive date.

What this usually means is that they will not be seen as being very "abnormal" cause they do not want to be rejected.

Now if you are a masochist, that means you have to tread very lightly indeed.

I still think that anyone who wants to explore their masochistic side would do well to join a BDSM group, and meet people who know what they are doing. Watch others do that you can see if they really know what they are doing.

Most reputable groups give demonstrations and classes. I would not put my faith in a novice. That is how people get hurt.

Exactly!

Thanks Eb!

 

[Ebonyfire]

And finally,

please, for the love of the Goddess, stay away from anyone offering you an online collar.

 

[cellis]

Re: And finally,

please, for the love of the Goddess, stay away from anyone offering you an online collar.

What Eb? You mean I don't get your collar?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: And finally,

What Eb? You mean I don't get your collar?

That is another thread, and they are going fast at $100 a pop!

 

[morninggirl5]

Look at her first post again. She is asking how people "found" their first real life BDSM relationship. She has already seemed to discount personal ads and even declined a subsequent invitation to a munch.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=181711

The above poll demonstrates that most people had their first BDSM before turning 25. So how did two-thirds of the people "find" that early experience? By going to munches and posting advertisements at alternative sites? lol C'mon! I think SexyChele's answer is very typical for a lot of people: Exploring with a trustworthy and open-minded partner.

That was my experience as well. I was 18 years old, I had a girlfriend and we really liked each other, we were very open and trusting....so I made some overtures and she was receptive. And I don't know if I give off a certain vibe or if I select certain types of women, or if I have some BDSM version of a "gaydar" or something, but I can usually find intelligent and sophisticated women who enjoy being submissive in the bedroom.

Anyway, the thread starter merely has fantasies. She just wants to give things a try. She is not a hardcore person who has decided BDSM is a permanent way of life. People telling her to post her picture at bondage.com? Sometimes the advice around here encourages people to run when they are still trying to crawl.

The thread starter said she felt isolated, she's reluctant to use personals because she is worried about a bad first experience. The best way to prevent that is to go slowly and become a part of a community that will help her through the first steps and help her see the warning signs.

Munches are great for that. This forum and others like it are helpful, as well.

Meeting someone and then introducing her fantasies is probably the last things i'd advise someone exploring their submissive fantasies to do. If he's just not interested, but she's developed a relationship, then she's going to be left deciding which is more important. Or it could turn out to be someone who has no conception of BDSM or D/s and it moves into the realms of abuse.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Meeting someone and then introducing her fantasies is probably the last things i'd advise someone exploring their submissive fantasies to do. If he's just not interested, but she's developed a relationship, then she's going to be left deciding which is more important. Or it could turn out to be someone who has no conception of BDSM or D/s and it moves into the realms of abuse.

But I am not certain our thread starter is a submissive. We all know that you can be masochistic without submissive leanings.

If she is a masochist, that means that she could very well put herself in danger when allowing someone she does not know beat her.

So it is wise to find a way to see this person in action, before giving him access and opportunity.

 

[serijules]

I met nearly everyone I have played with or had relationships with online, actually, all in the same chatroom. I found a chatroom and was lucky enough to find one of the rare, honest, friendly and REAL chatrooms out there. A group of people that mostly all knew each other in real life, got together often for play parties, and had a wide mix of kinks. I ended up meeting someone that was close to my area and played, and now I have a relationship with somone I've been friends with in the room for years and had met many times prior to our relationship forming.

A lot of people diss chatrooms, and maybe I'm biased because my first chatroom experience happened to be fantastic and lead to many long, lasting and true friendships, but I still think it is a great place to start if you have enough common sense to figure out what is fake and what is not.

 

[Ebonyfire]

snip... but I still think it is a great place to start if you have enough common sense to figure out what is fake and what is not.

Ah, there's the rub!

 

[serijules]

Ah, there's the rub!

well, yes, there is always a catch you know *grin*

 

[Ebonyfire]

well, yes, there is always a catch you know *grin*

I am glad to hear someone had a positive experience with a chat room. I have nothing against them, I just hate to spend that much time talking with folks.

I barely answer My phone.

 

[serijules]

I am glad to hear someone had a positive experience with a chat room. I have nothing against them, I just hate to spend that much time talking with folks.

I barely answer My phone.

To be honest, I probably would not love my chatrooms and instant messangers so much if I were not deaf. But it's my only chance at really being equal in a group setting (such as actually being able to follow a convo with more than one person, never missing anything that is said, etc). Chat is my hearing world, so it has a particularily strong hold over me. As much as I love the play parties with those same people in person, I actually enjoy the online time more, simply because I don't have to try so hard to follow.

I never answer my phone either *snicker*

 

[Ebonyfire]

To be honest, I probably would not love my chatrooms and instant messangers so much if I were not deaf. But it's my only chance at really being equal in a group setting (such as actually being able to follow a convo with more than one person, never missing anything that is said, etc). Chat is my hearing world, so it has a particularily strong hold over me. As much as I love the play parties with those same people in person, I actually enjoy the online time more, simply because I don't have to try so hard to follow.

I never answer my phone either *snicker*

You know, I knew that, I knew you were deaf, but I always forget. Old timers I guess! LOL

 

[morninggirl5]

But I am not certain our thread starter is a submissive. We all know that you can be masochistic without submissive leanings.

If she is a masochist, that means that she could very well put herself in danger when allowing someone she does not know beat her.

So it is wise to find a way to see this person in action, before giving him access and opportunity.

I was looking at the emotional risks involved in introducing BDSM, the physical ones would be even greater. Think of a flogger, cane, or whip in the hands of an amateur. *Shudder*

 

[WriterDom]

I was looking at the emotional risks involved in introducing BDSM, the physical ones would be even greater. Think of a flogger, cane, or whip in the hands of an amateur. *Shudder*

There isn't a Dom/me that didn't pass through an amateur stage. But I think most amateurs start with amateur toys. Floggers are relatively safe. Canes are too if you don't go overboard. Whips are another story, but I've been involved for 6 years or so and just starting to think about buying a whip. As long as the Dom/me shares your concern about safety, I wouldn't shudder about his/her experience level.

 

[WriterDom]

I was looking at the emotional risks involved in introducing BDSM, the physical ones would be even greater. Think of a flogger, cane, or whip in the hands of an amateur. *Shudder*

There isn't a Dom/me that didn't pass through an amateur stage. But I think most amateurs start with amateur toys. Floggers are relatively safe. Canes are too if you don't go overboard. Whips are another story, but I've been involved for 6 years or so and just starting to think about buying a whip. As long as the Dom/me shares your concern about safety, I wouldn't shudder about his/her experience level.

 

[serijules]

But I think most amateurs start with amateur toys. Floggers are relatively safe. Canes are too if you don't go overboard.

I completely disagree with this. Canes in the hands of an amateur (without the presence of a mentor) is nothing but stupidity in my opinion. I still have scars from my experience with such, and the Dom wasn't even really what many would consider an amateur since he had general knowledge of the implement and apparently a lot of practice. Not enough to know that drawing blood and wrapping to impact my hip perhaps meant he didn't quite know how to handle the thing.

A cane is one of the very last implements I would consider to be "amateur". Yes, everyone was an amateur at some point, but to consider a cane safe in the hands of said amateur is asking for trouble.

Just my opinion of course, but an opinion gained with scars to show for it, well over a year later.

 

[WriterDom]

I completely disagree with this. Canes in the hands of an amateur (without the presence of a mentor) is nothing but stupidity in my opinion. I still have scars from my experience with such, and the Dom wasn't even really what many would consider an amateur since he had general knowledge of the implement and apparently a lot of practice. Not enough to know that drawing blood and wrapping to impact my hip perhaps meant he didn't quite know how to handle the thing.

A cane is one of the very last implements I would consider to be "amateur". Yes, everyone was an amateur at some point, but to consider a cane safe in the hands of said amateur is asking for trouble.

Just my opinion of course, but an opinion gained with scars to show for it, well over a year later.

The same could be said with a wooden spoon. Or anything harder than the hand.

 

[serijules]

The same could be said with a wooden spoon. Or anything harder than the hand.

I think there is quite a gap between a wooden spoon and a cane.

The worst I've ever had happen to me with a wooden spoon was a couple breaking across my ass. I felt more sorry for the spoon than my ass.

 

[ammre]

my first encounter with bdsm: a porn video i found in my dad's stash (i don't think he's into it i just think it was a random one he had, and also no there's no incest i was young and there was intresting videos to be watched) ANYWAY, than i played with little clips and once i realized i was never going to have a boyfriend i gave up on all of that stuff... fast forward to 17 years old, I have my first boyfriend, my friends invite me to this goth/industrial club... it's a friday night, friday nights are dungeon nights... What the hell is a dungeon night? I find out, so does He... We become intrested (me more-so). Nothing happens, I get disappointed... Than said friends who invited me to club, invite me to birthday party. General population of people who attend said birthday party are also involved in lifestyle, they decide to demonstrait proper whipping/cropping of a sub, i was the sub... Boyfriend becomes intrested again.

End story: we now have 2 riding crops and 3 whips and a few langths of chord
and if me and Him were ever to break up i still know y friends who can introduce me to others in the lifestyle...

It's good to know people.. or at least one people who will let oyu meet more people and more people... jsut branch out... I ment my said ffriends through a one night stand (i had the one night stand, than he got a gf, i met gf we became friends and now i know all of her friends....)
I shal be attenting a play party on the 9th and i'm mad excited... i'm being dommed by my one night stand's gf and my boyfriend (Now dosen't that sound wrong?)

heh nto to bring up the dreaded movie again btu when you asked this question i couldn't help think of hte part in "Secratary" where she's looking for men... Hee Hee.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think there is quite a gap between a wooden spoon and a cane.

The worst I've ever had happen to me with a wooden spoon was a couple breaking across my ass. I felt more sorry for the spoon than my ass.

I too can relate to your view of the cane in the hands of an amateur Serijules, and at times even a more experienced D, especially one who does not know the body of the sub s/he is playing with. As a non-physicist I would hazard to guess a wooden spoon is a smaller implement which necessarily is close range, therefore eliminates to an extent the impetus alone experienced from the swing of a more flexible cane. I also think the solid width, unlike the long, thin strip of a cane, changes the dynamics to some extent, the latter tending to momentarily embed itself in and around the flesh instead of simply striking it in a flattening fashion of the spoon. For this reason, not only is there the risk of deep long lasting bruising, but also much easier accidental breakage of the skin.

Catalina

 

[Chastity_girl]

For me

You all have been very helpful. I have been doing quite a bit of self analysis recently and have found that I am masochistic (damn I wish I could spell) and not so much submissive, I have a feeling this is going to be much harder to explore IRL. Any suggestions?

Thanks,
CN

I fould that I had feeelings of submissiveness all my life, but they were well hidden. A part of my sexuality and sybmissiveness comes from "receiving" some physical stimulus from my dom.

Although there may be manu more with "more experience", I woudl think that it is like any part of a bigger relationship, and wih the right partner you can "lead" (not a great word, - I'll try to think of another..) the relationship towards what you need.

I could be a simple as: when you have made some mistake, you can playfully say "do I have to get spanked for that? I don;t know many who would refuse it. When he does so, let him know during it (non-verbally) that you are enjoying it. If you have intercourse immediately afterwards - great (just like Pavlvo - stimulus - response).

I hoped this helped a little.
Chastity_girl

 

[Chastity_girl]

continued

I do agree, that it needs to be the right person. I was in a LTR where nothing could make the man be a sexual being - so all the invits in the world would have failed. ....