More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

Dear Barbara,

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC

Dear Ms. Streisand:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard and heeded here in Washington.

You will be please to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens
like you, I will be announcing today the creation of a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called "Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers," or LARK.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one Al Qaeda terrorist under your personal care. Your very own personal terrorist detainee has already been selected and will be arriving at your home under heavy armed guard next Monday. His name is Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud, but you can just call him Ahmed. He is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment to my office. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those standards you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses that hand to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard). But look on the bright side ... no increased toilet paper expenses.

Ahmed generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your own personal detainee has a terribly bad case of body lice that we have been unable to completely remedy.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's portable cage: "Does not play well with others." Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your liberal sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these antisocial character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

Ahmed will, given a chance, bite you. We have included a copy of his latest rabies test, which showed negative results.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish a human life with simple household items such as a pencil or nail clippers. We suggest that you refrain from asking him to demonstrate these skills for your morning coffee klatch.

Ahmed is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons. To facilitate this education you may wish to have several copies of the Q'uran available for his use.

Oh - and rest assured that Ahmed absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. Roasted will be fine, but dog-kabob works perfectly well.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think that watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact. So, we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in the performing arts to your place of business in the next few days, just to help you do your singing better. Please, don't be concerned that our federal observation team has the power to close your show, seize your property and arrest you for any violation of 4,850,750 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They are really there to help and to make sure you do everything in the proper way.

Thanks again for this opportunity to interact with such a valued and compassionate member of the American family. You take good care of Ahmed, you hear? And let us know when you think he is ready to be released into American society.

Very truly yours,
George W. Bush.

 

[Rybka]

HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2035

NEWSPAPER HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of The Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

 

[Rybka]

Corporate Lessons

Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in Time with your stareholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure .

-----------------------------------------
Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It read, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
----------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 3

Usually the staff of the company play football.
The middle level managers are more interested in tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls get smaller.
-------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 4

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says," I usually grant only three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." - Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." - Poof! He's gone too.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.


Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Rybka]

Karmadog writes to Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about ! five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...: There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.


Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself? - Including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

 

[lickmyboot]

hee! hee!

Rybka..you are the catch of the day! Thanks for the grins!

 

[Rybka]

Subject...In the Beginning

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth..
And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit.

And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald's.

And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them."

And so Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt,
That Woman might keep her figure,
But the Devil brought forth chocolate..
And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus?
I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them/"

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needeth its own platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes.

And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil to change between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the lowly potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin
And sliced the starchy center into chips
And did deep-fat fry them.

And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw all this and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And to cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body, while feeling righteous
Because he had to drinkest now twice as much to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva the Chocolate,
And upon returning asked unto Man, "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil whispered unto Man, "Always tell the truth."
And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man
And dwelt in the land of the Divorce Lawyer,
East of the Marriage Counselor.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

 

[_Land]

Some Historic sayings and where they came from

Interesting History

Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May
and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell;
so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Baths consisted
of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of
the nice clean water, then all the other sons and
men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then
the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it-hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." Houses had thatched
roofs - thick straw - piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only
place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof-hence the saying "It's
raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into
the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other
droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big
posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how
canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had
something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."
The wealthy had tile floors and it was slippery when it rained and got wet,
so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As
the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the
entranceway, hence, a "thresh hold." In those old days, they cooked in the
kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they
lit the fire and added things to
the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would
eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight
and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had
been there for quite awhile - hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas
porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could
obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over,
they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a
man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with
guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." Those with money had
plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead
to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most
often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
considered poisonous. Most people did not have pewter plates, but had
trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often
trenchers were made from stale bread, which was so old and hard that they
could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of
times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy,
moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth." Bread was divided according
to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the
middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." Lead cups were used to
drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a
couple of days. Someone walking along theroad would take them for dead and
prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple
of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see
if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake." England is old
and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and
reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1outof 25 coffins were found
to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realized they had been burying
people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the
corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the
"graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by
the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." And that's the truth...
(whoever said that History was boring?)

 

[WickedEve]

land

"Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days."

If I had to live the way those people did, then I would gladly accept being knocked out for a couple of days.

 

[Rybka]

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary
School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals
of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

 

[Angeline]

Book Titles

I've seen these before Rybka and they are too much. My personal favorite is "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry."

 

[Rybka]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS:

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
.............................................................
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
...............................................................
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
..................................................................
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
...................................................................
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
...................................................................
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
....................................................................
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of
three, then line up in a circle." ( and some of them actually knew what to do?)
..................................................................
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
...................................................................
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
...................................................................
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
..................................................................
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
...................................................................
(THIS ONE IS PRICELESS!!!!)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
....................................................................
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
.....................................................................
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

 

[Rybka]

Kids!

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. Mine says I'm four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

 

[Rybka]

For all the blondes out there!

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The swelling throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot as if she was in a hurry to get somewhere, but never budged from the sidewalk.

The cop ran the traffic through seven more cycles, each time blowing his whistle and then yelling "Okay, pedestrians!" The blonde never moved.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the eighth time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"

 

[Rybka]

100 reasons it's great to be a guy!

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about cars.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot
of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
you go.
17. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment".
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is less than $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can take your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You don't care if your shit stinks.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are
wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.

 

[Rybka]

Beth Jokes

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her sister, Beth. When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her sister had named the twins, she became very worried, because Beth wasn't a very bright woman. She was sure she had named them something absurd or stupid. When she saw her sister she asked her about the twins. Beth said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What did you name her?!?"
Beth: "Denise!" The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
Beth: "The second one was a boy."
The Mom:
"Oh, and what did you name him??"
Beth: "Denephew."

~*~

Beth walks into the drug store and asks for a package of condoms. The pharmacist says, "That'll be $5.00 with the tax." "Tacks", Beth exclaims, "Wow, and I thought you guys just rolled them on!"

 

[beths-virtue]

Re: Beth Jokes

Beth walks into the drug store and asks for a package of condoms. The pharmacist says, "That'll be $5.00 with the tax." "Tacks", Beth exclaims, "Wow, and I thought you guys just rolled them on!" [/B][/QUOTE]


tacks, well, that explains the failure rate, dont it ....
of course, that also explains my uncanny ability to screw up every good zipless fuck ive ever had a chance at.....
thanks rybka, except for the none too bright comment, which im too stupid to take personally any how

 

[beths-virtue]

of course , we all know the best thing about being a woman is we can indepth describe the entire surgical procedure of a vasectomy with out turning green or cringing in imagined pain....

 

[beths-virtue]

After having their 11th child, a Missouri couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Mo.), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Show me stater said to the doctor, "I might not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Missouri. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that two, learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he stopped, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. ~~~~~~~~~~~

This medical procedure also works in Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky and Arkansas.

 

[beths-virtue]

You and your Penis an Owners Manual

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to the world-wide family of penis owners. We trust that you will enjoy many years of trouble-free service from yours. To help ensure that you will, we encourage you to familiarise yourself with the following equipment descriptions, operating instructions and maintenance requirements.

BODY AND INTERIOR SPECIFICATIONS (all model years)

PENIS

Average length and diameter (flaccid)
3.5 x 1.25 inches

Average length and diameter (erect)
5.1 x 1.6 inches

Average percent increase in volume, flaccid to erect
300% (wow!)

Longest medically recorded erection
12 inches

Amount of blood in erect penis
8 to 10 x normal

Average erections per night (while sleeping)
5

Average duration of each nocturnal erection
20 to 30 minutes

Estimated replacement value (good condition model)
£50,000


CAUTION! The following can shrink a relaxed penis by two inches or more:-
Cold weather, chilly baths or showers, sexual activity, exhaustion, excitement (non sexual), illness and Richard Branson.

TESTICLES

Average length and width
1.4 x 1 inch

Average weight
0.875 x 1.75 ounces

Temperature
94.6 degrees Fahrenheit

Compartments within each
400

SPERM

Average body's production
50,000 per minute/72 million per day (and remember lads, it only takes 1!)

Days to maturity
84

Number in ejaculate of average fertile man
200 to 600 million

Number of ejaculate of infertile man
less than 50 million

Percentage of total ejaculate
3%

Average swimming speed
1 to 4 millimetres per minute

Average life span once mature
1 month in you, 1 to 2 days in woman, 2 minutes on sheets


CAUTION!
The testicles need to be slightly cooler than normal body temperature for optimum sperm production. That's why they hang away from the body. Hot baths and tight underwear can depress sperm count and movement.

SEMEN

Average volume of ejaculate
0.5 to 1 teaspoon

Chief ingredient
Fructose sugar

Caloric content
5 calories per teaspoon

Protein content
6 milligrams per teaspoon

Average number of ejaculatory spurts
3 to 10

Average interval of ejaculatory contractions
0.8 seconds

Farthest medically recorded ejaculation
11.7 inches

BLADDER

Average capacity
7 to 13 ounces

Normal flow
7 to 8 ounces per 10 seconds


OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS

DIRECT THE FLOW OF URINE The penis contains a narrow hose called the urethra that is attached to the bladder. As the urine level approaches the bladder's maximum capacity line, you get the urge to pull over. When released, urine is flushed through the urethra, out the tip of the penis and, according to most women, usually on to the floor next to the toilet. Acting as a regulator for this process is the Pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. This is what you flex to stop urine flow or rid yourself of those last few drops. (It can also serve as an orgasm regulator. See Troubleshooting" later in this document.)

BECOME RIGID ENOUGH TO ALLOW PENETRATION DURING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE Your penis is equipped with twin hydraulic chambers. During sexual stimulation, these fill with blood until the penis grows firm and erect. After stimulation ends or there's ejaculation, blood leaves these chambers and the penis softens again. There is usually a recovery or "refractory" period ranging from a few minutes to a full day (depending on the equipment's age) before another erection can occur. About half of the penis is hidden inside the body, even when erect. It is fastened to the pelvis undercarriage for support.


CAUTION! Any impact to the area where the penis attaches to the pelvis can disrupt its hydraulic function.

DEPOSIT SEMEN WITHIN THE VAGINA DURING EJACULATION Sperm is manufactured inside the testicles, those two ball joints below the drive shaft. From here, it passes into a soft, fibrous organ behind each testicle called the epididymis, where it acquires the long tail necessary for swimming. Sperm then enters the Vas Deferens for storage. This thin hose loops around and splices into the urethra just below the bladder. When it's time to shift into sexual high gear, sperm is mixed with liquid from the prostate gland and adjoining seminal vesicles. The resulting transmission fluid, called semen, gathers in a holding tank, which gradually swells to pinch the bladder shut and prevent urine from trickling in. Finally the semen is expelled from the body via the urethra by a series of muscular contractions.

STARTING THE ENGINE

The key to your sexual ignition is not between your legs, it's inside your head. The brain is man's biggest sex organ, sending nerve impulses running down the spinal cord to trigger an erection. Keep in mind though that since arousal is an electrical spark travelling the neural motorway it can be dulled by a repetitive commute. So vary your starting procedure, explore side roads, stop at a roadside service area, let your partner drive, or, when applicable, road-test a new model.

HARD STARTING OR STALLING

If your penis fails to become erect, even after repeated cranking, or if you have trouble maintaining an erection, let it idle for a while. Just about every man experiences an occasional erection problem, so try not to let it bother you. If you do it can develop into a psychological problem that can require extensive systems analysis to remedy. Chances are you are just temporarily flooded with work worries, anxiety or fatigue - all of which can temporarily foul your engine. If the problem continues, ask your mechanic about a new injector. Certain drugs can be injected directly into the penis, producing longer lasting (one hour or more) erections within moments. Coming onto the market is a plunger-type system that inserts a small pellet of erection producing medication into the tip of the penis. Another solution is a vacuum constriction device: when the penis is inserted into this cylinder and the attached pump engages, a vacuum is produced that causes blood to flow into the penile shaft. A rubber ring is then slipped onto the base of the penis to trap the blood in the shaft. As a last resort, you may want to consider upgrading to a penile implant. (See "Available options/upgrades").

WARNING!
Never operate your penis while under the influence of alcohol. Although alcohol lowers inhibitions, most men have less than optimum erections when inebriated. The fear this generates can lead to more frequent bouts of impotence.

SPARE TYRE

Your privates did not come equipped with a spare tyre. Any roll of fat around your middle was an after-market acquisition that will void the warranty if left in place. It not only interferes with sexual performance but also makes the penis look smaller. Men naturally deposit fat in their abdomen, which includes the area at the base of the penis. As the spare tyre inflates, this pad thickens and eventually engulfs a portion of the organ - one inch for every 35 extra pounds. Being overweight is also commonly linked atherosclerosis, or narrowing of the arteries, a primary cause of impotence. It also makes you look silly.

RUNNING-IN PERIOD

o ensure a long, active life for your privates. It's recommended that you engage in frequent sex. According to noted body mechanics Masters and Johnson, "When the male is stimulated to high sexual output during his formative years and a similar tenor of activity is established for the 31 to 40 year age range, his latter years are usually marked by maintained sexuality.

ACCELERATION 0-60 MPH

Independent testing shows that it generally takes three to five minutes for the flaccid penis of a young male to become fully erect once sexual stimulation begins. This reaction at least doubles with age.

WARNING!
Avoid rapid acceleration on slick surfaces. Failing to do so could cause partial or complete loss of control.

SUDDEN STOPS

Slamming on the brakes whilst driving at high speed can result in a painful condition. During sexual stimulation, blood gathers in the testicles. If ejaculation doesn't occur and sexual excitement continues, the resulting congestion in the arteries in that area causes a dull pain, like that of an aching muscle.

HANDLING

In order to become familiar with the natural feel of your equipment and learn how it responds in different situations high speed sexual driving on a closed circuit can be helpful. According to a recent survey, nearly one tenth of British men do this weekly (a greater ration in the North of England naturally). And contrary to popular belief , it will not harm your equipment, in fact, it can be viewed as good practice lap for sex, where you're forever flirting with the limits of control.

ENGAGING THE CHOKE

To postpone ejaculation and extend love making, engage "the choke". This technique involves firmly squeezing the top of the penis just behind it's head prior to orgasm.

FUEL REQUIREMENTS

Your privates were designed and developed for optimum performance and efficiency using high-quality fuel. Low-quality fuels cause cholesterol build-up in arteries and veins, thereby reducing blood flow to and from your privates and causing hard starting or stalling. In fact, every one-point increase in your total cholesterol correlates to an almost 1.5 times greater risk of erection problems. To avoid this use fuel that has a fat combination below 30 percent and is low is cholesterol and high in fibre. Such fill-ups will greatly reduce circulatory-system deposits.

BODY WORK/CHASSIS CONSIDERATIONS

Regular exercise gives the body a deep healthful lustre that lends protection improves performance and helps is hold it's value for longer. Exercise not only makes the body more fit for sex but also stimulates the mind by making you feel sexier. ABS - Your abdominal muscles (abs) are the chief thrusting muscles for intercourse. To strengthen them, do crunches. These exercises are just like sit-ups except that you don't raise your body up as far. Simply lie on your back with your hands crossed over your chest Lift your shoulders six to eight inches off the floor, while trying to bring your chin to your chest. You'll feel a tightening in your gut.

ALIGNMENT

One third of all penile ruptures occur during lovemaking. They're caused by sudden shifts in position or by awkward attempts at parallel parking with the partner on top. The tearing of tissue that occurs within an erect penis is often audible and always extremely painful. Such injures tend to happen where there is a lack of space, such as between the steering wheel and drivers seat. To protect yourself and your passenger always use turn signals before changing positions.

SAFETY BELTS

It's highly recommended that you wear an athletic support (jock strap) for activities that involve running, jumping and sudden movement. This device tucks the testicles close to the undercarriage to protect them from jarring.

CAUTION!
Wearing polyester underwear may contribute to impotence because of the static electricity generated by man made materials. Loose 100% cotton shorts are recommended.

CONDOM DEPLOYMENT

Use only condoms from a sealed package bearing an expiry date. Be careful of fingernails, rings and other objects that could tear or puncture the material. Never open a condom package with your teeth or on your partners spiked collar. Squeeze the air from the receptacle end of the condom and roll it down over the erect penis before penetration occurs. Use only water-based lubricants such as K-Y-Jelly with latex condoms. Petroleum-based brands can damage the condom. During withdrawal, hold the base of the condom to keep it from coming off. And use each condom only once.

MAINTENANCE SCHEDULE

Your privates are the result of centuries of engineering. Before leaving the factory, every effort was made to ensure that they were in good working condition. To keep them running smoothly regular maintenance is required.

TO BE DONE DAILY

It's especially important for uncircumcised men to retract the foreskin and wash around the head of the penis every day.

TO BE DONE WEEKLY (AT LEAST)

Sex is the best exercise for your privates. Regularly flushing the system with nourishing blood and oxygen assures optimum sperm production, prostate health and overall good performance. When intercourse is not possible, consider revving your engine manually.

TO BE CHECKED MONTHLY

After taking a warm bath or shower to relax the scrotum, you should gently roll each testicle between your fingers. It should be smooth and oval shaped, feeling kind of like a hard-boiled egg with out the shell. Compress it gently, searching for any hard areas or lumps that don't feel like the surrounding tissue.

YEARLY INSPECTION

Once your equipment reaches forty years old, have your prostate checked annually. This gland surrounds the urethra like a doughnut and, if left to enlarge, can reduce an older man's urine stream to a dribble. Prostate cancer is also a concern. Both of these problems can be avoided if detected early. A complete yearly inspection should include three things: A digital rectal exam (sorry mate but we're talking finger here, not computer). A blood test for prostate-specific antigens (psa), an early warning sign of trouble. An ultrasound scan to create a visible image of the tissue.

WARNING!
Using your privates for anything other than their intended purpose voids all warranties, written or implied.

SERVICING

The frequency of ejaculation/Intercourse among:-

20-29 year olds = 4-5 times weekly
30-39 year olds = 2-4 times weekly
40-49 year olds = 1-2 times weekly
50-59 year olds = 0-1 times weekly
60 plus = 1-2 times monthly
Shagnasty = 5 times daily! (Oh Yes my friends)

AUTOMATIC SYSTEMS CHECK

Each night, your privates automatically run a self-diagnostic systems check. Most times you will be unaware this is happening. Periodic erections will occur whilst you're asleep, as will an occasional emission. Do not be alarmed. Your privates are simply flushing themselves with fresh blood and oxygen to stay in optimum working condition. If you have a reasonable doubt this is happening, do the following test: Wrap some postage stamps from a roll firmly around the base of your penis and tape the ends together. The next morning, if the stamps are torn along the perforation, you've had an erection. (If you wake up in Newcastle sorting office with a postmark, try the test again, but don't sleep so close to the post-box.)

FLUID LEAKS

After urinating, apply gentle upward pressure under the base of the penis. This will usually squeeze out any remaining drops and prevent any embarrassing stains on the upholstery.

CHECKING UNDER THE BONNET

Your penis comes from the factory with its head completely covered by a fleshly protective foreskin. Some penis owners have had this foreskin surgically removed by an authorized mechanic via circumcision. This is usually performed for religious and/or aesthetic reasons because, if basic hygiene is followed, the presence or absence of a bonnet does not affect sensitivity, sexual performance or susceptibility to mechanical failure.

LUBRICATION ADDING OIL

For extra comfort and performance during long drives or when operating your penis in extremely dry conditions, you'll need to relube. Brands such as K-Y Jelly can be reactivated with a simple spritz of water.

DISPOSING OF USED OIL

When indiscriminately discarded, used oil can foul the bedroom environment. Flavoured lubes leave a sticky residue the required a soap-and-water scrubbing. Most no flavoured brands wipe clean with a towel.

APPEARANCE

Your privates are exposed to the corrosive effects of dirt, perspiration and vaginal fluids (some of which in my experience can be more corrosive than others). To protect the finish, trim and exposed under body , it's important to wash often and thoroughly. Scrub any dirt and salt from crevices in the undercarriage and check that all drain holes are free from debris. After washing, allow all surfaces to drain and dry before parking in a confined space. If required you may polish your privates immediately.

MINOR CHIPS AND SCRATCHES

The skin of the penis and testicles is remarkably resilient. For chafing and small cuts that cause minimal bleeding, just wash with soap and water and apply an antiseptic ointment.

MAJOR DENTS

If you get hit in the testicles, scream, lie down, apply an ice-packed cloth and take some deep breaths. If there's swelling and the pain doesn't subside within a few minutes, continue the icing and get to a garage and seek mechanical assistance. A severe groin injury can cause sterility.

TROUBLESHOOTING

The diagnoses outlined are intended to serve only as guides to locate and temporarily correct minor faults or worries. Causes of unsatisfactory performance should be investigated and corrected by your doctor.

PROBLEM
SOLUTION

Penis seems small.
Few men are satisfied with the size of their penis. Keep in mind that the average vagina is just three to five inches long.

Left testicle is slightly larger and hangs lower than the right one.
Rarely are both testicles identical. In fact, the left one hangs lower in 80 percent of all cases.

Erections do not occur as quickly, nor are they as firm as they were.
This is common with older models. However, exercising regularly, following a low-fat diet, avoiding smoking and limiting alcohol are all antidotes, as is longer and more creative foreplay.

Ejaculation happens way to fast.
Try strengthening your PC muscle with Kegel exercises. The PC is the muscle you use to stop urine flow. Contract it now to familiarise yourself with the feeling. What you just did was a Kegel. Do 20, 50, 100 or more daily - at your desk or in the bath. Since it's the same muscle that contracts for ejaculation, strengthening it will give you more control during sex.

Ejaculation isn't as forceful or as plentiful as it once was.
Such misfiring often occurs with older engines. In fact, with vintage models, ejaculation may not occur at all, although an orgasm is experienced.

Pain in testicle.
Intermittent twinges are common, and anything that lasts less than a minute or so is no cause for worry. Testicular pain that builds gradually is usually caused by an infection or inflammation. Consult a certified mechanic or authorized dealership.


AVAILABLE OPTIONS/UPGRADES - Customise your privates to fit all your lifestyle needs

VASECTOMY

Enjoy worry-free motoring by having a trained technician cut the Vas Deferens, thereby preventing sperm from reaching the urethra. It's a safe quick (seven to ten minute), effective means of birth control, plus the sensation of ejaculation remains unchanged. Available in traditional snip or modern laser.

TESTOSTERONE

Preserve the raw beauty of your libido with testosterone! This potent male hormone, manufactured chiefly in the testicles, is responsible for your sexual desire and, to some degree, your erections. But production declines after age 50. Some me, who have no physical problems but experience flagging desire, may benefit from testosterone supplements, which can be taken orally through a skin patch or injection.

PENIS ENLARGEMENT

Gain valuable inches by expanding your trunk! Body-Shop mechanics penis appear larger by cutting the ligaments that attach it to the pubic bone. Once this is done, the penis hangs a bit lower and looks larger. In addition body fat can also be injected under the skin of the penile shaft to make it thicker.

WARNING!
Most mechanics do not approve of the enlargement procedure, which compromises the penile suspension system and may undermine resale value. Consumers have reported lack of stability and loss of control when operating at high speeds.

CIRCUMCISION

See "Checking under the bonnet" above.

FORESKIN RESTORATION

For those who have grown unhappy with their circumcised model, Foreskin restoration may be possible. In this Do-It-Yourself procedure, skin from the shaft of the penis is gradually stretched with tape and even weights until it allegedly resembles a normal foreskin.

WARNING!
Foreskin will not be restored to showroom condition.

PENILE IMPLANTS

If you have chronic difficulty getting an erection and other impotence treatments have failed, consider the new line of deluxe penile implants. These are cylinders that are surgically placed inside the penis to make it firm enough for intercourse. Two models are available. A non-hydraulic implant consists of a pair of flexible silicone rods that can be bent up or down by hand. It's the simplest design, but since the penis remains semi-rigid, some men find it difficult to wear Chinos. A hydraulic implant includes a pair of hollow rods, a reservoir of saline solution and a pump, all concealed within the body. For an erection you simply squeeze your scrotum to inflate the penis.

HAPPY OWNERSHIP!

 

[beths-virtue]

Vasectomy FAQ

Vasectomy is a safe and simple procedure. We understand that many men have understandable apprehension and we have collected a sampling of our Most Frequently Asked Questions along with our replies. We here at Cygne and Associates wish to make your vasectomy experience memorable.

Drs Alan Cygne and Adolf Schnitt

1. Should I "shave" before I come in?

Definitely. With a sharp razor, warm water and antibacterial soap, shave the entire chest, arms, abdomen, pubic escutcheon, inguinal area, any genital or scrotal hair and the legs down to the ankles. This will make pantyhose and leotards easier to slip into. Many men find they develop a desire for "soft silky undergarments" nest to their skin after a vasectomy. this is normal.

2. Will there be women present?

No. All females (such as the class and staff of the Clinic Nursing School) will be behind a one way mirror. The nurse assisting your physician is a large male nurse named Bruno. He is quite capable of handling vasectomy patients and keeping them occupied and distraced during the procedure.

3. What will you do with the tissue that will be removed? Will it be used in anything experimental as is common with fetal tissue?

All tissue becomes the property of Cygne and Associates and is consumed on the premises. Fava beans and a light Chianti are optional.

4. Is it possible to just clip one of my testegettis during this procedure and come back next week to complete the operation after I see how I feel?

The proper term for 'testegettis' is vas deferens. While it is possible to do one side and wait, the patient usually does not wish to undergo the tranquilizer-darting, leather restraints and pre-vasectomy examination by Bruno more than once. Often the patients do not return and must be hunted down, roped and vasectomized in the field (an unsanitary procedure at best) resulting in considerable loss of reputation with the patient's neighbors.

5.Will this in any way adversely effect my ability to use an English saddle (without pommel) with my horseback classes?

You may still use such a saddle with no difficulty. However, many post vasectomy patients find it more 'stimulating' to use a Western saddle with large pommel and Vaseline, K-Y or another lubricant. You may also wish to switch mounts for a stallion if you ride frequently.

6.Will the procedure affect the appearance or elasticity of my scrotum (Iunderstand it may cause "drop ball" syndrome)?

"ball drop" or Testicular Prolapse can occur. it is managed easily by simply watching where you step whe you are not wearing a support. If you DO experience pain or discomfort in the operated area, look under your feet. One patient of Dr. schnitt who possessed quite large testes is now gainfully employed each New year's Eve in New York. He has turned his "ball drop" into an asset to be proud of!

7. Following my procedure, is there any danger in wearing zippered trousers?

None at all. However, note that had you been less cautious with zippers all your life, you would not, now, need to pay so much for a vasectomy, a procedure that many zippers can perform swiftly and for free.

8. Following the procedure, does the possibility exist that my testicle(s) may float away and lodge in one of my lower extremities (like an ankle)?

What makes you think we plan to leave the testicles remaining in the scrotum? As we stated above, all tissue becomes the property of Cygne and Associates.

9.Will the procedure affect the tenor of my voice?

Not appreciably. It will, however, affect your pronunciation, causing you to pronounce sibilants as 'th' sounds. This and wrist drop are two of the side effects possible.

10. Will people "know" I have had the operation?

Not at all. therefor, we have taken the liberty of saving you the trouble and, upon receipt of your appointment confirmation for this procedure, we have notified your neighbors, employer and the police department of your new status.

11. Is the procedure video taped, and do I have to pay for a copy?

Payment is not necessary. You will, however, be paid royalties following theatrical release, according to SAG/AFTRA scale guidelines.

12. Is there a possibility that this will cure involuntary ejaculation?

Oh yes. It will also prevent erection, urine retention and pimples. We advise you to acquire a reliable product such as Kimberly Clark's Depends Undergarments.

13. Are there any special ointments or salves that I can use post procedure? My wife used Vitamin E after her pregnancy.

No, but we do reccomend copious self administration of Yukon Jack or Everclear along with castor oil the evening before your procedure.

14. If the procedure is successful, does my wife have to stay on the pill?

Since consummation of your marriage will no longer become possible, yes. We don't trust your wife, EITHER.

15. I understand following the operation I will have to return and present semen samples. Should I obtain a sample from home, or wait until your office to assure freshness?

Nurse Bruno will take care of that procedure. You will receive royalties for that tape as well.

16. How long is my therapy, what does it entail, and is that covered with my insurance?

This is a matter best taken up with your psychiatrist and parole officer.

17. Can you recommend a cup or splint device to stabilize and provide a safe environment for the effected regions?

Actually, after the procedure, we recommend that you curl up on your side on the floor, hands between your legs, gripping the inguinal area as you writhe. this affords protection to the genital area without interfering with Bruno's postprocedure inspection.

18. Following the procedure, how will I know when I ejaculate?

You will see minor amounts (1-4 cups) of blood in your Depends at each attempted emission.

19. During my recovery, should my kids and dog "Bouncy" go and stay with relatives?

Definitely not. This is why your children are in therapy and the ASPCA is investigating you NOW. Your parole officer should have filled you in on these details.

20. Following the operation, is there a possibility that I will lose facial hair and/or grow breasts?

No. It is a certainty.

My friends are in your hands, They, along with your family, are being investigated.

Alan Cygne MD and Adolf Schnitt M.D

Bruno Reems RN

 

[beths-virtue]

best thing about penis jokes

Why email is like a penis++++

1. Some people have it, some don't.

2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off.

3. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

4. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours.

7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do that?"


It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do the same damn dumb things it did before.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the absolute best thing about penis jokes is.....



for once, when we say , size doesnt matter, we're telling the truth!

 

[beths-virtue]

penis punctuation

Apostrophe '
Used to denote other men's cocks, which are dwarfed in stature by your own. Example: "That's Larry's cock. Notice how small it is?"
Brackets [ ]
Sets off editorial interpolations of material related to the length and girth of your mighty shaft. Example: "I am really proud of my cock" [with good reason, the editors might add, because it is one incredible item].

Colon :
Introduces a clause, phrase, or word attempting -- however inadequately -- to do justice to your cock. Example: "That's what my cock is: big as Texas."

Comma ,
Sets off a string of adjectives paying homage to your cock. Example: "My cock is robust, mammoth, the stuff of which legends are made, and very, very popular around here."

Ellipsis ...
Indicates the omission of one or more words describing the wonders of your magnificent cock. Example: My cock is huge, fantastic, monstrous, extraordinary ... gargantuan, incredible ... etcetera...

Exclamation Point !
Terminates an emphatic expression of esteem for your cock. Example: "What a fucking cock!!!"

Parentheses ( )
Used to enclose supplementary material elucidating the finer points about your cock. Example: "My cock is amazing (not to mention huge)."

Period .
Terminates an unqualified expression of contentment with your cock. Example: "I love my cock."

Quotation Marks "
Encloses admirers' comments about your outrageously ample cock. Example: Melanie said, "Can you believe the size of Bob's cock? I mean, he ought to register it with the police department or the Guinness Book of World's Records."

Semicolon ;
Links two or more independent clauses containing related material about the size of your cock. Example: "My cock is unbelievable; my cock is staggering; my cock is a living legend; my cock is great."

Virgule /
Sets off multiple choice answers as they might appear in a College Boards Admissions Test assessing high school seniors on the basis of how much they know about the Cock of the Century. Example: "Bob's cock is fantastic/unreal/a hot shaft of pure meat/the ultimate."

 

[Rybka]

Bumper Sticker

Actual bumper stickers found on actual cars:

So many stupid people...so few comets.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes-use birth control.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Born free...Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Rehabilitation is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the
tax man.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start thinking again?

Keep honking ... I'm reloading.

Caution: I drive like you do.

 

[karmadog]

beth, I need to point out that your penis owner's manual contains an error.

The brain is man's biggest sex organ

This is not so. The largest sex organ is the skin. Larger by weight, larger by volume. Common fallacy, though.

 

[Angeline]

My All-Time Favorite Bumper Sticker

If you ain't country, you ain't shit


Think about the implication. Someone I used to work with had this on her car. I laughed like a fool every time I saw it.