More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

Quiz for Karmdog and _Land

How manly are you?


1. In the company of feminists, intercourse
should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time
only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a
woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds
in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to
find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable
watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can
cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants
to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy,
you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

 

[Rybka]

U.N. Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN last month. The only question asked was: 'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.

And, in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

 

[Rybka]

A Canadian, A Texan, And A Yankee From New England

A Texan, a Canadian, and a Yankee from northern New England are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air.

The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.

The Yankee from northern New England can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"

The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."

So a while later the Yankee pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that!" The Yankee says, "Well, in northern New England, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime."

 

[Rybka]

20 Signs That Technology Has take over your Life!

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the entire first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You know what "snail mail" is, and far prefer to communicate be "e-mail".

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with ink jet or laser printers.

4. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

5. You have stopped saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

6. You sign greeting cards by putting next to your signature.

7. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than .

8. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

9. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

10. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

11. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

12. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

13. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

14. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

15. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare carpal tunnel syndrome with a nine-year-old.

16. You rotate your Avatars more frequently than your automobile tires.

17. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

18. You cannot sit through a movie or dinner without a device on your body starting to
beep.

19. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

20. You understand all the jokes in this message. - If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. (And don't use a laptop.)

 

[Rybka]

For _Land

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are made. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!
"Wait a minute!"says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss is, but what's thaat pop every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states. The guide replies, "No, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"



Two cannibals meet one day. One said, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender."
The other asked, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
"Oh, you know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend in the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Aha!" the first cannibal exclaimed, "No wonder! Those are fryers!"



A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.
Police suspect a cereal killer.



There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[Rybka]

Andrew Bledno humor

Q. How can you determine the age of the universe?
A. Cut it in half and count the rings.


Q. What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman?
A. The used car salesman knows when he's lying.

In the old west, a settler is watching an indian meeting. There is an old woman sitting on a hippopotamus hide, and two younger women sitting on other types of pelts. Everybody seems to be listening to the old woman, but paying only half as much attention to the younger ones. After a while the settler asks his indian guide why the older woman is treated with so much more respect. The guide answers "the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides."


Did you hear about the pole who was so stupid that the other Poles noticed?

What did the Polish mother say to her unwed, pregnant daughter?
"Look on the bright side, maybe it's not yours."

Why are most Polish jokes so short?
So Russians can understand them.

Did you hear about the Polish man who locked his keys in his car?
It took him a week to get his wife out!


How do you recognize a polish secretary?
She's the one with white-out on her computer screen.

In America they say "It's 10:30, do you know where your children are?"
In France they say "It's 10:30, do you know where your wife is?"
In Greece they say "It's 10:30, do you know where your husband is?"
In Italy they say "It's 10:30, do you know where your wallet is?"
In Poland they say "It's 10:30, do you know what time it is?"

Two polish cops find a dead elephant on Goethe street. One starts writing it up, but can't spell Goethe, he says "hey, how do yous spell da name of dis street?" "I dunno" says the other cop, "lets drag it over to Clark street and write it up there."




JEWISH JOKES



Why was the JAP snorting Nutra-Sweet?

She thought it was diet Coke.



What is a Jewish dilemma?

Free ham.



If your in a car chase against a Jewish state trooper, how do you lose him?

Take the toll road.



After much deliberation, the ship-builder decided to start using only kosher wood, that way he knew his ships wouldn't tip.

Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Because Jewish women won't take anything that's not 20% off.

Did you hear about the train robbery in Israel?

The thieves got $2,000 in cash, and $20 million in pledges.

What's the difference between a JAP and spaghetti?
Spaghetti wiggles when you eat it.

Q. What's the difference between the Yiddish and the British?
A. The British leave without saying goodbye, while the Yiddish say goodbye without leaving.

Q. How can you tell that Jesus was Jewish?
A. He lived at home until he was thirty, worked for his dad and his mother thought he was god.



NAUGHTY



Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?
A. You can bargain with a terrorist.

A new women's shelter has opened to help meet the full spectrum of family intervention needs. This one is for women who have been slightly battered. Its called Tempura House.

Q. What's the difference between a toilet and a waitress?
A. A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.



MISCELLANEOUS


In Russian, a worker goes to buy a new car. The salesman tells him that he can pick it up in ten years. The worker asks what time after ten years can he pick it up. The salesman, surprised, asks "In ten years, what does it matter?", to which the worker responds, "I have to know, the plumber is coming over that morning."

How about the California church that has two commandments, and eight suggestions.

An expensive lawyer, a cheap lawyer, and Santa Claus are walking together down the sidewalk. They see a twenty dollar bill. Who gets it?
The expensive lawyer, because the cheap lawyer and Santa Claus don't exist.

Q. What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the Potomac?
A. A good start.

An optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds. A pesimist is worried the optimist is right!

The secret of dealing with a child, is not to be his parent.

If it tastes good, its trying to kill you.

Its better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same anyway.

Its better not to exaggerate, especially when you fly is open.


WISE SAYINGS

Never explain - Your friends do not need it, and your enemies will not believe it anyway.

It's not so much how you pick your nose,
it's where you put the boogers.

Reality is that which does not cease to exist when you stop believing in it.


A wise man knows everything, a shrewd man knows everyone.


LIGHT BULBS

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Potato.

How many pollacks does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, one to hold the bulb and three to turn the ladder.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the bulb must want to be changed.

How many producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, producers screw in hot tubs.

How many software engineers are required to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.

How many computer salespeople does it take to change a light bulb?
They'll have to get back to you on that.

How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to do it the first time, then another to do it right.

How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Six with breaks, you got a problem with that?!?

How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb, and hundreds of others to take credit.

Q. How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE!

Q. How man feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 100, 1/3 to change the bulb, 1/3 to discuss how the bulb is victimizing the socket, and 1/3 to secretly fantasize about being the socket.

Q. How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but the soonest he can do it is in two months.



DIRTY



I met this Italian guy while vacationing a while back, we got to talking, then to drinking, and he starts to tell me his story. "My name is Paolo, I am the finest of carpenters, but do they call me Paolo the carpenter? NO! I have built fine benches which grace the best parks in Italy, but do they call me Paolo the bench builder? NO! I have built houses that will last generations, but do they call me Paolo the house builder? NO! But I fuck one pig and ...

Q. What's the difference between excess and surplus?
A. Excess is the tit you can't fit in your mouth, and surplus is the other tit.

In Beverely Hills a hippy runs up to a woman in a fur coat and screams "do you have any idea how many animals had to die for that fur coat?", to which the woman cooly answers "do you have any idea how many animals I had to fuck for this fur coat?"

Why did god create man?
Because you can't teach a vibrator to mow the lawn.

On the day of her marriage, a girl's father wants to be sure the husband to be is aware of his daughters long-standing heart problem. So he takes him aside and says "Are you aware that my daughter has acute angina?" The fiance grins, and responds "I'm glad to hear that, because she sure don't have no tits."

What can a lifesaver do that a man can't?
Come in five flavors.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye got very upset.

Q. Why are men like trains?
A. They always stop before you get off.

Q. Why are men like ceramic tile?
A. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the next ten years.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm, but only one egg to make a baby.
A. Because the sperm won't ask for directions.

 

[Rybka]

Beer Diet

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1
degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this
means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally
consisting of water in large part), the natural processes
which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during
the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the
only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C
(32.2 degrees F) will, in a short time, be raised to the
normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F). For
each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately
37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6
oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic
law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 g) are
extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is
normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net
calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the
more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the
faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer
in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent
calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz.
portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net
calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't
take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12
oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the
process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial,
since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0
deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to
body temperature.

The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running
hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink
beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body
temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as
the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious
solution is to drink a lot of cold beer with pizza and follow
up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a
pizza, cold beer, and ice cream diet.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Beth, you owe me postage!

AUTOMATIC SYSTEMS CHECK

Each night, your privates automatically run a self-diagnostic systems check. Most times you will be unaware this is happening. Periodic erections will occur whilst you're asleep, as will an occasional emission. Do not be alarmed. Your privates are simply flushing themselves with fresh blood and oxygen to stay in optimum working condition. If you have a reasonable doubt this is happening, do the following test: Wrap some postage stamps from a roll firmly around the base of your penis and tape the ends together. The next morning, if the stamps are torn along the perforation, you've had an erection.

There were but shreds in the morning.

 

[Angeline]

In the Name of Science

Senna Jawa said

There were but shreds in the morning.


It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "going postal."

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: In the Name of Science

Senna Jawa said

There were but shreds in the morning.


It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "going postal."

       

I am impressed by Beth-virtue manual. I have (on the other coast) a monograph "Perils of penis", which also is excellent and well written. It says nothing about parallel parking, a mechanic or dealership though. Itherwise the two agree nicely.

Regards,

 

[Angeline]

See Attachment

This would be funny if it were a joke.

 

[Rybka]

Date Rape Drug Used on Males

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Bars" in the yellow pages.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Date Rape Drug Used on Males

[...]Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Bars" in the yellow pages.

And don't forget "Nite Clubs" in the "Nite Life" section.

 

[beths-virtue]

Re: Beth, you owe me postage!

There were but shreds in the morning.

the question this raises in my mind is ... well, senna , how much do i owe you for postage....

assuming you used first class stamps, @37 cents a piece, and approximately 1 inch by 1 inch , how much do i owe you ......???

or are you a thrifty sort, and used postcard stamps?

or, perhaps , a highminded fellow such as your self would use the 2.00 air mail stamps .......

or perhaps......

well, need i go on???

Beth

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Re: Beth, you owe me postage!

the question this raises in my mind is ... well, senna , how much do i owe you for postage....

assuming you used first class stamps, @37 cents a piece, and approximately 1 inch by 1 inch , how much do i owe you ......???

or are you a thrifty sort, and used postcard stamps?

or, perhaps , a highminded fellow such as your self would use the 2.00 air mail stamps .......

or perhaps......

well, need i go on???

Beth

Wow!-- an accountant on a poetry list!

Here is an old Jewish joke:

young man, proud of himself and excited, and out of breath, tells his father: I saved on a ticket, I followed my streetcar on my feet instead of getting in. But his father tells him: you, fool, if you ran after a taxi you would save ten times more.

Best regards,

 

[beths-virtue]

well, senna,
just my perverted mind doing a little warm fuzzy logic

you know, using all my toes to add it all up , and what not

 

[Rybka]

The Best Cops

The President decided to have a competition to find the best law enforcement agency in the country. The three finalists were the CIA, the FBI, and the LAPD. So the president started with the CIA.

A white rabbit was set loose into the forest and the CIA had to go in and find it. So they sent in several informants, questioned the other animals and plant life, and after a couple of months they where unable to locate the rabbit, they decided the rabbit never really existed.

So, now the FBI took a shot at it. The president turned loose another white rabbit and the FBI went into the forest with everything they had, and after a day of looking, they burnt down the forest, killing all the animals and destroying all the trees and plant life. They refused to apologize, saying they where only doing their job.

Now the LAPD was up to bat, and again the president turned loose a white rabbit into the forest and the men of the LAPD went in with only their batons and side arms. About a half hour later, they emerged dragging a badly beaten black bear. The bear was heard screaming, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

 

[beths-virtue]

love advice for sports-persons

Dont jump at the first nibble on your hook, you need to wait for the right kind of fish , you dont want a sucker if your fishing for rainbow


Dont judge by the rack , sometimes the best ones may not have a trophy rack , a 4 pointer can be every bit as tasty as a 12 pointer , just cook it up right

 

[Rybka]

Re: love advice for sports-persons

Don't jump at the first nibble on your hook, you need to wait for the right kind of fish, you don't want a sucker if you're fishing for rainbow

Small fish are much tastier than large ones. That is why I need to be so quick, as well as most beautiful!

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Rybka]

MICROSOFT PRESS RELEASE:

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named
--BOOK--

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.
It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an
armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much
information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable),each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder
which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of
the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts
are divided on the prospects for further increases in information
density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into
your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it
can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if
dropped too many times on a hard surface. The "browse" feature allows
you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you
wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact
location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been
closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single
BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely,
numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to
store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number
of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text
entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor
of a new entertainment wave. BOOK's appeal seems so certain that
thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and
investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new
titles soon.

 

[Rybka]

The bronze rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"

 

[Rybka]

For Angeline, Cordelia, et al.

A thief broke into the aviary at the zoo and stole a valuable talking bird. The thief escaped by sneaking through a pit full of large sleeping felines and climbing a fence. Police apprehended the suspect, still with the bird, at the nearby "Marine World" near the trained dolphin tank.

What was the perpetrator charged with?

 

[karmadog]

In honor of the Michigan v Ohio State game Saturday:

Q: How many Ohio State freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

After a long wait, two Ohio State graduates finally get jobs at a sawmill. It was their first day on the job. Suddenly one screams "OOUUUCCHHHH!!! I lost my finger!" The other glances over, "Oh yeah, how did you do that?" "Well, I was just trying to touch this big spinning wheel like thi..Damn! There goes another one!!"

I heard that Ohio State's Head Football Coach was only dressing twenty players for the upcoming battle against Michigan. He said the rest can dress themselves.

Q: How many Ohio State students does it take to change a tire?
A: Only one, but he gets four hours credit and it counts as a lab science.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Ohio State fan with a pig?
A: Trick question, there are some things a pig just wont do.

Q: Why do Ohio State graduates hang their diplomas from their rear view mirror?
A: To justify their handicap parking.

Q: Why doesn't Ohio State have ice on their sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.

Q: What do an Ohio State student and a Michigan student have in common?
A: They both got accepted at Ohio State.

An Ohio State grad sees an ad for a $99 cruise. So he goes down to the travel agent and hands over the cash. The travel agent hits him over the head with a bat, stuffs him in a sack, throws him out the back window onto a raft and cuts the raft loose. The Ohio State grad wakes up to find himself adrift, along with another Ohio State grad. The first grad says, "I hope they serve dinner on this cruise." The second replies, "They didn't last year."

Q: What does the average Ohio State football player get on his S.A.T.'s?
A: Drool.

Q: How do you get an Ohio State grad off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizzas.

A Michigan student and an Ohio State student are walking down the road when the Michigan student says, "How sad...A dead bird." The Ohio State student looks up and says, "Where, where?"

 

[Angeline]

Ohio State

Q: How do you get an Ohio State grad off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizzas.

Now that one is just cruel. (snicker) You are meaner than a junkyard dog.

Have you worked yourself into a sufficient frenzy yet?

 

[karmadog]

Grrrrr.