More "Medicine"

[bluerains]

who's driving who!!!

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded
into the limo,
(and he
doesn't travel light), the driver notices that
the Pope is still
standing on
the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver,
"Would you please
take your
seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,
"they never let me
drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive
today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd
lose my job! And
what if
something should happen?" protests the driver,
wishing he'd
never gone to
work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you,"
says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the
Pope climbs in
behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision
when, after
exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating
the limo to 105
mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the
worried driver,
but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear
sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,"
moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window
as the cop
approaches but the
cop takes one look at him, goes back to his
motorcycle and gets
on the radio
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the
dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells
him that he's
stopped a limo
going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really
important," said
the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the
Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"

 

[Scott N. Leavitt]

What I Have Learned As I Matured

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

 

[Rybka]

One Liners

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." ... Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." ... Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ... Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." ... Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ... Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." ... George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationships." ... Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." ... Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." ... Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." ... Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." ... Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ... Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." ... Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" ... Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." ... Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." ... Rod Steward

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ... Robin Williams

 

[My Erotic Tale]

thanks Rybka for the ... mention on my prose.

I figured it had enough medicine, I meant humor to place it here among your humorous collection. Thanks Art~The Portal to the Vixen Planet

Not much faster than a herd of turtles,
a spotlight climbed in to the night sky.
I argued it was not a portal to the vixen planet
but they wouldn't speak of it,
they just got the ladder and tried to climb up to the moon.

The trampoline was the second trial
after the 26 feet didn't make it.
They called for the local VFD for a fire truck ladder
but they would not come,
they said they had a pussy tree'd.
I have to admit the moon seemed a bit brighter
hanging over the tops of trees, inviting.

Well, Bud Waswiser got the bright idea
to take a canon from the Civil War Historical Park
and shoot old Jim Bob to this portal
holding a rope to throw down to the rest of us.
I promise I didn't even volunteer for that honor,
I think Jim Bob was drafted, anyway.

The canon was fetched with Jill's 4 wheel drive
and Jim Bob sank into the hole of this firing device
and Bud hollered, "Wait," well everybody stopped.
"Raise the canon, the dang portal is moving."
Well, that meant raising the canon nearly straight into the air.
They lit the fuse and it sizzled with sparks that spew sounds like a pit of vipers being chased by a lit bic lighter.

The puff of smoke bellowed way before the boom,
if Jim Bob was shot out, it was faster than a fully clothed eye.
But he wasn't in that canon we checked.
He must have went straight through the hole in the sky,
the portal to the vixen planet, lucky dog!

The Portal to the Vixen Planet, Pt II

They forgot to tie the rope to Jim Bob
so there was a lot of dust kicking and thumb twiddlin'.
Well, Jill saw it first and made a big deal out of it.
I always figured her to be a tad brighter than a light bulb
but this just confirmed it.

"Look over yonder," Jill hollard out of her over-alls
pointing her finger and waving it towards the meadow pond.
Wally started running, like one of those desert oasis to a thirsty man.
But there in the middle of that pond was another Portal.
Yep, two of them, one in the sky and one in the pond.

We probably looked like the Oklahoma land rush racing for soil.
When we got to the edge of the pond Wally tossed a stone at the Portal
and the rock went straight into it and disappeared.
"Don't do that, you might hit one of those Vixens on the head."
Well that was good thinking on Jills part.

After much debate Wally volunteered to wade out to it.
Wally made it to the Moon's reflection, held his nose and ducked under water.
Now I know that was the moon sitting on the top of that water
but they had me convinced there was a worm hole to earth
and for a lack of anything better to do on saturday night w
e searched for the Portal to the Vixen Planet.

Well, Wally never surfaced and Bud paniced
dialing 911 twice cause it was a double emergency.
I couldn't believe it and my eye lids stayed open.
Low and behold they had the Sheriff's Dept., VFD, WALLY'S Dad
and the ambulance all come to see this Portal to the Vixen Planet.

Explaining the canon was easy but producing Wally was a task.
We explained that we were on a quest
to find this hole left by a space worm that is a portal to another planet.
They laughed so hard it was contagious,
and that's when it happened.

It was getting late and the portal had rested just on top of the barn.
Big bright oval resting on the leaning tin roof.
Bud Waswiser yelled, "Look!" Well, what were we to do, not look?
There on the top of the barn stood Wally and he was holding Jim Bob.
The Moon was bright behind them as Wally waved and whistled.
Ever since that night we have been trying to get back into
the Portal to the Vixen Planet.

 

[Jennifer C]

Sotally Tober

Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.

 

[My Erotic Tale]

The Zen Master gave the student a stone.

The student took it with pride. After a couple days of carrying the stone he asked the Master, "Why did you give me a stone?"

The Master replied, "You do not know?"

The student, "No."

"Give me the stone back," the Master said and so the student handed the stone to the Master.

"But I want the stone?" The student barked when the Master put the stone back in his pocket.

"Oh, you do want the gift? With out spoiling the gifts luster with questions that have no real bearing." The Master asked.

"Yes," the student replied and the Master handed the stone back.

"Do you know why I give you a stone?" The Master asked.

"To teach me a lesson?" the student said.

"To see if you took things for 'Granite'"

 

[Jennifer C]

My Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."...

 

[Rybka]

John Cleese's Letter to the USA

John Cleese's Letter to the USA

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

* John Cleese
[Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England]

(note: according to Snopes John Cleese did not write this.)

 

[Rybka]

Wal-Mart Wine

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the wine at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken, director of marketing. "Of course, choosing the right name is important," she added.

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names, in order of popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

 

[Rybka]

Difficult things to say when drunk

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

 

[Rybka]

Aussie Humor

Reg, was tending bar at the club in Karratha, W.A. one evening, when a beautiful shelia came up to him at the bar.

"G'day mate. Are you the manager?" she asked him.

"No," Reg replied, "I'm just tending bar, tonight."

"Well," she said, "Is the manager here?"

"No," Reg told her, "I'm the only one here at the moment."

"Oh?" she said as she moved even closer to Reg. Smiling, she began to stroke his beard and she whispered in a sultry voice, "Then perhaps you can help me."

"Sure," our Hairy friend, whispered back, as the shelia continued to curl his whiskers around her fingers and run them down through his beard. "Anything you want, darlin!"

"Thank you," she said throatily, "I have a little problem and I can see that you are going to be a big help!"

"Glad to help ya, lil' lady. What's yer problem?" our mateo asked as he puffed out his chest and smiled down at her.

She continued to run her hands through his beard as she drew Reg very close and tickled a soft coo into his ear. "There's no toilet paper in the ladies' loo, mate!"

 

[Rybka]

sarcasm and online dating

Personal Ads Decoder

WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish: 49
Adventurer: Slept with all your friends
Athletic: No tits
Average looking: Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Contagious Smile: Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated: Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure: Medicated
Feminist: Fat ballbuster
Free spirit: Junkie
Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun: Annoying
Gentle: Comatose
Good Listener: Borderline autistic
New-Age: All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded: Desperate
Outgoing: Loud and embarrassing
Passionate: Sloppy drunk
Poet: Depressive schizophrenic
Professional: .Certified bitch
Redhead: Bad dye-job
Reubenesque: Grossly fat
Romantic: Looks better by candle light
Social: Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous: Very fat
Weight proportionate w/ height: Hugely fat
Wants Soulmate: Stalker
Widow: Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart: Old bat

MEN'S ADS

40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic: Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated: Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit: Banging your sister
Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking: Arrogant
Very good looking: Dumb as a board
Honest: Pathological liar
Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle: Insecure mama's boy
Mature: Older than your father
Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit: Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet: Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive: Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive: Gay
Spiritual: Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable: Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful: Says "Excuse me" when he farts

 

[Jennifer C]

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

[Jennifer C]

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[Jennifer C]

Woman In The Shadows

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

 

[Jennifer C]

Redneck Joke

From A Mother With Love


Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

 

[Rybka]

One Liners

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? How about Quasimodo?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

[Rybka]

The Honeymoon

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad
is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a
virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week."

So he took 4 tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and
wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and goes on their
honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal
a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said,
"You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."

Next she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says,
"You're the first; no one has ever touched me here."

Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and
replies...

"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!!"

 

[Jennifer C]

James Bond's Special Watch

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

 

[Rybka]

Who's on First?

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch,
Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can
I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
much wiped out all the other words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START". . .

 

[Jennifer C]

A Man went to the doctors and said

"Doctor, Doctor, i've got a strawberry stuck up my bum!"

The doctor replied

"You should put some cream on that!"

 

[Rybka]

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Poet

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww! There's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of Clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation makes it shrink.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. When were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

 

[Rybka]

A Lesson for Those Who Argue on Lit.

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when he happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. It had been hours since his last meal and he was feeling hunger pains, so he flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to "pig out".

He ate and ate... and then... he ate some more!!! Finally, he decided he'd had plenty, He washed his face with his tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas... he had eaten far too much and could not get off the ground.

Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation, he looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall... He'd found a solution!!

He realized if he could just climb up that handle and jump off to get airborne he'd be able to fly again.

So he painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, he took a deep breath, spread his tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

He dropped like a rock and splattered all over the ground.

Dead Fly.​

What is the moral of this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you are full of CRAP!"​

 

[Rybka]

For YDD (In memoriam)

A test for you

During a visit to the Famous Writer’s School, a visitor asked the Director what was the criteria for admittance and how they could tell if a prospective student was destined to be a prose writer or a poet, or even (shudder) a critic.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the student, and ask the student to empty the bathtub."

Okay, here's your test:

(Those without any creative tendency (editors for example) will scroll to the bottom to get the answer before taking this test.)

1. Would you use the spoon?

or

2. Would you use the teacup?

or

3. Would you use the bucket?



SCROLL DOWN TO SEE THE NORMAL ANSWER FOR POET, WRITER, AND CRITIC:












"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A prose writer would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon and would make the task easier, even if sloppier."

“Correct.” said the director.

“Then the poet would use the teacup. . . but then why would the critic choose the spoon. . . because they are so persnickety and want everything so exact?”

”You are right about the poet and the teacup. A traditional poet will choose it because it offers more control over what they are doing. But you are wrong about the spoon. Japanese poets and some minimalists choose it, but certainly not the critics.”


”Then what do the critics do?” ask the visitor




KEEP SCROLLING DOWN








"Oh," answered the Director. "A critic would simply pull the plug."


(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test.)


Please don't share your answer. . . but, now you know.

 

[flyguy69]

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when he happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. It had been hours since his last meal and he was feeling hunger pains, so he flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to "pig out".

He ate and ate... and then... he ate some more!!! Finally, he decided he'd had plenty, He washed his face with his tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas... he had eaten far too much and could not get off the ground.

Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation, he looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall... He'd found a solution!!

He realized if he could just climb up that handle and jump off to get airborne he'd be able to fly again.

So he painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, he took a deep breath, spread his tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

He dropped like a rock and splattered all over the ground.

Dead Fly.​

What is the moral of this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you are full of CRAP!"​

But it was the good shit, Rybby!