More "Medicine"

[My Erotic Tale]

that was funny ....



swagger-nauts swagger in swagger way lane
some thought this was the place
for the criminal insane

nurses with needles that piss pot pee'dled and
held there noses while shuffling
around the bed pans

yells yelled outward from cells of dim light
electricity flickering throughout
the long stormy night

whimsickle winds blew blowing blown right
stiffened the poles
that perched the lamps light

darker than darkness fell upon the site
when all the inmates were listed
has escaped last night
__________________

 

[Rybka]

I just don't look good naked anymore!

I stepped out of the shower
And got a good look at myself
Pot belly bald head
Man I thought it was somebody else

I caught my reflection in the mirror
On the back of the bathroom door
And I just don't look good naked anymore
So I'm going upstairs to turn

The bathroom mirror to the wall
I hung it there when I was trim and tall
I'd stand there smile and strut and flex
Until my arms got sore

But I just don't look good naked anymore
Well I use to go out with the girls
I loved them one and all
Now they don't get very close to me

They're afraid that I might fall
Well, I went to the doctors
For my annual medical exam
Stood there in the buff

Suddenly he said, "Man!"
I said, "What is it Doc? Some fatal disease?
I just gotta know the score
He said, "No, you just don't look good naked anymore

Well me and my wife had a dance routine
everyybody said it was unique
Now it's only when we're back to back
That we're dancing cheek to cheek

Well I went to a nude beach for a little seaside fun
Stretched out in my birthday suit soaking up the sun
Somebody yelled, "Hey!
There's an old white whale washed up on the shore!"

I just don't look good naked anymore
Now my arches fell, my chest went to hell
And my butt's a draggin the floor
And I just don't look good naked anymore

 

[Rybka]

The Sultan's Son

Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. You are the Son of a Sultan -- what would you like?"

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. You bring joy to my days. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are everything a father could wish for, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want for your birthday, I shall gladly get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."

His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my heart and my life. You bring me life each day. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will be most happy to get it for you."

His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."

His father bought him FEMA.

 

[Jennifer C]

A man was fired from his practice for sleeping with his patients...

It was a shame really because he was a fucking good Vet!

 

[Rybka]

"Senility Prayer". . .

God grant me. . .

The senility to forget the people I never liked.
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference."

 

[Rybka]

Art and the Fish

A hip young Texas poet with a three book deal goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new Ferrari GTO. It is the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old fish-poet on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old poet looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"

The young handsome poet replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old Rybka.

"Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states Art, the young published poet, proudly.

The moped driving fish asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies MET. So the old fish-poet pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old fish says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right. . . but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the Art decides to show the old fish just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph!

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly. . .

whoooooosssshhhhh!

Something whips by him, going much faster!

What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the MET asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old Rybka on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.

Whoooooosssshhhhh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the fish-poet gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

My Erotic Tale stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the fish-poet is still alive.

He runs up to Rybka and says, "Oh my God! Are you OK? Is there anything I can do for you?"





The fish/poet whispers. . . "Unhook. . . my. . . suspenders. . . from. . . your. . . side view mirror."

 

[Rybka]

Can't Work In The Dark

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers, a Lit. poetess, came in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My coworker started following me and the Boss asked her where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark!" she said

 

[Jennifer C]

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

 

[Rybka]

So Your Dog Just Died. . .

. . . Don't despair! Now you can get a:

Doggy Bag​

(and free cheese too!)

 

[Rybka]

The Literotica Poetess

She was such a Lit. poetess. . .

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
* She still thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

 

[Rybka]

Philosophy of the Cow

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing You to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to
support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

 

[Zanzibar]

The smart lit Poetess

A lit poetess walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it.

Two weeks later, the lit poetess returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The lit poetess replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

 

[flyguy69]

Hey, I remember you! Good to see you again, Zan!

A lit poetess walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it.

Two weeks later, the lit poetess returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The lit poetess replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

 

[Rybka]

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking.
So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security
sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've
got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband
climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is"
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me
up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right
out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an
orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're
never home!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his
"manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000
for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged
him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision..
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the
kitchen".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband -
Stiff At Last.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NO SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make
you happy tonight."
He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OLD SEX

One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr.
old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
20th floor assisted living
apartment ...killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that
at 92, if he could have sex..... he could
fly."

 

[Rybka]

The Scotch Expert

A Bostonian poet traveling through Texas, walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a shot of 25 year old scotch.

The barkeep looking to have a little fun with the Yankee, and make a few extra dollars, pours the poet a shot of bar brand scotch.

The Bostonian taking his first sip, realizes this is not what he ordered, calls over the bartender. "Excuse me innkeeper, do you remember what I ordered."

"Why certainly sir." says the bartender, "You wanted a shot of 25 year old scotch."

"That is correct." replies the customer. "The scotch you served, can't be more than 2 years old."

The bartender apologies, and goes off to correct his mistake. A little upset for being caught, the bartender again tries to fool the poet, by pouring him a shot of 12 year old scotch.

After his first taste of the scotch, he immediately again knew, this was not the beverage of his choice.

So once again, he calls over the bartender, to verify his drink order. "Beverage host, can you again tell me what I ordered."

"Yes sir, you ordered a shot of my 25 year old scotch."

"Again that is correct! But unfortunately, the scotch you served is not more than 12 years old."

At this point he bartender is impressed, and realizes the guy is a true connoisseur of scotch whiskey, and goes off to get his 25 year old scotch.

With savoring only a few drops, the poet knew he had finally gotten what he ordered, and commented to the bartender, "Now this, is 25 year old scotch."

Art, a local poet and bar patron who witnessed everything, turns to the Yankee poet and says, "Hey buddy, try this drink."

The proper Bostonian not wanting any trouble, takes the glass from the Texan, and gives a taste. Immediately, the guy spits it out, and screams, "My God man, this is piss!"

"Thats right!" says Art, "But How Old am I?"

 

[Rybka]

Magic Mirror

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York City where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - - poof - - you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." - - - poof - - -. The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." - - - poof - - -. The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond Lit. poet comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think. . . " - - - poof - - -

 

[Rybka]

Memories

E.E. and Angeline had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They found it beneficial to write things down so as not to forget them.

One evening they were sitting in the parlor and Angie said, "E.E., be a dear and go to the kitchen and fix me a dish of ice cream and put some chocolate syrup and peanuts on it. And, darling, write it down so you don't forget the peanuts."

"That's a good idea, Dear." E.E. said, and wrote it on the notepad and headed for the kitchen.

E.E. was in the kitchen for a while, and returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. Angeline looked at it and said, "Oh dear, you forgot the breakfast toast."

 

[Rybka]

For Art

Texas Chili Contest

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off
about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -HOLY FUCK!!! What the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from all the beer.



CHILI # 4- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-Lb woman is
starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5- LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.



CHILI # 6- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8- MET'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

 

[Rybka]

French Toast

Three kids in Maine come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. Angeline asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat.

"I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast." he says.

Angeline is outraged at his language, slaps him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants.

"Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me." he says.

She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest boy what he wants for breakfast.

"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

 

[Rybka]

Timing is everything!

At a poetry reading, a well-known Literotica member and raconteur is invited to tell some jokes. Since his audience has heard all the jokes before at previous gatherings and read them on the Lit. Poetry Forum's "More Medicine" thread, he just calls out a number and everyone laughs uproariously.

After a few numbers are called out, Rybka, attending his first Lit. poetry reading, asks a person sitting next to him, "What's going on?"

Angeline explains to him, that the jokes are so old and have been around so long here that they have them all memorized and just shout out the numbers to save time."

At hearing that, Rybka thinks for a bit, then stands up and shouts out, "Number 29!" But the only reaction he gets is total silence. He asks the woman on the other side, "What went wrong?"

Jennifer C just shakes her head and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."

 

[Rybka]

Where's Grandpa?

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs".

 

[Rybka]

Hurricane Special

A Texas guy meets a hooker in a bar shortly after Rita hit.

She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a hurricane special for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Fix. . . my. . . roof."

 

[Rybka]

The Deserted Fisherman

Old Sal was a California salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.

When the Coastguard eventually found him, the boat captain noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around.

He went over to old Sal and said, "You know, it's illegal to kill a California Condor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you."

The old fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down.

"Out of curiosity" the coastguard skipper asked, "What did it taste like?"

Sal replied, "Well, it was kind of a mix between snowy owl and bald eagle."

 

[Rybka]

circle flies

An old country poet got pulled over for speeding. As the cop stood there writing the ticket, he was continually swatting at flies that were buzzing around his head.

"Havin' trouble with them circle flies?" asked the old poet.

"Circle flies?" "I've never heard them called that before." said the cop.

"That's what we call 'em back home on the farm, 'cuz they're always circlin' around the back of a horse" said the poet

The cop says angrily, "Mister, are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir, not at all!" said the poet. "I've got too much respect for the law and you people that do such a great service to the community. I'd never call you that."

The cop seemed satisfied, and went back to writing the ticket. ". . . But, you know, it's pretty hard to fool them flies."

 

[Rybka]

You know You live on the gulf coast if...

You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.

You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen drawer.

Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.

You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.

When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three
bedrooms, two baths, and one safe hallway.

Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.

You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.

The road leading to your house has been declared a 'No-Wake' Zone.

You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
You own more than three large coolers.

You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.

You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a gallon of gas to get there and back".

You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer.

Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.

You catch a 13-pound redfish ---- in your driveway.

You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.

At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.

You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.

There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.

You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel and every single newscaster and reporter at all of the major stations in town.

Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

Ice is a valid topic of conversation.

Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.

Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.

You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder, or a tree worker.

You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.

Your child's first words are "hunker down" and you didn't go to Ole Miss!

Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.

You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side."

Your kids start school in August and finish in July.

You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.

You get phone calls from family members saying they've found bread at a store 6 miles away... and you hurry to get there.

You wait in line for 45 minutes for a loaf of bread and don't mind because at least you have bread.

A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.