More "Medicine"

[Jennifer C]

What A Woman/Man Really Means
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What a woman says, what she really means...

I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

What a man says, what he really means...

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

 

[Rybka]

Tavern Tact

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural tavern. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.


"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.


"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

[Jennifer C]

O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

 

[BooMerengue]

A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're on the trucks ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, we're going to screw all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1," and his wife took off all her clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell3," and they began to screw.
After 2 minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4."

"What's this Bell 4?" asked her husband.
"More hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!"



.

 

[CharleyH]

A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're on the trucks ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, we're going to screw all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1," and his wife took off all her clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell3," and they began to screw.
After 2 minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4."

"What's this Bell 4?" asked her husband.
"More hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!"



.

LOL - funny, Boo. Thanks.

Now, these blue italics ... I came upon these earlier tonight with another person - its like reading an acid trip - freaky - STOP WITH IT I SAY!

LOL

 

[BooMerengue]

Is this better, darling???



I know-sometimes I hate it too, but I'm kinda schizo, and sometimes I just think things need dressing up! lol Go back where you quoted me and change the size from a 3 to a 2. Ok? All better?

 

[Jennifer C]

A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're on the trucks ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, we're going to screw all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1," and his wife took off all her clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell3," and they began to screw.
After 2 minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4."

"What's this Bell 4?" asked her husband.
"More hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!"



.

LOL, love that joke!

 

[Jennifer C]

The Fridge

Bertha was worried about her husband George, so one day she took him to the doctor's. As the doctor called George in and looked him over, George began insisting, "There's nothing wrong with me. I know because God takes care of me." What do you mean?" asked the doctor. "Well," George responded, "when I go to the bathroom he turns the light on and off."

The doctor decided he had better talk to both George and his wife, so he calls Bertha into the room and begins to explain, "George says God turns the light on and off for him when he goes to the bathroom. Is it true that --" "DAMMIT, George!" Bertha bursts out, "How many times do I have to tell you not to piss in the fridge?"

 

[Jennifer C]

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remmber where I live."

 

[RhymeFairy]

Inner Peace~

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and
we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I
heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."

So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off
a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's,
a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both
Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some
saltines and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

 

[Jennifer C]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and
we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I
heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."

So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off
a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's,
a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both
Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some
saltines and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

LMAO! Great one RF

 

[Jennifer C]

Seminars For Males


(Prepared and Presented by Females)

1. Combatting stupidity

2. You too can do housework

3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut

4. How to fill an ice tray

5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money

6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am

7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")

8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception

9. Get a life; learn to cook

10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong

11. Spelling: Even you can get it right

12. Understanding your financial incompetence

13. You: The weaker sex

14. Reasons to give flowers

15. How to stay awake in public

16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom

17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb

18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try

19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower

20. I'll wear it if I damn well please

21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled "No, it's not a bidet")

22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms

23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull

24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost

25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency

26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex

27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes

28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too

29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home

30. You too can be a designated driver

31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, "You don't look like Mel Gibson when naked")

32. Changing your underwear: It really works

33. The attainable goal: removing "tits" from your vocabulary

34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary

35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work

 

[Jennifer C]

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."

 

[Jennifer C]

Orgasm Condition

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes and then starts screaming with extasy and pleasure.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again, and again screams as if he had just had the best sexual intercourse of his life. The woman is about to go nuts.

A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again, and again is fully aroused.

The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've acted as if youv'e had great sex! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

 

[Jennifer C]

Sex Education


Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "

I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.

"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!

 

[Rybka]

The Drivers' License

A mother is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license. It is like a report card; it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 152 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"


You are going to love this one ...



"Because you got an F in sex!!!"

 

[Jennifer C]

Dad Eats Lightbulbs

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats lightbulbs.

"How do you know that?" asks his teacher.

"I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said 'I'll only eat that thing if you turn out the light.'"

 

[Jennifer C]

Damned if I know

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

 

[Rybka]

To all my friends

To all my friends,


Thanks to those of you who sent me chain letters in 2003, this is what happened to me:
I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay.
I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can

sell their Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
I think I'm turning gay because when I go to parties, I don't look at any girl/guy no matter how hot she/he is, for fear that she/he will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I also donated all my savings to the "Amy Bruce" account. Remember? She was a sick girl who was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times? Amazing girl! She's been 7 since 1993!

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.
My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.
But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke

or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.



IMPORTANT NOTE:

Unless you send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds,

a giant bird will shit on your head tomorrow at 7 pm!

 

[Jennifer C]

A stoner stumbles out of a party...

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.

On the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.

The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!"

The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

 

[Jennifer C]

Mermaid Sex

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He happened to look down the bar and see a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball. So he walked down and said to the man, “Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?” The man said “No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German's in WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship so I swam to shore. One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S. The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid. She said, ‘I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex.’”
So I said, “How about a little head?”

 

[Rybka]

A New Poet's Pastime?

Here you go, guys and gals, a perfect summer game for all you Zen poets! Maybe it could be a contest at a future poetry reading.

BE SURE TO PRACTICE:

I thought it's a fish, but it'S NOT!​

.

 

[Rybka]

Cheap Gas!

A gas station in Maine was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up". Soon a local poet pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The poet then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same poet, along with a fellow poet, Eagleyez, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The poet guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the poet said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Eagleyez replied, "No it isn't! It's not rigged. Angeline won twice last week."

 

[Rybka]

The Sperm Jar

90 year old Henry went to the Dr. for a check up and was pronounced very healthy for his age, but on the way out he asked the Dr for a sperm test.

The Dr. was amazed, but old Henry insisted, he wanted to prove to his wife that he "still had it". So the Dr. gave old Henry a jar and told him to bring it back later.

A few hours later, a dejected old Henry came into the Dr's office
carrying the empty jar. The Dr. asked what had happened and old Henry said,

"Well, I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left hand...My wife, she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand. She tried with her teeth in and she tried with her teeth out… and neither one of us can get the lid off this damn jar!"

 

[RhymeFairy]

A gas station in Maine was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up". Soon a local poet pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The poet then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same poet, along with a fellow poet, Eagleyez, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The poet guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the poet said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Eagleyez replied, "No it isn't! It's not rigged. Angeline won twice last week."

Thinkin this one kinda * slipped * by the others. What a hoot ~!!

* Grins *

Poor Eagleyze, gettin a all * gassed * up, when all he was wantin was a lil err sex ... ~

* Giggles * could not resist ~

Me~