Moths - Tell us about your flame and why...

[Kajira Callista]

The flame i am drawn to is not usually a person but certain personality traits. My attraction is the dark side of a person...i get drawn in quickly when a persons dark side matches my own. There are other things that draw me in such as the ability to understand what goes on in this scary place called my head and like it.
I have tried to explain this before but it is hard to do. There is a feeling i get, i call it the "pull". It is a silent communication, an invite to see their dark side, a feeling that it is ok to reveal the real me....i guess that would be my flame.

 

[dolf]

i don't know if i've ever had that...i've been infatuated briefly, i've had the fondness that long term couples get but it's not the same...
it sounds so thrilling, i want!
xx

 

[Betticus]

i don't know if i've ever had that...i've been infatuated briefly, i've had the fondness that long term couples get but it's not the same...
it sounds so thrilling, i want!
xx

That puts you up to 100 posts. Time for you to get an av.

 

[dolf]

That puts you up to 100 posts. Time for you to get an av.

done! hope people like it
xx

 

[Betticus]

done! hope people like it
xx

Sexy, I like.

 

[m wisdom]

done! hope people like it
xx

Very much, how could we not.

 

[Caitlynne]

What I desire to know now, is - how does one break the hold of a flame? If you have been able to extinguish a flame, please tell how you did it. And thank you for sharing.

Well, now to tackle this question. I have a few differing opinions on this. How does one break the hold of a flame? One walks away, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. It's the only way in my opinion to break the tie. Sever it completely.

However, I'm not always sure that should be done. Isn't it like another limit to be pushed? In some ways I've always seen and experienced this on a number of levels. One is the complete knowledge that I'm not going to win in any shape or form, and I should walk away.

But on some other darker level, I know I'm drawn to more than the person, I'm drawn to some *thing* in the flame that will quench another kind of hunger. In my case, it's been the hunger for self-knowledge. Each time I've been in the throws of a 'moth to the flame' dynamic, I've always walked away with some deep intensely obtained self knowledge. As if the passion of the moth to the flame dynamic brought me something extra, something I hungered for even more than the flame itself. That the flame was often just a means to another *unknown* end.

So I'm not always sure that the best advice is to walk away. I'm of the opinion that all experiences are valuable, nothing is wasted in life. There is something unique in the passion/obsession of a moth. Why does it linger in that flame? It's counter-survival, but still it calls to us all at some point or another.

Is that call a call to find some inner truth? Is it?

Sometimes I think it is exactly what it is. So I'm not sure we should break the tie before we expend our passion in the pursuit. Can we tell ahead of time that it is a valuable exercise in self-evolution? No, we can't. That's the risk isn't it. That's the lure and danger. Can we flirt so close to that flame that we can feel its warmth, but scoot away before we get burned? Do we inch closer and closer to the flame, push that limit?

It's all so beautiful and dangerous and self-actualizing in so many ways. So I'm not one to recommend flying away from the flame. I wish I could say I was, but I'm eternally attracted to such flames. They've always brought me so close to an intimate understanding of myself. I value that, even if it's bought with some pain.

I'm rambling a bit, I don't think this is an answer, just my own thoughts on the nature of the flame and its allure to a curious moth.

~ Cait

 

[Caitlynne]

**Cait takes out her shot gun and shoots the dreaded double post**

There's that's much better.

 

[Esclava]

Many may disagree with this logic, but the only full-proof method is prevention all together. Fly as far away from the source as possible.

Fully extinguished fires still leave behind unwanted wreckage.

That is sound advice, helene - very sound.

If it weren't for the fact that by the time you realize there is safety in fleeing - it's already too late.

If a fully extinguished flame leaves me more willing to love with a deeper passion as "wreckage" - then I hope my flame dies the death of a phoenix.

Esclava

 

[FungiUg]

When I broke up with my ex-wife, I was still very much in love with her. She had been my first and only lover, and we had been together 9 years. My sexual self and fantasy life were all bound up and focussed on her. Part of my identity had become part of her.

In the few months after our break up, we tried the friendship thing. She valued me being part of her life, and we even occasionally had sex.

Talk about fucking with my head. My youngest sister finally had words with me and told me that I needed to move on. To break from her completely. To stop obsessing over her.

And that's what I did. I walked away from her. I told her I wanted no contact. No e-mail, phone calls, mail, whatever. Nothing. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I couldn't stand not being my own self. I couldn't stand the constant hurt and tearing. The constant tears and frustration and anguish.

So I did it. And I have never regretted it. But by god it was damned hard to do.

Sometimes, it's the only option.

 

[Esclava]

Snowy,

I must agree with what KC and Caitlynne said about facing and learning from those things which push us to the very limit of our sanity - daring us to step over the line and come back whole.

Bring those "demons" into the light - see them for what they are! Look at them and understand what power they hold over you.

Then reclaim it! The power is, and always has been, yours. I believe fear keeps most of us from reclaiming power stolen from us by our own demons - and WE create them!

Change the power dynamic of the demon(s) and your dreams will be more serene. Take back the power of the demon(s) to hurt you spiritually and your soul will be more peaceful.

IMO, one MUST embrace a demon in order to excise it. In the same way one lances an infected pustule - once it is opened and cleaned; it scabs over for protection and then heals completely. Not a pretty picture, but the first step to healing is to embrace, open, clean, and then allow it to heal. I promise - you will be stronger than you ever thought you could be.

And in that process, I believe, you may find the gift of self-knowledge so beautifully spoken of by Caitlynne.

Esclava

 

[Esclava]

Esclava,

I have sat here for almost three hours, contemplating this post and I honestly cannot wrap my mind around the magnitude of what you have done. You have certainly earned a measure of my respect by this thread.

<snip> (please read the rest of his post on page 1 - it is beautiful)

Why thank you, Sir RJM. It was not without a tremendous amount of trepidation that I abandoned good sense and allowed my fingers to type what was in my heart.

My sincerest apologies for your vexation, but the passion shared was worth any punishment that would be meted out for such annoyance. Be well,

Esclava

 

[snowy ciara]

Thanks for the thinks, folks. I'm working on it.. I'm sort of torn between "the unexamined life it not worth living" and "ignorance is bliss". I'll reply in more detail later, when I'm not as fried. Have I mentioned insomnia sucks?

 

[RJMasters]

Why thank you, Sir RJM. It was not without a tremendous amount of trepidation that I abandoned good sense and allowed my fingers to type what was in my heart.

My sincerest apologies for your vexation, but the passion shared was worth any punishment that would be meted out for such annoyance. Be well,

Esclava

some vexations are good medicine. Because then one must examine why one is vexed...it is then they discover the cause of the vexation is something they learned about themself.

In a way I got both barrels from this thread. And loved it.

ty

 

[sincerely_helene]

That is sound advice, helene - very sound.

If a fully extinguished flame leaves me more willing to love with a deeper passion as "wreckage" - then I hope my flame dies the death of a phoenix.

Esclava

Then you are a much stronger person than I.

 

[Esclava]

some vexations are good medicine. Because then one must examine why one is vexed...it is then they discover the cause of the vexation is something they learned about themself.

In a way I got both barrels from this thread. And loved it.

ty

You're most welcome, Sir. It is comforting to know that I've not lost the ability to walk on an edge, invite others to that edge (to help me find balance) and discover that they have found renewal in the walk we have shared.

The One I seek will be priceless in value and rare in existence. I only hope that my heart is not so closed that I will miss such a treasure.

Esclava

Edited to add what I "missed" by being so tired...my apologies to you

 

[Esclava]

Then you are a much stronger person than I.

Strength, my dear, comes in varying degrees. I would venture a guess that in some aspects of your life - you are an Amazon.

I may be wrong, but there is a quiet, understated strength I perceive in you. So, while you may be quiet and submissive - I sense the heart of an Amazon, nevertheless!

Go, Zena, Go!

Esclava

 

[sincerely_helene]

Strength, my dear, comes in varying degrees. I would venture a guess that in some aspects of your life - you are an Amazon.

I may be wrong, but there is a quiet, understated strength I perceive in you. So, while you may be quiet and submissive - I sense the heart of an Amazon, nevertheless!

Go, Zena, Go!

Esclava

Not an Amazon, really.
But I do play one on PC!

(Thank you, by the way.)

 

[Netzach]

flame is vexing, by nature, you know it's not good for you but you keep going back for your next fix...G and our insane chemistry, the realization that how we are is going to alter, but what we are can't and won't, our being bound in crossed stars, possibly long before we were born...

but it's M's face rubbing my elbow, blissed out and spent that's my food, my air.

 

[Esclava]

flame is vexing, by nature, you know it's not good for you but you keep going back for your next fix...<snip>

But if you know it is not good for you and you keep coming back for your next fix, can a flame be relegated to a place in your conscious mind where sanity can exist again?

And if it cannot, does anyone have suggestions on overcoming a flame so it no longer controls your life?

This thread has been cathartic for me and I thank everyone who has contributed. I stepped out on the edge, but each reply has helped me take a step further across the chasm between where I was when I wrote it - and where I am going.

But I am not there yet...

Esclava

 

[InnerDarkness]

my only sanity when a flame has existed has come after the flame was as extinguished as it could be.

Even to this day, over a year later, I still am drawn to my first Sir. The draw lessens, the desire wanes, but the moment there is a contact...even a brief spark burns me so badly...

I try so damn HARD to make it go away...to soothe the last ember to sleep...to let my wounds heal....

I long for the day when that flame finally becomes smoke and just drifts away...

but I don't know how to make that happen....

 

[Kajira Callista]

But if you know it is not good for you and you keep coming back for your next fix, can a flame be relegated to a place in your conscious mind where sanity can exist again?

And if it cannot, does anyone have suggestions on overcoming a flame so it no longer controls your life?

This thread has been cathartic for me and I thank everyone who has contributed. I stepped out on the edge, but each reply has helped me take a step further across the chasm between where I was when I wrote it - and where I am going.

But I am not there yet...

Esclava

I dont know about anyone else, but i dont see anything wrong with keeping the flame instead if extinguishing it, and learning not to be the moth.

 

[InnerDarkness]

I dont know about anyone else, but i dont see anything wrong with keeping the flame instead if extinguishing it, and learning not to be the moth.

I am having the most intense deja-vu right now...seriously...re-reading my post, reading your response to Esclava and then hitting the reply button...wow...topic and everything

but anyway...I digress...

How do you learn not to be the moth?

 

[Kajira Callista]

I am having the most intense deja-vu right now...seriously...re-reading my post, reading your response to Esclava and then hitting the reply button...wow...topic and everything

but anyway...I digress...

How do you learn not to be the moth?

By remembering what happens every time you get too close to that flame.

 

[snowy ciara]

But the hurt hurt is so good! I mean, part of the attraction of the flame is the pain it gives you. When you're eroticized to pain, it attracts you, even if when you know that it could destroy you. (and emotional distress can be just as intoxicating. I think this how a mind fuck works, but I don't know. I've never experienced one.) This is part of the struggle with the demon. I know that I like the "ow" but I've yet to make the transition from self inflicted pain to other inflicted pain. If self inflicted pain is so damn intoxiating/drugging or addictive, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stop a PYL if need be. I know that responsible PYL's would stop at a safeword. I've hurt myself long past that grey "safe" area. If I can't safeword myself, how am I gonna safeword them? This is what I meant when I said before that I was afraid that the demon would overcome me if I embraced it. I'm not sure there's a happy medium in there.

Sometimes its hard to resist the flame.

"I keep on dying,
Because I love to live
maya angelou; "the Lesson"