My current BDSM situation.

[BiBunny]

Thank you both of you. Your truly understanding my post. I really do want to go at a nice slow pace and explore many options. The list above is just a list of things I find interesting and want to look into and try out.

Thanks for not jumping on the bandwagon like some of the other posters who aren't even bothering to try and understand why I am here.

Perhaps it's you who doesn't understand where we're coming from. Trust me, honey, people like you are a dime a dozen. It's easy to talk the talk; walking the walk is the hard part. Whining because you're not getting what you want fast enough isn't going to endear you to anybody. You don't even know for sure if you're going to like this or not until you try it. I'll give you a hint, though--most people aren't nearly as hardcore as they like to think they are.

And with that, I am out, since you appear to know more than I do already.

 

[KLCK]

Sticks and stones. I am not getting drawn in anymore. I am just going to take advice now. I dont know why you think I know more than you. I dont remember saying that.

But no, good DAY sir.

 

[nh23]

Hello! This is my first post! :3



So am I too young to be thinking of all these things? Am I just a twit with a romantic image of sex and BDSM?

You asked the question. I gave you my honest opinion. No need to get huffy. I never suggested you fuck nilla girls for 5 years. I'm just saying it's good to go slow. Some people make the mistake of jumping in and feeling like they have to accomplish everything at once, and sometimes they hurt other people. There is never a time when any of us can say "I know everything" and get overconfident. Even someone who has been doing this for years can get overconfident, and hurt someone. I'm sure the majority of us, even those of us who have been doing this for years still take the time to educate ourselves and learn new things.

 

[mickyp123]

All I see is an eager, enthusiastic, YOUNG, inexperienced guy. Holy shit.. don't any of you remember what that was like?? To have the whole world laid out infront of you at an all you can eat buffet when you've been dieting for 3 wks... KLCK has only mentioned things that are of interest to him, not that he's rushing into any of them.

I think if you go slow, building up not only your experience but your confidence level as well... anything you want is well within your reach. Don't go into this with the idea that you are one thing and only one thing.. ie a Dom/sub. Go into it to explore it all. Is it easier to explore sex without the BDSM clouding your thoughts or to explore BDSM without the sex getting in the way? Only you can answer that.

You have to start somewhere... don't expect to go into a relationship thinking that you know everything there is to know about whipping. If you don't know what you are doing or are playing with someone who doesn't have any experience either, chances are there are going to be some mistakes. Hopefully ones that aren't permanently damaging. Err on the side of caution with all that you do.

We were all new to this as well. We have all been where you are now. When I started I had a set of ideas that I wanted to do.. now, while I have done them all, I've done enough to know that what I initially wanted, is not for me. Find local people and hang with them. My local munch (actually here they call it a slosh, not sure why) is weekly at a local restaurant. Attendence ranges from 10 to 50 depending on the week, season, holiday, etc. There is some discrete discussion, but for the most part it's a group of people who have similar interests sitting down to dinner, drinks, conversation and friendship. You might meet a gentle Domme there, or someone who is willing to mentor you, or a friendly companion willing to slowly explore things at your pace, or you thiers. Read, ask questions, be open to everything you hear... not all of it will apply to you, but when it's fairly specific (ie. knife play, fisting, certain bondage techniques, etc) then pay attention to those that have more experience. Listen to everything, but filter out the things that don't apply to you, keeping only the things that do. No where does it say that you have to do things at someone else's pace. Work to your comfort level as you explore things.

Good luck and happy exploring!!

well put

 

[be_ignited]

Thank you both of you. Your truly understanding my post. I really do want to go at a nice slow pace and explore many options. The list above is just a list of things I find interesting and want to look into and try out.

Thanks for not jumping on the bandwagon like some of the other posters who aren't even bothering to try and understand why I am here.

Bolded the part I'm responding to.

The thing is we only know you from what you tell us. The burden of expressing yourself clearly so that the people here can respond to your questions and "understand why [you] are here" is on you. The only thing we have to go on is what you give us.

My advice to you, like many others have said: slow down.

This tipped me off:

I currently have a girl "lined up". She is four years older than me and is submissive. She wants to fly or drive out to my city and visit me for sex/romance. Its going to be fun!

I'm going to skip the part where I tell you what my reaction would be to having someone say that they had me "lined up."

How well do you know this woman? Are you guys on the same page about what you're looking to get out of this? Does she know about your inexperience? And if she does, are you prepared for the topping from the bottom that might have to take place? Is she?

To be perfectly honest, many submissives will not be interested in you because of your inexperience. I'm not trying to dissuade you from pursuing something (or worse, imply that you should hide it, which could be dangerous), just trying to be honest. Perhaps you should try to find someone similarly inexperienced who is wiling to explore together--there are plenty of sites for kinky personals (Lit's and Collarme's are the ones I'm most familiar with). Maybe, since you say you're not entirely sure of your orientation it would even be better to find someone kink inclined to just explore with in general.

 

[kitten]

You know, as much as it pisses me off for people to pull the age card on me, I'm going to be a hypocrite, I suppose, and do it here, though I think it applies.

For God's sake, you're 18. Not 80. There are plenty of people here who have been "waiting" a lot longer than you have.

You haven't had sex yet. That's not insulting, flame-baiting, or assuming too much. You said that yourself. Honestly, you need to have at least one intimate relationship with someone to learn a.) how relationships work and b.) how the human body works.

Educating yourself doesn't mean reading shit online and thinking you already know how to do it. Have you ever held a flogger in your hand? Has anyone taught you how to swing it? Or, barring that, have you swung it yourself, practicing on couch cushions or whatever to learn to hit what you're swinging at? It's one thing to read "don't hit the kidneys," but it's quite another to be able to to avoid injuring someone else if you think that by reading, you've learned.

I'm 24. I've been doing this shit for about 5 years. I still pretty much class myself as a beginner as far as S&M play goes. I have the basics down, but am I as knowledgeable as someone like Evil Geoff or Homburg or Netzach? Hell no.

I used to teach horse-riding lessons when I still lived with my parents. The absolute WORST students were the ones who, even though they'd never sat on a horse before, had read all the books and thought they knew everything there was to know. I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt until you started arguing with experienced people about what you supposedly "know."

You have a long way to go, my dear.

I have to say I agree-- And I am only 18 myself.

To be honest, I wouldn't want someone who's never held a flogger in their hands going anywhere NEAR me. I don't care if you're a virgin-- while I would prefer someone experienced, I have no problem with virgins.

But the truth is, no matter how much you read, it isn't nearly the same as when you actually do it. "It" being sex, BDSM, whatever.

I knew beforehand that I was into some BDSM-- and I still have a LOT to explore, I've barely even dipped my toes into the baby pool.

Take some time to have vanilla sex, and then go from there-- if you were meant to be a Dom, you'll probably find yourself naturally falling into that position with your partner. Besides, being involved in BDSM doesn't mean you never have vanilla sex. You can prefer kinky sex, but most couples still have vanilla sex sometimes.

Anyway, back on topic-- I wouldn't want anyone to try to Dominate me-- whether emotionally or physically-- until they had experience with relationships, sex, and love.

That all I have to say, for now.

 

[kitten]

Wait, no, I have more to say (triggered by the post before me)

I currently have a girl "lined up". She is four years older than me and is submissive. She wants to fly or drive out to my city and visit me for sex/romance. Its going to be fun!

Losing your virginity to someone you hardly know is a bad decision, in my opinion. I think a lot of people lose it in bad ways and while I don't necessarily think you should save it for "the one" or whatever, I think you should save it for someone who you care about a lot, who cares about you, who you share mutual respect with, and who you are 95% sure you will not regret it, EVER, no matter what happens.

That's my 2 cents.

 

[be_ignited]

Wait, no, I have more to say (triggered by the post before me)



Losing your virginity to someone you hardly know is a bad decision, in my opinion. I think a lot of people lose it in bad ways and while I don't necessarily think you should save it for "the one" or whatever, I think you should save it for someone who you care about a lot, who cares about you, who you share mutual respect with, and who you are 95% sure you will not regret it, EVER, no matter what happens.

That's my 2 cents.

I was going to comment on that, too, but changed my mind.

It's definitely something to keep in mind, and something I would have mentioned were the OP female.

Double Standard? Yup. So there's my bias showing.

I just thought about my younger brother. Warm, wet and a pulse (and it doesn't even have to be a very strong one ) is all he needs.

I'm glad you said what I decided against. Good advice, especially for a self-professed romantic.

 

[kitten]

I was going to comment on that, too, but changed my mind.

It's definitely something to keep in mind, and something I would have mentioned were the OP female.

Double Standard? Yup. So there's my bias showing.

I just thought about my younger brother. Warm, wet and a pulse (and it doesn't even have to be a very strong one ) is all he needs.

I'm glad you said what I decided against. Good advice, especially for a self-professed romantic.

I don't really think it matters, whether you're male or female. Yes, females have a tendency to get more emotionally attached to the males they sleep with, especially their firsts-- but I know that doesn't mean guys don't ever regret it, you know? I'm sure plenty of them do.

 

[sexycaz22]

I have been in the editing post for a while now....and I am still thinking on how to reply.

I have read all posts, and all the posters, including Primax, have given some good advice, in their own ways.

I have to say, that Primax have hit on the head, in his own way, (btw yes I agree, the way he went about it was wrong) and I think you are fantasying a bit, in my own opinion.

Why do I think that?

Well, let's have a look at this list.........wtf? Hell, I have been having fantasies for ages, and only became active last year, and even though I am still on that ever-lasing journey of mine, I have not heard of the half things on this list!

Puppy play
Kitten play
Dress up
Specialized custom ceremonies
Collaring
Spanking
Flogging
Writing on the body
Cock worship
Leaving orders for her to follow
Making her wear a butt plug
Letting my lesbian or bi-sexual female friends borrow her
Anal to oral
Vaginal to oral
Paddling
Whipping
Anal training
Rimming her
Blindfolds
Nipple play (with her nipples, not mine lol)
Finger sucking
Foot fetish stuff
Humiliation (alone or in front of a single close friend at the most)
Rope play
Full slavery
A LITTLE BIT of watersports
Multiple slaves (well THATS ideal)
Squirting (Also a bit idealistic)
Massaging
Ownership tattoo's/piercings
Dealing with sub-drop and helping her through it

I advise you to forget all this list for now, and look at yourself, at the kinky you, and how you feel about being that kinky. (wheter it be a PYL or pyl) Explore yourself, go on a journey of yourself, take it slow, meet other people, talk to them. Focus on YOURSELF, not on the activities, not on the fantasies you may have, and entirely not on other people!

Go to local munches, go to workshops, talk to different people, take in all what you know, learn. Online research is good, but the reality is experiences and real life stories from other people is far better than online research/stories.

That way, you can make friends, get to know them in your local area, and meet up for a chat and drinks.

DO NOT jump in the pond with both feet!

I nearly did, till someone on Lit suggested that I take it slow, meet other people and chat and learn from them, and I am glad I did!

Fantasies are good, but sometimes the reality does not match the fantasies, unfortunately.

So, be YOURSELF, take it slow, talk to other people, and do not jump in too deeply.

Just my two pennies

 

[Primalex]

I usually get this kind of speech when posting my idea's/fantasies

Ah yes. "A lot of people tell me this so I don't listen to them." Very smart reaction.

I was asking for opinions and advice on entering the BDSM scene,

Yes, sweetie, you did. I'll quote you again:
"So am I too young to be thinking of all these things? Am I just a twit with a romantic image of sex and BDSM?"

You got the answer. Now stop pouting.

I even emphasized that I wanted to go slow and see what I like, trying things and deciding what fetishes I truly did want and which ones I would not care for.

A virgin who wants to explore multiple slaves. Yeah...right. This is exactly my idea of "going slow".

 

[Primalex]

Ive been educating myself for years!

 

[Primalex]

I don't think that having never had sex you march into the world ready for fullblown lifestyle D/s, but seriously, why do you have to have a few years of unfulfilling PIV sex and get really attached to someone you have to dump because they're not ever going to satisfy your needs but they're a great person otherwise....etc. Why is some roleplay, exploration, and bondage out of the question?

It isn't.

The advice just seems schizo here.

It is not. It would be schizo if you would apply the same advice to every person. We all started one way or the other as virgin and as "BDSM noobs". The problem here is not being a BDSM beginner.

 

[midwestyankee]

To the OP,

First off, it might help you understand some of the reactions you've encountered here when you consider the relationship between the title of your thread and the reality of your life. You don't really have a "current BDSM situation." You have a life situation into which you hope to inject some BDSM.

Even a quick reading of your initial post would reveal that you're not only inexperienced you're undecided about who and what you are. Clearly you've read a lot and used your imagination a lot because what you've read fired up your imagination. Good. That's a good start.

But it's also important to recognize that because you've never initiated, developed, and maintained a relationship with a woman, you have a lot to learn that is outside the boundaries of BDSM. It takes a while for people new to this to come to grips with the fact that the relationship must come first and the BDSM dynamic can only exist as a part of the relationship. It can't define the relationship or there likely won't be enough glue to hold the two together after the crop cools down and the ropes are put away.

I suggest you listen closely to those who've told you to take it slow. Get yourself into a good relationship and explore your interest in things BDSM. Don't be suckered into what looks like a good thing when an apparent submissive woman offers to give you all your dreams. No one can do that. You have to make them real on your own.

So, now back to my original point: you don't have a BDSM situation. You have a life situation. Enjoy it and learn. That's what we're all on this planet to do.

 

[Primalex]

What he said.

 

[katalynn]

i've always known what kind of relationship I was looking for since Iwas like 17. I always knew i was a submissive. But I didn't rush into it because I didn't trust people enough to go this route. Some people like to abuse this kind of power and that scared me at the time.

This is my very first D/s relationship and I didn't get into it till Iwas 25ish. Even then I was just barely getting into it. I'm 29 now and still in that one relationship. Master and I are still learning things that we want to try after 4-5 yrs.

I know my hard limits and things I might try at least once.

This type of thing is a never ending learning experience. You have to take it slow. Yes I was eager to get into it, in fact the Master I have I am the one that introduced him into this type of lifestyle. He knew about these things, but never done them himself and he's around 40yrs.

so yea... TAKE YOUR TIME.

Learning is experiencing yes. Where you are you, I'm there's a ton of grps out there. Can't be to hard to find someone that will show you the way around this lifestyle. It took me a long time to find what iwas truly looking for and I'm glad I waited. If I was to rush into it, It might have turned me away if I was to meet the wrong person.

Anyway... the advice here are good ones. Just wanted to add this little tid bit in there. Personal experience type thing.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I am sorry but I disagree, Primalex was flame baiting. I seriosly think you are giving him way to much credit. Maybe he is a friend of yours and you feel you need to protect him, I don't know.

Honey, it is not Primalex being immature. As to him being a friend, if you knew me well enough you would know I treat everyone the same, friend or not...and no, apart from reading his posts, agreeing with some, not with others, he is not my special friend nor am I being selective, nor am I protecting him...if anything, I was trying to let you know you were being mislead by Twysted's comment...he did it so easily and you jumped right on it without knowing what was good advice and what wasn't.

I quoted what I felt was the most important and which I agreed with most. If you had more knowledge of both D/s and his posts, you would already know just as I said, he often gives great advice and knows what he is talking about. We all have our own personalities, just as you do, and on this forum we are open and friendly...that does not translate into putting down someone because they don't say what we want to hear, at least for most of us.

As to being shy, you don't have to explain it to me...it doesn't have to be a life sentence though, as you have already discovered at your tender age, nor does it mean you have to leave yourself open to being mislead. Sometimes you have to use a little patience, observe, and then make a decision instead of letting someone do it for you. As to wasn't I offended? As you might come to know, it takes a lot to offend me.

So as to your original questions, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to experience what you fantasise about, as long as you can do it safely with someone who also shares your desires and consents. I never go wild about the idea of finding a relationship first and then trying to introduce your original intentions at a later date. It can work but the odds are it usually doesn't, at least not satisfactorily, and can often make the other person feel they were lied to and mislead. By all means find someone who also wants to explore in similar directions, or has some experience...it may take a little longer but then it can save a lot of heartache and time overall. If you are successful in finding someone to share with, you will find it is a never ending journey of discovery if you open yourself to it.

Catalina

 

[KLCK]

Bolded the part I'm responding to.

The thing is we only know you from what you tell us. The burden of expressing yourself clearly so that the people here can respond to your questions and "understand why [you] are here" is on you. The only thing we have to go on is what you give us.

My advice to you, like many others have said: slow down.


I'm going to skip the part where I tell you what my reaction would be to having someone say that they had me "lined up."

How well do you know this woman? Are you guys on the same page about what you're looking to get out of this? Does she know about your inexperience? And if she does, are you prepared for the topping from the bottom that might have to take place? Is she?

To be perfectly honest, many submissives will not be interested in you because of your inexperience. I'm not trying to dissuade you from pursuing something (or worse, imply that you should hide it, which could be dangerous), just trying to be honest. Perhaps you should try to find someone similarly inexperienced who is wiling to explore together--there are plenty of sites for kinky personals (Lit's and Collarme's are the ones I'm most familiar with). Maybe, since you say you're not entirely sure of your orientation it would even be better to find someone kink inclined to just explore with in general.

Oh I will go very slow.
First step: Hugging.
Second step: headbuts
lol

Ok! All about the girl I have "lined up". Yes I know that really does sound offensive how I worded it. She said its ok and she is reading this thread.

How well do I know her? Well it depends on what you mean by that. We have been talking for about 8 months I believe over the interwebs via email. Some people claim you can get to know someone really well without seeing there face while others say no. Its up to you. Are we on the same page? Well I have very clearly explained that I am not sure I can really be with her long term for some reasons I don't want to disclose. We have talked about my interests and curiosities and were going to just try stuff out and see were it goes. No rush. Yes, she knows all about my inexperience. Like I said in my original post I do have a slight bit of a submissive side and we will try all sorts of things until were nice and comfy.

I do realize that about subs not wanting a youngin. Ive browsed CollarMe and some girls really want only a older guy. It makes sense that a subby would want a experienced dom especially when it comes to using items that are considered weapons by some people.

Ive even considered finding a mistress and letting her hold my hand through some of the first hoops.

The lovely women I have "lined up" is inexperienced just like me when it comes to BDSM only. She wants to try all sorts of stuff with me and I already picture us together in a hotel with me fumbling with a dildo and her saying "honey, thats a champaign bottle".

The only fetish I KNOW I want at this point is writing letters to whomever my romantic interest is. I live writing and I have written tons of stuff for her so I know that is going to carry on into real life with romantic letters scattered about waiting for her to find.

 

[Maxell46]

Wow...
young and full of vim & vigor...
and 18 year old testosterone.

You need to crawl before you run ( naked with whip and chains flailing...nipple clamps poised and ready to clamp upon your submissives hardened buds)and you need to hold & kiss an actual real live fleshed out woman way before you start trying this stuff.
Easy dude!
Your way over your head already with your sex crazed thoughts.
Take some time to actually have a relationship with a woman.
They are nice to be with and make great friends...

Fun thread to read thru to

 

[marieR19]

KLCK, you remind me of myself a few years ago. Really, really do. It's not a bad thing, just very familiar. Which is why I hope you'll take what I say seriously (as opposed to other's you've dismissed because of their tones).

I, too, KNEW that I wanted a bdsm relationship, knew it for years. I've been reading/studying/etc since I was 15. I've been on this forum for years. Talked to real-life Mistresses, read tons of books, etc etc. I knew so much I thought my head would explode.

Then came my first real-life bdsm-related experience, and all that "knowledge" flew out the window. I thought I knew what to expect, and I thought I knew what I wanted. I had it all planned, thought out in my mind. It never goes exactly like planned, especially not when you are so inexperienced. My very first bdsm experience ended the first time she bit my lip, and I freaked out because it hurt too much (this, despite the fact that I *knew!* I was a complete masocist).

Since then I've had other experiences, and I've learned I'm not nearly as submissive as I'd like to think I am. Do I still have fantasies about being tied up and fucked 'till I'm screaming? Sure. Do I still wish to be forced into sexual situations I may not like? Definitely. But I now know the reality is much different then my fantasies, and I know better then to try to put those things into action, because my mind talks a big game but in reality I'm simply not that submissive.

I'm not saying you shouldn't try, not at all. But yes, slow and steady is the key. That list of yours is nice and couragous, but don't take for granted that because you feel interested in any of those things, you'll actually end up liking it or even trying it in real life.

And, just to ease my mind about some of the basics: this girl you are talking to about this, have you two talked about safewords and safety procautions? First things first, if she actually visits.

Please keep us updated, I'm genuinely interested in knowing how things go.


Heather

 

[faeriefire]

hmm... um... wow! Ok, first, the internet is not real life. It's helpful, informative, a good way to meet people and make some friends. But yowza! Just be careful if you're going to meet someone from online. Safe call. Meet first in a public place. Common sense. If you've never met it's never good to assume the chemistry will be there automatically. She's really flying to your town for sex with an 18yo virgin of undecided kink??? What a trip that'll be...

I'm rather surprised you weren't aware of the books mentioned above if you've been researching this awhile. Definately read up. Safety...very important...SM 101 is good. Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns is well written. Different Loving also. You mentioned rope bondage. If you wanna do anything beyond cuffs to a headboard talk to a rope Top first. You can do a lot of damage if you don't know where nerves are located.

Go to a munch. They're cool. People are nice, and oftentimes much older. They're still cool. And experienced. With toys that they will likely be willing to use or share so you can get a sense for how they feel from either side.

Don't get discouraged if it takes time to find a group you click with. Read up, find out what you like and then find others who will teach you how to do it *relatively*safely. Best of luck in any case. Just...be careful cuz it's a lot to bite off. Stay safe, do your homework, and don't expect to be superDom/sub/switchy/whatever in a week. Time, time, and more time. Some of us have plenty of it, so don't rush too fast or you might find the possibilities are exhausted by the time you hit 40.

 

[enpassant18]

What you need is to find an older woman like the one who wrote this to teach you.

 

[KLCK]

Hmm, thanks for the advice ya'll. I kinda think of myself as a little whimpy compared to other people interested in BDSM. I dont really go for leather or pain of any sorts...I am so sensative to pain compared to otehr people lol.

Yes, she is planning to fly here just for me (plus its Vegas, so if things dont work out there is PLENTY to do in Vegas). We are planning to meet in a totally public place but I am a bit worried about the safe call buisness. There is still plenty of time to plan, I dont even think I will have an opening to see her until a few monthes away.

@ empassant: Yes, I am thinking about meeting an older dom women to ejumacate's me. Being a sub is a bit attractive to me...plus she could sort of "take care" of me and make sure I dont bite off more than I can chew.

 

[Netzach]

Huh.

Dommes over 20 = scene babysitters?

 

[rosco rathbone]

Man, you kids today have it easy.

When I was 18, I wouldn't have known what a "dom" was if 20 of them ran over me in a circus clown car.