My current BDSM situation.

[KLCK]

Huh.

Dommes over 20 = scene babysitters?

O_O....yesh! I wonder, if I start as submissive...would babysitting me be a good first scene? lol

Man, you kids today have it easy.

When I was 18, I wouldn't have known what a "dom" was if 20 of them ran over me in a circus clown car.

I would have never learned of this stuff if it wasn't for the Internet. "So what positions do you use during sex?" "You mean there's more than one?!?!?"

 

[FurryFury]

Man, you kids today have it easy.

When I was 18, I wouldn't have known what a "dom" was if 20 of them ran over me in a circus clown car.

I know!

Tonight my daughter (17) who among many other things would like to be "an interrogator" AKA torturer for the government, asked me if a Domme could be a masochist.

LOL!

Kids, what are ya gonna do?

 

[KLCK]

Kids, what are ya gonna do?

Get horribly traumatized by visiting "rotten.com" when your 12 years old and never get over it all the way?

Thats just about what happened to me...I came out ok though...

...they hope.... ^_^

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Whether someone's 60 or 16 or a sub or a dom, they're entitled to be treated with respect when they're a guest in your home. The arrogant attitude of some of the people on this board makes you wonder if they're the ones getting laid at all or just living in a preadolescent macho fantasy world themselves and compensating for it with their online personas.

 

[nh23]

Whether someone's 60 or 16 or a sub or a dom, they're entitled to be treated with respect when they're a guest in your home. The arrogant attitude of some of the people on this board makes you wonder if they're the ones getting laid at all or just living in a preadolescent macho fantasy world themselves and compensating for it with their online personas.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The kid is 18 years ago and fantasizes about BDSM. He probably sits at home at night making lists of all the things he wants to do, in excruciating detail. I know how guys are. Now he's got a chance to start taking his first steps and he comes here to some people he thinks he can trust and respect and he asks for help on taking those first steps and what does he get? A bunch of "experts" telling him to fuck off because he's a virgin.

So how do you learn then? If he can't ask you guys, who does he ask? What the fuck is the purpose of this board? Just to strut in front of each other in some status parade looking subbier- and dommier-than-thou? Apparently.

Listen, KLCK, if you've got this girl coming in, there's all sorts of things you can do. You can tie her. If you're meeting her in a motel, you probably won't be ableto tie her to the bed, but you can tie her to herself, hogtie her or frog tie her (ankles to ass) or ankles to wrists. You can tie her standing by throwing a rope over the bathroom door and tying it to the inside doorknob.

You can use a flogger on her. You don't have to be some kind of fucking expert. That'll come later. You can use a crop too. Play with her pussy with it. This is the first time for both of you, so a little will go a long way. Tie her into a chair and use a vibrator on her. Use orgasm denial and don't let her come. Take control of her sensations and the rest will follow.

There's a start. This isn't fucking rocket science.

First of course you've got to get comfortable with each other. You've got to trust each other. If she's nervous, don't use knots, just lash her hands by wrapping the rope around them like four or five times so she can work her way free if she panics. Don't try anything too fancy, don't tie anything too tight, give her a safe word (her full name is good), don't try tying her hands over her head; always have a bandage scissors with you for emergencies, and no ropes around the throat!

We all had our first times. We didn't spring fully formed from Zeus's head.

 

[BiBunny]

Excuse the fuck out of me? You don't have to be an expert to use a flogger?

Well, maybe not an expert, but at least have some fucking clue what the hell is going on. I sported a bruised kidney for two weeks because of some fucknut with a flogger who THOUGHT he knew what he was doing. It's amazing the damage you can do out of sheer ignorance.

So pardon me if I'm not all fucking kumbayah about his plans.

 

[KLCK]

What plans? I didn't have any plans.

I am going to be gentle at first, I probably wont use a flogger unless she wants me too but even then I will start out slowly.

Dont jump to conclusions.

 

[katalynn]

I've been reading this thread, honestly it is kind of funny to me. MAster never used a flogger or any kind of whip till we met. He's around his 40's. Just take it slow with it, don't need to beat the crap of someone. Hes no expert and he doesn't admit to being one.

Use light strokes at first, get the feel for it IF she wants you to do it harder, then well put a little more into it. I actually agree with Dr M. WE all had to start somewhere. When I met my Master I told him I wanted him to tie me down and spank me. It took him a little while to think about it, took alot of time to get comfortabe with the idea alone. But he loves it and I love it, neither one of is no expert nor do we pretend to be.

Recently he just learned how to a single tail whip. Sadly we don't have one yet, we were at a party and the dude taught him how to use one. It just takes practice and getting the feel of things.

Those of you that got hurt from the ignorant ones that thought they knew it all, I'm sorry for your experience in that but it doesn't mean that EVERYONE is like that. The dude that taught Master first used a pillow or blanket just so he could get the feel for it. Then after awhile asked if I wanted him to try it on me.

It isn't that hard to get into this stuff. Hell there's all kind of books out there on how to use rope bondage and MAster uses those books all the time.

Like Dr M says, it isn't rocket science. Its a matter of wanting to learn and feeling comfortabe with what you are doing. I didn't get into this stuff till I was 26. Master and I learning together on these things and still learning.

 

[Caitlynne]

I am sorry but I disagree, Primalex was flame baiting.

Actually, no he wasn't. He was being direct that's for sure, but he wasn't flaming or baiting.

It is no crime to be young and inexperienced. Honest, there is no one trying to humiliate you here. But, there is a lot for you to learn and mostly it is about yourself. Primalex was giving you the harsh unvarnished reality of the situation, and it might have stung, but it was the truth.

 

[Kathykitten]

Ive been educating myself for years! I have been taking my time but its time to get out there and try this stuff. I finally have a car and can get away from the house. Its been this whole "take your time" thing that has made me not have a relationship or have sex yet. Thats what being shy makes you do but now I am at least mostly out of my shell.

Please please just trust those on here when they say that the only way you can truly figure out what you want and like is buy having sex first RL. I say it in the highest respect! I had the same issue, and now 7 years later I am no where near the person I was at 18. You change tremendously in the years to come, and like you say it's so valuable to just take your time, and slowly get out there. So you are on the right track

With that said you no doubt have bdsmn tendencies, and your willingess to work yourself into it gradually is a terrif sign. To many so-called bdsm'rs out there aren't even interested in checking up on anything, read any material, or learn from others, cept for having their wild sex-drive stilled.


ps: It is so terribly important to know how it actually feels physically, and what complications it can bring. For example how hard penetration can be at times! Yes, it can be! My biggest shocker was how much positions in real life differed from what I thought they were in my imaginantion and practice. I couldn't hold a single position for more than a few minutes tops lol)

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Haven't read back over the whole thread so apologies.

If nobody mentioned it yet: SAFEWORD.

Have a magical word like 'marshmallow' that can't be confused with saying 'no' and meaning 'yes.' The use of this word should halt whatever you're doing completely, pending a re-negotiation.

Be aware that if the sub's mouth is otherwise engaged, she can't safeword. Don't gag her if she's bound and don't bind her if she's gagged. Make sure she can communicate with you on some level at all times.

Check in with her. Some people use 'traffic lights' so that 'green' means 'I'm fine with what you're doing,' 'yellow' means 'I'm reaching the end of my tolerance or need a break.' red is the same as the safeword, stops everything. It's a popular safeword because it's easy to remember.

Also be aware that if a sub is 'in the zone' she may not be capable of safewording. Listen to your nonverbal cues, monitor her responses and if it looks like she's not coping with something, don't wait for her to say so.

Err on the side of caution like this and you won't go far wrong.

 

[nh23]

The kid is 18 years ago and fantasizes about BDSM. He probably sits at home at night making lists of all the things he wants to do, in excruciating detail. I know how guys are. Now he's got a chance to start taking his first steps and he comes here to some people he thinks he can trust and respect and he asks for help on taking those first steps and what does he get? A bunch of "experts" telling him to fuck off because he's a virgin.

So how do you learn then? If he can't ask you guys, who does he ask? What the fuck is the purpose of this board? Just to strut in front of each other in some status parade looking subbier- and dommier-than-thou? Apparently.

Listen, KLCK, if you've got this girl coming in, there's all sorts of things you can do. You can tie her. If you're meeting her in a motel, you probably won't be ableto tie her to the bed, but you can tie her to herself, hogtie her or frog tie her (ankles to ass) or ankles to wrists. You can tie her standing by throwing a rope over the bathroom door and tying it to the inside doorknob.

You can use a flogger on her. You don't have to be some kind of fucking expert. That'll come later. You can use a crop too. Play with her pussy with it. This is the first time for both of you, so a little will go a long way. Tie her into a chair and use a vibrator on her. Use orgasm denial and don't let her come. Take control of her sensations and the rest will follow.

There's a start. This isn't fucking rocket science.

First of course you've got to get comfortable with each other. You've got to trust each other. If she's nervous, don't use knots, just lash her hands by wrapping the rope around them like four or five times so she can work her way free if she panics. Don't try anything too fancy, don't tie anything too tight, give her a safe word (her full name is good), don't try tying her hands over her head; always have a bandage scissors with you for emergencies, and no ropes around the throat!

We all had our first times. We didn't spring fully formed from Zeus's head.

Nah not rocket science. But you SHOULD have some clue of what you are doing before you start. You can hurt someone with a flogger. Ever had bruised ribs from one? I have. And canes...I have pics around here somewhere with the flesh of my tits ripped open and bleeding from a cane. You can also break ribs and damage kidneys badly with them. No one is saying don't do it. Not a thing wrong with telling someone to educate themselves.

 

[rosco rathbone]

The baby doms of today are the scene leaders of tomorrow.

I've got a feeling this younker may be going all the way from the mailroom to the boardroom--he has the eye of the tiger.


Have fun kid...Dr. Mabeuse is essentially right on.

 

[Netzach]

I remember getting into the scene as a top, and it's way worse as a female top. Everyone is discouraging you from doing anything because they want to stay the guardians of the esoteric secret sauce.

I was writing things, planning things, figuring out what I wanted in advance of doing it, cybering, as stupid as that sounds, was a good way to try on different psychological robes and see how they felt.

I got bogged down in "training" and self-doubt I didn't need. If anything a lot of that stuff was a setback. It took me a long time to gain my confidence and the way people in the scene treated me on entering it was detrimental. I see that now. I found people who were like "go ahead, try it, you're not going to end the world" in the gay community and thank God I did. I guess there was less vested interest in getting in my pants and more a genuine care to get me where I want to be.

It's presumed that everyone entering the scene is overconfident as a top. What do people do when people are not confident? I see people prey on those people and do nothing to bolster them, telling them they're really subs to get in their pants, or treating them like hopeless jackoffs because they don't want to be challenged by the existence of a new Dom.

Don't stop fantasizing. Go to paid workshops and events whenever possible - the education is WORTH the dime and people become professional scene educators because they're good at making people not feel like shit about themselves. Finally, use some common sense, don't do it just having read about it, just be a nice person as you go do scene things and you'll get invited to things and hook up with people who have the know-how you want and want to share it without being a dick.

 

[Netzach]

Nah not rocket science. But you SHOULD have some clue of what you are doing before you start. You can hurt someone with a flogger. Ever had bruised ribs from one? I have. And canes...I have pics around here somewhere with the flesh of my tits ripped open and bleeding from a cane. You can also break ribs and damage kidneys badly with them. No one is saying don't do it. Not a thing wrong with telling someone to educate themselves.

The problem is that the person who does this is being a dick. Willfully evil, not just stupid or poor aim but poor aim plus the force and a hard enough implement to do it.

If you are using a light deer flogger like a human being you'd have to attack someone with the handle to do damage like that.

My point is that there's a lot of caution required in SM but when people talk about it they often push SO far into the realms of magical danger that they turn off new people for good. I think callousness and overmystification are both dangerous.

 

[nh23]

The problem is that the person who does this is being a dick. Willfully evil, not just stupid or poor aim but poor aim plus the force and a hard enough implement to do it.

If you are using a light deer flogger like a human being you'd have to attack someone with the handle to do damage like that.

My point is that there's a lot of caution required in SM but when people talk about it they often push SO far into the realms of magical danger that they turn off new people for good. I think callousness and overmystification are both dangerous.

*nods* Most likely he was just being a dick..lol At the time I said heavy sadist, but looking back I suppose I can see that. I've also bottomed other times to someone with no experience, but who was convinced they knew all there was to know. Believe me that can end badly also. I'm all for dude getting out in the world and trying things out. I just think educating yourself is very important. Some people learn better by doing, I get that. You had a great suggestion by having him learn from people who are already experienced. Maybe try a few scenes with someone teaching. Some people are also self taught and do an amazing job. I just think it's really important to realize fantasy and reality are totally different, and reading about flogging someone and doing it are totally different things. I don't want to discourage anyone, I just think being cautious at first is a good thing.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I remember getting into the scene as a top, and it's way worse as a female top. Everyone is discouraging you from doing anything because they want to stay the guardians of the esoteric secret sauce.

I was writing things, planning things, figuring out what I wanted in advance of doing it, cybering, as stupid as that sounds, was a good way to try on different psychological robes and see how they felt.

I got bogged down in "training" and self-doubt I didn't need. If anything a lot of that stuff was a setback. It took me a long time to gain my confidence and the way people in the scene treated me on entering it was detrimental. I see that now. I found people who were like "go ahead, try it, you're not going to end the world" in the gay community and thank God I did. I guess there was less vested interest in getting in my pants and more a genuine care to get me where I want to be.

....

Same here. They had me so scared with my first flogger, I thought it was going to fly out of my hands and strangle the poor girl like a goddamned rabid octopus. I thought if I didn't do perfect figure 8's I'd rip the skin off her back or something. It's bullshit. Use common sense. Don't go in there flailing like Indiana Jones and you'll be fine. He's not very likely to gag her and hang her from the rafters and use a cane on her in their very first session, I don't think.

A lot of doms and subs treat newbies like they're dogshit because they're status-obsessed narcissists who want to keep it a closed club in which they're the center of attention.

 

[subbie_333]

A lot of doms and subs treat newbies like they're dogshit because they're status-obsessed narcissists who want to keep it a closed club in which they're the center of attention.

darn, that was supposed to be a secret

 

[nh23]

darn, that was supposed to be a secret

No shit! Don't they know we have a limited supply of glow in the dark secret decoder rings?

 

[midwestyankee]

No shit! Don't they know we have a limited supply of glow in the dark secret decoder rings?

No wonder mine's been on back order for three months.

 

[Primalex]

The kid is 18 years ago and fantasizes about BDSM.

Right.

This is the problem.

So how do you learn then?

Real life practice.

"I know how to make a woman cum, I've watched porn movies!"

Yeah. Right.

Listen, KLCK, if you've got this girl coming in, there's all sorts of things you can do. You can tie her. If you're meeting her in a motel, you probably won't be ableto tie her to the bed, but you can tie her to herself, hogtie her or frog tie her (ankles to ass) or ankles to wrists. You can tie her standing by throwing a rope over the bathroom door and tying it to the inside doorknob.

A very good advice. Everyone knows that the best vehicle to learn driving is a hazardous materials truck.

There's a start. This isn't fucking rocket science.

Yes, you are right, it's not rocket science. It's just another human.

"Use common sense." did you write - read his first post, where the fuck is the common sense there? What you see as the enthusiastic expression of an excited BDSM starter, I see as a guy who is about to cross the line of common sense and needs to be brought back down to earth. Nobody said that he should stay there, nobody denied him to explore his BDSM nature, nobody discouraged him of meeting the girl, so you can stop your whining.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Right.

This is the problem.




Real life practice.

"I know how to make a woman cum, I've watched porn movies!"

Yeah. Right.



A very good advice. Everyone knows that the best vehicle to learn driving is a hazardous materials truck.



Yes, you are right, it's not rocket science. It's just another human.

"Use common sense." did you write - read his first post, where the fuck is the common sense there? What you see as the enthusiastic expression of an excited BDSM starter, I see as a guy who is about to cross the line of common sense and needs to be brought back down to earth. Nobody said that he should stay there, nobody denied him to explore his BDSM nature, nobody discouraged him of meeting the girl, so you can stop your whining.

Just because it scares you, doesn't mean it scares everyone else.

 

[nh23]

No wonder mine's been on back order for three months.

aww.. I'll share mine with ya.

 

[nh23]

Right.

This is the problem.




Real life practice.

"I know how to make a woman cum, I've watched porn movies!"

Yeah. Right.



A very good advice. Everyone knows that the best vehicle to learn driving is a hazardous materials truck.



Yes, you are right, it's not rocket science. It's just another human.

"Use common sense." did you write - read his first post, where the fuck is the common sense there? What you see as the enthusiastic expression of an excited BDSM starter, I see as a guy who is about to cross the line of common sense and needs to be brought back down to earth. Nobody said that he should stay there, nobody denied him to explore his BDSM nature, nobody discouraged him of meeting the girl, so you can stop your whining.

*applauds*