Naoko Smith’s Revue Bar … Review Thread

[sr71plt]

Naoko:
Considering the controversy raised by this thread, perhaps you could write a review and post it on BOTH, this thread and your blog.

Yep, that's what would be proper. We'll see if that's what she does.

And, Naoko, it's not being a troll to point out spamming.

 

[lovecraft68]

Yep, that's what would be proper. We'll see if that's what she does.

And, Naoko, it's not being a troll to point out spamming.

It depends who is spamming.

 

[sr71plt]

I rather think that massive luring in multiple forums of Lit. people to an off-site blog to read Lit.-related content looks a whole hell of a lot more like trolling than pointing to and objecting to activity that clearly violates the posted forum rules (#6) is.

But then I wouldn't have mentioned this if trolling hadn't been brought up by someone who clearly doesn't "get it."

 

[NaokoSmith]

Naoko:
Considering the controversy raised by this thread, perhaps you could write a review and post it on BOTH, this thread and your blog. I nominate my "Sexual Therapy" as a safe sex story.

It is mature, safe sex and bi-sexual-ish three chapter series about a Dr. It has scored medium well (Low 4's) and has lot of things to be critical of, while still is (I think) an interesting story.

When you only review H stories, you don't show your skills, with just glowing praise reviews.

I will check out 'Sexual Therapy' I really like your writing, although as you know, I am a bit down on your habit of chasing every plot bunny to the furthest end of its burrow, LOL. I don't only review red H stories. Or I didn't think I did! I will even review unsafe sex stories - up on Lien_Geller's thread. I have a bit of a queue of Christmas reviews for my blog at the moment, so hope you don't mind waiting a little while.

The reason I don't replicate my blogposts on the thread in their entirety is partly that they can be very long. I work hard to present them in a good format on my blog, so I rather people go there and read them. There is a nice chocolate background for the blog, which I believe is easier on the eye for people with dyslexia? (Feedback gratefully received, as ever.)

(BTW - Thanks for the supportive PMs, guys. )

 

[NaokoSmith]

My latest blogpost. I'm going to review a couple of the Winter Holiday competition stories, starting with the winner: Tara Neale's An Angel's Wish.

In the review, I discuss the way in which Tara Neale uses a mix of romantic and realist writing. I consider what she gains from romanticising one character while making other characters more realistic, and whether she might benefit from writing that character in what the critic Auerbach calls a 'creatural realism'.

 

[sr71plt]

Yeah, I knew it was all about peddling your off-site blog.

 

[JackLuis]

I will check out 'Sexual Therapy' I really like your writing, although as you know, I am a bit down on your habit of chasing every plot bunny to the furthest end of its burrow, LOL. I don't only review red H stories. Or I didn't think I did! -
(BTW - Thanks for the supportive PMs, guys. )

Well you'll find 'Sexual Therapy' has a few random bunnies, however it is really a character story. Feel free to schedule it as you wish. I put it up in 2010 and it will keep. My habit of starting with one sentence and feeling my way to a story has it's problems, but I find myself writing rather than plotting and planning. I just try to make the journey enjoyable as I wander to the conclusion.

 

[Gorza]

I nominate my "Sexual Therapy" as a safe sex story.

It is mature, safe sex and bi-sexual-ish three chapter series about a Dr. It has scored medium well (Low 4's) and has lot of things to be critical of, while still is (I think) an interesting story.

I like the sound of this story. It's on my to-read list for the holiday.

 

[JackLuis]

I like the sound of this story. It's on my to-read list for the holiday.

It's not my favorite but "Flash" does need to be edited. I'm slowly editing using the knowledge I've gained since I started in 2008.

Vote and comment if you would. As you know it can be lonely 'out here'.

 

[Gorza]

It's not my favorite but "Flash" does need to be edited. I'm slowly editing using the knowledge I've gained since I started in 2008.

Vote and comment if you would. As you know it can be lonely 'out here'.

The recent FAWC competition was at its best with a group of authors reading each other's anonymized stories. I want to keep that up: reading other Lit authors and using the forum for encouragement and constructive criticism.

A score in the low 4s is difficult to gauge. It means that readers like it, and a few love it. It's difficult to second-guess readers votes, but I wonder if you think there is something holding it back from being 'hot'. Of course, getting votes isn't everything, and some stories are so niche that readers either love them or hate them.

 

[curl4ever]

My latest blogpost. I'm going to review a couple of the Winter Holiday competition stories, starting with the winner: Tara Neale's An Angel's Wish.

In the review, I discuss the way in which Tara Neale uses a mix of romantic and realist writing. I consider what she gains from romanticising one character while making other characters more realistic, and whether she might benefit from writing that character in what the critic Auerbach calls a 'creatural realism'.

Very nice review! I enjoyed the historical perspective.

 

[curl4ever]

My latest blogpost. I'm going to review a couple of the Winter Holiday competition stories, starting with the winner: Tara Neale's An Angel's Wish.

In the review, I discuss the way in which Tara Neale uses a mix of romantic and realist writing. I consider what she gains from romanticising one character while making other characters more realistic, and whether she might benefit from writing that character in what the critic Auerbach calls a 'creatural realism'.

OUTSTANDING story to call to our attention! I enjoyed it very much.

Thank you!

- curl

 

[NaokoSmith]

I like the sound of this story. It's on my to-read list for the holiday.

Maybe you would like to review JackLuis's story, Gorza? I will give it a look myself as well, Jack, especially because I know a bit about your writing after editing the Librarian story (still hope you will finish that one), and Flash.

Thanks curl.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Review here of patientlee's story Mobile Home for the Holidays.

In the review, I talk about the difficulties of writing lesbian stories, unless you are yourself 'in the life'. For about ten years when I was younger, I was part of the black lesbian scene in London. Even so, I'm not sure I could write a true to life modern lesbian story myself, as I sure hope things have changed a bit since those days. The lesbian sub-culture remains underground and keeps to itself for all sorts of reasons, so it's quite hard to figure out how to write it.

patientlee has written a very good story here, although I do comment on some parts which I think could be improved.

 

[JackLuis]

Maybe you would like to review JackLuis's story, Gorza? I will give it a look myself as well, Jack, especially because I know a bit about your writing after editing the Librarian story (still hope you will finish that one), and Flash.

Thanks curl.

Oh Wow! Yes, even if you hate it, Gorza, a constructive criticism from the female and British perspective would be brilliant! Although it was edited by a third party I'm sure you can find things that could be improved in "Sexual Therapy" which is a light hearted story. I don't think that Lit is the ideal place for it, score wise, as it is a bit more complex than the "Pizza Delivery Boy's Sausage".

I have almost figured out how to end the Librarian story. "A Damp Romance" still is eluding me as I kind of lost the writing mood while trying to edit the 200K word Spreading Seeds Sagas. God! editing is so tedious when the writing was so poor to begin with. Fortunately SSS 1-7 is doing quite well now that it is posted, and my enthusiasm is returning though the last Saga is oddly not scoring as well as the first six. Novels are like that on Lit.

I need to get serious about a cover for "Flash" so I can put it on Smashwords. LC said he had a cover guy, I may look into that. Naoko, you said that Flash needed a few further touches? I'd like to get it up )) and put it on SW.

My Mesopotamian Mess is still unplotted, I should have just dove into the writing and let the undergarments fall where them may, but NO! I had to plot it out and do the Campbellian Hero's Saga which has had me stalled for four years! I had the first seven chapters written and HP said he would like to read the whole thing, if I ever finish it.

I'm off to your blog now.
Ta Ta!
JL

 

[JackLuis]

Nice review and I loved the story. It made me cry a bit.

 

[curl4ever]

Review here of patientlee's story Mobile Home for the Holidays.

In the review, I talk about the difficulties of writing lesbian stories, unless you are yourself 'in the life'. For about ten years when I was younger, I was part of the black lesbian scene in London. Even so, I'm not sure I could write a true to life modern lesbian story myself, as I sure hope things have changed a bit since those days. The lesbian sub-culture remains underground and keeps to itself for all sorts of reasons, so it's quite hard to figure out how to write it.

patientlee has written a very good story here, although I do comment on some parts which I think could be improved.

I enjoyed your thoughtful review. Thanks for the pointer to an excellent and very moving story.

 

[Gorza]

Oh Wow! Yes, even if you hate it, Gorza, a constructive criticism from the female and British perspective would be brilliant! Although it was edited by a third party I'm sure you can find things that could be improved in "Sexual Therapy" which is a light hearted story. I don't think that Lit is the ideal place for it, score wise, as it is a bit more complex than the "Pizza Delivery Boy's Sausage".

I could wear a dress as I read it if that helps.

My Mesopotamian Mess is still unplotted, I should have just dove into the writing and let the undergarments fall where them may, but NO! I had to plot it out and do the Campbellian Hero's Saga which has had me stalled for four years! I had the first seven chapters written and HP said he would like to read the whole thing, if I ever finish it.

Surely there are plenty of plot spinoffs from Gilgamesh that are pretty sexy.

 

[JackLuis]

I could wear a dress as I read it if that helps.

Surely there are plenty of plot spinoffs from Gilgamesh that are pretty sexy.

A lacy bra and low cut panties will be enough.

I set the time as bit before Gilgamesh, late Sragonic period. Ishtar/Innana and Dimmuzi will show up and Litu and Lilitu are the main players. It is set in the Harem of Heaven and will have some very powerful female characters. Naoko complains about my bunnies but she likes to watch the intercourse of my characters, I think.

 

[Gorza]

A lacy bra and low cut panties will be enough.

Whatever floats your banana!

I set the time as bit before Gilgamesh, late Sragonic period. Ishtar/Innana and Dimmuzi will show up and Litu and Lilitu are the main players. It is set in the Harem of Heaven and will have some very powerful female characters. Naoko complains about my bunnies but she likes to watch the intercourse of my characters, I think.

OK. The early Akkadian Empire is an interesting period. You probably want to use classical Sumerian terms for most things, with Akkadian as the poor relation of the new elite. Particularly, religious stuff should be in Sumerian. You can create some flavour by having priestesses speak the women's tongue Emesal, rather than the standard Emengir. That means also that the name Inana would be more fitting than the later Ishtar. The setting of the Eanna temple sounds like fun though.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Thanks for the compliments guys! I did work quite hard on these two reviews, so it's good to hear you enjoyed both the critical writing and being directed to these stories.

JackLuis, I will do the light edit of Flash it needs - that's next on my list.

And um ... I am wearing the panties on this page of the thread, as I believe none of you guys are into drag (Red spotted ones today - in honour of Christmas Eve.)

Happy Holidays all! I will be posting over on AH tomorrow, as it will be just me and Piglet and she is going to put on headphones and be on her iPad most of the day by the sound of things.

 

[NaokoSmith]

At last! my review of a story by JKendallDane called A Cat Named Cupid. It's a GM story with pussy in it! LOL.

I'm going to review it on here, as Lien_Geller suggested that might be better, now that I have my own thread, although I still hope to pop my head into his thread now and then. Also because it is unsafe sex , so I can't give it the love on my blog.

To start with then, it would have been great if there had been just a hint of condom in the story. Generally the sex is well-written and hot, however a condom can add a touch of realism plus atmosphere. You don't have to go into every detail about putting the condom on, you could say something like 'the rustle of the packet as he tore it open with his teeth' and that will just ensure readers know these two gay men, who have only just met, and shared a bit of relationship history in which they reveal they each had quite a bit of casual nooky, were sufficiently mindful of themselves and each other to use protection.

(Tearing a condom packet open with your teeth is a little risky, it's true, as you may tear the condom too , but way less risky than not using one.)

Commentators love the pussy in the story , who is of course the Maine Coon called Cupid/Ralph and not a stray woman fobbed off with being a fag hag. The basic premise is really fun - Steven's cat 'Cupid' goes round the building blagging snacks off all the neighbours, and he realises that the new guy on the block is also gay (yes, I will be commenting on just how smart the cat is in a moment). He decides to bring the two guys together.

Generally the story is well-written and trucks along nicely, however there are several parts which could do with editorial tidying up.

The start of the story is slow and mainly consists of Cupid/(the new guy Andy calls him 'Ralph') getting to know Andy, plus considerable back story telling. The part I really like is when Steven and Andy meet up and start switching on the Gaydar and scoping each other out. There are some good moments when they think of something they would like to say, and then say something polite and non-comittal instead. This dialogue/mental wish-ful dialogue is the kind of mental conversation all people, not just gay men, have; full of personal doubts and anxieties, so it has good universal appeal.

Steve's back story is told at length and is inconsistent, though. There isn't sufficient reason provided as to why his ex managed to get him to commit to a long term relationship before breaking his heart; Ezra telling Steve he surely doesn't want to grow old alone is a bit of a downer. Personally I would cut describing the Ezra/Steve relationship. Leave it that Cupid notices one staff member /human has left and needs to be replaced. Describe Steve briefly as being a bit down and thinking he is going to grow old alone.

Switching between Points of View works well, and doesn't need the extra asterisks. JKD signals this smoothly enough by saying whose viewpoint we are in early in the section every time.

Cupid is too anthropomorphic. One of the pieces of writing I enjoyed in my favourite Terry Pratchett novel: Men At Arms is where he describes the world from the PoV of the werewolf Angua as smells so intense they are like colours. The dogginess of the world view is such fun. I would like Cupid to be focussed on getting in out of the cold, and picking up snacks in a catty way while we, the reader, realise he is going to play Cupid for the two guys, rather than the cat consciously deciding to do it. Plus, I would like it explained at some point, how a Maine Coon ended up being called Cupid.
*spoiler alert* I really want the scene when Andy looks up and sees Cupid on the bedhead smugly watching just before squirting him in the face with cum to stay!


A good story, just in need of tightening the screws to make it a fine romance.

 

[JKendallDane]

At last! my review of a story by JKendallDane called A Cat Named Cupid. It's a GM story with pussy in it! LOL.

<snip>

A good story, just in need of tightening the screws to make it a fine romance.

Thanks for the review, kudos, and the hand spanks too, Naoko. My only defense for some of the occasional editorial sloppiness and wandering about is 80% of that story was written from scratch in twelve hours on the final submital day of the VD contest this past spring. I think it went in to Laurel with 15 minutes to spare, so I'm lucky it wasn't a gigantic grammatical mess.

I see your points on the backstories and if I had it to do over again, I most likely would put even more snark in Cupid's "voice." The idea of Andy getting a facefull is pure brilliance. Wish my brain had been working that well back in February!

Thanks for your kind words.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Thanks for the review, kudos, and the hand spanks too, Naoko. My only defense for some of the occasional editorial sloppiness and wandering about is 80% of that story was written from scratch in twelve hours on the final submital day of the VD contest this past spring.

Given that, I am even more impressed.

I would tidy it up, and look to build on the universal appeal moments. There are many little places - like when Steve sees the signs by the road saying 'Go with Andy!', which are actually about a local politician - which would ring a bell for most readers. We can all become hilariously superstitious when we are wondering if someone we have just met might be The One.

 

[JKendallDane]

Given that, I am even more impressed.

I would tidy it up, and look to build on the universal appeal moments. There are many little places - like when Steve sees the signs by the road saying 'Go with Andy!', which are actually about a local politician - which would ring a bell for most readers. We can all become hilariously superstitious when we are wondering if someone we have just met might be The One.

The campaign sign part of the story was a piece of totally unplanned irony. That or the Muse messing with my subconscious and laughing her ass off.

I had based the story in my old hometown in Ohio, openly identified it, and used numerous actual locations and businesses in the plot. The names of Steve and Andy were completely random picks. I was at least two or three sentences beyond the campaign sign scene when it hit me that the name of the state representative for the area actually was "Andy" also! Plus he is a total, uber-conservative, homophobic tea partier and I had just inserted him into a piece of internet smut! It wasn't planned at all...it just happened.

Now this is a small town where gossip and rumors run rampant constantly. According to a lifelong friend who still lives there and had read the story, for about a week after the story hit the Lit contest, there were whispered conversations all over town where the number one question was: "Who the hell is J. Kendall Dane?"

When she got asked if she had any clue, she just grinned and said, "Well, I'm 'old lady Abicht' in the story, so what do you think? And just HOW do you know about this story anyway? It's a gay romance on a big internet erotica site. Someplace you visit often to read gay stories?"

Hearing that I had given the old church biddies and the retired guys that hang out at McDonalds drinking coffee every morning something to talk about was probably the best feedback I could have gotten.