New, confused and alone.

[LunaticLorraine]

Well thanks for the 'advice' BLoved.
I didn't read it all because someone I was very close to actually died of cancer not long ago.
It just brough back painful memories, so I'd rather not.

 

[BLoved]

Well thanks for the 'advice' BLoved.
I didn't read it all because someone I was very close to actually died of cancer not long ago.
It just brough back painful memories, so I'd rather not.

I understand.

It is almost four years since I lost my wife and I was only able to write about the experience last year.

I wish you well.

 

[LunaticLorraine]

Well my Nan, who I was closer to than anyone, even my mother, died very suddenly of Cancer in August. And when I say suddenly I mean suddenly. On the Monday she went into hospital for tests, on the tuesday we found out she had Cancer, on the Wednesday she died.
I'm guessing you knew you were going to lose your wife? Had a chance to say goodbye?
I didn't.
Sorry.. going off topic a bit.

 

[BLoved]

Well my Nan, who I was closer to than anyone, even my mother, died very suddenly of Cancer in August. And when I say suddenly I mean suddenly. On the Monday she went into hospital for tests, on the tuesday we found out she had Cancer, on the Wednesday she died.
I'm guessing you knew you were going to lose your wife? Had a chance to say goodbye?
I didn't.
Sorry.. going off topic a bit.

Actually, I didn't say goodbye, as we had every reason to believe she'd survive the operation.

We were fighting cancer, and we were going to beat it.

I also didn't have a chance to say goodbye to my son, who choked on food.

Nor did I say goodbye to my father, who went to work one day and was involved in an accident from which he eventually died suddenly one night.

Nor did I say goodbye to my grandfather, who died in the room next to mine dictating his will to my mother. I still recall his voice.

You are not the only one to face sudden death, and you have my sympathy for your loss.

 

[LunaticLorraine]

Sorry mate.
I didn't mean to offend you or anything.
I was simply saying.

Can we get off the topic of death please?

I was just thinking, and even though I kinda knew already, I kinda.. re-realized how long this had been a part of me. How long it's been waiting to like... pounce on me. lol.
I guess its just who I am, right?

 

[BLoved]

Sorry mate.
I didn't mean to offend you or anything.

~smile~

No offense taken.

I was just thinking, and even though I kinda knew already, I kinda.. re-realized how long this had been a part of me. How long it's been waiting to like... pounce on me. lol.
I guess its just who I am, right?

I don't think any of us are born to bdsm.

BDSM is a natural expression of my personality: who I've become and who I want to be. It was the next logical step in my growth as a person.

 

[LunaticLorraine]

I dont mean bdsm.
Its just like in my whole personality, not inclusing from sexual aspects, I prefer being told what to do. Ive always liked making people happy. Ive always concentrated more on others than myself.
Its hard to explain what I mean.

 

[Kikori]

Pathetic title? A little lacking in confidence, but that's not a problem as long as you're not a troll.

I don't think there's a "normal" for a submissive. It happens just as often that people who are in command of their jobs and daily routines will be an absolute pushover in bed, for various reasons, as it is for people to be absolutely submissive in general. The lack of wanting to control, the desire to please... the semantics of it shouldn't matter as long as you know you're one to obey, please, and actually go through with it instead of let it become an empty title.

A lot of the doubts I see aren't something that would be a problem as long as they're made known. To quote everyone's favorite Dreamworks Donkey, "What's the point of being able to talk when you gotta keep secrets?"
If there's something important you think anyone should know, share it. The worst they can do is respond in a derogative way; to that, laugh at them. If they want to spend their time trying to upset you over something, it's their own problem of having nothing better to do. It also alerts you to someone's true colors.
Not just with admitting to doubts to address, ideas to try, and problems to share, but even just opening up to those you have an interest in or fondness for would help tremendously. Not everyone will react the same if you tell them you're interested in them enough to escalate the relationship, but in all truthfulness, it can't be anything short of a compliment to be loved by a friend enough to take the friendship to a loving level. If you have any friends who you actually like enough to want to get there with, letting them know shouldn't be bad as long as you're prepared for a "no".

As for having trouble explaining that you find yourself more interested in the smiles of others as opposed to your own, three options here. :3 Just put out whatever words come into your head and try to get them in order, give examples (especially focusing on the whys) of what you're referring to, or wait for someone to give an example that pretty much meshes with what you're having trouble describing.

Long post aside. Welcome to the forum. Another lunatic joins the ranks.

 

[LunaticLorraine]

Hey thanks for replying
Lol, I lack in confidence a lot tbh, but Im working on it.
I would actually go through with it, sometimes with me I find myself wanting it so much that it's actually emotionally painful. Hope that doesnt sound weird, or melodramatic.
And that's usually why I dont tell people things, Im scared they'll laugh at me, or tell me I'm being silly, or even worse, not believe me.
Thanks for the advice btw
And I truely am a bit of a Lunatic, as my name sujests
I am very weird once you get to know me properly.

 

[RuReal]

Ok one suggestion for those interested in knowing where to start. There is a site called fetlife google it look it up. Great site if you are looking to learn and link up with your local BDSM groups.

 

[Kikori]

You keep making yourself out to be weird, but shy is all we've seen so far.

If you keep claiming to be weirder than some of the randomness that goes on here, I'm gonna demand to see some proof. X3

 

[subwannabe]

Man, I don't have the time to read through 3 pages but I am going to put my two cents in. First, you are 18 years old. A lot of 18 year olds (and other ages too) are confused. You've got to realize this is normal. I really think you need to get some counseling from a professional, if possible. Part of the problem seems to be you have some guilt about being a lesbian and that is the root of a lot of your confusion. Maybe society has taught you that being gay is wrong and you are battling with yourself as to who you really are. This can extend into the bdsm realm as well. Maybe you have guilt feelings that being submissive is wrong and not normal too. I think this battle is going on in your head as to your true identity. There are many lesbians out there and there are even more submissives out there. It isn't really wrong to feel that way and it is not really abnormal either.

I'm also going to say that maybe life has taken you down these roads which are not really your roads. Maybe deep down inside you don't believe you are a lesbian or submissive either and this may even be the root of your confusion. That is why I suggested talking to a professional who can help you better understand your true self. Just remember that many aspects of a person's life change after time, like your diet, for example. When you were younger maybe you hated certain foods and now you don't. That doesn't mean that those foods were right or wrong for you before or now, just that you have changed. Just because you choose to label yourself something doesn't mean that you have to continue living like that for the rest of your life, unless that is what you choose to do. Hope this made some sense anyway.

 

[LunaticLorraine]

I said that when you get to know me that I'm weird. And it's true. Some people would probably just call me different, but the word weird is much more interesting lol.
And ahh.. as Ive said before I don't want to go into some personal stuff but I do actually see a psychiatrist and a counseller. And I dont have a problem with my sexuality. I'm a lesbian and if people don't like it they don't have to talk to me. It's the submissive stuff I have a problem with. Ive tried to convince myself that I'm not the only one like this, but theres always them nagging thoughts at the back of my mind that tells me that I'm sick.

 

[graceanne]

If you keep claiming to be weirder than some of the randomness that goes on here, I'm gonna demand to see some proof. X3

Yeah! What she said! *get out popcorn*

I gotta agree - I haven't seen you be that weird, yet.

 

[Kikori]

BDSM forum. Kinky things, bondage, domination, sadism, masochism. Pets, slaves, owners, masters and mistresses.

Believe me. The longer you spend here, the less you'll feel like you're weird or sick for being submissive.

 

[BLoved]

I dont mean bdsm.
Its just like in my whole personality, not inclusing from sexual aspects, I prefer being told what to do. Ive always liked making people happy. Ive always concentrated more on others than myself.
Its hard to explain what I mean.

~smile~

Not to those familiar with women who have submissive personalities.

All of my beloveds were selfless, placing others before themselves. One of my most important responsibilities in their lives was to ensure their needs were met.

'Domliness' is no excuse for being selfish or thoughtless.

 

[LunaticLorraine]

Damn! People are demanding my weirdness??? It really does depend on what mood I'm in, but I can say things I've done in the past...
I once ran at a wall repeatedly because it was fun? I didn't actually run into it.. I'd put my foot on the wall and like.. launch myself backwards. It was very fun.
I like iceskating but I think the bes part is falling over?
I can touch my nose with my tongue? Really I can If I take out my tongue-bar I can very nearly touch the very tip of my nose.
I like doing my make-up very crazy like. Bright colours, and sometimes it covered half my face.
I have an addiction to books, and am obsessed with Vampires right now?
When I go hyper I can be really weird. I have mood swings sometimes which include going mental. I'll have tonnes of energy for no reason and will literally be bouncing off walls.
Sometimes I act very mature for my age, other times I act younger.
Have I proved my weirdness?

And yeah, I dont want to feel like I'm sick for liking what I like. But I guess it's just cause these are things people tend not to openly accept.

 

[BLoved]

When I go hyper I can be really weird. I have mood swings sometimes which include going mental. I'll have tonnes of energy for no reason and will literally be bouncing off walls.

With no disrespect intended, have you considered the possibility you have bipolar disorder?

 

[LunaticLorraine]

Lol, believe it or not that had crossed my mind more than once.
I have quite a few symptoms of Bipolar. And a friend who is Bipolar who agrees.
But my counseller and psychiatrist disagree.
Oh wells

 

[Kikori]

Aside from the wall play, possible bipolarity, and the fact that everything ended in a question mark, you're not weird.

 

[LunaticLorraine]

Lol, well I consider myself weird, and have been called weird by many different people.
Its much more noticable when you meet me in person. Online it's not so obvious.

 

[Kikori]

Then why worry about potential weird-ness? Or do we seem like normal people to you? ^_^

 

[LunaticLorraine]

I dont worry about my weirdness lol.
And no, you guys don't seem normal, but then normals very very boring in my opinion.
xD

 

[DVS]

I dont worry about my weirdness lol.
And no, you guys don't seem normal, but then normals very very boring in my opinion.
xD

Trust me, some of us are VERY, VERY weird. You should fit right in.

 

[LunaticLorraine]

Good to know