New to BDSM, any suggestions?!

[PeachandCream83]

Here's the biggest hang on for me......

I want the D/s relationship with my hubby. I want the trust that comes with it, the full understanding of me giving my whole to him with trust and in return he trusts me to give him what he wants. That is the biggest hook for me. The D/s relationship is really built on a deep level of trust. I need that more then anything.

 

[CutieMouse]

Here's the biggest hang on for me......

I want the D/s relationship with my hubby. I want the trust that comes with it, the full understanding of me giving my whole to him with trust and in return he trusts me to give him what he wants. That is the biggest hook for me. The D/s relationship is really built on a deep level of trust. I need that more then anything.

And that mystical magical "deep level of trust" is no better, stronger, deeper, special-er in a BDSM rationship than a conventional one. The idea that BDSM relationships are somehow "more" is little more than erotica/porn fueled urban legend. (personal opinion)

 

[PeachandCream83]

And that mystical magical "deep level of trust" is no better, stronger, deeper, special-er in a BDSM rationship than a conventional one. The idea that BDSM relationships are somehow "more" is little more than erotica/porn fueled urban legend. (personal opinion)

Well, that may be true to your point. But I see it differently. When I am bending to his will, I have to trust him not to hurt me too much (in a since of violence). The different positions and actions taken, the reason for a safe word. All of that comes down to trust. In conventional sex there is nothing tying me down or anything being attached to my body (especially in sensitive places). There are many other examples, but you get where I'm going with this.

Point is I want that, all of it, in stages if necessary for his comfort. But that is how I view it. And that is what I feel. I catch my self daydreaming about it and when we do have sex I catch myself detaching myself from him. That can not be healthy. Judge me how you want but I came here for advice, not condemnation.

It's obvious I'm new to this world and without a true partner to fulfill my needs. I may be sick, who knows, but this is what I'm feeling.

 

[CutieMouse]

There was no condemnation in my post.

The reality is that it takes just as much trust (if not more) to be in a healthy marriage, sign mortgage papers, make long term career and family decisions, have kids, etc as it does to incorporate a bit of kink in the bedroom/have a BDSM relationship.

Order in pizza, open a bottle of wine and talk. Go over a BDSM checklist as a flirtatious game. Take turns telling your fantasies. Figure out if you both "define" BDSM the same way (in terms of roles, activities, etc). If you've been with the man for 6 years and you really don't know or trust him enough really talk about your sex life, you need to solidify the relationship's foundation before worrying about the big stuff [D/s].

The book When Someone You Love Is Kinky can be easily found via Amazon.com; it might be a good conversational aid.

Well, that may be true to your point. But I see it differently. When I am bending to his will, I have to trust him not to hurt me too much (in a since of violence). The different positions and actions taken, the reason for a safe word. All of that comes down to trust. In conventional sex there is nothing tying me down or anything being attached to my body (especially in sensitive places). There are many other examples, but you get where I'm going with this.

Point is I want that, all of it, in stages if necessary for his comfort. But that is how I view it. And that is what I feel. I catch my self daydreaming about it and when we do have sex I catch myself detaching myself from him. That can not be healthy. Judge me how you want but I came here for advice, not condemnation.

It's obvious I'm new to this world and without a true partner to fulfill my needs. I may be sick, who knows, but this is what I'm feeling.

 

[PeachandCream83]

Sorry I was a little testy yesturday

There was no condemnation in my post.

The reality is that it takes just as much trust (if not more) to be in a healthy marriage, sign mortgage papers, make long term career and family decisions, have kids, etc as it does to incorporate a bit of kink in the bedroom/have a BDSM relationship.

Order in pizza, open a bottle of wine and talk. Go over a BDSM checklist as a flirtatious game. Take turns telling your fantasies. Figure out if you both "define" BDSM the same way (in terms of roles, activities, etc). If you've been with the man for 6 years and you really don't know or trust him enough really talk about your sex life, you need to solidify the relationship's foundation before worrying about the big stuff [D/s].

The book When Someone You Love Is Kinky can be easily found via Amazon.com; it might be a good conversational aid.

The advice is good and I'm sorry for getting testy. I'm still a little protective of my thoughts. Like I said in the beginning of this thread, I'm new to all this and at the same time, my hubby isn't really into it.

But we did talk a little last night and he said we can talk more about it later. I think he needs to really soak it in first. I told him we can take it slow and experiment with different ideas to see what he might like. But again he said he needs to think on it.

Well, I'll keep updating. And I hope I'll continue to receive constructive criticism from everyone. Thanks again for your advice.

 

[ineedpain2getthere]

Here To Help

Well Friend This One I Can Answer. I Think? First, Talk To Him Let Him Know What You Want. If I Was You I Would Try Not To Push. Remember To Respect One An Other! I Started With My Partner With A Simple Safe Word. A Word She Or He Can Use That Mean "stop" It Seem To Make Her Feel Safer! I Would Also Go Slow For Example Hold His Hand So He Cant Use Them As You Please Him With An Oral Treat. My Last Piece Of Information Have Fun. I.m Me If I Can Help You Again. Thanks Pain

 

[eastern sun]

When I first opened myself up to these desires, I wanted someone else to push me past my hesitation and fear. Take me by force and make me feel all those things I knew I wanted to feel. I had vivid fantasies I wanted to experience. I could feel the rhythms and the stillness and the surprise and the passion - and, boy, could I make myself cum.

But my husband has never, not once, ever, come close to playing out any of my fantasies. At first, this was kind of frustrating for me, because he thought he was doing "something I wanted," but because it was always filtered through his own desires, it never really reflected my wishes, my rhythms, my ideas. Even if I showed him pictures, or wrote stories about what I liked, it still translated into something else when it came back to me through him.

And it was incredibly frustrating for him. Because I was "supposed" to be submitting and he could tell that I was critically engaged with every move he made.

We both came to the marriage with a predilection for kinky sex. We knew we liked a lot of "dirt." But he didn't really like some of the feelings that early attempts at outright domination brought out in him. His anger was easily triggered, and he didn't always feel in control of himself. (Especially because I was so frustrating.)

It only worked out for us by letting things evolve over time - and I mean, years. In my case, I had to focus on my desire for submission, and then follow his lead . . . putting aside all the ideas of how I thought it should be. We ended up places I would never have chosen for myself.

But we have found a place where his desires merge with mine, and it works.

I agree that taking this journey with your husband can allow you to swim in deep waters, but you have to exercise patience and generosity, allowing time for him to get to know your desires and find his own comfort level.

 

[PeachandCream83]

When I first opened myself up to these desires, I wanted someone else to push me past my hesitation and fear. Take me by force and make me feel all those things I knew I wanted to feel. I had vivid fantasies I wanted to experience. I could feel the rhythms and the stillness and the surprise and the passion - and, boy, could I make myself cum.

But my husband has never, not once, ever, come close to playing out any of my fantasies. At first, this was kind of frustrating for me, because he thought he was doing "something I wanted," but because it was always filtered through his own desires, it never really reflected my wishes, my rhythms, my ideas. Even if I showed him pictures, or wrote stories about what I liked, it still translated into something else when it came back to me through him.

And it was incredibly frustrating for him. Because I was "supposed" to be submitting and he could tell that I was critically engaged with every move he made.

We both came to the marriage with a predilection for kinky sex. We knew we liked a lot of "dirt." But he didn't really like some of the feelings that early attempts at outright domination brought out in him. His anger was easily triggered, and he didn't always feel in control of himself. (Especially because I was so frustrating.)

It only worked out for us by letting things evolve over time - and I mean, years. In my case, I had to focus on my desire for submission, and then follow his lead . . . putting aside all the ideas of how I thought it should be. We ended up places I would never have chosen for myself.

But we have found a place where his desires merge with mine, and it works.

I agree that taking this journey with your husband can allow you to swim in deep waters, but you have to exercise patience and generosity, allowing time for him to get to know your desires and find his own comfort level.

Now this......this was the best advice I've read so far. Everyone else’s advice is good, but this was really what I needed. It's almost as if your there with me in my thoughts. It's like you really get what I'm trying to say.

Thank you.

Now I have a good idea where to really start.

As I said earlier, we had a talk and he said he is willing to give it a try, "in short dosages". This morning he surprised me with a little dominance. In Brief Description:

I had just stepped out of the shower and had not even completely dried off before HE walked in on me with a very stern look on his face. I wondered what he was up set about. He asked why I hadn’t put the clothes in the dryer last night, and I started to tell him I forgot about them yesterday and had planned to put them in the dryer this morning. Well, HE then told me he was not happy with that mistake and told me to get on my knees in front of him. Of course I did this with out complaint. I couldn’t believe he was acting this scene out. But it made me intently wet, beyond the humidity in the bathroom. I went to grab his limp cock and he said, “NO hands, I want you to suck me hard with only your mouth.” I’m serious, this made me soo wet and those were is real words! So I obliged and it was slow going in because he’s pretty big even soft and with no hands I had to find way to turn my face and head to get it in my mouth. It finally got hard in my mouth and I started to take the head of his member to the back of my throat and could hear his breathing change. I had know idea where his hands where until he put both his hands in my wet hair and started to push further in my throat until I gagged on him. This had me so wet that I started to reach down and play with myself, he told my no that I wasn’t allowed to touch either of us yet. He continued to fuck my face for a little bit longer until finally he pulled out and told me to turn around and face the mirror and put my hands on the sink. It was amazing to have him tell me what to do and it alone kept me sopping wet. He bent behind me and started to like my honey pot all the way to my second hole. After a few minutes of that he stood and told me at no point to take my hands from the sink. He pushed me forward to lean over the sink a bit and started to enter my ass, not my twat! Oh God, it hurt soo good! I wanted to reach down and play with myself but I didn’t want him to stop and get on to me, so I kept my hands put and it got really loud in the bathroom really quick. Finally he reached around the front of my thighs and spread my legs more lifting me off the floor. I had to brace my hands on the sink to keep from falling forward as he pounded into me from the back. I started to feel him get bigger in my ass and I thought he was going to blow before me, but he started to slow down and eased me back toward the floor and put is hand right on my clit and started to rub it hard. I finally peeked and he followed. Damn I was spent. It was amazing and he told me after that he told me if I forgot the laundry again he would spank me until my ass was on fire. He really surprised me and even though it didn’t include ropes and paddles yet I know he’s on the right track. I went to class today in an excellant mood!

FYI: I left the wash in all day ;-P

 

[FizzledSub]

Well, that may be true to your point. But I see it differently. When I am bending to his will, I have to trust him not to hurt me too much (in a since of violence). The different positions and actions taken, the reason for a safe word. All of that comes down to trust. In conventional sex there is nothing tying me down or anything being attached to my body (especially in sensitive places). There are many other examples, but you get where I'm going with this.

Point is I want that, all of it, in stages if necessary for his comfort. But that is how I view it. And that is what I feel. I catch my self daydreaming about it and when we do have sex I catch myself detaching myself from him. That can not be healthy. Judge me how you want but I came here for advice, not condemnation.

It's obvious I'm new to this world and without a true partner to fulfill my needs. I may be sick, who knows, but this is what I'm feeling.

Just wanted to say I understand and I'm not condemning you at all....I'm in the same position with my husband and I've been searching for a way to have all the same things you say you want in yours.

What some of us tend to forget is the emotional connection we can have with our partner, I think that's just as important as the actual sex. For me I feel like my feelings/needs/desires are disregarded because of his lack of interest. Basically I'm just telling you.....YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING!!

 

[PeachandCream83]

Just wanted to say I understand and I'm not condemning you at all....I'm in the same position with my husband and I've been searching for a way to have all the same things you say you want in yours.

What some of us tend to forget is the emotional connection we can have with our partner, I think that's just as important as the actual sex. For me I feel like my feelings/needs/desires are disregarded because of his lack of interest. Basically I'm just telling you.....YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING!!

Thanks for your understanding. I hope that some of the advice given on here can help you too. When our needs are neglected we tend to distance ourselves from our partners. Women use their brains more during sex then men and if we're not connected on some level, it just doesn't work for us.

 

[SimonBrooke]

Ok, I am complete vergin when it comes to BDSM, but I have been reading about it alot. It totally turns me on. I'm trying to get my hubby to play along, but he doesn't seem to be into it.

I have a close friend who is married to a guy like this. After twenty years of marriage, she's decided that she just has to live the rest of her life frustrated and not fully fulfilled; and she's decided that her marriage is on the whole good enough to make that a reasonable compromise for her.

Don't assume that your partner even can change to meet your sexual needs. He may be able to, in which case, great. Or he may not. And if you can't, you either have to live with him as he is, or have a BDSM affair on the side (which surprisingly many people seem to manage to do without fatally damaging their vanilla relationship), or leave him and find someone else.

It isn't kind to try to force your partner into a role which does not fit them.

 

[PeachandCream83]

I have a close friend who is married to a guy like this. After twenty years of marriage, she's decided that she just has to live the rest of her life frustrated and not fully fulfilled; and she's decided that her marriage is on the whole good enough to make that a reasonable compromise for her.

Don't assume that your partner even can change to meet your sexual needs. He may be able to, in which case, great. Or he may not. And if you can't, you either have to live with him as he is, or have a BDSM affair on the side (which surprisingly many people seem to manage to do without fatally damaging their vanilla relationship), or leave him and find someone else.

It isn't kind to try to force your partner into a role which does not fit them.

Oh don't worry I'm not Forcing him to do anything. It is strictly up to him, I just tell him what I want from the bedroom and he can decide what he wants to do. But since I have let lying dog lay, he seems to be coming around on his own. We had another little talk last night after some bed play and he asked what part of the play I liked and what I would have liked him to do next time. So I think he is enjoying it too. Of course it’s in small doses for him and I wouldn’t be upset if he pulls a complete 180 on me and becomes a complete Dome!

 

[BertrandRussell]

To Peaches, JtohisPB, and others: Sorry that you aren't getting what you want. Maybe it would help to have a view from the other side.

I'm male, and big ( 6'6", proportionate ).

My lovely wife is moderately into BDSM. We have played with light bondage. She has also indicated that she would like to be spanked. I have declined. One time she actually handed me a belt. I tossed it in the corner.

Flashback several decades:
Like most siblings, my older sister and I had some childhood fights when I was around 5 to 7 and she about two years older. Physically they were of little consequence. When I was about 8 - when boys start getting a little more muscle - I suddenly started winning them all.
My father then decided that it was time that it should stop. He took me aside and explained that it was too likely that I would hurt my sister, and he decreed that it must stop. I responded with an indignant list of all of the horrible things that she had done. ( I cannot remember what any of them were, and they were probably trivial, but then they were a big deal. ) He said that the next time that I had such a claim, I should come talk to him instead, and he would settle the matter peacefully. I did, and he did. ( I'm rather proud of my father for doing that, BTW )
We never had any more fights.

Flash forward to about ten years ago:
A drunk guy was hassling passersby on the sidewalk near where I work, pestering some for money, others for sex. He was very agressive, actually grabbing people as they walked by. We called the police, of course. They were busy with more important issues.
After about half an hour of this, I finally walked over and told him to stop. He agreed. I turned away to walk back, and he hit me from behind. I turned around and he was swinging at me again. I decked him. It was just reflex - I didn't wind up - I didn't even try very hard. I used an open palm, not a closed fist.
He slammed into the building at the edge of the sidewalk. One of his shoes came off. He dropped and sat against the wall, glassy-eyed.
The cops showed up soon after and arrested him for public intoxication; he told them that he did not need medical help. But I heard from them later that he was too drunk to realize that he had a broken jaw.

Back to now:
I'm near the extreme end for size, but a lot of guys probably have similar or slightly lesser experiences. We learn early that we can't use force. As we reach dating age, we learn that women like to be treated gently. If we find ourselves in situations where force really is required, we learn that it can get out of hand so easily if we are not careful.
After a few decades of this, we have very deep conditioning that says You don't use force or violence with the people that you love. You must be careful using force in situations where it is justified or even required.

Then the wife says "Uh, honey, will you spank me?" We are not going to change suddenly, shrug off decades of habit, and say, "Sure, dear. Drop your pants and bend over."

We are truly conflicted here. If we pause, and scowl, we're not thinking that our wife has become an irredeemable pervert. We simply have a decades-old prohibition against violence bumping into a decades-old desire to please our woman.

I really have no solutions here. But maybe it helps to describe the problem from this side of the fence.

 

[Kikori]

To Peaches, JtohisPB, and others: Sorry that you aren't getting what you want. Maybe it would help to have a view from the other side.

I'm male, and big ( 6'6", proportionate ).

My lovely wife is moderately into BDSM. We have played with light bondage. She has also indicated that she would like to be spanked. I have declined. One time she actually handed me a belt. I tossed it in the corner.

<Flashbacks omitted>

I'm near the extreme end for size, but a lot of guys probably have similar or slightly lesser experiences. We learn early that we can't use force. As we reach dating age, we learn that women like to be treated gently. If we find ourselves in situations where force really is required, we learn that it can get out of hand so easily if we are not careful.
After a few decades of this, we have very deep conditioning that says You don't use force or violence with the people that you love. You must be careful using force in situations where it is justified or even required.

Then the wife says "Uh, honey, will you spank me?" We are not going to change suddenly, shrug off decades of habit, and say, "Sure, dear. Drop your pants and bend over."

We are truly conflicted here. If we pause, and scowl, we're not thinking that our wife has become an irredeemable pervert. We simply have a decades-old prohibition against violence bumping into a decades-old desire to please our woman.

I really have no solutions here. But maybe it helps to describe the problem from this side of the fence.

I'm in a very similar boat. I learned incredibly quick that I shouldn't resort to violence except in self defense, and even then, try to do as little harm as possible. Doing any intentional harm to a woman is also pretty much beyond my capability. I'd have to be threatened with a knife or a gun before I could strike a lady.

So how does it come across to me when I learn that she winds up enjoying her hair pulled, her neck bitten, her butt smacked? Fortunately for me, the relationship involved with me isn't marriage, so the expectancy on her part for me to go through with it all wasn't as great. However. My nature is still to do whatever I can to make her smile at the moment, and I want to, while I can't. That becomes a tremendous conflict of "Am I disappointing her?" vs "Will I feel as guilty now as I did then?"

The only solutions I can find at that point are for me to change my morals in some way, or for her to change interests. The only thing I could was convince myself that what I was doing was bringing pleasure instead of causing pain as I tried. I may be comfortable to doing these kinds of things to some extent now, but again, it's "to some extent". Most definitely not how much she would want, and being able to convince myself that I'm doing one thing instead of another isn't something everyone can comfortably do.

 

[PeachandCream83]

To Peaches, JtohisPB, and others: Sorry that you aren't getting what you want. Maybe it would help to have a view from the other side.

I'm male, and big ( 6'6", proportionate ).

My lovely wife is moderately into BDSM. We have played with light bondage. She has also indicated that she would like to be spanked. I have declined. One time she actually handed me a belt. I tossed it in the corner.

Flashback several decades:
Like most siblings, my older sister and I had some childhood fights when I was around 5 to 7 and she about two years older. Physically they were of little consequence. When I was about 8 - when boys start getting a little more muscle - I suddenly started winning them all.
My father then decided that it was time that it should stop. He took me aside and explained that it was too likely that I would hurt my sister, and he decreed that it must stop. I responded with an indignant list of all of the horrible things that she had done. ( I cannot remember what any of them were, and they were probably trivial, but then they were a big deal. ) He said that the next time that I had such a claim, I should come talk to him instead, and he would settle the matter peacefully. I did, and he did. ( I'm rather proud of my father for doing that, BTW )
We never had any more fights.

Flash forward to about ten years ago:
A drunk guy was hassling passersby on the sidewalk near where I work, pestering some for money, others for sex. He was very agressive, actually grabbing people as they walked by. We called the police, of course. They were busy with more important issues.
After about half an hour of this, I finally walked over and told him to stop. He agreed. I turned away to walk back, and he hit me from behind. I turned around and he was swinging at me again. I decked him. It was just reflex - I didn't wind up - I didn't even try very hard. I used an open palm, not a closed fist.
He slammed into the building at the edge of the sidewalk. One of his shoes came off. He dropped and sat against the wall, glassy-eyed.
The cops showed up soon after and arrested him for public intoxication; he told them that he did not need medical help. But I heard from them later that he was too drunk to realize that he had a broken jaw.

Back to now:
I'm near the extreme end for size, but a lot of guys probably have similar or slightly lesser experiences. We learn early that we can't use force. As we reach dating age, we learn that women like to be treated gently. If we find ourselves in situations where force really is required, we learn that it can get out of hand so easily if we are not careful.
After a few decades of this, we have very deep conditioning that says You don't use force or violence with the people that you love. You must be careful using force in situations where it is justified or even required.

Then the wife says "Uh, honey, will you spank me?" We are not going to change suddenly, shrug off decades of habit, and say, "Sure, dear. Drop your pants and bend over."

We are truly conflicted here. If we pause, and scowl, we're not thinking that our wife has become an irredeemable pervert. We simply have a decades-old prohibition against violence bumping into a decades-old desire to please our woman.

I really have no solutions here. But maybe it helps to describe the problem from this side of the fence.

That is helpful, I never really thought about it like that. See, I also grew up fighting my siblings. I had two brothers, one older and one younger. Where my little brother and I are close in age by 15 months; my older brother has 3 years on me. I was raised by my father and no mother in the picture for the most part, so I grew up essentially like a boy for a good portion of my life. My dad had no sisters growing up and his father was a bit of an alpha male, so he didn’t really know how to raise a girl. He just let us “take it outside” when we had issues. We would have full on knock out drag outs in the back yard, I being mostly the winner, seriously no lie. My brothers will attest to it. But as you said boys start to get bigger around puberty and I started to loose fights but my dad never really said much except to me, “If you can’t take it, leave them alone.” So of course I would only initiate the fights when I saw just cause and had something near by to assist me. I grew up really tough and my hubby used to make comments about how much he liked my tomboy side. With that said, I wouldn’t have seen him think like that because I had brothers who didn’t care that I was a female. It’s obvious I need to step back and really have a talk about the rougher side of BDSM with him. I don’t mind just sticking to the softer side if it makes him feel more comfortable.

Thank you for your insight.

 

[Enygma55]

This seems to be a common enough problem that I feel I must speak.... You can help someone become a top or a bottom but it requires patience .. if you push you break the thing you want to achieve. Like everyone else sharing fantasies helps and there are points that submission is no longer what you want. For instance if my partner really likes to be spanked and does something to delibrately piss me off then I don't spank her. I, depending on the woman, do things I know she doesn't like because that is punishment. I honestly believe that lurking inside most people is a little bit of both and it just takes the right triggers to come out and then look out. Good luck

 

[ZRT]

It took me a loooooong time to get comfortable with my desires in this regard. I beat myself up for it for a lot of years, until I finally accepted that it could be consensual and mutually enjoyable.

Now I'm totally cool with the fact that I like to beat women for fun.

Moral of the story: to overcome that kind of conditioning, you really gotta want it.

 

[SimonBrooke]

To Peaches, JtohisPB, and others: Sorry that you aren't getting what you want. Maybe it would help to have a view from the other side.


Back to now:
I'm near the extreme end for size, but a lot of guys probably have similar or slightly lesser experiences. We learn early that we can't use force. As we reach dating age, we learn that women like to be treated gently...

Then the wife says "Uh, honey, will you spank me?" We are not going to change suddenly, shrug off decades of habit, and say, "Sure, dear. Drop your pants and bend over."

We are truly conflicted here. If we pause, and scowl, we're not thinking that our wife has become an irredeemable pervert. We simply have a decades-old prohibition against violence bumping into a decades-old desire to please our woman.

I really have no solutions here. But maybe it helps to describe the problem from this side of the fence.

I'm in a very similar boat. I learned incredibly quick that I shouldn't resort to violence except in self defense, and even then, try to do as little harm as possible. Doing any intentional harm to a woman is also pretty much beyond my capability. I'd have to be threatened with a knife or a gun before I could strike a lady.

So how does it come across to me when I learn that she winds up enjoying her hair pulled, her neck bitten, her butt smacked? Fortunately for me, the relationship involved with me isn't marriage, so the expectancy on her part for me to go through with it all wasn't as great. However. My nature is still to do whatever I can to make her smile at the moment, and I want to, while I can't. That becomes a tremendous conflict of "Am I disappointing her?" vs "Will I feel as guilty now as I did then?"

The only solutions I can find at that point are for me to change my morals in some way, or for her to change interests. The only thing I could was convince myself that what I was doing was bringing pleasure instead of causing pain as I tried. I may be comfortable to doing these kinds of things to some extent now, but again, it's "to some extent". Most definitely not how much she would want, and being able to convince myself that I'm doing one thing instead of another isn't something everyone can comfortably do.

(Sorry for quoting so much. This bears repetition.)

Guys, I hear you.

I'm not that big (was 6'3" before I broke my back the first time; about 6'1" now), and not that strong, but I was brought up to have serious inhibitions about using any violence at all, and especially towards women. In 'real life', I could not hit someone. Nice guys don't.

But sexual play isn't real life. It's play, and it surrounded by protocols of play. It took me a while to learn this. In my first marriage, we used bondage, but never spanking or any other pain play. My second wife helped me to develop the 'dom' side of myself - which was always there, I had the fantasies - and we both benefited from that.

A friend once called me 'a mild, inoffensive sadist'. I think that's pretty much right. I personally get off far more on control and dominance than I do on causing pain. But I've learned to treat causing pain to a woman who wants and gets of on it as acceptable (and even pleasurable).

When you play a shoot-em-up computer game with a friend, you fire imaginary guns at him and he does at you. You see your screen avatars blown to bloody pulp, and then you have a good laugh and a beer. That doesn't mean you'd shoot your friend in real life. You know the difference between play and real life, and can behave differently.

It's the same with sex. It's a game, it isn't real life, and behaviour that's unacceptable in real life is acceptable between consenting adults in play. Also, I know some people who say they're into fairly extreme pain as an end in itself (although I've never been in a play situation with such a person), but in my experience what 'sub' women need is often a theatre of pain - it doesn't actually have to hurt them very much provided it provides them with enough anticipation and adrenaline. If you're afraid to hit too hard with your hand, use some sort of implement (such as a mild flogger). And being bound and helpless, or else in a public space, may raise the anticipation/adrenaline enough that very mild pain will get your partner off.

A relationship doesn't necessarily fail just because one partner has fantasies of BDSM and the other either doesn't or is inhibited from acting them out. But the relationship will be stronger and more rewarding if the partners can express this side of themselves. One way to make it 'safe' are to make it theatrical - to have particular rituals agreed with your partner which open and close a play session.

The only thing I'd say in caution is don't play when you're actually angry with your partner. I've done that, and I've found it leaves you emotionally very confused - too many levels of conflicting impulse.

 

[LittleMissMafia]

I don't see it as "kinky", but more pleasurable

He likes to play with the toys and he can go for a long time when I want to play. It's when I want to play "rough" that he starts to seem awkward. I've given our love play diferent names.

1. Making love = conventioinal, sweat, slow, etc.

2. Fucking = harder (in his opinion), longer sex, different moves, etc.

3. Playing = (What I want) Toys come out, spankings, anal, man-handled, etc.

The problem is it isn't enough. I want more "play" time

Darling, I LOVE YOU......I have been searching for so many ways to explain the above to my partner......and you've given me my answer FINALLY!!!!!!!

I don't seem to be able to explain to my partner the difference between all of these....he just takes any suggestion as an attach upon ALL of the categories.....so hopefully this will help.

Thankyou so much.

p.s.....i swear im not hittingon you

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Darling, I LOVE YOU...... <snippage>

Thank you so much.

p.s.....i swear im not hitting on you [ed note: PeachandCream83]

Darn. That could be interesting.

 

[ZRT]

The only thing I'd say in caution is don't play when you're actually angry with your partner. I've done that, and I've found it leaves you emotionally very confused - too many levels of conflicting impulse.

Very, very much seconding this. Now if you get into 24/7 and the like, you get into punishments and stuff, but you don't do that out of anger either.

 

[Corylea]

You're talking to the wrong people, hon.

The person you need to be talking with is your husband.

Wanting different things in the bedroom isn't that much different from wanting different things in any other area in life. How do you handle other differences? To have a good marriage, you need to care just as much about what your husband wants as about what you want, and he has to care just as much about what you want as about what he wants.

What would you do if he wanted to paint the living room dull, boring white, and you wanted to paint it eye-popping, fire-engine red? Well, there are a bunch of ways you could solve that problem.

You could try to figure out who it matters most to, and that person gets their color.
You could try to find a middle ground, something brighter and more interesting than white but not as colorful as bright red.
You could agree that the room would be red this year, white next year, red the year after that, and so on.
You could have his-and-hers studies or something, where each of you gets his or her favorite color in a room that's mostly frequented by you.
You could have white walls with red accents -- baseboards or throw pillows or rugs or something.

Well, sex is no different. The two of you need to find a way to live together in spite of the fact that you want different things, and you need to find a way where BOTH of you get some of what you need.

It's quite possible that if you painted the living room white, you'd discover that white is restful and calm, rather than boring. It's quite possible that if you painted the living room red, he'd discover that he enjoys colorful surroundings far more than he'd thought. It's also possible that you'd discover a fundamental division that wasn't compromisable and would come to a parting of the ways.

A sexual mismatch can be frustrating and difficult, but it's a walk in the park compared to some of the things that can happen in this life. You and your husband need to learn how to talk honestly, negotiate fairly, and look out for each other now, before life hands you something that's even harder to deal with than sexual frustration.

If talking honestly with your husband about this sort of thing sounds too scary, you might consider finding a kink-friendly therapist and going in for two or three sessions of marriage counseling, so that you have a referee handy while you talk about the hard stuff.

 

[unregistered]

 

[PeachandCream83]

Darling, I LOVE YOU......I have been searching for so many ways to explain the above to my partner......and you've given me my answer FINALLY!!!!!!!

I don't seem to be able to explain to my partner the difference between all of these....he just takes any suggestion as an attach upon ALL of the categories.....so hopefully this will help.

Thankyou so much.

p.s.....i swear im not hittingon you

I’m glad something I say makes since to someone.
And as for the Love me part, well I’ve had people say I’m easy to love but hard to leave. So keep in touch

You're talking to the wrong people, hon.

The person you need to be talking with is your husband.

Wanting different things in the bedroom isn't that much different from wanting different things in any other area in life. How do you handle other differences? To have a good marriage, you need to care just as much about what your husband wants as about what you want, and he has to care just as much about what you want as about what he wants.

What would you do if he wanted to paint the living room dull, boring white, and you wanted to paint it eye-popping, fire-engine red? Well, there are a bunch of ways you could solve that problem.

You could try to figure out who it matters most to, and that person gets their color.
You could try to find a middle ground, something brighter and more interesting than white but not as colorful as bright red.
You could agree that the room would be red this year, white next year, red the year after that, and so on.
You could have his-and-hers studies or something, where each of you gets his or her favorite color in a room that's mostly frequented by you.
You could have white walls with red accents -- baseboards or throw pillows or rugs or something.

Well, sex is no different. The two of you need to find a way to live together in spite of the fact that you want different things, and you need to find a way where BOTH of you get some of what you need.

It's quite possible that if you painted the living room white, you'd discover that white is restful and calm, rather than boring. It's quite possible that if you painted the living room red, he'd discover that he enjoys colorful surroundings far more than he'd thought. It's also possible that you'd discover a fundamental division that wasn't compromisable and would come to a parting of the ways.

A sexual mismatch can be frustrating and difficult, but it's a walk in the park compared to some of the things that can happen in this life. You and your husband need to learn how to talk honestly, negotiate fairly, and look out for each other now, before life hands you something that's even harder to deal with than sexual frustration.

If talking honestly with your husband about this sort of thing sounds too scary, you might consider finding a kink-friendly therapist and going in for two or three sessions of marriage counseling, so that you have a referee handy while you talk about the hard stuff.

We've been talking it through here and there, so I think we are on the right path. As I've mentioned before he's taking it in small doses and is being a good sport. It is nowhere near the level I want to be at yet, but we are working on it.
The main reason for this thread is for ideas of introduction into BDSM. I want to take it slow with him so we can see what he like and doesn’t like. It was difficult at first to really bring the subject up in the first place. And I am still trying to find the words and actions to use in order to show him what I need.

Thank you for your imput.

 

[Adakgirl]

Sounds like you have found the right track by the description of your laundry punishment/discipline...whatever. He has the right idea going there. However for many of us what you described would be a nice reward, not even close to being a punishment lol!