Ok, I do have a question. Forgive me if it's been discussed.

[Calamity Jane]

Thanks guys! The actual, tangible 'things to try' will help. I talked to him a little bit last night, about wanting him to take more control in our sex life... now I need to figure out how to let him know that while I want to explore these things, that doesn't mean that it's a whatever he wants whenever he wants it kind of thing.

Risia and Cym, you both rock, and made me blush like crazy. Thanks. And yeah, this is a great av, isn't it?

Part of the problem is, that I don't know what my own limits are. Before I was convinced to try it, anal was one of those things I would NEVER EVER do... lol... who knew? I don't know what I want, for sure. And I need to know that if I think something might be fun to try, and I change my mind half way through, that both of those decisions will be respected.

Since I'm a complete nerd... are there any applicable books I should be reading?

 

[cymbidia]

A BDSM Reading List:

Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns - The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon, 1995 An excellent and lavishly illustrated introduction to SM play, as close to a coffee table book as the field has yet produced. General topics as well as in depth treatment of Bondage, Flogging, and Dungeon design, as well as Appendices on groups, and on-line Bulletin boards. Emphasis on male top, female sub.

SM 101, A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman, 1992 Another comprehensive how to guide, emphasizing mixed play.

On The Safe Edge - A Manual for SM Play by Trevor Jacques, 1992 A sophisticated and comprehensive guide to beginning and advanced BDSM play better than most for its constant emphasis on issues of play safety. Covers coming out, anatomy, technical info, mind and body play, most comprehensive treatment of play safety in print, First Aid, and Scene Etiquette, suggestions for further reading.


There are *many* more books than these to browse, pcg, but these are good all-purpose beginners books that can take you as far as you want to go with them. I have and have read all three. Of them, the first one, Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns is the one i would recommend if i were to have to choose just one. You can buy these books online in places as diverse as amazon.com and barnesandnobel.com right through to small kink-focused bookstores.

 

[CarolineOh]

I will second cym's recommendation of Screw The Roses, that was a big eye opener for me, I was reading it and going "uhhuh, uhhuh" all through it.

 

[RisiaSkye]

I'll add a couple more books:
The Fine Art of Erotic Talk by Bonnie Gabriel has some excellent and very realistic advice and tips about opening up your communication about sex. She primarily uses interviews and her work experience (she's a sex therapist) to put together some easy-to-implement ideas to start conversation, and it's pretty diverse, covering many facets and variations of sex, trust, & communication--including a whole section on consensual BDSM, the common fears, and how to start talking about it with a skeptical, completely un- or mis-informed partner.

Real. Live. Nude. Girl. by Carol Queen is on my all-time list of great books about women & sexual expression. There are some excellent essays on spankings, the myth that sexual submission is anti-feminist, safe-words, and the ways that women are taught to be ashamed of their sexuality, fantasies, and desires. I continue to find it a great collection to read a few pages of whenever I start getting post-Mormon, post-rape guilt pangs and anxiety about sex. It's not without faults--Queen's a big self-promoter, for one--but I really cannot say enough good things about this book.

But if you read nothing else, follow cym & Caroline's advice and read Screw the Roses. I don't know of another book out there that is so absolutely spot-fucking-on about BDSM, and I've never met a single person who read it and didn't like it.

 

[James Blandings]

But if you read nothing else, follow cym & Caroline's advice and read Screw the Roses. I don't know of another book out there that is so absolutely spot-fucking-on about BDSM, and I've never met a single person who read it and didn't like it. [/B]

I had the privilege of meeting Molly Devon at an event a few years ago, she's a great classy lady.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I'd like to add my own erotic recommendation to the list.

Chilton's Chrysler: Full Size Trucks 1967-1988 Repair Manual Gawd this thing cranks my camshaft. I'm getting chills here. Ooooh, nipply, baby.

 

[James Blandings]

I'd like to add my own erotic recommendation to the list.

Chilton's Chrysler: Full Size Trucks 1967-1988 Repair Manual Gawd this thing cranks my camshaft. I'm getting chills here. Ooooh, nipply, baby.

I built Chrysler trucks in the 1970s.
I'm guessing the section on repairing the electrical system is huge!

 

[DVS]

Originally posted by James Blandings I built Chrysler trucks in the 1970s.
I'm guessing the section on repairing the electrical system is huge!

Oh, electro play. That's my thing!!

 

[Calamity Jane]

I'd like to add my own erotic recommendation to the list.

Chilton's Chrysler: Full Size Trucks 1967-1988 Repair Manual Gawd this thing cranks my camshaft. I'm getting chills here. Ooooh, nipply, baby.

But see, I'm a Chevy truck girl. I know, I know, but I can't help it. Comes from growing up with union stone masons, Chevy loyalty is in my blood.

 

[Bluesboy2]

My questions and response

In my mind (and I tend to the domme side) I want to please my partner spirtually and sexually. I was sorta pulled into being Domme by a previous GF. I was reluctant and at first felt like I was inadequate sexually and this was her way of getting around that. But it was in my tendencies to be assertive so I tried whatever she wanted because I loved her and cared about her enough to put aside my fears and be open minded.
My point is that he may see this as you expressing he is not adequate, and he may fear the unknown. But if he truly loves you he will eventually be more open to experimentation. Just be slow and encouraging.
The only concern I have is your remarks about being left for 3HOURS!!!? Also the comment about it NOT being about doing what he wants when he wants. These things suggest problems that run deep and will need to be solved before any advancement on the sexual front can be had IMHO.

 

[SailorC272002]

I find it interesting that communicating in this forum is easy but talking directly to our mates is very scary. In reality if pagancowgirl was to talk to her mate she may be suprised that he is willing, also, she might be suprised to find what is stuffed in corners of his mind that would suprise her.

 

[Roy Batty]

But see, I'm a Chevy truck girl. I know, I know, but I can't help it. Comes from growing up with union stone masons, Chevy loyalty is in my blood.

It's in the blood.

Talk to him, get him to post here?

 

[Stegral]

another way to "talk"

I find it interesting that communicating in this forum is easy but talking directly to our mates is very scary. In reality if pagancowgirl was to talk to her mate she may be suprised that he is willing, also, she might be suprised to find what is stuffed in corners of his mind that would suprise her.

I have a really hard time with face to face discussions, especially sexual ones.... my b/f & I discussed this too.... he came up with a "fantasy jar" that we both put desires/ wants/ kinks & such on different coloured papers... I draw one of his & he draws one of mine... if it is too far out in the field that person draws another until there is one they will do... It was a great ice breaker & let me know what his "limits" are & trust me... they are further along than mine.... we will learn well together...
I gave him hell about posting this on LDb's but it wasn't in context at the time... this is...

 

[AngelicAssassin]

My compliments

he came up with a "fantasy jar" that we both put desires/ wants/ kinks & such on different coloured papers...

It sure beats the hell out of (pun intended) a Honey Do jar.